Jump to content

NEW INTERVIEW: Porn is destroying a generation... one erection at a time! w/ Gabe Deem

Hitaru

Captain Taru's Log: 20000 Withdrawals above the Sea

Recommended Posts

After the hype comes the panic. I was expecting it and I managed to recover. After checking on my online course (I've been ignoring it beyond acceptable levels) I'm back to work again. I've overextended my reach and this week's gonna be tough. I sacrificed a dramaturgy class but it was an emergency measure so I won't need to do it twice. I could have still go if I did things right but anxious procrastination took it's toll. Now I'll have to face that perfectly efficient guy in the evening and he may even give me the stare. 

 

1384316941713.thumb.png.1174e495733357d4 

I prefer it to a dismissive stare, trust me.

My first impulse was to flee but I made some mistake with Cold Turkey and now everything I considered even mildly distracting is completely blocked for the next three months straight. Even Wikipedia. Well who needs knowledge anyway, pfft. 

Since this damn assignment of erotic poems is not getting done anytime soon (artist block) I'm going to dump some bad stuff here that's blocking my mind and hopefully make room for useful things.

- I'm feeling terrible, physically speaking, and obviously it's distracting me a lot. Nightmares, cramps, nausea, migraines, chest pain, throat pain and inflammation, limb pain, muscular numbness, feeling of suffocation or not enough air in the lungs. Is this being alive? Or is it because videogames?

It's like something inside me is saying "Well fuck you, if I you won't allow me to mess with your mind, I'll mess with your body". I don't get it. Why is this thing so damn into making me fail everything? 

I'm. Feeling. Terrible. But it's worth it, I guess.

Edited by Hitaru

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Funny how I was certain my perceived health would worsen the moment I quit playing. I took a nap and I feel invigorated, but the ever-present migraine is not receding. 

Standard lewd emotions were bottled up in my waist when I woke up. From there I could harvest them and with some help of my brain turn them into words. Then, like some sort of discarded resources out of the belly of industry, they just disappeared after being refined. Weird. But convenient! I'm a bit late in my schedule to feel like giving this process the praise it deserves, and even if I talked about this before is way too early to know if it's going to be a common ocurrence or just coincidence. I hope and expect this to be the beginning of a beautiful creative partnership between my body and my mind. 

A body that, by the way, I've been neglecting of every single thing from nutrition to exercise to everything else since as long as I can remember. I used to be ashamed to have such a thing, a decaying, faulty proof of my temporality in this world. Now I feel like I owe some kind of debt to myself, and most of all, a whole, huge, unexplored area of my very being. Like a missing building in a street. Like having walked all your life and then discovering a door. I need a body, be aware of its needs, its signs, its wholehearted screams of rage, laughter, pleasure, pain or grief. It may even be fun, but I'm not betting on it. People do such stupid things with, for, to, or because their body.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Removing this post since I don't feel comfortable with stuff like this outside my own journal, tbh. (Was a screenshot of Katawa Shoujo alpha.)

:^(

Thanks Cam for reminding me of my apparent autism.

Edited by Marquess

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Removing this post since I don't feel comfortable with stuff like this outside my own journal, tbh. (Was a screenshot of Katawa Shoujo alpha.)

:^(

Thanks Cam for reminding me of my apparent autism.

Lewding other people journals like that. Ara ara, such impudence. -_- (Fitting avatar being fitting, heh)

My body is the instrument of my craft. I seemed to forgot that, and I ask forgiveness. Performing: the mastery of the voice, the gesture, the intention; the action. To represent reality, but not reenact it. To create, but not imitate. Remove the body from theatre, and you get naked literature, dramaturgy. Not a subproduct, but a different product. And so, leaving aside vanity, I must devote great amounts of time to turn my body into a fine machine, to carefully (and perhaps, even lovingly) oversee and ensure the best operation. 

Healthy nutrition for a healthy voice, cardio for endurance, stretching for flexibility, exercise to develop drive. And practice, practice, practice. Every single day of my life. To be an actor is to live an actor. Otherwise I'm just a worker, a copyist, an official of the stage. 

Excelling at living everyday, to excel at the game of pretending the life of someone else. 

Geez, I should stick to writing. ¬¬

EDIT: Speaking of writing, I was able to send my assignment to my teachers a mere 9 hours late of the planned time. Despite all the anxiety, procrastination, lack of inspiration, tight schedule and simple laziness. The quality, in my opinion, was solid. I feel awesome for it. 

Edited by Hitaru

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I made some mistake with Cold Turkey and now everything I considered even mildly distracting is completely blocked for the next three months straight. Even Wikipedia.

I guess it's time to explore the Wiki alternatives. I heard "Encyclopedia Dramatica" is really good. (Not linking or I'll get hit with NSFW again.)

Also lol on you managing to block everything :^). I hope Cam puts this at the front page or something :^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

People keep suggesting me ideas to bypass my barriers. E.g. "You could buy games in stores, play flash games, create another Steam account", etc. Fuck them because they're not telling me as an advice (careful with this or that), but as encouragement to go back to the old ways. Fuck. Them. And also thank them, they unintentionally provide me with suggestions of new dangerous things to steer clear of. The only people that support me without reservations, apart from fellow quitters, are people who have never played. It's a sad thought. Is it so difficult to say "Well, games work fine for me, but if that's not your case you're doing the right thing"?

Courses are over and I've learned a lot of insights* about myself. I'm now facing the most dreadful of boredoms. The ways of procrastination mean I'm doing secondary things, and since they are being completed I'm running out of options. I block the other kind of distractions the moment I have the slightest of tentations, so they're also dissapearing. Today I took a single task and extended it for the whole day. I'm trying so hard not to progress. But I will.

I'm using my exterior looks to avoid going outside, so the next action is getting rid of that excuse. I'm also checking on new courses. My mate and friendly one-sided rival believes in equally combine formation with working experience, but I feel unready. I must develop confidence and presence. 

There's something I feel the need to say, but I can't remember. Maybe there's no real need right now.

 

- Steam dead since: 28 July, 2016 (Today day 16)

- Blocked since: 7 August, 2016 (Today day 6)

- No gaming since: ~22-26~ July, 2016 (Today day 18-22

Edited by Hitaru

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes. Fuck. Them. :)

It was almost a premonition. I broke ties with (yet) another friend. I have only one real friend left, and he's too epicurean in nature to give a fuck about videogames or my character. 

 

I'm an arrogant guy, folks. You know D*nald Tr*mp? I have that kind of ego. The conviction since birth that I am special and my mere existence a gift to Humanity. It could be if I did things for them. And I could do things if I stop hating myself.

When I was a child, there was no hate within me. I did things. My mere naive confidence allowed me to do anything I wanted. If I wanted a friend I'd go talk to a stranger; "Let's be friends today", and that was it. If I wanted a thing, I would ask, or take it by force. It was a simple life where even if there were people stronger than me, or smarter than me, or richer, or unaccepting of my presence, I was still the king.

When I was declared gifted, and that +130 (can't remember the exact number and it's not important) showed up, I wasn't depressed about it. I took it as something natural; seconds later I couldn't relate to a time where I wasn't the holder of exceptional talent. But then everyone started lashing at me, for many reasons. Some, to bully the different and feel bigger and better. Others to try to avoid creating a megalomaniac monster, to help me fit in society. Remember this?

Mom, God knows why. (http://forum.gamequitters.com/topic/335-here-i-am/)

Now I know, even if God didn't tell me. It was to help me being happy. 

Instead, it only served to create a contradiction in me which lead to anger, hate and suffering, as the green little guy would say. Walls were raised. The purpose of those walls is only useful to others. Fitting in society only serves others. I was born to (be naturally inclined to) believe I am special and deserve greatness. From a rational perspective, I'm fully aware that's bullshit and there's no special or better people per se. From an observer's perspective I'm positive it's a pain in the ass to have an arrogant guy around. From an emotional perspective, I am who I am and denying it anymore will only pain me further. Arrogance doesn't hurt it's owner. See? From the very beginning, all my life was about how to avoid incurring in someone else's wrath or displeasure. Damn me and my ignorance!

Pretending to be someone I'm not makes me a liar. People notice this sooner or later, they stop trusting me and go away. But being who I am seems to be unpleasant to others, and they go away as well. Now, I know better. It's not about fitting inside society. Maybe I'm the little electron and not the bored looking proton. 

This needs more exposition but I took too long in writing it and now the point I wanted to make has dissipated in the fog of my memory. I guess I'll go on with my life and it will return by itself.

 

By the way, I also learned how to block some distracting things of my phone thanks to an app. I can settle it to run at certain times and unlock them everytime the charger is connected to the wall, so I'm starting a new routine; I'll make a schedule to block internet at night and another to block things whenever I'm not directly busy. I'm ashamed to have to do things this way. But, anyway.

Edited by Hitaru

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What kind of people are trying to encourage you to game again, ffs. Are these your supposed friends?

About being special. That's all very well, but you can't expect any benefits for it if you don't demonstrate that.

The only way of doing it is by providing value for other people. I'm not saying that anyone should bother with providing value for anyone though; this is just what happens to work. This is how you become Donald Trump. (Which is a great thing as everyone will agree.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What kind of people are trying to encourage you to game again, ffs. Are these your supposed friends?

About being special. That's all very well, but you can't expect any benefits for it if you don't demonstrate that.

They are not. 

Exactly my thoughts. Being an asshole just means to be a loser. No winners are assholes. Success and value sanitizes all kinds of vices, even criminal ones. You can't be special to yourself, since you can't compare at the same level of anyone else. Only people outside you can label you as special (compared to them). So you have to make something they value as special. For a healthy life that means doing something you like in a so special way a consensus of its specialness is reached. So to speak.

 

Important announcement: Fuck you, Skype. Fuck you, Microsoft. Fuck your control, your linked accounts, your fucking and your tyranny, you hear? Fuck you! You know who I am, go arrest me. FUCK YOU!

(Story behind this: I want to have a mail account, a Skype account and a Gmail account. I want them to be independent and I don't want to give my name and or phone everywhere. I want to have some damn privacy. It seems it's utterly impossible.

Fuck you.)

Edited by Hitaru

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I mean, it depends on what you define as an "asshole". If you reach any amount of success, some people are bound to call you that no matter what :3. Especially if you're ready to defend your beliefs in public.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The only way of doing it is by providing value for other people. I'm not saying that anyone should bother with providing value for anyone though; this is just what happens to work. This is how you become Donald Trump. (Which is a great thing as everyone will agree.)

Well, yes and no. The guy is decided and cocksure, which means he'll be more than willing to invest in projects no one else will for the sake of his name. Risking is generally a good thing. But he's also brash and reckless. On one hand, he must be that way, without that personality he just wouldn't be himself. A more prudent person would more probably not risk as much. That person would not be Trump then.

On the other hand, I think I would have handled differently if I was in his position. I don't need big cars or fancy houses (I like some very expensive things, but to personally own them and not to brag about them). His ego is somewhat like a shark. It must be in constant movement and constantly fed. Mine works more through introspection. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I mean, it depends on what you define as an "asshole". If you reach any amount of success, some people are bound to call you that no matter what :3. Especially if you're ready to defend your beliefs in public.

Ah, envy, a spaniard's staple. Success in Spain is much more valuable than anywhere else. It means having crushed all opposition, without any kind of help or simpathy from their peers. Perhaps that's why we only succeed in highly individual enterprises (usually in exile), or those which work through unquestioned authority. 

Not exactly, what I meant is people like Nietzsche or Dalí aren't considered assholes only because their achievements. They were assholes. But people turn a blind eye because who they were. And don't get me started with Columbus...

Edited by Hitaru

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I mean, it depends on what you define as an "asshole". If you reach any amount of success, some people are bound to call you that no matter what :3. Especially if you're ready to defend your beliefs in public.

Ah, envy, a spaniard's staple. Success in Spain is much more valuable than anywhere else. It means having crushed all opposition, without any kind of help or simpathy from their peers. Perhaps that's why we only succeed in highly individual enterprises (usually in exile), or those which work through unquestioned authority. 

Not exactly, what I meant is people like Nietzsche or Dalí aren't considered assholes only because their achievements. They were assholes. But people turn a blind eye because who they were. And don't get me started with Columbus...

Oh, it's the same here in Slovenistanlandia.

A Slovene catches a goldfish and it tells him, "I'll grant you three wishes if you let me go!"

He replies, "that's very good, but I only have one wish: I want the neighbor's cow to die."

It's also fairly common that Slovenes who achieve international success are (to some degree intentionally I'd assume) ignored in Slovenia itself.

Btw, have you considered about posting more often perhaps even daily? I read most of your posts, but posting every day and making shorter entries would get you read by more people.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@Marquess That was great joke xD

But what's a "es-loh-been"? (?)

Btw, have you considered about posting more often perhaps even daily? I read most of your posts, but posting every day and making shorter entries would get you read by more people.

B-but I was never here for the fame... :x 

However it's true that I should invest more time here. You guys are like my family. And I should stop saying should and just do.

---------------------

I keep delaying beginning my physical rehabilitation. Darn it. Yesterday I gave up going to a show (I had bought the ticket and a guy almost broke his leg to deliver it to me) to have a date with a girl. 

[Inside Out levels of internal screaming]

Nah it was ok. It's always fun to receive attention from someone who's quite obviously into you. It's not so fun that such person will quite obviously not take the initiative and kiss the hell out of you because she's a girl and girls don't do that. It's even less fun that her parents know EVERYTHING about you and welcome you in their house with way too open arms. Man it was like I was 13 all over again. Initiating beyond friendship protocols will most likely end in a SCC relationship (Standard, Closed, Committed). I have no reason to say no to that right now. But I also have no reason to say yes.

The girl in question is alright I guess. We have theatre, particularly Musical Theatre in common. And we both like films, though our tastes differ. She dances latin like a pro and has a body to match such skill. Good excuse to get out of the house and learn to not being a fucking stick. Airheaded like most young hetero girls; you know, unwillingness to discuss deep topics and that giggle. We watched a movie with my cat between us. Way too marital for me. I should have go to the show and relegate that plan to another day at least. Now I think in that girl and it gives me a headache.

 

af2.thumb.jpg.ba235979160928413621646e65

I should just give up.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok I am REALLY COMMITTED with the Game Quitters Spain initiative. But I'm terrified. I feel I'm barging in and being annoying. I just have to write this somewhere. I feel I'm not enough detoxed. That people won't trust me. Like I'm no one important but I'm trying to hoard all the attention. Damn it, I just want to be part of something I feel really important for personal and sentimental reasons and I don't want to screw up. Please if I'm being annoying let me know. Please. 

Edited by Hitaru

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You're not being annoying. To be honest, every gamequiter is very important, because every of us is a better change for the world. Want to be very important? Just help others, show a way for better life and thats it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You're not being annoying. To be honest, every gamequiter is very important, because every of us is a better change for the world. Want to be very important? Just help others, show a way for better life and thats it.

That's-f*cking-it. Show'em the light and they'll think you shine! I just don't want to appear like I'm appropriating the whole translation thing. As much as I'd like, to be honest, but it's simply too much work for one lone individual.

Well, unless you're @Cam Adair :ph34r: (I'm mentioning you way too much, I'll try to tone down the petty personality cult thing, chief :$)

By the way, a whole file translated in one single stroke, woo! Finally back on track, feels awesome! Now, I think I'll go for my first meditation session and after that... oops, sorry for loitering here the whole day. I'll start with the exercise asap, promise.

Edited by Hitaru

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

WE ACCEPT YOU WE ACCEPT YOU

/patpat

You're not being annoying. To be honest, every gamequiter is very important, because every of us is a better change for the world. Want to be very important? Just help others, show a way for better life and thats it.

+1 to each of these!

Well, unless you're @Cam Adair :ph34r:

I don't make it easy to keep up, lol. O.o

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...