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Alkan

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Meditating today brought me a lot of good ideas - but the big one is that meditation is a great tool for pinpointing your actual issues in life. It makes you more honest with yourself, which deconstructs self-delusions. It can be a scary, but liberating thing, seeing yourself in a more honest light.

It also has the practical effects of finding where you're having the biggest problems. Sometimes you will see a lack of progress in some area that you're working on - and with meditation, you'll uncover the specific problems that elude you - the deeply rooted mental habits that cause you to not do what you intend to do, or cause you to do something that you don't intend.

I can't imagine having made it this far this quickly without meditation.

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Sounds Great! What kind of meditation are you doing? For some reason I'm not able to reflect while meditating. Maybe I'm forcing the focus on my breath too much. Cool to hear that you've made progress!

I made a post illustrating my method: I focus more on observing the whole of consciousness. I start out with the breath to clear my mind, and do that for a little while to get some focus training, essentially. Then, I find it's much more effective to actually open up and let all of experience sort of fill the same space at once. It takes a massive amount of effort. It gives me a very nuanced sense of what's going on emotionally since I'm not judging emotions, but just experiencing them, making my ability to process them more refined.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I keep saying it, yet somehow I keep forgetting. I have to keep meditating. I think it's because it doesn't work 100% of the time. But, the times that it does works, I always manage to get into this intense state of observing every change that happens in my mind so rapidly that it supercharges the process. And, it feels amazing. I was procrastinating all day today. Now it's late. I don't have to work on this assignment right now (and it would probably be fine if turned in as is). But, after meditation, I found myself, late at night, with no real clear need to work on it, actually working on it with ease, like it's fun.

I do wonder if I genuinely have ADHD sometimes. Looking back at my past experiences, without meditation I literally just can't keep things together. I start to regress, slowly, but I start to regress. After meditating, things that seem daunting (in that they require focus) suddenly become easy. This is why I worry about the sort of "base state" of my brain. I am extremely grateful to have a solution, but it's unsettling thinking that there might be more to my problems than a mild personality difference. I have always had the sense that most people seem to be more able to focus on things. I've had the experience of missing things entirely - obvious things - and finding myself reminded of them.

I have to train myself to enter that state of observation more rapidly. This will allow me to meditate more efficiently.

I should mention, it's insane just how creative my mind seems to become during meditation. Some of the images that appear in my mind while meditating are so visually stunning that I am momentarily shocked out of meditation. It is the same way with thoughts.

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  • 1 month later...

Been a little while since I posted here. I think I am going to drop the hammer on going into see a therapist about probable depression, anxiety and ADHD, the three likely candidates for things that I've had issues with.

Plus they were all contributing factors in my academic downfall of a couple years ago.

I've grown into such a type A personality that it's crazy. It's the most invigorating thing too - it's really a damn shame I didn't figure this out when I was like... 12-14.

I had a bit of a slump, but I'm redoubling my efforts and raising my standards again. I spent enough time in the "pretty decent phase." I am still struggling with the internet - not horribly, but it's certainly cutting out of things like the extra mile that will get me the grades I really want, art, music, and things like that.

I also get distracted by the piano pretty easily. I get distracted fairly easily. My impulsivity is high and it's really irritating. That's what I noticed most recently - I've never been lazy, but I've always been extremely impulsive with things that cause procrastination. It's upsetting and irritating because in a lot of ways it still feels very much out of my control.

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Heh. I have my own way of doing it not in a state of stress, but not in a state of ease either.

I use urgency, but it's more of this fiery inner drive than stress.

I found a neat trick for stress... Ibuprofen dulls down the pain of the stress without removing the energy of it, making it easier to focus. I don't think I would have finished my last homework without it.

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That makes sense. It's easier to relax when you understand the worst case scenario. Though, sometimes the worst case scenario sucks. Perhaps the trick is to realize its very unlikely as well. No, you're not going to stop working. Yes, you are going to keep pushing. Then you can relax a bit and push harder because you're not overly stressed.

So today I started using Strava (app for cyclists to compare times on segments, very gameified system). Hit 7th overall on a segment out of like 2300 people, though I know a few of the people on the list and I know they'd kick my ass (or be in a similar range) under the same conditions (had a decent tailwind ~6 mph). The funny thing is, I haven't raced yet and I could stand to lose about 20 pounds before I'm at an athletically ideal weight. So, basically, probably everyone on the first page actually races in upper categories... So, I probably need to start doing that soon.

Speaking of which, that is indeed me hitting one of my goals - to become a strong cyclist by the end of the semester. I've trained somewhat hard now.

As for the semester, I don't think I can get all As at this point, but all As and Bs? Certainly. If I pull that off it'll be a rather monumental turnaround, since I'm also working a part time job.

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I'm finally reaching a point where I've regained some self-control that games very clearly destroyed. I've finally gained back some of my patience. I remember what it was like now to be able to sit down and focus for a little while in the morning.

It's irritating realizing the damage that was done, still feeling it.

As for cycling, my legs have been sore since my ride on Friday. I've been hungry all the time, craving protein, loading up on things that have nutrients for repairing muscles and I've been sleeping for like 9 hours per night. I've noticed that magnesium really helps me sleep deeply, it's a pretty strong correlation - I'm probably missing it in my diet.

This week is extremely busy. It's more work than I've ever taken on at once, and yet, I feel okay because I'm actually managing to tackle it.

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I am going to make sure this intense week transforms me. I view it as excellent training for operating on the level I want to operate on more permanently, moving mountains every day.

That's all I have time to write at the moment, but it's the sentiment I want to keep repeating so that I actually DO work even harder after the pressure dies down a bit.

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Yesterday I had a very difficult time managing my impulsivity. I procrastinated all day, and loathed every minute of it. I feel better when I'm actually working. Yet, somehow I just wasn't working.

I just want to know why it happens and how to make it stop happening. It's the cause of a lot of pain. I feel incredibly powerless to actually do anything about it once it is happening. It's so incredibly frustrating.

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Yesterday I had a very difficult time managing my impulsivity. I procrastinated all day, and loathed every minute of it. I feel better when I'm actually working. Yet, somehow I just wasn't working.

I just want to know why it happens and how to make it stop happening. It's the cause of a lot of pain. I feel incredibly powerless to actually do anything about it once it is happening. It's so incredibly frustrating.

Can you share more?

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I did some reading. I was facing decision paralysis without realizing it. It was too much at once.

I got lucky though - a couple of deadlines got extended (one of the deadlines was literally insane, the other one was a case where something was just a lot harder than most people realized, leading for many to beg for extensions), so I get a second chance to go in and research how to avert catastrophe if the situation arises again. 

I'm also starting to recognize my information addiction. I've recognized that information is important, but that my sense of its importance has been one of the tricks that my brain has used to get me distracted by something. I'm getting even more serious at this point - the week did transform me. And, recognizing my decision making paralysis has improved things considerably.

They say "knowledge is power." Not really - knowledge is pay dirt. Power is the gold. Basically, relevant information is the only thing that's actually useful to you. So, you want to spend your time seeking out information that is richer in relevant knowledge - the gold. When you are extracting useful information from the world, the clutter dies down as well. Clutter slows you down.

So, in that light, I'm going to start reading "Getting things done" by David Allen. It just sounds like it's been well-received, and it sounds about like the thing I need in my life now.

I've found something very important to running a morning routine: you must limit the time you spend on everything so that you actually get through it in a timely fashion. I'm finding that I am really enjoying being productive in a way that I never have before. I saw someone at the library messing around on his computer, mindlessly, while I was working diligently, and it just had this whole different feeling and meaning. It was like I was looking at what I've been struggling to stop doing from the outside - realizing how damaging it is - and just how gross and uncomfortable it feels to mess around unless you've already delegated some time for rest.

Every month or so I just end up growing naturally, having little breakthroughs. I keep getting better and better at this. Finding this site was a major turning point for me. Becoming clean with games has lead to a much richer life in a very short timespan.

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GTD is a very good book. For an analytical mind as yours, it will be beneficial.

I'm sure it will. Time will allow for it this week.

This week transformed my brain. I started playing the piano today, recorded myself, and for the first time ever, I actually got goosebumps from my own playing because I was nailing the nuances. I was also able to play with substantially more speed and accuracy, with this very, very uncanny comfort. To make things stranger, I hadn't really touched the piano in a week - I just was doing a lot of physics.

I think it's my working memory - I think it has increased. I linked an article from PNAS (Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences) about working memory training boosting cognitive abilities across the board. I'm starting to believe it viscerally. I feel like I took some sort of strange drug that increased my focus and intelligence.

So, now my homework and studying has an addictive flavor to it.

With that said, I think I've reached yet another level.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Frustrated with the big academic hole that gaming caused - it's like so many doors have been shut. I've been trying to figure out a way to pry them back open, while keeping in mind that I need to really think about what I want to do and spend time on.

I did pretty poorly. I have to basically pry a steel trap door open.

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Frustrated with the big academic hole that gaming caused - it's like so many doors have been shut. I've been trying to figure out a way to pry them back open, while keeping in mind that I need to really think about what I want to do and spend time on.

I did pretty poorly. I have to basically pry a steel trap door open.

It's all part of the process. Don't get too caught up in the micro level right now. Keep working at it and trust that long-term, you'll look back on this and see that it wasn't really that big of a deal and it all worked out just fine. 

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Frustrated with the big academic hole that gaming caused - it's like so many doors have been shut. I've been trying to figure out a way to pry them back open, while keeping in mind that I need to really think about what I want to do and spend time on.

I did pretty poorly. I have to basically pry a steel trap door open.

It's all part of the process. Don't get too caught up in the micro level right now. Keep working at it and trust that long-term, you'll look back on this and see that it wasn't really that big of a deal and it all worked out just fine. 

That's true, because I've developed the tenacity to claw my way out of shitty situations, as well as developed an ability to put out a strong effort in the face of uncertainty.

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So much to do before the semester ends.

I'm realizing that working a part time job that goes late at night is quite terrible for me, since I'm a morning person. My mental energy is most effectively harnessed in the morning. Hell, one of my pleasures is waking up at 5 am, naturally, just as the sun is starting to rise.

I live in Arizona, so, hot weather comes later in the day, making biking much more difficult and somewhat dangerous.

So, goal: find a way to get out of that situation.

Also, today's goal is to be less stressed out by getting a lot done.

I've really come to realize that the best way to deal with a lot on your plate is to really focus on one thing at a time. When you're focused on something, it's easier to come back to it, and you spend less time remembering where you left off.

Nonetheless, this competes with the advantages of spaced practice, where you learn, then you sleep on what you learn.

Not spending too much time worrying about what to be working on when it's all high priority is also important.

Edited by Alkan
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  • 2 weeks later...

Not exactly sure what to do with my summer. I have this entrepreneurial side that I have been dying to develop, but haven't known which way to go about doing it. I'm not sure how I'm going to go about it. I'm hunting for radical success in life, and I've set my mind on doing what it takes to accomplish that, whatever flames I have to walk through to get there.

I'm looking at pushing myself through another period of rapid growth, and I'm kind of in this "in the air" too many options sort of mode right now. But, I think right  now that's okay. I have a few things to focus on, like setting up this volunteer research position so that I'm set for independent study and hopefully paid research next year.

Taking the concept of "what happens to you makes you stronger" I'm going to make things "happen to" me by not letting myself ease up on the gas. I'm cleaning up my apartment, setting it up, going to get more organized.

So, definitive goals:

-Do well with this research and learn a lot from it.

-Develop further socially. 

-Learn to more effectively out distractions and focus on one task at a time.

-Lose 15 pounds by a particular bike race in July and increase my overall endurance and power.

-Expand my piano repertoire

-Improve at art

-Read several more books in the self-improvement area.

-Develop in the entrepreneurial era.

So, too much stuff, still, so stuff will have to go. But, I'm sort of working on taking this assortment of chaos and pulling something coherent and new out of it.

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