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Mettermrck

Bob's Journey

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Day 18/90. Also 23/23/4 soda porn fap.

It's very happy to see the numbers grow! Keep it up! Sounds like everything is going well. Looking forward to reading your next day's!

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Day 19/90. Also 24/24/5 soda/porn/fap. Thanks Tom! I like watching the numbers grow too.

I did ok yesterday. I only got really anxious and frustrated once and that's when I went shopping with my Mom. I think its partly that it was hot and muggy out, I worry about how much my Mom spends, and we used to go out for lunch afterwards which we no longer do. But I think now I'm aware that this occurs weekly and can be on guard for it and maybe figure out other rewards or ways to get through it.

      The good news is I lost another 2.2 lbs this week and am down to 305.8. I would like to break 300 next month, that would be huge for me. But I can't get impatient...just keep doing what I am doing. One thing I have to watch out for is not letting the scale number define my self-worth for the whole week. I think I hang my hat on weight loss as my biggest change and my best achievement so far. But I know that even with any weight loss you'll have occasional weeks where your weight stays the same, even the occasional slight gain, especially when I go to the gym and add muscle. This is great but I can't make it my idol.

        Timewise, yesterday went smoothly. I did Duolingo and also spent a half hour on my history project as I wanted. The rest of the time, I rotated between reading, Cam's youtube videos, and podcasts. I also love the Stop Breathe Think app for meditation. I didn't feel that bored at all. I think as I work hard during the week, I appreciate quiet weekends more. And maybe I'm losing some of the bored withdrawal symptoms. I managed to sleep in bed all night long. The dog kept shifting so it wasn't the best sleep but at least I stayed off the couch.

Edited by Mettermrck

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You are doing great! Set small goals and focus your exercise on movement not weight ! Try measuring your belly not weight because when you start exercising muscles start growing and they are heavier than fat. 

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Thanks, onlysoul. Yes I get a lot of pleasure out of tightening my belt into a new loop or the other day when an old pair of smaller pants fit great now. I am almost to the weight I was at 6 years ago (about 290 lbs) and I have a whole wardrobe in my closet of shirts I refused to throw out and dreamed I would one day return to. I hope to be wearing them by the end of the year.

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Great work Bob! I'm glad you were able to get a handle on the no fap component, which is something you'd been working on for a while. I agree with Onlysoul about not focusing on weight. Personally, I think body fat percentage is a better judgment of health than weight. Admittedly, it can hard to totally avoid that number so if you do still set goals with that, it should never be more than two pounds a week (one pound from eating less, one pound from working out). I think the fact that you've been losing so much weight each week is a testament to how bad soda was for you. Keep up the good work changing your life into something you like!

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Day 20/90. Also 25/25/1 soda porn fap. I did well most of the day. Went to churcn, exercised, kept busy with reading podcasts Duolingo and my project. Not too bad. About 2:30pm I got hammered by fap urges. I resisted for a bit but I got overwhelmed. I'm not too broken up about it. I had went 5 days and now I'll keep going.

     Later on my wife called and her brother was in the hospital. I was supportive but it was sad that I couldn't be fully affectionate and loving because of our separation. My friend says I did the best I could in the circumstances. She was also telling me about how well her job is going, partly as a way to cheer herself up and take her mind off her brother. I was upset with myself because I had feelings of jealousy and resentment that she's doing great and my career was setback. But that's silly! She's been through a lot, with much pain inflicted by my checking out of life. I need to be happy for her success no matter what. And my career was setback because of me, not anyone else.  I have to remember that I am having success too. Maybe not in financial income yet but look at my days without soda gaming porn. My life is changing for the better. It takes time, sure, but I should be proud of that.

     So, needless to say, I battled this all night, slept poorly, and fapped some more. I'm thankful though that I'm awake for work on time and did some exercises this morning. I just need to keep pushing ahead no matter what.

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I was upset with myself because I had feelings of jealousy and resentment that she's doing great and my career was setback. But that's silly! She's been through a lot, with much pain inflicted by my checking out of life. I need to be happy for her success no matter what. And my career was setback because of me, not anyone else.  I have to remember that I am having success too.

You're right. I have a friend who got A+ on every subjects this semester so I was jealous. But there was no point being jealous. He is on his journey and I have to focus on mine, not his. I deserved my low grades. He must have been studying while I was gaming.

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Thanks, Tom2. I think things will be more stable for me once I know what happens with my marriage. It's hard to know how to act and think around my wife with all the stuff going on all this anxiety and uncertainty keeps cropping up. But whatever happens, at least there won't be any uncertainty.

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Day 21/90. Also 26/26/1 soda porn fap. Not too bad yesterday. I'm starting to wonder if it's just anxiety and fear that prevents my body from getting more sleep or is my body changing from all the exercise? Is this just continued withdrawal symptoms? Sometimes I can't sleep even when I don't feel any anxiety. I just lay there. But once I get up, exercise, shower, etc., I function fine during the day. It's weird. Maybe I shouldn't overthink it. I'm only one month into this process after all. 

      Gym orientation today at 12:45! I can't wait to finally get this process started. For me it's more about the social aspect and getting out of the house each day rather than the exercise. I exercise enough at home but this'll be a great way to go out and do more.

     My wife's brother was in the hospital yesterday. Only 45 yrs old, a stroke and seizure. My goodness. He's recovering.and responsive but it was scary. He's real heavy, about where I was 6 yrs ago (400ish lbs). He has uncontrolled diabetes, etc. If I needed more.motivation to keep up with my health changes, this is it.

      I tried to be real supportive to my wife. I drove her to the hospital and stayed with her as long as she needed. The best thing without video games, there was no question of leaving early for anything. I don't know if any of this will make any difference with our marriage, but I like to think if there is a chance, this had to have helped. I'm proud of myself for that at least.

     Not sweating the fapping. It happens in the morning when I'm just laying there. I should just get up and get walking and not be distressed that I didn't sleep as much as I used to.

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Day 22/90. Also 27/27/2 soda porn fap. Officially 3 weeks without gaming yeah!

Staying strong. Yesterday was actually a pretty good day. I went to my gym orientation and the lady there was very nice. She had a custom program all set up for me with full body resistance training 2x a week and cardio 3 days with two rest days. Actually I'll probably do more cardio on the off days anyhow. I love to walk now. She showed me the different machines, how to start at a lighter weight and work my way up, how to stretch, etc. I have my gym bag all set up this morning. I'll do some cardio tonight after work. I'm psyched for this next phase in my life.

     I slept all night, on the couch, but peacefully without any real anxiety. Thank you exercise and meditation!

       I got a compliment from a coworker on how much weight I've lost recently. It's amazing how quitting soda just cascaded into positive health changes all over the place. I think soda drinker was as much a part of my identity as gamer was.

     I was thinking of something Moe wrote in his journal about how he has no time to game. I agree! I feel like my life is starting to fill up with other stuff and I have no idea how I ever had time to game. But I realize that gaming never "fit in" with my life. It took over my life! I would not be going to the gym, or reading, or reaching out to old friends and family, if I still gamed. Another reason not to go back after the detox.

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Damn, it sounds like you've made some really amazing progress while I was away. I'm glad to hear that despite the adversity, you actually faced those challenges and overcame them in healthy ways. Being supportive of your wife is good. I may be too far from the situation, but it sounds like you still want your marriage to work, if nothing else. Being jealous of her financial success seems pretty natural to me. To give that a positive spin, it just shows you're hungry for even greater things for yourself. That desire to push yourself to even greater lengths is a feeling I've really been trying to capture and use myself. It really sounds like you're on your way to those greater things. Keep up the great work man!

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Day 23/90. A couple changes to the journal. Taking out the other addiction days. Soda and porn are still going great and almost on autopilot though I can't get cocky. And I'm tired of the fapping day 1 haha. I'm still iffy on that one. I'd like to avoid it but not sure if I should stress it.

     Two, I'm adding a gratitude journal at the bottom. I've seen a few guys do it and I like it. Cam recommends it in several videos and I think it would go well with my meditation. Plus I feel this urge to cut back on explicitly religious stuff for a while until I figure things out. Not all of it but some. So some secular spirituality would be useful.

      Ok then. Went to the gym yesterday! Did.some cardio. 45 min on the treadmill. All that walking this year meant I'm comfortable with that. I'm planning to work up to an hour max. Today is my first strength training session. It'll be slow at first until I figure out the.machines and my starting weights. I'll get there. Happy I'm doing it.

     Thanks deep space. Some days I feel pessimistic about the marriage, other days not bad. We just don't talk much except for walking the dog and stuff. July is when I'll start trying to get her to talk to a.clergyman or counselor with me. Maybe with some progress under my belt there'll be hope. I think a lot of my anxiety is just the suspense of waiting for the hammer to drop either way in two months. Hard to know which direction your life will move until it.does.

Gratitude:

1. My mother, always supporting me no matter what

2. My job with a gym that can be free

3. My health, I'm strong enough to make it better

Edited by Mettermrck

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Mettermrck you are on right way! Gratitude list is great idea. You will lose weight gradually. I have som experience with losing weight. On start you lose very fast then 4kg/8.82 pounds per month. But its not only about weight. Your waist cicrumference its imporant! 

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It's nice to read that you pick up the sport at the gym! In the end it's always simple math: Burn more than you eat and just be patient. In my opinion the motivation is the hardest part, seems like you already mastered this step, you're doing great work. Keep it up!

I can correspond with your feelings about having an unsure future. I experience this as well right now and I just try to do my best. Right now it's all about saving the situation but I hope that I can grow stronger with the actions that I take and maybe even grow so far that I do this all for myself instead of the situation. That's all that I can say about it, never experienced this situation before.

 

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Day 24/90. A pretty good day yesterday. I did go to the gym and did my first strength training workout. And it was great! Cardio warmup and 3 sets on the machines. I wrote down all my machine settings so I'll know how to adjust next time and I have my initial weights. Some were perfect (chest press), some easy (leg press, lats) and some were challenging (triceps and shoulder dumbbells). But I really enjoyed it. I was there about an hour. There weren't a lot of people which is great for using equipment. It was nice being out and around folks though.

      I learned I need to wear sweatpants next time for weights instead of shorts. The leg press machine makes your shorts revealing haha. And a longer tshirt. The shoulder dumbbells revealed too much belly. But I'm learning.

     I ran into my wife and she called me 'slim'. Part of me liked it, part of me thinks she's still in that "just be friends" mode. But I can't dwell on it.

     I realize I need to step up at work and make that job my own and not just do enough to meet my production goals and then coast. The job has the gym benefits, yes, but also school benefits that I'd like to take advantage of next year.

Gratitude:

1. I can work out at the gym and improve my self image.

2. I got a good night's sleep.

3. I have a job with good benefits to help me better myself.

Edited by Mettermrck

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Ha ha, I can really empathize with not wanting to be stripped while working out. I wear boxer briefs so I don't think you should be too concerned about shorts on a leg press if you wear longer underwear. I also tuck in my shirt which helps when I do dead lifts and squats. I gotta agree with Onlysoul a little bit though. You're bound to show off more flesh than you normally would at the gym.

I think you may be overthinking the compliment. I sympathize with you feeling distant from your wife but you guys are just friends at the moment, right? Perhaps you should invite her to workout with you or to try marriage counseling, something that could rebuild that relationship. That's what it sounds like you want, but don't take my word for it. You should do whatever you think is right.

I also empathize with wanting to step up your performance at work. That's sort of the process I'm going through right now but on a more existential level. Honestly, that part is way harder than the 90 day detox.

Keep up the good work Bob!

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Hehe it all depends. In my gym it isn't allowed to show off too much. Most of the times I'm also training with sweatpants and a longer T-Shirt, except on hot days.

While I think that the idea from DeepSpaceAl is good, I would consider to wait a little bit and train for a while on your own to make this routine yours before sharing it. I'm just saying this because it would be sad to lose motivation for a healthy and good routine because someone could react inapproriate or say something stupid or whatever. Happens to me way too often every time I try something but well everyone is different :P

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Thanks, guys, for the support. Yeah, I'm new to the gym thing so I still need to figure things out but I'll get there. I am hoping to build a positive track record before I approach my wife about counseling. Maybe a couple more weeks to show how I've been doing with staying off the games and avoiding the soda. I have no idea if it will work. I really hurt her with my addictive ways and I killed the trust. I'm really not sure if we can get it back. All I can do is my part in changing my life and not do this to anymore people l, whether she or someone else down the line.

Edited by Mettermrck

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Day 25/90. Another good day. I finally met with.my counselor who returned after a 3 week cross country trip. Boy was I glad to see him! I think my mood has stabilized and my withdrawal symptoms are much less. But it was still nice to tell him about all the stuff I've been through. And I have a better idea of what I want when I talk to him.

Because I had the evening appt, I just walked outside in the morning instead of the gym so I didn't slack.

Yes I need to do better at work and not just meet my daily goal and relax. When I was younger I just loved to work all out. Maybe being heavy slowed me down?

This morning I'm driving down to see my Dad. Its a 3 1/2 hr drive and I'm looking forward to it. I've often had strained relations with my dad, a lot of it because of my addictions. The problems a drug addict would get into with his parents...hiding, lying, stealing...I did those things over eating out. And I'd hide with gaming. We've reconciled but it can be nervous sometimes. Maybe now things will be different since I've finally sobered up.

Gratitude:

1. I see my Dad today!

2. Road trip!

3. I lost another 1.2 lbs today. 304.6 yeah!

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Day 26/90. I'm spending the weekend with my Dad here in Bluffton SC, a few hours south of where I live. It was good to reconnect with family and and confide in people about the struggles I've been going through. Yet for all the struggles, I felt optimistic with the changes I'm going through and I think things will be ok. My Dad said it sounded like I had a good attitude. He's going to have my cousins take a look at my car and make sure it runs well. They both manage tire shops so that'll make things easier on me.

      We had a good time yesterday. We had a nice lunch together and then we went to the pool to swim and lounge around. My Dad and I had a good talk in the hot tub and he was saying how important it is to have family around you. And that is so true! It was nice being able to confide in him and not feel so self-conscious about my problems as I have in the past. I think I'm being more open and honest in dealing with them.

       They served a fantastic dinner with gumbo,, london broil, caprice salad, corn on the cob, and bread. And with my food changes, I ate heartily. I felt a bit guilty afterwards for overeating but I'll be back at it this week for working out and watching my eating. It was a vacation after all.

       I drive back today...too bad it was such a short visit but I enjoyed it. I'm riding along with him in 3 weeks to visit my cousins so that'll he fun.

Gratitude:

1. I spent quality time with my father and his wife this weekend.

2. I have a supportive family around me.

3. I got to eat a delicious hearty meal last night!

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That's rad man! Isn't it one of the best things about quitting your addictions, is that you don't feel constantly guilty for being a slump? Then when you talk to people you've actually got your head held high! Sounds like you had a great weekend. Good on ya man!

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Day 27/90. Today went well. I loved visiting my Dad and hated to leave but it's impossible to get time off at work for the holiday weekend. It felt good reconnecting with my father and I think he saw me in a better place than I have been. I didn't feel so alone for having seen him and his wife Judy. 

     When I got home, I was in tears. It was crazy. I missed him so much. My Dad and I have fought off and on over the years and a lot of it had to do with my choice of majors in college and then my rebellious behavior (spending and overeating). We eventually made peace but there was always a nervous tension. When I bottomed out this past year, I wasn't talking to him at all...not out of anger but my own shame.

Now that I am moving on from those things that caused such turmoil in our relationship, maybe I just felt such raw emotions of regret for the years wasted. I'm 41 and he's 70. I don't know how many years I'll have left with him. I'm glad things are changing.

Gratitude:

1. I have my father back in my life and I won't wreck things over the same stupid addictions.

2. I will be back in 3 weeks to tag along with him and visit my uncle.

3. I have a good car that allows me to travel to see family.

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