Here I am

[Hitaru]

My name's Jose. I'm a 21 year old NEET from Spain. Well, where to start...

My father was an amateur web designer and taught me how to use computers since I was five. He is also a slob and a parasite, and by that time an abusive alcoholic. My mother was working all day because of that, so I was mostly left alone with my pampering grandma for years. And videogames.

My parents were concerned about pedophiles and scammers so I wasn't allowed to play online, be in forums or communicating with the outside world in general. My games were at first mostly PS1 and 2 inherited by my much older cousin when he began a middle-age lifestyle, flash games on the internet and the ol' Game Boy I still own.

I was declared with giftedness when I was 6. It's probably the worst thing that happened in my life, and the one that affected it the most. My father was overtly proud of having a "special" son and heir. Asshole. My mother was traditionally weak of character and the whole thing overwhelmed her, like everything else in her life. They followed the advice of doctors and we were invited to join an organization "of people like me" to receive special courses and formation in order to optimally exploit our natural talent. In the end we were just a bunch of pretentious bullied retards.

Then one day I was visiting my uncle and he's always been a fan of grand strategy and simulators. By that time I adored him, he was my role model, the "cool uncle" stereotype, and we shared a common interest in military history and being cynical bastards. So there he was playing that gem of Rome Total War, with its dark humor and all its megalomaniac glory.

I was never praised for my grades. "It's just your job". "Do I get praise for doing my job?". I was bullied, even by people I thought were my friends, or completely harmless. Supposedly I was a special snowflake, but nobody had the kindness, or the common sense (I developed many theories to understand this "contradiction") of acting accordingly to it. I talked too weird, too pedantic, trying to appear clever, better than anyone else; or so they said. I was never accepted. And it was only my fault.

But here, these motherfuckers all with the same face needed ME to command them for fictional world domination! That submarine NEEDED a captain! And each summer I could go to my uncle's place and show him my improvements, endlessly trying to surpass him and achieving his acknowledgment as an equal. His respect.

It was magnificent.

But then things got out of hand. I started playing more. Compulsively, again and again. Eight, ten hours a day, every day. I stopped studying. Things in school weren't easy anymore. I started failing. Everyone screamed "How could you, being so smart?" My classmates to justify their aggressions. My teachers, to justify their inaction. Mom, God knows why.

I wasn't the number one anymore. I wasn't the special snowflake. In fact, I was a failure. Everyone treated me like that, or so I felt. That feeling kept growing and growing. Only videogames remained.

Some of you talk about the social aspect of videogames, the rewarding experience of development and achievement, or the endless discovery of new games that keeps you hooked. Well, for me it was literally a drug. Numb myself for all day, with the same games, the same two or three games, always by myself, then going to sleep with regret, angst, hatred and a nasty headache and nausea. I used to be terrified, thinking I probably killed enough neurons to not being special anymore. My only value as a human being was exclusively related to their existence and potential applications. Now my mother treats me like I'm psychologically impaired, my friends just have that knowing smile, "He's just at it again", and I've got nothing to prove to anyone, so I guess it doesn't matter now.

Dad left, Mom started growing a pair of ovaries and adolescence arrived. I had an outcast, spiteful phase and a "feigned normalcy" phase. I degraded myself to the extreme in order to be accepted. I was a clown, a doormat. It somewhat worked. I got into anime and games were left for social occasions. And then the dreaded opposite sex (which later became both of them) made their sudden apparition (nobody expected them, like our Inquisition).

I'm 16 and I meet this girl, horrible in the outside, all messed up in the inside, but we kind of have an empathic connection, I see part of me in her. So we fuck and we chill and I treat her like my bitch, and she gets her (deserved) revenge making me all alone and guilt-tripping me into a cozy, crazy, codependent relationship. I never stopped playing, mind you. I used dating her as an excuse to stop attending class, until I finally dropped it completely, and things spiraled into a complete nightmare which I somehow got away after two years.

I started trying to make friends again. Complete failure. I couldn't even speak properly after two full years of talking exclusively to one person. I still have a bit of stutter from back then. Desperate, I began to pursue one of my passions, theatre. I've had a main role in a play in high-school but nothing else, so I start taking classes. Then a miracle happened, and I entered a Dramatic Arts College in a matter of months (I'll tell how this happened the next time). New town, new friends, new life. It was Heaven.

But then all the anxiety, all the social problems, all the spoiled childhood never having to do anything at home, and all the addictions came forth at once. And I dropped it. My God, I dropped it. My whole life, my future, my greatest chance, put there just for me. This happened this year. It's been 7 months again at home, playing games (now it’s the turn of Paradox grand strategy) 16 hours a day. Grandma's ill, she says and does the same things again and again, watches the same news on TV all day and verbally abuses everyone. My mother works all day, not out of economical need now, but to avoid being at home. And here I am. When an obviously senile and delusional woman is still able to call you a loiterer, you should start worrying about your situation.

I just… I just can’t deal with this. With anything. I don’t know what to expect. I've told enough information to be easily recognized by any of my acquaintances. What if they find this? Will they mock me? Will they pity me?

What if you do?

But you know what? Fuck it. Seriously, fuck it. I don't care anymore. I'm afraid, I'm vulnerable. You want to take advantage of me? You want to kill me? Go ahead. I've had enough. My genes and brain are not with me but I have to be brave to get out of this or to jump from a cliff and end it all. I don't feel inclined to one way over the other, whatever comes first will do. It's probably the best option to try the first option first though.

So here's my start point. 21 years. No studies. No job. No hope. No motivation. The list goes on. I'm at my lowest moment and I don't really know where to start from here on. I don't know what's going to be me in the next 90 days but I know for sure, it's not going to be fun.

Thank you so much for reading. I hope I'll be boring you again very, very soon.

[Cam Adair]

Hey Jose!

It's great to have you join us here and thank you for sharing. Being vulnerable and being raw and honest is a positive step forward in your recovery.

When I quit gaming I was also at my lowest point. Depressed, no high school diploma, no friends, bullied, suicidal, etc. But quitting games was the catalyst to push me forward, and you now have this same opportunity, which is quite exciting!

Take it one day at a time and I encourage you to maintain a journal on the forums so you can gain the support of the community.

[Hitaru]

Then I shall. I'm not very experienced with forums and journals but it shouldn't be that hard. It'll be a good way of motivating myself to do at least one thing worth writing. And maybe somebody could find it useful in the future.

I hope this "honesty" turns into righteous anger and strength. I'll try, and we'll see!

[Tom]

Hi Jose, welcome to the forum!

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's a powerful one. I'm looking forward to following your journal.

I encourage you to read around the forum and get a feel of the community. And know this: we've got your back.

[Hitaru]

Thank you, really. It's been a rough time these last days, but I'm getting to work the sooner I possibly can. Now with a bit less profanity! I hope.