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seriousjay

Jay's Epic Journey

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22 minutes ago, seriousjay said:

Ah, fair enough!

Yeah, for me, getting married and starting a family are very important. However, I know that finding the right person is going to take time and effort. So I need to put a conscious effort towards meeting a lot of people and getting to know them at least a little bit. It's impossible to say where the right person is going to come from so I cannot close the door on any possibility really.

Yeh, the stakes are very high in that "game" and if you pick the wrong person the outcome might be quite terrible(worse than death IMO). Honestly for me getting married and family was like the last thing I ever wanted in my life but I gave it a try a couple of times to realize that its not my cup of tea. All in all, I appreciate people with true family values so I like your intentions. In my opinion, what is the most important thing is to be sure that the partner is really loyal to you because you know its easy to have people around you when you are on top but most of them will disappear like cockroaches after you switched on the light at night if you will hit the bottom.

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14 hours ago, Niko_Buccellati said:

Yeh, the stakes are very high in that "game" and if you pick the wrong person the outcome might be quite terrible(worse than death IMO). Honestly for me getting married and family was like the last thing I ever wanted in my life but I gave it a try a couple of times to realize that its not my cup of tea. All in all, I appreciate people with true family values so I like your intentions. In my opinion, what is the most important thing is to be sure that the partner is really loyal to you because you know its easy to have people around you when you are on top but most of them will disappear like cockroaches after you switched on the light at night if you will hit the bottom.

Man don't I know it when it comes to the last part.

I can definitely appreciate not wanting to get married and have kids. It takes up so much time and effort. But I love it. It took some getting used to with having Julia around but I really appreciate her and Damian being in my life. I can only imagine the joy raising my own kids will bring me.

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So tonight I went on a second date in two nights with one girl. Last night went alright - not good, not bad, just alright - she isn't really much of a talker, at all, so I really struggled to get her to talk about anything, but we finally did have some decent conversation about whatever. Tonight we were heading out to play some board games with a group of friends, and I suggested to her to meet up earlier and we could spend some time playing a board game that I brought, which she agreed to (she said that she was more comfortable spending time doing stuff so that seemed to be an easy way to keep things casual). She ended up not wanting to play the board game and seemed to be more interested in finding out when everyone else was coming, constantly on her phone.

She told me she was really excited to see me and that she had a great time last night, so I don't know if I was just expecting way too much or what. If we're going on a date, I would expect for you to at least put your phone away and attempt to engage with me. Even if you're not necessarily in your element, at least make the effort. I get that I'm not that great a conversationalist just yet, with the vast majority of my life experiences being of video games. That's something that's just going to take time to work out. I ended up telling her that this didn't really seem like it was going to work out.

I dunno.. part of me feels like I gave up too soon, but I just wasn't really feeling it at all. Even if we continued seeing each other, I just didn't see a way that either of us would be really satisfied. You're not going to click with that many people and I get that, so maybe all I really need to take from this is using it as a learning experience.

I'm very much open to any feedback regarding this.

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Board games are a very 'friendly' activity, something to do with your buddies. I'm not saying it's a bad date, but it doesn't set a tone of man-to-woman interaction. Also, some girls are just shy or really just want to follow your lead, wherever it goes. If she says she was really excited to see you and had a great time, that's a clear signal for you to take it further. Even though she might have not actually enjoyed it, it's likely that she is still into you and just wants to do something else - possibly more physical 😄

Just my guess from a brief text description. 

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Hmm, well the phone thing could be either just be bad character, but maybe she was nervos too. But overall I think you made the right decision, if you are really searching a girl for you, then there is no need to waste time on her. If just fun, you could keep it up...

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3 hours ago, Samon said:

Hmm, well the phone thing could be either just be bad character, but maybe she was nervos too. But overall I think you made the right decision, if you are really searching a girl for you, then there is no need to waste time on her. If just fun, you could keep it up...

Yeah I dunno. She is definitely introverted. Getting her to talk at all was very hard work lol. The phone thing definitely could have been nervousness.. or even just a matter of having no idea what else to do. Explanation below.

9 hours ago, JustTom said:

Board games are a very 'friendly' activity, something to do with your buddies. I'm not saying it's a bad date, but it doesn't set a tone of man-to-woman interaction. Also, some girls are just shy or really just want to follow your lead, wherever it goes. If she says she was really excited to see you and had a great time, that's a clear signal for you to take it further. Even though she might have not actually enjoyed it, it's likely that she is still into you and just wants to do something else - possibly more physical 😄

Just my guess from a brief text description. 

Yeah it's a little hard to really get a good read from a description of what happened lol.

To your second point, like I mentioned before, I have very little life experiences beyond video games so I do rely on other people at times to give me a sense of which direction to take things. That being said, I do not see myself as a typical dude. I WANT people I hang out with to guide things along at least as much as I'm happy to take the reins myself. I WANT to get to know people, what they like to do, etc. This is especially true of a significant other. I don't want to date someone that's simply going to wait for me to do everything. I'm happy to make the plans, but I want to know what they like to do as well, and engage in those activities. What the fuck is the point of a relationship if it doesn't go two-ways?

-----

Now on to the aftermath. I am simply extremely confused now. She texted me today to say that she wanted to give it another chance, that she thinks I'm a really great guy, and that she "really really wants this to work". OK. I believe her. Although the way this is all going makes me think that she's even more clueless than I am about how to actually date people.

She told me she's never had a relationship last more than 2 months, and she's 30 years old now. When I asked her why, she said she gets bored easily. When I asked her before what she wants to do, what kind of passions she has in life, she says she has none. When I asked her what she's looking for in a relationship and what types of things she'd want from a boyfriend, she said she doesn't know.

It's as if she simply lacks a soul, she has no fire burning inside her for some kind of purpose in life. I actually find this really sad because it reminds me of how I was before I started my game quitting journey. Interestingly though, she told me she feels she's addicted to video games herself. I didn't actually believe her because she didn't strike me as having the typical symptoms of it, but now I'm beginning to think there's more to that.

The funny thing is I have always thought that it wouldn't be a bad thing for me to date someone exactly like this. I've conquered video game addiction, among other things, and I always thought it would be a great challenge and also an excellent bonding opportunity to help someone else overcome the same types of things. So that part of it doesn't actually faze me. I won't deny that there is definitely a selfish element to this: I would feel extremely proud to successfully help someone through such challenges. It at least appears that I might get my chance.

Anyways, we have another date planned for next weekend. I guess we'll see how things go then.

Edited by seriousjay

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52 minutes ago, JustTom said:

https://youtu.be/F1fAWT6eRWA

The alpha and omega. 

I've watched so many of these things and I've decided that, aside from general rules of thumb that are typically applicable in all situations, like grooming yourself well, being polite to people, allowing others to shine in a conversation, etc. etc., these "how-tos" are so over-dramatized and overblown that they make situations that happen in movies look realistic at times. Every single person on this planet is unique. Every single person will react differently to specific stimuli. Hell, how ready someone is to receive what you have to offer is a huge factor. A person can react one way to something you say or do, and 6 months later, you could have the exact same scenario and get a completely different reaction.

I've pretty much decided that the best rule to follow is simply to be yourself and allow the dominoes to fall as they may. I want to heavily stress that I DO NOT believe this means I don't have things to work on and improve. That "yourself" that I'm talking about has to constantly get better and better. That comes with time and especially experience, and being able to identify the areas that need to be worked on and actually taking steps to do so.

All that being said, that video is actually pretty good. Easily the best one I've seen on this subject. Thanks for sharing.

EDIT: One thing I disagree with though is the idea that if you ran into the perfect girl and were unsuccessful in making her your girlfriend, it isn't because you fucked up. It's because you weren't ready. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time, but one or several skills were lacking. It's up to you to identify what needs to improve for the next time and to actually work on that.

Edited by seriousjay
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@seriousjay Hey Jay, I think at this point in time it's you who has to ask yourself some very important questions. Like, do I want to make a project out of this person? Because if you follow your subconscious ego and "Saviour complex" as it's often called, you might invest time and energy in this woman to try and pull her out of the swamp that is addiction, but all of us here know that it is only possible if the addict herself puts in the work and has the will power and deep desire to change. So do you really want to engage with her seeing her like a work in progress project? It will be a situation out of balance and what's worse is she might drag you back into games with her. The signs are obvious, lack of direction in life, social awkwardness maybe multiplied by gaming. So, keep that in mind and ask yourself another question: Can you engage with her as a person to person not lowering your standards just because she's an addict? Is spending time with her interesting, fun? What qualities does she have that you like? And if you don't know the answers that's okay but keep asking yourself from time to time. Maybe when you go out, ask her a lot of questions about herself just like you did already. 

 

How did you feel when she was looking at her phone and not speaking to you, on the date?

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18 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

@seriousjay Hey Jay, I think at this point in time it's you who has to ask yourself some very important questions. Like, do I want to make a project out of this person? Because if you follow your subconscious ego and "Saviour complex" as it's often called, you might invest time and energy in this woman to try and pull her out of the swamp that is addiction, but all of us here know that it is only possible if the addict herself puts in the work and has the will power and deep desire to change. So do you really want to engage with her seeing her like a work in progress project? It will be a situation out of balance and what's worse is she might drag you back into games with her. The signs are obvious, lack of direction in life, social awkwardness maybe multiplied by gaming. So, keep that in mind and ask yourself another question: Can you engage with her as a person to person not lowering your standards just because she's an addict? Is spending time with her interesting, fun? What qualities does she have that you like? And if you don't know the answers that's okay but keep asking yourself from time to time. Maybe when you go out, ask her a lot of questions about herself just like you did already. 

 

How did you feel when she was looking at her phone and not speaking to you, on the date?

These are all very good points that I will have to keep in mind. Another one: nobody felt sorry for me when I was going through this whole thing, and it's not my obligation to change anyone.

All it really comes down to is: do I enjoy spending time with this person? If the answer is yes, then I guess the rest can be worked out somehow.

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After a couple of days of stressing the hell out over my dating situation, I've decided to follow the advice of meditation: relax, take a deep breath, tune into the moment and stop worrying.

I have a new motto: When in doubt, turn to meditation lessons.

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