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Matt

Quest for the perfect life - My Journal

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Hello I'm 31 y/o male, and I became addicted to games in 2011. I have been playing games since I was 12, got my own computer with 14 and since then I played a LOT. Problems in college, a general disorientation what to do with my life, and a broken heart led me to spend a shameful amount of time on online games. This is hard to write down now because I'm ashamed of it, but to illustrate on how bad it has been: I avoided all human contact, I didn't deal with a debt that was amounting, neglecting all friends outside of gaming, basically completely gave up on myself for over two years.

It is a shitty situation, because I have no way of earning much money right now, and at times I have lost my will to keep going, but not anymore. I know I can change. I already improved many aspects of my life and I'm proud to say that I quit games, too. This is my life and I'm gonna live it. To the fullest!

About eight weeks ago I stopped with consuming porn, trying to go NoFap hard mode. I quickly found out that I came back to opening my porn folder whenever I had cravings. I was discussing this in the NoFap community and people gave me the advice to delete it all to ignore the sunk cost fallacy. Then I did it, I got rid of it ALL, and it was freaking LIBERATING.

With gaming it's exactly the same. I tried quitting two weeks ago, and I made it 2 days without gaming, it was boring as hell and I was thinking often about the game. The excitement, the adventure, the progress, the rich life in the game. Then I found out that I'm really addicted and decided to quit games and delete 'my game', which I have dumped 5000 hours into alone.

While I'm glad this is over I'm a little scared too. This is a unique situation for me. I need to find new activities and build new social connections to make this stick. I'm quitting two addictions at once, porn and gaming and I might run into real difficulties. I have had real strong urges today because living life at home with my parents means hell for them, and consequently for me. They just see my bad career situation, they see a loser and an addict, and especially my mother shares that with me as much as she can. Sometimes it's hard not to blame them. I'm doing my best not to let them get to me and live my life regardless. They did the best they could raising me, and they gave me a lot of love. They also sheltered me when I needed it the most. I'm supposed to be thankful for that. 

Here's why I played
  * It's easy to become rich and powerful in the gameworld. I had high status there and hat a lot of currency and wealth. You can go anywhere and everywhere - in the gameworld. Other, newer players look up to you (at least I thought they did) for guidance and strength.
  * The ability to fight massive hordes of enemies and other players that gave me a sense that I'm a great fighter. I like the role of a fighter a lot, that's why I always played action oriented games.
  * A sense of freedom. I could go anywhere where I liked in the gameworld without worrying about logistics, money, clothing, beaurocracy, food, lodging and all the other things that are required for actual traveling. I saw beautiful places all around the solar system. I was at home in the stars.
  * I was important. I was selling a lot of gear and everyday people wanted to buy something from me. This gave me the sense that I'm a great merchant. I enjoyed dealing with people (most of the time) and always try to be friendly to everyone.
  * It was nice to be able to master something to a perfection. In every game I played I tried to perfect my movement and aim. I was the kind of guy that played only one or two games at a time but tried to become supreme in each of them.


Why I quit playing

  * To have more free time
  * To have time to refine some real world skills and to learn totally new stuff
  * Because I need to become a MAN. Hearing my (still gamer) friends talk about games at the age of 30+ isn't very nice. I feel like I'm talking to big boys.
  * Find new friends that don't game and share some interests with me.
  * To live a life that's actually REAL not virtual.
  * To rid myself of an addiction which means dependency.


First few days

  * It turns out that quitting gaming was easier for me than to quit porn. Many times when I dwell over a frustrating problem at home, I have a strong urge to look at it. It's much more available than gaming too. Many people who go NoFap use gaming to deal with their urges but to me that's not acceptable anymore. I will have to find other ways to deal with them.

In his Reboot course Cam points out repeatedly how important it is to find a whole new bunch of activities to replace gaming as a whole. I chose to try out drawing and it is indeed extremely calming. Especially when I go draw symbols and ornamentation. There's much serenity in that. I also learned about creating mosaics as I always found that a fascinating, enduring art form. I plan to soon(tm) acquire the necessary tools and materials to get me started there.

Cam also teaches me the importance to stop for a minute and be proud of yourself. This is a big help, too! I do this often during the day, especially in moments of frustration. It's good to kill negative moods and to stay focused on your positive goals. Coincidentally what I learned from my NoFap streaks (times of complete abstinence) is that love was a powerful motivator for me. Love, care, compassion for myself and others. Every time I got an urge I 'saved' that love for later, so it's not wasted and the energy is kept to be given to someone. This really kept me going and I think it's a thought worth keeping in mind for any future urges to come.

 

Edited by Matt
Title changed another time.

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Hey welcome to the battlefield ;) You seem to have made a real good start. Thanks for sharing your Story. I know how hard it is to deal with that shame. But is your story and it is ok as it is. Now you can move on to new things.  Physical activity can help with urges. Go for a walk/jog/run. Also it is really good that you allready start to try out new activities. Just be waare of how you feel at them and don't be afraid to try even more new things. Do them for a while and then reevalulate if they  are good for you.

We all lived through similar stuff here and if you need any pointers or help just ask. We are happy to help!

Edited by WorkInProgress

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Welcome, Matt!  I also liked games because I could be really awesome at anything I wanted to be (for me, it was usually a healer or mage).  But the secret.... you can be awesome at real life, too!  One day at a time. For all of us.

And good luck with the NoFap!  That's something I haven't quite had the nerve to attempt yet.

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You wrote that you like being fighter in games. Maybe it's good to sign up for martial art classes? In games you were a good merchant, why not to try it irl?

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** Five Days Later

Needless to say there were a lot of urges this first week. However I took Cam's advice and kept myself busy outside the house with a canoing day trip and some volunteer work. For the days working at home at the screen I used the method of whats-his-name? 25 min screen time 5 min non-digital. I did chores like cleaning or making beverages usually for those breaks. It's an excellent method and I will keep doing it. I'm proud to have kept all my commitments this week.

Thank you Piotr for bringing up Martial Arts and being a merchant. I have started a Jiu Jutsu class earlier this year and this was a huge stepping stone for me. Then I learned how much I loved fighting but at the same time how much work there still has to be done to become good at it! It's not like in some fighting game where you learn some button combinations to make special moves but it's hard work. Anyway, I haven't given up, tomorrow the new season starts and I will hit the dojo two to three times a week.

And yeah, about being a merchant... I considered trying that irl but so far I haven't figured out how to go about it it. It's one of the things I really want to try but avoid at the same time because as with every new thing there is a lot of room for failure.

Speaking of failure and success, I'm trying to set really low goals now wherever I can. It's an amazing method that looks dumb at first. For example set the goal to read 1 page of this book. Then you do it and if you read 10 pages you have exceeded your goal tenfold! It's a great feeling of success. These little successes are really important to me because over the years I have built the habit of losing, of not succeeding in my goals. Winners have the habit of winning and it's these little victories that can change the whole game for you.

Thank you all for your encouraging words, I really appreciate it!! It's great to see others respond well to something you wrote and to see others have the same experience but are also positive about it!

~ In memory of our brothers and sisters who died on 9/11 ~

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Hello! :) 

Hello I'm 31 y/o male, and I became addicted to games in 2011. I have been playing games since I was 12, got my own computer with 14 and since then I played a LOT. Problems in college, a general disorientation what to do with my life, and a broken heart led me to spend a shameful amount of time on online games. This is hard to write down now because I'm ashamed of it, but to illustrate on how bad it has been: I avoided all human contact, I didn't deal with a debt that was amounting, neglecting all friends outside of gaming, basically completely gave up on myself for over two years.

This is just your past, and thanks to the fact that you hitted the bottom you're so motivated to start take any action to quit video games.

Dude, that's awesome! You can make just smarter decisions right now! :)

 

It is a shitty situation, because I have no way of earning much money right now, and at times I have lost my will to keep going, but not anymore. I know I can change. I already improved many aspects of my life and I'm proud to say that I quit games, too. This is my life and I'm gonna live it. To the fullest!

So, we have at least one characteristic in common. Desire to live our lives to the fullest. Just keep it up!

 

About eight weeks ago I stopped with consuming porn, trying to go NoFap hard mode. I quickly found out that I came back to opening my porn folder whenever I had cravings. I was discussing this in the NoFap community and people gave me the advice to delete it all to ignore the sunk cost fallacy. Then I did it, I got rid of it ALL, and it was freaking LIBERATING.

That's the key to become a real man.

Btw. I saw a similar scene of liberating ritual of getting dispose of porn collection in a movie "Thanks for sharing." That's a recent movie, and I strongly recommend it for you to see it. :)

 

With gaming it's exactly the same. I tried quitting two weeks ago, and I made it 2 days without gaming, it was boring as hell and I was thinking often about the game. The excitement, the adventure, the progress, the rich life in the game. Then I found out that I'm really addicted and decided to quit games and delete 'my game', which I have dumped 5000 hours into alone.

It's like your own personal drug. I mean, not a medication, a drug. Like cocaine or so.

But you can change it day after day.

 

While I'm glad this is over I'm a little scared too. This is a unique situation for me. I need to find new activities and build new social connections to make this stick. I'm quitting two addictions at once, porn and gaming and I might run into real difficulties. I have had real strong urges today because living life at home with my parents means hell for them, and consequently for me. They just see my bad career situation, they see a loser and an addict, and especially my mother shares that with me as much as she can. Sometimes it's hard not to blame them. I'm doing my best not to let them get to me and live my life regardless. They did the best they could raising me, and they gave me a lot of love. They also sheltered me when I needed it the most. I'm supposed to be thankful for that.

Fear is a normal feeling in life. But to get rid of it you have to accept the worst scenario you can get in a terrifying situation.

Basically, you can die or be brutally beaten to unconsciousness in the situation you've explained here. So, despite your fear, you're safe.

Quitting 2 things is a bigger challenge, but it's still bearable. 

To figure out how to deal with porn, you should find an answer to the question: "What's are the functions of sexual cohabitation? Is it using it just for pleasure and as a toy?"

Think about it.

 

Here's why I played
  * It's easy to become rich and powerful in the gameworld. I had high status there and hat a lot of currency and wealth. You can go anywhere and everywhere - in the gameworld. Other, newer players look up to you (at least I thought they did) for guidance and strength.
  * The ability to fight massive hordes of enemies and other players that gave me a sense that I'm a great fighter. I like the role of a fighter a lot, that's why I always played action oriented games.
  * A sense of freedom. I could go anywhere where I liked in the gameworld without worrying about logistics, money, clothing, beaurocracy, food, lodging and all the other things that are required for actual traveling. I saw beautiful places all around the solar system. I was at home in the stars.
  * I was important. I was selling a lot of gear and everyday people wanted to buy something from me. This gave me the sense that I'm a great merchant. I enjoyed dealing with people (most of the time) and always try to be friendly to everyone.
  * It was nice to be able to master something to a perfection. In every game I played I tried to perfect my movement and aim. I was the kind of guy that played only one or two games at a time but tried to become supreme in each of them.

1) It's so delusive. Everything you've obtained is virtual, even if you can sell it for real money, you won't earn so much in comparison with ordinary job.

2) "Real fighter" with real problems, huh? :)

3) Freedom which ends between walls of your secluded room. Awesome interpretation :)

4)That's something you can transfer in real life. I mean, by taking the right actions, you can also be admired by other people, just like @Cam did with founding GQ. ;)

5) Just like in real life - you can master anything, but you've escaped the real life to be a master in illusionary world.

That's my summary, don't feel discouraged, it's just a brutal truth.

 

Why I quit playing

  * To have more free time
  * To have time to refine some real world skills and to learn totally new stuff
  * Because I need to become a MAN. Hearing my (still gamer) friends talk about games at the age of 30+ isn't very nice. I feel like I'm talking to big boys.
  * Find new friends that don't game and share some interests with me.
  * To live a life that's actually REAL not virtual.
  * To rid myself of an addiction which means dependency.

1) Trust me, you will :) That's the best especially at the beginning, that you can finally become free and do whatever you desire!

2) Have you listed them? Because when you won't make it specific, it's harder to achieve it.

3) Quitting porn was your first step to become a man. Now you can make more of them :)

4) Have you spotted any places or events to go? That's important to schedule it each week :)

5) Key to success.

6) Not so profound, but enough to feel more motivated ;)

 

First few days

  * It turns out that quitting gaming was easier for me than to quit porn. Many times when I dwell over a frustrating problem at home, I have a strong urge to look at it. It's much more available than gaming too. Many people who go NoFap use gaming to deal with their urges but to me that's not acceptable anymore. I will have to find other ways to deal with them.

 And you don't have any symptoms of mindless internet browsing? If not, that's awesome! But be aware that they may come, and from gaming streams to games is just a single step...

Just don't get triggered by these stupid let's play videos!

 

In his Reboot course Cam points out repeatedly how important it is to find a whole new bunch of activities to replace gaming as a whole. I chose to try out drawing and it is indeed extremely calming. Especially when I go draw symbols and ornamentation. There's much serenity in that. I also learned about creating mosaics as I always found that a fascinating, enduring art form. I plan to soon(tm) acquire the necessary tools and materials to get me started there.

If you enjoy it, then you should just keep it up each and every day!

Have you tried reading? That one also rocks! :)

If you need any suggestions, just let me know ;)

 

Cam also teaches me the importance to stop for a minute and be proud of yourself. This is a big help, too! I do this often during the day, especially in moments of frustration. It's good to kill negative moods and to stay focused on your positive goals. Coincidentally what I learned from my NoFap streaks (times of complete abstinence) is that love was a powerful motivator for me. Love, care, compassion for myself and others. Every time I got an urge I 'saved' that love for later, so it's not wasted and the energy is kept to be given to someone. This really kept me going and I think it's a thought worth keeping in mind for any future urges to come.

I recommend you to watch only 1 @Cam video each day and implement one thing from it each day.

His videos can help you in the early stages of your detox(es). :)

"Saving love for later" is an awesome idea to be consistent about NoFap. You've just inspired me with that sentence.

 

** Five Days Later

Needless to say there were a lot of urges this first week. However I took Cam's advice and kept myself busy outside the house with a canoing day trip and some volunteer work. For the days working at home at the screen I used the method of whats-his-name? 25 min screen time 5 min non-digital. I did chores like cleaning or making beverages usually for those breaks. It's an excellent method and I will keep doing it. I'm proud to have kept all my commitments this week.

Great method!

Btw. working (even by volunteer) can help with your finances. If you're working hard, and someone else who's looking for a worker will see it, then why can't he offer a good full-time job for you? :)

 

Thank you Piotr for bringing up Martial Arts and being a merchant. I have started a Jiu Jutsu class earlier this year and this was a huge stepping stone for me. Then I learned how much I loved fighting but at the same time how much work there still has to be done to become good at it! It's not like in some fighting game where you learn some button combinations to make special moves but it's hard work. Anyway, I haven't given up, tomorrow the new season starts and I will hit the dojo two to three times a week.

To be honest, @Piotr has a lot of brilliant ideas :). He's my accountibility partner, have you found your own?

 

And yeah, about being a merchant... I considered trying that irl but so far I haven't figured out how to go about it it. It's one of the things I really want to try but avoid at the same time because as with every new thing there is a lot of room for failure.

Speaking of failure and success, I'm trying to set really low goals now wherever I can. It's an amazing method that looks dumb at first. For example set the goal to read 1 page of this book. Then you do it and if you read 10 pages you have exceeded your goal tenfold! It's a great feeling of success. These little successes are really important to me because over the years I have built the habit of losing, of not succeeding in my goals. Winners have the habit of winning and it's these little victories that can change the whole game for you.

Same with time. Spend 5 minutes on running during sunrise. Then you can go back. 

But it's so hard to go to back to bed when you're started, so you're running, and running, and so on and then you've ran for an hour! 12x more then you wanted to achieve! :D

 

Thank you all for your encouraging words, I really appreciate it!! It's great to see others respond well to something you wrote and to see others have the same experience but are also positive about it!

~ In memory of our brothers and sisters who died on 9/11 ~

You're welcome, Matt!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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Things are going OK. There are urges but at the moment it's a more random than usual. I'm wearing tight jeans that seem to help to diminish the urge to fap. I try to split the day similar to a 'regular work day'. 8 hours work then later dialing down, reading, excercise etc. Maybe in the late evening I work a little more. I play around on the guitar in the evenings too, and I get the feeling that it would be amazing to be able to sing decently. Just a few more days that we have really hot weather then summer will be over!

I started to read Models by Mark Manson to deal with my crippling anxiety with women and this book is busting open something that might be the key to change it all. I've read the first part of the book and it is now clear to me that a painful path lies ahead of me, but I intend to walk it. It turns out I have little to no ability to express my emotions towards women and usually I quickly end up talking and asking about 'safe' and boring stuff. This bothers me a lot obviously because it makes my life really boring and dreary. 

I went NoFap to defeat my porn habit and become a better person. Now I realize that there is a lot of work to be done to reconnect with my emotions, to truly accept who I am and become comfortable with it. There's a lot more to be said, but I need to get going. 

A remark to everyone who cared enough to reply here. I cherish this opportunity to talk about what's going on in my life and for the first time in a very long period I feel truly understood here. I'm overwhealmed by the amazing responses you gave me. I'm really grateful for every response. Thank you all!

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Hi Matt, sounds like you're making great progress! 

Urges will come and go, just remember they'll pass. The best ways I found to get rid of them was to get engaged with another activity (preferably outdoors), remember your reasons for quitting gaming, thinking forward to the person you want to become, and recalling the hours wasted on video games. Whenever I think of playing video games, I now also think in a third person perspective - thinking what I'd look like from an observer's perspective. It'd just look like I'm staring at a computer for countless hours, and that's easier to think of as something I'm not wanting to do.

You've got an awesome attitude towards becoming a better person and taking on all advice, so keep it up man! :D

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Summer is now over which is now changing things up a bit. I have less things to do outside now that I can squeeze in between the work on the screen, but that's OK. I have a bit less motivation to work out than usual and also working less hours than last week.

On a more positive note, since I'm a long time member in the local air rifle club and shooting is an enjoyable thing to do, I restarted shooting on a more regular basis. There's a shooting evening every second Saturday, which is nice to start out the night and theres weekly training on Tuesday which might complement my martial arts and dance classes nicely.

Since I enjoyed volunteer working so much I applied for some more volunteer work for a church-based festival in the near future. It's a one-night thing, but it might be a good way to learn to know some more people in my town. Got no reply from them yet so I will exhaust my personal contacts to get in somehow. I know a guy in a different sect-type of church that's also taking part in the action.

If you're wondering "What the hell is going on with him..?": I have realized I like religious people a lot, at least they try to be descent people and have strong morals. Many people nowadays can't tell the difference between good and evil anymore and don't listen to the ancient wisdoms. 

There is no real Gnostic organization here, but since Gnosis is something that transcends times and organizations and has reappeared throughout history again and again, I think it's inevitable that it will get more popular again. People will realize time and time again that the key to salvation is first a self-understanding.

"For he who has not known himself has known nothing, but he who has known has at the same time already achieved knowledge about the depth of the all." Jesus - The Book of Thomas the Contender

On a note about martial arts: My sub-concious probably told me that I don't need a training partner for Wednesday's self-organized training, so I have an excuse not to go there. *shakes fist at sub-conscious*. I really need to reprogram that part of me so I have a partner for sparring every week. The training with teachers on the other two days of the week are excellent but lack opportunities to try out things on my own and get the 'feel' of everything.

Then again there's a lot that's worthy of discussion and I will post this journal in higher frequency. But which time of day is a good time to write this? Late afternoon doesn't seem bad.

Hi Matt, sounds like you're making great progress! 

Urges will come and go, just remember they'll pass. The best ways I found to get rid of them was to get engaged with another activity (preferably outdoors), remember your reasons for quitting gaming, thinking forward to the person you want to become, and recalling the hours wasted on video games. Whenever I think of playing video games, I now also think in a third person perspective - thinking what I'd look like from an observer's perspective. It'd just look like I'm staring at a computer for countless hours, and that's easier to think of as something I'm not wanting to do.

You've got an awesome attitude towards becoming a better person and taking on all advice, so keep it up man! :D

Thank you Alex for your encouragement and advice. Yes, the third person perspective is good to help your mind control yourself and plan ahead. However I rather not think too much about the time wasted, it's still an uneerie feeling for me. I have enough to do from keeping me off games fortunately. To escape reality I now can additionally play guitar which is great because I'm really getting better at guitars as well as singing. Becoming good at this would be so great... Last year I got a little bit discouraged over some stupid comments and stopped practicing about it. *facepalm*

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<2016-09-23 Fri>
It's easy to see why this week so far has been less productive than the past. Lack of prioritization. There's many things that have come up, financial decisions to worry about, researching about how to start a business etc, fiddling around with some other stuff like accounting software and shell scripts, that have kept me from my primary task. It's a bad feeling to to worry about too much and get next to nothing done in the end... *argh*

Powerful thing that I discovered is to ask myself how I *feel* about stuff. A new Alien movie is coming out? How does that make me feel? A distant friend has died? How does it make me feel? Angela Merkel admits mistakes in her refugee politics? How does that make me feel?

This is something I've never done before. I used not to care about so much, not forming any opinion about shit, probably because I thought noone cares anyway what I think. However starting to ask myself this a lot more is starting to show results. I wrote my first song using this 'technique', by imagining myself in a specific situation and then think about how it would make me feel and interestingly the words poured out of me. It was an amazing feeling. I want to write more songs, learn more about myself, what more I can come up with, get in touch with my truth... 

I've set a bold goal, which feels kind of crazy, to get my first job as a freelance web designer within a month. Obviously it is comprised of several little sub-goals that have to be reached before hand. I'm still unclear on which order I do the things in, but I'll try to take it one thing at a time from now on.

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Priorities are HUGE. If you don't set them, the rest of the world will. The rest of the world's priorities involve you watching every new TV show, new movie, etc.

Good job setting a bold goal. Now focus on WHO YOU HAVE TO BECOME in order to achieve it.

Yep. Fake it till you make it dude ;)

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<2016-09-26 Mon>

The day is over and I'm left to stare at the blinking cursor. But I'll summarize. Day started with some volunteer work (collecting fruits...) My old boss called and offered a 'temporary' job. I know the job I kinda like it because it's very physical job, so I took it. It's just eight days. I was reluctant though because I committed already to my web project. It was basically greed that made me take it, I could rationalize it some other way, but I admit I need a little more money so I can buy a car.

Since this cuts into learning time, I will sacrifice leisurely browsing the net and other useless distracting stuff for the next two weeks, so I can still make some progress there. There's much to study for me.

As I wrote in my original post, I used to smoke a lot of weed along with the gaming. I kinda relapsed on the weed because a friend of mine brought me a 'sample' from his home-grown stuff and I smoked a couple of times. I'm thankful for the experience because it reminded me of why I quit weed. It makes you slow as fuck! It's horrible I really can't work, read, study or do anything when I'm on weed.  It's another addiction and I want a life free of those. My friend can still smoke weed I don't care, but I not gonna poison my mind with this stuff any longer.

On a more happy note, steady progress on the music front. First Salsa class tonight. This class is way more advanced than me, but I'm muddling through. Salsa reminds a lot of Rumba and some Jive figures I already know, so I was able to pick up a lot very quickly. My own music is progessing too. I don't know which goals to set there yet, but there's gonna be some soon. Guitar + songwriting is an amazing combination. In about two weeks I could perform at a local audience if I wanted to, it's open for everyone, but I don't feel I'm quite there yet. Maybe I should start by performing in front of some friends, would make for a good goal. Fuck, I need to throw a party, and the summer is already over!

I've tried the 750 word method today. http://750words.com/ This shit is crazy! I have to try this more often, it's supposed to get ideas going. It was a weird feeling just writing down things that come into your mind, but it's kind of calming, that's for sure.

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I've tried the 750 word method today. http://750words.com/ This shit is crazy! I have to try this more often, it's supposed to get ideas going. It was a weird feeling just writing down things that come into your mind, but it's kind of calming, that's for sure.

Awesome tool. Remember to just write, it doesn't have to be perfect. If you want more good ideas, find more bad ones. ;)

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<2016-09-29 Thu>
Spent half the day at work and the other at a buddhist funeral and then spending time with some friends. However the day ended horribly, as it breaks my heart to find out that I'm still heart broken inside, after all this work, this is still my main reason for pain in this life... Winning and being happy just 'don't feel like me' you know what I mean?

 

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The last month could be described as... relapse.

It physically started with the weed. A friend of mine had to harvest a lot of plants so I helped him. At first I thought how cool it was if I could do it without actually smoking it. Then I tried it saying to myself that it'd stay casual, obviously it didn't.

What lead to the gaming relapse was an email from the guy who I had given my account information, asking me about email confirmation and letting me know that there's a new event. I said to myself, just for the event...

Bam - three weeks gone and I have barely anything to show for it. What happened? This shit stops now. I don't have time for doing drugs or games. I need to stay at my senses in order to move on to another chapter of my life. I need all the fitness and perception if I get the technician job that a friend of mine could get me. I've got plenty other activities that need a lot of time now and gaming quite frankly looks quite dull compared to playing the e guitar. It is an awesome sounding instrument and I have no frigging idea why I haven't started playing it earlier. Guess I never saw myself as cool enough or something...

Needless to say, because of all the shit with the relapsing I was feeling pretty ashamed of myself all this while. It's weird because while being ashamed and addicted you actually become incredibly egoistic aswell. You start to care less for others and even yourself. The ego takes over, demanding more of the specific thing that 'satisfies'.

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Do not feel ashamed over your relapse - you show up stronger on the other side of it. Good joob making the decision to quit again, now get out there and make something great of your life, no excuses.

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Sorry to hear about your relapse, but it's important that you realized where you went wrong and got right back up. Keep moving forward, relapse happens but the important thing is that you don't let it get to you, you just keep moving forward.

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