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Journal of a Gamer Mom (possibly a manifesto too)


Ashley K.

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DAY 26:

I was so pessimistic yesterday. I still am today. I kept watching tutorials and speed drawings on YouTube only to get upset when I found out it's going to take 3-5 years, probably more to draw at a professional level. I'm feeling like learning at this point is just too late for me. I should've kept drawing when I was in high school. I should've done and finished a lot of things in high school but there's not much I can do now. 

I'm a broke, married, 27 year old mom of one and soon two kids, I live at home with my mom and grandmother, I never really worked anywhere, failed at college(s) at least 5 or 6 times, IN DIFFERENT COLLEGES. I went away to college, I fucked it up and had to come back home. Went to a community college. I just stopped going. Went to college online several times, I fucked it up every...single...time. So at this point most people would just see me as a loser if I told them everything. I'm starting to believe it. 

You have a husband and a kid. You wanted to quit playing games and you quit for over a month now. You strike me as a very motivated person. 

When are you expecting your second kid? 

In November :)

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DAY 33:

Started watching Gary V recently and at the moment I was watching one of his vids, Propeller Fest Keynote 2016 and it made me think about regret. Of course everyone has regret I mean who doesn't? But while I was watching it and at one point when he was using an example of an old man who is middle classed and didn't go for it, he has a lot of pain because of it. Thinking about things that I want to do with my life made me really scared. Scared of not going for it now and regretting it later. That really is terrifying. I never used to think that it was such a big deal not going for things you want in life because my mindset was "Why bother going for it? You're not going to get it anyway" But how are you going to know that you may not get what you want if you don't take the first step. But yes, Im truly truly terrified about not moving forward, being happy and successful.

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As Casey Neistat shared in this YouTube video, “if you commit your entire life to a dream, you will find it, because if you commit your everything, your entire being, there’s only one of two possible outcomes. Number one: You’ll find it, you will succeed. Or number two: you’ll die trying, and it won’t make a difference either way.”

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As Casey Neistat shared in this YouTube video, “if you commit your entire life to a dream, you will find it, because if you commit your everything, your entire being, there’s only one of two possible outcomes. Number one: You’ll find it, you will succeed. Or number two: you’ll die trying, and it won’t make a difference either way.”

I'm gonna watch this again since I'm subbed to him. My husband watches his videos :) 

Edited by Ashley K.
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DAY 37:

Its been a few days since I last posted. During these days and my pregnancy progressing, I've been getting increasingly more fatigued since I'm close to my due date. Living with my mother and grandmother is hard. It shouldn't be but it is. I've never worked and I've only been on my own once for a few months when I went away to college in North Carolina. I miss the freedom of being on my own but I made the choice to come back to New York and go to school. I don't regret it but I do wish that I could've done something about college or starting my career sooner. I just procrastinated and wallowed in self pity that I didn't want to bother doing anything. Now that it has come to bite me in the ass, its even harder for me to get myself started. Which is why Im always questioning whether or not being an entrepreneur is for me. I've always hated the rat race that people put themselves through only to be miserable and regret it later on. Wishing that they could've left their 9 to 5 job sooner. Trying to find my passion is hard because I'm constantly flip flopping between interests. One day its graphic design, another day its wanting to research marketing to see what its all about, and then another day its copywriting, and then journalism along with wanting to be an editor, or maybe a blogger. There are so many things I would love to be at once but I don't feel like I could ever be any of them. I shouldn't envy the ones who don't have the parental responsibility but, I do. They don't have anything to worry about. Just themselves, friends and family. They can pursue anything their heart is set on doing. I feel like I can't worry about what I want to do with my life because I focus on my kids. Living at home with my parents and being a mom and wife is all I know at this point. Thinking about this on a daily basis hurts all the time, plus being hormonal doesn't help since it escalates the issues I have with myself. All this emotional pain and hating myself everyday takes it toll. 

 

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DAY 38:

Yesterday when I was beating myself up about a lot of things (besides the pregnancy, I can't control my hormones, lol) But I knew I didn't have any faith in myself yesterday.

I was out with my mom at home depot, just picking up some stuff. When we got to the cashier, the cashier's name was Faith. I have no idea if it was just coincidence or a sign. You be the judge.

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I'll just barge in here without respect for a moment; I don't know if you've read it already, but if you haven't you should read The Slight Edge. Even if you feel like you lack time (which you probably do; I can't even imagine rasing a child), there's always time for a few small (almost insignificant) positive actions every day, and eventually, they'll add up.

These actions depend on what result you want, but whatever they are, you just have to keep doing them, give them time, and suddenly progress has been made. 

Good luck, and ^ have faith!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Day 1:

I posted yesterday about my relapse and everyone here and on reddit were very supportive.

As you all know, usually when you're a gamer and you play MMOs or MOBAs, you tend to run into toxic players and those players talk trash to you and bring down your morale. Just overall making you a negative person. What's bad is that over the years I've become negative about almost everything. Even things that are positive I turn into a negative sometimes. If I see someone I know succeeding in their life, I make up a reason to shit on them behind their backs because it's not me. Im even negative about myself. I was before in my old journal. Sometimes it feels like I can't see the light of day and everything is dark where nothing will work out for me and only the lucky ones are the ones who get what they want out of life.

Funny how gaming that is supposed to be fun, bring positivity and interaction with people all over the world, ends in negativity. 

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Hello!

Remember, that even if you relapsed it doesn't mean you're one of them.

You're NOT one of this players filled with negativity. Don't associate yourself with them.

And just get back on track when you were before in your first journal. ASAP

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

But wouldn't it be easier for me to just start from day one instead of day 38 or 40 where I left off? Confused, lol.

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Hello!

Remember, that even if you relapsed it doesn't mean you're one of them.

You're NOT one of this players filled with negativity. Don't associate yourself with them.

And just get back on track when you were before in your first journal. ASAP

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

But wouldn't it be easier for me to just start from day one instead of day 38 or 40 where I left off? Confused, lol.

I don't think he means to start at day 38 or 40... just to get back to the same mindset, I suppose, or same lifestyle when you were detoxing, one conducive to your detox

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Ah. Well the mindset I was in wasn't were I wanted to be completely. Since I was struggling with time management and finding out what I should do with my weekdays.

Well that's totally fine. I think making a daily schedule could really help with time management, if it's structure that you need. I don't really use one but I'm sure it would help a lot. About what to do, is there something that you've wanted to do for a while? Do you have a dream or goal? Maybe you should try to pursue that dream or that goal. Of course, I don't know your circumstances, but that's just my advice for you

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Hi Ashley!

I just read your relapse thread, and it's great to see you've decided to pull the plug on gaming. Just thought I'd let you know that it's a great long term decision your making, although it'll be harder to start off with. I failed my 90 detox twice until I finally completed it, so it's always possible to quit if you haven't managed it before.

You will likely heard of Joe (Wookieshark) who is one of the oldest members of the community. He has a baby, and he had similar fears to what you described earlier (such as getting frustrated at crying). After quitting gaming he had much more time to spend with his baby and it was really rewarding for them both, so I hope you will be able to cherish your time with your coming baby without video games contesting for your time. If you would like to read about Joe, I believe there's a success story on him on this website, however I'm not sure if his journal is here anymore.

All the best for creating the life you want :)

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Day 2:

Woke up at 12pm. Didn't expect to wake up so late, but it happens I guess. I didn't really feel all that great emotionally since I don't have anything to do today.

No matter how hard I'm trying to not be negative. It just comes out when I don't want it to. It's like I have to be negative about things because if I'm positive about anything, I'm just going to be disappointed later on. There are moments where I have been positive about things only for it to end in disaster. So I just feel that its easier to just be negative. I know it's not what everyone wants to hear but if I start being positive now, I feel there is only a matter of time where I'm going to get scared and just become negative again.

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Hello!

Remember, that even if you relapsed it doesn't mean you're one of them.

You're NOT one of this players filled with negativity. Don't associate yourself with them.

And just get back on track when you were before in your first journal. ASAP

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

But wouldn't it be easier for me to just start from day one instead of day 38 or 40 where I left off? Confused, lol.

I don't think he means to start at day 38 or 40... just to get back to the same mindset, I suppose, or same lifestyle when you were detoxing, one conducive to your detox

Agreed. :)

Ah. Well the mindset I was in wasn't were I wanted to be completely. Since I was struggling with time management and finding out what I should do with my weekdays.

That's great that you are aware of this.

You should go to your previous, non-gamer mindset AND improve these fields you were struggling with. :)

That's crucial.

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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If you struggle with negativity I would advice you to start a gratefullness part in your diary. Just write everyday 3 (or 5 or 10)things you are grateful for. Don't think too much about it. And it can be (and should be) seemingly insignificant things or important things. AN example could be a refreshinh drink or your child being extra nice this day. Just consistently write at least 3 of them everyday down. This will help you to refocus on thinks you can be grateful for instead of negativity. It is a reprograming of your brain in some way. Take Spinips journal for example. He is really consistent with it.

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Day 2:

Woke up at 12pm. Didn't expect to wake up so late, but it happens I guess. I didn't really feel all that great emotionally since I don't have anything to do today.

No matter how hard I'm trying to not be negative. It just comes out when I don't want it to. It's like I have to be negative about things because if I'm positive about anything, I'm just going to be disappointed later on. There are moments where I have been positive about things only for it to end in disaster. So I just feel that its easier to just be negative. I know it's not what everyone wants to hear but if I start being positive now, I feel there is only a matter of time where I'm going to get scared and just become negative again.

Well what kinds of things do you try to be positive about but then they end up with negative results, and what courses of action do you take that end up with negative results?

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