Journal of a Gamer Mom (possibly a manifesto too)

[Ashley K.]

DAY 22:

I was super lazy today. Didn't draw, watch any tutorials, or even read a book. I just watched the rest of the 4th season of American Horror Story. 

Awhile ago, I was complaining about drawing, how I wanted to draw really well, etc. My husband told me that all I do is practice twice a week. If I really want to draw and I love it I would be drawing every single day. I also complained that I wanted to use the tablet to draw but asking questions and reading around on forums and websites, people say that it's better to start drawing traditionally first. He said that I should just do what I feel is right for myself, not what someone says. Now I'm sitting here conflicted, feeling lazy, wondering what to do. This sucks.

[WorkInProgress]

 If I really want to draw and I love it I would be drawing every single day.

You got the correlation backwards. If you draw everyday you may get to loving to Keep doing it . First Action then Motivation. If you unsecure in what the best way to do things, just do anything. For example you could start drawing at your tablet. And if your drawing doesn't improve in a way you like you can still tunr around and draw on paper. Or you c ould do both. It really doesn't matter as Long as you do smth. WIthout Action your Motivation will not magically appear. Sadly that is jsut the way it is even wiht thigns we really want to do on some lvl.

[Mad Pharmacist]

Hello!

DAY 22:

I was super lazy today. Didn't draw, watch any tutorials, or even read a book. I just watched the rest of the 4th season of American Horror Story. 

Awhile ago, I was complaining about drawing, how I wanted to draw really well, etc. My husband told me that all I do is practice twice a week. If I really want to draw and I love it I would be drawing every single day. I also complained that I wanted to use the tablet to draw but asking questions and reading around on forums and websites, people say that it's better to start drawing traditionally first. He said that I should just do what I feel is right for myself, not what someone says. Now I'm sitting here conflicted, feeling lazy, wondering what to do. This sucks.

That's fine you're super lazy sometimes. Give yourself law to be super lazy once a week, that's not a shame. At least you're not gaming during that time

Have you ever tried this? https://pinterest.com/explore/drawing-challenge/ That's something for you to be more consistent with drawing each and every day.

Just test it out and don't tell me you don't have time for this!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

[Ashley K.]

DAY 23:

Literally feel like giving up. Been having dreams of playing games, thinking I've played only to realize I haven't.

Drawing isn't working out well. Neither is graphic design. I just feel like I'm not cut out for it even though I love it. 

I may give up.

[WorkInProgress]

My advice to you is one thing. Whatever you do keep journalling.

[Ashley K.]

My advice to you is one thing. Whatever you do keep journalling.

Why?

[WorkInProgress]

Because you can't put your thoughts away as easily as you wish if you journal. Also it helps you to reevalulate what you doing and why you are doing it. I can give you as much advice at I want, what really will change you into a better you is what you think yourself of your actions. Everything you do is your responsibility and we often tend to put this fact in a dark corner of our mind where we don't have to look at it. Journalling pulls out this truth in the light and keeps it there. Even if it hurt sometimes to evalulate yourself this is the only way how to be more content with your actions and your daily life. It is your choice and that means it is your responsibility.

Edited September 20, 2016 by WorkInProgress

[Ashley K.]

DAY 24:

1:45AM. Reading replies from WorkInProgress, Thanks btw for replying . Made me realize that a big part of this detox for me and whoever else is the mental barriers we place on ourselves. I know most of your already know this but I never really bothered to think that I had any kind of mental barriers because all I would do is say "I can't do it, what's the point? I'm just going to give up". It really is hard to step outside of your comfort zone and do things you don't normally do or things you've always wanted to do, so when you start doing it and it doesn't work out, you immediately want to give up. Right at this moment, I'm trying to get rid of those mental barriers I've place on myself. It's not easy, But what is?

 

[Cam Adair]

Made me realize that a big part of this detox for me and whoever else is the mental barriers we place on ourselves.

YEP!

[Ashley K.]

DAY 25:

When I woke up this morning, I watched one of Cam's videos. The one I watched was "Go for it!. It reminded me of when I was in my junior or senior year of high school where I really really loved art and I wanted to major in it when I went to college. My mom was all for it and knew that it was something I loved and that you could go far in it because there are so many jobs that you can get with an art major. At the time I wanted to restore paintings that you see in art museums or be a curator. Since my grandmother lived with us also and I told her about it, she didn't like the idea because she felt that majoring in art was silly and that I was going to be a starving artist and I just needed to forget about it because she wasn't going to help me if I did and I needed to major in something else like business. She was extremely adamant about it to the point where my dream was crushed.

Something else that had also happened recently. Well yesterday, I was talking to my husband about work and how he needed to get a job because the baby is coming and we needed the money. He brought up some valid points about times where I was capable of working but didn't bother to find a job. But one thing he mentioned was I could've worked at a fast food place. When he said that I told him you make little to no money after all your taxes are taken out. He said at least it was something. He said he takes jobs that he hates doing but does it because it's money. He said that I shouldn't be looking for jobs that pay a lot because there isn't even a guarantee of me getting it. This was something I didn't agree with because I felt like I was being told I couldn't do something. He probably thinks differently since its life and that's how it is. You take what you can get. I never agreed with anything like that. Taking what you can get. I feel like that mindset will never get me to where I want if I just take what I can get. When I know I can get more out of life that what it gives me.

[Ashley K.]

DAY 26:

I was so pessimistic yesterday. I still am today. I kept watching tutorials and speed drawings on YouTube only to get upset when I found out it's going to take 3-5 years, probably more to draw at a professional level. I'm feeling like learning at this point is just too late for me. I should've kept drawing when I was in high school. I should've done and finished a lot of things in high school but there's not much I can do now. 

I'm a broke, married, 27 year old mom of one and soon two kids, I live at home with my mom and grandmother, I never really worked anywhere, failed at college(s) at least 5 or 6 times, IN DIFFERENT COLLEGES. I went away to college, I fucked it up and had to come back home. Went to a community college. I just stopped going. Went to college online several times, I fucked it up every...single...time. So at this point most people would just see me as a loser if I told them everything. I'm starting to believe it. 

[Ed]

You probably should have kept drawing, but unless you find a way to go back in time there's no use in beating yourself up about it.  You can't change that, but you should learn from it. In 5 years, when you're 32 you don't want to be looking back wishing you'd kept practicing.  That's assuming it takes that long to get to a professional level.  I know very little about the art industry, but I would imagine that it would take a lot less time to get to a standard you could get paid for it.

At 27 you're still young enough to make big changes to your life, it will require action and it won't always be easy.

In the meantime start telling yourself about your good qualities.

[WorkInProgress]

DAY 26:

I was so pessimistic yesterday. I still am today. I kept watching tutorials and speed drawings on YouTube only to get upset when I found out it's going to take 3-5 years, probably more to draw at a professional level. I'm feeling like learning at this point is just too late for me. I should've kept drawing when I was in high school. I should've done and finished a lot of things in high school but there's not much I can do now. 

I'm a broke, married, 27 year old mom of one and soon two kids, I live at home with my mom and grandmother, I never really worked anywhere, failed at college(s) at least 5 or 6 times, IN DIFFERENT COLLEGES. I went away to college, I fucked it up and had to come back home. Went to a community college. I just stopped going. Went to college online several times, I fucked it up every...single...time. So at this point most people would just see me as a loser if I told them everything. I'm starting to believe it.

Two questions for you. Be honest if you answer them for yourself and do it before you read my thoughts on pain afterwards.

If you could choose to do the things you did before the gaming detox, instead of the things you did these 26 days. Would you do it? Why?

Why did you fail at things you wanted to do in the past and what can you change to do better now at similar decisions?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You missed a lot of opportunities and that sucks. You started doing something productive what you really like in the last month and now you feel the pain of change. You realise the problems your life has instead of numbing away and going with just "good enough". This is painful. This absolutely sucks.  That is the not so popular side of self improvement. You face problems and feel like a looser. And this feeling sucks. Everyone feels it their view on life changes. And if you go through it new problems and new pain will come. The problems won't stop even if you do the "right" things for every freakin day of your life. And you always have the choice: Do I face this pain and problems or do I shy back and crawl back in the little shell of comfortable habits and thought patterns I am used too.  But exactly this pain will let you grow if you manage to learn out of it. If you manage to face the pain and fight the problem you'll always feel better in the long run because every time you give up you start believing that their is something wrong with yourself. That you are the problem. But this "you" you are referring to isn't existing. There is no fixed identity. We change all the time as we learn new things and get older. A year ago "you" were different then "you" are today.

[Reno F]

I'm broke too, 34, and speak like a junior highschool student in the country I'm living in. I have a major degree, but that shit means nothing when you depend on your wife to pay the rent.

but let's work with what we have now, and let's try to leave the past in the past.

[tirEdOrange]

Don't worry about the time factor. Imagine if everyone would be able to draw great in 3 days. No one would appreciate it anymore, no one would give you the recognition for the effort that you put in it. You wanted to change 26 days ago so you can have a better future, for you and your son(s) and your future begins now. I don't have much to do with art but I believe that you can redefine yourself every single day with the actions that you do. Remember your future plans that you possibly wrote down and remember why you wanted to change your life, you can totally do it.

Many people here come from dark places, but you have to keep walking towards the light and focus it instead of wondering about your shadow that the light casts. Your shadow will always follow you no matter what, but it is nothing more than a shadow of yourself, not what you are!

By definition, the most courageous heroes are the ones, that had been the biggest cowards but still decided to go for it because it took them the most courage to make this step. So by that definition, the biggest Loser can also be the greatest Hero as long as he goes for it. You just have to decide to be a hero and not a victim of your fears.

 

[Cam Adair]

3-5 years happens one day at a time. Don't be attached to the time it takes, just be present and focus on today.

[Mad Pharmacist]

DAY 26:

I was so pessimistic yesterday. I still am today. I kept watching tutorials and speed drawings on YouTube only to get upset when I found out it's going to take 3-5 years, probably more to draw at a professional level. I'm feeling like learning at this point is just too late for me. I should've kept drawing when I was in high school. I should've done and finished a lot of things in high school but there's not much I can do now. 

I'm a broke, married, 27 year old mom of one and soon two kids, I live at home with my mom and grandmother, I never really worked anywhere, failed at college(s) at least 5 or 6 times, IN DIFFERENT COLLEGES. I went away to college, I fucked it up and had to come back home. Went to a community college. I just stopped going. Went to college online several times, I fucked it up every...single...time. So at this point most people would just see me as a loser if I told them everything. I'm starting to believe it. 

Hey, hold on a bit!

Why do you give up, when you're still seriosuly young and have so many perspectives?

I felt in the same way too, or even worse, because during neurosis and phobia attacks I felt in random moments that I'm gonna die from suffocation or heart attack.

I felt like a loser and I thought I won't be able to live normal live.

That was the reason of my last relapse couple of months ago, but from not I don't think like that anymore!

What I did?

I just wrote here: http://750words.com/

And that's it.

Daily.

Just try this out!

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist 

[Ashley K.]

DAY 27:

The responses I got yesterday after what I was feeling was uplifting. Thanks everyone. I also read this article last night that helped also. Im reading it again to remind me why I should push through and just do it.

http://elitedaily.com/envision/want-to-be-an-artist-heres-why-you-should-forget-about-art-school/

 

 

Edited September 24, 2016 by Ashley K.

[Piotr]

The biggest lie I often hear from older than me people is: it's too late for me/I'm too old.
Seriously you belive in this shit? That's a fucking lie, cause you can improve your life at any of it's moments! Read Slight Edge if you haven't already and start with a one drawing a day, this way, in five years from now, you will muster your skill. Just go for it!

[Ashley K.]

DAY 30:

I can't believe it's been a month already since I quit. Its been a struggle for me since I've never really stuck with something for this long that wasn't gaming. 

Im still struggling at the moment to do what I want to do. I feel like it has gotten easier to not be triggered by video games, but I can't seem to get myself to draw. I think its the work that I have to put into actually physically picking up a pencil and paper and just drawing whatever. I get discouraged by other people's artwork that I see. I would say to myself  "Why do it? I would love to make money off of what I love to do and enjoy it but, Why? There are already talented artists out there. What difference will I make?". So yes, I struggle with taking action. I'm sorry to anyone who is probably getting frustrated reading my posts and Im not trying to take action to do anything.

[Cam Adair]

DAY 30:

I can't believe it's been a month already since I quit. Its been a struggle for me since I've never really stuck with something for this long that wasn't gaming. 

Way to go!

[Ashley K.]

DAY 32:

I sketched a bit on the tablet a couple of hours ago. It was a struggle since Im a beginner. I have a couple of reference sketches I did on Autodesk Sketchbook. I traced over the hands so I can get an idea of how to draw them in different poses. At one point I would turn off the layer with the hand reference so I could see if I could try and do it from memory. It almost came out accurate.

[Piotr]

Great sketch! Keep posting them!

[Reno F]

Nice drawings there! Keep them coming.

On a side note, there are also a lot of people making music, but that doesn't keep new musicians to try their luck on the business.

[lilX]

DAY 26:

I was so pessimistic yesterday. I still am today. I kept watching tutorials and speed drawings on YouTube only to get upset when I found out it's going to take 3-5 years, probably more to draw at a professional level. I'm feeling like learning at this point is just too late for me. I should've kept drawing when I was in high school. I should've done and finished a lot of things in high school but there's not much I can do now. 

I'm a broke, married, 27 year old mom of one and soon two kids, I live at home with my mom and grandmother, I never really worked anywhere, failed at college(s) at least 5 or 6 times, IN DIFFERENT COLLEGES. I went away to college, I fucked it up and had to come back home. Went to a community college. I just stopped going. Went to college online several times, I fucked it up every...single...time. So at this point most people would just see me as a loser if I told them everything. I'm starting to believe it. 

You have a husband and a kid. You wanted to quit playing games and you quit for over a month now. You strike me as a very motivated person. 

When are you expecting your second kid?