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KoyoteIcarus

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Howdy everyone,

I'm Koyote Icarus and I'm a fellow game addict trying to sort themselves and their life out. I'm 25 years old and basically, video gaming has taken over a lot of my life especially in the past few years. I started when I was around 8 maybe, with the Nintendo 64 and Super Mario 64 and now here I am on Steam with over 600 games on it alone, sigh. I ironically back then wished I didn't keep missing out on playing so many games due to the prices of console games and also needing money to upgrade to newer consoles like the Gamecube as well as buying the handheld ones like Gameboy Advance for instance. I remember having to trade in beloved games and scrounge around money as desperately as I could to buy these games, but it actually added value to them, regrets too especially on games I didn't like.

But eventually, I got fed up of it especially how Nintendo seemed to lack a lot of third party games, to this day even. I eventually got into in PC gaming and discovered the endless pit of video gaming that is Steam, hoo boy. Long story short, I got hooked on Steam and the rest is history, but I got hooked mainly due a lot of huge difficulties and upsets in my life around the time and it was the perfect escape from them I guess. I remember at the time, I was staying up at night playing online games especially Team Fortress 2 all night long and for sessions of around 6-8 hours at least non-stop. I stopped enjoying gaming for what it was, started taking it too seriously and its difficult to describe what was going in my head and what was going on and so on, but it was definitely torment and chaos to some degree at least.

It doesn't help Steam has evolved and expanded so much, with so many huge and frequent discounts and sales all the time now, It's the opposite of my situation with console gaming, I have all the games I could want and many, many more but never enough time and energy to play them. Ironically, I would stick to online multiplayer games to 'appease' my 'friends' and I eventually rew afraid of gaming alone and being alone in general. I couldn't even play online by myself and I developed serious anger issues, that frighten me back now looking back at them, never mind my family and former friends who saw me unleash some of the worst parts of myself, like a monster hidden inside of me this whole time.

I recently discovered Game Quitters thanks to a subreddit on Reddit called Stop Gaming and I saw Game Quitters mentioned on there and checked out the Youtube channel from there. I was impressed by what I saw in the videos, it really spoke to and was relative for me, like it just completely woke me up from the years of self-denial and self-destructive behaviour I've been doing and made me realise what had happened and was happening truly. I've been talking to Cam on there and he's been so responsive, friendly, honest and kind. I've also seen him interacting with many, many other people in comments on his videos especially the TedXTalks ones and I was even more impressed by far.

There's plenty more I could say, but for now I have to say I really appreciate that causes like these exist and I'm not alone in dealing with this. I have friends in similar and more extreme situations regarding video game addictions particularly, my friendships with most of them have run almost as dry as a desert at least in all honesty, I still have some 'close friends' but I'm more of a loner now than I ever have been. I based my nickname of one of my favourite characters called Coyote Starrk who's from an anime called Bleach and his man character theme was loneliness and that's what he represented specificially in the series. He was part of a group of super strong villains who each represented an aspect of death basically. The Icarus part comes from my favourite Dota 2 hero (Icarus the Phoenix) but also the mythology of Icarus, Deus Ex:Human Revolution and also 3 very, very different to one another but amazing songs that I know.

But yeah, speaking of Dota 2, that game has one of the most toxic communities and is one of most addictive and competitive out there by far. It literally takes hundreds of hours to learn and get into, thousands more to get good at least. I thought I regretted what happened with Team Fortress 2 enough for one lifetime, apparently not as I repeated history with Dota 2 and it was much worse this time round, I'm still recovering from trying to quit it permanently now with almost 4000 hours in it at least! So many hours of my life gone and wasted in the most toxic enviroment I've ever known personally, sigh. It's also far easier to make teammates suffer than in League of Legends and those 2 games have a toxic history between themselves too.
I did see someone mention Dota 2 and the N64 whilst looking through some Introduction threads on here so I'll probably go and say hi to them too :).


Just to finish up anyway, apologise for the lengthy post but I don't do short and simple easily, ironic given my stature and personality but when I get typing, I can suddenly talk so much more. Hope I can settle on here nicely anyhow, it seems like a good community and it would be nice to get to know people in similar situations to myself and see how they're coping and how their lives are being affected and so on. If there's anyway I can help, I'll try to too. I still have a lot of issues despite my groups I'm with helping me so much, but I'm a drastic improvement compared to how I was a few years ago, even now it feels like a nightmare that actually happened, yet at the same time its hard to believe its real, that it did happen.

Thanks for letting me join anyhow and once again, another thank you to Cam for being so great so far :).

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Thanks for joining us! I truly hope that your journey in game quitting is everything you want it to be! I remember having an intense fear of being alone years ago. One part of me desperately wanted to hide from the world and the other desperately wanted a deep connection.

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Thanks for the welcome! Oh yes, I can definitely relate to that. It's like we want to be alone but we don't want to be lonely?

Thank you for reading my post too and responding so kindly, I shall look forward to meeting everyone and getting to know you all. I was a bit shy about posting more the other day, but I think I will start gradually opening up again and talking a lot more like I used to back in the day,

I have some big dreams I'm been too afraid to pursue to be honest, I've felt miserable as a consequence of the fear. A lot of people tend to like to stick to their comfort zones and never really be the people who they're meant and want to be. I've seen some amazing and beautiful things in this world, most of it online but some of it in person and I've let myself 'forget' or just not truly appreciate them. I've had some wonderful experiences in my time that may not mean much to some others but they certainly did to me.

How do you feel now in comparison if you don't mind me asking by the way? I think in the right company, loneliness isn't an issue, it may be easier to be alone at first but over time, I think everyone succumbs to loneliness regardless, no matter how hard we try. We may need our own space and freedom but we're not meant to be truly, completely alone at all in my opinion.

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I've lurked on a few forums over the years because I never liked getting criticized just for being curious and not an "expert" with my opinions. This place is much different than that. I try to give the best advice I can to people who ask, but I also know that it may not help. I welcome people telling me if something isn't helpful for them because it helps me to challenge my preconceptions and be more thoughtful when I speak to others. A great read about this is "Daring Greatly by Brenee Brown. Cam, if you're reading this, thank you so much for the thoughtful and extremely helpful book suggestions since I've been here! I'm doing my best to pay the great advice I got from you forward!

I feel really good! I am by my nature slightly introverted. All this means is that I need to return to my comfort zone of solitude on a regular basis to recharge myself. It's definitely easier to be alone at any time for me. However, this easy choice doesn't make me any happier.

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All this means is that I need to return to my comfort zone of solitude on a regular basis to recharge myself.

Wow! That's really cool point of view!

KoyoteIcarus, it's nice to see your journal here! I can definitely relate to many things things you wrote.

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@Wookieshark88 I can definitely relate to that, I've been afraid of opening up online due to potential criticism and 'trolling' from others more than anything. And yeah, thats a good point actually, constructive criticism can be a great thing in the long run especially I think. So long as its actually constructive of course.

Thats awesome to hear! Always nice to see some hope especially in situations I can relate to naturally, I suppose it's like they say, step out of your comfort zone but maybe balance it so you don't over-exert yourself as you said? Step out of the boundaries but never stray too far, especially to begin with?

@SpiNips Thank you very much, I related to some other posts on here quite strongly too, I must have seen yours too and I'll have a check just in case to make sure :). I don't know if i have that much to say without involving myself so much but I definitely will make an effort to converse more on here gradually. I used to post on forums a lot a long time ago, it used to be a bit addictive for me actually. Even tried to run my own one whilst being completely clueless on how to run them and what not :p. Always had a thing for them, but for the past few years, definitely been much more of a lurker than ever before.

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Hi Koyote Icarus, and welcome to the forum! You came to the right place to let off some Steam :)

The Icarus part comes from [...] also 3 very, very different to one another but amazing songs that I know.

Yngwie Malmsteen - Icarus' Dream Suite Op.4?

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The thing with trolls is that they just sit there and poke fun at people who are living, succeeding, and failing. They're not doing any of those things so they feel the need to tear down those who are. They're a bunch of fucking losers (until they start living, succeeding, and failing like you and I, in which case they cease to be losers).

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Hi Koyote Icarus, and welcome to the forum! You came to the right place to let off some Steam :)

Yngwie Malmsteen - Icarus' Dream Suite Op.4?

?Let off some 'Steam'? Oh I see what you did there, well played! Haha! That is actually quite applicable and even necessary actually and will help let off some steam as a result too, that's made me laugh and impressed me haha.


I have thought about going cold turkey with video gaming and realistically, I don't think I can yet. Not without actually finding decent alternatives to it. I used to exercise a lot, so I'm thinking of trying to set up a routine for myself everyday including involving time for exercising and sticking to it. I'm not used to routine so it will be difficult at first, but it would be for the better in the long run I believe. If I start off gradually like I used to, like 15 minutes a day everyday at least, I can ease myself into it and then escalate it to 30, 45 and finally even 60 minutes a day like I used to. Granted though, I was doing this via Wii Fit, not a gym but I still felt a lot healthier and fitter than I do now, more in shape definitely.

I haven't actually heard of that to be honest, but I just started listening to that now and...wow! That intro is haunting and intense, later on in the song, it sounds like Iron Maiden's music to some degree in some parts of it but has that epic orchestral style sound to it in places as well. I've always been a 'casual'/'noob' when it comes to a lot of things including music but part of that is intentional at least, as I've tried to embrace as many things possible in my lifetime, rather than fixating on one or a few thing/s. Definitely liking it, definitely the kind of music I'd like to listen to in the background whilst doing something else or even just sitting and relaxing whilst listening to it. There's a fair bit of variety throughout the song, I do appreciate music like that even though it's 'easier' to listen to repetitive music, but music like that is the 'fast food' of the music industry really.


Thank you for posting that song, I genuinely really like it and will be buying it it to add to my newly refined collection! I've actually been meaning to ask some questions in regards to music on here, think that's going help further motivate me to do so now :P. I have genuinely toyed with the idea of getting involved with the music industry years now and regretted not going down the audio and video pathway of university to look into doing music as well as not studying music instead at the college I went to after university..

The songs I meant when referring to my nickname actually are:
Ivan Torrent - Icarus (Absolutely love this song)
Iron Maiden - Flight Of Icarus
Deus Ex: Human Revolution Soundtrack - Icarus (This game seemed to be inspired by Icarus mythology a lot, I love this game to be honest, definitely a favourite of mine.)

I did forget there was a 4th song actually which is:

Bastille - Icarus.

I think another one of my favourite games (Mirrors' Edge) also was inspired by Icarus mythology? For my college course, I created a ' spiritual successor' to it with angels and demons and involved the mythology of Icarus somewhat. I designed it in the random hope that it would 'inspire/provoke' a sequel to Mirror's Edge eventually somehow amongst other reason and it seems to have 'helped' recently :P.

Great to have you join us here! :)

?Thank you Cam, it's a pleasure to be here and I'm honoured to be welcomed so kindly! I'm definitely warming up to being on here :).

The thing with trolls is that they just sit there and poke fun at people who are living, succeeding, and failing. They're not doing any of those things so they feel the need to tear down those who are. They're a bunch of fucking losers (until they start living, succeeding, and failing like you and I, in which case they cease to be losers).

?Oh yes, thats a really good point! I've heard they're generally miserable, lonely and hate-filled, bitter people who can't and won't sort themselves out so they try to make others suffer too and ruin their happiness, so they're suffering and miserable as they are. I think I just echoed what you said there at least but I definitely agree. It's like 'wallowing in self-pity' but taking it out on others particularly?

When I look back, I can't believe what I was going through and that I got through it. What I call the 'true gaming addiction' only happened 5 years ago when I had to drop out of university due to severe mental health problems at the time , which I still hold some regrets about at least and that's when I turned to video games as 'treatment' for the overwhelming anxiety, stress and depression I felt at the time. I managed to control myself again when I got into my college degree later that year and went into 'my prime' as it was a video gaming course but that too went downhill bigtime eventually to cut a long story short.

Just to wrap up though, I would like to still be a gamer, but I've though about keeping it 'very casual'. I know for some people at least, it's not an option at all but I feel like it would be a great challenge for me in regards to self control especially and it makes a compromise between cutting down on gaming and my desire to still play and enjoy the 'right kind of games' particularly. I got too involved with these addictive MMO type games as well as other 'dangerous genres' especially 'Loot' type games which are really bad too in my opinion. I'd still like to strictly only play short, single player type games from now on. DOTA 2 is a game that goes on forever as you're always playing random, lengthy competitve matches like an 'online sport', which is what it's actually at least recently getting recognised as (E-Sports).

Does anyone think this could be viable under strict moderation of course? Or should I consider going cold turkey after all? I do worry about relapsing and re-enabling the full addiction, but I would like not to fear it ideally. I think my addiction to gaming has made it difficult for me to truly get into anything else and enjoy it due to how gaming is the number one resource for instant gratification basically, hence giving it up may be the only true option to sorting my self out. I haven't been able to find anything else to replace gaming lately but I think the irony is, due to my addiction in the first place, it could be making me more hesitant, more anxious about trying new things and other activities in general. I do have other personal reasons to being anxious about certain and new activities but not sure if I can talk about it 'safely' online to be honest.

Edited by KoyoteIcarus
Forgot to add some links in.

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Does anyone think this could be viable under strict moderation of course? Or should I consider going cold turkey after all?

?I see nothing wrong with gaming in moderation. But chances are, if you're on the GameQuitters forum you're probably not someone who plays games in moderation. I know I'm not.

If you were to be completely honest with yourself, do you think you could keep gaming in moderation? Or do you think it will end in an infinite series of "I'll just play one more game"?

In regards to not being able to find anything to replace gaming with, I'd encourage you to get Cam's 60 Hobby Ideas e-book. Pick one activity and try it out. It doesn't have to be anything you find challenging. You don't have to make any commitment to doing it regularly. Just once to try out something new.

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Yeah thats a very good point, I definitely have an addiction to gaming as well as some other things. Realistically, I've thought a lot about playing in moderation recently and I've experimented with the games that I feel 'affect me the worst' and I don't think I can really do moderation yet. I think it's possible with strict boundaries/self-discipline, I lack self-control which is an issue I need to work on, hence I might need to take a break from gaming completely even, to 'reset' myself to being a lot closer to 'normal' at least. As in more natural levels of dopamine and more self-control amongst other things.

I definitely have succumbed to the 'one more level/mission/try etc' problem before, although it's probably more times than I can or would like to remember. When you put it like that, it does make it very hard not to notice the issues with my gaming habit. As it is, I should have been in bed hours ago. I have shown some improvements in my behaviour lately but I feel like I'm relapsing/slipping already.

I'd like to play though short, easy to beat, single player games but I'm worried as Cam said I think, they might become a stepping stone towards becoming addicted again specially by getting back into addictive games like MOBAs, Loot based and Musou type games. Those types of games have hounded me for years now with how addictive and even endless they can be (pretty much literally with MOBAs). II've been avoiding playing huge single player RPG games anymore like The Witcher, Elder Scrolls series, Fallout series and Kingdoms of Amalur for these reasons too. I doubt I could just 'play the story only' in them without a lot of self-control at least. I remember collecting everything in them like a digital hoarder, hoarding is a issue that has affected me a lot.

I've determined from this week onwards, I'm going to put a more effective plan in motion. I'm going to try to cook lunch and dinner at the same time too everyday, keep up feeding the birds that visit me at a consistent time of the day too, go to bed also at a consistent, reasonable time and thus ensure I get plenty of sleep and also aim to try to go out as often as possible. Might be a lot to juggle including getting into a new hobby too, but I'm sure I'm more than capable and I need to sort myself and my life out already. I have to make the effort to recover from my problems after all, can't expect them to 'go away' or 'sort themselves out'.

I really like that idea you mentioned at the end, I will look into that definitely tomorrow (or later today you could say), I'm going to write a list of the things I just mentioned on a note in front of my computer on my desk to make sure I remember to do them and thus actually put it into action. The end of this year is coming soon and I'd really like to make more drastic improvements to my lifestyle and circumstances by the time the New Year rolls around. I'm gonna start journaling on here too like I've been meaning to as well.

Thank you anyway, you've helped me out here and also thanks again to everyone else as well as you of course for your friendless, kindess and being supportive towards me. I'm going to be buying Respawn soon and looking into that, possibly picking up Challenge as well in the future.

Edited by KoyoteIcarus
Forgot to mention something.

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Hello!

For example doing 90 days game free can be an useful experience. You'll get some perspective what living without gaming is like. After all you can always decide to try moderation or go back to gaming if you find them better! 90 is quite a time but I'm sure that you can do it.

For me quitting cold turkey was quite a rough experience. Pretty much did nothing stayed home watched videos and started to get a little depressed, but I wouldn't undo it even if I could, since it taught me so much. Experience is a rough teacher, but in the same time probably one of if not the Best.

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Howdy again SpiNips :),

Yes, that does make sense . I don't know how I'm going to manage it so early on but from today, I'm quitting gaming, I've woken up in such a rough. lethargic state and way later than I was meant to wake up as well! And I know who or what the main culprit is, which I enabled and thus paying the price for now. The freaky, indecisive weather over here isn't helping especially with my difficulties dealing with random changes in weather and the cold especially but ultiamtely, it's because I let myself do some gaming that I'm suffering now.

There's a lot of stuff I've been meaning to rewatch actually. I think I will avoid anime except possibly Gin Tama but even so, I've been meaning to rewatch Whose Line Is It Anyway? clips on Youtube as they used to help me cope with my depression a lot and I'd like to watch more factual/documentary type shows especially. I want to start educating myself again ideally, but also allowing myself some kind of 'controlled/rational' treats in the forms of comedy shows or something.

Ideally of course, I need to try and take up other hobbies in the long run especially. I'll try have a look into it today but if not, I'm going to try make sure I do at least after my volunteering tomorrow. What you said about quitting is what I also fear about it but I can definitely understand about learning from the pain, it's how we grow after all? I don't think learning is meant to be easy and painless but it's invaluable and rewarding, life-changing even.

You've helped motivate me anyway, thank you very much along with thank you for all the kindess, friendliness and support and what not too so far :). I do genuinely appreciate how I've been received and treated on here, the help I'm being offered too. This community seems to be a great one at least B|.

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