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kortheo

My Journal - Travis

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Day 149

I have decided to start working with Cam on a one-on-one basis. It's convenient since he just moved to the same area. Also, the timing is just right.

At first I was resistant to the idea, because it smacked of "life coaching", which Cam agreed sounds rather silly, or just has a bad reputation. But whatever it is, it became clear after a couple of conversations with him how he would be able to help me clarify my goals and work through some negative or counter-productive mindsets that I have. I know I'm on the right path and would probably get to where I need to go eventually, but I'm pretty sure this will help me get there faster. 

We have an arrangement to work together for the next 3 months. I'm actively working to make the best of this time to invest in myself. Cam has demonstrated that he's effective at helping me thus far quit gaming, and he's given me reason to believe he can help me with other areas of my life, too. I'm grateful for the opportunity to pick his brain and get a very different perspective than the one I currently have. I'm sure future posts will contain elements of this process as I go along and think on a lot of things that I'm currently dealing with.

Have a great day everyone!

Edited by kortheo
'thing' is not a verb

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Day 150

Because humans like round numbers, this day feels like a milestone. Sort of, anyway.

Last night was relaxing. I spent 3 hours reading various books, made myself salad and fruit for dinner, and just generally allowed myself to relax a bit. I felt grounded. I emphasized eating fruit/vegetables last night because I realized that I haven't been getting enough of them. Now that nearly all the food I eat I prepare myself, I'm much more aware of what I'm actually eating, which is a nice change. I'm hoping that more fruit/veg will lead to better intake of micronutrients and that will lead to better cognitive performance - I've felt a little mentally foggy lately.

I'm currently working through this book for anxiety, and it's helping me a lot. It breaks down the anatomy of anxiety in helpful ways. For example, anxiety is a combination of overestimating risk of something bad happening and overestimating the severity of that bad thing if it were to happen. This leads to people feeling like something bad will happen, and that they won't be able to handle the bad thing because it will be so severe - making you feel helpless. Challenging each step of this equation is helpful to dismantling anxiety.

I'm grateful for this community because of all the people here committed to bettering themselves. By contrast I'm realizing I have relatively few people in my real life with that mindset.

Have a great day, everyone.

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Day 150

Because humans like round numbers, this day feels like a milestone. Sort of, anyway.

Yay!

I'm grateful for this community because of all the people here committed to bettering themselves. By contrast I'm realizing I have relatively few people in my real life with that mindset.

I echo your sentiment. Why do you think that not many people are trying to improve themselves? Can it be that it's just not a topic that comes up in conversations? Somehow this forum lets us skip the whole getting acquainted and building trust part that comes before talking about personal stuff.

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Day 151

@Tom

I echo your sentiment. Why do you think that not many people are trying to improve themselves? Can it be that it's just not a topic that comes up in conversations? Somehow this forum lets us skip the whole getting acquainted and building trust part that comes before talking about personal stuff.

This is an interesting question, and I don't know that I know the answer. I suspect on some level that it's just because working on yourself can be hard. It requires admitting to yourself that you're not all that you want to be, which for some people might feel like weakness. Or, even if you admit it to yourself, you might not feel comfortable admitting it to others, because it requires a certain amount of vulnerability.

I'm going to write a short entry today. My RSI symptoms are acting up; too much computer time for me, so I'm going to be kind to myself and not overdo it today.

I have my first formal session with Cam later today. Looking forward to it.

This has been a crazy week and I have a lot spinning in my head. It's raining here, which is refreshing. I have some sort of mild cold virus. I kind of wish I had stayed in bed this morning and sipped tea and read a book. But this is 'Murica, where we go to work.

I'm grateful for the camaraderie that I feel in my trivia group. Last night I felt like I knew the most people in the group out of anyone, and I got a lot of social interaction. That is pretty rare for me.

Have a great day everyone!

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Day 152

Last night I met up with Cam for our first real session. We talked about a lot of things - career, goals, location, 'thinking bigger', mental obstacles holding me back, perspective, awareness, embodiment, peeling back layers of problems, living in line with your values, "conscious" living, productivity, and - perhaps most importantly - how to get started.

i am naturally skeptical, as many gamers are. I still have certain reservations about what this path may bring - but actually, not as many as expected. I will be asking a lot of questions along the way, to be sure. But at a high level I think what I will gain from working with Cam is a shift in mindset. Ultimately if I'm not getting what I want out of life, I don't think that what's holding me back is a matter of intelligence or really even skill - it's limited beliefs about what I'm capable of and what I'm 'allowed' to do, all of which work to keep me where I am. Cam certainly seems to have a more adaptive mindset w/r/t these things, and the ability to teach them. So that's largely what I'm here for. But also guidance and accountability.

Today I'm going to update my resume. I guess I should get started.

Have a good day, everyone.

 

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Ultimately if I'm not getting what I want out of life, I don't think that what's holding me back is a matter of intelligence or really even skill - it's limited beliefs about what I'm capable of and what I'm 'allowed' to do, all of which work to keep me where I am.

This. :)

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Day 153

To be honest I don't feel like writing this today. But it's actually because I want to get my resume written, so I'd prefer to focus on that. Which is a good thing!

I had a great day yesterday. I got started on my resume, but also took some time to appreciate the beautiful weather, and spent a decent chunk of time actually focusing on giving back to friends, which is a nice change of pace. I mailed a care package to a friend who's in a bad place right now, and sent an email to another friend with some information on an author I think she would like.

I haven't been the best about sticking to all my habits lately. It's easy to feel like they aren't relevant anymore. But maybe it's because they don't challenge me enough. Maybe I need to mix them up (e.g. the same bodyweight routine I've done for months is no longer challenging or interesting). Nonetheless, I'd like to think I'm just shifting my focus to things that matter more to me right now.

I found a resume guide for sysadmin resumes, so I'm going to go read that!

Have a great day everyone! Don't play games! I'm watching you.

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I haven't been the best about sticking to all my habits lately. It's easy to feel like they aren't relevant anymore. But maybe it's because they don't challenge me enough. Maybe I need to mix them up (e.g. the same bodyweight routine I've done for months is no longer challenging or interesting). Nonetheless, I'd like to think I'm just shifting my focus to things that matter more to me right now.

Great example as it might really explain your situation. Your body has adapted to your same old bodyweight routine and you do need to modify it, either by working out longer (meh) or by making the same exercises harder (yay). Thing weighted pull-ups, diamond push-ups, and so on.

Same with everything else. Keep it challenging or you'll get bored and drop out.

I found a resume guide for sysadmin resumes, so I'm going to go read that!

Do you want to be a sysadmin? It's a very cool job indeed. Consider that you might have to work shifts and be available for emergencies.

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I found a resume guide for sysadmin resumes, so I'm going to go read that!

Do you want to be a sysadmin? It's a very cool job indeed. Consider that you might have to work shifts and be available for emergencies.

I already am a sysadmin B| Indeed, it has its pros and cons.

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Day 154

it's a sunny and beautiful day today. I'm sipping matcha green tea. A cute barista just enthusiastically brought me hot sauce for my breakfast. All is right with the world.

I hung out with friends last night and for the first time in a while I felt like I was able to relax and just really be myself unapologetically, good and bad. I wonder if it's because I had a day that I felt good about - I felt like I made progress in all the areas of my life that matter right now. I made good progress on updating my resume, and I spent a good chunk of time working on learning new IT skills. I also dedicated time to reading a book that I want to finish. It felt like I'm spending my time on things that matter. Yesterday, Cam and I talked about how living up to your potential doesn't require that you are at the finish line - you can feel like you're fulfilled if you're doing your best to work towards your potential on a daily basis.

Anyway, when I was with friends, I didn't feel like I had to hold back my thoughts, even if I worried they might be disagreed with or unpopular. Usually, at least with this group, I do feel that way. One of my friend's neighbors came by because he was having a technical problem he couldn't fix and I figured it out for him, which was fun, and he and his roommates seemed cool. We watched various shows/videos online and just hung out and had a good time. Later in the night I determined that I needed to buy a blender and spent like an hour pouring over surprisingly funny Amazon blender reviews. Which was actually great, odd as it sounds haha. (The Verdit: http://www.amazon.com/Ninja-Master-Prep-Professional-QB1004/dp/B004XK4N9C/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1456080899&sr=8-2&keywords=ninja+blender+pro) - it beats out $500+ blenders on Consumer Reports ratings. So many smoothies in my future).

Today is my sister's birthday, so I'm going to go celebrate that with my family later. I'm hoping to make more resume progress and IT learning progress today. And try to just be present and enjoy it.

Have a good day everyone!

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Day 155

This is possibly the latest in the day I've ever done my entry!

I stayed home from work today; I didn't sleep well and just felt exhausted. It was a good choice.

I went grocery shopping, and made 3 meals and smoothies! I'll have food for the week now.

I ordered a matcha starting kit - matcha powder, whisk, bowl, spoon. Stoked. I love matcha.

I'm reading a book on the American Constitution and listening to a new podcast called Presidential that, leading up to the election, cover the history of one president each week. Getting my history fix! It is fascinating.

Made incremental progress on my resume. Also, napping is great.

Not much human interaction though, so feeling a little lonely tonight. Such is life! It is normal to feel lonely sometimes.

Have a good night, everyone.

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Day 156

Still feeling a little sick and tired today, but I made it in to work. I've been struggling with my morning routine lately but I did do it all this morning. 5 Minute Journal, 7 Minute exercise app, and 5 minute meditation.  Sounds simple, and it is really, but sometimes hard when you don't want to get out of bed at all. I think I need to work on exercising more regularly though, and also eating more nutrient-dense foods. I'm making good progress on the food front at least.

Work seems like it should be relatively mellow this week, which is good. I'm going to an IT workshop at lunch today, which I'm looking forward to.

I'm trying to have more empathy for myself and for others. I'm also becoming better at checking in with my emotions and noticing my anxiety, even when it's low-level.

Gratitude

  1. Feeling a little less tired today.
  2. Getting better at catching anxiety.
  3. Progress one day at a time.
  4. Remembering my dreams.
  5. Eating better.

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Day 157

Recommitting to my morning routine. Not easy at first, but important and valuable. I switched to an upper body routine that targets my stiffest muscles that are static during the workday, and I see a lot more value in it. Mobilizing and strengthening these muscles will make me feel better throughout the day. Recommitting to daily meditation is also huge, even if it's just 5-10 minutes a day. It's the sort of thing that the benefits both build and fade gradually with in my experience, so it can take a few days to feel the full benefit, and also a few days before you realize what you're missing... this can make it tempting to skip a day here or there sometimes.

I am changing a lot of my goals. I'll go over it in fully depth at the end of the month, but many of the goals I set out at the beginning of the year were artificial and didn't work in practice. I'm not giving up, just framing them differently. As an example, rather than aiming to read X number books per year, I'm going to focus on the habit of reading every day. This makes it easier to feel like I'm succeeding, and takes the stress off whether I'm reading enough or not, while still building a habit that makes me read things I care about. Also, it removes the emphasis on just the number, which isn't that important in the grand scheme - some books are long, some are short. Is it better to read 2 short books instead of one long book? Not really, it's totally context dependent, etc. The goals we set will structure our behavior, so we need to be conscious about setting goals that structure the behavior that we want out of ourselves.

Gratitude

  1. Lunch with a co-worker later today.
  2. My new blender, which is providing an easy way for me to consume fruits and veggies.
  3. Progress on my resume, and being in flow state while working on it.
  4. Recognizing my anxiety and relaxing.
  5. Taking a day for myself.

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I am changing a lot of my goals. I'll go over it in fully depth at the end of the month, but many of the goals I set out at the beginning of the year were artificial and didn't work in practice. I'm not giving up, just framing them differently. As an example, rather than aiming to read X number books per year, I'm going to focus on the habit of reading every day. This makes it easier to feel like I'm succeeding, and takes the stress off whether I'm reading enough or not, while still building a habit that makes me read things I care about. Also, it removes the emphasis on just the number, which isn't that important in the grand scheme - some books are long, some are short. Is it better to read 2 short books instead of one long book? Not really, it's totally context dependent, etc. The goals we set will structure our behavior, so we need to be conscious about setting goals that structure the behavior that we want out of ourselves.

Hi Travis,

read today an awesome article on goals vs habbits(http://markmanson.net/goals). Check it out if you have some time for it.

greetings Mario

Edited by WorkInProgress

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Day 158

Yesterday I received the matcha kit I ordered. Contents: 30g premium quality matcha, stainless steel teaspoon, clear glass drinking cup, matcha whisk. This was my first real introduction to it - and it was actually really awesome. I've always loved green tea, so this was like a step to the next level. If you're unfamiliar, matcha is a specially grown green tea leaf milled into a powder - so you are basically consuming most of the components of the leaf. It has a higher caffeine content and significantly higher micronutrient content than your standard tea, and the drink ends be up being a much richer color. It's also not as intense as coffee, which has never really worked for me; always makes me feel kind of sick. I probably can't express this in a way that will convey the experience, but it really brought me into the moment in a powerful way. There is a ritual surrounding matcha, I guess, and I can see why. Something about the preparation needs to be so deliberate - measure the powder, break up the powder into a fine consistency, prepare 180 degree water, mix and whisk until it froths. The color, taste, clear glass, smell, and properties of the tea all together really just made me forget everything else and become very mindfully present. Suddenly all I cared about was watching trees blow in the wind and listen to the birds. I know this sounds probably fluffy and dramatic, but I'm not exaggerating at all, it was actually quite profound for me. I could see this becoming a daily ritual.

I'm feeling overwhelmed at work. I have a meeting to talk to my boss today, so maybe some of my overwhelm will be addressed there. I guess I won't say too much about it, but I am beginning to give myself more credit in some ways. I do a lot of work, a lot more than I would probably have to do for equivalent pay elsewhere. It's not fair to me. Etc Etc. Continuing to think about other options.

Gratitude

  1. Feeling present.
  2. Rediscovering my morning routine.
  3. Getting thoughts organized on paper.
  4. Matcha.
  5. Learning new things every day.

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Day 159

Met with Cam for the second time last night. It's kind of crazy that it's only been a week since the last meeting; it felt much longer. We talked about a lot of things. The process has motivated me to get a new resume written, and now I have that, just some final tweaks to make to it. Next, I'm going to start looking for jobs or finding companies that I might want to work for, and learning about new areas in tech that I might be interested in working in.

We talked about how usually the things that hold us back in life are emotional barriers rather than more practical limitations, and so how learning to recognize these obstacles, acknowledging that working on them will be uncomfortable, and then working through them one step at a time is the way to go. This avoids getting overwhelmed by the bigger picture of what your path is, or thinking that your life is supposed to be comfortable all the time. This whole process is an emotional journey, and like life itself, it's more about the journey than the destination - the goal is to work through those emotional barriers; doing this, engaging with your weak areas in this way and challenging yourself, this is how you grow and get to a place where you can really decide for yourself what you want, rather than sticking with what you have simply because it's easy.

I learned to not put too much weight in what others say about me or my current situation, since they're often projecting their own issues onto it. And that I need to have confidence in myself. And that I want to learn to accept discomfort in the moment. Finally, we talked about standards and boundaries - which affect how you treat yourself and how you allow others to treat you. Standards are about what you choose to do with your time. If you're at gamequitters, a new standard you're making for yourself is that your time is too valuable to waste it playing video games all day. A boundary is what you won't accept from others, such as them wasting your time or treating you unfairly or unreasonably. If you enforce both standards and boundaries in life, you'll go a long way to creating a life where you respect yourself and others respect you, and where you spend your time well.

I have a long week to think about these things and integrate them as much as I can. Have a great day, everyone.

Gratitude

  1. Friday.
  2. Election podcast.
  3. IT workshop today.
  4. Writing.
  5. Classical music.

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You basically need to carry yourself like you're an extremely beautiful woman. No time to deal with losers and people who just waste your energy. Bitch shields activated and carry on. Perhaps bitch shields isn't the correct term since I've noticed beautiful women tend to be a lot kinder with their rejections. When she tells you no, and you just want to thank her.

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You basically need to carry yourself like you're an extremely beautiful woman. No time to deal with losers and people who just waste your energy. Bitch shields activated and carry on. Perhaps bitch shields isn't the correct term since I've noticed beautiful women tend to be a lot kinder with their rejections. When she tells you no, and you just want to thank her.

I guess from my perspective it's just called being confident and self-assured. Haha. But I'll think on this.

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Day 160

One of the most absurd things I've heard from gamers after quitting is "What did you replace gaming with? What do you do with your time?" As if there weren't enough things in life to fill 24 hours if you didn't spend a significant chunk of it gaming. Dude, anything! Anything is better. What do I do now? I spend time learning and improving myself and doing things that I am proud of accomplishing. Try that instead.

For whatever reason I just feel really strongly about this today.

Gratitude

  1. R/sysadmin
  2. Vinaka cafe.
  3. Green tea.
  4. Breakfast sandwiches.
  5. Hot sauce.

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Day 161

I'm in the process of figuring out what direction I want my career in IT to take. One thing I've realized is that... I'm going to learn Linux (Thanks @Tom). I see no downside to learning it, and in fact, it seems to only be getting more and more in demand. "Linux" isn't exactly a direction, but it opens up a lot of doors, I'm realizing. Even if I am primarily a Windows guy, knowing Linux will give me an edge over others, from what I understand.

I've been feeling a bit better about work and life goals lately, mainly I think because I'm being proactive in going after them. So that's good. However, I'm also feeling less connected socially, and I'm not sure why. In doing this thinking about work stuff, and in working with Cam, I am having to work through some emotional barriers, so maybe that's playing into it.

In any case, I'm sure it will pass. Sometimes we hit weird patches that don't always make total sense. Onwards and upwards.

Gratitude

  1. No pain in my hands today.
  2. Learning new IT skills.
  3. Cleaning my car, and other chores.
  4. Comforting my baby niece.
  5. Dinner family cooked for me last night.

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Day 162

Anxiety is funny. Yesterday I felt pretty anxious over nothing in particular that I could really identify. This morning, I come into work and the AC unit for our server room is out. The temperature alarm system didn't dial out correctly over the weekend. Great. Equipment seems OK, and I have a backup AC unit, but it's not a fun situation. By contrast, in this situation I feel relatively calm. Maybe because I'm doing everything I can be doing and now all there is to wait.

I feel like I'm growing in several different ways simultaneously right now, and it's a real challenge, but a rewarding one. Professionally, emotionally, psychologically, physically, socially. It's a lot of work, but worth it.

Gratitude

  1. Server/network hardware seems OK.
  2. Getting better at understanding my anxiety.
  3. Exploring my career path options.
  4. Contingency plans.
  5. Smoothies.

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Day 163

I've had less to share here lately, which is OK. I've been very busy doing and spending less time thinking in some ways. This is probably good for me.

I'm very focused on my job right now, and on expanding my IT knowledge and skillset.

I was thinking of what I spend my time on these days. I'd say these are my most common activities:

  • Work
  • Reading
  • Exercising
  • Socializing
  • Cooking
  • Learning IT stuff
  • Meditating
  • Listening to podcasts

I'd say overall this is a much better set of activities than I had when I started this. Pretty unequivocally.

Gratitude

  1. Seeing how far I have come.
  2. Tea.
  3. Meditating for 30 minutes yesterday.
  4. Taking steps towards my goals.
  5. Getting momentum at work.

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