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Marquess

[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)

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>log in to discord chat

Someone said "there are opportunities everywhere".

No there aren't. There are no opportunities at all. At least not for people like me.

I signed up to Upwork. Had a weird feeling I better use a throwaway e-mail first to see how the entire thing even works, and I was so right. They literally RE-QUIRE you to post you real life headshot, address, and a phone number. Everything. Your entire life. My entire life is shit, and I'm from Slovenia, which is, as we've established before, worse than being from India when it comes to whoring yourself on shitcontent shitwebsites.

Upwork is useless for me. What am I going to tell them.

So I checked up Fiverr because I knew that it doesn't pressure you for real life data as much or at all. I manage to make a profile and start looking at others to figure out how to set everything up. Well, everyone has 3 degrees, 80 years of experience, links to blogs/portfolios, beaming headshots, and of course they're all native speakers that can write in both US and UK English.

How am I supposed to go against that. I can't even fake being an American through a VPN since it's then impossible to withdraw any money I may make. I won't make anything.

It's useless.

That's not to even mention that fact that, as a non-native speaker, it's hard for me to adopt a new vocabulary / style, which is kinda required if you're doing general article writing. For example, if the article is supposed to be about camping equipment, I have to learn an entire new set of expressions. And this is absolutely possible, and it does get better with time, but it's just an additional hurdle you can never disregard.

Besides, I've made a Fiverr profile once before; no one contacted me. You need to promote, and I have nowhere to promote it; I have no real network. So that really is it.

I spent 2 days trying to get iWriter going, but there doesn't seem to be enough jobs to even rank up to start earning anything real. I mean, shit, I'll have to go back to iWriter yet again because I have no other options, but this is terrible. I can also do transcription, which pays nothing, but it at least is reliable and easy. I'll be able to see The Cure after all if I decide to ... though that doesn't bring me anywhere closer to a long term solution I desperately need.

There are other options. Other approaches.

As always, I know what I need to do in order to improve my situation; it's just that it remains to be terrible as it is. How is that surprising.

HhO1IQN.jpg

Edited by Marquess

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Maybe I should have said there is potential for opportunities everywhere. Of course, in your situation it's not easy or quick to get things going, but it's still possible.

Might be worthwhile to try some 30 Days to X's strategy on writing reviews? That could be something where you don't need anybody else. Although I'm not certain about how Amazon Affiliate works with someone from Slovenia. 

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There are other options. Other approaches.

As always, I know what I need to do in order to improve my situation; it's just that it remains to be terrible as it is. How is that surprising.

That sounds dangerous... but hey, you know what to do, that's the very first step.

You know how this goes, it's the NEET circle. You've seen this many times already. Eventually, you'll succeed, but the beginnings are bloody awful. It shall pass, pal.

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Hi hi,

I can't remember my pass, and I won't be able to access my home PC for a good while, so I just made a new account for now.

So basically, I've been hospitalized about three weeks ago, and I'm looking at a hospital stay that'll probably last for about three months. Technically, my hospitalization wasn't forced, but I was pretty much told by the police that I either go with them and generally cooperate, or we'll sort it out in a different way. I decided to go with the first option. The legal backing for the entire operation was built on the basis that I must present a danger to myself (and possibly others, somehow) by my parents and a social worker; I was told later that the fire department was already on their way to break into my apartment if necessary. And really, there's more to it, but I don't feel like going into it right now.

In short, I don't have much choice but to cooperate right now, play nice, etc. I'd prefer there were a way to tell how I feel about the entire (or)deal, but that's complicated as well. I'm still mostly focusing on accepting the situation as it is.

I went from the closed ward to an open one, and about a week ago I was transferred to a different unit that focused mainly on psychotherapy (both group and individual forms) and mostly deals with patients who are stable & function in a more or less normal way - which is more than I can say for the place I was in before. Seen some fun stuff, I'll say that, lel; I should write a bit about that too.

All in all, and in spite of what I've written above, things are going rather good, and I'm pretty happy about where I am right now. There are several upsides to my current situation, and the way I was living before was hurting me far more than I knew.

Obviously, things would've been better if it weren't for all the mistakes I've made. But I needed help, and I was unable to ask for it myself; that much is indisputable.

I don't think I'll be doing the challenge thing together with all the goal setting, etc, again. I'm back though, and I'll continue posting from time to time. 

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It's funny how people tend to recoil when I tell them I basically live in a mental hospital right now (and have been for the past month). And I do understand them, but it's also ridiculous that most aren't ready to consider the stereotypes even a little bit.

The section I'm in right now isn't some kind of a grim place where patients are being forced with dangerous meds, being locked in padded cells or left to wander around without any kind of further help/program. It's actually, well, it's basically a safe space where you get to follow a schedule of activities and talk about your feelings a lot - combined with a fair deal of physical exercise. No one's tried to force meds on me at any point, and even with regards to activities, we're allowed to abstain from anything we don't feel comfortable with. This is usually followed with some encouragement, but it's always brief and free of any sort of passive aggressiveness that tends to be common in such cases.

Even the very first 4 days that I've spend in the actual locked ward, the place that has all sorts of psychotic and sometimes violent patients, was nowhere close to what we see in popular culture. This is mostly thanks to the fact that all the potentially problematic patients are doped out of their minds, so they more or less spend their days sleeping (high dose antypsychotics will do that). The technicians (male nurses) there will call you by your surname and generally monitor you very closely - you're also not allowed to have any sharp objects or anything that could be made into a sharp object - but are mostly friendly and always, always polite. It must be a part of their training.

It's pretty good.

But it's also a lot to take in. It's only now that I've managed to achieve some sort of stability, started to develop some sort of a routine, and I still have only a little idea of how the next week will look like. General mood is alright; energy levels are ok; I can't complain.

Gonna try to write more later since some fucking teenagers just entered and started messing about with the fucking synth, lel.

(I wonder how many of guys that've been talking to are still posting ... the dropout rate being what it is.)

Edited by Marquess

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I'm glad that you are back. I didn't really "miss" you, but I've been a bit worried. I even wrote on your blog "uncanny thoughts"  to see what happened to you, since you've been active there for a while until the blog was shut down somehow.

A stay in the hospital is always interesting with the option of new viewpoints. I'm excited to hear your new stories.

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I'm glad that you are back. I didn't really "miss" you, but I've been a bit worried. I even wrote on your blog "uncanny thoughts"  to see what happened to you, since you've been active there for a while until the blog was shut down somehow.

A stay in the hospital is always interesting with the option of new viewpoints. I'm excited to hear your new stories.

Oh, so that was you).

Well, my blog wasn't shut down; I just got insanely wasted one night and basically purged the entire thing for no specific reason.

I've since started to rebuild it under an updated name: https://uncannydays.wordpress.com/

And yeah, I should write more on the topic of staying here. It's just that I typically end my days exhausted & privacy is a fucking comodity around here.

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I'm starting to have  s o m e  doubts whether I can benefit from this place at all. If I do manage to extract some benefit out of it, it'll be due to my own activities and not because of following the program itself, letting it all go and "trusting the system". A lot of it is downright infantile; a good part of it can be best described as kindergarten activities.

For example, yesterday, we spent about an hour picking a cut-out from some magazine - we were able to choose between various objects, people, and sceneries - then gluing it to a large piece of paper and drawing around it. After we were finished, we had to explain why we've

--- I'm being interrupted again, so I'm just posting this and continuing later. i wanrt to die ffffffuuuuuuuuuu ))))

((((

---

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For example, yesterday, we spent about an hour picking a cut-out from some magazine - we were able to choose between various objects, people, and sceneries - then gluing it to a large piece of paper and drawing around it. After we were finished, we had to explain why we've

I had to do it once, in a job interview for an engineering position at a big company.

When applying for a driver's license in Brazil, you have to do a similar activity. Instead of cutting images from magazines, you have to draw a picture. I've known people who failed at it.

It is not kindergarden stuff, although it looks so. They are psychological exams.

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Perhaps they can be used in such way. No one studies this though; it's mostly just something to keep us occupied, but that's what you get with socialized healthcare. The entire system is set up to support itself & cause as little issues as possible while doing so. Even so, I'm still able to find some benefits from myself in all of this. But it's in spite of it all - not because of it.

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Either way, the last week's been incredibly turbulent, and I may have made an irrational claim or two during the process. I'm so far from being done here, but it's a fact that I seem to have this irrational predisposition that most, if not all, people want to harm me (or at least use me for their purposes without any regard for my well-being), which couldn't be farther from the truth, but it's something that's been holding me back in a great number of situations over the years.

Establishing that, the next question would be, "what happened?" to which I don't have a reply. I don't think it was one specific thing anyway though, of course, it must all have started somewhere and by some precise reason(s). It's just hard to say. I do have some ideas, but I don't even want to speculate about it right now.

There's one specific thing that I've had in mind for more than a year now, and it's something I'll get to the bottom of in the next weeks or, at worst, months.

Yesterday, it was the first time - in years - when a group of people expressed genuine happiness because of my presence & responded positively to my attempts at connecting with it. I think I've been in a state of something resembling bliss ever since; it's one of those things that you only realize how much you've lacked it when you get to experience it again. And it's literally been years since the last time, I'm sure.

This post is too flowery, but I'll leave it as it is.

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I seem to have this irrational predisposition that most, if not all, people want to harm me (or at least use me for their purposes without any regard for my well-being), which couldn't be farther from the truth, but it's something that's been holding me back in a great number of situations over the years.

In my personal experience, keeping this assumption as a constant in your life is an exaggeration (as you're also realizing), but in the times that it will actually apply, even if much, much fewer than (we) tend to believe, what's the point in being paralyzed with worry and fear? The best you can do is keep your boundaries flexible, but strong in your red flags. Be open to know people and connect with them, but don't allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone whom you have realistic, specific reasons to distrust. It's both a science and art, we're all trying to learn the perfect balance in some way or another. You know I'm not a big fan of white coats too, and yes some things in the therapeutic protocols may seem childish or pointless. As a broad process trying to cater to a broad spectrum of people, the implicit idea is for you to take whatever you find useful for yourself, filter your own tools for recovery and growth. It can be a real pain, but all things considered I believe you're in the right place. Stay safe and take it easy, you're doing awesome man.

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