[NSFW] Marquess' journal (Cute emo girls inside!)

[Marquess]

SONGE

[WorkInProgress]

Well I am surely not qualified to give professional help to anyone. But it doesn't sound like you aren't depressed. It seems like you have other issues. It sounds like you use this internal breakdowns to shift your actual state in an extreme down. If this down disappears you realize that your normal state  isn't that bad and feel more energetic. It is kind of problematic to give any good advice out of the distant place I am. But it feels like you need to go to the basics. Means: eat properly(I know it is hard because of money right now but try to make some vitamins and stuff happen),drink enough ,sleep enough if possible. After this is all met you may benefit from meditation or even therapeutic help(which is most likely to expensive). But to become stable  and be able to do lot of stuff every day, this is the foundation to start anything new in my opinion. How are you doing on this front?

[Marquess]

I know I'm depressed. Gaming has just been masking it to a degree. I appreciate your comment, but you don't need to worry; I know exactly what to do, and I really am beyond the point at which I'd be likely to go back to gaming (and drinking).

Part of the reason is that, at 30, I can't take it as well any more; I'm tired of the game, and booze, once it wears off, affects my psyche in a far too horrifying way to be worth it.

It's actually possible to eat really well on a budget. Things like rice, vegetables, coconut oil, canned fish, and eggs are all cheap and healthy ^^. For comparison, eating pasta or bread, which are terrible, costs about the same, and eating fast food would cold more. I could, in theory, go for cheap keto as well, yet that's never worked out for me before, so I won't even bother. And for what is worth, a bit of a carb high is relaxing even if it slows be down a bit.

Edited July 2, 2016 by Marchosias

[Marquess]

It's raining! What a glorious day. When I grow up, I'll move to a country where it always rains. It also needs to be either in Europe or USA. Suggestions?

I had a somewhat interesting dream. I found myself on a bus supposedly going back home, but it turned out that I'd taken a wrong one and am now traveling to an unknown location. (This actually happened once when I was in high school.) The bus was full of teenagers that were neither hateful nor friendly to me; I tried to start a conversation with two guys, but they only moved away from me visibly annoyed. There was a large TV screen most people were watching, but I don't remember what was on.

We soon arrived to a sort of a small town that had some kind of a park/exhibition site that was the goal of the visit. I spoke to their teacher/guide, who turned out to be my homeroom teacher from the first year of high school: a small, friendly, if somewhat nervous, woman in her mid to late 20s. I asked her if, since I'm already here, I can join their group to see whatever they're seeing, and she agreed right away, only asking me to pay a small fee, which was in my country's old currency (before we switched to Euro); the same currency that was in use when I was in high school in real life.

I then followed their group around the exhibition site. I'm unsure what it was about; there was a lot of green grass, some trees, and all sorts of paths; it was a pleasant and well kept area. The strange part was that all the students stared at their cell phones the entire time and kept completely quiet. Those at the front of the group would make pictures with their phones and then send them to the students at the back of the group via Snapchat. They looked at their phones and spammed Snapchat through the entire tour, and it seemed like that's normal behavior for teenagers nowadays; it's just how things are; you've just lost touch with the times.

This was where the dream ended.

There were others that I don't remember in such detail. One was a about me being at a swimming pool that was full of young people of various ages -- from elementary school children to my peers. I think they were almost exclusively guys for some reason, and they all knew each other and formed a a group to which I was an outsider, yet they were all friendly and let me train swimming with them.

Another one was about getting wasted with two older guys I somewhat knew. It's been a long while since I last dreamed about drinking, so I'm not sure what to make of that. The main point, however, was about me trying to arrange a date with some girl (dated very briefly IRL), but I had to drop it in the end since I remembered I was completely broke.

Edited July 3, 2016 by Marchosias

[Marquess]

,

Edited July 3, 2016 by Marchosias

[Marquess]

And back to fine again. I go from feeling pretty good to pure, unfiltered despair like twice a day, lol. I must do something about this.

Strangely, even this is preferable to going back to my previous lifestyle. I vaguely considered playing WoW earlier and was just meh.

Edited July 3, 2016 by Marchosias

[Marquess]

40 dayz ^^.

[Cam Adair]

40 dayz ^^.

This seemed appropriate

[Marquess]

40 dayz ^^.

This seemed appropriate

Most appropriate picture in this entire thread.

[Piotr]

40 dayz ^^

Gratz! More will certainly come! 

[Marquess]

Yeah, I'm safe from games for now, but I need to find a viable solution for my mood and energy asap, or it's just a question of time before I start playing again. I know myself enough.

Freeing my brain from games has lot of positive effects, but it's also brought the issues that drove me to gaming in the first place back to the forefront. I can manage it for now, but I'd say I have about a month, or two at most, left before I break again if I don't solve this at least to some degree.

Edited July 4, 2016 by Marchosias

[WorkInProgress]

Any ideas you could try out? If you mention what exactly you need I can help you build a little mastermind with you to brainstorm

[Marquess]

Idk. Serial masturbation?

[WorkInProgress]

Tantric yoga?

 

[Marquess]

Lol, I had no idea that this CS:GO thing is basically one huge casino. They aren't even trying anymore. Why bother creating an amazing game with systems that fuel addictive behavior on top ... when you can just go full casino?

Modern gaming, lol.

Games should've stopped evolving after DOS era. The problem of addiction would be a lot lesser too. Don't see people getting hooked on Prehistorik as much.

We pretty much went from an equivalent of hot, delicious coffee to energy drinks to speed to ecstasy to crystal meth. And now they're making these VR things.

God, everyone seems to be so negative today, and I'm in a crap mood as well. Got in a sensless Twitter war with some idiot & someone got a hissy fit and called me a cretin over nothing. I have my fits as well, but I never attack individuals. Ever. That's basically the first rule of a successful trolling career because once you start hammering on specific people, it's just a matter of time before you pick on a wrong person. That and it feels disgusting anyway.

A lot of people do it still because it's easy and it's fun, meh.

(Source video on turning FPS games into slot machines & related scams. It includes of maybe 2 seconds of game footage if that's an issue for you.)

Edited July 5, 2016 by Marchosias

[Cam Adair]

Lol, I had no idea that this CS:GO thing is basically one huge casino. They aren't even trying anymore. Why bother creating an amazing game with systems that fuel addictive behavior on top ... when you can just go full casino?

Modern gaming, lol.

Games should've stopped evolving after DOS era. The problem of addiction would be a lot lesser too. Don't see people getting hooked on Prehistorik as much.

We pretty much went from an equivalent of hot, delicious coffee to energy drinks to speed to ecstasy to crystal meth. And now they're making these VR things.

God, everyone seems to be so negative today, and I'm in a crap mood as well. Got in a sensless Twitter war with some idiot & someone got a hissy fit and called me a cretin over nothing. I have my fits as well, but I never attack individuals. Ever. That's basically the first rule of a successful trolling career because once you start hammering on specific people, it's just a matter of time before you pick on a wrong person. That and it feels disgusting anyway.

A lot of people do it still because it's easy and it's fun, meh.

(Source video on turning FPS games into slot machines & related scams. It includes of maybe 2 seconds of game footage if that's an issue for you.)

Yep. I was at 5 conferences on problem gambling over the past few months and skin-betting in CSGO was a HUGE topic. 

[Marquess]

It seems that carbs hurt me significantly more now that I'm games free. Been eating very high carb for the last few days, and it's worse than ever before; I can feel I'm not quite there mentally; it's almost like being hungover.

It does make sense since gaming was masking my unfavorable mental state, and carbs have always made it worse. It's just that I haven't expected such a distinct difference, so I don't have much of a choice at this point; I need to go with keto or suffer through the carb fog continuously.

It's ridiculous that it's come to that. How do you expect anything like this to happen when you're 15. You don't.

[Marquess]

Yep. I was at 5 conferences on problem gambling over the past few months and skin-betting in CSGO was a HUGE topic. 

But really, is downing a boss and hoping for an X item to drop all that different? Or being rewarded with a cool item for spending 20 minutes a day doing X repetitive tasks (that require zero skill to top it off). CSGO is just the most obvious example.

[Cam Adair]

Yep. I was at 5 conferences on problem gambling over the past few months and skin-betting in CSGO was a HUGE topic. 

But really, is downing a boss and hoping for an X item to drop all that different? Or being rewarded with a cool item for spending 20 minutes a day doing X repetitive tasks (that require zero skill to top it off). CSGO is just the most obvious example.

Those examples on their own are not wrong. There are three factors that get referenced a lot for "gambling": Prize, Chance and Consideration. Even though CSGO has these elements, they are able to get away with it (ie: plead ignorance) at the moment because within the law virtual goods (even if they are able to be sold in a third party marketplace for real money) do not currently stand as "real money." That's a battle happening in the courts as we speak. One example.

[Marquess]

Still can't believe how much food seems to affect me now that I'm not playing.

I ate bread yesterday and felt near suicidal for most of the day; I've never read about such a strong connection between nutrition and mood. This was the second time the exact same thing has happened, and I'll actually do it again today just one more time to be absolutely certain. Even though I'm more or less sure as potato has a similar effect.

List of high carb foods sorted according to severity of negative impact:

100% Pasta

90% Bread

60% Potato

30% Rice

Which makes pasta and bread the utter despair vs. rice that's bearable.

One of the more painful aspects of coming out of a gaming haze is realizing how much other people, who haven't spent all those years being focused on gaming, have achieved in the same time. I see those a few years younger that are far above me in a number of ways. How to catch up?

Apart from making money and discussing a few engaging topics, I have no interests in this life. That and surviving, not getting sick.

Edited July 7, 2016 by Marchosias

[Cam Adair]

Eat real food like a paleo diet and you'll feel your best I almost guarantee it! 

[Marquess]

Recent events in Dallas make me glad I don't live in America, tbh. It did remind me of this article:

Back on the real street. A 250-pound guy crazy on PCP charges you with the clear intention of doing you harm. How much harm? He could kill you. It isn’t part of your job description to find out. You don’t have time in three seconds to try pepper-spray (which doesn’t work well on PCP heads anyway) or send for a Taser, or shout, “Halt in the name of the law, oh evil emissary of the forces of chaos!”

Bang. Maybe he was just going to give you a hug and a kiss.

 Or you are in your new cruiser and get a robbery-in-progress call to a Seven-Eleven. You respond, that being what police are for. The perp—you will call them “perps” by now—runs down an alley and you follow him on foot, gun in hand. At least, if it isn’t in your hand, you are an idiot.

You are panting, pumped up on adrenaline, can’t see well in the dim light of the alley—and the perp turns with something black in his hand.

If you shoot, and the object turns out to be a cell phone, “White cop shoots unarmed teen.” If you don’t shoot, and it turns out to be a gun, your wife gets to explain why daddy isn’t’ coming back. Ever.

Cops understand this. Delicate Ivy flowers in the peat moss of the Washington Post do not.

Let’s drop the "You are a cop" narrative. Instead, let's try an experiment. In your living room, no adrenaline, no darkness, no danger, I will turn my back on you, holding in front of me in one hand a Day-Glo yellow plastuc banana and, in the other, a realistic plastic pistol. You, in calm, perfectly safe circumstances, will point a “pistol” at me. Your finger will do fine. I will turn as fast as I can with one or the other in my hand. You have to shoot or not.

You will find, no matter how many times we try the experiment, that I can turn and fire (if I turn with the gun) before you can decide whether I have a gun or a Day-Glo banana. Try it in a dark alley.

Nuff said.

Full article.

[Marquess]

God, yet another close call. Where are these situations coming from. I know; I've been slacking off for the last three days, so it was only a question of time before going back to my depressed state, which by default leads to WoW cravings.

There is a sort of a lining to this; idk if it's made of metal, or whether the metal precious or not, but there is something there. People who are normal, more mentally sound, can afford to live in a passive, unproductive way and still feel relatively fine. Not me. I absolutely have to be creative to want to get out of bed.

I had a blog that I wrote for a few months. Nothing special, some rambling, some posts with an actual theme, some sadposting. I wish I could share it here, but it'd be just weird because it's from a different online persona. A persona I just killed off today because I no longer know what to think of it.

And it isn't even the only one. I want to consolidate them all; this is getting beyond ridiculous, and it's, at the most base level, really just another distraction.

If I in fact go through with it, I may actually end up with a readership above 5 people. What's holding me back is some of these profiles, especially one of them, the one I used on WoW forums, is infamous for drunk posting and meltdowns, but it's also the most popular and has written some good stuff.

And even if I look at this thread, there are posts I'd prefer I haven't made; they either say something I don't truly believe in, or they present it in a poor manner. Not to mention all the stuff that's just not written very well, but that's fine since what can you do.

The question is, however, what to even merge all these identities to. It's sad that I need to think about this at 30, and I can clearly see anyone under 30 reading this and thinking, "this won't be me when I'm that old". I know because I was the same. And if you're on this forum, chances are you won't ever be in my position, so there's that.

I wish I had the money to leave the apartment in a way more meaningful than just taking a random walk to nowhere. It all comes back to it, and it's something I've been posting about a lot in past; I don't want to repeat myself too much. But I also don't want to write about what I'm doing about it because I've done that as well.

Got banned on FB a while ago again. The reason is as underwhelming as always.

Edited July 10, 2016 by Marchosias

[Marquess]

Kino - A Place to Step Forward

(A translation from Russian I found. "Kino" means "cinema" in more or less every Slavic language.)

I have a house, but I don't have the keys
I have the sun, but it's hiding behind the clouds,
I have a head, but no shoulders for it to rest upon,
But I see how the sun's rays are trying to shine through the clouds..
I have words, but no letters are in them,
I have a forest, but no axes,
I have time, but I can hardly wait,
And I even have Night, but there are no dreams...

And there are also white, white days,
White mountains and white ice,
But all I need are a few words,
And a place to step forward...

I have a river, but no bridge to cross it
I've got mice, but no cats
I've got sails, but there's no wind,
And I even have paint, but no canvas to paint on..
I have water from the tap in the kitchen,
I have a wound, but no bandage,
I have brothers, but no relatives,
And I have hands, but they are empty...

And there are also white, white days,
White mountains and white ice,
But all I need are a few words,
And a place to step forward...

Edited July 10, 2016 by Marchosias

[Cam Adair]

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