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Shine Magical

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15 minutes ago, Shine Magical said:

Today my thoughts are: Thank goodness my life is on an upwards trajectory.

I watched a teenage romance movie about college and it made me regret all of my years gaming and smoking weed. Only in the past few months have I started socializing, and I’m about to restart all over again and going to have to find new friends which will be hard. I’m going to be 30 this year and I feel like I’m only starting to get a grasp of my life. 

I wonder if I’ll be able to have a sweet and innocent love.

It's very easy to feel regret and guilt about gaming. I'm going to be 30 years old this year as well and I played RuneScape every day in high school, college, and after college somewhere for 6-18 hours a day. I'm good looking and never even tried having a relationship. I think about all the opportunities I wasted, etc. It's painful. 

It's also not worth feeling the pain of regret and shame. I think you can briefly look at it as a lesson that if you keep repeating the things you regret doing then you'll end up regretting your 30s as well.

Take some time to appreciate any lessons you learned about yourself during those past few years. I learned how to be an expert communicator, typist, 3d visualizer (I'm great at using autocad now) and I'm able to focus on tasks for an extremely long time due to comfort in gaming. It's made me incredibly good at my job and I've been able to make new friends, do well at work, and learn certain new hobbies.

I challenge you to look back at these years you regret and write a few sentences about what good it did for you. Write how you've improved in certain areas. I challenge you to change your mindset and look back at your past with positivity.

You will find sweet and innocent love in different ways if you look the right way and just keep living a life you enjoy. I sometimes think things are so dark and I listen to dark music and I get stuck. I then think I want fun things and force myself to listen to fun music and just laugh sometimes. It makes me think life is so fun and I'll meet someone who shares this smile one day.

You'll like Boston, trust me. We're kind of assholes here, the snow stinks, and people are bad drivers, but in reality that's everywhere. It's a very inclusive community once you find your way and you'll have fun. There are nice guys here as well.

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Ways gaming improved my life:
I self-taught myself photoshop
I know how to download pretty much anything I want for free 
I'm faster on a computer than pretty much anyone I've ever met in the workplace 
I have good research skills on the internet
Efficient at tracking and also completing a long list of small tasks to do (quests). My life is very tidy. This can also be a con because it's mentally taxing to be hyper aware of everything that needs to be done.
Playing relatively obscure MMOs gave me very unique experiences growing up that helped shape my subconscious 
Did not fall into drinking or doing hard drugs since I avoided the party college life 
Playing League of Legends for a span of 6+ years made me more emotionally intelligent and helped me discern when it made sense for me to get upset 
More exposure to anime/Japanese culture
Exposure to a lot of different types of peoples' inner thoughts

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8 hours ago, Shine Magical said:

Ways gaming improved my life:
I self-taught myself photoshop
I know how to download pretty much anything I want for free 
I'm faster on a computer than pretty much anyone I've ever met in the workplace 
I have good research skills on the internet
Efficient at tracking and also completing a long list of small tasks to do (quests). My life is very tidy. This can also be a con because it's mentally taxing to be hyper aware of everything that needs to be done.
Playing relatively obscure MMOs gave me very unique experiences growing up that helped shape my subconscious 
Did not fall into drinking or doing hard drugs since I avoided the party college life 
Playing League of Legends for a span of 6+ years made me more emotionally intelligent and helped me discern when it made sense for me to get upset 
More exposure to anime/Japanese culture
Exposure to a lot of different types of peoples' inner thoughts

That sounds like a much better list than regret and disappointment. Great job. This is an excellent assessment. Take a picture of this list and look at it whenever you start to feel regret. You're much better than that and never deserve to feel sadness, especially from yourself. 

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I’m currently visitIng my grandma in Canada. 
I went to the gym today and am working on a painting. So far, it has potential to be good. I’m already reading a book by the CEO of Microsoft, but it’s pretty boring. I find most books to move very slowly and not give a lot of important information. It’s mostly just people rambling instead of being concise. Maybe that’s why I like fantasy novels if I read at all. At least they have some action. 

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2020 is going to be a year of metamorphosis.

I will do what I want, and do things to my liking. I will focus on bettering myself, and grow to be my best self yet.

I’ve always wanted to try sleeping on a shikibuton, but my boyfriend didn’t want me to. Well, now I will have my own apartment so I will try it. So what if people may not want to have sex on it? It’s for me to sleep on, and I don’t care about what they want.

I will focus on my job, my body, and my art this year (in that order). 

232356B5-3126-4918-AB2F-C2DD94270D78.jpeg

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I'll be moving in 5 days.

I'm so nervous about all the things that might go wrong with the move. I'm going to be living alone and I'm going to have to take care of everything myself. I read some bad reviews about the building I'm about to move into, about how the walls are paper thin and you can hear your neighbors. So I'm scared about what if they're true? I thought it was nice when I visited but now I am worried. I also think it would be inconsiderate to tell my friends about this because they're already bummed that I'm abruptly leaving the city and there isn't much they can do other than say "it'll be alright."

Just typing this last sentence out reminded me of my favorite of all time, Cardcaptor Sakura.

mantra.png

I feel a lot better now. I guess this is the magic power of journaling. If you think everything will be alright, it will turn out to be that way. That is Sakura's greatest magic spell. 😊

I'm sure I'll be all right!

- - -

By the way, what are video games? I feel like this journal is no longer in any way related to gaming.

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12 minutes ago, Shine Magical said:

I'll be moving in 5 days.

I'm so nervous about all the things that might go wrong with the move. I'm going to be living alone and I'm going to have to take care of everything myself. I read some bad reviews about the building I'm about to move into, about how the walls are paper thin and you can hear your neighbors. So I'm scared about what if they're true? I thought it was nice when I visited but now I am worried. I also think it would be inconsiderate to tell my friends about this because they're already bummed that I'm abruptly leaving the city and there isn't much they can do other than say "it'll be alright."

Just typing this last sentence out reminded me of my favorite of all time, Cardcaptor Sakura.

mantra.png

I feel a lot better now. I guess this is the magic power of journaling. If you think everything will be alright, it will turn out to be that way. That is Sakura's greatest magic spell. 😊

I'm sure I'll be all right!

- - -

By the way, what are video games? I feel like this journal is no longer in any way related to gaming.

You're going to be ok. It's going to be tough at times. Boston is tough in the winter. Apartment struggles happen everywhere, especially if you've read my journal where I had to move 3 times in a year. But you will have to look at your actions to give you strength. You're out of a toxic relationship and ate pursuing a life for yourself. Not many people do this. You can always find a new apartment in time as well if this doesn't work. You might meet someone and develop a roommate situation, even if they're just friends, not saying a relationship. 

It's ok to be afraid, but it's also ok to believe in yourself and know you're walking the right path. 

I also just journal here. I haven't struggled with video games in a year. Keep posting. It's good for you I think. 

Good luck with the move. 

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I've been laughing so much for the past 20 minutes. It's just too fucking funny! 🤣😂 Tears are coming out of my eyes its so funny. I'm dying lmao.

Today's my last day in NYC, I'll be getting up at 5:30AM to get the uHaul. I spent the day today with my best friend,  now my favorite thing about NYC. I can't imagine that at one point I thought my ex was my best friend and that she was second in my life? Crazy. We had vegan Buddhist Korean food, sang karaoke, and did an Escape Room (with 15 minutes to spare). I will miss her a lot, but she said she'll come visit me and I'm sure I'll come visit her too.

Anyway, the funny news is that my ex just got diagnosed with an STD. It's my last day ever in NYC and already his grand plans for a highly sexual open relationship is slapping him in the face with reality. He's such a naive and stupid dumbass. It's really just so funny. What a way to go out and make me feel like I'm making an excellent decision while he's stressed and freaking out and potentially rethinking the decisions he's made over the past few years of taking me for granted. I can only hope I don't get an STD as well during my search for a new boyfriend. I think its best for me to be single for a while... hopefully I can find a fwb situation that will evolve into a relationship down the line because we like each other so much. 😊

I'm still laughing a bit. LOL

Fuck you Mike, you fucking subhuman worm. Way to waste my life and make me feel like shit throughout the process. I'm sure you'll end up with what and whom you deserve.

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3 minutes ago, Shine Magical said:

I've been laughing so much for the past 20 minutes. It's just too fucking funny! 🤣😂 Tears are coming out of my eyes its so funny. I'm dying lmao.

Today's my last day in NYC, I'll be getting up at 5:30AM to get the uHaul. I spent the day today with my best friend,  now my favorite thing about NYC. I can't imagine that at one point I thought my ex was my best friend and that she was second in my life? Crazy. We had vegan Buddhist Korean food, sang karaoke, and did an Escape Room (with 15 minutes to spare). I will miss her a lot, but she said she'll come visit me and I'm sure I'll come visit her too.

Anyway, the funny news is that my ex just got diagnosed with an STD. It's my last day ever in NYC and already his grand plans for a highly sexual open relationship is slapping him in the face with reality. He's such a naive and stupid dumbass. It's really just so funny. What a way to go out and make me feel like I'm making an excellent decision while he's stressed and freaking out and potentially rethinking the decisions he's made over the past few years of taking me for granted. I can only hope I don't get an STD as well during my search for a new boyfriend. I think its best for me to be single for a while... hopefully I can find a fwb situation that will evolve into a relationship down the line because we like each other so much. 😊

I'm still laughing a bit. LOL

Fuck you Mike, you fucking subhuman worm. Way to waste my life and make me feel like shit throughout the process. I'm sure you'll end up with what and whom you deserve.

Good shit. Told you that this was a great decision. Keep up the good perspective on things and move forward. 

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I’m feeling very good. Everything went well with the move except for 2 things: I chipped my favorite table, and also my favorite 2 plants died on the trip up here.

 

But I’m happy with the apartment and I’m going to be done unpacking tonight. 

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I’ve had some mild cravings to play league of legends the past few days. Amusing.

I think it’s because I can’t do art half the day because I don’t own a lamp yet and 1 room really needs one. 
I also haven’t been eating normally I think it’s because I am stressed about everything that needs to be done in my apartment and also because the grocery store is far from my apartment and I don’t have a car. I’m only eating half of what I normally do and I woke up at 4am today really hungry.

I’m sure I’ll get more adjusted soon.

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Shine Magical, have you moved to live in a rural area? Judging by the fact that the nearest grocery store is far away.

It is something I am considering. When I see the countryside I get a lot healthier.

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1 hour ago, Amphibian220 said:

Shine Magical, have you moved to live in a rural area? Judging by the fact that the nearest grocery store is far away.

It is something I am considering. When I see the countryside I get a lot healthier.

The nearest grocery store that is fully stocked is a 13 minute walk away. To me, that is a lot since I used to always live <5 minutes away or had one in my building in NYC. That can be a lot especially if you have more than 4 big bags. I'm used to shopping only once a week.

 

I live in Malden which seems to be a suburb of Boston. I consider it to be a small town. I like it a lot though, it is nice and quiet. A big difference from growing up in NYC.

Edited by Shine Magical

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I am honestly having no cravings right now but it is only my second day so if I was you because of past experiences of cravings I would get out of the house if you can and that should prevent you from playing league of legends. Also for the not eating I know it is hard to swallow but I used to be the same way. I was super depressed to the point of I would eat once a day if that. I eventually when meal times came around and I told myself I wasn't hungry I would honestly force myself to eat. It is just your mind playing tricks on you telling you your not hungry but your actually starving. Just start eating when you tell yourself your not hungry. You will become much healthier believe me.

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On 12/4/2016 at 9:49 AM, Shine Magical said:

1st pic is a commitment to a minimalist apartment. I like how empty rooms look and so the goal is to have an apartment that almost looks empty :P

2nd pic is something I want to do. I want to try growing moss even though its hard to do indoors, I also bought a small quartz crystal bunch so that it would look like that picture.

3rd pic is my goal for writing my fantasy book that I won't work on until after I pass my test.

4th pic is from the anime Cardcaptor Sakura, which has a main theme of believing in yourself because everything will be alright.

5th pic is from the newer Cardcaptor Sakura series, which shows that I will stay true to myself and follow my passions even if others think they are silly or weird.

6th pic is the designation I am aiming for, my test date is March 21st!

Here's an update on my vision board from wayyy early in my journal:

Since this apartment is completely under my control it looks pretty minimalist like the picture. I also just bought a bidet for my toilet hehe.

I think I also deserve a checkmark for #4, I was extremely stressed before moving (had bad breakouts) but I pushed through it and did my best with the help of Cardcaptor Sakura. I'm less stressed now but I think it will take another week to settle in.

Capture.thumb.png.f37216c7d980a8a0bd3e95985335e2cf.png.6f9aeef80d040230c2e0d2b7bc701984.png

 

Also here is an update to my net worth, you can see the effect my 1 year of unemployment has had when I stopped working in Nob 2018. My 401k account was deleted and so was the history and that's why there's such a huge jump at that time but there's screenshots earlier in my journal if you are really curious:

1.thumb.png.115f3c9500b808db243aafcb0621f5cd.png

 

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