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d.manuk

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It will be a one-sided romance as far as I'm aware for the time being, giving me time to show him what I have to offer. I always go 100% immediately into things I like, I have no chill. I'm just going to act like he's my half-boyfriend for now because that's what I want him to be. 
 

edit: I’m mostly exaggerating but the above mindset might help me get him to like me

Edited by d.manuk
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Now that I've imagined what our marriage and breakup would look like, I have a clearer head about this guy. Oof, I get so excited by new things. I'll just see how things go and try to have no expectations. I still plan to treat him very well as if he were a special person to me.

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d. manuk, you have had a long and fairly consistent transformation since you began journaling on the site! I commend you on your steadfastness and your dedication to grow and improve yourself. I kept scrolling through...and through...your journal pages until I found today's post. Very impressive!

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I don't think I will date or do anything meaningful with this man other than have sex, which is sort of expected but still upsets me and makes me sad.

I'm meeting him tomorrow but I'm not super excited because I feel sensitive, but my mood will probably change when I see him tomorrow.

Edited by d.manuk
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I met with the guy again. It was okay the 2nd time around. I like him less than the first time, but that's normal. I still think he's cool and like we could have a good thing potentially. I think I'm closer to his level than I previously thought in terms of attractiveness, even though he's obviously more muscular than me.

 

I'm going to be getting my 3rd round of Kybella injections and 2nd round of laser scar removal today, so I told him I'm not free until January. I've been getting stronger at the gym even though I've been eating less and trying to be leaner.

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I liked the laser radiofrequency on my forehead... I'm going to get more.

I look a lot better now 3 days later. Scars will take a few weeks to look back to normal.

I've tested a few skincare products that previous I thought broke me out but they're actually fine for me to use so I'm happy. I feel like I made a lot of progress this weekend towards becoming more attractive.

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My great aunt got moved into a retirement home yesterday.

I was planning to visit her in the summer but I'm wondering if I should visit earlier? I read online that the average person only lives 6 months in a retirement home before passing away, but can be up to 2 years.

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I was initially worried she'd live 5 or 10 years in the retirement home and that she would spend all of her money and I'd get no inheritance.

Now, after reading the life expectancy of someone that goes into a retirement home, I'm instead scared and worried about losing her soon.

I've never had someone I care about die before. She's also the only family member I care about since I've estranged myself from my parents.

Just thinking about it makes me tear up and makes me anxious. I hope she can forgive me for thinking such thoughts like about my inheritance, but that money is very important to me and will help set me up for a better life if it's large enough.

Can I even visit now if I'm able to? Where would I stay? How strict would the COVID restrictions be in the retirement home and how would that limit our contact?

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It’s possible that she still lives a few years and burns through most of her money. 
 

I don’t really know. I don’t like thinking about this stuff. I’ve been nervous about my financial future lately and this isn’t helping. Lots of unknowns.

 

I imagine It’d be hard to visit her while she’s in the retirement home and I’d have to rent a hotel. I’d have to rent a car and I don’t want to drive in the winter because the roads in Canada are very snowy and slippery in the winter and I’m not used to it. 

 

I guess I’ll ask her every time I call how she’s feeling and if she seems bad l come visit her sooner otherwise I’ll come in the summer like I had planned.

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I played new world a few months ago and found it fun until I reached endgame and it was full of bugs and broken. I don’t plan on playing it ever again.

 

I’ve been playing FF14 and have found it nice. I don’t find it addicting like League of Legends or New World. It have made very low dopamine spikes. It can be kind of boring at times due to how slow it is, but the story is really nice. It reminds me more of a movie you can play rather than a video game. 
 

My couch should be delivered sometime next year. At that time I’m planning on getting a TV and also maybe a PS5. If I get it, I’ll probably sell my gaming laptop. I think in the 2nd half of next year I’ll start focusing more on socializing since a lot of my cosmetic procedures should be done by then and I should have a nice body by then too. 
 

I think im going to get laser hair removal on my facial hair. I’m currently growing it out for the first time and im deciding if I like it or not (I don’t think I do). I’m going to give it another week and then I’ll decide if I want to boom an appointment.

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Today I was in my bedroom when I heard my apartment door open. It took a minute or two to process, and then I went into the other room to check it out. I saw a older woman going through my drawers in my kitchen. I asked her who she was and she lied and said she was with the management company. She was a drug addict trying to find something to steal from my apartment, but my apartment is very minimalist lol.

It was an intrusion that disturbed me. I don't normally lock my door even when I leave my apartment because it's a pretty safe neighborhood. For something like this to happen when I'm at home was surprising. Luckily it was an old woman and not a strong man that I wouldn't be able to stop.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've been thinking about aging lately.
All of my scar and body beautification stuff will be done by next year (most likely). At that time I'll be 31.5. As someone who is on the feminine side of the gay spectrum, I face the same challenges women face as they age and dating. Mainly, that men want to date people younger than them and it gets harder for them to find a quality mate as they age. I only have a few years left of being cute. Looks-wise I can probably pass as 26-ish.

I've been feeling resentful towards my parents for my upbringing (though I no longer speak to them). Growing up poor and not having good role models really stunted my growth. Maybe I would have been a more active youth instead of starting to take care of my body in my late 20's? Maybe I could have had the body of one of the instagram guys I see that are still teenagers but could easily beat my face in. I feel really frustrated that I wasn't given the right tools to develop into an adult until later in life. On the flip side, some people are way behind me however that doesn't change my situation. Some people never manage to get ahead or catch up to the pack. But I feel like I have so much potential and the time to utilize it is slipping away. Age 30 is considered the gay death.
I've devoted a lot of resources to making 2022 and 2023 a fruitful year for me.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Over the past month I've had some of the cosmetic procedures done, had what is presumably Omicron, have had an upset stomach the past few days. 

Today I've come to the decision that while it was helpful during this downtime of my life, I've overdone video games the past few weeks and have had my fill so I will be taking a break. Hooray for healthy boundaries!

I'm going to create a list of things I want to achieve during this break and share them here.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

I was thinking of creating a zombie painting and found a reference picture to use.

I had a dream that my mom was the zombie and I was bashing her head in and her hair had fallen out. The scene reminded me of when my parents marriage first started falling apart and my dad beat my moms head in. I woke up scared and sad. Childhood trauma stays with you forever.

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About the guy I was posting about at the top of this page, I lost interest in him.

 

I am going to get Botox.

I'm considering getting filler in my smile lines.

I started the process of seeing a doctor to try to get testosterone boosters.

 

I got laser hair removal on my beard today.

I spent $4k on a TV and Sonos soundbar today.

I also bought a PS5 today and am going to be buying a media cabinet. My goal with the PS5 is to completely lose interest in playing online PC games (even though I've only been playing for an hour or 2 per day lately). I've been socializing more lately, though only electronically. My goal with this shift is to move towards having more of a social life and experiencing things in person. Having brief gaming periods be a relaxing thing on the couch seems more in line with that than being anxious on the laptop. Also the TV is really big and will be much more fun to watch shows on.

I have to reorganize and potentially sell or change some furniture.

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Newest procedure I'm doing is EM Sculpting for my abs (cost $3k)

 

My TV came yesterday and I kind of regret not paying more money for the biggest size but it's still very nice. I just need the soundbar to come as well and I already ordered the media cabinet. The PS5 is coming late next week so I'm trying to do all of my work this weekend.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm starting to really want to move to Dallas Texas, for the sake of my future social and love life.

 

Pros of Moving:

Be around people that are more masculine and a little more badass

Be around people that are more in line with me politically, same point of view on COVID lockdowns and mask mandates

I don't think I will be able to get the quality of life I want by living where I am now, because I can only afford an apartment living alone and not have a car

 

Cons of Moving:

Possibility that my job will not want me to work remotely from a different state, and my current job is very easy, I only worked 3 hours last week but make a respectable salary despite that.

Will need to buy a car

Unclear what my new salary would be if I switch jobs, since the cost of living in Texas is much lower so my salary would adjust downward. It's possible I may be worse off financially but work harder if I switch to a job over there.

Might not find a gym that I like as much as my current one

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I’ve moved onto the second part of laser scar removal which just focuses on lightening the color of the scars, so it’s less invasive and has a lot less downtime. 
 

I got the last set of microneedling done yesterday, the only treatments I have in progress right now are hair removal and scar removal.

 

I'm going to try Botox in the summer.

I’m planning a trip to nyc to see my old friends and a trip to Dallas to see if I want to move there both within the next 2 months.

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