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Fagus

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I had a relapse. I played the last two days.

During the last weeks I thought a lot about a life without gaming. It seems terrifying to me, because "life" is a long time.

So my new approach is to stop playing for the next five days. I'm sure I can do that. This is a much shorter time that doesn't scare me.

 

I found out why I play games. It is because I am scared of my life. Gaming is my safe haven. So for me it is important to improve my ability to deal with my life and reduce my anxiety. I don't find it hard to quit games. There are so many other interesting things in life I could do. But at the moment everything scares me off. I don't feel like I can handle my life. So I play games where I feel safe and everything is simple.

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Hello Fagus Sylvatica!

 

So my new approach is to stop playing for the next five days. I'm sure I can do that. This is a much shorter time that doesn't scare me.

Start with 24 hours. And then next 24 hours. And then next, then next, next, next.

It will be easier to manage and will help you deal with more burning problems for you.

 

 

I found out why I play games. It is because I am scared of my life. Gaming is my safe haven. So for me it is important to improve my ability to deal with my life and reduce my anxiety. I don't find it hard to quit games. There are so many other interesting things in life I could do. But at the moment everything scares me off. I don't feel like I can handle my life. So I play games where I feel safe and everything is simple.

Absolutely. Have you tried to meditate to help reduce your anxiety? 

Good tip. But I recommend something else.

I'll encourage you to get more information on that by yourself.

Here's the first list of TED talks on Social Anxiety:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7tqyim1qhw&list=PLeh2C_be-DjQoaNF3EkfpaLqBEjW6T8C4

You should watch at least 5 of these (There are also offtopic videos, but just skip it)

Watch those and write a recap/thoughts on that here, and I'll give you a brilliant exercise that helped me out in getting rid of social anxiety :)

Of course if you'd like to :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

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This is actually Day 2 again, which makes me quite proud. I've identified some things that make me relapse again and again:

  1. Stress. Gaming is my best method to deal with stress. Since trying not to game stresses me, I need to game in order not to game. That does not work, obviously. So I need to find new ways to deal with stress. There is already some material on that matter from Cam. I tried meditating, which is really hard for me. Going for a walk works much better.  I try to do this daily now.
  2. Need for challenge and measurable growth.  Gaming fulfilled these needs. I've read the 60+ hobby ideas and went for juggling. I bought juggling balls and that's what I'm practicing now. The next thing will be to join a karate club. Is there anything more challenging with lots of measurable growth than juggling and karate? Maybe juggling while punching someone?
  3. The fallacy of moderate gaming. Well, moderate gaming is just a lie. It does not work. There is no moderate drinking for an alcoholic. There is no moderate gambling for a compulsive gambler and there is no moderate gaming for a video game addict. That's sad, but I think I've proven to myself that this is just the truth. I wish someone had told me that before... alright, let's be honest here: I wish I were able to believe this before! But no learning without suffering!
  4. Chaos leads to stress which leads to gaming. I've never been interested in organising my life. I keep my home tidy and I don't forget any obligations. This is not my problem. But I don't know how to organise my day. I just start doing something, then switch to something else. This does more than often end in doing mindless unproductive stuff, even when I manage not to game. And since being unproductive means to feel unsatisfied, I have the urge to get back to my strictly organised gaming life. Games are organised. They tell me what to do next and show me what I've achieved already. I like that. But now I want this in my real life. Luckily, there is advice for this, too. I've read @WorkInProgress new journal about weekly progress and I want to try this kanban thing. At the moment I try trello. This should be good to visualize not only the work I have to do, but also the work I have already done, to keep me motivated. 
  5. Connection. I play video games to feel connected. I'm addicted because of a lack of connection in the real world. This is the most important factor and the most challenging right now. I'm a misfit with strange quirks, I have a strong social anxiety and low self-esteem. Tackling this stuff is possible, but stressful... which urges me to start gaming again.

Well, that's enough for now. In two days I will start this crazy 1000 day challenge with Mad Pharmacist.

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Going for a walk can help a lot. Also just being proactive to prevent stress, by doing things like exercising and meditation (daily) can help a lot. Remember, even if meditation is hard, it's a good representation of your level of mastery in being able to be with yourself. So think of it like this, meditation right now is hard, and that's a reflection of how dealing with stress is hard for you. But as you do it more, you get better and that also translates to you being better at dealing with stress. :)

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┌───────────────────┐

gaming free:  5/1000 days

└───────────────────┘

good things

I went for a walk in the sunshine. A really good method of clearing the fog of thoughts and to calm down. I checked all my learning material to get an general idea of all the subjects I have to learn for the exam. The exam is on the 23rd of march, so I made a timetable of when I want to have done with preparations and start intense learning.

I spent some time learning notes and training juggling. I can juggle for 5 seconds now.

 

bad things

I spent too much time on youtube and mindless browsing.

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I learend jugglingback in times where my Computer was slow to boot. i used the boottimes to throw some balls. It is fun and if you do it consistently you will get pretty solid at 3 ball juggling in no time. If you interested I can link you a few YouTube Videos with easy 3-ball-juggling tricks you could tackle after you can juggle them for over 30 seconds :)

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 ┌───────────────────┐

gaming free:  6/1000 days

└───────────────────┘

good things

I had this mindset of always trying to squeeze another game into every possible moment of free time. This made me come late to meetings or miss my duties. Today I was able to head to work when it was time, prepare dinner for my girlfriend, do all the chores and head to bed early enough to be fit next morning and even read some pages. This will even affect the next day in a positive way!

 

 

I learend juggling back in times when my Computer was slow to boot. i used the boot times to throw some balls. It is fun and if you do it consistently you will get pretty solid at 3 ball juggling in no time. If you interested I can link you a few YouTube Videos with easy 3-ball-juggling tricks you could tackle after you can juggle them for over 30 seconds :)

I would love to do that. I like juggling, because you need to concentrate which makes your mind stop chatting for a moment. It reminds me of my time when I was a healer in MMOs and had to keep a lot of life bars up. Now I changed from life bars to juggling balls ;-)

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Hey thousand days accountability! That feeling of getting things done, is really motivating. Remember that feeling, because it will surely become handy. I really like "building momentum" technique, are you familiar with it? Just remember to balance your working time with relax time and you will achieve even more results!

Greetings, Piotr.

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┌───────────────────┐

gaming free:  8/1000 days

└───────────────────┘

good things

I had my first little success with juggling. I went for a walk and took my juggling balls with be, so I could practise a bit.

I play the accordeon for about 22 years now, but I was never able to learn how to read notes. This made it really hard for me to learn new songs, obviously. I always thought, that juggling and learning notes is something I just can't do. I tried it several times but always failed.This time I tried again, but with a different mentality. I said to myself, that I really want to learn this and that I will find a way. Now I can juggle for half a minute and I can read, although slowly, all the notes. This evening I fetched all my old sheet music and tried some. It was great! I learned three new songs.

 

bad things

I procrastinated again on studying.

 

Hey thousand days accountability! That feeling of getting things done, is really motivating. Remember that feeling, because it will surely become handy. I really like "building momentum" technique, are you familiar with it? Just remember to balance your working time with relax time and you will achieve even more results!

Greetings, Piotr.

Hey Piotr, thanks for your comment. It's great that you are my accountability partner!

That feeling of getting things done is great, but I don't feel it often, because I procrastinate so much. I would love to learn about your "building momentum" technique. It sounds interesting. My balance of working time and relax time is not good, because I relax too much.

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Reading music fluently is quite tough! Also Accordeon! I once knew a German who went to my hometown to study accordeon. I thought he was crazy to leave Germany and come to an underdeveloped town in the northeast of Brazil just to play the instrument!

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good things

I had this mindset of always trying to squeeze another game into every possible moment of free time. This made me come late to meetings or miss my duties. Today I was able to head to work when it was time, prepare dinner for my girlfriend, do all the chores and head to bed early enough to be fit next morning and even read some pages. This will even affect the next day in a positive way!

It's important to notice these positive changes. Well done! 

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Day 13

Gaming is just a symptom. The last days I wrote a lot in my handwritten journal. I began to understand where my present mindset comes from and how it creates the problems I'm dealing with. Tomorrow I want to try meditation with headspace.

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Ah I see my good influence working ;) I have to admit that I didn't managed to get up early enough today to make time for Meditation and Journal. I am trying to hammering in a actual morning Routine that's why I don't allow myself to do this stuff later in the day If I didn't manage to get up in time.

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So this is day 32 of the 1000 days challenge. I have been gaming free on 9 days and played on 22 days. That's not amazing. But I've been able to introduce something new into my life that may reduce the time I spend gaming.

  • I've painted my first acrylic picture. Here you go:
    58a044c387f07_Grne_Berge_im_Meer_klein.t
  • I trained juggling. I can juggle now for about 30 seconds with three balls. Or oranges, lemons, tennis balls... almost anything that is round.
  • I've learned to read notes. Not fluently, but at least I can read them now. Thus I've been able to learn some new songs on the accordeon. Maybe I will record some and show them here.
  • I have 6 weeks left to learn for my state examination in forestry. Tomorrow I will go to a distraction free environment for more focused learning.

 

 

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I quit gaming again. This time it is more like a backwards relapse than a real decision. I can't enjoy them anymore. This meaningless grind and the meaningless rewards they offer.

I finish a round of gaming and ask myself: What has happend in the last hour, what do I remember, how have I felt and where have I been during that time? Has this hour been worth it? I can't answer.

I recognize so many degenerations.
I have anterior pelvic tilt. Was wondering why my back hurts just from walking or sitting. Well, no wonder when I spent most time sitting and in a bad posture.
I can't concentrate anymore. I want easy tasks with a quick reward. If I don't get that, I rather skip it and do something else, like gaming. 
Eating without a screen in front of me is hard. Food is just a distraction. I'm hectic throughout the whole day. Just doing my chores quickly, so I can get back to the screen.
People are just a strain. I let my girlfriend do stuff alone, so I get more time to play games.

But the worst thing of all is the loss of memories. When I play games, I don't create any memories. I remember some golden times with the games I played in my childhood and youth. But they are just a handful and they all involve other people. It has not been about the game but the people I played them with. I don't get any memories from the games I play now.

Just imagine being old and close to death, and there is nothing to remember. No memories to return to. Please grandpa, tell me a story from your life. Sorry I can not, there are no memories. I didn't experience anything but countless hours of meaningless games and I did not have time to get children, wich is why you do not even exist.
Isn't that the worst fate of all?

Hopefully it is not too late to create a few good memories?
 

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Day 2 No Gaming / Day 6 No Porn

So what is the state of my life:

Pros:

  • I am following a healthy plant based diet for almost a year now. But I could cook more regularly.
  • Every second or third day I cycle to a nearby forest and complete a keep-fit trail with equipment for pull-ups, dips etc.
  • For a year and a half I've been writing a real diary. The insights that I gained from it are invaluable.

Cons:

  • I have successfully passed my studies and my practice teachings. But because of my illness I find no employment in this industry. This is one of the reasons for my addictive gaming.I need to find a new job quickly to earn money. After that, I will explore my possibilities for the future. Maybe I'll study again.
  • As already described, I have big problems with my posture, which I would like to tackle quickly.

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