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Fagus

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I was struggling a lot with what I should write to you...

We had been together on this Journey from the very beginning.

And with all the people that got left behind a part of me is thinking: "Well...maybe he just needs more time or another relapse to finally find himself and his solution...maybe he is not ready for it yet."

But we both know that this is not the real problem here.

The real problem is: that you didn't do some parts of your detox right. It seems like you still lack your social component and this is why you crave to play with your "former friends" !?

I always admired how persistent your were during your detox because I had 1-2 smaller relapses during mine, that teached me a lot though.

But let's be honest, do you think that you can still keep on progressing with yourself if you fall back into your old pattern? Do you think that you can gain all the insight that you had now will still be obtainable if you continue gaming all day the way you used to before when you had your "former friends"? Because if you will start it now, then there will probably be no turning back for a while.

Like Reno said,... you know what you have to do.

And even if you have done something wrong during your detox, there is still time to make it right, no?

Whatever direction your decision goes: I'm happy that I have you with me on this journey and I wanted to thank you for that :) 

You have something special about you and it would be a shame if you couldn't live up to your full potential.

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It is Day 83, which means I did not relapse yet.

Thank you SpiNips, Simon and Reno for the encouragement.

Thanks Ed, I can see that your leadership training bears fruit. You are totally right, I still lack on the social part and I will not progress in the same way if I fall back into my old patterns.

I've been thinking a lot about gaming lately. At the moment, I consider trying "moderate gaming" after my 90-day-detox. The last years before the detox, gaming has not been fun most of the time. I used it excessively to numb my sorrows like an alcoholic. But now, with a lot of distance, I see how much joy it has been while I still had played for fun instead of recognition. While I did not try to compensate shortcomings in my real life with achievements inside my virtual life. I'm absolutely clear in my mind, that excessive gaming is toxic and I don't want to fall back into these old patterns. On the other hand, I really miss all the fun I had while gaming. These "former friends" that you've mentioned are people I know since kindergarten and when we all left our parents for university or work, gaming has been the only possibility to stay in regular contact.

It all boils down to the question if I am able to control the time I use for gaming and play only for fun with my friends. None of my friends is an excessive gamer. They all got their work and studies, so if I stop playing alone, the time I spend gaming will be limited by itself.  I don't want to waste my time on mindless browsing and I don't like to watch TV (in fact I don't even own one), so I could as well spent some hours at the evenings gaming with my friends.

I know that my argumentation may be flawed and this may only be my addiction talking in my head. I still got one week left until my detox finishes. Enough time to check everything rational and emotional. I am perfectly aware that there is a high risk involved in moderate gaming and that the progress I've made so far is worth a lot.

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Yeah finish the detox then try if it works for you, I did the same but had to realize pretty fast that this wasn't the case. But I talked with some people who seem to manage it pretty well to play just as long as it is fun and stop afterwards. But this is ok for me because programming is awesome and engaging right now :)

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I miscounted. I've started the detox at august the 4th, so today is already Day 87

Good news: I had a major breakthrough. The last three days, I tried a new approach on fighting my fears:

I surrendered.

I accepted my fears and flaws as part of myself, as something that accompanies me rather something I have to get rid of. This shifted my focus away from myself and on my surroundings. All the years I was sure, that I can only start to fully live if I get rid of those fears and flaws that cripple me. Now I take them with me on my journey to see how they react to everything we encounter and how everything else reacts to them. Fear has transformed into curiosity. I'm just a spectator.

Edited by Fagus
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I miscounted. I've started the detox at august the 4th, so today is already Day 87

Good news: I had a major breakthrough. The last three days, I tried a new approach on fighting my fears:

I surrendered.

I accepted my fears and flaws as part of myself, as something that accompanies me rather something I have to get rid of. This shifted my focus away from myself and on my surroundings. All the years I was sure, that I can only start to fully live if I get rid of those fears and flaws that cripple me. Now I take them with me on my journey to see how they react to the everything we encounter and how everything else reacts to them. Fear has transformed into curiosity. I'm just a spectator.

I am glad you made this discovery. Fears can be absolutely crippeling but even worse in my eyes is the feeling of fighting against something you cant win. Having this relevation you just had is one more important step! I also have fears and axieties. From what I learned many fears are different and there are different ways to deal with them.

How did you make this breakthrough? Was it like a showerthought? Or did you eventually get there by writing your feelings down? Did someone inspire you? :)

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     How did you make this breakthrough? Was it like a showerthought? Or did you eventually get there by writing your feelings down? Did someone inspire you? :)

I've read some books about ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, but this has been the first time, that I've able to implement what I've learned in these books. It is a more advanced form of the common Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, where I try to accept my current situation and anxieties and still follow those goals that are important for me.

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I miscounted. I've started the detox at august the 4th, so today is already Day 87

Good news: I had a major breakthrough. The last three days, I tried a new approach on fighting my fears:

I surrendered.

I accepted my fears and flaws as part of myself, as something that accompanies me rather something I have to get rid of. This shifted my focus away from myself and on my surroundings. All the years I was sure, that I can only start to fully live if I get rid of those fears and flaws that cripple me. Now I take them with me on my journey to see how they react to the everything we encounter and how everything else reacts to them. Fear has transformed into curiosity. I'm just a spectator.

SO GOOD.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So I've hit Day 90 at 1st of november and then tried moderate gaming. It turned out that there aren't many of my friends left inside the virtual world. Almost everyone moved on and only the higly addicted and permanent unemployed stayed. Not the company I'd like to join, to be honest. I tried online games and single played. While it was fun at first, it seems that the detox has impaired my ability to enjoy gaming to the fullest, cause I know how it feels to be "sober".

I may have wasted some days, but I think this has been really valuable, because I know now, that the glorious image of gaming I had in my head does not match reality anymore.

So, let's start with Day 0 today once more.

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  • 1 month later...

At the moment I feel great. I relapsed for about 45 days, but I kept doing my healthy eating. Even during christmas holidays I refused to eat processed stuff, junk food, sweets and all kind of animal food. It takes quite some willpower to resist a huge plate of sweets, but I did it. I wonder, why it is so much harder to resist gaming. My body seems to be thankful though. My chronic disease is in remission for two or three weeks now. This may be the best moment to quit gaming and try real life again.

  • I know my problem is my social anxiety. I know how to deal with it. I just have to do it. I made an appointment with some friends to play a pen and paper rpg. This can be a part of a sufficient replacement for gaming. 
  • Last month I celebreated the 5th year that my girlfriend and I are together. It is still a really good relationship, though I know that gaming takes quite a toll on that.
  • In 3 month I got my final exams. I know that I have to start learning intensly now. If I don't, I will fail the exams and getting a job will be really hard. If I pass with good grades, it is sure that I get an appointment. This should be encouraging enough.
  • I am reading a lot of stoic literature lately. It really matches my thinking. Gaming is something I can't bring in line with a stoic way of life. After all, it slows down my personal development by a great deal.

So let's start with Day 1 now once more. I will try to write in this journal daily.

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Welcome back, Tree-Friend! :D:D

I'm glad to see you here on day 1. Looks like you have the ability to game in moderation after 45 days! Astonishing :)

Btw. what exactly did you learn about your relapse, what was the real cause of that, the trigger that you should avoid?

And btw. zwei what kind of tabletop RPG are you going to play with your friends? :)

Greetings, Mad Pharmacist

 

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Thanks for the warm welcome everyone. I really appreciate it to be back, even if that means having a setback.

I already made it to day 3. So I am super excited.

I met two old friends yesterday and we went eating. During our conversation I realised, that I am really content with my life. I can enjoy all the upsides, while I accept the downsides. Haven't been so happy in a long time.

@hycniejsy I can't game in moderation. That's what I tried during these 45 days of relapse, so I might join you in your epic quest of 1000 days.

The real trigger of the relapse was, that I have still been thinking, that gaming is an important part of my life and I should try gaming in moderation. Even now, I can't imagine to leave gaming behind me completely. But for now it is more important to get a clear head during the 90 day detox and figure out how to deal with this problem.

The rpg I might play is called "the dark eye".

This evening I'm going to leave my parents house and drive to my girlfriend and her parents. I wish everyone a nice day :)

Edited by Fagus
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@hycniejsy I can't game in moderation. That's what I tried during these 45 days of relapse, so I might join you in your epic quest of 1000 days.

The real trigger of the relapse was, that I have still been thinking, that gaming is an important part of my life and I should try gaming in moderation. Even now, I can't imagine to leave gaming behind me completely. But for now it is more important to get a clear head during the 90 day detox and figure out how to deal with this problem.

The rpg I might play is called "the dark eye".

This evening I'm going to leave my parents house and drive to my girlfriend and her parents. I wish everyone a nice day :)

So, welcome to this "epic quest of 1000 days"! :)

There are 3 of us so far, Me, @‌Simon E and you.

Hope this fact will help you in the critical moment.

Clear head is something you're closer to each and every not even day, but each and every second :)

Deal with that.

I with you nice day too!

Mad Pharmacist

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It is Day 5, the day I wanted to play games. I really did. But then I didn't do it, because I imagined how it would be to play and how I would feel afterwards. And I'm sure I wouldn't feel good. Rather bad. Pretty bad.

I know what gaming does and why I need it. I don't want to live my life because I can't deal with it. So I play games. But I feel that this is not the solution but rather an escape. So I play even more to drown this feeling. This way I lose all the time I need to unravel my mind.

Why am I afraid of living my life? It is not a bad life afterall.

 

If I look at Cam and imagine what he would be like, if he had continued playing games...

The worst part about gaming is the loss of time you could spent for personal developement.

 

 

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