Hello Everyone

[JSmith]

Hello Everyone,

JSmith here. Bear with me please. I've had my eye on this site for a few weeks now, watched many of the youtube videos but was unsure of whether or not I wanted to get directly involved. My history with gaming at this point is rather long and complicated. I've been playing games since I was 7 or 8. First it was little online game websites with the occasional low key store bought game, then Runescape in middle school, then The Sims, then all of a sudden I gave into the pressure of a friend who wanted me to try this game called World of Warcraft for so long, then...rest is history. I played WoW and other games because it was a metric crap ton of fun, but I also went through a lot of changes in high school, a lot of things happened. I'm pretty sure towards the end I was playing it as both a source of fun and a coping mechanism because I didn't want to deal with all the junk going on in my life. I didn't realize how bad it was until I went to college. I was doomed from the start.

I was dismissed after my first year, and spent a year away while trying to get back in. It was complete hell (different story). I still played games while doing basically only what was absolutely required to get the grades I needed; I had no intention of quitting because I still needed them just to get by everyday. I was finally readmitted and returned a year ago thinking that just because I left my gaming computer at home everything would be okay. Not exactly. The problem is when you suddenly cut off that coping mechanism now you have to deal with all the problems you buried deep inside, except you have no idea of how. Fell into depression quickly after returning. Or maybe I was already depressed for quite a while, and just wasn't aware of it. One thing I really struggled with was trying to find a relationship, since I had never really been with anyone, and not for lack of trying. And social anxiety. I am a huge introvert.

I tried my best to find other activities. Joined the karate club at school. Signed up with the aerospace organization as well (mechanical engineering major) and even completed a team design project. These activities made me feel good, and the benefits have been outstanding. I also sought out counseling for my depression. But I still struggled with bad habits, including getting heavily into mobile games (Crusaders Quest anyone? More like Addiction Quest. You can spend countless hours AND dollars playing a phone game now, what the hell...) and even turning to roleplaying sites to fill my desire to have a girlfriend, since trying in real life didn't seem to be working at all. But both of those, while offering some instant satisfaction and feel good moments, have also led to immense pain and setbacks. I had to drop a few classes just to keep my gpa high enough to stay, which has delayed my graduation.

Now it's nearing the end of the summer. I've been working at a job on campus, mainly to avoid having to go back home (again different story), and I've been trying to figure myself out. I'm not sure what it is I want or am supposed to be doing anymore. I'm confused as to if I really care about games or am just addicted. I know I was addicted in the past, but I even gave away my gaming rig, yet I still struggled in school, and I still miss those days. But I also have never really tried quitting all the way either. At the start of July I decided to let everything go completely; no mobile games, no gaming streams/videos, no roleplaying, and see how I felt in a month. That was 27 days ago...and I still feel like I'm on a fence. But after reading on here and watching the videos, maybe a month is not enough, so I suppose IF I decided to do the full 90-day detox, I'd be on day 27. 

Anyways, school starts again in about a month and I really want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for me, and not wasting any more time or money. I've tried talking to people, watching many many motivational videos, reading countless blogs/forums, and journaling to figure out what my values are and what I really care about in the world, and what I want to do with my life. But I'm still unsure. I had a dream for something I wanted to do career-wise, but I'm not sure I believe in it enough to go all the way. And now I'm here. This seems like a really awesome and supporting community, perhaps it's what I need. Thanks for reading if you made it this far haha.

- JSmith

 

Edited July 30, 2016 by JSmith

[Cam Adair]

Welcome JSmith! Awesome that you decided to join us here. 

[usernameforworldpeace!]

Hey @JSmith.  Thanks for sharing your story, it was an awesome read.  It sounds like you're doing all the right things finding out about yourself, already you're ahead of so many people who don't take that step!   This is such an amazing community and you will be motivated to improve yourself here.

[AlexTheGrape]

Hi JSmith, welcome to the community!

You have a long history with gaming, but in the same way it'll be a massive turnaround to see yourself succeeding at last. Thanks for sharing your story, it takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there on the internet.

You've made the right choice to start taking things seriously and working out what your values are. Journaling is also a very helpful tool for keeping on track. Kudos to your for starting this journey.

All the best for whatever you choose to do, whether it be just a month away from gaming or the whole 90 day detox.