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Byrdmath's Nongame Odyssey


byrdmath

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Day one.  I deleted a bunch of games from my Steam account yesterday... then i just stopped since i had over 270 and asked myself why i was doing it.  It's because of all the other stuff i want to be doing.    I probably won't post every day, especially if i end up accomplishing all the stuff I WANT to be accomplishing. 

I feel like i've never been without games (i'm in my mid-30's).  I'm used to all the formulas, so lately i've been into those new hybrid games that indie developers have been making, and always immersive rpgs, but not so much online... the big open world ones... and i love those new games they're making with the nes & snes style graphics, and tons of other stuff... I've mostly been a PC gamer, and i have a Steam account on which i've accrued around 270 games over the past 12 years or so.  Also kept up with consoles.  I'll stop there.  

Here's what i wrote in my welcome comments, already...

I really want to try the detox because i'm tired of not being as successful as i know I'm capable of.  I've always been pretty active with creative things.  I work in a creative industry doing pre-production/assistant producing for cool stuff.  I give that job my best, but sometimes I stay up late when i get on a binge-run and can't think clearly the day after... that's about the worst of how it effects my day job.  I've even freelanced as a graphic designer on the side since 2005.  But i never truly meet my full potential because of the huge chunk of time I put into games.  

To others i seem like i'm an achiever, but it's kind of an illusion because i just promote what i DO end up doing as a best practice (though lately my social media has seen less-than-usual proof of creative output).  Others don't know how much time i spend gaming.  I spent about 55 hours last week in addition to working my full time job,hanging out with my wife (should be doing more of that, though) and participating in some volunteer activities.  I used to think i needed to game because i binge worked/created, so i needed to binge game to recharge and balance it out.  I'm sure there's some truth to that kind of balance when you're a creative professional and you tend to binge create and burn out, but it seems that the addictive nature of gaming makes it too volatile to use as a tool in unwinding (for me anyway).

The real problem comes in with how gaming doesn't help me reach my personal goals. I'm not content to get paid to work for someone else's dreams my whole life. I have worlds to create, myself.  Aside from my main job i have an art studio in which i have started numerous projects but haven't moved them forward as much as i should.  I mean, i finished about 10 paintings last year, but none this year.  I started a graphic novel, am working on a children's book with my wife, and last year i just started offering painting commissions.

Great, right?  Problem: My creative sessions are limited to a few minutes at a time because my attention span for things other than games has greatly dwindled...  so my bigger projects move at a crawl, and i'm at risk of petering out and never finishing. I can never seem to make myself promote my creative services, so i don't get commissions.  I don't make myself sketch everyday, so my skills are not where they should be.  I feel like i'm not making the best of my natural talents, and that scares the crap out of me.  I'm 36.  I've got to act now.  Anyhow, besides the stress that comes with ignoring that voice in my head that's saying, "hurry up! You're 36 - time to follow your dreams," I find myself being secretly OK with not reaching my goals, because all i ever want to do is game.  It's my default mind-candy and it's getting worse.  I find myself saying... why not? it's more satisfying than art or anything else.  Ugh, i know it's effected my brain if i'm saying that.

I've got to do something and start turning these other pursuits into the satisfying, rewarding things i know they SHOULD be.

So, yeah... here goes. 

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I got up and went outside with my cat (has been part of a new routine - helps keep me away from reading about or playing games before work).  So has going to my art studio... i'm there now... working on some sketches and planning some pieces before i have to leave at 9:30.  I didn't game this morning.  I'm probably not going to when i get home...

My wife thinks i should give myself 2 weeks to finish an rpg i've put a lot of time into.  We both think the closure could help the detox stick.  I like finishing what i start, and i find it easier to not game after i beat a game.  In 2 weeks she gets a new schedule where she has more free time we can spend together, and that seems like a good limit to set for myself.  She also offered to take care of my Steam accounts for me so i never have to see them again. We will see what happens.  I'm determined to start the detox either way.

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Hi byrdmath!  Nice to meet you, thanks for joining us.  It seems there are a lot of creative people on this forum, it's great!  It sounds like the detox could be really helpful for you so that you can get your attention span back in shape!  It's crazy what today's technology has done to our concentration levels.

I've got to do something and start turning these other pursuits into the satisfying, rewarding things i know they SHOULD be.

 As a fellow-person-who-creates-things  (hi!!) sometimes I feel what I create doesn't add any value to the world so why bother? Why not just play games or have fun on the internet all day….  That's why I remind myself all the time to think of my purpose for creating things. Having this sense of greater purpose (e.g. for me it's creating more peace in the world, creating positive emotions, building community) is what makes creating things more satisfying and rewarding for me! 

 I like this quote I found one day, 

If we are to change our world view, images have to change. The artist now has a very important job to do. He's not a little peripheral figure entertaining rich people, he's really needed. 
-- Vaclav Havel

 

Well. Have a great day.  Look forward to reading more of your entries!!!

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I'm at work.  Every half hour i get the urge to game.  I get like that when i feel overwhelmed.  

Let's brainstorm some ways we can deal with overwhelm without using gaming. Any ideas?

Totally... well, at work, making sure i'm hydrated and listening to music got me some flow back.  I also got away from my desk after a while yesterday, and took a walk when it was really bad and got some sushi.  The option to game isn't really there for me since i don't phone game, and i uninstalled Steam from my Microsoft Surface Pro... but that stuff all helps.  

When i'm at home, and the games are there, finding manual labor around my house to do helps... just the mindless tasks that i can do mechanically helps me forget what i'm craving.

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Hi byrdmath!  Nice to meet you, thanks for joining us.  It seems there are a lot of creative people on this forum, it's great!  It sounds like the detox could be really helpful for you so that you can get your attention span back in shape!  It's crazy what today's technology has done to our concentration levels.

I've got to do something and start turning these other pursuits into the satisfying, rewarding things i know they SHOULD be.

 As a fellow-person-who-creates-things  (hi!!) sometimes I feel what I create doesn't add any value to the world so why bother? Why not just play games or have fun on the internet all day….  That's why I remind myself all the time to think of my purpose for creating things. Having this sense of greater purpose (e.g. for me it's creating more peace in the world, creating positive emotions, building community) is what makes creating things more satisfying and rewarding for me! 

 I like this quote I found one day, 

If we are to change our world view, images have to change. The artist now has a very important job to do. He's not a little peripheral figure entertaining rich people, he's really needed. 
-- Vaclav Havel

 

Well. Have a great day.  Look forward to reading more of your entries!!!

That's a great quote.  

Hey, what you said about thinking, "why bother?" is so true.  When gaming i'm like, "this is so satisfying," and these games have got all this art and production in them, and i can't even comprehend all the work that goes into making them... then i get too overwhelmed by how huge and inaccessible it is for me to make something as interesting, and that "why bother" thought definitely comes into play. 

I HAVE found that the longer i'm away from games, the simpler my view becomes, and i'm not inundated with those complicated thoughts, so i can wrap my mind around what i want to accomplish creatively without getting discouraged.  

Anyway, thanks for your input.  Profound.

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I didn't feel like gaming last night.  Good.  Went to bed early.  I still ended up watching some game trailers though.  I'll do better next time.  I'm still creating the barriers to keep that stuff from getting in front of me.

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I didn't feel like gaming last night.  Good.  Went to bed early.  I still ended up watching some game trailers though.  I'll do better next time.  I'm still creating the barriers to keep that stuff from getting in front of me.

Good job :)

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I felt like finding a new open world game tonight... Instead, researched a new recipe, went grocery shopping and made my wife  green curry chicken and rice.  Turned out ok.  Also worked on the planning stuff found in Respawn a little.  I use Microsoft OneNote for stuff like that... It's an awesome application for organizing. I've been using it for years to organize all my business and personal goals. I highly recommend it.  

I'm going to draw and go to bed.  

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Got home... felt super antsy... wanted to drink of the cup of game.  took my wife out to dinner instead.  We're chilling and having a great time, now...  she wants to watch something funny.  no gaming again tonight.

I'm grateful for:

My cat
my wife
being able to write jokes and get paid
living next to a creek
my coffee mug
a decent scanner
moleskine sketchbooks
eyesight
the squirrels don't get in my walls anymore
my friends

 

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Hey, glad to see you here :)

Got home... felt super antsy... wanted to drink of the cup of game.  took my wife out to dinner instead.  We're chilling and having a great time, now...  she wants to watch something funny.  no gaming again tonight.

That's amazing! I think it's great how others around us also reap the benefits of us quitting games. I'm sure your wife appreciates it.

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I had a pretty full morning.  was busy up until 4:30 pm, around people and everything, and went to my art studio to work on some stuff... bam.  It was like hitting a wall.  I felt mentally tired and all i could think of is, it would be easier to go home and play my latest game fix.   I tried reading and it just bounced off me... even after drinking an iced coffee. I had serious brain fog. So, I sat and thought about the consequences of going home and gaming.  I thought of how i would just play till i fell asleep tonight, and would wake up for work tomorrow feeling un-rested and unfulfilled, and angry at myself for not working on the projects that would build my own equity and my own business.  So i decided to go out into the lobby (no one is here in the offices i sublease from) and took a nap... just a half hour.  I came back into my studio and felt like i could at least read... so that's good.  And here i am on the forums.  

I'm reading all of you (my fellow quitters) experiences.  It's helping me regain focus and stimulating my mind a little.  I actually feel like reading is making me feel like being creative.  It's weird how you forget stuff like that when your addiction keeps you experiencing this kind of stuff over the years.  I'm still kind of out-of-it.  It's hard to pick which action i'm going to do next.  I think i'll just work on the lists, and tighten up my schedule as suggested in "Respawn" some more.  

Every day has these moments that are such a struggle without gaming.

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Yes and you also want to think about how you can take a break without using gaming so the next time you are desiring a rest gaming isn't your automatic go-to.

Otherwise, great job being mindful today and making good choices. Keep doing that!

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At work I had a bit of the ol' brainfog, but i still got a decent amount done.  I did take a short nap when i got home.  Awoke, went food shopping.  Made wife dinner. Went running, took a cold shower, and updated my behance.net & linkedin profiles.  I'm probably going to sketch and go to bed.  Not much in the way of urges to game today, but super low energy and irritable.  Not feeling very creative but i'm going to sketch anyway.  

Edited by byrdmath
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At work I had a bit of the ol' brainfog, but i still got a decent amount done.  I did take a short nap when i got home.  Awoke, went food shopping.  Made wife dinner. Went running, took a cold shower, and updated my behance.net & linkedin profiles.  I'm probably going to sketch and go to bed.  Not much in the way of urges to game today, but super low energy and irritable.  Not feeling very creative but i'm going to sketch anyway.  

As Steven Pressfield talks about in The War of Art, you must practice your craft regardless of how you feel. :)

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As Steven Pressfield talks about in The War of Art, you must practice your craft regardless of how you feel. :)

Definitely.  I'm always thinking of the way he talks about being "a professional."  I've got to do it.   No excuses.  Proactive. 

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Hey byrdmath, your journal is quite inspiring. You're really toughing it out despite how you're feeling. That's a strong indication that you've made a real decision to quit, because a decision isn't a decision without action, and your choices reflect that. Don't know that I'd be as strong in your position, lots of respect for you man.

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It's been hard with the brainfog, but eating well is helping i think, and there are moments of clarity.  Trudging through...

I have been making myself do more art... did this instead of game last night... 
"Her attendant brings news of foul deeds"

Attendants-Bring-News-brite-smallweb.png

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I met some friends after work on Friday and drank a little too much.  Felt gross the next day.  This led to feelings of depression, guilt, and anxiety.  Forgot to take magnesium since i was in such a fog.  That is proven effective for negative thoughts during hangovers.  But what the heck!?  Why would i get hung over in the first place?  FYI, i am definitely not the kind of person that has made a habbit of this.  I'm especially going to avoid this, as it's a trigger to wanting to game for sure... I mean, it's not good for you anyway, so i'm avoiding it for lots of reasons.  Anyway, I resolve to stay mindful of what i'm eating and drinking during this detox so i can stay feeling healthy and thinking healthy. 

I cleaned up around the house and cooked for my wife yesterday.  I didn't finish any artwork... though i framed one of older my pieces when i remembered i was participating in a small show this week.  I also practiced digital painting.  Man, that's challenging for me... all the options in digital painting programs make it hard to focus or something.  So many tools available.  I have to simplify my toolset and rely on my foundation knowledge so i don't get sidetracked by all of it.  I noticed yesterday that when i hit those especially hard challenges (like with painting), i especially feel like going back to doing the things that are a quick dopamine fix.  

Also, I especially feel impatient the days following drinking too much.  Don't know why i did it.  I could just punch myself in the stomach.  I've got to just put it behind me and move forward and stay healthy.  No sense kicking myself and feeling down.  

This morning i didn't go to church with my wife since my stomach was STILL messed up from Friday... though i was able to call and listen (they have this phone thing for people who can't attend).  After that, just now i was learning new features in photoshop.  But my mind is just in a gray state...  Learning feels overwhelming.  It's hard to picture things in a positive light, and it's hard to picture accomplishing anything.  I'm in the house, i'm feeling kinda anxious, and i don't want to move.  I feel like ceasing to exist.  Everything seems too hard.  This feeling is very familiar. It's been the catalyst for years of therapy and working on myself to deal with moments like these, and i've learned a lot of tools to work through it, but it never gets easy.  I can name it for what it is, and label it as irrational , and triumph over it... but it's still a challenge to take the first step, and sometimes I just have to concentrate on one foot moving in front of the other till it passes, or till I resort to popping pills (legally).  I don't take an antidepressant because it tends to hurt my creativity which is worse for my depression than anything, and because i've found that keeping a balanced diet, and avoiding certain behaviors is extremely effective.  Before i figured this out about myself, it lasted weeks and would happen all the time... now it comes in shorter bursts less often, and i know the wicked cycles gaming enforces has made it worse.  Also finding that my depression is linked to a snowball effect that all starts with anxiety has helped me a lot.  I can now zero in on other ways to stop that snowball effect when i first notice it - namely a low benzo dosage - which usually happens under 5 times a month, so it's manageable.  I wonder if that will start to go away as i detox from gaming.

Anyway, I suppose i'll go do manual labor - the house needs vacuuming and stuff... that's one of the best ways I've found to get momentum when i'm in a bad place.  Plus, my wife will like it.  

Edited by byrdmath
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Hey you seems to be hard on yourself. Sometimes you slip besides better knowledge. For me personal alcohol is a substance which just leads to loss of control. You don't make the same decisions after two beers as you would have done after zero. Sometimes it is very healthy to forgive yourself you wrongs. Everyone has them and it can be very exhausting to think about them and feel angry all the time. An analogy I like, is puppy training. Your will and ability to do things that are good for you but hard, are like a learning puppy. It needs a lot of time and calm and friendly(!) and consequent(!!) leadership to create a good trained dog. You wouldn't shout at a puppy, because then it gets scared and is unable to learn. You put him away from bad things instead, and say many nice words if it does something good. If you can change your attitude in this wa,y it takes a lot of pressure from you and let you enjoy the process of developing yourself more.

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Hey you seems to be hard on yourself. Sometimes you slip besides better knowledge. For me personal alcohol is a substance which just leads to loss of control. You don't make the same decisions after two beers as you would have done after zero. Sometimes it is very healthy to forgive yourself you wrongs. Everyone has them and it can be very exhausting to think about them and feel angry all the time. An analogy I like, is puppy training. Your will and ability to do things that are good for you but hard, are like a learning puppy. It needs a lot of time and calm and friendly(!) and consequent(!!) leadership to create a good trained dog. You wouldn't shout at a puppy, because then it gets scared and is unable to learn. You put him away from bad things instead, and say many nice words if it does something good. If you can change your attitude in this wa,y it takes a lot of pressure from you and let you enjoy the process of developing yourself more.

Thanks so much for this good reminder, WorkInProgress. I will remember this as i move forward.

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