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Remigjus

Remigijus Journal

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I've got into a car accident today.  Man my consciousness is eating me alive right now. It fucking pisses me off that because of my stupidity my mom had to cover up my mess. It wasn't cheap. Even tho my mom says that it's no big deal that a car is just a peace of metal and money is a thing that you can earn back, it still eats me from the insides. When I think about it, that the money that she'd spent to cover up the damage done to the other person coulda been used for some other stuff ( I guess it was for my new car). I just want  burst in tears lol.
She says  that she ain't angry at me/disappointed , and I feel that she means it. It's like she's not worried about it at all and I'm the one who's loosing his mind right now. But god damn I was fucking retarded. Why I was rushing things out ? Why didn't I stop to check if there was a car coming from my right? This day was already messed up from the start, why did I even sit behind the wheel? GOD DAMN IT. Why did the other idiot had to speed so much. Stupidity at it's finest. It's so fucking hard to forgive myself. My only sympathy right now is that time heals all wounds.... And how the fuck am I supposed to even get my drivers license after this experience.

 

( Here in Lithuania  you can drive with a family member that has drivers license while you're learning).

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Of course she's not. Man, it's winter, you're from Eastern Europe, driving without license, it's just your cultural background don't be so hard on yourself. -_-

Seriously now, take care Rem! Shit happens. You can either be angry and not go near a car forever or prove that fucking box with wheels who's boss.

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Dudeee, I know how you feel... I had a car accident two weeks ago. Oh and I crashed my motorbike a month before that!

So many "What ifs" go through your head. It does cost money and it does suck balls.

But seriously, be grateful for no one being hurt. Be grateful from what you can learn from this experience and how it will help you to prevent incidents in the future which could be worse.
Only on Tuesday someone from my work was involved in a crash and is now in an induced coma.

Bro you can pull through this, you have to. Worrying about it and stressing over it will do you no good, trust me.

Keep your chin up dude :)
 

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Passed my drivers test last Friday. Thank fucking god everything is over. I can  live at ease now :D  I'm so  happy that I've passed it. It was  hell of a ride for papa Rem here. With that whole accident thingy I wasn't sure how the heck am I supposed to sit behind the wheel again. I was stripped of my confidence. But I was driving the next day lmao, and the day after and so on... I was doing it till I started to feel comfortable behind the wheel again, even tho it still feels like I'm bout to have a heart attack whenever I'm driving through that same exact location where the accident happened :D.

About the drivers test:

The anxiety level on the test day was worse than "his palms are sweaty" :D . Seriously there was  this one moment when I thought that  I was gonna throw up at the  waiting room. I manage to calm myself down for some time,  but after a few mins everything starts  to be nerve-wracking again. An emotional roller coaster in short. But I did super well during the test ( only 1 minor mistake). Had an insane dopamine rush when I passed. Felt so frieking happy. I guess that's  the feeling of achieving something that you've put a ton of effort to. Geez it's so hard to believe that everything is over.. No more tests  no more f*cking driving lessons with  my instructor. I can loudly say : Fuck ya'll Driving Test Centers and Fuck ya'll Driving Schools!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!B|

Jokes aside, I'm kinda grateful for this experience. It taught me a lot about failure, that it takes some time to achieve success etc.  

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Man, I have a fucking burning sensation in my chest. It feels like I am literally being eaten out from the inside. This is the feeling of uncertainty.  My life is a crossroad right now, I wish I could say that I am wandering, but I’m not. I have no clue what to do  with my life at the moment. I think I’ve hit the period of identity crisis. WOW, how many times am I going to use the word “I” in this entry.

Things ain’t going well for me, I mean, they are not going at all. It’s my fault and I am just venting out. You see I am like one month away from  graduating high school and I still ain’t got no fucking clue what I’m gonna do with my time on this planet. You see, the main reason why I have quitted gaming because I wanted to be a rapper. I was in love with the HipHop culture and it basically became a part of who I am. But my low amount of dedication and will power combined with the never procrastination cycle made a deadly poison which started slowly but surely to kill me over time. And I think today was the day when it did its job. I am mentally tired of the music that gave a spark to my life. Because I’ve always had high expectations for myself. I no longer seem too like it.  Mainly because I was slacking 80% of the time when it came down to making music, that I got so tired of myself being lazy that my passion is gone. It’s all my fault, that I’ve never stepped out of my comfort zone and told everyone who I want to be, that I’ve chose to hide my music  from my family members and friends. It’s my fault that I’ve never made moves. HipHop was the foundation of a better life and a new me, but now since it’s gone everything is collapsing. God, I remember I promised myself  that I’d stop listening to music in general   if I decided to quit my dream.

Besides the music stuff, I have no clue what to study or what to do whatsoever.  One of my friends chose the option to join the army for 9months and he keeps offering me to come with him, and I gotta say that’s a tempting offer  since I’d get some cash and get my name of  the military draft list, but I’m no patriot nor I give a crap about the 3k euros that I’d get. Plus I feel like  a part of me still wants to do music. I hate myself for not doing anything.

Things ain’t going well in my family too (shit hit the fan when I turned 16 or something). There’s 6 people that live in my house and everyone hates each other. This house if full of screams and shouts and anger/hatred that I can’t take it anymore. I basically chose to block myself out from everyone. I wish I had a place of my own. The type of shit that I’ve seen in my family is way to fucking much.  I get tired of people sometimes and their problems, because that’s all what I hear most of the time.

I feel like I am dying inside, according to Cam sometimes growth feels as if you were dying , I hope this is the case. I’m desperate for a somekind of  change in my life. I’m so jealous for the kids that can get back home to a quiet peaceful home. Where everyone loves each other. Man, it feels like for the past two years I’ve been walking on egg shells. I don’t think that I can get my ass into a university or college since basically I’ve stopped studying because of rapping,but now since this idea is fading away…. I am so afraid of what lies ahead of me. I’ve got less than a month for the exams. This uncertainty is creating this awful feeling. Geez I hope that someday I’ll be re-reading this entry again and just have a simple laugh at it, with the fact in mind that things weren’t so bad after all.

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