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Sashiku

My Journal ~ A New Beginning

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~~~Day 7~~~

Yesterday was spent on the couch all day.

My fever is finally gone though thank goodness. Being sick was actually a bit of a good thing though. The constant boredom made me want to do other things like taking walks, studying japanese, and reading a book I've neglected. I am so excited to get this day rolling.

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Great that you are feeling better. Boredom can be a driving force.  In the age of mobile Internet we forget how to be bored. Every short break is filled with surfing, watching and consuming.

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Congrats on your DAY 7, Sashiku!

I'm glad you're still feeling exuberant about starting a new day!  And it really is exciting when you think about it.  YOu can fill up your day with activities that you're truly interested in, and over time, you'll begin to notice how much progress you are making.  It's one day at a time, that's the secret to success.  :)

Sincerely,

Danni

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Thanks guys. I appreciate all your comments, support and suggestions. :)

~~~Day 8~~~

Turns out I have a sinus infection. I did have a low grade fever yesterday so I did lay in bed a bit. I'm in a little pain but not too bad and I can't walk for very long without feeling weak so all of my current time is spent watching movies or looking over my doll collection. Still no gaming. Though i have had more vivid dreams and daydreams about games I've played. I figured out another huge reason I played is because of the stories. I have always been in love with characters, and scenarios, even before I played games. I used to be an avid reader and even got awards in school for having a college reading level. I suppose I always wished books were more interactive but now that I think about it, I loved imagining the characters for myself and making things look in my mind how I wanted them to look. Games took part of my imagination away and maybe that is why I loved games where you could create things. Creation is my specialty and my absolute favorite thing to do. I used to write stories for my dolls as a kid and have them act out what I had written. I even made up plays but my siblings never took them seriously, so I stopped. I have a lot of comic ideas now. Sometimes I wonder if anyone else on the planet has an imagination as big as mine.

Anyway, sorry for writing so much. The sitting around is really starting to get to me but I can't do anything about it till I am better.

Good note: We may be caught up on bills by next month! I am crossing my fingers. :) Its so hard to get ahead when you've lost so much. I'm not too upset about it anymore though. Things happen.

Edited by Sashiku

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I hope you recover soon.

.Sometimes I wonder if anyone else on the planet has an imagination as big as mine.

So do I  :D. (meanwhile Tolkien laughing)

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I hope you recover soon.

.Sometimes I wonder if anyone else on the planet has an imagination as big as mine.

So do I  :D. (meanwhile Tolkien laughing)

Awesome. :)

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~~~ WARNING, THERE COULD BE TRIGGERS IN THIS POST. READERS BEWARE. ~~~

~~~Day 9~~~

I don't know how to make spoiler text. :I

 

Nothing new to report, still too sick to do much of anything. I've got a nasty sinus infection.

I had another dream last night. Here is a quick storyboard of what happened.

 

*Watching a Markiplier gaming video*

That looks like SO much fun!

Why am I quitting?

Quitting seems so stupid when I could be having fun with my friends again.

I never got to play Michonne yet. Oh! And everyone will be so let down if I don't play undertale like I promised I would.

Maybe I should quit quitting.

Nobody will know. I can go back to gaming right now and everything will be back how it was before I made the stupid decision to quit.

 

Then I woke up. UGH. I literally HATE these dreams. They make everything so much harder because I really DID want to play those games and do miss my friends BUT they haven't won yet. That is because I know gaming put me on a self destructive path and I can't let that continue. Plus I've already made new friends here and my family is really proud of me for even trying.

Anyway, that's really all I have. I hope the dreams stop soon.

Going to try Cam's suggestion of keeping a gratitude journal.

Edited by Sashiku

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Going to work on something for "spoiler" text for the forum. Hopefully in the next update we can have spoiler text + badge counter.

The dreams will go away over time. After my last breakup I had them for 3 weeks every night. It was hard but I got through it. You can too!

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Hi there!

So I'm trying to read other people's journals and maybe give some words of encouragement instead of just lurking (hopefully I can get some more people to read my journal as well), and I just wanna say that I'm quite impressed with what you are doing. It seems that you have struggled with adversity, but it doesn't stop you from trying to improve your quality of life. That's a really great attitude you have towards life, instead of trying to blame the universe for all the shit that we go through (I'm guilty of that :/). I guess I wanna say that you should keep going strong and things will only get better for you :)

 

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Hi there!

So I'm trying to read other people's journals and maybe give some words of encouragement instead of just lurking (hopefully I can get some more people to read my journal as well),

 

Great to see you posting a bit more, Paul.  I think it helps a person stay focused, and also creates a solid net-working system of accountability.  I find that I don't have time to read everyone's posts, but the journals I follow, I try to respond at least once a week.  I'll be adding your journal to my list and am looking forward to reading about your progress.  Good work!  :)

Danni

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Hey there Sashiku,

I've been following your journal for a wee bit, and I'm hoping you're feeling alright.

Feel free to send me a private message if you want an Accountability Partner.  I am female myself, and I'm 62 days into my Detox.  I don't mind private messaging through this forum, or email.  I am a fairly consistent individual, and you can certainly read my journal if I'm the right fit for you.  No pressure at all.  Your goals and interests are unique to you, and we may differ in that respect.  However, if the goal is to kick-start and maintain a new lifestyle, then I'm more than willing to help you out with that.

Sincerely,

Danni

Edited by Dannigan

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Thank you guys! I really appreciate all of your support! I really do appreciate all of your comments and thoughts on my situation and goals. You've all really inspired me so much!

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~~~Day 10-11~~~

My sickness seems to have gotten a lot worse and I'm heading to the doctor soon for some antibiotics for this sinus infection.  Losing a lot of sleep but still no gaming. I'm not eating well either. The inability to do anything physical has made it difficult to not think about gaming but I haven't thrown in the towel yet. The urges are pretty strong though and having to lay around being bored out of my skull is just fueling the fire. Sometimes they are so strong I think I'm going to lose, but then I immediately snap back to reality and go talk to my family. Its been hard to sleep due to constant coughing and difficulty breathing so I've spent many nights on the internet watching random documentaries and cat videos till the symptoms calm down enough to sleep. I just wish the infection would go away already. It has put a complete stop to everything I had planned. If I had been well, my entire house would be clean by now and I'd be doing yoga routines by now as well. I would read but my eyes are so red and swollen and water so much that I don't think I could.

I suppose I'm just quite frustrated.

Edited by Sashiku

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My brother left the car in the middle of nowhere with the keys locked inside. Because of this, I can't get the antibiotics I need. And because of that, I'm not getting any better. I am so so so miserable. I'm about to give in till I'm better just to have something I can do while sitting still. I'm so tired of laying around but unfortunately, I can't seem to do much else since I am barely sleeping still. I wake up every evening after coughing and struggling to sleep all night and end up sleeping all day. My eyes are always glued shut from the constant watering. The constant coughing isn't helping and the sore throat is only making it worse. I honestly don't know what to do. My friend Jamie brought me the medicine because of the lack of having a car and while that helped some, antibiotics are required to get better. My mom got better with them. I'm going into week 2 of being sick now. I don't know how much more boredom and sickness I can take before I break.

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~~~ Intro ~~~

So, the day is over. It wasn't that hard because I've gone a day or two before. I think the real hardship will begin in a few days when i start feeling the need to play them again. But, I won't let it get me this time..

So, I just finished uninstalling every steam/origin/other game I had and already noticed one up side. I was running out of disk space due to all the games and only had about 200GB left. Now? I Have 700GB of 950GB. :) My drawings take up a lot of room because they are all PNG format as I'm a digital artist so i was getting worried that I would run out of room. Feels nice to see so much memory on my hard drive. Not only that but my desktop is no longer cluttered. its nearly empty which is a nice feeling. I also got rid of my Nick Valentine Desktop image and used an anime one instead. It was hard because Nick Valentine is my favorite video game character of all time, but I did it.

I also noticed I still had blender installed. I have always been in love with 3D modeling and animation, maybe I can pick back up learning how to use it again. I aspired to be an animator at one time but I knew it was impossible though... My eyesight isn't the best so I don't think it could ever happen. Instead, I want to be an artist who sells commissions and maybe a translator. I took Japanese in college before I dropped out a couple of years ago and I loved it. I was actually going to join the honors society a few months before really bad things happened in my life and I went to gaming to avoid thinking about them. The first thing was my mother nearly getting beat to death by my brothers ex girlfriend who was addicted to some sort of drug. The cops say if I hadn't been there to pull that girl off her that she may very well have died. That sort of responsibility also stressed me out. I felt like I was responsible for my mothers well being when I couldn't even take care of myself.

The second thing was very recent, in January actually. I was saving up money for property taxes and had most of it when... it all got stolen. 2000$ poof, gone. This was another thing that made my gaming worse. I didn't know how to deal with my life at all so for years I just blocked it out.

Anyway, back to the present. I am going to clean my house tomorrow... It is horrible. There are dishes everywhere, clothes on the floor, and clutter as far as the eye can see. My desk is a mess too and my poor pet bird's cage is pretty dirty. I feel so bad about all of it. I took such good care of my house before everything. I can't wait to see it clean again.

Well, that is all for today. Goodnight~

 

~~~Day 1~~~

I slept most of the day. I watched a bunch of documentaries last night *a common ritual when I'm nervous about something* mostly because I wasn't tired at all. Which is very very odd. I have hypothyroidism so I am usually horribly exhausted unless I take my medicine daily *which I forget 50% of the time*. But last night I wasn't tired in the least and went to bed at 7am. I am going to stop watching if I can and go color or doodle with a pencil or maybe do a puzzle. I am already finding all sorts of things I want to do with my time now. I have a small list of little things to do when I'm bored and big things to do as goals. Hoping after I get this place clean I can start doing yoga. I also have mild scoliosis so my spine curves inward slightly which yoga I feel will help me with a lot. Sitting for years has made walking around for short distances very painful. Painful enough I have to sit down till the pain stops. This means sitting down in the middle of grocery stores.. which is horridly embarrassing. I am going to go start on my living room. If I can get one room done a day, I will be happy.

Enjoyed this intro and may this detox bear good fruit. :)

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Hi Sashiku.  I've really enjoyed following your story and journal so far.  It sounds like you're on a low at the moment -  I just want you to know that whatever happens, and whatever you choose to do, we will all support you on your journey!!! I just know that you're going to have an incredible journey! 

I also love creating stuff!!!!  I so enjoyed checking out your art in your "Sashi's Art" thread. I really like your style, and hopefully you'll have more time to do it without games!

By the way, I also use Habitica and don't see a problem with it, because it's not addictive to me and actually helps me be more productive.  

 

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Day 15?

I have no idea what day I am on now as It's been about a week and a half of being sick now. I am FINALLY starting to feel a bit better and actually slept properly without coughing last night. I feel more rested so I should be able to start doing things again soon.

I played my 3DS.. for about 2 minutes yesterday before I was bored. Being so sick and unable to do anything really threw me off and put me in a bad place but for the most part, I didn't give in. I don't really consider my 3DS to be one of my issues as I barely play it but I still want to get over gaming in general before I use it much.

Edited by Sashiku

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Hi Sashiku.  I've really enjoyed following your story and journal so far.  It sounds like you're on a low at the moment -  I just want you to know that whatever happens, and whatever you choose to do, we will all support you on your journey!!! I just know that you're going to have an incredible journey! 

I also love creating stuff!!!!  I so enjoyed checking out your art in your "Sashi's Art" thread. I really like your style, and hopefully you'll have more time to do it without games!

By the way, I also use Habitica and don't see a problem with it, because it's not addictive to me and actually helps me be more productive.  

 

:D Thanks so much for taking time to read! I try to follow a few journals as well but lately I haven't been able to sit here and read much. I hope once I am well that I can get back to how things were. I must say I have lost some confidence and motivation though but I am sure I'll regain it once I have recovered. I also want to get back to drawing daily. I really liked doing that.

And yea, Habitica is really good for me too. I was doing so well before I got sick. I am about 30 coins from getting a sonic blast. :P 

Edited by Sashiku

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Day 18
 
First off, I'm SO sorry for not being very active. It's been a difficult month in many ways.
 
 
Sigh, I'm not doing so well but I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. Being sick threw me off so badly, I feel it will be another few days before I am motivated enough to do anything. My dreams are getting worse too. Right now I am lacking focus. I just wander around my house now wondering what I should do and pretty much end up doing nothing. Before I got sick I was motivated and had spare energy to boot. When I was starting to feel better, it's almost like I woke up from a really long nap and now I'm kind of just "Meh". Not taking my thyroid medicine for 10 days definitely isn't helping my "meh" mood, leaving me sleeping 13 hours a night and just generally feeling foggy headed. I wish I hadn't gotten sick so soon after I decided to quit. It really messed things up. I had all these plans for the next day. I was going to do so many things like yoga and exercising and walking the roads... The day after that is when i woke with a fever. Sometimes life really pisses me off.
 
I'm so out of it that not even drawing sounds like fun. I really hope this state of mind goes away quickly. I am gonna go walk in a few minutes anyhow. Maybe the fresh air will help me clear my head.
Edited by Sashiku

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