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Sir Tot (Adam)'s Journal


SirTot

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Day 10

Okay, Confession time. I reinstalled Warframe today and decided to jump into a session. I did it for two reasons:

1) Because the urges are getting worse every day

2) Because I want to know what it feels like to play a game after detoxing for a period of time

Now... Warframe was a game I was absolutely addicted to before I decided to join the forums and detox. Hell, it IS the reason why I decided to detox. At one point I played the game for 10 hours in one day.

After a 90-minute installation, I loaded the game up. I then cashed in on bonuses I received while offline, checked out my pet that matured while I was offline, and claimed items that were being crafted while I was offline. I was all set. Ready to go kick ass with new variety from the hard work I previously put in before I decided to detox. I was all set for getting a good taste of what I had been missing, and what I had been craving.

Warframe is a very fast-paced game which requires a lot of concentration and a lot of button-pressing. As I was playing during heated moments in battle, my hands and fingers gripping the controller felt reluctant. I didn't want to invest myself into this. I was telling myself as I was shooting and slashing up the bad guys that this is just a pointless game. The obsession which led me to spend numerous hours on this game at every free moment of my days had disappeared.

I quit the game, uninstalled it once again, and shut off my PS4. I don't care to return to the game anymore.

I only played the game for 30 minutes, tops.

Not once did I actually enjoy playing.

Not once did I think that anything I was doing was worth my time. In fact, everything felt pointless. There is no real goal and no real motive to throw more of my life into this game. I realized that I am ready to move on in my life away from gaming.

So... I don't know if this is truly a case of relapsing. While I did reinstall and boot up the game, I did not return to obsessive behavior. I quit the game and uninstalled it in 30 minutes of playing as opposed to wasting numerous hours. Perhaps I did it just to get a quick fix in... and maybe that's all I needed. Perhaps I haven't shown myself the strength to quit gaming altogether, and I am still vulnerable to relapsing. Perhaps this really is a relapse and I'm reluctant to call it that.

Can anyone please give me some feedback as to how I should interpret what happened today?

Edited by SirTot
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What needs did this game fulfil for you? Was it the social aspect? Often times games give easy superficial social contact which could be satisfied by easy other ways (like calling/meeting friends/family and have a talk) Often times think  people don't want to spent time with me or I would disturb them if I call. But in 90% of the cases they enjoy the fact that I spent time and effort on them.

Honestly, the only thing I liked about the game was that it was a very action-oriented game. You can literally run, slide, jump across rooms and off of walls while shooting and hacking and slashing swarms of enemies. Games offer me the feeling of being empowered in a fictional sense. That's one thing I've always loved about games: You can assume the role of anyone and feel badass from it. I've loved being immersed in games for that reason.

Outside of a few friends I'd play games with in the evenings, I never really consider the social aspect of games. I typically preferred playing by myself for my own sense of immersion.

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In my opinion that was a slip not a relapse. You are still committed and if it personally doesn't feel like relapse here is no sense in beating yourself up and resetting your counter. Mhh adrenaline as motivation to game ... . That is totally different then what I was going through but you could maybe try something like paintball/ climbing. This are the two action based activities I enjoyed the most as i tried them.

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Day 11

I'm a bit late for yesterday's entry because I'm now working an overnight shift for a few days this week. I had a couple of relapses into porn yet again. To be honest, I haven't let it bother me as much, as my day has been productive outside of that. I admit that I did not get out of the house aside from working over night, but I was very proud of the animation I put the hours into and created yesterday: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FzmBdlG9Pmg

It was a passing idea I had at the time, and upon commitment, I went to work on it right away. I was watching the VFX reels of The Force Awakens and thought how awesome it would be to create a chase animation in 3D. I started by using a simple flying saucer-shaped piece of geometry as a placeholder for a ship, but then I remembered the Millennium Falcon and Tie Fighter models I created many years ago that I never used for anything. I found out a way to import them and went right to work. Many hours later, after deciding to commit to an idea as opposed to procrastinating through gaming until I forget the idea altogether, I created my first 3D animation that I can present to people for the first time in many years. Since I began detoxing from gaming while connecting with supporting people in the process, I've begun to realize just how much I've neglected myself and my career goals and replaced them with the guilty, unhealthy pleasures of non-stop gaming during my spare time.

It seems that my urges to play games are gone. It is a passing thought to me that perhaps, despite all of the hours I've wasted in playing games, the stronger addiction this entire time has been in pornography. I will say this, however: I've definitely had an addiction to gaming as well, and perhaps I've finally come to the understanding that it's a complete time-waster. Detoxing from gaming and joining these forums has motivated me within a week or so that gaming is truly not a valuable hobby in my life anymore- especially since I've realized that so much of my time and potential has been wasted, so to speak. I know that I am a very talented person who has so much potential to have a lot of great things going for him. To realize that I have been the opposite, and knowing that many other people in this world are going through the same issues has inspired me to realize that this addiction is more real and more serious than I ever understood it to be. I found it astonishing just how quickly this game I had constant urges and thoughts into relapsing over become completely boring and useless after a week of detoxing from it.

I will not deviate from my journal entries or from my presence on these forums, as I can still relapse someday down the road. Many times have I fooled myself into thinking that I don't need something because I've done without it for an extended period of time; and yet I end up relapsing back into it at some point. The 90-day detox is still a goal of mine as much as my career goals are. Everything goes hand in hand, and I'd rather stay committed.

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Nice one.I liked the camera movement.


Being new to the detox aswell(Well i had a good run in the past but I relapsed), I'm impressed(once again) on how not playing games expands my real life "vision".Because indeed a game is really boring and useless compared to real life.

About day 10, I don't consider a 30 minutes play a relapse either.Although I hope it won't happen again, I think it's normal in a way, some days you just won't have the willpower to resist.It happens to succesfull people too.The key is to be prepared for those moments.That's why everyone here is removing games and accounts.

  

May the force be with you! 

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Nice one.I liked the camera movement.


Being new to the detox aswell(Well i had a good run in the past but I relapsed), I'm impressed(once again) on how not playing games expands my real life "vision".Because indeed a game is really boring and useless compared to real life.

About day 10, I don't consider a 30 minutes play a relapse either.Although I hope it won't happen again, I think it's normal in a way, some days you just won't have the willpower to resist.It happens to succesfull people too.The key is to be prepared for those moments.That's why everyone here is removing games and accounts.

  

May the force be with you! 

Many thanks. :)

Day 12

Today's entry will be short since my day has been uneventful. Had a couple of storms pass through today, and I'm wiped out from the overnight shift last night. I'm still in the middle of adjusting my sleep schedule for tonight and the following days. I honestly haven't felt like doing anything, and I've just been relaxing at home. Watched TV, listened to music, tweaked my animation a bit, and surfed the internet. No relapses today. All is well.

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How have the past few days been?

Pretty tiring, honestly. lol Didn't get around to write a journal entry yesterday.

Day 13, 14

I've been dealing with anxiety when job hunting. I always have conflicting thoughts whenever I'm searching for work in my career because I'm always thinking back and forth between whether or not I qualify for the jobs I actually want to apply for. I was placed in a pretty bad mood during my search, and by the time I had to leave for work I didn't end up applying to any of the jobs I looked at. It's pretty stupid, but I guess I'm just dealing with confidence issues when presenting myself in front of people in an interview. The opportunity to make a difference in every way that matters in my life is shrouded in fear for no real reason. I'm going to break through it, though. I've been practicing my artwork, and I'm beginning to remember that not only am I talented in different areas of digital art, but I'm slowly getting my skillset back as I continue practicing drawing/animating. A lot of my time outside of that has been spent working overnight and being tired for much of the day, so nothing eventful has happened. I'm all finished with the overnight shifts for the week, so I should be able to get back to my typical routine.

Today I came home from work early in the morning, slept for a while, woke up, got a haircut, and spent the rest of my afternoon digital painting and animating my projects.

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Baby steps. When it comes to job hunting, if you can just work at it one baby step at a time you'll get there. Have you read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown yet? if not, I bet that book will help you a lot right now.

Yes, I have that book as matter of fact! I read it a long time ago, though. I should give it a second read.

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Greetings from Mad Pharmacist!

What can I recommend you to your confidence issues?

1) Each day do at least 1 things you're scared of to do (it could be saying "Hello" to stranger while passing by)

2) Join Toastmasters! Not only will you become more confidence on stage, but also you'll gain some "skill points" (just like in game :D) in your leadership!

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Geez, I'm really falling behind on these journal entries. A lot of it is because the past few days have pretty much been the same routine, and I haven't felt like there is anything worthy of updating the journal about.

Day 17

I'm doing pretty well. There hasn't been a lot going on. I've been busy with work, and I've been socializing a bit more with co-workers. I feel more open and I can express myself to people more which is a wonderful feeling. I've been spending a lot of time working on a personal digital painting project over the past several days. I must admit that I haven't been exercising as much as I would; typically because I've been devoting most of my spare time toward my project. I'm really anxious to finally call it 'finished' so that I can move on to something else to challenge myself. I decided to slowly apply for jobs - maybe 1 or 2 a day if not more - so that I can slowly combat my anxiety toward looking for career-based work. As I work on my projects, I begin to realize that I really do have the potential to be someone in my career field... It's just that I've wasted so much time playing games out of fear of success, failure, and responsibility to the point where I've forgotten my own integrity and talent. Things are looking up slowly.

 

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As I work on my projects, I begin to realize that I really do have the potential to be someone in my career field... 

Yes you do! It's amazing what is possible when we start to dedicate ourselves to our lives instead of trying to escape from them in games. :)

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