Sir Tot (Adam)'s Journal

[SirTot]

Day 1

So here we go: Day 1 for my second attempt at detoxing. Hopefully for the last time I'll have to try, too.

Today went alright. Started by going to work early in the morning, kept myself busy the whole time. Then I went home and decided to watch a movie just to relax. Afterward I tried to do some digital sketching, but I once again grew frustrated with the fact that I felt aimless and nothing was coming out the way I wanted to. I realized that I had been listening to hard rock/metal music while I was working, and I suspected that the music was affecting my mindset toward my work. Whenever this happens, I begin to think about negative things about my dreams to be an artist, and feelings of hopelessness filled me. The same roadblocks in my mind would revisit me: issues with my father's lack of support over the years which constantly demotivated me along with all of the time I feel like I've wasted gaming and procrastinating instead of practicing art. Now that I'm 27 and feeling like utter crap about myself, and I'm lacking in skill and discipline compared to those much younger than me who are very talented artists, I feel hopeless and like that of a failure. Typically I'd begin to game to numb the feelings and thoughts. Instead, since it has been a beautiful day here, I decided to go for a walk at the park. I felt a bit better, and I reassured myself that I am just having a tough time today. Today might not be very strong, but at least I'm sticking to this commitment, and tomorrow is another day. I guess that for today, trying to be optimistic about what I'm going through is the best way of ending strong.

I'm just going to finish the night by relaxing, listening to music, and playing piano.

[Cam Adair]

Woot! Great job creating this journal for yourself. Each day will get better and better if you stay committed. The thing is, it's true that you may struggle with skill and discipline right now - but the only way to improve those is to take steps each day to work on them - just like you are right now. Try some different music next time, something more uplifting and positive, it helps me a lot personally. Music has a big impact on my mood. 

[cursive]

Hey SirTot, I can relate to a lot of your feelings. I am new here and just started the 90 day detox last night (12 hours ago to be exact -- when I uninstalled everything). I'm glad you made it through your first day. Keep up with your practice, you'll get better. Age is just a number. I find that when I compare myself to others I feel down, as well. I am 27, no degree, primarily because of video games not making want to progress in life. However, I know that eventually I will be where I want to be. Maybe I'll be 8-10 years older, but it doesn't matter. So long as we get there.

[SirTot]

Thanks a lot for your support, guys.

Cam, thank you. I am certainly changing my music playlist, and I'm happy to report that my step-by-step progress today is a bit better than yesterday.

Hey Cursive, thanks for your words, and welcome to the forum. And you're absolutely right that age is just a number. I did realize that there are people in many situations who are older/younger than me. There should not be some set comparison as to who is doing what with their life by a certain time, and yes, it's very depressing when we think like that just like how I was bringing myself down yesterday... Life just doesn't work that way. If it did, we wouldn't have anything that challenges us to better ourselves.

I hope we'll both see to our goals in the future.

[SirTot]

Day 2

Whoa, Day 2. It's like Day 1... but a little better!

Today started off with work, as usual. There's this girl I like there. I got her number last week, but I am still not very good with the social aspect of my life (especially toward women). I asked her out a while ago via text like... 2 hours after I got her number. I didn't hear back from her for many hours, and thought maybe it wasn't a good idea (I became insecure) and took it back later that night because I thought I said or did something wrong, and decided that maybe it'd be better to call her and talk to her a little while first before asking her out. She's a nice girl, very pretty, too. She seems a bit more mature for her age because it turned out she's younger than I thought she is. But anyway...

After a week of unanswered calls and texts I sent that didn't get responses at all - or not until late at night when I'd be sleeping - I gave up at some point, realizing that maybe I screwed up my chances with her right away and she lost interest. Whether or not that's true, I saw her today at work for the first time since last week. I noticed that after asking her out she started to become a bit distant. She seemed more openly social around other people instead of me, and it was the same thing today. Before she was openly social to me, but now she's becoming distant. Same thing today. She just waved and smiled as I walked by and said hi to her smiling, and she quickly walked away. So... I was feeling a bit disappointed and frustrated for the rest of my work day. I went home feeling that way.

I wanted to draw, but I thought that my feelings were just going to make me become impatient with myself again. Instead of giving up, I tried something different. I channeled my feelings into a quick little drawing of her (cut off at the bottom of the attached image). It doesn't quite look like her, but many of her features are there. After that, I was feeling better. I went on to draw a Stormtrooper from the Rogue One trailer, and right next to that I just drew this weird looking guy without a shirt out of the top of my head... I was thinking he was a fighter.

After that I decided to go for a jog, which I was feeling really good about afterward. I was thinking on the way home that if I wasn't detoxing I'd be wasting away this beautiful sunny day on playing video games instead. The day felt longer, too. It's amazing how much time goes by when you're hooked on a game for hours and hours...

Today felt like a triumph even though I experienced some rough feelings and urges to relapse. Instead I successfully channeled those urges into exercise and getting out of the house. Still, I am going strong even though i still have a ways to go.

 

[WorkInProgress]

Good job coping with you difficulties. To reflect your problems and find a way to deal with it are great steps. A book about how to be more natural around woman which I really enjoyed reading, because it made just sense was Models by Mark Manson. I discovered him while my detox and I think his free stuff is pretty awesome too.

[Cam Adair]

An important lesson is to notice that when you have a feeling you don't necessarily want to have, you don't have to escape it and instead you get to choose how you channel it. Love your drawings. A good book you may find a lot of value in for the dating stuff is Models by Mark Manson. Lots of fans of it on this forum.

[SirTot]

Day 3

What a lazy day today. I had work first thing in the morning at 6 am as it is on every Sunday. All of that went well. When I got home I went on a Netflix binge. A lot of the reason was because I felt exhausted when I came home from work- even though I was only there for 5 hours. I don't think I slept too well, or not enough. After watching a movie, I took a nap for a little while. Then I woke up, watched more Netlfix, cruised around on the internet, and looked for some Meet Ups I could attend (didn't find anything very interesting today). The strength of my temptations have been increasing today, and I think a lot of it was because of my inactivity. I didn't really draw too much today, either. I spent a lot of time reflecting upon my detox and the consequences of relapsing. I need to be careful going forward. Having a daily plan would be a good thing to do, so I should start writing one.

I think that what I need to tackle right now is to find activities to take up my time and force myself to do them instead of sitting around thinking about how I don't feel like doing anything. That's what the day was pretty much about.

Fuck motivation, right?

 

Edit: Oh, and thanks for the Models suggestion, guys. I already ordered No More Mr. Nice Guy, which should be arriving tomorrow. Maybe I will order Models as well.

Edited April 18, 2016 by SirTot

[Cam Adair]

No More Mr. Nice Guy is a stellar read as well. The key is to plan your day the night before. And ideally, if you can, do the activities outside of the house. For whatever reason, being at home makes it more ok for you to lounge around. Feels awkward to do that when you're at Starbucks for example.

[SirTot]

Day 4

Since I am trying to detox from both games and pornography at the same time, the struggle has been a bit 'real' for me today. I still have not relapsed into doing either, so big thumbs up for that. I didn't make my daily list of activities until this morning, but I got it all done and did a little extra. First a few chores: make a few phone calls, laundry, etc. I then practiced gesture drawing with my drawing tablet since drawing digitally is a lot harder than drawing traditionally. I then worked out on my bench and lifted three sets of 100 lbs. I usually work out with my friend, but he has been busy lately since he's moving into an apartment. Usually I'm not interested in working out at all unless he comes over, but since I'm not gaming anymore, I'm more interested in staying in shape by myself which is wonderful. It was a beautiful day outside today, so I went out for a small hike. I brought with me my sketchbook, pencils, and my book No More Mr. Nice Guy which arrived today in the mail. Once I hiked to the top of the mountain (very small mountain), I sat on a bench and read my book for about 10-15 mins. As of writing this, I'm about 25 pages in, and I'm going to keep reading it tonight before I go to sleep. I'm enjoying the book a lot, and I can definitely relate to being a 'Nice Guy' that the book describes. I am looking forward to completing it and seeing how it will change my perspective. I feel like I'm already changing my mind about things.

While the day has gone very well, I have found myself drifting toward video game soundtracks and similar media on YouTube, and while gesture drawing I couldn't keep away from the 'erotic' pose category. I feel like I'm subconsciously trying to gravitate toward relapsing, and I am taking note that I need to be careful. The weather during the past few days has been wonderful, and apparently the next few days are going to be great too. I'm going to try and concentrate my efforts on leaving the house so that I don't end up on the computer more than I have to just in case something happens.

Edited April 19, 2016 by SirTot

[WorkInProgress]

You are doing all the right things. It helps a lot if you aware of what's happening. If you made this day you can make any day.

[SirTot]

Day 5

Alright, so... confession time: I briefly relapsed into porn today. Day after day I've been inching closer toward it, but no matter what I've done to become aware of it, it still caught up to me and I gave into the urges. Since figure drawing attractive female models is what drove me into this, I am going to take a break from figure drawing altogether for a while until I get myself back in check. There are other things I can practice drawing to get better.

I'm thankful that I have not even come close to relapsing into gaming. The idea flashed into my mind a couple times, but I have not considered giving in at all. At least on that front I am doing well. Especially because I sold my PC's graphics card and uninstalled all games on my Playstation console. It is only Day 5 of my porn (and game) detoxing, so I'm actually kind of glad that I relapsed now instead of 20... 50... 80 days in. It's better to make the mistake early on instead of later and learn from it. To prevent another relapse in the future, I must STRICTLY keep adult-oriented content away from my eyes for a long time. I will install K9 protection and try to amp up the website filter controls.

Other than that, today went well. I've just worked. relaxed, practiced drawing and piano a bit. After work, I spoiled myself with some junk food instead of a proper meal. I'm still struggling to stay on top of my habits according to what I should/should not be doing instead of whatever it is I feel like/don't feel like doing. Spending so many years in that mentality builds up many bad habits that are hard to break. Time and dedication will take care of that one day at a time, though. I just need to keep at it and catch myself every time.

[Cam Adair]

Just remember the more difficulty you're having the more validation it is that you are doing the right thing. Be aware of your triggers and anytime you're beginning to have cravings. Get out of the house if you can when you are.

[SirTot]

Day 6

Today I spent much of the day at home since I'm off of work. I started working on a digital painting project since I'm not so great with colors, and honestly that pretty much took up most of my day. Cravings have been low today since I've been focusing on my practice so much. I admit that I didn't get any exercise or get out of the house at all, and that probably wasn't a very good thing. I'm planning for tomorrow to be different, though. I'm just glad I was focused on my project and I'm enjoying my progress.

I hope to have more interesting things to write about for tomorrow.

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

It's definitely good to have a big project to work on that can keep you engaged for long periods of time. That's something that I'm trying to find myself. 

[Cam Adair]

Day 6

Today I spent much of the day at home since I'm off of work. I started working on a digital painting project since I'm not so great with colors, and honestly that pretty much took up most of my day. Cravings have been low today since I've been focusing on my practice so much. I admit that I didn't get any exercise or get out of the house at all, and that probably wasn't a very good thing. I'm planning for tomorrow to be different, though. I'm just glad I was focused on my project and I'm enjoying my progress.

I hope to have more interesting things to write about for tomorrow.

Adjust and adapt as you need to. Getting outside and exercising is crucial.

[SirTot]

Day 7

Today was my first successful day of following a daily list of tasks. First was a good, productive day at work. After I got home I really wanted to sit on my butt and relax for a while, but I pushed myself to lift some weights first. I brought my iPod with me full of music from this band Amaranthe I've really gotten into recently. After working out, I was able to finally sit down and relax while working on my digital painting. After a few hours, I spent a bit of time out of the house today by going for a walk in the park and grabbing a few groceries. The last bit of my day has just been relaxing, enjoying music and Youtube videos while doing a little more digital painting.

At one point I had a strong feeling about playing this game Warframe I was absolutely addicted to before I began relapsing. Yeah, I definitely would love to play the game once again, but that's exactly how it starts. You begin to sample what you want to give in to, and then before you know it you relapse completely- perhaps worse than the last time. I've done that a number of times before. I claimed that this is my second attempt at detoxing, but it's not the second time I've tried unhooking my gaming PC and uninstalling all of my games from both PC and PS4. I've tried and failed a number of times thinking I could handle things moderately. I know I'm on the right path doing this. To think that it's been a week now... it feels like a long time and yet I've got so much longer to go.

I look forward to seeing more changes within myself as a result of detoxing.

Edited April 22, 2016 by SirTot

[WorkInProgress]

Congratulations on the productive day and catching yourself instead of relapsing. Be proud of yourself! If you can do it one day you can do it everyday.

[Cam Adair]

Great job today Adam!

[SirTot]

Day 8

*SIIIIGH*

I've relapsed into porn again today. It's been tough lately with all of this crap going on in my mind. I had no idea that porn would be the bigger problem during my detox efforts than gaming. Now I know.

Alright well... let's get to the better news of today.

The day wasn't bad otherwise. I did a lot of drawing/color practice and went to the park for a walk. I was going to work out by lifting weights today, but my friend promised he would come over sometime in the afternoon and he never got back to me. I ended up sitting around at home for much of the day since the weather has been a bit off. That has been my mistake this whole time. I really need to find some out-of-the-house activities to do. Something that I can attend that would allow me to socialize with people. That would help me get my mind off of porn and other things I would relapse into.

I have never been a big fan of Prince (not that I don't like Prince, I just haven't invested all of my attention toward his music), but I was sad to hear that he passed away yesterday. I began a portrait project of him. I only have the line art done for the most part. Tomorrow I will add in the values. There is this artist Stanley "Artgerm" Lau I have been following for the longest time, and he creates superb line artwork before he adds color to his digital drawings. I tried to mimic his line art since line art is something I'm not used to. I think it came out okay so far. There is still some more work I need to do.

Edited April 23, 2016 by SirTot

[Cam Adair]

How were you feeling before you relapsed back into Porn?

[SirTot]

A lot of it is typically boredom, loneliness, and curiosity. For me, intimate experiences have come very few and far in between, and that's why I relapse. I really need to find a way to get out more and find people that I can socialize with.

[Cam Adair]

A lot of it is typically boredom, loneliness, and curiosity. For me, intimate experiences have come very few and far in between, and that's why I relapse. I really need to find a way to get out more and find people that I can socialize with.

Have you tried meetups? Maybe @kortheo has a few ideas for you to get out there more.

[SirTot]

Yep, I have the app on my phone. I just started using it. I'm still looking for interesting events in the area that I can attend.

Day 9

OH MY GOD I WANT TO PLAY A GAME SO BAD RIGHT NOW.

*BANGS HEAD ON DESK*

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

Sorry. Just had to get that out.

*takes deep breath*

Anyway, today was pretty good. I didn't relapse into porn or anything, which is a big plus for the day. I'm starting to understand how socializing with people is important to me. While I was at work earlier this morning before the store opened, there were very few people in the building with me, and I typically work by myself. At some point I was in a pretty bad mood about a half hour before the store opened. I was thinking about how things have sunk between me and this girl I've liked there (the same girl I mentioned in a previous post), and I was feeling pretty bummed. Eventually as I was walking toward the computer department, one of my co-workers who I don't know greeted me politely- kind of like I was a friend of his. I noticed a few minutes afterward that my mood had shifted. I was feeling a bit more positive. It was enough for my spirits to be lifted. I then saw my friend Dave who works in the gaming department. He knows that I'm detoxing from video games (unthinkable, according to him), but I still like to talk about video game-related stuff with him, so I had a pretty good conversation with him which went into all sorts of things. At this point, I was feeling great. I felt open and social toward other co-workers and customers, and the issues I was dwelling on in my mind suddenly disappeared. It's a shame that the girl I mentioned didn't arrive to work before I left. I was feeling confident enough to talk to her about things and try to sort out the confusion from what happened. Despite the fact that I'm not employed at a job that I'd be interested in for a career, I feel a little grateful that I am working at a retail store right now because there are a lot of people there between co-workers and customers, and I'm starting to look at it as a potential social experiment while I'm detoxing.

After work, I've just relaxed, watched some Netflix, practiced drawing, went out for a jog. I'm happy that I jogged a little further today than I usually do.

The game Warframe is just calling out to me right now. I'm staying strong, though, while keeping my mind and my activities focused elsewhere whenever I feel the urges.

[WorkInProgress]

Some great observations you made there. To master these hard days and to realize what makes you feel bad will have the greatest effect on your progress. Self development comes through mastering hardship and you did a great job there!

What needs did this game fulfil for you? Was it the social aspect? Often times games give easy superficial social contact which could be satisfied by easy other ways (like calling/meeting friends/family and have a talk) Often times think  people don't want to spent time with me or I would disturb them if I call. But in 90% of the cases they enjoy the fact that I spent time and effort on them.

It is kind of crucial that you realize what needs you have(good job on identifying one!) and find ways to satisfy them on a regular basis.