Dave's Log

[gankylosaurus]

+1 to running with audiobooks. Doing some good for my body, and some good for my mind. Any favorite books right now?

I only listen to one at a time, and exclusively fiction. My favorites so far have been The Martian for its great narration and the Magic 2.0 series, which I wrote about before in my old blog. Currently I'm listening to The Fold by Peter Clines. It's about a guy who's sent to basically keep tabs on and investigate a company who's discovered a way to teleport. It's pretty good, though I'm not sure I like how this narrator voices the female characters. He does fine with all of the male characters, but seems to try too hard with women, and they all end up sounding the same. I love it when an audiobook narrator can give every character a distinct voice so I know who's talking without getting the "so-and-so said" bit. That was a huge plus with Magic 2.0.

Day 36

Early shift again and only had a small cup of coffee. So of course I came home and slept. But not before writing, which resulted in a new feeling. I've never nodded off while writing. While reading it's normal, and I usually just put my finger in the book and pass out for about ten minutes then wake up refreshed and continue reading again. But with writing... Man. I realized later that I was actually asleep with my eyes closed while finishing the ends of sentences. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, though. When I get tired while reading, sometimes I start to "dream" with my eyes open, reading the page and yet reading totally different words, and still the story makes sense.

Maybe this is just an extension of Hemingway's old adage, "Write drunk, edit sober."

Anyway, looks like it's going to be a fairly uneventful and lonely weekend. I'm back on top of the dishes already, and now I just need to get everything else sorted out. Got a few areas of the apartment that need special attention. Tomorrow's a running day too.

[gankylosaurus]

Day 37

It's only 1 in the afternoon and I'm pretty much done with everything I planned to do today. Got my writing done earlier and I just got back from a run. I was supposed to be going to a friend's house, which is why I did everything early. He ended up cancelling, though. Still, now that means I can get back to cleaning and reorganizing. The office supplies are going to be a real doozy to get through. Gonna relax my legs for now then get back to cleaning in a bit.

[Dannigan]

Day 37

It's only 1 in the afternoon and I'm pretty much done with everything I planned to do today. Got my writing done earlier and I just got back from a run. I was supposed to be going to a friend's house, which is why I did everything early. He ended up cancelling, though. Still, now that means I can get back to cleaning and reorganizing. The office supplies are going to be a real doozy to get through. Gonna relax my legs for now then get back to cleaning in a bit.

  Nice work with finding other things to keep you busy.  I find that after cleaning and organizing stuff, there's more clarity in my mind for some reason.  Looking at clutter kind of clutters my mind...oddly enough. 

[gankylosaurus]

Totally agreed, @Dannigan. Having a clean space to live and work makes everything so much easier. In this case, it wasn't so much that there was physical clutter (other than the notebooks that I had piled nearby that I planned on organizing) but that the unseen contents of the filing cabinet needed organized. It's so much better now, and I even pulled out some old D&D campaign notes that I'm going to try to put together in a Scrivener document. Been meaning to run a campaign with friends for a long time, but those plans fell through. You wouldn't believe how hard these things are to plan.

Day 38

Speaking of "Write drunk, edit sober," I forgot how freeing it was to get a little buzz going before writing. It's possible that while editing this last chapter, I'll end up cutting a lot of it, but right now, I like what I did. There's a lot of reflection, but I think it might have been necessary to the situation. It also built up to what the character was actually planning, which is a huge crux in the plot.

And can I say, I think I'm doing quite well at having these characters drive the plot. This story, at first, seemed kind of shallow with the lack of supporting characters built into the outline, but I'm free to add them in where needed. If a certain aspect of a character needs to be shown, I can create a foil character for them to spar with, either literally or verbally or even subtly. Mostly these come off as competitive friendships. I've also been pretty good at exploring different concepts of this story's world as I've gone along. For instance, the secret militia of teenagers struggles with what they'll have to do if they need to kill someone. Only one of them decides to be that cruel, since few else had ever expected to be needed. It was all supposed to be fun and games, in a way.

Then there's the world-building. I didn't do much beforehand. I knew I wanted the story's main setting to have an Eastern feel to it. And I'm using that as a very broad term. Of course, I haven't alluded to much of that in the way of architecture thus far, but the weapons and maybe even the clothing have been leaning toward that heavily. But other than that, I'd only come up with three main locations. Then as I was writing it, I decided that they were in a part of the world referred to as the basin, and that everything outside of the basin is wildly different. I'll explore that in a later book, though. However, that also gave me ideas for the nature of the "ancient magic war" that kind of caused everything indirectly, and I think it's a pretty cool idea. One that might even come with some moral struggles.

Anyway, I'm feeling better about this story now. The layers are becoming more apparent, and they'll be easy to work into the earliest parts of the story when I go back to edit. Maybe my friend who thought the outline was a little lackluster will be blown away by it, or maybe he'll end up a bit underwhelmed like he had been originally. I know he likes my writing style, so I have that going for me. Now I just have to make sure this story delivers.

And I'm well on my way to making Act I last 20-21k words. As long as I can get Act II to 40-50k and Act III to 20-25k, I'll be golden. I have a feeling I'll have to add quite a few scenes to get there, though, unless the level of detail on those later scenes actually results in longer chapters.

Then again, it's possible this will just be another learning experience. The bottom line is that this story is coming along really nicely now and I'm getting my excitement for it back. Big perk to forcing myself to write every day, even on the bad days. The bad days just get you through to the good days, after all. Now I'm making writer's block my bitch.

[gankylosaurus]

Day 39

Went for a run today and just finished up my writing. The run kind of sucked. I think I should have backtracked more in this running program than I did. I mean, I can do it, but it's really hard. I should probably go back to an easier week to train my body back up to being used to it. Then again, I'm used to doing things the hard way. I'm just worried I'm going to injure myself (though I've been lucky so far). 

Fiancee decided to have a lay on the couch and watch Netflix day, so I got Chinese food then fell asleep. When she recommended I take a night off from writing my eyes shot open and I said, "No!" in a "How could you even suggest such a thing?" kind of way. So I got up and did it right away.

Now I'm done with Act I. I can definitely see more I could do with this part of the story on its own, but it's long enough at least. We'll see what I decide to do when the time comes. Since I've created some new characters and subplots, I'll probably have plenty to work with when I go back to edit.

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

With the running man, I think you should give yourself a pat on the back. You did it! You made it happen; just keep up the consistency and do what you can, and you'll see progress.

It's okay to take time off as well. Your body and your mind need rest.

You're doing great pal. 

[WorkInProgress]

yep you are doing fine. But you could go back in the program. I mean it doesn't really matter how long you need to get to your goals at this particular area. More important is to make daily movement and exercise to a positive habit. Slow, steady and consistent ones win the race.

[Jeremias]

Really good progress with the writing Dave. Act 1 done!  Your discipline is admirable but...

When [fiancee] recommended I take a night off from writing my eyes shot open and I said, "No!" in a "How could you even suggest such a thing?" kind of way.

think twice before turning down some sweet lovin with the lady  she needs you too

[Cam Adair]

Commitment 10/10. Big props man. Keep going.

[gankylosaurus]

lol @Jeremias it's not like that. Her days off are very lazy days. Nothing but Netflix, Hulu, and asking me to get things for her. My part was to take a power nap while she watched Netflix. That was when she suggested I take the night off from writing. No lovin' involved. Just cuddling. And honestly, I hate having the TV on. Just feels like noise. Thought about going for a walk just to get away from it at one point.

Day 40

Finished with my writing. Kind of a stressful day so far. Started it off with an argument which was caused by and then exacerbated my anxiety issues. The argument was with my mom, on a topic that will never die. I'm not going to go into it here, but I just wish both of us would realize it's not worth it to fight.

Also, my elbow hurts for some reason, and I work from 3 to 10 today. So... not going to be the best day overall. Log today as one that I just kinda got through. I'm trying to make the best of it, but it's hard to see today as a positive experience right now. We're allowed some of those days from time to time, right? The bad days make the good days better, after all.

[Cam Adair]

Yep! Sometimes to win all you've got to do is get through it. 

[gankylosaurus]

Day 42

I decided yesterday not to post. I was still in a funk. Thing is, I know I'm in total control of my anxiety, but I can't just make it go away when it's with me. I have to stop it in its tracks. When it's building up, I have to stymie it. Because once it gets rolling, that shit's a bitch to stop.

There's a physical aspect to it, in a weird way. It makes every part of my body just want to shake the tension out of it. I just want to be away from people, and every tiny thing that I see as an inconvenience bothers me immensely. Perfect example: Fiancee brought some groceries home last night while I was making tacos for us. She put the bags right where I was about to prepare the tacos themselves instead of putting the groceries away. I grabbed what I needed from the bags and all but threw the rest of them into the hallway.

I can say there's no controlling it, but I know no one will believe me. Partly because I can't believe myself.

Since I was a teenager, I've always had a way of imagining my anxiety that's helped me control it. I visualize a bottle. Every little bit of tension that I don't deal with up front (ie. if I'm in a discussion and I just need to say something because I disagree or some other burning reason and I don't say anything) gets added to the bottle, never to be resolved. It can be tiny, or it can be big. Eventually, the bottle builds up too much pressure, and it explodes, and I take it out on anyone and everyone around me, whoever or whatever's closest. And before you get worried, I only get physical with walls. Still got the scars, though they've healed nicely over the years.

So the past few days were filled with that tension. Until I went off of my "no drinking during the week" plan and had some wine. By bedtime, even though I'd forgotten to tell my fiancee I was working at 4:30 in the morning and she was out on the phone until almost eleven, I felt fine. Perfectly calm. It was nice. And a part of me hates admitting that, because it's like I self-medicated with alcohol. But the honest truth is it helped a lot, at least in that moment, and I can't deny that.

Anyway, today was a long day, and I have a long break ahead of me. Got my writing done, and even jumped ahead to a future chapter because I had a somewhat artful idea of how to start it. My focus in writing is not usually on art. I just want to deliver a powerful story that's written in a way that's easy to imagine. But sometimes, getting a little artistic just amps it up a little. In fact, I think it makes it more powerful when the art doesn't overwhelm the story. A little art in the right place can go a hell of a long way.

[Jeremias]

Honestly I can't relate at all with the outbursts you're having, but I do recommend this little piece of advice that works really well for me: 

If you're feeling emotionally irritated, then do something physical (and vice-versa). At the moment you're throwing groceries and punching the wall in response to your anxiety, but try doing as many push-ups you can when you feel it coming. You'll get to a point where you're so tired and you just collapse face-first on the floor

[Cam Adair]

@kortheo has some insights into anxiety!

[kortheo]

http://forum.gamequitters.com/topic/1523-i-kind-of-dont-know-where-to-start/?do=findComment&comment=10071

I made a detailed post on my experience with anxiety here if you're interested.

 

[gankylosaurus]

Thanks, guys. I read through that post and I admit I fell off of my exercise routine. Getting back into that would help. I think, also, that I need to read more - in a way, it works like meditation for me, as long as I don't let my mind wander too much. I'll get it under control, don't worry.

Day 45

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this before, but my mood is very closely tied to my writing. If the writing is going well, then I feel better. If I feel better, I write better.

But the opposite is also true. If I feel shitty, the words are hard to find, and the story feels like a chore to write. And if the writing isn't going well, then I just feel crappy.

It's a cycle. One or the other has to improve drastically for me to see the results, or to feel progress. Sometimes, I just get lucky, and what I expected to be a crappy writing day ends up going a lot smoother. By the end, if I'm satisfied with what I've written, then my mood picks up.

(Sorry if any of the following repeats any of my writing woes I've said before. I'm just trying to get everything out there to detail the issue.)

Right now, my story's in a bit of a crisis. Today was a good writing day, and that helped, but I still have a pretty big decision. I'm seeing now that I need more buildup before the end of Act I, where the story enters its first point of no return. I need to introduce the characters better, let them live in their world a little first and establish their inner conflicts before I rock that world with external conflict.

I also kind of half-assed the outlining, and I hadn't noticed that before. On my last project, I was pretty good at making sure I hit all the important points: POV, the central conflict, how the scene changes the story, etc. So I thought that I could handle all of those things intuitively since I had paid so much more attention in that project. I thought my outline was detailed, filled with conflict, and enough to ensure that my story would be long enough. Then I moved the end of Act I to make sure Act I was as long as I needed to be. I felt a little dirty doing that, like I was trying to justify to myself that, no, the first point of no return is here. I think I was lying to myself now, and as I said above, I just need to go back and flesh out the beginning of the story.

I even realized, during one of the most important scenes, that I forgot to include characters in the outline. That was the real wake-up call that I didn't have this all as under control as I thought.

Going back to the story's length, I know if I were writing this on a writing forum, people would tell me "the story is as long as it has to be!" and it's hard to tell if they're trying to berate me (and others they repeat this to) or they're just naive. It actually bugs the shit out of me. When you're actually trying to sell a novel, it needs to be a certain length, usually 80-100k. This allows for enough space to tell the main story along with its supporting subplots, to get everything out there, but not too long so that you get tired of the story and just want it to end already.

So I'm only about 25k into this story. If I keep it up, I think I'd be lucky if I hit 60k by the end. I know now what I must do, and probably what I should do for future stories that I write. I need to create an outline of 100 scenes, and make sure that each of those scenes has all the details it needs. 100 scenes may end up with a story that's longer than I need it to be, but that makes it easier to cut and condense. I like being able to have a lot of story in a small space (as opposed to dragging out a little story over a larger space) so this works for me. Plus, it allows me to have short scenes when they're called for. In my last project I had a scene that was only like 130 words, but it was what the story needed at that time. Sometimes that works.

I think a large issue right now is that this story is too linear. There's one main protagonist and a couple other protagonists either working with the MC or going off independently of the MC; and then there's the antagonist, who gets her own POV scenes. But everyone's story follows the same plot right now. There's no one else doing their own thing and maybe even accidentally getting in the way of the other protagonists. Everything is building up to the same moment that I've planned out for the ending. The subplots are all really small, and basically just part of the overall plot. I'm not saying I want to create totally irrelevant scenes/subplots, but characters have inner conflicts to deal with too, and that deserves some time in the story.

As to that decision I alluded to up top and never explained... I have two options:

1 - Pause now, re-outline the whole thing, then go back and add to the beginning or just keep moving through the rest of the story knowing I can go back to the beginning later on. To be honest, getting Act I back to where I wanted it to be sounds pretty appealing. It's weighing on my mind that I messed that up.

2 - Keep writing, get to the end, and then re-outline, knowing that I have the finished project to work with and add to. Plus, over the course of writing it, I may end up creating characters out of the blue that will have to be added in to earlier scenes anyway for the sake of continuity.

I know option 2 is the wiser course. But damn if the first option doesn't sound appealing. I went into this project with the peace of mind that I did everything I could do in the planning stages to make a story that would both be full and allow for the occasional improvisation. Now that peace of mind is gone, and I'm long past the smooth sailing portion of the writing.

For now, I'm just keeping up with writing it. I need the guidance of other writers to figure out what I can do to make this into a bigger, better story in the outlining stage. I recently bought The Breakout Novelist by Donald Maass, and I've been reading through that. It's got exercises in it I can do to grow the story, but I'm going to wait until I finish the book to do that. I've used various methods to make sure a scene is actually a scene and not just a waste of time that doesn't actually develop the story further, and I'll have to go back and do all of that.

Plus, once I have the first draft done, I'll be able to write a one-liner for each scene in my outline and figure out where new scenes fit between those.

Whenever I figure out what I'm doing, I'll probably take the laptop down to the library where I can force myself to work on the outline for a few hours. Might not be within the next week, and it might not be for another month. I'm actually considering just plowing through the the rest of this story so I can work on that. Would have to up my writing time, and with the way it's been going lately, after those thirty minutes have passed, I've just been emotionally drained, feeling like I'm just dragging my feet through the story with nothing to show for it but a ton of work ahead of me.

[Ed]

Going back to the story's length, I know if I were writing this on a writing forum, people would tell me "the story is as long as it has to be!" and it's hard to tell if they're trying to berate me (and others they repeat this to) or they're just naive. It actually bugs the shit out of me. When you're actually trying to sell a novel, it needs to be a certain length, usually 80-100k. This allows for enough space to tell the main story along with its supporting subplots, to get everything out there, but not too long so that you get tired of the story and just want it to end already.

If it's important to you that your story needs to be a certain length, then your story needs to be that length.

However, Fight Club, Fahrenheit 451 and Slaughterhouse-Five are all extremely popular books, they're all under 50k words.  On the other side of the spectrum, Neil Gaiman's American Gods is over 188k words and that weird story kept me engaged from start to finish.  I haven't written a book....yet, but as someone who reads a lot, I'm mostly indifferent about the word count.  Give me an engaging story and I'll keep reading.

But we're not talking about a novel, we're talking about your novel.  As the artist you need to be happy with the finished product.  If that means writing 80-100k, that's what you need to do.  And if you're at 25k, you still have a long way to go but that is a big chunk already done.  

Be proud of the progress you've made.

[gankylosaurus]

Thanks, @Ed. All good points. I didn't realize Fight Club was that short.

I'm largely going off the advice of successful writers, editors, and agents here. They all agree on that number, often pointing out that fantasy has a bit more leeway (up to 120-140k unless you're someone like George R R Martin, Robert Jordan, or anyone else who can prove they can get away with an engaging and long narrative). A major difference with those shorter books you pointed out is that they don't exactly fit into genre fiction. They're closer to literary novels, which often have a harder time finding success, but are definitely worth reading. I haven't read Slaughterhouse-Five, though, so I'm not sure if that one's also literary.

For now, I'm working with commercial genre fiction, particularly Sci-Fi and Fantasy, and for those, right now, publishers are looking for stories around that word count. Plus, I'm pretty sure the reason most of my stories have been so much shorter is because I've had rather thin plots. I'm not going to beef up the word count with long-winded description. Instead, that word count goal is a challenge to cram in more story and make the grand scheme of it bigger and more powerful.

I read both longer and shorter novels as well, and the third book in A Song of Ice and Fire was more engaging to me than some books I've read that are only around 100k. I'm just trying to clarify my reason for that number here. It's more about adding story than it is about just adding more words. This is why I think I should finish writing what I've outlined so I can go back and see where I could weave in more plot threads, maybe make it a little more intricate and meaningful.

[gankylosaurus]

Day 49 (I think)

I feel like I'm halfway out of breath all the time now. I don't know if I'm stressing myself out, or if others are stressing me out, or what. I think it all comes back to anxiety. It comes back to the person I used to call my best friend who my fiancee hates and who I'm not really sure I want to be friends with anymore. It comes back to my mom. To drinking. To gaining weight.

I'm not going to go into the "best friend" scenario right now. That'd be a novel in itself and I've already got one of those on my plate. Suffice it to say (actually now I hate that expression...) The gist of it is that we've been friends since I was ten, he got me through a lot of shit because I had a shitty stepmom; I got him through some shit because he had a shitty father (who, I think, came to respect my manners and basically stopped beating his kid after the one time I was witness to it, then cried when I moved away). So, we each played a role in the other's life, a role that I wouldn't take back. I don't know how I would have ended up without his influence in my life, and I don't care. I'm more well-rounded overall from that experience. (This is a long "gist of it" explanation, isn't it?) Anyway, I grew up; he didn't. I went to college, he became a FedEx driver. I got engaged to the love of my life despite never even proposing to the woman I was with for five years, and he had two kids out of wedlock (after two failed engagements).

So, the gist of it is, he's a lot more short-sighted than me, and he needs me more than I need him (which is to say, like I need a hole in the head).

Guess I have a lot more to vent on that issue than I thought. Maybe one day I'll go into more detail. I've gotten into it at length in a writing forum at one point, during/after which I ended up not talking to him for a full year. He ended up making me the namesake for one of his kids, and honestly, fuck him for that.

On the bright side, I'm down ten pounds.

Back to the actual topic at hand... I feel like I've been having anxiety off and on for the past week or two. I just want to shut everything out. I go to work and I just shut down when I get stressed. I work with one guy who I don't know if I even like because he's almost too complimentary and a little bit two-faced. Then the seventeen-year-old girl I often work with in the morning who's like the only person I've ever seen as sort of a "little sister" ends up liking that guy, then not liking him, then going back and forth on it, and I'm like, here's my opinion, but I really can't give a shit tbh.

I hate most of the high schoolers I work with. They fuck around too much. Even one who they want to promote to being a supervisor, when I asked him to do something, he said, "Oh, yeah, I'll do that in a few minutes," which, honestly, is fine, until I have to come back in and tell him he has five minutes to do it because his break is ending and he's going to hold everyone else up. I'm a pretty fucking good supervisor to work with, but I take note of those who abuse my leniency. I'm the only head guard who isn't afraid of getting yelled at. I give extra breaks where the bosses would be putting extra guards up, and I let them start closing duties early so much so that we end up sitting around doing nothing for a while to make sure when we clock out that it doesn't seem suspicious.

I'm not going to change my ways in that respect. I'm generally a pretty chill guy. But this summer, I may have to be more of a hardass. And by the end of it, I may hear more whispers of those who don't like me. I already had a couple people come and tell me about someone who complained about me giving extra break to another guard. Ironic thing there is that both the guard who got "extra break" (she was cleaning) and the person who complained were older than me.

I think it's a good sign, though, that people will come to me and tell me these things. I don't do anything to try to manipulate people to my whim. I just try to be fair, I explain why I'm doing things when I do them, and I just generally take a very relaxed approach to everything. I think people respect me for those reasons.

Ugh, what am I driving at here.

I had six days off from work. I saw that on the schedule and thought it would be a magical break. Not so much. I came back not relaxed, but more annoyed. And I don't know why. I can't tell if it's the job or me.

I'm just getting more bitter, I think, and I need to find a different job. I just don't know where I can start and have comparable pay.

In the meantime, I have college to look forward, and the potential of becoming a teacher thanks to that.

[gankylosaurus]

Day 50

I'm feeling a little better today and maybe even a little embarrassed by yesterday's post. I was overwhelmed and a little drunk.

I got some good advice from a coworker on where I could work when school starts (valet tips well and is near the college I plan on attending). In the meantime, still gotta set up my class schedule for the next couple of years.

Today was actually kinda fun, despite being kinda stressful. We had a ton of middle-schoolers come to the pool, and I've hated middle-schoolers since the last time I was one of them. We have a few areas (steam room, sauna, spa) that are restricted to fifteen and up. I figured none of them would be fifteen, but one kind was pretty convincing because he had his birthday ready before I even asked (April 30, 2001). I decided to believe him for three reasons: First, he had it ready and didn't have to think about it; second, it was a date near the end of the school year; third, he could have been held back a year, and the second point would strengthen that.

Then when we let him into the tub, everyone followed him into the hot tub and of course when I asked if they were all fifteen they all said yeah. There's no way for me to check. Luckily, one of the teachers was nearby and asked if they were okay and I said they have to be fifteen. She said none of them were fifteen, and I just waved them all out. I made the executive decision that none of the middle-schoolers were allowed in the hot tub because it would get crowded and there was no way of policing it.

If that first kid was lying to me, though, I gotta hand it to him: He's good.

One more funny moment when I was checking the steam room and sauna. I told them they have to be fifteen and one of them was like "What if I'm fifteen? I was born, uh, nineteen... uh..." and I just started snapping my fingers going, "Math, math, math." I think he figured out he wouldn't get away with it then because he just laughed and didn't try to argue any more.

So now I'm reading through a rulebook for a tabletop RPG that I plan on getting friends into. Three friends and my fiancee already agreed to it, and I'm actually really excited for it. I haven't had any D&D type friends since I moved here, so it'll be nice getting some of my friends into it

Oh, and I guess I should mention writing. I'm still pushing through, and the more I do so, the more I find the scenes that intrigue me more, that make me want to write more. I'm learning a lot as I go, despite all these years of practice. It's actually kind of uplifting, though, since now I can see which scenes/plots to focus more on and how I can change others to strengthen the narrative, as well as characters and scenes I can add in and develop more on later drafts.

[Cam Adair]

Down 10 pounds, man that's awesome!

[gankylosaurus]

Day 57

Time to level with you good folks. I haven't quit gaming. I've certainly pulled back on it quite a lot, but I've far from quit it. I just haven't talked about it in either a positive or negative connotation.

I've kept the same day count because it's still part of my journey. Without this, I wouldn't have stuck to Write Chain (Day 52 of that btw, with no cheating whatsoever).

Unfortunately, that's where the benefits kind of stop. Porn, drinking, dieting, exercise. Those things have only improved just slightly.

I think I made a big mistake with porn. I had decided that if I didn't think about it, I wouldn't have to worry about it. But whenever I'm alone, the cravings kick in. That's my trigger, and it's the most real trigger I've ever had. I think, now, that I need to take it day by day. I need to acknowledge every day that I am an addict, and that I only have to hold out for one more day, every day.

Like I mentioned before, I'm down about ten pounds. Unfortunately, that was by accident. I forgot to eat more than a little meal here or there over the course of a weekend, and that was sandwiched (mmm sandwiched) in between days where I was actively watching what I was eating. I've managed to keep it off, at least, but now I have to be even more driven to hit my goals. Can't just lie around and waste away.

I have been working out, but it's been a very strange schedule. I decided to do some core work because my back hurts when I run now, so I pulled out P90X's Ab Ripper X. It's only fifteen minutes long and I felt like I was dead by the end of it. Like "Oh, this is how it ends" kind of feeling dead. The next day I felt a little worse, and today (when I expected to do it again) my hip flexors are in such pain that I naturally lean forward when I stand. I'm going to wait for that pain to subside before I get back to it. The way I see it, any progress is just that--progress.

As for drinking... I had friends over, and one of them made a beer run. He left the remainder here, and there was a lot. So I had a few. Got a more than decent buzz going around mid-afternoon... again largely because I forgot to eat. I'm done now. I'm going to save the rest for the next time we hang out, which will either be tomorrow night or Wednesday.

Speaking of Wednesdays, I got a group of friends interested in playing a D&D type game. I had everything ready to go, and I'd just been biding my time, so I decided, what better time than now. They were all over last night and we created their characters. There are two left to create (my fiance's character and that of a player who couldn't show up due to an emergency) and the rest just need their equipment.

I admit I was a bit nervous having them over to do this. None of them have ever played a game like this before and some were even confused, asking if I, as the person running it, was trying to beat them. I was like, "If I wanted to beat you, I'd just send a dragon to your village while you're all still level 1, but that's no fun." As the night went on, and they created their characters, while there was still some confusion and there were a lot of questions, by the end, everyone seemed excited. That made me really happy, because I'd been worried that people would start rolling their characters and be like, "Ugh this is dumb," and then I would gauge everyone else's reaction and decide if this would be a continuous thing.

In fact, the person I'd expected to be the least into it said she wished we could do it two nights a week (especially since this is going to be a summer thing for us).

The funniest part is that we never even actually played the game. We just created their characters and I gave them a little exposition into the world they were about to enter. That was enough to get them excited, and I hope that at least part of that was due to my own enthusiasm and ability to make it exciting. So I've got that to look forward to at least weekly now.

In other news, I've decided that I need to be more positive. I like to think I'm pretty realistic and level-headed about things, but language is powerful. Even replying to "how are you?" with "not bad" is negative in its own way. I should just say I'm good. I think I need to take another look at my personal vision of my ideal future as well, and come up with something a bit more realistic, and a bit more "me."

Ideally, I would like to be a generally positive person who drinks socially, works out six days a week, writes every day, and is responsible about taking downtime.

That last part covers a lot of things. I've already got the writing every day part down so far, and that's taught me a lot about myself (and about my writing). Now it's time to tackle the next bit. I'd say the next goal is exercise, but with the way I reacted to that last workout, I'm going to be easing myself into that. Whenever I recover I'll be back at it, though.

Sorry I haven't been posting regularly. I'll try to correct that.

[Cam Adair]

Good to read your update man

[Jeremias]

I feel like your journal emphasises how quitting games is simply the 'tip of the iceberg' of this forum. 

It's good to hear from you again Dave. I believe that being more positive will pay off for you  You give out your positivity and others will more likely give it back to you.

[WorkInProgress]

HI nice to hear from you. I checked out the workout you started and it feels like it is not meant as a solo routine you do everyday. It seems to be a part of a split routine where you focus on the abs. Also it is very challenging which isn't a good way to start such things. If you have some core problems and want to exercise daily I would advice you to do something like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a83LhW_CX4g.

It has a similar length but focusses on the whole core(abs and back). Also balance and flexibility and has a better starting level.