Matt R's Journal.

[WorkInProgress]

Yeah this feelings jsut appear. Don't worry, after my personal experience and some journals i read feeling down is jsut a temporary sideffect of quitting most of the time.

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

Day 8: 3/17/16

I'm gonna do a two day journal today.

I slept in after doing a two-a-day at the gym the day before. Had a honey nut cheerio breakfast and headed out to work. My manager still seems to resent me for refusing to work next weekend. Hardly speaking to me. I've been working my ass off there for three years and the one time I say "no" they give the cold shoulder.

Since I have been there so long, I've become friends with a lot of the regulars. An older couple (who's grandson used to work there) chat a lot with me when they come in. They always ask me how I am and what's going on in my life. So I told them about the detox I was doing and a bit of the science behind gaming addiction. As always they were very supportive of my efforts to better myself and live a more full life.

I was able to get someone to work for me friday so that I could have more time to spend with my Rachel. She was super stoked about it so I took a wee nap and headed down the road to meet up with her at the local brewery for St. Patricks Day. (Also Happy St. Patricks Day everyone!) Afterward we got donuts from Krispy Kreme, and food from checkers before heading home to pass out while watching netflix.

Goals completed today:

- Got Friday Off!

Goals I failed to complete:

- Forgot to pack my lunch. I was procrastinating and by the time I left for work I was already late. That's one thing I need to work on. In the morning just getting things done and heading out the door as early as possible.

Day 9: 3/18/16

Slept in quite a bit this morning. We had a few errands to run in town but we had a nice lunch, and mailed some packages.

Rachel's doing some chores so I thought I'd take the opportunity to catch up on my journals.

Rachel said that I should do something involving videogames for a living. It's something I've thought of doing before. I don't think I want to design games, but I can talk about them all day: what makes them unique, how they're designed, how they compare to other games. Kind of like a journalist. Gaming is a multi-billion dollar industry now, and that kind of thing needs people spreading news and information about it. It's something I think I could be happy doing, and it's a career. not just this thing I escape to to avoid life.

This hasn't changed my resolve to complete the detox, but it does give me something to think about. If I can have a job bringing people information about something they want, that can't be a bad thing. That's a valuable service to people. Not unlike talking about movies or books or anything else.

I intend to complete the detox. Hopefully as I go through it I can find what it is I'm looking for as far as a career goes.

Thanks for reading guys!

[SpiNips]

It's amazing to see your determination and commitment with the detox! I'll bet that it will change your perspective on gaming, at least it entirely changed it for me. Keep up the good work man!  

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

Day 10: 3/19/19

Woke up early to go to Rachel's niece's and nephew's little league games. I discovered how interesting it is to watch little league baseball games. Those kids don't have a care in the world, they just do what the coaches tell them and run around dogpiling the ball.

After that we went and picked up some David Bowie vinyl at 2nd and Charles. If you don't know what that is it's kind of books a million, but they also have comics, music, games and a lot of other amazing things. They also buy used stuff so you can get store credit.

I bought her David Bowie's last album "Blackstar" I have a copy myself so I got the previous record "The Next Day"

We went home and I helped her with her side business making bath bombs, which are basically these thingies you throw in the bath tub and they get all fizzy, they have all sorts of natural good stuff in them like essential oil, coconut oil, lavender.

Day 11: 3/20/16

I've got to start sleeping more. Especially when I have to get up at 5:30 am to go to drive to hours home so I can get to work on time. I nearly drove off the road falling asleep at the wheel. I changed lanes twice in my sleep! No more.

Work was fine, wasn't horribly busy. The owner was doing his little team building routine. The man treats us like kindergartners. I'm too tired to go into it but it's humiliating and frankly insulting.

After work my mom, my sister and myself went and played a game of tennis. It was great.

I've had some heavy urges to game today. I was just tired after work and I just wanted to chill and play for a little while to relax, but I knew that I couldn't.

Goals for tomorrow:

- Research yoga in the morning before work.

- Speak with dad about the hardtop situation.

- Work out with friend.

- Practice playing guitar for 30-60 min.

- Meditate.

- Comment on 5 forum posts.

See you guys

[Dannigan]

Whoo hooo with the tennis!  Glad you and your family got outside to enjoy the weather and get some exercise.  You resisted the urge to play, and yeah, that's a tough thing to do.  But you did it.  You must feel pretty good about that.  All the best tomorrow with work and daily life.  One step at a time. 

[WorkInProgress]

Hey it looks liek you are missing a relaxing activity for such times. Something to take the place when you are stressed out and jsut don't want to do something productive. For myself reading works here well. What could you do the enxt time you need to do something to relax? Identifying this urges and finding other strategys to cope is important.

[Cam Adair]

Yoga is the bomb. I go multiple times a week and love it.

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

Whoo hooo with the tennis!  Glad you and your family got outside to enjoy the weather and get some exercise.  You resisted the urge to play, and yeah, that's a tough thing to do.  But you did it.  You must feel pretty good about that.  All the best tomorrow with work and daily life.  One step at a time. 

Thank you! it was a lot of fun. My ping pong skills didn't translate very well but I'm getting the hang of it. Gonna arrange for me and a buddy to go play at some point. I think it'll be a good way to spend time after work during the week.

 

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

Hey it looks liek you are missing a relaxing activity for such times. Something to take the place when you are stressed out and jsut don't want to do something productive. For myself reading works here well. What could you do the enxt time you need to do something to relax? Identifying this urges and finding other strategys to cope is important.

Good idea. I'm not really into the book I have right now. Think I'll hit up my local library to see what they have. 

Most times when I get urges I'll open up respawn and read through it, but I got caught shopping for a new hardtop for my car. So I figured something out  thanks W.I.P.!

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

Day 12: 3/21/16

Snoozed through my alarms, but woke up early enough to shave, make myself some breakfast and do some yoga research. I found a short video that is basically a 15 minute routine that you do when you wake up, and supposedly it gives you a nice energy boost for your morning, I might try that tomorrow.

I exchanged a few texts with a guy on craigslist about a hardtop for my convertible. He's got another buyer that I'm competing with. Hopefully that buyer will drop out so I can swoop it up. I need a hardtop because I've got a big tear in my soft top from not taking proper care of it. Yeah the thing is 16 years old but before I got my hands on it, the car was sitting in a garage most of the time.

The garage at my house is occupied so my car has to stay outside, and I didn't think to apply the special top cleaner regularly, so it got real dirty and dry-rotted and now it has a hole so it's time for me to get a hardtop. I'm pretty excited about it. since I do so much driving on the highway maybe it wont be so loud inside that I have to wear headphones so I can fully enjoy my music; plus It'll be easier to wash, and it will add extra value to the car so when it comes time to sell it, I can get more for it.

After work, I got together with my friend and we went to the gym and had a mad-decent shoulder workout, #deltsforlife.

He got The Division, a new game that came out that before I quit gaming, I was looking forward to. He and his neighbor were playing when I came into his house. It made me sad to see them playing videogames, but I put my headphones in and went to the game quitter forums to read a few posts until he finished the mission he was doing so we could go work out. After we got back he started playing again so I said my goodbyes and went home.

Had tacos for dinner. Sat with mom and dad and talked about jobs and life and stuff. (They could tell I was having a tough time with the detox)

I practiced my guitar for a good bit, plugged my phone into my computer speakers and made a drum loop on my drum machine app and went to town for a few minutes. After dinner I cleaned my gun and talked with my girlfriend. She's sick with stomach issues so she went to bed early.

Goals Completed for today:

- Practiced guitar for a good bit.

- went to the gym with my friend.

- spoke with dad about the hardtop deal

- left 5 of 5 comments on the forums

- found a morning yoga routine for extra energy

- plan to meditate before bed.

Goals for tomorrow:

- Turn in change at the bank

- Work out after work with or without friend

- Try the morning yoga routine

- Continue The Scorch Trials or begin rereading Fight Club

- Learn a new song on guitar

- Comment on 3 forum posts

- Meditate

I'm really giving myself a lot to do tomorrow. See you guys then.

 

[Cam Adair]

Thanks for posting your journals and participating in the community - really appreciate it!

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

@Cam Adair I'm happy to help!

I haven't been keeping up with my journals for the past couple days. I worked an extra shift yesterday and the days before that I don't remember so much, I know I went to the gym so there's that at least.

Day 15: 3/24/16

Worked a double yesterday so despite my morning wake up yoga sequence I was pretty tired at work today. My girlfriend got accepted to the university near me, but after she found that out she discovered that there was no way that she was going to be able to pay for it. So she's going to have to go to a smaller university elsewhere. She's pretty depressed about that.

I've been communicating with some other miata owners with hardtops to sell and I've arranged a meeting on Saturday with one of them. I'm probably going to have a new top soon! only problem is there is a special set of bolts I need but don't have in order to attach the top to my car. So I'm trying to get my hands on some around here before Saturday. but if all else fails I could probably borrow my dads car which should have ample room to store the top, I hope...

Otherwise I'm going to have to cancel my meeting with the owner of the hardtop, and with my luck he'll sell it by the time I get the bolts.

I've had a lot of cravings to game the past couple days. Fortunately, I've kept myself pretty busy with the gym, work, and trying to get this hardtop situation taken care of. I miss gaming a lot. It's been difficult but I'm fifteen days and it hasn't evolved past anything other than "This kinda sucks" but I'm moving my life in a positive direction. I'm doing a lot of things I wouldn't have done had I not quit gaming. I wouldn't be researching tops on craigslist, talking to people arranging a meeting. I'd just be content gaming away, not even trying to get these things that I need to do done, and I do need to get this top thing done. The hole in my soft top is getting bigger and duct tape can only do so much.

After this hardtop venture, next on the list is getting a new job. Wish me luck.

Goals for tomorrow:

- FIND FRANKENSTEIN BOLTS

Rachel is supposed to be coming to spend the weekend here tomorrow so that's the only goal I can really set for myself, the rest of my time will be spent with her.

As always, thanks for reading guys!

 

 

 

Edited March 25, 2016 by Merdoc_Rowboat

[WorkInProgress]

Good luck at your bolt quest!

If it wouldn't suck to quit, you would have done it way earlier. With you commiting to this 90 days you have now the chance to find out why it sucks so hard for you and what you can do to make you more indipendent. This way you control your reality and gain back the power over you life.

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

Good luck at your bolt quest!

If it wouldn't suck to quit, you would have done it way earlier. With you commiting to this 90 days you have now the chance to find out why it sucks so hard for you and what you can do to make you more indipendent. This way you control your reality and gain back the power over you life.

W.I.P. always bringing the wisdom

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

Day 19: 3/28/2016

I haven't really been active lately, I've been pretty busy with stuff.

I really came here to say I fucked up bad. Real bad. I haven't relapsed, but I fear I will if this whole situation doesn't resolve itself...

I inadvertently insinuated that my girlfriend is fat. This, unbeknownst to me has now escalated into a relationship death sentence.

Rachel has some pretty extreme issues. Depression, anxiety you name it. I seem to have broken her with this. No matter how I apologize, try to console her or anything else she cannot dig herself out of this pit of despair that she's in. She has a lot of self loathing issues, she needs someone to build her up, and the one person that she listened to has just made her worst nightmares a reality, I've completely destroyed her self esteem, and I feel like such a selfish, shallow, evil asshole.

The last thing I said to her was that she has to be the one to tell herself that she is beautiful, because no matter what anyone else says, if you can't love yourself then nobody telling you you're beautiful is going to erase this self loathing.

I'm in a dark place. Gaming would really help right now.

[WorkInProgress]

HI Matt,

I can relate to your feelings and I know this will not make you feel better much, but in my opinion you are right. You are not responsible for her self-esteem. Self-esteem is never external. It doesnt help if you give your girlfriend the feeling she is fat but you are surely no selfish asshole because of it. You would be one if you like her to suffer and do this in purpose because you want to keep her down.

There is a big difference of beeing empathic with someones feelings and suffering with them. It helps noone if you beat yourself up. It isn't your fault that she has issues. It isn't you responsibility to make her better. Codependencies in relationships are always dangerous. That doesn't mean you shouldn't care or be an asshole and say: this is your problem not mine. But you can't do more then showing here that you care and that you love here. There isn't more what you can do. One of the sad trues about relationships is that you can not change another person. Maybe they change but they have to do it and you can only support this progress.

Every relationsship including my own marriage is full hof hick-ups, arguments, fights and hurting each other. If both people can overlook or overcome the shortcomings of the other one, you learn to get along and the happy, easy times easy times overweight the hard times. But in overcoming the hard times your relationsships grows. You can look in each other abyss of fears and shit behaviours and decide that you love them even with these dark sides. This is always a chance for deeper understanding of each other.

Keep staying strong or in the long run you will fault her for screwing yourself over with gaming and the blame game begins. Realize that this feelings, so bad they are and how hard tehy are to endure, will change over time. Like you can't be happy for long tiems sadness goes away with time. You deserve to be happy and you need to be happy to better yourself. To be a better man in the future you need to suffer through this and get better. 

There are two ways wich open up before you. You can either say she is worth it to suffer and show her your love and appreciation to help her throught that dark place, or you say it isn't worht it and move one away from here. There is no morally wrong choice here, just a personal wrong. Even if i am beeing redundant, it never helps a relationsship to ground  decisions like this  on dependencies. It isn't selfish to think about this two options. If you choose her it should be out of the right reasons. Not because you have to or because she needs you to, not because you feel guilty. It should be because you love here and want to help and support her.

Sorry if some of my words offend you but I want to see you beeing better and feel strongly about this stuff. Just think about it.

greetings Mario

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

@WorkInProgress you're a real pal. What you say really resonates with me. I appreciate your support in this time. Thank you very much. Things are already looking up. We've been speaking and I told her that she needed to tell me that she can only feel beautiful when she tells herself that she is beautiful. and she kind of let me have it. I think it was cathartic for her and I hope she sees that what she needs more than anything is to tell herself that she is beautiful. It may be a while before my words carry any weight.

Thanks mario.

[Cam Adair]

Gaming would only help you in the sense that it would NUMB you from the situation. There is much for you to grow from by NOT numbing from this.

One of the best resources I have for all things relationship is my buddy Jordan Gray. 

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

Day 20: 3/29/16

It's been some kind of day. I was so anxious yesterday I took one of my mom's anxiety pills. It really helped me relax, but the next morning I slept through all of my alarms and was super late for work.

I was tired and sluggish all day, and the shift went by super fast. I originally wanted to work out but I was so tired I went home and slept for about an hour and a half. I still feel tired, I think I'm depressed from all the stress of my relationship right now.

Last night Rachel and I talked some more and I tried to tell her how wrong I was to insinuate that she was fat, but I could not console her she would not have it. she made me feel like such an evil human being, like I shattered her self-esteem on purpose. I eventually seemed to let her get some catharsis by telling me that I did not know what I was talking about and that she is beautiful no matter what I say.

That seemed to make her feel better but today is more of the same, she's laying in bed and doing nothing because shes depressed and hates herself. She'll call me on the phone and well sit in silence because neither of us have anything to say and small talk isn't helpful or satisfying either. 

She needs therapy, I'm just going to come out and say it. She needs professional help, her depression and anxiety has her completely under it's spell and she can't snap out of it on her own, try as I might I can't make her feel better.

And I really want to play videogames. Like really bad. It sucks so much not being able to. I just have to read, practice music, or just go to bed because gaming would just be amazing right now, I would feel so much better. I sound like a fucking drug addict right now. I guess I am in a way.

So in other news, I was never able to get that hardtop from the guy on craigslist. The day before I was supposed to go get it he texts me and says "sorry man, someone came by and bought it"

So I was back to square one, then on Saturday I was on the way down the road and I saw a miata in this used car sales place that had a hardtop on it. I thought maybe they'll sell that to me. So I called yesterday and asked and they said that Id need to speak with the owner so maybe if I just show up there with cash in hand, they'll let me buy it from them.

So goals for tomorrow....

- Replace the all thread I got from Lowe's.

- Work out

- (Optional) If opportunity presents itself, go get the hardtop.

- Comment on 5 forum posts. I haven't been keeping up lately due to stress.

Later guys.

[Cam Adair]

Hey man, thanks for sharing. Stress happens and it's not something you can always avoid. One of the biggest changes that come from this journey to not game is that you have to learn how to deal with stress without gaming. (I have a video on that here.) In the past we've just gamed to numb ourselves and pretend life isn't like it is right now - but the problem is... that doesn't actually fix anything. It just postpones it for a moment. But that sort of suppression eventually leads to explosion, and then our situation isn't as bad as it was - it's worse.

So keep doing what you're doing. Keep facing the situation head on. Go to the gym to release some steam. Go for walks, hang out with friends, etc. You made a mistake with your girl and you apologized for it. Now it's up to her. She doesn't get to hold this over your head for the rest of your relationship. You apologized, you were genuine and if she wants to play victim than that's for her to do... but you don't have to sit around playing one yourself. Keep focusing on you and keep growing. Keep finding ways to be productive each day as you can. It will get better.

A great book to read right now is Daring Greatly by Brené Brown.

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

Hey man, thanks for sharing. Stress happens and it's not something you can always avoid. One of the biggest changes that come from this journey to not game is that you have to learn how to deal with stress without gaming. (I have a video on that here.) In the past we've just gamed to numb ourselves and pretend life isn't like it is right now - but the problem is... that doesn't actually fix anything. It just postpones it for a moment. But that sort of suppression eventually leads to explosion, and then our situation isn't as bad as it was - it's worse.

So keep doing what you're doing. Keep facing the situation head on. Go to the gym to release some steam. Go for walks, hang out with friends, etc. You made a mistake with your girl and you apologized for it. Now it's up to her. She doesn't get to hold this over your head for the rest of your relationship. You apologized, you were genuine and if she wants to play victim than that's for her to do... but you don't have to sit around playing one yourself. Keep focusing on you and keep growing. Keep finding ways to be productive each day as you can. It will get better.

A great book to read right now is Daring Greatly by Brené Brown.

Thanks for the advice Cam, it's been helpful.

 

[Cam Adair]

Hey man, thanks for sharing. Stress happens and it's not something you can always avoid. One of the biggest changes that come from this journey to not game is that you have to learn how to deal with stress without gaming. (I have a video on that here.) In the past we've just gamed to numb ourselves and pretend life isn't like it is right now - but the problem is... that doesn't actually fix anything. It just postpones it for a moment. But that sort of suppression eventually leads to explosion, and then our situation isn't as bad as it was - it's worse.

So keep doing what you're doing. Keep facing the situation head on. Go to the gym to release some steam. Go for walks, hang out with friends, etc. You made a mistake with your girl and you apologized for it. Now it's up to her. She doesn't get to hold this over your head for the rest of your relationship. You apologized, you were genuine and if she wants to play victim than that's for her to do... but you don't have to sit around playing one yourself. Keep focusing on you and keep growing. Keep finding ways to be productive each day as you can. It will get better.

A great book to read right now is Daring Greatly by Brené Brown.

Thanks for the advice Cam, it's been helpful.

You've got this man. Hang in there. The obstacle is the way.

[Merdoc_Rowboat]

Day 22: 3/31/16

Didn't get to my journal yesterday because I took an extra shift at work. I was super tired so I went to bed.

However, yesterday I finally got my bolts installed in my car! So now I can put a hardtop on it.

So today after work I met up with an acquaintance of mine who drives a miata as well. His is the first generation miata, where mine is the second. He has a hardtop, so we put it on my car and took it for a drive, the corners of my folding top were scraping against the back of it while we were driving so anytime I hit a bump, it made a really annoying squeaking sound. Plus the top didn't really reduce any noise that the car had while driving highway speeds. Unfortunately I had to pass on that particular top.

It was an aftermarket top so it wasn't quite up to snuff with an original top. Hopefully I can find an OEM top soon. I may just end up replacing the vinyl top that I have, it may be cheaper and I can focus on getting a new job. After that maybe I'll get a hardtop for the winter months. Meanwhile I could take care of the top that I have so it won't dry rot and get holes in it.

I'm going to see my girlfriend this weekend. I think we're getting back to normal after this rather dramatic weekend.

 

Goals for tomorrow:

- Be ready to leave directly for Rachel's house right after work.

- Morning workout.

(IMPORTANT)

So I exited the page before posting this on thursday, I come back today (monday) and it's still here waiting. Great design @Cam Adair! haha

[Cam Adair]

One of my fav features haha

[WorkInProgress]

Looks like you passed through a low point and didn't game. How did you managed the ahrd stuff? What helped you to keep your goals in mind? Here is value hidden for the next low's you will encounter in this detox.