Introducing my self

Hi everyone, my name is Ruohai Liu (Peter) I am currently a bachelor's student in Germany and I am seeking coaching because I have been struggling with a gaming and video consumption addiction for more than ten years. I am now at a point where I genuinely feel that this problem is holding me back from becoming the person I want to be.

My struggle started when I was around 11 years old. Since then, I have gone through the same cycle over and over again. I can stay away from gaming and meaningless videos for two or three weeks, become productive, focus on my goals, and feel optimistic about my future. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, I relapse. Sometimes it is triggered by stress, sometimes by boredom, sometimes by exhaustion, and sometimes by no obvious reason at all. Once it starts, I completely lose control. I can spend entire nights gaming or watching videos until the early morning, and these intense gaming periods often last for two to four weeks.

The most frustrating part is that I have tried many solutions already. I have installed screen lockers, blocked apps, deleted games, and made plans for myself countless times. Every time, I genuinely believe that I have finally solved the problem. Yet after a few weeks, I somehow find a way around my own restrictions, unlock everything again, and fall back into the exact same pattern. It feels as if there are two versions of me: one that desperately wants to build a meaningful life, and another that takes over and destroys the progress I have made.

The problem became significantly worse after I started university. During exam periods, the stress often leads to even more intense gaming behavior. I spend nearly three to four times more time gaming and watching meaningless videos than I spend on my studies. Ironically, when I should be focusing the most, I end up escaping the most. I have postponed multiple exams because of this. Recently, I started an internship, and because I have more free time after work, the cycle has changed. In the past, I would alternate between periods of intense gaming and periods of discipline. Now, however, I find myself gaming or watching videos almost every day. As soon as I get home from work, I automatically turn to games or online content, and on weekends I spend the entire day on my phone and Ipad —from the moment I wake up until I am so exhausted that I can no longer stay awake. This pattern has been ongoing for the past one and a half months, and I increasingly feel like I can't achieve anything in my life.

Below I will list down the reasons why I eagerly want to stop gaming and scrolling my phone.

One of the biggest reasons I want to solve this problem is my relationship. I live with my girlfriend, and I can genuinely feel how gaming takes time and attention away from her. Whenever she wants to go out, spend quality time together, or do something meaningful as a couple, I often find myself wanting to stay home and play games instead, so, at the end, I will stay in my bed playing games for a long time and go out with her when she's getting serious. Deep down, I care about her far more than any game, but my actions do not always reflect that. I want to become the kind of partner who is fully present and engaged, rather than someone who is constantly distracted by a screen.

Another major issue is sleep deprivation. When I get the urge to play, I often continue long after I should have gone to bed. Even when I am exhausted and nearly falling asleep, I keep going. During exam periods, this can happen even a few days before important exams. During my internship, it causes me to stay up until three in the morning, arrive late to work, and spend the entire day feeling tired and unable to concentrate. This cycle can continue for weeks.

Perhaps the most painful consequence is seeing my personal development repeatedly interrupted. Because these are actions that were my personal labels and identification, I gain the most of my personal values from them. I love to see progress of me in any of the skills that I would love to gain. Since middle school, I have had many ambitions. I wanted to improve my communication skills, read more books, improve my English, learn effective learning techniques, and build strong productivity systems. Every time I create a plan, I make progress for a few weeks. Then gaming returns, and all momentum disappears. It feels as if I am constantly restarting my life and destroying what makes me the one who I am and whom I want to be.

I have also lost interest in activities that once brought me genuine joy. I used to love playing volleyball. I enjoyed going to the gym. I even started learning the Chinese instrument Guzheng because it was something I had wanted to do for years. If you ask me when was my most joyful time in my life, I would say my time in primary school without a doubt. I loved to go to school just to meet these lovely people and have fun with them. All these were experiences that are much more joyful then games. But I these days even people ask me to go to the gym together I will say no and play video games right away because I feel bad about that decision.

So at the end, I really want to say that I am eagerly looking for help and knowledges that would guide me out of this disaster. It would be the biggest and greatest change of my entire life if I can get this issue fixed. I've been knowing that I would never enjoy gaming as game lovers do, I am an addict who just can't stop and who has tried to fight against it since I was 11 without longterm success.