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Rick Boon

Daily Journal - Rick

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amazing day.

Yesterday i started to work on something i had long in mind. Earlier i was making a 1 year plan, when i thought "why not going big?". Someone said in his journal (i dont remember who) "wouldnt it be easier if there was just 1 book with everything written in, every solution to every problem". This made me think. I have had such thoughts since i was born, just because it's pretty hard for me to see the 'frame' or setting rules in certain situations like social events, or taking space in relation to my neighbours for example. They are very friendly, but i'm never certain if i can just walk in their house (i know they don't mind, they said it some times, but if there is already something slightly different from the previous situation i think it might not apply). 

I thought big.

I'm making some sort of omnipotent map or description for a set of categories i made up. It will contain my motivation, my future plans, the present focus (not more then 1 or 2 specific goals i will work on), routines and systems i use everyday (like in the morning or evening), the needs i want to fulfill, triggers etc, dont wanna share to much about it, maybe when i'm done :). I'm making it at a huge plate of wood with paper on it, so i have a clear oversight hehe.

I plan to finish it this week, am hugely motivated for it. I'm sleeping well to, making amends with people and just being a grown up (don't feel that way that much, but that's okay) hehe.

Have a nice week!

  

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That sounds really inspiring. Having a big project to work on brings a special excitement to life, and this is something that will help you in the long run too, so that's an extra plus. (I think I might steal your idea and do something similar for myself, hehe.)

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A small update from me,

- haven't finished my big plan yet, but i'm still working on it, write down subjects, make up categories etc. 

- the last 2 weeks have been an absolute blast. I can make contact with people so good, like i'm just so amazed by the fact i can actually socialize and i like it! 

nofap is going great, not gaming a lot harder, i reinstalled one time and then deleted again, but it is still in my blood and i think everyday that this is just something i need to get through to rewire my system. I have some new things going on and that helps a lot to stay focused on what i actually want from life.

Don't know when i post again, have a great week guys

 

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Another week. I'm more and more involved with other activities outside my room. I feel good now, but i remember feeling bad this week because i was thinking i could have done more. 

Things that i'm glad i did:

- went to belgium to get a trunk full of fireworks

- went to my family after not having visited for atleast 3 months 

- i followed through with obligations. I didnt had the best week, but i did what i had to do.

 

Also i am having so much ideas like an on-going train for the last 2 weeks, ideas for thing i want to experience or learn. I'm writing everything down to include in my 'life-plan'.

That's it! enjoy your days guys, i know i will (most of it)

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Couple of things.

I had a strange week. I'm doing good but i had some nights where i totally lost control and just did a tablet game for 6 straight hours. This influenced my mornings of course and i'm not happy about that. So i will focus on that for a month.

Other things:

- i start this week with a schedule of a 100 day plan to learn a skill/habit or otherwise. I got this tip from a dutch writer, and i was inspired because i can manage such a thing on my whiteboard, i got enough space for it.

- I start reading again this week. Bought 2 books and i'm exited to build up my evenings from such activities. And now i think about it, my days are overall fine, but in the evening i tend to passivity again. I feel like i have the right to be rewarded, so thats also a thought i will be more aware of, and counter it.

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flow of thoughts..

i have build momentum... I feel distance between me and my gaming past. But i'm also a little bit lost in a sea of ideas and actions i don't have to forget to take. I need to get organized. 

Despite the momentum i had a little bit passive last week. Just hanging on my couch watching a movie or browsing the internet. Just to much to my liking. 

I've progressed with my 1 year plan, but now i reached a point from where i'm a little lost. Funny because that is the idea of the plan, to give me a standard how to handle almost every situation. 

What i intend to start from this week is to say out loud what i'm going to do. I think it's a good way to be active in my thinking, how i don't let things happen to me, but i will happen to things. Does that make sense? haha. I wrote a quote on my whiteboard to get me going for this new habit.

There is something else on my mind however, for the last few days. I cannot oversee it in my head, so i'll rant here for a bit. 

I saw the BEYOND video. Overlooked the introduction page, the questions. I thought "is this maybe something for me?". "would this give me a firm boost in the right direction?". But what if it doesnt fit me? what if i fail? and havent i already, because i would let my progress be dependent of a program, why shouldnt i be able to do this myself? 

Besides that i'm brutally triggered by the message of BEYOND. 

I can't type anymore, i'm full, or empty, or whatever you call it. I retreat, chill out for 30 minutes and then go to sleep. I will come back to this topic another time.

Rick

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I can't sleep.

My whole damn life i'm giving other people power over my mood, if i dare to say something, if i speak my mind. And i feel so mixed. I'm always in the same corner of trying and explaining people why i didnt keep my promise. I. Am. So. Tired. Of. It. Even now, i feel a little guilty because it's always 'me, me me'. I don't want it to be about me. I want it to be about what i do, about life, special life moments, about what i can do, not what i should do. I'm not here on this earth to miss things, to leave life empty, to skip the precious connections. And look at me now.. Now i'm actually truly wishing and wanting something, sitting in my room. I'm not satisfied, not in my progress nor in my skill development. 

Listen to me. I'm leaving it behind. I think i could have done so much more, with the right tools and mind set. Doesn't matter now. i set the quote on my wall. That was the starting line (yesterday). I will not fall behind. No wait, i mean i will not slow down. I'm running this alone. I just thought about that. Everyone is alone, no one can look in your head and be part of you, If i say your name, will there be 2 answers? Are you 2 person's? no, i'm running this alone. 

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I've been thinking (not to much) lately and come up with some explanations with my use of the forum. It has been more of a on/off relation then 1 steady road and i find myself feeling guilty why i'm not able to maintain it consistently. It's actually a good thing tho. I am not a pc guy, a typical nerd if you like.

I have a problem with gaming, and that draws me to my laptop but that's pretty much it. I love movies to but besides that i can't see it more then just a tool. To summarize; i see people journal daily, add and talk very often about their process etc. I can't do that because i do most of this in my head. I get my satisfaction from people around me, playing boardgames, having a good structured day etc. Not that special but my laptop is not in it except the movies, where my laptop is a tool to see them. 

Last week i had a pretty down moment and i felt self pity, but also a refreshing perspective about myself; I am a perfect example of an average man who is struggling with the same problems every year. That thought hold me for a while. It was never my intention to be where i am now. That's neither good or bad, it just is. How do i tackle this? I don't trust myself anymore with goals. Today i try something new tho. I should be trying something new everyday, but i don't. Today is different. 

One of the lasts video's of Cam about the 'second thought' is still lingering in my mind, i write it down on my whiteboard. It should change my life.

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One of the lasts video's of Cam about the 'second thought' is still lingering in my mind, i write it down on my whiteboard. It should change my life.

I'm glad it resonated. :)

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Big update.

I'm back to journaling once a week to maintain what i have going now. I cleared up a lot of chaos lately. I organised my week, my every day. I have written down all my ideas, projects and courses i want to take in 1 easy list.

The thing that brought me back here is this: throughout this winter i had several resets, relapses, depressions and difficulty with managing my time. Basically: how i want to live my life, and have my focus and time at the right area's. There is still something left in me that makes me hunger for a game. 

So i decided that although i don't mind struggling, what i experienced this winter is just not what i want and how i want it the rest of my life. An idea was send to me from somewhere and it became clear to me i need to have some time off of my laptop. I remembered how well i did after a detox years ago. i hadnt gamed for 8 weeks and i was just so clear in my mind when i came home. Of course i hadn't changed my environment back then so i got off track. But now i have done so much more and i really evolved if i compare then to now. I sat down my basically my 1 only very good friend and i asked him only 1 thing: can i store my laptop with you for 4 weeks? he of course said yes, he was quite surprised and happy that i asked him for help.

We came up with a plan, that i would have my laptop for 1 day. For all the important stuff that i can pile up through the week. I am so thrilled because this is entirely my decision and i believe so strongly that it's going to work out well. Mostly because i have such big ambitions for myself, and now i can really focus on them. Spend all my time and energy on it while still having balance with relaxing etc. 

I have planned out the 4 weeks how i probably will be going to feel, and that will strengthen me, because i am in control.

What will be different after 4 weeks? I will have completed respawn one more time. And now really serious. The first time i did it i did not took everything seriously. Maybe 50%. Also i will have spend time at for example writing. I will be exercising. I will have planned how often i'm going to take initiative to meet family, friends. My sleep will rock. I cook every 2 days 1 meal for 2 days (already do, will only be better). 

And the more serious mentally effects i expect (because i once had them before after another detox) is that i can speak my mind. Not holding back, be sensitive. Communicate in an awesome manner.

So yeah.. that's my agenda ;)

Every monday you'll see my journal update.

 

Greetz,

Rick

PS: Rock on

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A week has gone by. The results are extreme. In that they are not. I don't feel very different but the outcome of my actions is drastically improved.

  • I used to sink away in passive behavior when i felt tired, and i end up gaming or watching youtube. Now i work on my puzzle, i'll walk or i read.
  • I wasnt happy at the end of the day because i always felt and sometimes still do that i could have done more. I'm slowly leaving that mindset behind.
  • I can actually follow up my ideas and word/promises. It's great to know that people trust you and i can improve this even more by becoming a beast with time. I really do this for myself because it takes so much mind space otherwise, always running after each appointment and assignment. 

These last 2 days i also felt empty. I realized i havent going on much that i really care about. I want to meet more people because friday and saturday evenings are just plain lonely. On that i'm taking action.

Upcoming week i'll probably will feel worse. But that's okay. 

 

Rick

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Another week. Yet again no peaks in mood or behaviour. I'm feeling at my best. I'm actually a little bit confused that i don't have any frustration or irritation. I'm not angry, or sad. In every other detox (yet none like this one, abstaining completely from my laptop) i had those phases of sadness, then anger, then frustration, then resignation or i relapsed. I might do something right this time. 

Some lessons i learned along the way i have been here on the forum and following Cam's yt videos is to live and plan with intention. And while i reflect i can say that is truly what i do now. 

Something i also recognize is that i have each day a moment of insight about something. It's really fun and interesting, i had a whole conversation about it with my mental coach. 

Let's wrap up;

  1. i started with respawn (again like i said). I'm now halfway. I realized i have almost no social activities and i need 1 or 2 good ones for when i'm bored and then i'm all set to replace the empty hours my passivity left behind.
  2. each day i'm thinking about follow-ups to ideas and things i really wanna do. It takes time for most of those but eventually i'll get there.

That's it. See ya next week.

Rick

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I'm going into the fourth week. The last 7 days where an average of an average week. Lot's of empty time in almost every day. I realize a bit more what 'Doubling down' means, or what Cam meant with it in that particular video. Where i first used every habit and structure, every plan and idea to get out of my funk, my messed up brain related to gaming i now have to see those things as a means to build, to find out what i want. otherwise i'll just end up at square 1. I do have some exciting stuff planned like applying as a volunteer for the red cross. That means i get a basic first aid training. Something i want for a while now. 

I also finished respawn except the last lesson and it's like i'm reading it all for the first time and i get the reasoning behind every step and action so much better now. I'm in a hurry so i can't tell much more, but i do want to do a big update next week, so i can fall back on that in times of need. And i have done 4 weeks of abstaining then so it's time to reflect. I am convinced however i need a bit more time before i completely go back to acces to my laptop all days. I'm thinking about stretching the 1 day to 2 days and so forth. Much better to do it step by step then from 1 extreme to the other.

I'll catch you over next week.

Rick

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No update this week. I'm thinking about a way to be more informative. I want to add to the community but my ego is also claiming space, i'm comparing to others and that's not a good sign so i'll think on that for a week. Any suggestions how i can keep close to myself but also be (sarcasm incoming) the inspiring demon defeating example of a perfect knight. 

It's just stupid. I've got this vision of myself in the (near) future, i learn for that future now and i'm happy with that. But i see other people shine and i want to be them sometimes. Why is that? i'm doing pretty well myself. Any advice welcome.

Greetz,

Rick

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I'm on a breaking point. I gamed these last 2 weeks. A lot. Everything suffers. My structure, sleep routine, work. My friendship. It seems obvious to quit again cold turkey but i'm now on the verge of giving up on a future where i can keep abstaining.

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I'm on a breaking point. I gamed these last 2 weeks. A lot. Everything suffers. My structure, sleep routine, work. My friendship. It seems obvious to quit again cold turkey but i'm now on the verge of giving up on a future where i can keep abstaining.

What triggered you to play again?

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I'm on a breaking point. I gamed these last 2 weeks. A lot. Everything suffers. My structure, sleep routine, work. My friendship. It seems obvious to quit again cold turkey but i'm now on the verge of giving up on a future where i can keep abstaining.

What triggered you to play again?

Can't deny myself the pleasure of playing anymore. I had a 7 weeks score of detox but i never felt happy. Either gloomy or flat. En these last 2 weeks have been a blast in peaks of cheerfulness. Although it has broke my ability to function. I may have screwed my work (not paid, but more then just voluntary) and 2 people around me say they experienced me better in my detox then now. I had a long talk with my mentalh coach yesterday. I said it took so long to see result of anything, in the detox i felt so very frequently tired and had to take a nap. And.. i'm just comparing now.. but deep down i know i have to abstain again, make the right decision because i can't live like this either. but i don't know.

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