On 1/23/2026 at 2:15 PM, genzbulk said:

Thanks for sharing this so honestly. I’m really glad you paused, didn’t relapse, and chose to be around friends—that matters more than it might feel right now. What you described sounds incredibly heavy, and it makes complete sense that your system hit overload with that many commitments stacked at once. Recognizing that and deliberately cutting things back is a strong, grounded move, not a failure.

Living with BPD already means emotions can come in waves; trying to juggle work, a master’s program, multiple languages, certifications, strict avoidance rules, and everything else at the same time would push almost anyone to the edge. Giving yourself permission to simplify—to focus on what’s essential and let the rest wait—is real self-care. Reading just for enjoyment, keeping your core responsibilities, and protecting your energy is a healthy reset.

Also, 24 days is not “by the way.” It’s real progress. Even on a rough day, you stayed safe and adapted, and that counts.

Be gentle with yourself over the next stretch. Think of this phase as damage control, not optimization—like putting down dog pee pads when life gets messy so things don’t soak into places that are harder to clean later. You can always add things back when your footing feels steadier.

If days like yesterday start piling up, it could really help to loop in a therapist, trusted person, or support line—having backup doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re taking yourself seriously. You’re doing the right thing by reassessing and choosing sustainability. Keep going, one manageable piece at a time.

Thank you for your encouragement. My streak has now reached 50 days, I passed my final exam in my Master's (only the Thesis remains), and have been trying to relax. However I am having suicidal thoughts with increased frequency, in addition to sentiments of emptiness and sadness. I've been trying to cope, and I do have people to talk to, but I feel like I can't handle it anymore. It is not like I am fully isolating myself. I'm social at work, I go out with friends and family, I have a job and the possibility of being an highly educated and trained professional in my field, yet it does not feel enough.

Woke up relatively early, considering that is Sunday. Did some minor chores, read a chapter of a book, watched some political commentary, and now I am writing this. In terms of feelings I still feel some sadness, but that feeling is weaker than in the previous days

On 1/24/2026 at 7:02 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

Thank you for your encouragement. My streak has now reached 50 days, I passed my final exam in my Master's (only the Thesis remains), and have been trying to relax. However I am having suicidal thoughts with increased frequency, in addition to sentiments of emptiness and sadness. I've been trying to cope, and I do have people to talk to, but I feel like I can't handle it anymore. It is not like I am fully isolating myself. I'm social at work, I go out with friends and family, I have a job and the possibility of being an highly educated and trained professional in my field, yet it does not feel enough.

Feelings are temporary, they come in waves. It's ok to go up and down. Just stick to your long term goals and eventually you'll be proud you did so... Because there's not much better in life that we can do other than that in my opinion. :) If you find something, let me know

On 1/27/2026 at 4:41 AM, Yan said:

Feelings are temporary, they come in waves. It's ok to go up and down. Just stick to your long term goals and eventually you'll be proud you did so... Because there's not much better in life that we can do other than that in my opinion. :) If you find something, let me know

Thank you for your messages. I've been away for a while, and I wanted to say that I've been busy, and that is true to an extent. However, the real reason I haven't appeared here for a while is because I, after 50 days, relapsed to games. I created a new steam account, spent over 120€ on games, and played for a total of 10 hours (so 2 hours per day). After three days of crazy work at the office, I had two tranquil days WFO, and today I spent most of my Workday playing Kingdoms of Amalur.

58 minutes ago, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

Thank you for your messages. I've been away for a while, and I wanted to say that I've been busy, and that is true to an extent. However, the real reason I haven't appeared here for a while is because I, after 50 days, relapsed to games. I created a new steam account, spent over 120€ on games, and played for a total of 10 hours (so 2 hours per day). After three days of crazy work at the office, I had two tranquil days WFO, and today I spent most of my Workday playing Kingdoms of Amalur.

Sorry to hear you relapsed @FormerSKyrimEnjoyer , but relapses happen and the best way to avoid all your healthy neural pathways (that have been built during the course of your streak) snapping is to get right back to your streak!

Edited January 30Jan 30 by Pulse

On 1/30/2026 at 8:39 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

Thank you for your messages. I've been away for a while, and I wanted to say that I've been busy, and that is true to an extent. However, the real reason I haven't appeared here for a while is because I, after 50 days, relapsed to games. I created a new steam account, spent over 120€ on games, and played for a total of 10 hours (so 2 hours per day). After three days of crazy work at the office, I had two tranquil days WFO, and today I spent most of my Workday playing Kingdoms of Amalur.

Thanks for sharing. I agree with @Pulse Also don't think of it as being at day 0 now, because in the last 55 days you've played 5 out of 55, now what matters is how many days you can get total of no gaming under your belt. Whether that is a streak or not. A day without gaming is a day won. I also believe you've shared that with us because you want to fulfill your potential and want us to slap you a little bit. So, I give you permission to get right back onto fulfilling your potential which you were wanting to do anyway I guess.

You can also use the count as I do in my diary
Gaming - 5
Individuality, Life - 50.

And keep counting from there (Besides the new streak :) )

Yesterday I went with a minimal internet day. Basically I only used technology to read manga and watch anime on my TV, and then used the remainder of my time having lunch with family, and then cleaning everything up. It was a tranquil day. I went to bed at 9pm, and today woke up at 7am. The good amount of sleep I had combined with my morning meds and coffee made me feel very awake and productive at work.

Queued my newest steam account for deletion, removed every single song and artist that vaguely reminded me of gaming from my Tidal account, and subscribed to Easy German, to resume my German studies. Goal: Return to Germany to live and work there.

Also, I will try to sleep at least 9h every night.

Ah, and I will take your suggestion @Yan . This is my counter for 2026

Gaming - 6 (I also played on Saturday)

Individuality, Life - 26 (I did not play Sunday)

16 hours ago, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

Goal: Return to Germany to live and work there.

Currently living in Munich, don't know for how long though. Maybe see you one day :) Where do you live currently?

16 hours ago, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

and subscribed to Easy German

How long have you been studying German? What level do you estimate yourself to be at by the European grading framework(A1-C2)? I might be able to suggest something (possibly)

I'm enjoying a very tranquil day of WFO. There have been multiple depressions/storms in my country's weather, with the authorities recommending the citizens to stay at home. In my area of residence the weather is looking good, with rays of sunlight appearing between a few clouds. It can get worse at a moments notice. I will have a busy weekend, because I will work on Sunday at the ballots (presidential elections in my country), but I will have the next day off work to compensate. Besides taking my car to the repair shop, I will use the day to study

On 2/3/2026 at 5:28 AM, Yan said:

Currently living in Munich, don't know for how long though. Maybe see you one day :) Where do you live currently?

How long have you been studying German? What level do you estimate yourself to be at by the European grading framework(A1-C2)? I might be able to suggest something (possibly)

Are you German, or just living there? My current level is around A2/B1. I had three years of relatively intense study between 2020 and 2023, while I was doing my Bachelor's (including Erasmus in Germany - Nuremberg). However, since i finished my Bachelor's and returned to my country after finishing the exchange program I slacked off on my studies.

2 minutes ago, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

I'm enjoying a very tranquil day of WFO. There have been multiple depressions/storms in my country's weather, with the authorities recommending the citizens to stay at home. In my area of residence the weather is looking good, with rays of sunlight appearing between a few clouds. It can get worse at a moments notice. I will have a busy weekend, because I will work on Sunday at the ballots (presidential elections in my country), but I will have the next day off work to compensate. Besides taking my car to the repair shop, I will use the day to study

I would like to add that I'm still feeling depressed, despite not gaming. First, my counter looks like this:

Gaming - 7 (I opened a game today. I did not actually play, but I'm counting it as a gaming day)

Individuality, Life - 30

Second. I'm feeling very overwhelmed with adult life. The fact that currently my life is work, study, family duties, eat, sleep, repeat; The possibility that we are on the precipice of world war 3; The fact that our climate is getting fucked; The fact that wealth is extremely concentrated at the top 1%; The fact that I'm realizing that corporations are inherently corrupt institutions with well connected leaders bossing the actually knowledgeable employees around. Everything that I listed makes me feel suicidal, with huge hatred towards those around me, and honestly making me question why am I trying to quit gaming, something that makes me forget the meaninglessness of life, and the insanity of our world.

On 2/6/2026 at 2:52 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

Are you German, or just living there? My current level is around A2/B1. I had three years of relatively intense study between 2020 and 2023, while I was doing my Bachelor's (including Erasmus in Germany - Nuremberg). However, since i finished my Bachelor's and returned to my country after finishing the exchange program I slacked off on my studies.

Nope, I am not German. I am currently using a paid version of Lingolia to study grammar. Are you aiming to take some German exams like TELC/Goethe etc? Where do you live though?

On 2/6/2026 at 3:00 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

First, my counter looks like this:

Gaming - 7 (I opened a game today. I did not actually play, but I'm counting it as a gaming day)

Individuality, Life - 30

I thought you were at 50 of Individuality?

On 2/6/2026 at 3:00 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

Second. I'm feeling very overwhelmed with adult life. The fact that currently my life is work, study, family duties, eat, sleep, repeat;

But that is life man... It is not a movie :) But if you think of it, you are just achieving the same things in games, as you do in life (Leveling up after doing some work of gathering resources) the difference is, you make absolutely no impact on the world, well almost... Perhaps besides the people you play with.

On 2/6/2026 at 3:00 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

The fact that our climate is getting fucked; The fact that wealth is extremely concentrated at the top 1%; The fact that I'm realizing that corporations are inherently corrupt institutions with well connected leaders bossing the actually knowledgeable employees around.

Yes the climate gets worse, but who said that it is unsolvable? People like you and me (With a bit more of a work ethic probably) made planes, starships, lightbulbs, telephones etc, etc.

Wealth might be concentrated at the top 1% (Not sure about that, but I believe you) but that doesn't mean that with a few decades of hard work you can't also get there. That means though unplugging jealousy and working your ass off. I'm pretty sure that at the majority of those 1% if you read their biographies, you'd see that that is all they did.
People who inherit wealth and do not have the necessary skills to maintain it, don't hold on to it for long. Like lottery winners.

In any case it is not the wealth per se that counts, it is the daily work. Exactly the hormones you get from games, you can get from work. Once you are detoxed that is. That is what they were made for.

A couple hundred years ago there weren't any computers or TVs you know :)

Why would you feel suicidal because of things that do not depend on you? That is the only true madness here...

Hating the world for what it is... Accept it, it is not perfect it has positive sides and negative sides.
None of us is perfect.
If you want you can improve it one day at a time. You just need to concentrate on what can be done, instead of what is wrong.
I repeat, people created light bulbs planes and spaceships.
If you think the world is flawed (And it is. It is not perfect. Although I love it as it is) then you can make a contribution by devoting yourself to improving some one aspect. And maybe if you're a good boy serve to make an impact.

There is no objective meaning, that is right. But that is the beauty of it. You can choose your own.

I have to go to sleep now.

Just see the half positive cup of glass, and overcome the monkey brain trying to justify your getting back to games.

You have done great progress for 30/50 days or whichever number you have, no one will take that away from you.

The question is what follows... A life of meaninglessness and enslavement to viedeo games? Or work towards some higher purpose that you set to yourself.

Those are just some thoughts on paper. Feel free to disagree with anything I wrote and contradict openly.

I did not double think and just wrote my thoughts.

Great evening, and as @Pulse says: See you at the TOP :)

@FormerSKyrimEnjoyer By the way, I do not know if it is clear from my previous message but I most definitely don't judge you and I think we are both at the same point in life. Namely, fighting habits and tendencies which are interwoven with our hormonal balances. I have some of those I'd love to improve just as I see that you do. It's just that I've managed to overcome some patterns that you're facing in the past and seemingly built other habits (Only time will show how long it will last, no day is taken for granted)
and wanted to share my experiences with you (E.G. 1. Suicidal thoughts is also something I had somewhere at the age of 17. E.G. 2. Thinking that gaming is the only "Good" thing that happens and longing for it for years, telling myself all the work is temporary, only to return to videogames eventually.)

Stay strong my mate, seemingly this life requires it.

Absolutely best wishes! Looking forward to your next entries and replies, if you choose to continue with them.

P.S. If you have thoughts about anything just let me know. Saying I'm wrong about anything is also okay.
I might of course be. Let's discuss this, whether you agree or disagree :)

@Yan First, a quick clarification: That counter I am using is for 2026. I went 50 days without games but half of those days were in 2025. The counter is now the following:

Gaming - 7

Individuality, Life - 34 (hopefully 35 today)

Second, I was about to go on a long rant about wealth inequality, and how the world sucks and things like that, but truth is, you are absolutely right in one thing: I cannot control any of that shit, because it is so beyond the capabilities of a normal human such as myself. I will try to follow your advice, and focus on what I can in fact control.

Anyways, today I did not feel so bad at work. I applied a very simple strategy, consisting of avoiding working for more than 1 hour straight, while taking short but frequent breaks. The day was way more palatable, and I was able to slowly get my shit done to leave on time. Additionally, despite the complete lack of leadership in my directorate at the company, I have great colleagues that I really like. They support me, help me grow in my field, and are overall great people. I guess not everyone is a disease, a cancer of this planet like Agent Smith proclaimed in the Matrix.

NEXT STEPS

• Like I said before, focus on what I can control: how I conduct myself in all areas of my life, such as the way I behave at my job, the way I deal with my family and their ceaseless demands, without forgetting my friends.

• Prioritize my health, above all else: At the end of the day, without health, I can't do jack shit. I will not perform well at my job, or even become incapacitated if I don't watch out, and I definitely will not enjoy the finest things in life if I am ill - walks in nature, the laugh of my loved ones, the smell of paper emanating from a new book, delicious home cooking, among other things.

Hello. Today I felt... distracted at work. I could not focus on a single task, and wasted most of the day. I started getting anxious due to my lack of productivity, and took a tranquilizer to calm my nerves. It partially worked, but left me somewhat numb and in a sort of a torpor. I haven't drunk coffee for some days, to make sure my anxiety was minimal, but today I lacked the energy it provides. It was not a case of poor sleep, I slept roughly 10 hours, but I still feel without energy.

On 2/11/2026 at 10:00 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

without games but half of those days were in 2025. The counter is now the following:

Gaming - 7

Individuality, Life - 34 (hopefully 35 today)

I think you can include the days of last year too. Those are quite a few days that you have in your favor. And I do not see why on the 1.1 it has to reset. It is part of your history in this ongoing battle :) Wow, 4 more days! My MAN! Those are especially hard days since you relapsed a few days ago. Every day counts and if you didn't give yourself a pat on the back, here's one from me!

On 2/11/2026 at 10:00 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

and focus on what I can in fact control

Amen.

On 2/11/2026 at 10:00 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

I guess not everyone is a disease, a cancer of this planet like Agent Smith proclaimed in the Matrix.

Hurts me to hear such exclamations. Even people who seem to have done you harm, did or do so because that is the best way they have to deal with life. They too are sons of god who are trying their best to deal with this world. We are all brothers here. Would you say your brother or sister are a disease, or your parents? Even if they did something not a 100% favorable to you? Or even 0% favorable for that matter?
Did you never do some such thing yourself? I'm sure you try not to, but sometimes those things happen...

Anyway we are a whole, humans. Completing eachother. Try not to be mad at your brothers, even if they make mistakes... None of us are perfect. Neither you nor I.

On 2/11/2026 at 10:00 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

Like I said before, focus on what I can control:

Amen x2

On 2/11/2026 at 10:00 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

the finest things in life if I am ill - walks in nature, the laugh of my loved ones, the smell of paper emanating from a new book, delicious home cooking, among other things.

Now you're talking!!! Of that I'd love to hear more! Amen amen amen! + Indeed focus on health should be the top of you're values in my opinion. Except for, possibly, some outstanding one time short term cases.

7 hours ago, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

I started getting anxious due to my lack of productivity

In my journal, I give myself 3 Things I did well, and 1 Thing I could do better every day. Notice the formulation: One thing I could do better. Not one thing I did bad.
It connects to what I've said before, we all men do mistakes. Accept yourself as is. You are doing your best. Hitting someone will just get you super likely to get hit back. We humans have mirror neurons. The same is true with yourself. If you hit yourself, you'll hit back ;) Try being a scientist with the way you do things, not a drill sergeant.
Thing of one simple thing at a time you could improve and execute. One! Rome wasn't built in a day. And it was built brick by brick. You don't lay a building in a day, or 60 seconds. But you can lay a brick in 60 seconds! and maybe even a few!

On 2/13/2026 at 2:06 AM, Yan said:

Hurts me to hear such exclamations. Even people who seem to have done you harm, did or do so because that is the best way they have to deal with life. They too are sons of god who are trying their best to deal with this world. We are all brothers here. Would you say your brother or sister are a disease, or your parents? Even if they did something not a 100% favorable to you? Or even 0% favorable for that matter?

To be fair, it is not so much as what people did to me, but what people do to each other on a regular basis. As you said, we are all imperfect, including myself, but I guess my brain, due perhaps to my neurodivergence, tends to focus on the negative side of mankind. When I say that people are a disease, I include myself. In fact, I tend to have a worse outlook on my own personality compared to how I perceive others, and maybe I reflect my bad opinion of myself on those around me.

Anyways, Thursday recovered my steam account and played 43 minutes of Skyrim. Yesterday had an excellent day of WFO - worked really well using the pomodoro method, something I cannot do when working in the office (I would like to imagine the faces of my bosses if I stood up from my chair every 25 minutes, like I did yesterday), and played an additional 45 minutes of Skyrim. Today I woke up really inspired - took a shower, shaved, combed my hair and applied some hair wax to it, got dressed in a slightly more formal way, instead of my usual sweatpants + sweatshirt weekend style. Went out with family, filled my car's gas tank and tires, fed my cats, hanged some clothing to dry after taking out clothes that were already dry, washed some more clothes, made both beds - mine and my mother's, and finished my sixth book of the year.

And I will play Skyrim, not because I feel the compulsion to play, but because I really want to. I will apply the pomodoro method to my gaming session, and tell you how it goes.