Weekend. I am currently writing this on my smartphone, because I ended up storing my dumbphone away and returned to my smartphone. It is a bit of a step back, but I was feeling starved of dopamine and basically replaced my phone with my old surface. Instead, I am going to do the opposite approach, I will try to leverage the positive aspects of the phone, namely the increasing processing power and various useful apps like Notion, Anki, and an Epub reader, to be as productive as possible, basically using my addiction to become great

Hello.

I am feeling extremely depressed. I have a stable job with stable income, a relatively large social circle, I am finishing my master's, but I'm failing in being happy. I am not playing games, but at this point why bother with abstinence if I will still feel like shit.

I believed that awareness of my BPD would help me understand my feeling and allow me to live a happy life, and I have been trying to fight back, but I can't anymore. I am tired.

Yesterday I was feeling extremely down, and ended up almost cutting my own wrist with a nail file, or rather, stab myself with it. I did not draw blood, but if left a mark for a few hours. In addition, I found myself checking stuff related to Morrowind - character planers, wiki articles, and others. Ended up not relapsing, and relaxed with some friends at a restaurant.

In addition, I believe I was putting too much on my plate at the same time: Working, Studying for my master's, studying languages (german and japanese), studying for IT certifications, reading books and trying to take a lot of notes, chores and family, while also trying to avoid games, porn, caffeine and doom scrolling.

As someone with BPD, this is an insane amount of tasks, so many of them need to go right now.

I will only keep Work, Master's, reading books without taking any notes (just a casual reader), chores, family and avoiding games.

I will postpone the others for the short-term future.

24 days free, btw.

Freeing myself from many of my burdens was exactly what I needed. I reviewed my Anki flashcards related to my exam (the last exam and then I will only have the Thesis remaining) on my way to work. I was very productive, like yesterday in fact, and worked out during lunch time.

I've been very inconsistent with my workouts. Some weeks I would workout 3+ times a week, but then I would have weeks with 0 or 1 workouts. I decided to be more modest in my goals. For the foreseeable future, my goal is to workout 2 times per week - lower body one day, upper body in the other - and it is the second consecutive week of doing this.

Right now I am euphoric due to accomplishing my goals for today, and now I will just relax, and have dinner with friends, since I won't work tomorrow and Thursday

Hello people. Last entry of the year, and I'm finishing it with a 26 day no-gaming streak. Despite all my mood swings and emotional crisis, I ended the year on a high-note.

Happy new year everyone!

First two days of the year nearly completed without games. However, during my shift at work, I listened to game soundtracks, and I have to admit some temptation crept in. Still, no games, and although my shift is not over yet, I already did all the work I had scheduled for today

Slept it in today, since I was feeling extra sleepy due to my medication. Today I reached the 30 day game-free mark. I studied for my exam, had lunch with family, read manga and finished the book I mentioned in my last entry - that makes it 2 books in 4 days. Overall a good day

Nice work on 30 days free! Keep it up. And be careful with the game soundtracks. Some users have said it can be a slippery slope. And great job on two books in four days!

No sleeping in today. Woke up at 6, started working at 7:30, did my workout at 12:15, and then I went back to work, for 2,5 hours. Productive af day.

Woke up at the same time, worked normally, but instead of working out at lunch hour, decided to postpone it for after my shift was over.

32 days without gaming, my fourth best streak rn

Woke up at 5, began working at 7:15, and only finished half an hour ago: I am insanely tired as a result. I already took my meds, and when i get home, I will have a warm shower, and go to bed.

Finally, a proper day of work, with the added benefit of not wasting time with the regular commute. I think I will stay home all day, and go to bed early

Another good night of sleep, that prepared me for a busy Saturday dealing with family affairs. Tomorrow I will, hopefully, have the whole day for myself, to prepare for my final exam

Edited January 10Jan 10 by FormerSKyrimEnjoyer

Overslept today, but I still managed to study a couple of hours in preparation for my final exam. However, I am feeling very anxious. Over this year and a half, since I began working, that I realized that I regret starting to work before finishing my Master's. It is not a matter of available time to study, but a feeling of being overwhelmed while trying to balance studies, work and family duties. On that last point, when I began my second year in my degree, I asked my family to help me with some of the tasks that I currently have in my family, like driving my mother and grandmother around since they don't drive, however everyone in my family just ignored me, and continued to dump everything on my shoulders. It should be noted that I am not an healthy individual, since I have BPD and need medication to just function, Even if everything goes according to plan, I probably lost some of my lifespan with all the stress I have been enduring in this last year and a half, explaining why I want to immerse myself in the world of Skyrim or Morrowind

To conclude, I want to confess a feeling that I have about a friend: she is two years younger than me, yet she already finished her Masters, got a permanent contract in her org, has a stable relationship and already has her own home. Meanwhile I am still struggling to finish my Masters, won't get a permanent contract in my company while I won't finish my degree, never dated and I still live with my mother. I feel useless, incompetent, and weak

Already worked for today, and now I am waiting for the exam to start. I had to take two tranquilizers already, because I am just so nervous. I studied a lot, but I feel like I know nothing

Another hard day at work, and I did not receive my grade yet - my professor told me I would get it today. I tried to relax, but with work and other obligations I couldn't. I'm trying to unwind now, however I still have not gotten home, and I will have to be at the office tomorrow before 8 AM, which means I will have to wake up at 6 AM at the latest

Passed my exam, fuck yeah. Now only the Thesis remains. Ah, and 40 days without gaming. I am considerably calmer now.

A tranquil day at work, especially since I worked from home. GOD, do I love working from home. I worked while wearing sweatpants (can't do that shit at the office), saved two hours of the day because I did not commute there, and I have to admit having lunch alone sometimes is soothing to my mind. Even knowing the downsides like lack of social interaction and lack of exercise don't bother me that much. Right now I work from home 2x per week, but I would gladly increase that number to 3x per week. Not to mention I feel like I am more productive at home than at the office, with all its noise and constant interruptions from other people.

42 days without gaming, although today I am feeling a lot of urges to play.

Finally weekend, but I will not be able to rest much, because I volunteered to do some work tomorrow, and I will have to attend a birthday party today. I really needed the rest, but oh well. 43 days without gaming.

On 1/16/2026 at 7:19 PM, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

A tranquil day at work, especially since I worked from home. GOD, do I love working from home. I worked while wearing sweatpants (can't do that shit at the office), saved two hours of the day because I did not commute there, and I have to admit having lunch alone sometimes is soothing to my mind. Even knowing the downsides like lack of social interaction and lack of exercise don't bother me that much. Right now I work from home 2x per week, but I would gladly increase that number to 3x per week. Not to mention I feel like I am more productive at home than at the office, with all its noise and constant interruptions from other people.

42 days without gaming, although today I am feeling a lot of urges to play.

When you feel an urge to play, remember that even if you return to gaming - every day you invest there will bring you farther from your life goals.

Because a minute invested in gaming is a minute not invested in your other goals.
What would you rather have, a life of fulfilled potential(or at least striving towards one)? Or a life of short term pleasures with a mounting up pile of regret?

Yes it's painful. But this pain is less painful than looking back and understanding you've thrown your days to the trash basket and now there's absolutely nothing you can do to return them.

Or at least so I believe.

Cheers!

P.S. Also think of taking half an hour a day to think of who you intend to become long term. Which will strengthen this vision in your mind and possibly help you gradually drift away from gaming thoughts.

This way you will gradually need to use less willpower as a will of thumb, because you'll be seeing progress on other amazing goals.

Let me know if you have thought of some ambicious long term goal. You don't have to share the goal itself. Better tell us when you achieve it :)
I mean just let me know you thought of one :)

Hello

On 1/18/2026 at 1:23 AM, Yan said:

When you feel an urge to play, remember that even if you return to gaming - every day you invest there will bring you farther from your life goals.

Because a minute invested in gaming is a minute not invested in your other goals.
What would you rather have, a life of fulfilled potential(or at least striving towards one)? Or a life of short term pleasures with a mounting up pile of regret?

Yes it's painful. But this pain is less painful than looking back and understanding you've thrown your days to the trash basket and now there's absolutely nothing you can do to return them.

Or at least so I believe.

Cheers!

P.S. Also think of taking half an hour a day to think of who you intend to become long term. Which will strengthen this vision in your mind and possibly help you gradually drift away from gaming thoughts.

This way you will gradually need to use less willpower as a will of thumb, because you'll be seeing progress on other amazing goals.

Let me know if you have thought of some ambicious long term goal. You don't have to share the goal itself. Better tell us when you achieve it :)
I mean just let me know you thought of one :)

Hello, thank you for posting. I do have two huge goals right now, that I want to accomplish, or rather, have to accomplish this year. I will tell you all when they are completed, or at least that I tried until the end. And you are right, I cannot do this if I return to gaming, although sometimes I really want to.

Anyways, another workday done, and 46 days without gaming. However, I must say that I expected to get more gains in terms of emotional stability than the ones I am actually making. I'm still having extreme mood swings, irritability, misanthropic tendencies, and others. Honestly, I know I must stay away from gaming to accomplished my aforementioned goals, but sometimes I do not see sufficient incentive to continue my abstinence.

10 hours ago, FormerSKyrimEnjoyer said:

Honestly, I know I must stay away from gaming to accomplished my aforementioned goals, but sometimes I do not see sufficient incentive to continue my abstinence.

It seems that these symptoms arose now, specifically when you are abstaining from gaming, if I understand correctly.

In this case, I believe those are just withdrawal symptoms.
A result of not receiving the dopamine because of the achievements that allow you to achieve it so quickly in games.

In life outside of video-games it is way harder to get this dopamine.
For example if you want to run a marathon, you need to prepare years or so. If you want to invent the lightbulb ( :D ) You need to have about 100 million failed attempts.

But even in the smaller things.
When you prepare for the marathon, you do get a dopamine rush after every completed run. But, it is of course harder than clicking a few buttons on a keyboard. At least physically. What's more - You often don't even see progress, you seem to be doing the same thing and sometimes running even slower. It takes so much time to get better.

But. That is why it also makes you so proud so long as you do it. Because you are doing what you were meant to. You are devoting your hormonal system to achieving what you were brought to this earth to do (subjectively, or some would argue objectively).

Just throwing some thoughts on paper. Let me know what ya' think.

P.S. Think about it, you could go and play right now, now imagine yourself after one day of playing. How do you feel at the end of the day?
You are moving forward towards the goal of becoming a higher level in some game if it's an a MMO. Skyrim also.
But after you get to this higher level. Will you feel satisfied? Will you be willing to invest all the time it takes to such a high level? Or will you stop again because of lack of purpose and feel that it was wasted time?

There is no way around it. You need to go through this craving period to get your hormonal levels in balance. It is goddamn painful, but as you go on it becomes less of a thing.

Rememeber how you will feel at the end of the day. At the moment that you stop playing and go to sleep or even go to the toilet for one second. Regret sets in quite fast and you feel trapped and want out again. But every day you play you make it harder on yourself. The most dangerous day is the first one. It is the trigger of all the others.

That said, again. Think of what you want to achieve. because just knowing the negative effects of gaming is not enough. If you're not absolutely engrossed in what you need to do these thoughts tend to come back. That's how it is. When you don't saw and cultivate a healthy crop intentionally and tend to it every day, weeds will grow automatically. You don't need to do anything for them to grow.


An abrupt closure.

Cheers :):):)

Just now, Yan said:

Think about it, you could go and play right now, now imagine yourself after one day of playing. How do you feel at the end of the day?

P.P.S. After you think of one, think how you'll feel after two, after three. After each.

Every such day makes you into a useless piece of skin that is largely uncontributing in this world, perhaps besides to the pocket of the game developers. But hey, that's just my extremist opinion. That's how I see it for myself. There is not one truth. There are people who believe that they just live to eat, shit, take some immediate pleasure for the hormones and repeat. It is enough for them not to have some higher purpose... That's their choice however. I'd love to try and make my life count at least as far as I have the power to do so. After all I'm just one tiny dot in the universe. Even as human species we are a tiny dot in the universe. There is no real sense. But, if I could somewhat contribute to human progress... It makes me a little bit bigger, because humans will live longer than I will.

Alright I must go to bed and get on with the true, "boring" (but goddamn the best thing I could do) work that all this requires.

Good night again

My streak continues, but so does my negative emotional state. I'm trying to be more supportive of the people around me, smile a lot, crack some jokes and take things lightly. However I don't believe I am succeeding. First, my jokes tend to lean on Dark Humor and razor-sharp sarcasm (Thank you Dr. House for molding my brain that way), second, every time I see someone do some stupid thing, commit evil acts, or just good ol' incompetence at work, my misanthropic tendencies just go from 0 to 100 faster than a sports car. That misanthropy includes myself because I am just as bad as everyone else, perhaps even worse, considering that I recognize all the flaws in myself, and still fail to correct them. The only difference is I have to live with myself 24/7, but I do not have to live with others, so I guess I tend to focus more on the others. I will discuss these feelings with my therapist today, and I will tell you how it goes