Matthew's Journal

[Hosser]

DAY 1:
Today is going to be the first day that I really commit to quitting games and improving my life. I have been reading the respawn guide and I am working through the worksheets and trying to spend some time really contemplating how to make more intentional choices in my life. Truthfully I am scared that this will end up as a fruitless attempt to change just like all the others. I feel as though if I charted my life on a graph, the addiction has slowly got worse and especially since covid I think that really made me take a turn for the worse. I want to take this opportunity to go from being someone that mindlessly consumes to someone that can take pride in how I spend my time and what I create in this world, I am optimistic and I want to stay resolved and take it one step at a time.

MY BACKSTORY: As a kid I was always into gaming and playing games, but it was never an addiction, we only had consoles and I did have access to a laptop but I only really occasionally played some games and the computer was never actually meant to run gaming. In 2014 we got an xbox one, I would play minecraft and destiny and forza, all fun games that intrigued me and I never felt addicted. However, In 2016 after a few years of relatively normal gaming, Overwatch came out, I was 12 and it was really the first game that scratched my competitive itch, I played all the time on console and I would stay up late grinding ranked and trying to get a better rank so I could prove I was superior to my friends. After a year of this in 2017 I finally got steam, and was introduced to the world of steam sales and games for pennies on the dollar. I started off getting a few games with 20$ steam cards at first and picking out the best possible games to play was a lot of fun. when 2018 started, I got dragged into the fortnite craze and this also ignited my competitive drive and desire for socialization (if you were my age then, you would understand that playing fortnite was basically a social standard). in 2018 I also got something that marked the shift into full addiction, my first gaming laptop. It was blazing fast and could play all those shiny new games I had bought on steam. I continued playing fortnite socially with friends but mainly sticking to singleplayer games on steam, and picking up new games when they were on sale. around 2020 when fortnite was finally starting to lose popularity, and covid hit at the start of the year, my friends and I were trying to find a new game to play since we had already gone through the usuals like minecraft, terraria, fortnite etc. We decided to give League of Legends a try. BIG NO NO, I got addicted, the competitive desire and the desire to prove that I was good at something was like a fire under me. at my peak from 2020 to 2022 I was in online highschool with 2 weeks in person 2 weeks at home. I would finish the hour of online classes and then play 10+ games of ranked trying to grind and improve my rank, I can say for sure there were days when I would wake up at 9am and only play league till 12pm and then go to sleep. At that point I didnt even enjoy the game, I would get angry and irritable, and if a game wasnt going my way it was just a waste of 30 minutes. My friends slowly either stopped playing ranked, or quit the game alltogether. when I finally hit my peak rank emerald, It just... came and went... nothing... I had achieved it, but what did it really mean, I spent hours grinding for numbers on a screen, and when I showed my friends it didnt really matter because they had already quit.

Nowadays I find that ill sit down on my computer and I wont even feel like playing anything, I feel as though the years of league really cooked my dopamine receptors, I only play online games and the last singleplayer game I finished was Cyberpunk 2 years ago. truthfully I dont really know if ill fully quit gaming but if anything i really want to get away from competitive gaming, and scale back to weekend gaming on singleplayer games at most, but thats another decision for another day.

To exacerbate my gaming issues I also struggled with pretty heavy use of marijuana once I became legal in 2023 for a few months to mask my pain and hide away in my comfort zone (I have since then had on and off with it, but alongside quitting gaming I resolved to quit weed too, and have been off it for the past 2 months). As a result I slowly turned myself into a shell, I am nothing, my existence was competitive gaming with university on the side, no hobbies, no girlfriend, no social life or activities aside from talking with my same group of friends from high school. I dont really know what I want to do with my degree and maybe if I wasnt so busy gaming I would have thought about it before picking the degree. but I am resolved to really commit myself to something and I think all of these unhealthy habits and especially gaming are at the root of my issues. The fact that not getting a coop placement this summer barely hit me and Im happy getting 60s and 70s really proves how jaded I have become, so I am resolved to finally bite the bullet and get rid of these bad habits and build new ones that I can foster into new things to enjoy, rather than wasting away in front of my desktop.

I WILL SEIZE THIS OPPORTUNITY.

Edited May 26 by Hosser

[allanjchiang]

Sounds like maybe you feel a bit frustrated because you feel like you spent a bit too much time on gaming?

Well done on taking the first step and being so vulnerable about your experiences. I can appreciate the amount of effort it must have taken to make this post.

I don't know if you want any recommendations but what helped me a lot was reading about self-compassion.

[Hosser]

DAY 2:
I do have some cravings to play games, but I found that making sure I have a list of hobbies has already helped. Even though it was tough I decided to be productive and focus on some drawing and reading through a coding book to try and build my skills. I am planning to get out of the house and go for a walk later so that I don't have any temptations in the evening. 

Also thanks for the positive words Allan! I have been reading your recent posts too and its nice to see other people on here active and committed to making better changes in their life. I will try reading some self compassion stuff as you suggested!

[Hosser]

DAY 3:
Today wasnt the greatest day, I got a job rejection for an interview and it was my last hope for getting a coop. I am a bit sad and stressed about it, but im trying to remind myself that getting a coop isnt the end of the world for me, so i dont stress about it which would lead me to just end up binging games for hours to forget about it. In terms of some good things I did, I completed the first chapter of a C++ Game Dev book that I bought and was putting off completing. I also ate pretty healthy and went for a walk. I am pretty tired of the mentally challenging stuff for the day so I might end up continuing a drawing tutorial I was following to persue a more creative outlet. I did get trapped in a bit of mindless youtube scrolling and boredom but I was able to mostly resist and limit those breaks to 20 minutes at most. 

[Ameissen]

Great job, Hosser. My instinct is to suggest that when you feel tired of the mentally challenging stuff for the day, consider whether even following a drawing tutorial is also mentally taxing at all -- and if so, consider simply drawing in concordance with your feelings, your physical body, letting your mind rest. Let it be a free, happy activity, with your own rules or lack of rules. That could also help with your boredom and youtube scrolling, since it would more precisely address what your system is looking for. Incorporate mental activity into the task only as it feels natural, and flows organically into the process, even if the thoughts are negative or chaotic -- let it be refuge for yourself, where all is safe and good.

[Hosser]

DAY 9:
Missed a few days journaling due to being a bit busy and also a bit lazy. As a result of this I want to strive to make journaling an evening habit before winding down for the evening. Aside from that, I was not able to fully abstain from playing games, on the weekend I ended up relapsing on games after nearly 6 days off them. It was still a win for me though because it allowed me to understand what my triggers and temptations were (being on late with friends). I also didnt play any competitive online games and only played for an hour on saturday/sunday evenings. So while I had wanted to ideally stay away altogether, I have already cut back quite a bit, and now is just a matter of sticking to it without getting distracted.

[allanjchiang]

8 hours ago, Hosser said:

DAY 9:
Missed a few days journaling due to being a bit busy and also a bit lazy. As a result of this I want to strive to make journaling an evening habit before winding down for the evening. Aside from that, I was not able to fully abstain from playing games, on the weekend I ended up relapsing on games after nearly 6 days off them. It was still a win for me though because it allowed me to understand what my triggers and temptations were (being on late with friends). I also didnt play any competitive online games and only played for an hour on saturday/sunday evenings. So while I had wanted to ideally stay away altogether, I have already cut back quite a bit, and now is just a matter of sticking to it without getting distracted.

None of us are perfect. Sometimes, good enough is good enough. I've missed many days of journaling. I want you to know that you are not alone. Celebrate yourself for having stopped for 6 days after what may have been almost a lifetime of addiction! And keep going strong. Don't give up. You're almost there. You just can't see it yet. But you got this. I say I quit gaming for 16 days but I still play games disguised as "visual novels." Again, you are not alone.

Anyway, keep going through the modules. It'll be tough but it's worth it. It only gets better from here on out.

[Hosser]

DAY 18: My gaming habits have overall been better, I have only played a few evenings on the weekends rather than just all day every day. But I have definitely been feeling a desire recently to game, since things have been a bit rough for me lately. I wasnt able to find a Coop job for my university program, so that has hit me pretty hard and made me feel like I'm not very smart and uncertain of my future. I know that all of these feelings and urges and in the mind so I am trying my best not to think about them but it is tough to shift the mindset. I am considering trying to do a 90 day detox but when I think about the fact that it would mean my 3 months over the summer will be boring and wasted and then ill be back to school. But then again I didn't find a coop and I should be working technically this term. So I think at this point I owe it to myself to spend the next 3 months trying to improve and focus on activities that boost my resume and broaden my hobbies, rather than sinking back to where I was before, isolated in my room and just playing games all day, I know I would feel comfy and safe but I would also feel unfulfilled doing nothing all summer. I recently bought a coding book, and some art supplies to try and work through, but I have been having trouble following through since I don't really have a set schedule for anything and I am not currently in work, my days are fully free and I find if I dont have anything planned I wont get anything done and ill just look for ways to kill time. 

[allanjchiang]

9 hours ago, Hosser said:

DAY 18: My gaming habits have overall been better, I have only played a few evenings on the weekends rather than just all day every day. But I have definitely been feeling a desire recently to game, since things have been a bit rough for me lately. I wasnt able to find a Coop job for my university program, so that has hit me pretty hard and made me feel like I'm not very smart and uncertain of my future. I know that all of these feelings and urges and in the mind so I am trying my best not to think about them but it is tough to shift the mindset. I am considering trying to do a 90 day detox but when I think about the fact that it would mean my 3 months over the summer will be boring and wasted and then ill be back to school. But then again I didn't find a coop and I should be working technically this term. So I think at this point I owe it to myself to spend the next 3 months trying to improve and focus on activities that boost my resume and broaden my hobbies, rather than sinking back to where I was before, isolated in my room and just playing games all day, I know I would feel comfy and safe but I would also feel unfulfilled doing nothing all summer. I recently bought a coding book, and some art supplies to try and work through, but I have been having trouble following through since I don't really have a set schedule for anything and I am not currently in work, my days are fully free and I find if I dont have anything planned I wont get anything done and ill just look for ways to kill time. 

I would recommend not to beat yourself up over not being productive. According to Tal Ben-Shahar from "The Pursuit of Perfect", resting and relaxing actually improves productivity. Studies have shown that taking one day a week off work/study helps productivity along with taking breaks after a maximum of 90 minutes of deep work.

[Hosser]

DAY 19: went to my younger brothers high school graduation, I was preoccupied most of the day getting ready and didn't even think about games in the little bit of free time I had. I am also working on a calendar that has a daily schedule so I know exactly what I should be doing at what time and I can force myself to commit to doing it. I've found that having too much time has become a negative rather than a positive because I find that I get burned out of other activities and hobbies much quicker when compared to gaming. So I find that without a specific schedule I just end up trying to kill time and find ways to do nothing. The graduation ceremony was nice but it also brought back a lot of emotions for me since I am only a few years out of high school and I was remembering what it was like hanging out with my friends back then and that inevitably ed me to thinking about gaming, although I didn't have the urge to play it I still miss going on and playing all the time, even though I know it isn't sustainable or healthy. I think this might be because I associate gaming with low stress, since usually my gaming picked up when there was "less to do" in terms of school, and at that time I never really considered that my free time could be used on anything but video games.

 

Either way I know I cant go back in time, and that I need to keep moving forward and bettering myself, and I think that a well planned calendar could help with that immensely. Since my willpower is very low, I find that I usually cave easily and give in to my comfort zone/easy activities like gaming, or smoking, or drinking. all equally bad habits that I am trying to quit. Its just I find that when things are quiet, when I don't have much to do, rather than defaulting to learning something new, being productive, or trying a new hobby, I regress back to my room and do nothing. 

 

In terms of a few good things I've done today, I completed a chapter in the coding book I am working through, I went to the gym and I am planning to go for a bike ride. I usually also end up going out with my friends to drink and play games on weekends, but this weekend I am going to stay away from the drinks and try and rewire my brain away from the assumption that evenings and weekends shouldn't be productive since that's how I lived for so long.

[allanjchiang]

13 hours ago, Hosser said:

DAY 19: went to my younger brothers high school graduation, I was preoccupied most of the day getting ready and didn't even think about games in the little bit of free time I had. I am also working on a calendar that has a daily schedule so I know exactly what I should be doing at what time and I can force myself to commit to doing it. I've found that having too much time has become a negative rather than a positive because I find that I get burned out of other activities and hobbies much quicker when compared to gaming. So I find that without a specific schedule I just end up trying to kill time and find ways to do nothing. The graduation ceremony was nice but it also brought back a lot of emotions for me since I am only a few years out of high school and I was remembering what it was like hanging out with my friends back then and that inevitably ed me to thinking about gaming, although I didn't have the urge to play it I still miss going on and playing all the time, even though I know it isn't sustainable or healthy. I think this might be because I associate gaming with low stress, since usually my gaming picked up when there was "less to do" in terms of school, and at that time I never really considered that my free time could be used on anything but video games.

 

Either way I know I cant go back in time, and that I need to keep moving forward and bettering myself, and I think that a well planned calendar could help with that immensely. Since my willpower is very low, I find that I usually cave easily and give in to my comfort zone/easy activities like gaming, or smoking, or drinking. all equally bad habits that I am trying to quit. Its just I find that when things are quiet, when I don't have much to do, rather than defaulting to learning something new, being productive, or trying a new hobby, I regress back to my room and do nothing. 

 

In terms of a few good things I've done today, I completed a chapter in the coding book I am working through, I went to the gym and I am planning to go for a bike ride. I usually also end up going out with my friends to drink and play games on weekends, but this weekend I am going to stay away from the drinks and try and rewire my brain away from the assumption that evenings and weekends shouldn't be productive since that's how I lived for so long.

Well done on completing a chapter in a coding book, going to the gym and planning for a bike ride.

I've been wanting to study coding for the longest time and I did for a while but I stopped recently. I might try pick it up again. Apps are all the rage nowadays. 

I think going to the gym is a great destresser and it's a competition with yourself. There's measurable progress usually. Of course, not every session will have more reps or heavier weights. Like many parts of life, gym progress isn't linear, it goes up and down. But hopefully up. I haven't been to the gym for 2 weeks now because I had a fractured foot but yesterday I went to the gym. It felt great. Somehow, I could still lift the same weights as before the injury. Once I recover, I might hire a personal trainer too.

There are many people in the world who don't drink and play games. In other words, there are plenty of fish in the sea. If all your friends drink and play games, you will too. As Cam said it bluntly, along this journey you may lose some friends. But you will gain even better friends.

Actually, I would highly recommend joining a Toastmasters club. Just my two cents. I've been in a Toastmasters club for 5-6 years. I started off as a guest not being able to even say two words in front of a crowd, then the club equipment manager, vice president education and now I'm the president. It has helped my confidence tremendously. You can attend as a guest for free as many times as you want and you can ask to do a 1-2 minute impromptu speech with the "table topics master."

Anyway, this was a long reply. I wish you all the best.