Allan's Journal

[allanjchiang]

I'm feeling super anxious about quitting gaming because I've always regretted quitting since the game I used to play was very addictive and had a lot of FOMO elements. Basically, if you weren't logging in everyday, you'd be missing out on a ton of rewards. It also fueled my gambling addiction too. I think I spent like at least $500 on that game. Too much that could have been used for other things.

[allanjchiang]

Day 2 of no gaming. I felt bored and wanted a sense of achievement so I lifted weights. I then felt stressed so I decided to sing. It sucks that I can't sing all day since my throat will get tired. However, I guess I could try learning piano or violin. Honestly, learning an instrument kind of stresses me out too. But over time, you see a sense of measurable progress, going from not being able to play to being able to play that measure or bar.

[allanjchiang]

Day 3 of no gaming. I can already feel the huge cravings. It sucks that all the activities I have to replace gaming generally take a maximum of one hour. Except maybe for reading. Although, even reading, I feel like is too stressful rather than relaxing. When I played games I could literally turn my brain off because it was that easy. I could also spend many hours on it without fear of extremely negative thoughts. I think maybe I could try meditating or drawing. I really need to start small and not try to be a perfectionist.

[allanjchiang]

Day 4 of no gaming. Except I still use a game disguised as a "habit tracker" app. I also use a game disguised as a "play to earn" game. I feel proud of myself though because I went to badminton even though I had a headache and my back was a bit "sore." This fulfilled many different needs such as mental engagement, a sense of progress, relieving boredom, escaping from work and making friends. They actually have this club every night so in theory, I could go every night if I wanted to get something social done. I composed my first song in a very long time, maybe three to four months I haven't composed. I'm proud of myself for that. I went to a violin lesson for 1.5 hours today. Another achievement. I studied portuguese for 25 minutes. I did yoga. I woke up early.

I think I need a lot of protein though, I haven't been getting enough.

[Ameissen]

Good job Allan. Good work at all you've done to build your life outside of games. The anxiety and stress and boredom you feel will pass as you have more time away from games. Your brain needs time to recover, especially its dopamine. It will get subtly easier every day. After two weeks it will be quite a bit deal easier; after a month, even easier, and after many months, this stress and anxiety is more of a rare but manageable occurrence. Your activities will become innately fulfilling and joyful.

And good job noticing where you used games disguised as something else, or game-like technology. Just find your way back. Forgive yourself and move on, so that you can focus on the good life you are building, which is ultimately the whole point. 🙂

[allanjchiang]

Thank you! This helps a lot.

[allanjchiang]

Day 5 of no gaming. I feel the cravings to play games very strongly, probably because I've been watching gameplay videos for the music. Maybe I could avoid anything game related, even music or maybe I have the willpower--No, willpower is finite. However, I did play the violin for 90 minutes today. It's probably been the first time I've had to focus for so long. Taking a break felt way more rewarding after some good work.

[Ameissen]

Heck yeah, Allan. Great job. So much good here.

Focusing on a single activity that is wholesome like violin playing for over an hour -- and I have found 90 minutes to be a magical sweet-spot for a period of focus that also leaves you feeling replenished -- is great recovery. You're allowing yourself the length of time needed to get into a flow state, which is innately rewarding and is what many people report as being the happiest experiences of their lives. Keep that up, I root for you there.

As you note, too, it is very rewarding.

I would definitely recommend avoid anything gaming related, such as watching gameplay videos or listening to video game music. You'll feel tortured by thoughts of gaming -- whether they are new imaginations, or memories of the past. Ultimately you want to be free of gaming in your behavior -and- your thoughts. You want to be present with what you're doing in your life this very moment, which is where all the richness of life is. When you go to think about other things, you'll want your thoughts to be supportive -- not a struggle against things you no longer want to do because they cause you pain and unhappiness even in moderation. Part of that pain is simply because they can stick in your thoughts, causing you to feel out of the moment even when you're doing something else -- which is an unhappy, not-so-rich place to be.

So yes, I would encourage you move on from watching gaming videos of any sort even for the music. Luckily, there is a lot of very good music to discover. I've enjoyed simpler ambient music that touches on my fantastical side through creators such as this one: https://www.youtube.com/@LegendsOfFantasia/videos. Even better for you right now may be something that altogether does not remind you of anything gaming related, but still nourishes you with good sound.

It'll take some time to discover that, but it will be refuge, and bring you great joy and peace.

And yes -- your willpower is part of your overall energy, and you do not want to exhaust yourself. You need your wits about you as you go along this recovery journey. Minimizing what causes you to struggle will help your overall energy levels. You'll be able to use that energy to build the things in your life you do want.

You'll craft yourself into your much happier life sooner that way.

[allanjchiang]

Thank you. This helps a lot.

[allanjchiang]

Day 6 of no gaming. At the moment I feel like sleeping the whole afternoon away because I want to "kill" time rather than invest it. From my experience, sleeping all day is something that causes me a lot of distress yet I still do it anyway. The reason why I used to relapse was because I was just sleeping all day. Which in my mind, gaming was better than sleeping in the afternoon since it didn't cause me to have poorer quality sleep at night. As I'm writing this, I will try set a timer and hope I wake up after 20 minutes rather than sleeping 2-3 hours. I decided to read and listen to music because I was so tired from taking a 2 hour class in the morning. I think I could treat myself with more compassion and remind myself that it's ok to sleep, it's ok to rest. But then, I could do better next time but it's not the end of the world.

[allanjchiang]

Entry Monday 26th

Day 7: No Gaming
Day 1: Naps <30 minutes

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• 90 Minutes of Assignments
• Limited nap to 30 minutes
• Replaced ice cream with 90% cocoa dark chocolate

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• Attend dance class even if it's raining, don't use weather as an excuse. I could have wore a raincoat or used an umbrella. I will compensate by watching dance tutorials on YouTube but it won't replace the social aspect of a dance class.

[allanjchiang]

Reminder to add meditation and learning languages to "day no."

[allanjchiang]

Entry Tuesday 27th

Day 8: No Gaming
Day 2: Naps <30 minutes
Day 1: Meditate 10 minutes
Day 1: Study Languages

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• Made three YouTube videos
• Meditated 10 minutes
• Went for a 5 minute walk

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• I could put my alarm in the middle of my house to force myself to turn it off, otherwise I would wake up my whole house. I woke up at 1 pm today. I could wake up earlier.

Edited May 27 by allanjchiang

[allanjchiang]

Entry Wednesday 28th

Day 9: No Gaming
Day 3: Naps <30 minutes
Day 2: Meditate 10 minutes
Day 1: Study Languages 25 minutes

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• Made 4 YouTube videos
• Woke up early and went to the gym
• Studied languages for 25 minutes

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• I could sit less and take advantage of my standing desk more.

[allanjchiang]

Entry Thursday 29th

Day 10: No Gaming
Day 4: Naps <30 minutes
Day 3: Meditate 10 minutes
Day 2: Study Languages 25 minutes

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• Played violin for 25 minutes
• Ran for 15 minutes on treadmill
• played piano for 25 minutes

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• Commit to not subscribing to video streaming platforms

[Yan]

13 hours ago, allanjchiang said:

Entry Thursday 29th

Day 10: No Gaming
Day 4: Naps <30 minutes
Day 3: Meditate 10 minutes
Day 2: Study Languages 25 minutes

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• Played violin for 25 minutes
• Ran for 15 minutes on treadmill
• played piano for 25 minutes

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• Commit to not subscribing to video streaming platforms

Lets gooooo, loved your format 🙂

[allanjchiang]

13 hours ago, Yan said:

Lets gooooo, loved your format 🙂

I just copied you 😂

Entry Friday 30th

Day 11: No Gaming
Day 0: Naps <30 minutes
Day 4: Meditate 10 minutes
Day 3: Study one unit of Language Learning App

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• Still managed to meditate even though it was close to my bedtime already
• Transcribed three riffs of a piece of music
• Played violin and piano for ~35 minutes in my own time

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• I could stop taking naps after 3 p.m. otherwise I will fall into a deep sleep and not be able to wake up refreshed

[allanjchiang]

Sunday 1st

Day 13: No Gaming
Day 0: Meditate 10 minutes

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• Got an x-ray for my fractured foot
• Ate healthy foods only, no chips nor soda
• Did 1 concentrated work unit

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• Try to work at night even if I feel like culturally, everyone is taking a break at that time. Since I don't do much in the mornings or afternoons anyway. Plus I am a night owl so I naturally focus better at night I think. Just a thought.

[allanjchiang]

Wednesday 4th

Day 16: No Gaming
Day 0: Meditate 10 minutes

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• Did 7 concentrated work units
• Ate healthy all day
• Made some artwork 🙂

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• Don't give up after 7 concentrated work units. I can do more. I think, at least. Or I could be kinder to myself and give myself permission to relax after a day's work.

Yin: 0 days (darkness, pessimism, addiction)
Yan: 1 day (Optimism, hope, happiness)
 

[allanjchiang]

Saturday 7th

Day 19: No Gaming
Day 2: Meditate 10 minutes

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• Didn't relapse
• Played violin for 1 concentrated work unit
• Drank a healthy fruit smoothie

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• I could learn languages on my 'off day' so I don't get bored and want to relapse

Yin: 1 days (darkness, pessimism, addiction)
Yan: 1 day (Optimism, hope, happiness)

[allanjchiang]

Monday 9th

Day 21: No Gaming
Day 1: Meditate 10 minutes

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• Attended a one hour zoom call with teachers
• Recorded and edited two videos for YouTube
• Played violin for 1 concentrated work unit and studied for 1 concentrated work unit

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• Honestly, I feel like relapsing but I've come this far already. I could stop my daily videos because they take too long to edit. Or I could just not edit them.

Yin: 2 days (darkness, pessimism, addiction)
Yan: 1 day (Optimism, hope, happiness)

 

 

 

[Ameissen]

Notice that if you feel like relapsing, you need to address it. Don't let it go by. Fully re-commit and re-understand why you're doing this. For your life. Connect with what that better life feels like that transcends what any addiction could offer you. It does not compare. For real. Journal about this, meditate on any potential urges, do address it. Like a weed you need to pluck it so that you feel clean and fresh in your mind and body from compulsive thoughts and feelings.

[allanjchiang]

Tuesday 10th

Day 22: No Gaming
Day 2: Meditate 10 minutes

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• Reacted kindly to negative criticism on my video
• Played violin for 1 concentrated work unit
• Studied new Ukrainian words to talk to my dance teacher who is from Ukraine

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• I really need to find some way to socialize as I'm getting very lonely. I currently have a fractured foot so that doesn't help.

Yin: 3 days (darkness, pessimism, addiction)
Yan: 1 day (Optimism, hope, happiness)

[Ameissen]

Ah yes. There it is. The fractured foot -- loneliness, you mentioned having felt like relapsing. Makes total sense. Have friends you can call up? Like, for hours, enjoying long conversations. If not one friend in a deep convo (which is the most satisfying in my opinion), then across multiple friends. If not, consider a (respected) app where you phone call a random stranger. I've done that before during COVID, talked to like 30+ people, it was a lot of fun.

[allanjchiang]

Wednesday 11th

Day 23: No Gaming
Day 3: Meditate 10 minutes

3 Things I Did Well, No Matter How Small

• Talked to some friends on HelloTalk
• Had a video call conversation class with a Chinese teacher for 1 hour
• Studied new Chinese words

1 Thing I Could Do Better

• I seem to quit work/study quite early in the day when I could be doing more. I feel like I could be kinder to myself and let myself be able to relax sometimes. I think maybe I could call a helpline too.

Yin: 3 days (darkness, pessimism, addiction)
Yan: 2 day (Optimism, hope, happiness)