The journal

[xddbusiness]

So the first entry of my journal and the day 6 of the 90 day detox.
I'm currently just quitting competitive multiplayer games (my problem games) and decided to join the forums and buy the package because I almost relapsed. Maybe I will have to quit all games together but for now I will stick to these limitations. I have read more books than played story-driven singleplayer games so they should not be a problem. Roguelikes etc., however, might be (but they are generally boring to me xd).

DAY 6 

Time I woke up: 11.00

Time I went to sleep yesterday: 1.00

Really messed up my sleep, gotta limit youtube usage.
 

Physical task: I walked maybe 8k steps lol

Mental task: went to the library to study

Projects: -

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ dishes

~ joining the forums etc.

 

Summary of Day 6:

Joined the forums etc., did some schoolwork (not enough tho), left the house, ate well and reasonably healhty.

 

What I am grateful for today:

~ got some schoolwork done

~ joined the forums

~ made a decent dinner

~ this community and the course. First I was quite against spending money since there's so many free resources and places like r/stopgaming but I already feel like it was worth it for these reasons: 1. r/stopgaming is quite black and white. There are many extremists that demonize games and some that urge everyone to try moderation. Sure, many understand that people are different but imo the community can be quite toxic and some posts just trigger me. I don't want to be an active member of that community. 2. it's reddit lol, I'd rather not use reddit at all.
 

PS: I was quite apprehensive to create a public journal at first but writing here was surprisingly fun. I have journaled before but it's been a while and just spitballing something here feels quite satisfying. There is definitely a sense of commitment. Now, I don't really care if anyone reads this or not, just typing some of my thoughts down is enough. I'm not 100% sure if I'm sticking with this journal since I really like to write with pen & paper but I'm going to try this out anyways. Maybe I'll even drop some comments on others' journals, who knows?

Edited May 16 by xddbusiness

[xddbusiness]

Journal entry for yesterday, I'll keep this one short.

DAY 7

Quite challenging day again regarding urges but got some coursework done nervertheless. Met up with some friends too. No exercise though 😞

Sleep schedule still messed up.

 

[allanjchiang]

I feel you too about the reddit community. Even in communities like ones about fashion, I got a lot of sarcastic and condescending comments when I just wanted to ask a question.

Don't be too hard on yourself about not exercising. I would recommend treating yourself with compassion. But good on you for posting. I can really appreciate your commitment.

[xddbusiness]

I forgot to submit the day 8 entry

DAY 8 

Time I woke up: 11.00 (originally 8.00 but went back to sleep)

Time I went to sleep yesterday: 4.00

Evening with friends went quite late
 

Physical task: went for a jog

Mental task: did some of the respawn modules, upated my schedule etc.

Projects: I guess, I'll write about coursework here for now. Made no process today (unless i do after writing this)

 

Miscellaneous accomplishments: 

~ washed dishes again (no dishwasher 😞, washing by hand sucks)

~ watered the plants

 

Summary of Day :
Woke up early but went back to sleep, got up and drank some coffee, watched youtube/twitch (not great), did some chores, ate lunch, went for a jog and did more chores and respawn modules, ate dinner, watched some documentaries and youtube, writing this atm. After this I'll either read a book or do some coursework.

What I am grateful for today:

~ was quite active

~ ate well

~ got some chores done

~ didnt relapse although i was tempted again (weekends are rough)

[xddbusiness]

And here's the day 9 as well, writing this on day 10 morning. Mostly typed out some thoughts. 

DAY 9

Quite difficult day again, got some stuff done but still in the bad habit of wake up late -> watch youtube etc. while drinking coffee -> feel unmotivated for the rest of the day -> go to sleep late since I woke up so late (maybe the caffeine also plays a part even though I aim to only consume caffeine before 2PM)-> wake up late. Also played about 45 mins of a figthing game locally against bots in an attempt to relieve some stress. While not really a full relapse (not one of my problem games, played offline), it was still a competitive game so not a great idea and won't do again.

I'm now pretty sure that the biggest reason why I'm so addicted to these competitive games is that I'm inherently quite competitive person with some ambition and want to be better than average in all the things I do. This also reflects to my decent success in school and uni. Thus, I really need to find a better outlet for competition specifically. Of course, I can always aim to perform better in uni and during my summer internship/other future jobs but that kind of competition is not really comparable to to games, I think. Same goes for gym/weightlifting. In these things you don't directly compete with anyone (unless it's a weigthlifting competition I guess) so it's much more healthy to compete with and focus on yourself rather than others imo. So, I'm mainly considering different sports currently. I already go to the gym occasionally and dabble in bouldering and cycling. Out of these, bouldering competitions could be most realistic, but I'm still a novice so to be somewhat competitive I would need to train a lot. Still, it's not as direct competition as games or some other sports. I guess martial arts is just the most direct substitute. Outside of sports, chess or competetive programming could be fun as well, but picking up chess is a massive risk in terms of addiction and while I can code, competetive programming seems to be mainly for young prodigies. Regardless, it just feels so bad to start a new competitive hobby where I have to spend months or years to become just average. If I queue up in any fps game, I'm already pretty good regardless if I have played that specific game before or not. Actually the cravings are pretty bad right now when writing this (day 10 morning). I really just want to install cs2 or valorant and shoot some heads. I know this feeling and I know that I would be disappointed if I give in to the urge. The thought is much more fun than the act itself. I feel so damn frustrated atm and simply feel like I'm being dumb by removing the "fun" activities from my life intentionally. I could really use a punching bag right now. Writing here helps with mental clarity and I got this, one day at a time. In any case, I really need to leave the house right now and go to the gym. Also, can't wait for work to start and this school semester to end so that I have less free time.

Rant over.
 
Had a nice lunch on day 9 with a friend though.

I'll try to post the next entry this evening. Let's see if my mood gets better during the day.

Edited May 20 by xddbusiness

[wheatbiscuit]

A rant/tirade is supposedly more like a criticism or accusation (against someone or something else, perhaps) - I reckon this was a healthy vent! I say that because someone wise (whom I initially thought was just timid/anxious) noted the difference when I had finished pummelling my phone keys to him in text messages. Also, what Allan said - being too hard on yourself might even make good achievements feel not good enough. IMO it was again healthy for me to read the humanness in your post! 

P.S. I was almost addicted to Super Smash Brothers against the computer for a few weeks/months after beating my problem game's quest list. I suppose it happens. Good luck.

[xddbusiness]

Hey, I'm back.

TL;DR: back to day 1 after some successes and unlucky events

So, after the last post, I actually had a one or two days where I was super busy with some final course assignments of the semester. I decided to try to fix my sleep schedule by doing an all-nighter (this has worked before) and just grinded out programming exercises the whole night. Well, I got the tasks done, but it might have affected my health a bit. Not sure if just a coincidence, but in the morning after the grind I got some major stomach pains. During the day they got a bit worse and I was sure I had appendicitis. So, I went to see a doctor and after a few tests it seemed that it luckily? wasn't appendicitis. The pains eventually went away and I feel totally fine again. I have had some stomach issues due to stress prior but nothing this severe so not sure what that was about. In any case, due to being sick and unable to sleep due to the pains, my sleep schedule got even more messed up and I ended up spending a few nights gaming. Also, by finishing the last coursework, I'm practically done with my bachelors degree and will graduate during the summer :D. I have an internsip starting next week and will pursue masters studies next fall, so the culmination of achievements, sickness and messed up sleep schedule made it really easy for me to justify gaming. I had some fun for sure but after just a few games I felt that it was not worth it and I will still need to quit these competitive games to be happy. I really was not prepared for these kinds of situations though and will need to set up a better system for the next detox attempt. I'm not sure yet if I want to officially start the detox next week when the internship starts or already today. I have a super busy week coming up (events etc.), so I don't really have a consistant schedule that I would like to have. Thus, I'm mostly thinking about just chilling this week, trying to fix the sleep schedule and not stress about anything extra. And when the work starts next Monday, I will officially start the detox since imo it would be easier with the external motivation, a consistant schedule etc. Of course I will also have a lot less free time then which helps. I do recognize that not restarting now is risky so I'll still think about it and decide later today. I just have a lot on my plate this week and I'm not sure if that makes starting now easier or more difficult. For example, sticking to the habit of writing here would be much easier when the work begins. 

Anyways, my next entry will likely be either later today, tomorrow or next monday!