Day 13, December 18

No more urges to try gaming, but I thought about some of the meaning of my play and did reminisce to myself briefly yesterday. I've also been investigating places to read/learn, and hang out for the holidays.

Gratitude:

~ I've been doing mostly my best at gym, and not been feeling too 'wrecked' afterwards

~ Experimenting with little, less or the same caffeine in the morning - side note, actually ate canned fish for breakfast successfully today (I skipped it last night for dinner)

~ My mom made a visit here for the first half of this week, which aside from being enjoyable in itself, made for some more good practice being outside and social

~ Passed the 3/4 point for reading Bill Bryson's 'The Body', leaving some of the sobering chapters to go

Cheers guys, ~ Matt

Edited December 17, 2025Dec 17 by wheatbiscuit
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Day 15, December 20

I summoned the courage to go to a small social outlet on Thursday night. I noted names and interests of at least half of the people there, and while I may have come close to babbling, I thought it went pretty well. It was a relatively late night, but I also slept naturally (and not too long either!).

I thought that it was easier, and thus more confronting (after so much gaming and solo pursuits this year, and in 2024), to see and appreciate the character traits I saw in the mostly regular crew. I'd like to enjoy both fitting in with the vibe and yet have challenging interactions at both mine and others' paces, given future chances.

Both Thursday and Friday were hot weather days, and I was out in sun-protection or briefly travelling to and from gym (I also fasted quite a bit longer before gym, so it was like 70% of the 80% (25-30% less effort? - you try the math!) that is my usual effort)). The slight soreness still feels rewarding.

I finished reading 'The Body: A Guide for Occupants' yesterday, and have moved onto a biography. I'll mention it further if I get into it. Fiction is slightly on hold, but is there if I need it.

______

Gratitude:

~ Taking the gym visit slowly, so as not to faint on one of my few fasting sessions

~ Meeting a good and kind social support worker

~ Cooked oats and other wheat-carb replacements(?)

~ The sincere outpouring shown around in a recent, tragic disaster over here

Thanks guys, good fortune with keeping off games, etc. ~ Matt

At first i thought i was reading an old post, but then I remembered You are below the equator, so that explains the heat in December.

Well done.

Edited December 27, 2025Dec 27 by Amphibian220

Day 17, December 22

I had an 'easy' time of the last 24-36 hours; maybe others chose to show mercy, people are planning their holidays well, or I was rewarded slightly for honesty. In any case, I found myself an hour ago lying down playing old game-associated music. Old mental images and progress from e-gaming cropped up, and I paused to stare at a wall and watched my thoughts. I did however manage to see how a lot of it appealed to younger me, on the first 'journey' through the internet.

I went to a local social spot again, and though some of mine and others' laughter was awkward at times, we meshed together fairly well. I managed to wish many there well and get home at 10pm. However, one person did give me a few movie titles to watch, and either I'm not quite as desperate for replacement activities yet, or there was a lot of emotion in the first one I started. So I came to type to clear up why I couldn't just read all day in free time.

Hope everyone's holidays are going okay, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ I snacked a bit last night, but my stomach didn't punish me too much for it

~ Already mentioned, but maybe in the light of recent events/Xmas, last night was in pretty good humour

~ One dude playing cards as part of the group was very conscientious
~ Picked up reading some more of a well-flowing fiction book I found free some months ago; it sort of complements the tone of the biography

Day 18, December 23

I watched the first of a few movies yesterday and today. This time, I paused frequently because I was cringing etc. I mean, not only did that almost keep me from internally celebrating the positive messages I received, but I felt so grateful to have survived it emotionally (with what I saw as a very bad joke made in the credits, considering), that my game didn't look so awful in comparison. No real diss; it was mostly me and my age now, I guess. But no dice for much except some news, chatting and hopefully opening a book or two today. Good luck all, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Overcoming what felt like quite a sedated sleep - I changed very little about the day, see

~ Cold water with ice cubes

~ A good walk with almost no agitation

~ Remembered to check mail as though prompted during sleep!

Edited December 23, 2025Dec 23 by wheatbiscuit

Day 19, December 24

Merry Christmas Eve, homies.

I dreamed (among other mostly-forgotten things) that I was defeated on my addiction-game for most of my wealth, and probably woke up as I hastened to recover it - but I largely forgot that I cared, once fully awake. That challenge mode may have been refreshing at first, but the in-game appreciation probably wasn't worth the candle(?). Anyway..

Hopefully I'll enjoy tomorrow too much to think about it being 20 days off of those profiles - another day short of 3 weeks, too - but I'll echo @Pulse in saying that the 'feel good factor' of the holidays has been proving a slight enough lure. I say, post jokes and merriment as the days come, if you can - if not, I'll be at trying to bumble my way to better (yet sober) moods online and offline. Peace out, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ A short burst of retail therapy (I bought yoghurt and dip, for instance!)

~ A short nap (lying down, for now still proves useful after incessant months at my desk)

~ Evening bodyweight park workout, was mellow but worth it

~ Reading a little bit of both fiction and non-fiction

Merry Christmas @wheatbiscuit , glad you're still going strong at 19 days, keep it up, homeh!

Day 22, December 27

Christmas went well, and was adequately challenging. Yesterday afternoon, I took myself to gym out of habit/rhythm, and was a little bit more challenging than satisfactory (gym music wasn't to my taste/mood at the start, and most everyone there was quiet, with earphones in), but I have reaped the rewards somewhat this morning with healthy soreness and vigour. I think the problem was that I relaxed in the 2 hours prior to gym - some people with 9-5 jobs said in the past that going home, even briefly, between work's end and gym is 'a disaster'. Lol. In any case, I want to go again today and give them my latest resume (there have been staff changes) - you never know; the new manager might have begun to like me.

Gratitude:

~ My extended family's hosted Christmas and the positive mood

~ Exchanged chocolates as gifts

~ The peer worker I travelled with

~ Discussing serious exercise 'business' with my Uncle. Lol

Happy ongoing holidays, GQ. ~ Matt

1 hour ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Day 22, December 27

Christmas went well, and was adequately challenging. Yesterday afternoon, I took myself to gym out of habit/rhythm, and was a little bit more challenging than satisfactory (gym music wasn't to my taste/mood at the start, and most everyone there was quiet, with earphones in), but I have reaped the rewards somewhat this morning with healthy soreness and vigour. I think the problem was that I relaxed in the 2 hours prior to gym - some people with 9-5 jobs said in the past that going home, even briefly, between work's end and gym is 'a disaster'. Lol. In any case, I want to go again today and give them my latest resume (there have been staff changes) - you never know; the new manager might have begun to like me.

Gratitude:

~ My extended family's hosted Christmas and the positive mood

~ Exchanged chocolates as gifts

~ The peer worker I travelled with

~ Discussing serious exercise 'business' with my Uncle. Lol

Happy ongoing holidays, GQ. ~ Matt

Hey Matt, don't limit yourself to a job vision in this gym, if it is really important to you. Search around, be willing to travel a little longer, and possibly even move to another place if necessary. This way the odds will not hold against you. (That is of course if it is very important to you)
But if it's just a nice to have then you will possibly get it or possibly not, the chances are waaaay lower than the first option I described.

P.S. by "don't limit yourself to a job vision in this gym" I mean, see yourself in other possibilities too, and not just visualize yourself specifically in that gym.

Edited December 27, 2025Dec 27 by Yan
P.S.

I currently am working a temporary job, because my target job requires more skills and knowledge which I am going to get. Temporary jobs that are not mentally taxing also help better explore long term goals.

Day #1 Game Avoidance

Yesterday was a bit of a bad day by my own standards (I could guess that too many people have things way worse). In short, I went for a memorised walk at 3pm, after many images and reminiscing of e-play, and by the time I was almost home again, things seemed to stack in favour of a short session - which turned out to be 2 hours. - *Editing, I want to add that by yesterday, after 3 weeks, perhaps due to the time of year, I already felt detoxed. At the gym, I was completely present, but among too many people in earphones and vacant expressions and more uncomfortable music.

The initial steps to sign in, setup the play, and try to find some 'flow' did feel a bit unnatural - but I had felt unnatural throughout the first part of the day, if that can be seen. I trace that feeling back to sleeping in, and forgoing texts to family when I saw them online. Instead, I went straight to gym after some breakfast. It kind of sucked, even though I used the majority of the strength I had.

@Yan , your last advice here was good, and I could recognise that too, with mental distance. However, I really haven't given up feeling a decent sense of community in my neighbourhood - my nearby gym, if given a job there, I had recently begun to see as a worthy challenge. If it were to be a disaster (1/4 odds in my view), afterward might come a decision to move for work (1/2, eventually). I held back my resume for the day, even though I wish I'd told reception of the idea.

Part of what also made yesterday so hard was the 'temporarily closed' online notice for the club I went to twice, before Christmas. I was wondering whether a handful of the nice people I met the Sunday before last would be there last night - I had mentally prepared, as I do. The clincher is that by the time I signed out of yesterday's game, I didn't feel like simply walking down the street and physically checking. Maybe I had other misgivings, but I'm not completely sure.

Finally, something ironic took place as well, yesterday. I texted my Dad, then did some things while I waited for him to reply - he shared his triumph over each of the daily games (that admittedly, I also shared when conversation topics were few), and then, oddly enough said, 'Done!' I could unpack that and get lost in rumination, but basically I didn't enjoy seeing the weight placed upon it as perhaps an unbeatable sum over our conversation-to-be-had for the day. Which is why, although I've largely done the same thing most of this month, I want to post about avoiding giving various games (as well as the one I've played the most, by multiple factors) a certain amount of focus. I seem to realise that for the moment, they're going to come to mind.

For example, my session yesterday did involve chasing some already-surpassed levels over again, and noting that I underestimated twice how quickly they were reached, continuing to 'play'. However, I didn't focus on much other than some uncommon loot, UNTIL I noticed that I appeared to have attracted three or more profiles of the same level, doing the exact same thing, in the same equipment. I puzzled over it - and had there been less of an obvious pattern (I won't go into that), I might have started chatting and played longer.

May pick up from here later - chores. Peace, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Got through yesterday's gym workout

~ Found some new music from an older band (and a band even older than that, through a game though)

~ A mostly peaceful, sunny walk to the grocer's

~ Got a milder fiction book ready so as perhaps not to test myself too much right now

Edited December 29, 2025Dec 29 by wheatbiscuit
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On 12/28/2025 at 10:50 PM, wheatbiscuit said:

I had recently begun to see as a worthy challenge. If it were to be a disaster (1/4 odds in my view), afterward might come a decision to move for work (1/2, eventually). I held back my resume for the day, even though I wish I'd told reception of the idea.

It's a fine challenge, but there are some factors that don't depend upon you regarding getting accepted there... Namely:
The mood of the employer, the available vacancies. You can of course be such a perfect candidate that they will just have to create an additional job spot for you. For example if you're a super followed personal trainer on social media and you'll bring them more clients.

But you need to be something extraordinary. I doubt that you are in that position as of now with 20 years of age (or so, as far as I remember).
Even in the case you are such a superstar, still the employer might just not get around to it, because of his own momentum and simply "wrong" value priority.

I'd say definitely give it a try, 2, 3 or 10 if you wish. But keep looking for other places too. Time doesn't stop. And if they take a year to accept you (just exaggerating here) it will be a year without work for you. Also, you mentioned your fear of handing in your resume. That is because you only see one option in your mind.

If you had 5 more places telling you they wanted you to work for them and now you would like to hand in a resume to this one too, you wouldn't give it a fracture of a thought. You'd just give it to them with the realization that you don't care if they say no(I mean you do want them to say yes, but if they say no it's absolutely fine

Also, even if you just sent 50 resumes, that would also reduce your fear, because you'd see how many options there are, and not be afraid that this is the one and only, and if they say no... You'll be devastated...

Regarding the 1/4 1/2 odds, I think it's more like a 1/1.0000001 odds (99%~) in favor of looking for multiple places.
Because there are just so many, and if you're ready to move and keep sending resumes without a stop you will eventually find a place. So I believe.


On another matter (your relapse)

On 12/28/2025 at 10:50 PM, wheatbiscuit said:

The initial steps to sign in, setup the play, and try to find some 'flow' did feel a bit unnatural - but I had felt unnatural throughout the first part of the day, if that can be seen. I trace that feeling back to sleeping in, and forgoing texts to family when I saw them online. Instead, I went straight to gym after some breakfast. It kind of sucked, even though I used the majority of the strength I had.

Maybe indeed your willpower was on a low level because of all the challenges. However, you have arrived at a 22 day streak! An awesome accomplishment! It takes a lot of effort to accomplish something like that.
I'd say nothing happened, maybe your streak is broken, but the total of days played hadn't changed
In the last 23 days, you played 1. and if you will get to a new 22 day streak it will have been 44 days out of 45. which is what matters.

You might not be at a point where you want to consider it yet. But remember that the longer you play now, the harder it will be to stop again.
I'd say get back on the horse as soon as you may. Today is best. Tomorrow is second best.
Remove the games and tell your father what happened or in a reversed order. Also maybe apologize for lying and not telling him yesterday.
I think your wish to not disappoint him might be a good push for you.

It helped me back at the day.

Just some thoughts on paper, feel free to disagree.
Also if something doesn't make sense, let me know, since I didn't do too much reviewing of the text. Just kept writing.

P.S.
Thank you very much for sharing and letting us in on your battle overall, and this current low point in particular.
It is a great opportunity for us to give you a hand in your battle(reflecting together with you), but, besides that, it's a great opportunity for you to reflect and get clearer on what is going on and why it is going on, and what do you even want in the first place :)

Edited December 30, 2025Dec 30 by Yan
P.S.