Saturday afternoon:

It's been a few days (and long nights) since I last signed in to my problem game. 

I've recently quarantined 3 news apps into a corner-grouping on my phone to remind myself that only infrequently is there a positive story to be found.

Last night, I dreamed I was chatting with several players who had completed the same game's levelling system, and I left them to it, to click on something that was actually novelly entertaining. The funny part was that it was the entertaining clicking activity that lay in between me and the other players' coveted 'completion' capes, not what I actually left the game trying to do this week. In the dream, I didn't like the look of them anymore (and there were definitely areas where such players congregated). For now, in waking hours, I'll just have to continue pushing the 'teleportation' privileges of the cape from my mind (I have already possessed multiple fake versions before I found GameQuitters).

Yesterday went pleasantly enough, though without a plan for outside. Today, I lowered my expectations slightly on the way to my Dad's, and then to exercise with him, and thus was somewhat pleasantly surprised at the high and low ebbs of energy. I've done way too much obsessive screen-play, it is clear. Yesterday, I overheard a lady telling her friend that she wasn't 'going to move a single muscle' when she got home. I might have caught myself saying that in a different reality, had I followed academia all of the way, and perhaps treated most movement as an almost unnecessary pain. Alas, I've been hooked there as well.

__________

Gratitude:

~ The weather has been laughing at my living area since my being back inside; 2x10 minute rain showers, then sunny again!

~ Weekend lunch ('semi-healthy' sausages, I am somewhat ashamed to say)

~ Things not going all wrong outside so far today, despite a low morning mood

~ Oats/porridge were easy to eat and digest

Good luck all, ~ Matt

 

Sunday morning:

There is forecast one more sunny day, before another week of rain. *sigh* 

Yesterday evening, there were two things:

1) New neighbours/neighbours' guests, I think tried to open my door (with a wrong key, presumably), and also seemed to make an attempt at barging it, in the hope it would open. Because I'm a little wiser than before, I suspended judgment and suggested to myself the many ways in which those things could have been innocent/drunken mistakes. As the people (mostly males in their 20s, or similar-sounding) began to leave, I thought I heard one of them describe my appearance. That was irritating. I may have to make another peaceful offer of tea and biscuits spontaneously, next. 

2) As I listened to the above ^,  I was actually reading a 'dark' sub-reddit. Last night was a strangely conscious decision to search for something to read from the community, and within 5 minutes, it came to me. Luckily, there were several profound 'conversations' going on, and I read for ~2 hours last night, and ~1 hour this morning, on my phone (*double-sigh*) before deciding to get up with some more caffeine.

Both of those occurrences made me feel like a good little (processing) unit, especially as I wasn't compelled to either engage with the young men near my door, or contradict anybody on reddit/force what views/experience that I have. I just listened. 

Today, at lunch, I mean to drop off a resume nearby. I want to be attached to the outcome, but simultaneously I don't. My thoughts are along the lines of 'if I am given a chance to work there, which is half-likely, how long will I continue to grow/will the staff consider me to have been a worthy hire by the time it might take me to move on from the job?' It's strange to think of it that way, as opposed to a guaranteed ~year of happy work/productivity, but there it is, I guess.

I have continued to picture a few 'good-old-number increases' on my ex-game (like an ex-relationship that might continue to flirt back to me), but I've been balancing that against the number of hours I'd likely spend chasing them, and how I'd have to be sitting on the near-edge of my seat for so long. Also, it's easy to sign in, but as testament to instant-gratification desires, the re-download process is doubly painful for not only that, but being able to post here without a nagging conscience as well. 

That's all for now, good luck everyone.

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ A 'real swinging' lifting session, upon invitation to the gym

~ Solid series of job applications

~ I'm probably going to adjust my diet, after some phone discussion tonight - avoiding wheat where I can, for a week or longer

~ Gonna give a shout out to technology, simply because I had some fun reading more recent psychological life posts this weekend, at my fingertips

 

Edited August 17, 2025Aug 17 by wheatbiscuit
gratitude

Monday morning:

You wouldn't believe my brain/dream behaviour; I literally imagined that the most-likely potential activity if I gave up this fight had its experience points rates doubled. Yes, and I continued to see the rapidly-descending numbers on-screen, in my mind, as they occur in so few places in the problem game.

But I've just forced myself outside for a walking circuit, and quickly allowed myself to play OK music through my earphones. Something struck me as I reached the home stretch, which was someone's assertion that 'You don't have (Nobody has) time to game'. I amended this statement in the same way, once more this morning - 'There isn't really ever a good time to game.' I realised this because, even while I needed some of my own music to break the perceived, antisocial silence and presence out on the street (on a fine Monday morning, but a Monday nonetheless), there is always an ebb and flow of energies and movements/postures; snippets of conversation and context.

A manufactured lack of that dynamic is allowed on my problem game, or perhaps any that presents a central avatar. The clicking activity I mentioned here first is a largely-isolated area, and as in many other activities, offers constant 'gains', almost no matter what anyone else feels, or chooses to do. That ebb and flow is life, aside from extreme abnormalities that threaten it (and everything else that lives/simply tries to survive and get by).

My decision to play music 'privately' in my ears, alone, distorted reality enough, but it also acted as prevention of any severe agitation. The only thing that concerned me as a possible threat was the semi-common, spoken-into-earphones audio call, by a man in high-visibility clothing, holding a removed poster and what could have been a box-cutter, which he fidgeted with. It was just that combination, including my choice of music that rang soft bells - until he longingly reminisced about a recent 'smashed avocado' meal. 

So a good morning, really, given the two weekend workouts and other things I also did during it. Monday awaits.

Peace, ~ Matt

Edited August 18, 2025Aug 18 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

Monday night:

I let an easy process take place tonight. 

I won't post screenshots, but I'll say that what I thought, was that I treated my Dad like a friend in text, and eventually he reverted to treating me like a child. I went for a second, neutral walking circuit, and came back to eventually make full use of my computer (and the game), as I was stuck in my head with old anger (yes, I remember my forum signature very well, still).

Unlike my process, which was a 90-minute 'fishing' session on my ex-favourite, problem game, in my view it should not have been so easy for Wheatbiscuit Senior (WS) to 'thought-spam' (my term for excessive extraverted thinking) me, and then offer a partial and then eventual complete solutions to a word puzzle we used to tackle together quite often.

-> Alright, an accurate example would be one of the protagonists from the movie 'Hancock' attempting to sound out the words, 'Good job', in order to prompt Hancock to repeat them. It was high-comedy in the movie, but insulting to yours truly. 

Had I done the same to him, I'd have faced outright and open dismissal, I am certain. I've had it on mostly-good authority that since long ago now, WS has intended to aim for friendship with me, instead of blessed fatherhood, after certain changes in relationships.

But boundaries and distinctions are a joke to him, it seems.

I've re-deleted the functional gaming files (big, sarcastic whoop), but my mind in its worst state, amidst the pondering of such aforementioned problems, frequently conjures up scenarios of a physical, bellowing beat-down as the only way to get through to him. Not acceptable.

There is someone who might stand by my side in more civil, imagined situations than above, but I already feel bad for them and still wish the wider world well (obviously). If I can't talk to them tomorrow, I'll raise the issue with WS. 

Thanks for reading, and my apologies for the ex-gaming demotivation. 

Peace, ~ Matt

On 8/12/2025 at 9:31 PM, wheatbiscuit said:

Does anyone remember Harry Potter's 'Mirror of Erised?' The happiest man in the world would look into it and see himself exactly as he is. However, the mirror yields neither knowledge, nor truth. That is what putting myself to the task of experience point gains and listening to old music is like doing - staring into such a mirror. But what is the universally-accepted knowledge or truth that I should seek? Statistics? Wisdom against boredom? (a head-start there). I mean, anyone in basic health is capable of achieving anything. @Ikar mentioned that. 

What I've arrived at a few times, and somewhat brushed off, is that often times, people don't really mind others' sentence structures when they speak (though I know it can be a comfort), as long as they know that there is a mutual understanding that both/all parties feel and think that they are OK/generally well. I keep looking for meaning where it often less than fruitful, because investing effort in my own real-world pursuits (of knowledge and/or truth) is risky for the time that I decide to spend in addition to that effort. 

Yes, as long as it's within our circle of control, I do think we can achieve anything. Except the games that are zero-sum and either/or with a lot of competition (e.g. being the top company for lawnmowers in Colorado or becoming the president). But everybody can work on their health, friendships and the quality of their work 🙂 

Saturday afternoon:

I just read one of this weekend's insightful news pieces on the substantial percentage of people employed during night hours. 

Since my medication changed, and I gave up my long-term evening job to make my personal balancing act easier (for awhile), I've all but forgotten what it was like to enjoy being awake regularly until midnight (or sometimes, 'worse'). I felt slightly disoriented after finishing the article using my phone. I quickly told myself that I'd been transported to a place where I really felt for those interviewed people, and my own experiences.

For some reason, today I started to reflect on the length of my relapses. I wouldn't know that they were relapses at all, if it weren't for the vibes (albeit short) I get each time from downloading those game files, which I know means that I'm likely going to sink some time into, as opposed to propelling my life into a positive-looking future, like good music can. As an eventually internet-unruly teenager, I definitely downloaded my share of music - but that was because I was fascinated with the idea of how people of the 70s/80s/90s enjoyed particular rock/metal sounds. Again, I was transported.

^-> Anyway, since around May 2023, it was 5 months off games, and 5 months on - then down to a few months on and off. That has since decreased to 1 month, into a few weeks, and one week, of late. Yesterday, I both met a self-imposed, idle-game-quota by this same time in the afternoon, and easily opened two books and a magazine. I have been 'chilling' in a few areas that are for those playing without a paid subscription. What I've hoped is that I am returning to sessions that are easily parted from, regardless of how few away from high-levelled 'bragging rights'. I would like to truly take measure of the community value(s) held by those players remaining in the game

But as I say, and we should all know; none of that is mandatory. The most important part of signing in to 'play' for me has been the privilege to observe, largely without being pestered for doing so, even with an advanced profile or two. 

It's tough being me, but maybe everyone can say that. Whether we should have to is another matter. I could echo @DanielG in that I almost sensed a certain divine presence earlier today, at a supposedly low ebb. I thought in terms of perceived teamwork, as opposed to believing that I stood alone. I just don't believe in constant conflict/battles/warring attitudes like I used to think were how people got by.

_________

All that as it's been, this morning was one that for me, I absolutely would wish on anyone to experience as well. I brought my flat shoes as extra to the park, and did a few different leg exercises while playing the first lengthy album I had the freedom to listen to as a kid. It was like forming a good as any memory from a similar time - unforced, and yet effortful. 

But I was also reminded again of the possibility of seeing a planned/scheduled life as a valuable safety net, both during and after the fantastic-feeling morning workout. It may shame me to admit that individuals trying to remain strong enough not to need systems in place for them, sometimes have to admit that they aren't. The key could be having others we can admit it to. Thanks for reading, etc ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ The sun rose, and eventually came out, helping me to decide not to hole myself up within the walls of the gym today

~ Visitors came to my building, but not my Dad, as expected - it turned out not to be about me at all. The value in that was a shift in focus to someone else's problems, and even an apology for a disturbance two nights ago, which offered some explanation. 

~ My basic maths improved slightly, perhaps for last weekend's brief, curious dabbling

~ Choosing what kind of hot drinks to make, and at what time

 

Edited August 23, 2025Aug 23 by wheatbiscuit

Saturday afternoon:

So, I've been chasing the last listed game activity down for a couple of weeks now. It was still the beginning of August when I started and finished the second-to-last, and I don't think that I will spend much of September doing the same, at least.

Other people online with me in the game-space have been checking how close to profile completion I am, and asking me how it's going - I haven't had the heart to type 'it's really nothing and not worth it overall' back to them, in public chat. But I have been saying it offline in-person for at least a year now - and I said it again to a gym acquaintance after our workouts: 'Don't play games like me/I do.'

Back when I'd half-determined who I was as a person, at 13, I completed many puzzles on this same game. It was always how Wheatbiscuit Senior (WS) used to challenge me - with things like MENSA booklets, or Sudoku. These days, it's all about attention and personal investment. For me, this now remains a patience-grind; proving that I appreciate that some things will take time specifically in my shoes. 

'The high' that games gave me were all about completing challenges that 'popped up' on-screen, as a result of me assigning value to them, just for being integrated in and developed - that is, once I knew I had reached the maximum 'reward/capability', I would be free to discuss and play everything else that I considered 'optionally fun'. - I looked up a new (to me) kind of puzzle on the game, and creativity was not emphasised on the information page, so I felt disappointed and sad that people still pursued its completion semi-regularly. 

Back in my first year of college, I got lost trying to find the campus by departing the bus too early. I was determined to get there and discover a new physical location solely because it was 'the next challenge' from a person whose attention I valued and gave mine to in return - my mom. Things changed over the years, some not all for the better (I have thought), and a major reason is that after several forms of learning, I don't know what I'll be able to chase with the same fervour and eager attitude. 

I still do puzzles in magazines and things, when I feel like I've taken care of my health and affairs and am still a little further ahead of being bored. If it weren't for the rapid 'dropping' of the fish that appear on my screen, and the increasing speed I am able to click to do that, I'd probably have gotten distracted even now. 😛 

The best highs seem to come from feelings like last week's, that I would recommend to anybody. Those, and showing/expressing gratitude. So here's today's list:

~ Sensing when to blend in, and when to stand out (it is still relevant to me, as I search)

~ Having a mostly un-awkward exchange with a building-mate who had been locked outside

~ A dream that helped me make talking points with WS this morning, out on a walk

~ Being undeterred by a 'bad gateway' error to accessing our forums (I searched for a journals link)

^ I may add more. Peace, and thanks guys - happy weekend.

~ Matt

Monday afternoon:

'Relapses suck' doesn't quite do the process of recommitment to an electronic game justice. 

Today, I finished the levelling system on the game I've regularly slaved at for 15 years (back then was when I had started to daydream about repetitive visual clicking goals).

Aside from making a time goal of it at all, I shouldn't have built up the moment of fireworks in my mind, or paid attention to those who questioned/congratulated me on the endeavour.

I had what was probably a kind of panic attack, because I couldn't figure out how to record or capture my screen for said fireworks, upon reaching the last-to-maximum level.

It's a strange thing, having a mental condition that sees you avoid many pitfalls that an average-yet-healthy citizen might not, but being able to become trapped in routines that regularly neglect either the body or mind for some periods of time. This one involved my body, I think.

In short, I haven't met/known a person, especially now, who can honestly say that such a goal/journey is worth it/worthwhile - if only because it only takes one poorly-timed catastrophe to wreck a person's situation; or a million, steady mouse-clicks.

Glad to be here to explain that. Peace for the week, and start of a new season! ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ My dishwasher came apart, so I began to enjoy a handwashing task

~ I saw a manager-type at the grocer's holding it together well, after overhearing him discussing sick leave for mental health

~ Obviously, the climactic anticlimax of a fully-levelled official game profile - not to be imitated! 

~ Reading a sci-fi novel once again for the first time since I bought the series, during my 2023 detox

Edited September 1, 2025Sep 1 by wheatbiscuit
spelling

Wednesday evening:

I watched several free documentaries this past week and a half, including The Secret Life of the Brain (2002 - yeah, I know, but it was like learning a little bit back in a simpler time).

In order to keep the viewer interested I imagine, each of the five episodes in the series focused on one to three problems that present in the brain, such as Alzheimer's in the elderly. I haven't usually watched such things outside of school, and watching real people who would have agreed to be filmed and 'got on with it' was like an 'on' switch for the heart-brain for awhile.

I did 'have' to share my attention between them and some noob-gaming though. Today has really made me wonder how much I need to balance visuals, sensory inputs and everything else in order to feel challenged/at least competent in brain-use. For example, I'm uncommonly good at ordering my movements (or 'pathfinding') between people on the street, and keeping an ear out or two. Maybe that's just a luxury of not being quite as distracted by my phone.

A problem did finally present itself today in the form of an aggressively-moving (I don't know how else to put it) young adult, with a few doubtless moments. Had I gone straight to the park where I met him, 2 hours earlier (instead of settling in for a game session for a bit), we may not have crossed paths. As it happened, he marched around the small park area performing energetic pull-ups, spitting water from the fountain, and twirling a large stick, which was eventually pointed a foot from my face. I told him embracingly (he had no English words for me or anyone else) that it was 'impressive' (what he had achieved - that is, prompting me to semi-calmly consider my mortality).

It's that sort of thing which makes me ask where my luck really comes from. I needed the cup of tea I made post-cleaning with Wheatbiscuit Senior, and what comes from the five minutes of drinking is often the formed habit of signing into some activity on my computer (reading a book, or my phone in bed risks spilling the tea I hold simultaneously). It seems like I'll eventually have to stop procrastinating with games - but it's not just daily workouts I'm doing that with; I'd like to master weekly chores (such as deep-cleaning on my own) and socialising, with the potential to make additional close friends. I just need to balance my need to relax/reset with mindful movements towards those goals. 

In any case, I was as impressed with the young man's restraint (he didn't hit me or steal my backpack) as much as my own calm - especially as I only performed about 1/3 of the repetitions I wanted (low carbohydrate afternoon). So I walked back home at least having broken a sweat, saying to myself that I may as well maintain calm in the short to medium-term. I never really thought about projecting that consciously.

Well, that's all. Cleaning part two is due tomorrow. I wish for the strength to continue caring as much as today. 🙂 Peace, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Mechanical yet kind interaction at another grocery store

~ Protein powder (and water) still tasted good (ice added)

~ Only one stress-added comment at the end of cleaning from WS 😛 

~ Not being scarred by a stick/tree branch, and having enough breath left to say hello!

Friday evening, September 19:

Since about 2.5 weeks ago, I've drifted back to a copy of the game that I've been addicted to. Aside from the three wrongs that gaming achieves (senselessness, unfulfilling time spent, and false confidence), I have been coming to understand errors in my life goals just that little more clearly - especially seeing more opportunities and ideas available when I am focusing on the offline world.

Things never truly go 'swimmingly' when I'm wading/paddling through in-game objectives, and while my offline experience still leaves a lot to be desired, my physical systems usually thank me for retiring from games (for part of, or a whole day at least). That is, all I have to do is regulate my breathing, heartbeat and mental dialogue. A lot of that simply goes out the window during online engagement. Plus, now I've tasted abstinence and a passable social life and made some positive memories of them, even the greatest in-game successes don't measure up.

Sure, I read, type and generally talk more excessively when keeping off of the computer during periods of quitting. But people can see that I'm making real progress of a kind - I sense it; they just haven't quite said it, outright. So when I'm occasionally disappointed in myself or others, and haven't been able to recall that moment where someone has said 'you're doing good/well', I think of all the fluid and competent games that I could play.

Maybe being an adult is about being cognisant of so many of the world's worries, and deliberately choosing to work at what reasonably falls under one's influence/control. One thing I am sometimes conscious of is a fine line between nagging and motivating - for example when as a kid, I used to ask every 6 weeks (sensing a pattern) when the gentlemen of the family would visit the grandparents next. I knew that my Dad both wanted and didn't want to go, but also that I could tip the balance in favour of it by choosing to be sincere. Yesterday, I could have pushed for/reminded him to come out jogging, as he did for me when I first got into fitness, but I know that he is still also his own relentless taskmaster.

Me, I have an appointment diary, but scheduling so that I 'waste absolutely no time' has yet to take hold. I realise that it could actually be good for me, as it was when I used to do math homework until appropriate bed/reading time. Back in school, it was pride in completing all set tasks and fully comprehending that I could finally spend time online - but perhaps only so I could help and include others. Living/spending so much time in my own space has whittled down such attitudes a bit. Showing up hygienically to the local library may be a good bet.

At least since I completed the levels on my official game of addiction, I have been 'feeling some of the magic' when away (case in point) from the customised, private server based on it. Only, I've been lagging behind in interpersonal contexts - some things have been hard for me to remember and 'follow', as thinking about the next gaming session looms in the middle-back of my mind, in the conspicuous absence of reading and reflection throughout the day.

Gratitude:

~ Tinned tuna (mackerel taste quality went down a bit, will revisit soon)

~ One month largely enjoyed without eating loaves of various bread, or wheat biscuits

~ Weekly time spent with a peer social worker

~ Not reading information/guides on how best to play at addiction-games at bedtime

Peaceful wishes to y'all,

~ Matt

Hey Matt. I delete stuff al the time. I feel ashamed I relapsed after four years and all that. Meh. It’s rough but fuck it. We gotta just get up stay positive and keep going. No excuses. I’m only on day two of a detox rn. And I’m pissed. I was so delusional thinking gaming was alright in moderation when really. It was just full numbing the eff out and 20+ hours of gaming per week until it was obvious again I needed to stop if I wanted a life.

So don’t beat yourself up too much. You’re straight. It doesn’t matter anymore, the past is over we can’t change that. Work your ass off today to make it awesome. Don’t play around with your life with fire with addiction. Just throw yourself headlong into your dreams your passion your replacement behaviors. One day at a time posting here building momentum. That’s what’s up!

@Amphibian220 said it well, personal hygiene often does indeed save the day. Nothing seems easier to me than smiling after a thorough teeth-cleaning, or being able to settle down after showering and scrubbing.

However, most of the time, feeling 'smart' about using more passive game-time while simultaneously trying to chat/problem-solve with someone is made that much more difficult and shallow.

16 hours ago, FunnyDreamer said:

Hey Matt. I delete stuff al the time. I feel ashamed I relapsed after four years and all that. Meh. It’s rough but fuck it. We gotta just get up stay positive and keep going. No excuses. I’m only on day two of a detox rn. And I’m pissed. I was so delusional thinking gaming was alright in moderation when really. It was just full numbing the eff out and 20+ hours of gaming per week until it was obvious again I needed to stop if I wanted a life.

So don’t beat yourself up too much. You’re straight. It doesn’t matter anymore, the past is over we can’t change that. Work your ass off today to make it awesome. Don’t play around with your life with fire with addiction. Just throw yourself headlong into your dreams your passion your replacement behaviors. One day at a time posting here building momentum. That’s what’s up!

This is a solid post. I'll probably reverse that order to: replacement behaviours->passions->dreams 😀

So as I predicted - but temporarily lost sight of - I spent one month warming down on a privately-hosted server copy of my long-term, habitual online game.

I completed all of its levels for a 3rd time, after 2023 and 2024. It was easier to play, but harder to appreciate life alongside. That is what I've come back here to help myself do, and list odd bits of gratitude which might be relatable.

I'm still getting accustomed to the new look of this forum (there should maybe be a picture of a book, or a waving hand for Introductions and Journals!), and haven't kept fully up-to-date on posts about gaming issues, but I've kept my thought processes attuned for the most part. For example, just as I completed the official game's levels, I couldn't stand to even try and celebrate a mere month's free time (compared to 2 years). The private server in question was also centralised around a home location, but frequently had players like me exploring 'dead' or obscure content to try and succeed, so there was some anxiety even there.

Basically though, whilst it could have been the recently-defined mistake of eating a ton of carbohydrates first thing for breakfast, I think had I spent yesterday morning reading/creating a novel, or learning of other people's personal experiences in-depth (which is what feels like my most natural task), I would have appreciated the unsuccessful trip outside enough to complete it. Today I was given a video tour of a relative's home, and I found myself envying everything from the history of the place, how comfortable they seem to have been with their travels, and healthy social urges, to simply express things with very good timing. That last is what I admire and value the most. I have been tiring of constant in-game comparisons and ego conflicts.

It's late morning on a Monday, and I mean to to try and keep up the cleanliness of my apartment, as well as read in an unbiased way.

Gratitude:

~ I eventually used an old motto reassurance to beat a last quest, which could/used to help with real-world situations: 'You know the drill!'

~ Dishwasher and microwave appliances

~ Daylight savings as a small and familiar challenge

~ A new and interesting cutlery storage unit

Thanks guys, and peace. ~ Matt

Day 0 - Wednesday afternoon

I'm better able to tell what is helpful and healthy when I am taking care offline, compared to when I am either playing or planning how to play the compelling game(s) in my life.

Today, Wheatbiscuit Senior and I tackled another word puzzle together, but I at least still felt uneasy at 'winning' yet another game, despite it being a small feat of teamwork.

Also this afternoon, no less, I nervously (this was another problem; nerves about continuing to try things that I've already been good at in the past - trying to care less about time that I know is being unhealthily spent 'locked in') got into an hour of semi-intense 'combat' clicking, finally clicking on an additional sword-weapon to good 'effect'. The problem there is, I would sooner or later not know when the time to stop had come, as my head, alone, would sink further into the visual experience - had it not been a designated 'bonus' hour within the game. I would take pride and pleasure in exhausting myself at the gym, surrounded by semi-social-or-otherwise, fellow members, if I knew how those particular efforts would be rewarded. How much happy endorphins to expect remains an elusive guess, most of the time. Still, I would be better off talking or typing with other historically gym-obsessed peers rather than the never-good-enough comparisons between ourselves and others on electronic games.

Day 1 should follow here again tomorrow, which I could, by then, have felt an evening and early morning spent reading and communicating with people whom I know care just a little bit more than on the game.

Happy Wednesday, all. ~ Matt

Edited October 8, 2025Oct 8 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

October 29, Wednesday morning:

I may be truly outgrowing that one MMORPG. It's been a long month, despite some days also feeling shorter and almost wasted. Despite that, I have been cooking, cleaning, hygienic and perhaps even socialising easier than ever.

But I haven't made too many active changes - simply doing what I know I ought to when I reach whatever approximates boredom. What progress that I have made, I ought not to let be taken for granted (mostly by me).

This morning (and having slept successfully, I'll say), I was at my most conscious of my thoughts about the hours and day ahead. A friend or family member told me this month that procrastination with regard to personal problems can actually affect everything else you're doing elsewhere.

Certainly, many times I have gone to bed (though it seemed smarter in the moment) resigned or saddened about text messages or posts (news included) and then wondered why I semi-consciously picked them back up in the morning. Then, since I finished some studies a few years ago now, I decided to 'ease' into each day with a hot drink at the computer, instead of just practising good manners as I wish as many people well (and a good morning) as possible. Yes, I still have to be careful of mania, but I think that is my main habit to break.

I may sign in a couple more times over the next 1-2 weeks (subscription limit), if only to prove how little I get out of it - as I said before, this year, almost all of my in-game achievements have actually left me feeling either nothing or actually negative - and I usually only think of what you all here would think of it about half of the time; they've been low points with or without pressure.

Happy mid-week, everyone.

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ I had last weekend to myself, which meant that I was less stimulated and more mindful - but which also meant practice staying out of trouble

~ Aside from one extra-hot day, I was able to enjoy the weather had here

~ My body told me that I was lifting too much yesterday, and I listened

~ I recognise that this truly is 'one day at a time'. I do wish to avoid running out of good things to say and ranting, to bring moods low enough to seek entertainment, though. Godspeed, guys.

Edited October 28, 2025Oct 28 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

November 2, Sunday morning:

At times when I'm not sure what I should be doing (and when I don't even have the heart to try an electronic game or two), I think of a few concepts - appreciation of boredom, development or maintenance of distress tolerance, and changing or removing habits.

Again, if I've already made active changes to my routine or habits, it hasn't seemed very conscious - probably due to having my mind on 'just one more' game target.

One notion I sometimes think about, prompted or not, is of 'the fight', or having obstacles or indeed, enemies that must be surmounted by either focus, speed or force - not simply doing what one can when the right thought 'floats by' (selected as though a leaf from atop of a stream, as it has been phrased). That last is where I've been, whether because of sedation or mindfulness ('responding thoughtfully' instead of reacting).

But I am peace-loving, from early influence or the aided discovery of fiction-reading. It is only in the most deeply morose moments when I might truly and honestly say 'F that!' or 'Want to fight about it?' I have been taught that that displays a lack of intelligence - a deep sin in my circles, it seems. I'd have to feel lost - something that even the harshest critics I've read almost recommend, but skate over in haste to brand something else or as 'beneath' those who have a ready wit.

Well, I've managed not to turn too negative in those last two paragraphs, but make some kind of mental exercise of it. Consider mostly the first two, if staying on track.

Hope y'all enjoy the rest of the weekend. ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Since I called time on a week-long game activity, I've repeatedly slept a slick 10 hours - recovery?

~ Yet again, an anti-climactic game reward left me feeling hollow - it was, however cathartic to find that one online buddy skated past my expression of that feeling to him, his consideration unchanged there
~ I've been presenting myself with a relatively new choice between checking my logic/'gut' or simply waiting for an idea from another good enough to agree with and make an activity/day of - it is useful

~ The opportunity to relearn coordination of offline activities in silence and anticipation of sweet, sweet boredom

November 8, Saturday afternoon:

The 'maybe to-do list' for my ex-game that I started last Christmas is empty and erased. I even updated and added to it most months of this year.

The only thing that felt OK (until it didn't, upon completion) was the free-to-play grind in the middle months. I could speculate why on that, but basically it was easy, almost pressure-less and there were actually other people typing and playing alongside. I could also half-carry (often unsatisfactorily) conversations on social media. At least some of the newer players thought I was being nice.

There are tiny things that I could still chase on the official game, having last night signed into the private server copy that I started and eventually quit to detox from in 2023, but the fact is that I'm not good at the game anymore. I think that's because I'm increasingly unattached to the game mechanics, and also discouraged by the standard of encouragement/enthusiasm, or maturity, on there. An all-advanced someone on the copy noticed me yesterday, and really only said 'Wow, hey. I did notice how extended your absence was. Well, enjoy.' Luke-warm and telltale-depressingly, I think is how we approached that one. Almost no one has sane display names now anyway - for someone who enjoys positive impressions, ick.

Add that to the already-existing list of things that suck in the majority of players and keep everyone 'close but never quite good enough', and the habit is going to eventually disappear in favour of more-lively offline attractions. I want to have something offline as rewarding as early electronic game-play used to be, to remember the next year for. I just looked at the last chapter of the story I was typing from January, and discovered that enough time has passed for me to critique it before perhaps proceeding some more. Time can work in funny ways on creativity.

I tried to solve a small subscription issue with Wheatbiscuit Senior yesterday morning, over text message. I've obviously only known his reactions to things as a youngish adult onwards, though it was easy for me to see that it wasn't going to happen well enough - also because I was polishing off the fabulous clicking-art of bow-making on my ex-game at the same time. Maybe I'll find something healthy to break the re-formed ice with in this second part of the day. Chasing loot and experience points won't do, even with the best music and sustenance.

Peace all, and happy weekend. ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Unfailingly good weather

~ Some effects of a weekly coffee enjoyed

~ Charring some meat in a frying pan

~ Remembered to check mailbox

November 12, Wednesday morning:

I don't stay overlong browsing websites often used for entertainment anymore, but I checked YT yesterday and spotted this one video - 'A Caveman's Journey into the Prison of Dopamine'. Now, we've probably heard/read a lot about dopamine, but in that video, the artist added several 'status bars' (something we might understand from ex-games), for 'D/O/S/E' - dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins (mood chemicals?). I hadn't used an acronyms for something as practical as that to consider daily before (but also see my forum signature, I guess).

Anyway, it was a crushing middle of a story to witness especially. The ending was a surprise too - you'd think the characters might have simply destroyed the artificial stimuli, but instead acknowledged them as a challenge. The narrator didn't mention further lifelines for anybody who wanted to voluntarily and knowingly challenge themselves to resist said stimuli, but hey, who thinks of everything?

I guess the storytelling counts on people having had formative experiences in nature to actually recall. I happen to, but if not - I've heard of social events where people meet in parks and simply stare into each other's eyes for long periods of time before!

Ah, goodness help the honest citizens advertising such things. Speaking of which, I applauded myself for sitting through 7 minutes of ads in silence, semi-monitoring their progress before the actual video. We know it can be done in place of gaming, too!

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Cool breezes through windows the last 24 hours

~ Not messing up my sleep too badly by getting up early again and then having an extra 2 hours
~ Been able to work out moderately after an exertion headache 2 weeks ago (RDLs were the culprit)

~ Physical book reading options - I have a copy of 'The Body, a Guide for Occupants', but I really just want to re-read 'The Stand' by Stephen King for a 3rd time!

Edited November 11, 2025Nov 11 by wheatbiscuit
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Friday, 5th of December:

The temperature outside is pretty high today. I 'cut it fine' at 9am by walking up part of the road to the park, but then turned back to walk the block closer to home, so I wouldn't find myself stranded.

One of the first definitions of technology that I read in general science class was of technology, perhaps: it was 'machines are tools which ease human effort'. I think that sometimes we have forgotten the 'connection' we could have achieved for 'ease' (of access) to entertainment or information. That might be why noticing a harmless, dissenting opinion online may have worked upon many a person as a negative, emotional trigger.

For me, occasionally coming first is a physical cringe of pain, or solitary embarrassment when, you know, I perceive something to be worded in an incendiary way. All that here has almost become a dance - it is meant to attempt to explain my conflicting desires to post or commit to anything online, of late - here at my computer, or to a lesser extent, my phone (I can call and/or lie down while holding that).

On the latest-played version of my crutch-game, I have spent a lot of the time sitting here, staring at further solitary movements. I even turned off global messaging. It was sometimes even peaceful - I typed to whom I wanted to, almost undistracted.

___________

But recently, I've only really detoxed 'on the daily': a few hours - though rather unmoderated, followed by actually looking forward to calling time on play for the day, then resting and completing chores, telling myself to start a streak the next day. I came to type of what I've missed, which has been actually being able to distinguish a good day from a bad day, after seeing either one through to the best of my ability (sans-games).

I have been remembering racing to my desk and computer to post here, as though to competitive gameplay, so that I might get concentratedly-formed sentence practice. The two have gotten muddled on occasion, and I should at least remember whether I am trying to connect, or simply entertain and inform myself - maybe everybody else. That said, I like the sound of the work you've all been putting in. Perhaps it quite should be, as we plan a historically-fun time of year.

Best wishes, guys. ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Not having to stay anywhere long that is really being subjected to the heat today

~ Ice cubes

~ The human elements noticeable (or not, as I saw in a random text yesterday) in tech-communication
~ Sleep and slight head-cold recovery

Day #1, December 6

The forum page above the post before this one probably says '4 weeks later...' - with the classic triple periods.

The funny thing may be that I kept very poor track of medium-term time during my first detox, aside from occasionally reflecting on what two-digit day count I had started each entry with (single digits are the most 'whack' and difficult, right?). I guess the hope at the back of my mind has always been a lack of surprise, or even eagerness in others at the prospect of talking like this in person. Maybe it is 'just me' that imagines forum users feeling shame at being automatically 'called out' by its code, for not having posted recently - given what we're here for, but I doubt it.

Following on from whack-ness, I spent almost all of last night dreaming that I had to prepare a comprehensive speech on a single in-game item, which I had been hoarding for some time. I knew that 'using' them meant hours of fevered watching and clicking, and worse - agitation and irritation if I had to pay attention to anything else alongside.

But the speech had to rely on both delivery (hand gestures), flow and humour, without reading word-for-word from cards or, egad, a sheet of paper.

____________

Gamers were (once) the best kind of people, I have said before. Personally, younger me knew that I had to continue growing in feeling and thought, despite not getting far enough with existing relationships. So I went online. That probably isn't even that uncommon a story. But I got right through everything, to where those good kinds of people (players) were no longer challenging. This however, still is. People around me still F-up colossally, and what I intend to do is go about my modest objectives, showing that it's possible not to do lasting harm to others along the way. Keep it up, guys.

~ Matt

Edited December 6, 2025Dec 6 by wheatbiscuit
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Day #2, December 7

I felt pretty healthy after the amount of fiction and selective news-reading I did yesterday - so much so that I thought about testing the might of it all on PvP gaming and voice chat. Those are aged thought patterns, probably mostly stemming from early (and occasionally recent) gaming videos with particular music that I liked, fuelling ideas of out-thinking competition online - all likely to the tune of my own compiled playlists.

I also reflected on the use of colour-coded game objects/interfaces, sometimes corresponding to other parts of the play. I really do wonder whether anyone actually ever spoke the words, 'That'll reel them in!', referring to prospective players. Maybe the truth of it is a bid to try and encourage players to need the game as much as developers need paying members - loneliness?

I really do want to keep sharing positively, because I can't expect anyone reading here to tell people already in my life to 'straighten up, and fly right' friendship-wise - you know, instead of doubling down on an 'I'm always right' attitude. That first truthful paragraph was it, for now.

Some gratitude for yesterday:

~ Steering clear of the second hot day, to finally enjoying a full walk in this morning's cooler temperatures

~ More good sleep, though not entirely having kicked my cold (moderate but persistent nose and throat stuff)

~ Forgetting/not having an obsessive dream

~ Halfway through 'The Stand' reading, keeping better track of the pace and descriptions

Peace, ~ Matt

Edited December 7, 2025Dec 7 by wheatbiscuit
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Day 4, December 9

Several moments, I've noticed (for example) the kneeling and crouching muscles used during chores. When I was hurrying through them to get back to gameplay, they usually seemed light and fluid, when in fact I was building momentum to continue the habits.

As well, I had to be really imagining the movements my avatar was making, after I clicked. I couldn't actually feel them as I do crouching, kneeling and scrubbing, AFK. It has also been incredibly task-oriented for me; About to reach a destination? What else haven't I clicked on or arrow-keyed the viewpoint for yet? All of that with the eyes, though I frequently breathed sighs when the swift calculations were over. Most of my body remained still.

^ That's another thing; beginning so many operations in the brain at once - often without moving a muscle - kept me locked-in enough anyway. Thinking freely whilst doing a number of other things AFK is quite sobering.

I didn't feel much like typing yesterday; I felt challenged enough through many silent hours. The night of Day 2, I lay down and played some newish music for an hour, paying most of my attention to that and the evening sounds outside of the window. I actually wondered whether that was preferable to further silence - I didn't particularly need the emotional lift it gave me right before bed, that night. It may have made Day 3 more challenging.

Will maybe update with more later. Thanks all, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Still sleeping solidly, probably because of the head-cold. I managed to finish the last morning's dream with flying baby pigs. They were supposed to covertly transport freshly-baked cookies for me, I think. 😄

~ Kept the windows open for the pleasant breeze for the first few hours of the night. I rarely remember getting up to eventually close them.

~ No real gaming urges, because 'winning' by many people's standards of the game I've been playing would most likely still demand too much for my part. I did let Connections become a gateway to Wordle (where one can guess even more wrongly) though.

~ Finally swapping a warm winter shirt for a lighter one, after donning it on a strange whim

Edited December 8, 2025Dec 8 by wheatbiscuit

Day 6, December 11

I've just been swimming at the pool with Wheatbiscuit Senior, and got lapped a few times by a teenager (I suppose that's only likely to continue, unless I train quite hard). Christmas planning in progress. ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Becoming reminiscently food-hungry but not minding much, as the morning was organised and enjoyable

~ Cold drinking water

~ Waking up earlier than I expected, before looking at the clock

~ Working on that distress tolerance

On 12/11/2025 at 2:12 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

Wheatbiscuit Senior

Who dat? ;)

Day 8, December 13

I got to the gym today in the same company. It had been both added to and re-arranged in terms of equipment since I was last there some days ago - nice and exciting.

Just now, I was both glad and concerned to remember to browse - and post on - GQ on my phone before opening my PC. This is because of an angry rumination problem I've had over varying time lengths. I didn't realise why I felt and went through one today, post-gym, until I thought about a spoken change of plans for next week, which I considered could have been retaliation for not showing enough interest in. Not true, as I am always trying to look forward to each thing I have scheduled, solo or jointly. And then, I was given specific permission to go home and shower, which (after stepping in) is what triggered the rumination. I just hate to imagine how my parents used to (or still) cope with a suddenly angry mind, instead of fairly and calmly resolving such states promptly. Maybe some of y'all know what I'm talking about; would you have any advice?

I could have run to a gaming session, but twenty odd minutes here instead is a win - can I get a hallelujah?

Thanks guys. ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Good weather to begin with, instead of forecast rain

~ The gym staff amused me by not emoting much at all when asked about the new layout. ^_^

~ Acknowledging to myself that I don't always deserve to be around expressly bad attitudes

~ A new fuzzy toothbrush

2 hours ago, Yan said:

Who dat? ;)

A euphemism for my dear old dad. Pink elephants - it's easier to obsess over something else, like Harry Potter lore (3rd time reading this year, complete).

Edited December 13, 2025Dec 13 by wheatbiscuit
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