late Monday morning, day 6:

Almost a week since the latest revelation - when I blurted out over the phone, 'I was just playing my computer game', without caring who had asked what or how I was doing. Still, what would I say now? 'Catching up on people's ideas of popular history?' (through a novel). The thing I spent the most time doing on my past game was clicking on creatures for 'combat' - where half of any two-digit number might appear on the screen in red or blue. Some part of me has likened that to face to face conversation in person, where someone mightn't know what effect the next statement or question might have on the other(s), and vice versa. 

That wasn't one of the problems I had whilst gaming; it was my passing by of people in public, unable to hold a smile or show of courtesy for long enough, or going to places (even the gym) while half or more of my head was still at home, locked in. As long as I couldn't tell myself that I was more/completely 'for' the offline world, and not the virtual, I was anxious. So that's what that has been.

As it happens, the day looks perfect today, but I was a little disappointed because on Sunday, while peaceful, I didn't really talk to anyone, except for getting a short text reply that had me thinking that a scheduled call was forgotten. I went to bed early and slept a ton, in two blocks again. The 'hangover' remained. If I don't get worked up enough for gym, I'll walk around properly soon.

I've read from page 100 to 500 out of 900 in the last week of the new book that I at first found shallow. There were enough new phrases and scenes that kept me turning them over. Maybe this week I'll have finished it and picked up something to continue on from it with.

__________

Edit: There were a few mild disturbances today, though. In the morning (though I can't expect everyone to be as considerate and reserved as me in person), I was twice near-laughingly called to my open window by a tradesman to ask if I minded the water being shut off for a moment/could I refrain from using the taps. I was reading and cooking at both 8:30 and 10am, which I imagined looked lazy and indulgent. 

I got out for my walk, during which most of the time I spent dismissing lapses in judgement/inconsiderateness, but still felt alright. Only once home, I indulged again in a second cocoa, and soon after heard what sounded like some of the regular stamping around on the floor above me - combined with the yapping and/or yelping of a small dog. Unfortunately, I was contemplating abusive behaviour for whatever reason, and was almost ready to investigate it, until the noises stopped. By then, I was up for more decaf tea, and couldn't see any way of out the slump except to read about my historic game's new 'skill', which I'm as unlikely to try as half of the new 'bosses' the producers have put out in the last few years. 

On the game's download page, there is some kind of staged scene of PvP fights, which I once again told thin air to 'F.O.' with, and engaged with step 1 of the process. - But wait - Why should I download something that's going to make my life 3 or 4x harder, and take up many more mornings, afternoons and evenings? That was enough to abandon the first file and the remaining process, and make another small meal. I was grasping for any minor rewarding feeling after 1.5 days of next-to-nothing. I think I'm avoiding getting my whole person dragged into anything serious, without the promise of calming down every day at about 6pm. It's a disability thing/precaution. Do I want to feel 'just OK', without further recognisable achievement, for 30, 40 or even 50 more years? That was what was on my mind the most. It doesn't seem unreasonable, but passing that time as such is as daunting as any other period/process of attainment.

____________

Good luck, all

~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Weather, unavoidably

~ Allowing for only a semi-cold shower

~ Even as my subscriptions to the game should run out this week, I realise my free-to-play plans would most likely get me in just as much trouble too *shrug* 

Edited July 14Jul 14 by wheatbiscuit
Afternoon

Tuesday morning, day 7:

Even though there's been a lot less ruminating, a third night (out of only seven) where I spent an hour awake, somewhere between 12-3am could now be considered a trend. I've been recently tired enough to want to fall asleep between as early as 6-9pm, which when gaming (aside from its effects) made for a reasonable 8 hours average, normally from 9pm to 5am; this week it's been 10-12 hours.

I'm pretty sure that experiencing a series of positive emotions in a regular activity, that is cared about not only by me, would see me keeping better sleep hygiene, but part of me is very hard to convince of such care on an average day. Some regard has been given to a community centre by a peer and I about 20 minutes' walk away, but I never had the best suspicions about its location and members. It was still a 'maybe' for this Friday. 

I dreamt that I was in a new kitchen, run by a heated boss/manager - who, as the stories go, had a soft side. I bluffed my way through food preparation and then shone when it came time for cleaning - as everyone else seemed to be in a hurry to leave and did a poor job. Pleasant enough was when I was praised for my imaginary duties, but I woke up as though the bossiness and work was real. There was a hot-headed manager in my book as well, otherwise I can't see where the traits would have come from, other than my dormant side or from long-past-viewed TV shows.

On the plus, the month that has just passed since seeing my therapist has gone quickly upon reflection, unlike this week. That was a major reason for grinding my historic game; slowing life down/appreciating time more. I still have to work on the appreciation bit. So even if I didn't feel like it 30% of the time, with reasonably-comfortable gym sessions/walks/chores, I have been 'winning'. I have a bit of a motive today though, in addition to thinking yesterday how great it would be to have gaming completely validated by my therapist and everyone else as being a part of my life, but I also know how strongly the guilt/shame comes out in my voice when I talk about my using them to get by (and the difficulties caused), when I'm there. Maybe the talk will be more of a check-up; what I mean is, I think I know what I'll say - which usually means few epiphanies to share. Well, that's all for now.

Peace, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Mild shock followed by reassurance that I didn't wake up a second time at 4am; it's just grey outside.

~ Tea before cocoa - besides suffering, I didn't need the 'hit' straight away!

~ At least remembering to drink some water before sleeping the second block of hours

~ A second dream where my room was chaotically messy - it's only actually 2 or 3 out of 10 on that scale right now

Edited July 14Jul 14 by wheatbiscuit
sleep detail

Thursday morning, day 9:

Basically spent Wednesday finishing reading that fiction novel. A lot of it revolves around music, but also the characters getting through ~50 years of life (1960s to 2010s), speeding up the years near its end. I don't really know its target audience, but I'm probably included; the author was born in 1950, so the timeline should have suited him at least. I'm now interested in what other people my age, as pre-adults, may have gone for in terms of entertainment that may have been too mature for them. I went for music and movies, while sticking to Harry Potter etc. at the same time.

I had one moment where I considered the feeling of playing my first main profile on the problem game's re-release, almost to the point of my second, which should soon, too, be snug and boring in free-to-play status. The only thing a 'main' profile did was give a small sense of invulnerability: 'easy mode'. It would have reminded me of how I 'knew what I was doing' on the game, but had little real method or 'grit/patience'. But I shook my head after a couple of minutes - the thought occurring while washing up. 

No real bad news, though early abstinence seems to be a fragile state of affairs sometimes. Relatedly, today I was waking myself up and hoping to get to the gym, but who should start text-monologuing me but Wheatbiscuit Senior? If I thought that making 'how are you' a mandatory conversational starting point every day would help, I would, but it seems all I can realistically try to do is put it from my mind until a reaction/response is no longer interesting. I've had to start psyching myself up again from zero for the day, after the demoralisation of that. On the plus, I swapped for a new book, something a bit humorous I think. I should probably be less hard on myself for the time being - everyone outside of my family tells me that, at least.

__________

Edit: Great day; largely a healthy-feeling day - but I can't say that it meant too much, which is also necessary. In 2009, I quit my only high-levelled profile for 2-3 months, giving away all of its items in a free-for-all. That was because I was outnumbered and out-strategised in PvP one evening by the antichrist - JK, probably only by someone worse off than me in life, and who was attempting to restore balance in their own way. 

Anyway, someone (who has sadly since passed away) came back to my school then, and heard rumour that I still played the same game. We shared my profile, as I had put in far longer hours, grinding, and finally during an in-person conversation, he told me of his regular swimming training on early mornings, outdoors, even in Winter. I took in his appearance for what felt like the first time, and wanted to look, or at least feel the same kind of 'tough'. So I expressed enthusiasm for it at home, and encouraged family to make regular pool trips. That was one of the beginnings of forcing myself to move/get exercise that year. I felt that overt 'toughness' was the only way to get through school life. In a way for me, it was, but I could have learnt a little more/better. 

There wasn't a lot more 'points per hour' grinding after we met, but I completed quests and clicked for more coins over the next 2 years, and the funny thing is, it felt good because I knew that by sharing my profile, someone else had value (of some relatively small sort, but value) added by almost the exact same avenue, at different times - turn-taking. I chatted with his gaming-friends (I only had a few), and it was perhaps generally accepted that we needed that game, in a way, in order to continue pondering life/relationships etc. 

Later on, I would usually tell whoever I was playing alongside that it was time for chores, and whatever else; 'Brb/Bbs/Bbl/Cya/Ciao (message)', you know. But outside of the game, I've been finding, things are too blurred together. During the trial shift I worked 2 weeks ago (I've now followed up on again), like the previous job, I heard someone confess (dramatically?) that they 'don't want to do this anymore'. Maybe outside earshot of me, people say it every day. Because of the ordered continuity I found initially while at school, I had to be desperate to even think such phrases. What it did mean though was that I felt a certain responsibility, even on the internet. Politeness carried over both ways, online and offline, for a positive feedback loop. My efforts compounded, until I met my ex, who had become a proverbial sitting stone. Things are fine, of course, until it happens that stones are existentially challenged from the outside. I knew this, but I had forgotten, until during a harmless (for me) text conversation, when I aired a few too many self-correcting thoughts, along with a 'you' statement, and was promptly told that I wasn't human (anymore - naturally) (not the exact words, but I'm tired of entertaining the actual opinion).

For the first time, I tried to absorb the theory of what it is to be human, whenever and wherever I could. For my family, who may also have forgotten (especially with me on the same 'team', propelling it) the feeling of ordered continuity that I had, I still believe it was too challenging. For about 6 months, I thought I had no one but me, truthfully. The keyword was 'thought', not 'felt' or 'believed', but it was sometimes a close thing. That, unlike too many other times, was a kind of delusion. The reality was possibly that my specific efforts were at peak, where around me, there only seemed to be troughs.

Since I started interacting with GQ, my felt morality seems to have peaked somewhat. Yet there is nothing that truly demands changing like things used to. Could I really say that people aren't as receptive to morality on the internet anymore? Is it just an avenue for boredom-alleviation/entertainment? I haven't consistently 'had my way' since I was 13, when my brother accidentally got me back for picking on him, and I had to leave him alone. I do learn, you know. But these days, and finally I've arrived at the point of this edit, it's as though the slightest inhibiting of someone's doing 'what I want, when I want' is a grave threat. Gyms, games, streets, even public amenities. I only hope that at yet another place I want to visit tomorrow proves me wrong, as things occasionally (yet welcomely) do, in cases like these. Peace.

__________

~ Matt

Gratitude:
~ The book I just read was from a 'take one, leave one' park library; might check it out again and leave what I didn't the first time, plus this book, before trying to select another

~ Sun warmth

~ Checking my first main profile's statistics for memories, and a reminder of what playing it meant
~ I listened to myself this morning, unlike when going for yesterday's afternoon walk; that I shouldn't have forced myself onto popular streets while feeling anti-social

Edited July 17Jul 17 by wheatbiscuit
Evening edit

Saturday afternoon, day 11:

The new book I've found is a very lengthy, written-meme. The only real problem? That I preferred to continue reading it than agree (as heavily prompted) to my Dad's several changes in plan, over text. I told him that was a serious issue once before, as well as the whole thing about airing unfiltered thoughts - which is something I used to do that got me hospitalised (and probably dumped) close enough, but nobody else in my family at the time. The curses of never taking one's eye off of 'the ball' and stuff, especially as repeatedly told to, as a general life rule.

Yesterday I woke up sick, and I'm counting on tonight to either give me a second hint that something is super-wrong, or to see me close to recovered. Today, I wanted to avoid posting a generic motivational speech, or rant about NPD etc. It seems so obvious to me sometimes, and yet maybe one of the problems is not successfully ramping up to find more important things to worry about, day by day, moment to moment. What of substance is the original problem? Search me.

Peace, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ I marvelled at my body as it encouraged me to purge whatever I'd picked up; sickness can rival health in curiosity

~ The first few sips of water and electrolytes I was able to take later yesterday; yes, some were brought to me by Wheatbiscuit Senior, but I know my enduring doubts came from somewhere today, right?

~ The other first of going outside to put out trash, after not having been outside for 24 hours
~ I'm pretty sure it was a new brand of sauce/dodgy pack of minced meat that got to me, but in any case I ditched the leftovers as something preventative, and freed up fridge space

 

Sunday afternoon, day 12:

I almost copied and pasted a link to a webpage to my Dad about asking 'leading' questions; years ago, up until I got/felt 'unwell', it was a habit I'd picked up easily and early on from one or both of my parents. Maybe I should see the ensuing circumstances as lucky for me. All I really thought of today was the distinct possibility that it would be taken as a personal attack, especially as it remained one kind of attempt at asking how I was going with my recent spot of sickness. I think it's simply a mistake to use them when parties are vulnerable. I chose not to 'go there' today, and was 'brief' - but he fled/went inactive after my brief (but complicit and succinct) replies.

It is a bitter pill, but as one author put it, supposedly once you've written off a person (even your child) as having an (inborn) personality disorder, there isn't any 'going back'. I, however, know I can control what I respond/react to for the largest part, and will continue trying my utmost best to - the topic of leading questions was broached by my best friend, telling me that I shouldn't/why we shouldn't ask leading questions - and he could have physically and verbally shredded my Dad from the first days of our attending high school. That's why I was usually keen to support him, even when I was asking such questions to aid him in problem-solving. My Dad, however, is supposed to have 20-25 years of people management down, and should know better, in my view.

When I finally stepped outside and walked for half an hour, after 2 miserable days at home, I felt right - like nothing bad had ever or would ever happen, as long I was gentle on my stomach/system. Why shouldn't I be able to treat my psychology that way too? So, even if people have silently written me off, I still haven't and don't intend to have the slightest urge to indulge that opinion. Who actually shows they care for a real future among my ilk? Maybe just me. *shrug*

Peace, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Sunshine

~ Finished reading 'The Black Box of Doom' -  may review it tomorrow 

~ The 'do nothing/little' strategy for minimising gaming urges seems to work - but will I still plan and carry out exercise programs 'easily' hereafter?

~ I somewhat foresaw this latest book's mystery, just not the final scenes

Monday morning, (lucky) day 13:

Horrific dream; a confrontation with a 'mask off' NPD/ASPD sufferer. Eventually, as I kept track of the points I wanted to make, in a dual-shouting/screaming match, I significantly dropped my voice and said something (unfortunately, I think the only point of the altercation was to have all present acknowledge the presence of disorder) ending with 'if you stopped shouting' - another mistake, I guess, instead of offering 'if we stopped shouting'. Sometimes though, in real life, I have been tired of accepting that people don't have agency unless a 'we' suggestion is made first. Does a person have to be overly submissive to say/recognise that that person was wrong, and to apologise, if they think they know it to be true? And the following was at the end of 'The Black Box of Doom', a suggestion that (big) issues must be (passionately) 'hashed out' before mandatorily 'putting it (said issue) to bed'/breaking bread. If you're smart/have knowledge, I don't think so, but if not, well.. As a conclusion for the dream, the unmasked person clearly perceived a life or death situation, and the imaginary sense I had was that the shouting would not have ended until I either bowed at the knees showily, or left the scene to let the affected systems calm down naturally. 

That's another anxious thing I picked up along the way to the health system; counting only upon logic to 'fit in', - that is, piping up at the slightest conversational inaccuracy, and nothing else, but hurriedly and repeatedly confessing 'Oh my god, I'm an idiot' if I got the smallest thing wrong. That's not healthy, and it's not realistic. During food service sometime, I got over most of that, but I know someone important who hasn't. 

Last night's dream, I'd never been able to concoct something as unpleasant before, but I guess after hours of reading and rehearsing (often compulsively), there was enough information to do so. So it is relevant, that periodically during 3 days of sickness, I consistently reassured myself in a theoretically/psychologically-unhealthy way (at home, while solo) that I 'knew' nothing had changed drastically around me (in my suburb) except my own individual bodily health. How people choose to do that, if they do so, is IMO up to the individual, and I don't want to guide that because sickness can be a very vulnerable time. However, my strategy may have been a trigger-point for the dream - some kind of values-based feedback from myself that indicated I went 'too far' in my reassurances. If you know, you know. I don't want 'main character syndrome', but sometimes balance demands a little (very little, relatively) egocentricity. This is not the same as okaying abuse. Well, that's all for now.

Peace, ~ Matt

Gratitude:
~ More than enough unbroken sleep

~ Finishing a book at the same time as becoming tired, but avoiding skim-reading

~ Somehow my whole system recognised significant recovery from the moment I woke up past dawn

~ Hopefully learning more about when to speed up and when to slow down, because of the last 3 days, generally

'I'm Starting to Worry About this Black Box of Doom', Jason Pargin.

So the parts of this book are numbered by days (4 or 5) over which the story is spread. Then it regularly changes points of view from each main character gradually introduced.

I was right to expect it to be humorous (for me), but mostly because some of my prejudices seemed to be understood, if not past habits. I checked, and some people online (even online spaces named in the book) found it too accurate for their lives, which is unfortunate (or not). I also agreed with those who said it wasn't too difficult to read, if familiar with the themes. 

Its themes do include - even relevant to us here - addiction/negativity, but also conspiracy and general confusion. I still don't really know how best to put the reading experience other than how I tried before - it being like a lengthy, written meme. The author includes fictional media posts slightly altered but similar in tone to ones that make it into the real world. Those were the 'hairiest' parts, in my view. There were also the matters of the main character's frustrations over ideas about male relationships with women, and his parents. 

I liked it, despite being obviously secretive about the mystery of 'the box' and how it filtered information for the story, but also because it largely didn't make me personally feel stupid for reading it, while entertaining in ways I might have predicted. The story did have to ultimately be wrapped up, and wrap up it did, but it still (like most books) left much mental room for the reader to decide what to do, or think, next for themselves when they'd finished reading.

It was the easiest and best choice for me from the park library then, and I'll be sure to return it soon for someone else.

Edited July 21Jul 21 by wheatbiscuit
detail

Tuesday morning, day 14:

I used to get cold sweats while gaming. Want to know why? It probably started with some odd, adventurous PvP attempt made by me, then some well-earned banter from my target - but then, a spelling or grammar correction made by me, again. I believed if someone was going to mean what they typed online, it had to be cautious - only, it was easy (easier) to criticise. No one is perfect, but I corrected my mistakes after re-reading, usually, like some others. It seemed important. After awhile, I think those conversations turned into who does/doesn't care about this/that, and then dispersion. Sometimes though, I just got on everyone's nerves, wanting that next adventurous clicking battle and forcing it. Other times, I persuaded everyone to be nice to each other. The thing is, it depended on both my mood, and constant typing/talking to faces I couldn't see, with seemingly no down time - probably the forefront of unwell-ness. That could be why, even when the journey/grind towards that kind of readiness/excitement can be enjoyable, the final frontier is rubbish for me and many others - gaming. 

It is wearing, having that history, but then going outside and watching 90-95% of life go by, until I start to see really healthy opportunities presented. And sometimes, I don't feel up to much seeing either. My old rule, for the 6 months before I joined GameQuitters, was getting up to exercise every 3 hours. Somehow, those 3 hours lasted awhile, because the copycat game had so many extra rewards/stimulation - even the days seemed longer (I often lost sleep and had to crash to catch up after a few days). But mostly what I'd do was play upbeat music, tramp around the suburbs and think about what a hotshot gamer I was - yet barely interacting the way I used to (the 'victors' since many years ago had to really, really lock in). I certainly didn't interact with many new people offline properly. The fact that I went around a quiet corner, where cyclists liked to take the footpath as well, led to a few surprises from behind me as my music played. I was convincing myself based on a tiny minority that nobody cared at all. Of course, I was still looking for opportunities for good interactions, but the 'split' I was working with was not effective. 

I got more sleep again last night, and am fairly up to a visit to the gym, not having been there in over a week. I had snacks for breakfast, and still marched out for a circuit walk, energised but a little unsteady. I think coordinated lifting might help. I also swapped books for a Stephen King re-read, 'The Institution' again. The characters' victories were heartwarming, though sad for simultaneous losses near the end. That's all for now.

Peace, ~ Matt

Gratitude:
~ The infrequently purchased artificially flavoured food

~ Water

~ No roadwork blocks this morning

~ Obeyed traffic lights as a minority

 

Wednesday morning, day 15:

I usually describe GQ as almost blogging/entertainment. When asked last week, why less writing/private diary-keeping, that's what I said was helpful to me. I re-read a lot of what I type in the moment here, later, as a guide. Maybe that's foolish, I don't know, but there'd be a lot more hate on the page/screen if I didn't expect anyone at all to ever care ('that's BS', 'this person deserves that', etc.) Besides, it's like a better warm-up for physical world interactions. 

Only, I went out yesterday to one of my two preferred gyms, and couldn't stand the deadening, impatient silence I perceived among our handful of people at the first main crossing - and we pretty much always have to watch out for bicycles temporarily sharing the path. I put in my earphones for some extra, soothing sounds. That had its own problem of partly transporting me from where I was, into imagination/reflection/slightly elevated self-consciousness.

I let that feeling pass, knowing not much more could I do, until the second main crossing, when a cyclist seemed to rocket by within a foot of me, and down a quieter street. Later in the day yesterday, I realised yet again that the person could have been much less present than I was, and determined to deliver food, or whatever. But in the moment, I was so anxious, unseen and tip-toeing around strangers, that I let my eyes bulge on approach, and was ready to directly delay the rider's journey, shall we say. As always though, either the person 'got off on' the near miss, and trusted me to be upset for personal space, or was simply caught up in his travel and did the absolute minimum so as not to ride into me.

Though that could very well be my flaws showing, I still hated feeling stupid/like I was in the wrong place, when all I'd done was add some soft sounds to my environment, 10 minutes before. I had seen the cyclist coming from 15 metres away. I was actually already thinking about the impossibly dumb idea it would be for someone to ride right through a common pedestrian route without pause. Does it really all just serve me right? I have known I need perspective-taking for many years now, and I am almost always trying. *shrug*

Had I been power-walking to the gym, and not thinking at all, either the timing would have been way off, or been 'perfect', and we could have naturally collided, hard. I've been thinking of so many things that could go wrong, whenever 'disturbed', instead of my original and very-basic standby of 'always be honest, be on top of your tasks, and try your best'. But I can't trust everyone and everything these days, even if I had all the strength in the world. Someone would eventually say 'too much', or 'too little', even. Then what? The final, and my first honest 'F U'? I don't want that. Boring; sad.

That's all for now. Peace to everyone, where you find it. ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ A good, standard upper body gym visit - though I did switch off a bit while I was there

~ First cocoa since Friday's sickness/bug

~ Oatmeal/porridge

~ Planning ability

Saturday morning, day 18:

Something about planning gym or jogging first thing in the morning, before first trying to order my thoughts, I panicked about 2 days ago. I felt ashamed, and didn't want to rant or vent here immediately. That problem was much more easily solved by a casual walking circuit first, instead.

I had a good Friday; walked around with a peer and bought coffee indoors, and watched a slice of the original Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It was innocent fun - I also attempted to casually explain my 'comfort zone' choices; casually because I've forgotten exactly what I said. 

I've decided that, aside from random 'scary' moments that are going to take time to deal with, I am better off without game compulsions. I mean, even the NYT Connections/Wordle dailies affect my mood sometimes. It would be great if I always received the same camaraderie feelings whatever I 'did' and shared with people, but sometimes it seems like I and those in my life are slaves to mood. Sometimes. Living for the day, and God help anyone who risks spoiling that day. Ah, ranting.

No, trauma does exist for the traumatised. The causes of it may seem relatively minor to others who possibly always enjoy reflection and silence (I immensely respect those two things, as I try to convey, but it's not always a fun deal), but if one traumatic world is all a prospective person knows, and then once able to see what comparative good health looks/feels like, realises that something is 'up' on the inside, certain things can trickle (or flood) back to that individual. My job is to try not to over-rehearse the imaginary fights that animal-Matt may or may not actually want to have.

Thanks all, and good luck for the weekend. ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Sat at the park underneath sun

~ Un-pressured socialising

~ Finished the Stephen King re-read, very satisfactorily

~ Not letting waking up before dawn bother me (wanting too much for it to be light before going outside)

Edited July 25Jul 25 by wheatbiscuit
edit

Monday morning, day 20:

I was eager to come online here to discuss a local news article I read yesterday about imminent civilisational collapse (lol), but as @Yan already mentioned, I also kept getting redirected to a clothing website instead of GQ. Maybe because this is an important place for everyone trying to keep away from tech/game addiction, I thought of the worst case scenarios concerning the forum. I spent some time reading (and scrolling - text-based posts) elsewhere instead. 

^ For example, a bit of the 'Surrounded by x/y' theory by Thomas Erikson. The article I read, I could have happily dismissed as controversy/stimulation-hungry 'Yellow' behaviour, saved only by the bravery/courage of questioning everything and everyone - not exactly a new idea. As I often say, my own values changed very little. But how to think? Well, if I could control the visual pleasure of seeing a strikingly blue car (The Simpsons -'not easily impressed' 😄) while out and about, maybe I would, but I'd rather give it the several seconds it deserves (like other things/thoughts) and act accordingly if it's actually a big deal for me and those whom I've spent time with. 

Last night and the night before, I had detailed gaming dreams. One included being awarded 'the rarest loot', and the decision of whether to share it, before waking up (because it didn't matter). The disturbing part was imagining what it would be like to literally pick up the shape of the item in my hand (it looks like a boomerang in two-dimensional). That particular item only ever held monetary value in my eyes, but still. 

I also had to self-motivate big time to get to the gym yesterday (Sunday), but it was worth it just to stretch and leg press for awhile. Clinical, and probably a near-best as well. I just couldn't make the trip out feel 100% positive, somehow. At least I beat most of the anxiety. There will be a similar and significant test to try and overcome later today. I aim to do what I can and report back.

Edit: I went to test the environment early before I was due, and I mostly received bad signs and then primal discomfort. It often crosses my mind, wondering where forcefulness/aggression would get me for minor roadblocks, but I didn't even get that far today. So I turned back home, and found a neighbour out front, whom I talked with/listened to for awhile, and whom assured me that 'in this climate', I should focus on personal happiness. Today was a kind of health check-up I'd scheduled, but more for a certain physical mystery to be solved. I think the revelation finally was that I simply don't care enough. I keep saying that I've lived my best already, and accept that no matter what I do, someone's going to say that it isn't enough. Almost best to live like a burden to official systems, until natural strengths prevail/are deemed necessary - because instinctive reactions to it don't seem to work while I am a minority. What I won't do is tell other people that their heads are out-and-out wrong. I will continue to show compassion and forgiveness.

Gratitude:

~ I got so 'bored' that I read over my amateur, fictional novel-to-be. However, I knew that getting into it yesterday would drain a few hours, and I went outside instead. Maybe this week.

~ Breakfast juice

~ I read to the end of Harry Potter 6, but recognised the sadness of its ending, and follow-through to the last book, and have paused. One person online called the last book(s) a 'cash grab'. Such raw cynicism isn't healthy, is it? There are many good things about each of the stories in the series too. 

~ Waking up feeling clear-headed this past weekend

Tuesday morning, day 21:

One or two nights as a teenager, I dreamt of 'hell'/'the pit'. It was simply a deep well of a hole, which expanded at the bottom to hold a supermarket-like selection of high-sugar and fatty foods - no protein to be found, actually, unless you count the 5% content of it in things like chips or candy bars. Fair enough, as I only had a dim idea back then that it was meats and the like, that kept me 'full' at any hour of the day. I always sort of knew at the back of my mind what was going to be bad for me in the long term. I just rarely had those kinds of conversations to instil an idea like that; only, 'your final high school year is 'coming' (during a car trip, 3 years away from the year I spent every spare hour gaming)' in an ominous/foreboding tone. I had a lot to look forward to, long-term. No, not really. 

The point in mentioning the above is because I liked having a conscience at the back of my mind - not because it had less influence there, but because I was able to focus on tasks at hand. I had a good relationship with it, paying easy attention to 'red flags' day to day. But yesterday, and frequently since living alone, there is usually a fight for space at front of mind. I found myself thinking of the formerly-held-as-an-excuse line, 'Lost faith in humanity/Faith in humanity restored', used at a seeming whim. I go back to an even earlier post, and lament the loss of simple goodness as a way of being - or rather, responding to every significant need that I detected, online or offline. I mean, what happened? Are we as a society losing the battle to perhaps, ASPD sufferers who've collectively or powerfully-individually given in to the most basic of ego demands - that 'everybody ought to be like me'? I feel strongly about this because I've pretty much always worn a protective role, even when the protected-to-be display ASPD-like traits. I always figured I could 'handle' external issues to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, mental rehearsals for situations can be intrusive at times, and hard to keep track of.

There were global group chats built in to my previous online game, where if it weren't for the fear of being 'reported' and 'muted'/'banned' in-game, things would probably have been as conversationally bad as they could get on the internet. I couldn't begin to 'handle' the worst of those group chats, and even if I joined one, desperate to socialise without any gameplay at all, somehow I'm sure that motive would be sniffed out, and savaged viciously in easy-(or even hard)to-come-by words. That was one of the saddest parts of it in later days.

I've used words that way (as weapons to hurt and discourage) during my first journey through the game's levels. I had become morally misguided by it. As a kind of vigilant kid, I recognised the power of such a trait, but not always the responsibility. Figures, right? Back then, the closest I got to an online reprimand for that behaviour was the simple, mere question of 'Why do you do this?' - or something close to it. I've been asked that a few years later, 'Why do you play this game?' And finally, when I let another player escape a teammate and I in the 'danger zone' (with considerable 'risk', but no 'reward' to us, under the circumstances), I was told I had 'a good heart'. 

I don't want to lose any natural gifts I still have, but I'm wondering if skills inputs will have to far outweigh mere effort outputs in the near future. Will I eventually absolutely have to spend more hours 'outside' of home than in, trying an all-manner of new tasks and challenges offline, in order to keep a hold of them?

Finally, a word about yesterday's post (which should stand as a recorded 'low' point) - I think I was half-triggered by the usual conversational shortcut, that is a choice to 'play upon' a feeling or two, yet-unexpressed in words. That is my only demand these days; follow the process with patience - refrain from pouncing upon me with something like, 'I can see that you're upset, and probably for this reason, but there's no time for that'. No, maybe not for an abuser, but for everyone who is capable of caring, there is. Each day, I intentionally rest/idle around until I know I can contribute wholly to the offline world, taking into account my conditions. The journey is getting there without games. Peace all, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ A second 'hell' dream, which this time half-served as a reminder to turn down the heat in my room - still eerie

~ The extra sleep I got didn't mess with my system much

~ A bit of knowing-compassion at the grocery shop

~ Slowly finished Harry Potter book 6. I still have Dickens's 'Great Expectations' 2/3 remaining, but it's hard to lose myself in pleasurably 😕 

Wednesday morning, day 22:

The best 'experience point' gains in-game usually came while in the throes of good conversation - or as good as you can have while click-grinding and messaging in text. You could almost say the same is entirely true of a good conversation while exercising offline, in person. The one thing that gets to me is forgetting how I arrived at any certain place, or thought. 

Nevertheless, such an offline conversation with Wheatbiscuit Senior (WS) was probably made possible by the free space left in the wake of abstinence from my problem game. At one point I forgot which opinion or experience I was agreeing was good. I don't know how people in high/very important places have serious, collaborative discussions without becoming 'heated' or lost. I don't really know if said people have to stop each other's eyes from bulging with many, many non-verbal cues as the discussion progresses. 'Give me the simple life', indeed. I even asked WS once about people bringing their 'whole selves' to work, and I think he scoffed a little. But then how do people muster all of the facts and wave their hands wildly, tap whiteboards in presentation and accept questions and interruptions without being fully present?

Have I been training myself to be 'simple' through repetitive gaming and reinforcement with music? On one of my news applications, 5 multiple-choice questions were offered across 10 high school subjects to test readers on knowledge they may or may not have retained since then. I knew one. I misinterpreted another, which did little for my confidence, other than that I perhaps deserve more fun instances of multiple-choice testing, and I proceeded to dream about them. The spooky thing was my reaction to immediate correction of a wrong answer - 'I don't need this'. But don't I? I've said before that I was only able to game successfully as a teenager because of the challenges of school either carried over to my online presence, or simply made me want to 'brain dump' at that particular game, at my computer. I mean, what is the 'real' life challenge once we've found work that we actually want to do until exhaustion; accepting that we might suddenly pass away in the midst of routine, so we'd better be happy wherever possible? The only thing I might have wanted to change about my schooling days would have to be how connected I thought I was - in spoken words - with all of my classmates. As it happened, I played a lot of my problem game in my final year because I thought moods were too low for my liking, due to intense study. Instant fact recall, or uniquely helpful viewpoints, to offer people? Hm. 

________

Edit: I felt good about where I 'left' things yesterday, but instead of running back to my game to 'celebrate', I cleaned and vacuumed the living space. It was easier than ever too, save for the drone of the vacuum at the beginning. But what with the rain, and presuming few people really want to be out spending time in it, I just thought more of 'cutting (clicking on) trees in free-to-play' on the game. What is it going to take to forget where I left that? My first thought there was of one of the high school practice exam mathematics questions - I temporarily forgot everything to try and fix up an equation (though I didn't reach the conclusion that I might have had to 'trial and error' the multiple-choice answers to check it yet). I used to love doing quick math, and numbers/stats. It's just that they didn't help me make/keep many friends back then. Plus, again, when I imagine that something matters to many people, it is more motivation than just revising what I once learnt out of fear of failure/repeating a grade. But the other day, I found that my first-year statistics book is still going strong in online sales ads. I said to everyone who'd listen back then that I intended to finish learning all of it, even after passing the unit, so that I could make better calculated decisions (on God knows what) in the future. Maybe most people didn't truly live through their favourite game(s) like I did, or feel like they did, and as such studied hard to earn their all-approved freedom(s). What drove me literally crazy was trying to measure the influence of news on game-players and family, detached from it all. *sigh*

My favourite song for awhile was 'Smash' by The Offspring (look it up, lol). Suddenly and forevermore applying discipline would be a hell of a go, even when some could promise me that the world would be safe, as I kept my nose to my desk.

________

Gratitude:

~ We're getting about a week of rain here now - something to talk about/around. I also dreamt of cyclone avoidance.

~ The company of WS at the workout park yesterday

~ Slept a little more normally, and again triumphed over the early dark hours

~ Finished leftover meat and veg for breakfast 😄 

Peace, ~ Matt

Edited July 30Jul 30 by wheatbiscuit
vent edit

Wednesday evening, day 0:

I know that if I were in direct contact with the whole of humanity, there could not be any time to play my game(s). Sadly, I only invested myself in a few lowly text message chats with my male family members, and was disappointed. One asked how I was going, and I told them - that interaction dead-ended. The other responded condescendingly, in my view, after I made the only two advances of the day - also to discover that I'd missed a chance to visit extended family: though I think it was a quick, 'emergency' visit to say the least. 

Eventually, at around 1:30pm, I found that there was no available time for anything else BUT a lolly-gagging click-fest for a couple of hours. I counted it exactly. What differences registered? I told myself that I have 'forever' - but only if I can keep contact with friends/people I don't know like I know my family - because friends tend to keep track of progress, like I inevitably do with gaming pursuits.

My destiny can't be aggression towards the majority of people, but nor can it be pure submission. Furthermore, keeping my mind on a permanently delicate balance is also intolerable. In the meantime, I figured I'd aim to 'pretend' less. Que sera, sera - but of course, today was an unplanned day, and not every day will I achieve so much in the morning that I beg on hands and knees for boredom to alleviate in the afternoon. I guess I'll probably see y'all tomorrow if nothing else happens. Peace, ~ Matt

Thursday midday, day 0:

So I've had a good few sing-alongs to screen-clicking. I was able to put the game client on a bigger screen with the same detail as normal (a new 'renderer'). The first interaction I had was this morning, when someone told me right away how 'close to completion' my profile was, as if I didn't know from all the hours spent. I took my time over responding to that, and countered with, 'Do you have any 'solo' goals?' He was horribly specific (I said so, too), clearly locked/honed in on the objective, in theory. That's all the game has ever been - theory. 

But you know, my best memories online and offline were as a 'free' player (no payments). The remaining guilt over not constantly (though minimally) 'supporting' the game-makers probably comes from my semi-independent money management after moving away from home. They're releasing a new major activity this year, after agreeing to it 2 years ago, and I'm 90% sure that I don't want to be 'on top' of it, even in the beginning.

I simply want to continue to feel sane, and I recognise 'the high' that has only historically come for 1-3 days after a significant/intentional break from game-play. I was able to stay positive for an appointment today, but the two of us should have perhaps grounded ourselves more realistically, if I'm right that that's the case.

As a second want - simply the acceptance and encouragement to give any beneficial offline activities a try. Again, there was nothing really wrong with the two jobs the person and I discussed - I wanted to feel listened to, and he wanted his own efforts to be recognised. Should I not just accept that that is the extent of our relationship? I think he does. Maybe because my 'free' gaming activities tended to involve a LOT of danger-zone exploration/PvP, my senses/worries have been heightened long-term. I know now that that's basically just a ticket to mania.

It's not like I won't tell y'all if polishing away at game profiles isn't going to work - that is, unless 'no one cares' - but no one ever caught me using that one in a problem-scenario, I'm pretty sure. Want #3, community-maintenance. I don't know how many times I can successfully put a foot down on anything, but if it yields good results..

See you soon. ~ Matt

early Friday morning: day 0

It seems inevitable; an eventual personal rage in the face of sheer failure to listen, understand and accept my position, that would lead to my full, financially and emotionally-unsupported exposure to 'the real world'. Yes, there is probably negativity bias at work, and case-in-point, acknowledging that truth feels good - but the 'issue' of me 'staying where I am' (literally and figuratively) couldn't be left well-enough alone by my Dad at dinner. People don't seem to understand that (only my?) self-control applies to considering both positive and negative outcomes. And never mind 'the journey', which I don't want to have right now/have already had plenty of in the first third of my life. 

Gaming deadens one part of me, while abstinence deadens another. After being through relatively a lot, I don't want to compromise any part of the whole. People respect/understand the whole (as long as I don't mention the long-held standards of living that I shift aside to remain so).

I don't know what to do but to follow my own process. The last few night's dreams were very realistic and telling, for me. Old friends/acquaintances, new places and skills - things I'm told to want but only really wish to entertain as long as I'm in said company. Maybe it's stupid to say, but my Dad really acts as though he's constantly losing at a frustrating computer game, and his life-force depends on nothing slipping by him, AND eventually winning. Did I imitate this? One would at some point think that even the slightest self-awareness/knowledge of the effect of frustration, on attempts to maintain social cohesion, would lead to some introspection/reigning in, but.. maybe not.

I should live my own life, and hold onto what I've learned.

Gratitude:

~ The restaurant that 3 of us revisited outdid itself well (should leave a glowing review)

~ Coming here basically first-thing to follow the process (gratitude, and vent some)

~ ^ After some talking last night, I need to hash out a professional diet plan, most likely - some discomfort (and maybe a ton) may be linked to minor food intolerances

~ Again, it used to be a joke, but is now deadly serious. Loving, not fighting. Forget ASPD.

Saturday: Intermission

My all-time favourite gaming video featured a last-gaming-session message, 'Brb, going to get some orange juice.' The music matched perfectly, like his entire gaming history was planned and finally executed.

Today, I said the same thing, after the past 3 days, working myself up to what approximated socialising on my problem game. I got my fix, but at the expense of 3 days, weighted to a week's forgone progress.

What I learned was that the players remaining either truly don't have a problem, or are so completely blinded/don't care anymore; not one jot. The most reliable player I met/watched simply said that I had interesting thoughts. I had explained my problems in its instant-messaging chat box, deftly, but I knew - and stated - that posting here gave me a ton of practice.

I have become very easily disappointed, and I don't know what to do about that, short of making stabbing jokes at everybody's expense. I would rather be a semi-wise, psychological-f******-nomad, and read my books and try to exercise my writing hand, to accompany the rest of my body.

There isn't much more to say today, except maybe a quote that made me reflect again - 'He who fights with monsters..'

You should count on my medicated-meditation-dedication, but perhaps not a day tally. I simply don't want to think about any more gaming scenarios, and may just pick up a pen instead for when I imagine very poor real-world scenarios.

That's all. Peace, ~ Matt

P.S. - Read better books, y'all.

 

Got any book recs? 

On 8/3/2025 at 5:15 PM, Cam Adair said:

Got any book recs? 

I read once that science is about first determining what is not the truth/right hypothesis - so I say, whichever books don't seem to encourage deliberately diminishing the confidence/agency/self-worth of others (like overly-competitive exercise, or egregious social manipulation). You could say that even in Harry Potter, our man grows into a vendetta against Voldemort, but in the story, Voldemort turns even his victims into a kind of life currency (horcruxes); not good. 

Anyway, we've all probably read about game mechanics being designed to hook us, but may have forgotten specific examples - I have one. -> Accepting that twenty-eight items are able to be 'held' + a global average of 9-10 items obtained per object-depletion = tension over whether the last object will yield enough items to 'fill' the 'inventory', or stop just short of doing so = renewed determination to reduce the tension (by repeating the process with more experience points). Since last week, I steadily began to exceed that average, but it still happened even up until today. 

I hate that gameboy, nintendo, playstation, xbox and computer games often enough seemed to prove more reliable and rewarding than the offline world. I've still been typing at a keyboard, but maybe I would have been proud of working at a typewriter back in the days that I don't have real experience of.

A fellow player who maintained presence but less focus 'dipped' out of his slightly lesser 'goal' today early, and I didn't realise how much social benefit I was getting by sharing the screen with them. I typed there, instead of here - I guess it's just the pleasure of being in (any) momentary pursuit together. There have only been idealised time constraints on my pursuits, but as with the aforementioned 'hook', the desire to beat a record is always there. It's just that it's sedentary and only 'challenging' as long as I mix up my music playlist alongside play.

Thanks for extricating the forums from clothing sales. 🙂 I personally still have to google 'gamequitter forum' and click the direct link in the search results to get here though. Peace, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ A second sunny day to enjoy after yesterday's list of tasks (self-care, etc) before another week of rain is to come

~ Water

~ Being able to recline in certain clothes and not slip out of the chair (privilege issue)

~ Fortunate music shuffles

 

 

Sunday morning: Update

If instead of being next to a township, I was next to a large field of guaranteed-safe-to-eat blueberries, you could bet I'd be out there first thing to pick them (just a few), and see if there were any small changes that I could see on the landscape. As it happens, the town is holding an event, and I haven't heard any kerfuffle at all except for a few cars (I'm not even sure if a license is worthwhile for me) and the smell of a bakery. These still suggest a collection of people remaining busy on the weekend (though I suspect now on these Winter weekends, many of whom simply don't know what to do with themselves except walk around and try to shop while looking surly).

I used to not wait for anything (except a 'good' (as if I shouldn't have announced the giving up of that one role-playing game the first time that I got truly downhearted on it) point to take a break from the computer) once I felt physical energy/trace amounts of aggression stirring, and would head out for a jog - or later on, the gym. I remember incline bench pressing 60kg/130lbs without a warm-up one night (teenagers can get away with that, apparently, with some stretch reflex), running the short 5-10 minutes uphill to get there, with music in my ears (I can't remember if I took it out upon arrival). They were uncomplicated times.

Yesterday afternoon, I pre-designated one of those primitive 'good' points in time, and comfortably prepared my bag in record efficiency. I knew exactly what I wanted to do, with possible extras. Perhaps my plan's undoing was the occasionally repeated mantra of 'if you receive a 'bad omen' (as if I wouldn't start looking around to check for them once I entertained the thought), you don't have to do anything except walk to that favourite gym, and then turn back around' - because I'm not at the stage of working the room into an exercise-furore and remaining able to execute sets with good technique at the same time. I imagine each person wondering who I think that I am, while still maintaining an eager facade - even when I myself would welcome that behaviour from almost anyone else. I did turn around; it was a nice walk though, after getting over the note of panic that came from a mental reminder that no one knew I was there, and I didn't know anyone else who was going to be there - also knowing where I had left my game's 'progress'. That brings me to the important business. ->

-> I spent a total of 10 days (prior to this morning) of 'free' time completing the second-last activity on a/the game. Maybe I should also say 'the' game, because any electronic game is going to have 'optional' level/statistic grinds available, and would feel almost the same. For some reason (as an exception?), I tried thinking of 'frogger' - one which stupidly came as an attachment to a book/stationery kit at the old library. For some reason, I think I would now consider yelling at whoever's idea that was. -> That 10 days, after a night without thinking about them, looks like an eternity of (wasted/spent in 'the void') time from the other side. Going through this year's event in town in its entirety has felt similar in the past, except for all of the real, physically-present people. It is/was significant that I completed the game activity yesterday so that I could sit here and listen to the outdoor sounds this morning.

I'll break the ambiguousness now by saying that the last 'activity' remaining to the aforementioned game profile involves 'catching' fish - that is, clicking once and waiting for 2D depictions of them to appear on the screen. The only things that interest me are the timing and the music/conversations that could play out, as random as they are (I shuffle my music library very frequently). In the past, I have tried to watch videos/read compelling articles at the same time, because it is a near-braindead activity. But last night, though it doesn't always keep negative thoughts at bay, I did realise that one of the few effective/efficient escapes available to me are, of course, physical books - fiction, where the writer(s) clearly 'get on a roll', and I join them for the ride once I pick it/them up. However, by the time I'd declared everything else for the evening/night (news applications on the phone, majorly) as 'cheap rubbish' for my brain, I'd re-installed solitaire for 2 minutes and fallen asleep. I also failed 'Connections' spectacularly, but nailed 'Wordle' for the third day running. Compared to the RPG activity, and the fact that I tried them in the middle of the night for a moment, that was nothing for my mood. 

____________

So, I'm proud that I didn't really rant in this post, but I'd still like someone's permission before I accidentally proceed to advertise aspects of problem games in future posts. Apparently, the one I spent the last 10 days (and years) playing has reported increased player numbers. I may have noticed, and I can at least say that this is not what I wanted for the large percentage of the community that may always seem to find a new challenge in it, before thinking of any good that can be done offline. I know what it is like to be one of them. 

____________

Gratitude:

~ Not getting physically sick again, except once after too many oats this week (quick regurgitation 😕). Oddly, they may be a type of energy/food that my body frequently rejects nowadays; a pity. 

~ Freshly changed bedsheets (though thinner for Winter)

~ A good Friday with my new buddy

~ A medium (small for me) umbrella that held its own against heavy rain yesterday

Peace, and good (life) luck all. 

~ Matt

 

 

Monday afternoon:

A good portion of the time, people can talk to me (or at me) and not be bothered by my not completely keeping eye contact, as long as it looks like I'm thinking/listening in mostly silence. Not quite so with Wheatbiscuit Senior. My earliest memories of his attempts to impart knowledge and wisdom unto me were punctuated by casually-commanding 'listen to me, now' utterances - almost reprimands. I understood that was the situation, but I had to look away to think about how the new knowledge would fit in to my world - aside from hoping to convey a wish that it could be forestalled just a little longer for me to continue play (real, offline child's play).

I never entirely kicked the habit. Just now, it seemed to make him nervous, especially as I probably looked/sounded dull over the phone before meeting him. The point is, that significant recurring behaviour of mine is soon forgotten for many other things. You guys also might know that when under any persistent stress, those reprimands become what perhaps my brother and I alone consider overly forceful demands to remedy the situations of our parent(s). This, I have read, could be called 'parentification'. 

Back in the day, we got by on books and immediate family for a living. Soon, I began to discover that people were asking me more and more frequently whether I 'lived under a rock'. Sometimes I meagrely admitted such - other times, I felt just plain bad. So I used the internet; I picked up trends, and I stuck with the same online role-playing game for 20 years - ours used to be popular. 

Books could have been the entire world for my parents' self-improvement and learning. It may have been urgent and natural to stay glued to and understand a textbook all through the night and day, except for sport/work. Until I'd read Harry Potter more than twice, that's how I felt too. Fast forward 4 years since 'The Deathly Hallows', and I couldn't take joy or much understanding from a school-assigned novel, Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein'. I don't quite remember now, but I definitely went over the book a second time (the first reading was supposed to be completed over Summer holidays - fat chance with me).

You might know how it goes; man creates, creation feels alone, creature demands female companion-creature, man (still horrified at what he has done) refuses, creature takes revenge on man's family, and man in turn is lowered to revenge against his own creation. Don't ask me why I had to go over that. 

Today's problem is - do I chase behind the progress of those who seem 'less-afflicted' than me, but whom also quite simply haven't got dark frames of mind readily available in theirs as I do? Do I choose to talk a whole lot of sh** again, and instead of backing myself up, this time apologise when I think I've gone too far, before I'm even asked?

Maybe I would, but for sedative medication, and the (recent - 3 years now) general sensitivity to what is allowed to take new roots psychologically/emotionally in my head. I'm telling you, there is too much to scroll through even if we don't block it and everything else out, by gaming. Hmph. Should be seeing y'all near this time tomorrow.

Peace, ~ Matt

Gratitude:

~ Two new pieces of eccentric-ish clothing

~ Read a short way into a new fiction novel - medieval, like my problem-RPG - yummy

~ New cracker and walnut combo

~ All else aside, a somewhat fast month (since last therapy session for tomorrow)

Edited August 11Aug 11 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

Tuesday afternoon:

I've realised part of what has made me want to game, post-90-day-detox - seeing my posts here, and elsewhere, become unstructured or much less coherent. It is like seeing my consciousness unravel, even when abstaining from electronic play. 

I could make it seem easier, by playing music as I type whatever comes to mind, and hope for the best. But that would probably put reflection, and maybe even information accuracy at stake. - On the MMORPG, either my reward system being 'lit up' to type very eloquently is taking place, or people simply automatically understand my context/don't really care. 

I realised too, again, that every choice not to sign in to electronic games is like building (or rebuilding) social skills/energy reserves. It's just that offline, if I forget how to be 'excellent' for even a moment, I lose significant credibility. I've not usually been one to label a thousand things as 'harsh' each day, but maybe they are. 

-> The therapy session today went sort of well. We did a bit of a review, then I owned up to the large amount of misinterpretation I did with my Dad yesterday, whilst signed in and playing overwhelmingly positive music to drown everything out. I could ride this new wave of offline mindfulness into the long-term, risking getting lost in numerous new and existing social ties for the good of the world, or settle back in to my own. 

It's probably better for me and others, in terms of results, when I explain how 'I was just reading before you called/texted, are you okay?' instead of 'Dude, this boss monster just dropped the best loot. What's going on?'

Maybe the problem there is that I've pretty much been doing neither. 😛 

_________

Gratitude:

~ A successful journey to therapy and back (though one wayward traveller briefly ranted in my direction)

~ Beat some anxiety first thing in the morning to buy medication and groceries, and admire the sunrise (a definite feeling)

~ Despite my flat expressions, I remembered in the moment to bring some news and mail outside with me to pass on (is that something to get used to?)

~ Seeing some happy couples on the way home *shrug* 

See you tomorrow. ~ Matt

Early Wednesday morning:

I've got a short overview of things before beginning to type freely:

'Curiosity is not at peak in my early mornings. Reading the news can really stink at any time, but especially at the start of a new day. Habit or last resort has seen me continually fix a cup of tea and sign in to electronic play instead.' 

I hoped that @Amphibian220 would be proud of that one. 

What do people do when they wake up too early (think 3-4am), and are inclined to a bit of mindless action, before the offline world opens/wakes up?

Although, there is another special event on today that I was excited about, which might partially explain my waking up time. That, and deciding to nap at 3-4pm in the afternoon, jerking awake at 6pm to make sure I was medicated for the night, after realising nothing else was going to happen yesterday evening. So really, 6pm-3am. 9 hours sounds great, until that range is expressed. 

It's still a bit early, and there are still offline things I can do (including sleep until sunrise), so I'll probably update later.

___________

Afternoon update:

Does anyone remember Harry Potter's 'Mirror of Erised?' The happiest man in the world would look into it and see himself exactly as he is. However, the mirror yields neither knowledge, nor truth. That is what putting myself to the task of experience point gains and listening to old music is like doing - staring into such a mirror. But what is the universally-accepted knowledge or truth that I should seek? Statistics? Wisdom against boredom? (a head-start there). I mean, anyone in basic health is capable of achieving anything. @Ikar mentioned that. 

What I've arrived at a few times, and somewhat brushed off, is that often times, people don't really mind others' sentence structures when they speak (though I know it can be a comfort), as long as they know that there is a mutual understanding that both/all parties feel and think that they are OK/generally well. I keep looking for meaning where it often less than fruitful, because investing effort in my own real-world pursuits (of knowledge and/or truth) is risky for the time that I decide to spend in addition to that effort. 

Today I noticed how easily I spoke with my Dad after being straightforward over text in meeting him. On my MMORPG, it's as though many people including myself have steadily mocked such clarity into meaninglessness. Why did we ever do that? Most of the adult information recall I have is whether I or others seemed OK or not. Sure, I'm fairly sensitive by default, but for better or worse, people almost know when I'm holding back 'the goods' (effort, healthy emotion, the seizing of beneficial opportunities), and all of the courtesy in the world that I choose to show doesn't stop that. I might amend this, as it is a song lyric, but 'Every man must be what his life can be.' - Midnight Oil's 'One Country'. I guess I just want to be as smart about my life as I am determined, as I try to order my life.

The 'easy ride' that sedentary, electronic gaming is, somehow we really aren't satisfied with or able to moderate it to 30 minutes/1-2 hours - and even when we could, such available amounts of gratification always play on the mind. I've tried identifying my being as serious, sincere, a 'non-gamer' who doesn't 'play games' of any sort (even socially, as one might do with strategic truths). That's still a bit difficult. Do I really have to adjust myself to a standard life plan (albeit of multiple learned others' devise) and learn the system(s) surrounding it? Do I really need an identifying job/role that I tell myself and others that I am? I know a few of 'the mental shortcuts', but somehow even the worst trolls on my MMORPG don't agree with them publicly (out of fear of criticism there?). 'The long way (home)' is still appreciated, even if Supertramp's great song makes me feel like gaming to it.

____________

Gratitude:

~ Having just enough self-reasoning ability to get through the after-odd hours of sleep I got today

~ The yet-to-be-conquered fiction novel I started reading hasn't been laughing at me too hard, but it still might try

~ A small occasional amount of sugar in tea

~ I'm going to try some positive creativity tomorrow morning if I wake up craving. There are a few options, including colouring-in, but that can get feverish - like anything self-directed that I do. We'll see.

Peace all, ~ Matt

 

Edited August 13Aug 13 by wheatbiscuit
afternoon update

@wheatbiscuit

I am reading GQ journals as a distraction. I feel better from communicating with people that make a change for the better. I don't think anyone should play video games that take up a significant amount of time or attention.

Work can be just as damaging as addictive video games if it creates an obsession and causes a person to lose track of his health.

Friday morning:

It's incredible how much perceived symptomatic withdrawal there's been this week. I think that's because I 'found new patience' for a particular gaming activity or two, and impressed myself for hanging onto them as goals. There was also some enjoyment in making those micro-decisions at the same time as playing music that I've liked. 

There has been anxiety in both spheres now; have I forgotten enough of the other (paid to play) gaming activities, in addition to offline, real-world strategies to get by, simultaneously? 

Disturbingly or not, I thought that I'd 'said it all' in the last journal post here, but I realise at least that that can't be the case, because I need to read new information in the news/books, and summarise them in conversation. 

Definitely, it would have helped if I'd stored away a bit more information to process as I travelled to and worked out at the gym yesterday; simple spatial awareness and obeying traffic signals didn't seem like enough psychological reason to be out, mainly taking care of my own immediate needs. 

It's just been another speed bump, perhaps, and I will do well to remember how much attention has been channelled at such a small part of my world. 

_________

Gratitude:

~ Left enough milk to add to tea this morning

~ Read a little bit more of the new novel, and again reminded myself how well I already know Harry Potter

~ Somehow casually, others and I agreed to have some building measurements taken at short notice

~ Restful sleep return - maybe the same shall be said of general motivation soon, as well

Happy Friday all, ~ Matt