2nd Journal

[wheatbiscuit]

It's probably the right thing to do, acknowledging how I deleted my last journal. In my weird world, it would mean progress to me if someone else had deleted their own whilst upset - especially if upset with me. I would recognise the confusing feelings because I had them as well. It didn't help at the time that I had read twice the story of a depressed writer who saw his throwing away of his journal as a grievous act of self-destruction. I got over it because I've been in worse pain.

Anyway, my first wish is to change the feeling (or if correct (here online, specifically), the fact) that things are generally not improving in my day to day experience of life. The second is simply that I would prefer perhaps gentle teasing from everybody with regard to my RPG habits - instead of, say, all-out assault. This is because I truly don't grasp how bad or good my habits are. Maybe to re-state, I already have 2 disorders to deal with - not including gaming - and no matter how I spend my time, I end up blind to some or many things. It could help on this forum if the 'keener eyes' remembered that about me.

That said, I would love to be able to get lost in healthy discussion here if it didn't mean argumentativeness would appear in face to face or intimate texting settings involving me. Part of the reason I decided to type again is because ruminative anger was getting stuck in place and I wanted to prove to myself that I probably wouldn't actually say or do anything angry if I ordered my thoughts at home on the keyboard some more. I also mostly felt trapped following discussions whilst scrolling my phone - how could my smart little tablet carry over to me so much distress? So yes, I believed in one moment at least that things were slipping.

On any given day, one could even ask what I 'did' at play on my computer, and I would outline it - likely shame-facedly as well - because I know what is consequential for most, but for me, it's hard to predict. *I lasted 2 weeks with a medication adjustment recently and resumed that one subtracted pill so that I could at least feel order. That is one thing we could share still. Post away, post away, + PMs welcome. ❤️ 

~ Matt

[Ikar]

3 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Anyway, my first wish is to change the feeling (or if correct (here online, specifically), the fact) that things are generally not improving in my day to day experience of life. The second is simply that I would prefer perhaps gentle teasing from everybody with regard to my RPG habits - instead of, say, all-out assault. This is because I truly don't grasp how bad or good my habits are. Maybe to re-state, I already have 2 disorders to deal with - not including gaming - and no matter how I spend my time, I end up blind to some or many things. It could help on this forum if the 'keener eyes' remembered that about me.

I can share what works for me, but always remember you're the boss of you. I think the first thing of importance is to become independent. How is the job hunt for you looking?

[Kam]

Welcome back Matt! I never read your last journal, but good to have you here again

[wheatbiscuit]

Jan 31

Today was a well-ish-tasked day: I went to my GP, psychologist and workwear store for pants I intend always to fit into. I bought some again-healthy-ish granola which is harder to measure/force down like I do with wheat biscuits and quick oats, so hopefully I'll be sensible the one or two times a day I eat it. 

The only time I pressured myself to game was for an hour admittedly, because I thought I noticed a relevant feature, which ended up disappointing me. I dodged a nap and might be just a little closer to stable feelings around meds. I still have the memory and vibes of those two recent weeks though. 

21 hours ago, Ikar said:

I can share what works for me, but always remember you're the boss of you. I think the first thing of importance is to become independent. How is the job hunt for you looking?

Independence as a feeling is something I've always sort of gone for, but in actuality is complex. I solo discount rent from family, and actually have worked a casual dozen or two full days total since the end of last year. The meds situation kept me from joining them for a couple of shifts, and stunningly my dad tried to call that the end of the position. I'd love to completely ignore that, but easier said than done. In order to achieve independence, both my condition and boundaries need work. Because of game chats, I'm honestly an efficient back-biter, but that's not what I want for any extended period. I could continue a cycle of withdrawing-then-fixing ties with everyone I value, or resume some long, explanatory-but-civil texts which just don't seem to get much across in the end - or start doing and saying what would seem out of character for me but actually isn't; the internet-using me. It had reign after high school, and was basically trouble. Above all, I don't want what I experience as trouble with practically everyone simply for independence. *shrug* 

Edited January 31 by wheatbiscuit
detail

[Ikar]

3 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

Independence as a feeling is something I've always sort of gone for, but in actuality is complex. I solo discount rent from family, and actually have worked a casual dozen or two full days total since the end of last year. The meds situation kept me from joining them for a couple of shifts, and stunningly my dad tried to call that the end of the position. I'd love to completely ignore that, but easier said than done. In order to achieve independence, both my condition and boundaries need work. Because of game chats, I'm honestly an efficient back-biter, but that's not what I want for any extended period. I could continue a cycle of withdrawing-then-fixing ties with everyone I value, or resume some long, explanatory-but-civil texts which just don't seem to get much across in the end - or start doing and saying what would seem out of character for me but actually isn't; the internet-using me. It had reign after high school, and was basically trouble. Above all, I don't want what I experience as trouble with practically everyone simply for independence. *shrug* 

Even part-time work is good. I've been self-employed for a few years. I took up more work quite naturally as I grew more efficient with using my time and got into basic habits. Hope the meds situation gets better.

Honestly, it's possible that there are people in your life who try to usurp your independence (and boundaries). Ironically, when I was quitting, I think the fact I didn't know a lot of people and had really just a few connections helped me in fact. I didn't have to renegotiate so many relationships. I had more conflicts with my father after I quit gaming, rather than before. Parents in particular will still see you as their child if they pay for any of your needs. I think it's always a good idea to break that "financial" parental umbilical cord using any means necessary, apart from crime 😄 

[wheatbiscuit]

An update:

I've made some progress - abstaining through staying still and silent, whilst trying to watch visualisations of me interacting with my previous game 'float by like leaves on a river of thoughts', or however that's meant to go. I started to become bored with in-game goals and haven't resumed any play on it in about a month.

I've been reading and even typing some fiction during the day, but that's mostly to relax and indulge (my imagination) rather than to escape. 

Oddly enough, about half of the time I've thought about treating life like a constant battle (against *insert 'waste' of time/energy here*) lately, I remember how 'back in the day', there was a group of people I knew who mostly liked to play our previous game 'honourably', and that I could count on a few people to playfully battle me. 

That may have been a cop-out in a way, because while I stayed engaged and outside of my head with them, I didn't draw a whole lot of strength from within at that time. I may have thought and acted quickly as a general habit, but was slow on the uptake in important social skills.

~~~

I think I've improved a lot in quietly reasoning myself into positive action, but I'll probably need to try adjusting medication again this year - after finding a little more work. 

Re @Ikar's last reply - if one were to ignore old/changing habits of doing whatever feels like a good idea at the time, I know my willpower functions fine if I know what actually is a great idea. I don't know if I can manage absolutely everything in my life yet without at least asking for some input from people in my life - who occasionally overstep into it perhaps only out of enthusiasm for their own ideas. I usually perceive enough people stamping out enthusiasm, possibly not even in the name of healthy independence.

Before I lose track, I want to express some gratitude as a usual list:

~ Witnessing some important life events for members of my family

~ Being able to take some issues a little more seriously

~ A few decent visits to the beach in good weather (I've retried a pair of good sunglasses now)

~ Having the wherewithal to pull up from some unhelpful thought discussions

To Sunday. 

[Yan]

18 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

I started to become bored with in-game goals and haven't resumed any play on it in about a month.

bro fist

 

18 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

I think I've improved a lot in quietly reasoning myself into positive action

that is also amazing
 

 

18 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

but I'll probably need to try adjusting medication again this year - after finding a little more work. 

As a rule of thumb, I use medication as a last resort. Probably would have to be dying, so I od not support that. Again "as a rule of thumb", because I have not a clue about anything regarding your situation [ I believe you're not dying though probably... Even though I might be wrong.... Am I? ] 

[wheatbiscuit]

2 hours ago, Yan said:

bro fist

that is also amazing

As a rule of thumb, I use medication as a last resort. Probably would have to be dying, so I od not support that. Again "as a rule of thumb", because I have not a clue about anything regarding your situation [ I believe you're not dying though probably... Even though I might be wrong.... Am I? ] 

You're not wrong at all - unless that's an existential question. Let's just say that pre-medication, I often didn't calm down for weeks at a time, gaming making its contribution of course. I was far from incapable of chilling out though.

One time, when I looked in on my brother and a peer (I never knew what to call his flock back then), I refused to immediately tell them that 'I know what you're talking about' to their own vague ramblings. Now here I am medicated, still with trust in our health system - yet refusing to give up what I have left inside - rambling in a similar way. But I don't demand that you guys understand my whole experience in a few utterances.

What they might have had the balls to say was 'my soul is in peril/dying in some way(s)', like I feel now - when I try to 'get back to normal' after (or during) something either good or bad that tips my balance. That normal is like lifeblood. 

To me; heavy lifting is normal, mindfulness (which some people call 'overthinking') is normal, and reading relatable fiction is normal. Anything else, like paid work, and issues of fairness or disregard is serious to me, and when someone 'f***s' something like that 'off', I am greatly pained; I open my mental toolbox and in between the restorative tools is a glowing, angry wrench that cries for release. 

What I could mean is that my life is full of perceived 'red flags', and when someone like my Dad, or OG Yan says 'stop focusing on the past' or 'watch your thoughts', I think of saying 'that's basically all I've got/all I do' - so forgive what amounts to a 0.1% slip-up - as long as I don't start prioritising games again. - Per favore.

Thanks for the 1-month bump man.

 

[wheatbiscuit]

I was thinking about something on my previous game that I didn't like: measuring ''boss' 'kills per hour''.

To me, there was a lot of detail in those bosses's bodies and faces, and a player engaging with them (and their 'minions's') and their coding had to pay attention to a lot of numbers and movements at once. 'Bossing' was also a big deal for me, as I preferred the monotony of easier encounters with monsters - finding pleasure in conversations and new music outside of the game.

For example, around a year ago I attached myself to what began as a three-week task of a dozen or two boss fights each morning, then leaving the first profile 'geared' for the following day as I signed into another - for that monotony. 

None of that made offline life any easier - though at that time I remember it sort of being so - but I thought I was being smart with what playtime I could 'manage'. That smart/knowing what I could handle feeling is better than any kind of game with rigid timing and rules. One could even say that adding posts like these, full of uncertainty - to my shame - to this second journal is not quite smart at all. 

I think I've attached a meme that looked funny enough for me to save several years ago that sums up what I didn't like hearing in a video guide for the previous game - I mean, what more is left to want, at play, once it has been ascertained that you can smash a boss 30 times in an hour, online or offline (at work). What challenge is there left, if you ignore and don't appreciate little details?

I've just been listening to birds and other noises on the street outside as I read/type, and trying to feel at peace with them, but it's tough when I think I've done everything I can for my health already in the past. Sometimes, I even find having a healthy, distracting thought like 'maybe I could wear the laziest-feeling muscle group in my body down some more soon' when there are minor imperfections going on everywhere. Needs: Temporary Escape (N), Constant Measurable Progress (Y), Challenges (Maybe), Social Connection (I don't even know). 

How much should I rely on constant measurable progress? I rarely ever set a time limit on these posts; they're for 'lost' moments mainly. Low-empathy(?), teenaged me could have timed jogging around my formerly-reliable walking route and tried to beat that time while dodging and scarcely paying attention to anybody else, but I can't. *Shrug*

 

[Yan]

On 3/10/2025 at 1:34 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

so forgive what amounts to a 0.1% slip-up - as long as I don't start prioritising games again. - Per favore.

Thanks for the 1-month bump man.

 

Are you saying that the thought of increasing medication was a moment of weakness and that it was just a thought, but it's okay so long as you don't go through with it?
Or that taking it up to begin with was a moment of weakness, and you shouldn't have done so and you should stop?

Or that whether in the past or now, it's okay to take it so long as you don't start prioritizing gaming?

In any case, appreciate your "OG" reference. You had me smiling with that term. Both because I appreciate your gratefulness and it makes me feel like I might have done something right, and because this is a corny term 🙂 


Keep it up man.

[wheatbiscuit]

7 hours ago, Yan said:

Are you saying that the thought of increasing medication was a moment of weakness and that it was just a thought, but it's okay so long as you don't go through with it?
Or that taking it up to begin with was a moment of weakness, and you shouldn't have done so and you should stop?

I never outright asked to be medicated. I agreed to it starting around a decade ago when people inside and outside of the family (finally) started showing concern. I would now have to be desperate to increase what I take, like I had become back then. I mean, today I was pretty sure that someone was about to walk past me on the popular trail, decided I looked funny and kicked something in my direction dramatically. I dismissed that with one or two thoughts without reaction. Back then was way worse for control issues.

A former game-buddy that I used to mention told me that 'drugs are never the answer' and that getting off of my medication should be my 'first step' to being healthy/happy/satisfied/whatever he thought I meant. His ideals were mainly in the first half of the 1900s though. I did my best to keep up and still inform him of how things were for me, but we never reached the point of saying 'let's really slow down and talk things through', you know? - As a side note, he also told me that all of my 'interests' were in fact 'hobbies', and I picked away at the past for awhile before saying that I was interested in close human relationships, shortly before I was deemed 'too incoherent' and his needing a break from me or something. I blocked him instead of trying to argue on that.

Don't think it has left my mind, but medication has pretty much stopped me from trying to break things whenever I saw 'fit' to. 😐

But hey, maybe I shouldn't have minded all of the people trying to force me to be more like their kind of 'man'. Maybe even at my size, I should be throwing my hands over shoulders and spending minutes of every first introduction trying to size people up. I'd sooner forget all of the arguing I used to do to try and get people onto my wavelength, which I did in order avoid those primitive minutes. I'd be okay with being a 'nobody' forever, but 'doing my thing' for longer and longer on games would basically make me appreciate less what I do have offline. Hence, this and my other habits.

Edited March 12 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Last night, undead bears at an aquarium zoo on a school field trip featured in one dream. Riddle that one out!

Assuming real problems with NPD, have I discovered that responsibility is one thing that we cannot simply 'project'? It is the most right words and actions, is it not? My own first real values search almost singularly add up to valuing 'process', I think. 

That said, having only two real values wouldn't really stop one's actual personality coming through to fill blank spaces in situations (expression/sensations/advice taken to heart, in place of other words). That could be three, people!

Story/summary time: I wanted to avoid sinking too deep into re-reading fiction this morning because I've both thought and dreamt about a new potential travel route to the good but distant gym for many days now.

^ Edit: I didn't get very far at all that first venture out. I started thinking about what I was doing it for - just the thrill of re-awakening the movement patterns and muscle groups, mostly. I thought about the messes I'd left at home, the resumes I haven't handed out after a week of printing them, and who would even benefit from my 2-3 hours spent. I know that future me would be stronger - enough to help others perform physical tasks, but with the new mode of transport, that wasn't front of mind. 

The potential perfect kitchen to work in could even be on my or the next local street, but I fear it impinging on my self-given right to 'work behind the scenes' if anyone wants to me to 'show off' in whatever way. I can barely help that; what with preferring to think through the movements of people around me who are happy to things without such analysis, and fancying myself only 'emergency-ready'. I would like to see those things change, but I almost don't believe that I could make myself uncomfortable enough in the short term to achieve significant results - not without swearing, posturing and challenging so many people and things along the way. I've seen people begin only to 'shine' in very confronting situations, and it was often sad and ugly. I kind of wish everybody was the same size/stature often times. So I'll clean, and stuff - maybe go out again.

Gratitude:

~ Not getting poured rain on

~ Kind of knowing when vigorous texting on the phone is a bad idea

~ Recognising that I had a real problem with attempts to 'dress up' already-bad news entertainingly and setting it aside

~ Idk if this counts, but acknowledging 'the journey' again when the thought of one of my previous game's many inconvenient addictive aspects was my first waking thought

Edited March 13 by wheatbiscuit
update

[wheatbiscuit]

Guys, I mean, if it's really 'YOLO', and the best way to recreate slightly more mature versions of 'shared play in the sandpit' is on instant-messaging RPGs for people born the way I was, then what am I really doing here that's ultimately effective? I really do remember almost as much in my first few years as say, ages 5 to 7.

Somehow, just somehow, when I was younger, I was able to adapt to situations in ways that adults excused, on the way to completing school. Now, I face a really large dilemma. I need to f*** around in ways that allow me to do healthy, shared reflection, yet stop myself from being reeled in by game-programmed rewards. 

I see in today, aside from a few differences, that my duty to myself is to while away daylight hours in massive reflection, regardless of whether I do it here or elsewhere, during benign activities that eventually run out in my private space, like personal hygiene, cleaning, reading, etc. 

Small case-in-point: I just made three slices of toast with canned fish, solving and thinking of a small problem along the way. But now that I've taken my plate out of the kitchen, I wish there was activity and discussion taking place 'around' me. Is this clear yet?

Will be unlikely to be encouraged unless this makes sense to someone without prompting 100 leading questions. 😕 

Edited March 13 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Right, so I understand. Electronic gaming is wrong, as it:

1) Makes me take leave of my senses

2) Leads to false confidence

3) Causes time to pass in an unfulfilling manner

Today was tough because it was almost entirely run by me. I haven't yet broken into an offline 'tribe' that feels safe and sane. I also felt more excitement than fear when I tried to start the day as per one plan, but it was outnumbered by several others that were neglected. I am afraid of becoming 'too much' for people to deal with. Even walking out of my door, it turned out, was poorly timed. I faced a surly, older male, whose message I interpreted as 'You'd better be about to have a good day, starting an hour or two later than 8 or 9am, with your hat and backpack, or else.' I mean, why? Why, world?

Thanks. Lol ~ Matt

[Amphibian220]

Yeah, I think I know what you mean. We have to put the effort to be grateful and hard working.

[wheatbiscuit]

On 3/14/2025 at 6:03 PM, Amphibian220 said:

Yeah, I think I know what you mean. We have to put the effort to be grateful and hard working.

Thanks Amph. That was basically my high school motto, and it was always at the back of my mind - until all the effort in the world wasn't good enough for important people in my life. Ah, don't I love bringing that up? 

_________

Update: I spent a week online after a weak 'good morning' of sorts from wheatbiscuit senior (yeah, disappointed there yet again). That felt different (and preceded) the last 3 days, when I tried to resume the 'ultimate level goal' again. It's so stupid, and only 20% of it is fun, I just get on a roll until it's too late to avoid the pain and regret afterward. Will try harder to order my life more, regardless.

_________

Today I had offline therapy, and that also came along quickly. I had a good vent/emptying-out, though on the walk home, I saw someone that I thought was either having sudden substance withdrawal pangs or was actually in natural, gut-wrenching emotional pain; you can't make up the expression that was on his face - and I couldn't approach him. Something didn't seem right. I stopped to look back, as I thought someone was going to talk to him, but no one really did. There was a compelling force and a mental image to sit down by the person, share their pain and maybe join in with some tears, but my feet wouldn't take me backward or fully stop. Not only that, but someone who'd had kind words for me who I would recognise anywhere walked by me a block afterward. E-games or no e-games, I keep avoiding growth opportunities like them. That's my real problem.

__________

Maybe there are lots of people who are safe and sane for me to be with and not have to overcompensate around. I just receive so many doubtful signals from within and out - anxiousness. There are patterns of reactions I'm often aware of, and as my Dad often explains, 'No good deed goes unpunished'. I suppose that's like saying 'Don't 'virtue-signal'/expect a rewarding feeling for doing good'. I should look harder, too, for avenues to just do good out of habit. Today's workout turned out positive, after a couple of mental and physical barriers. At the risk of IDing myself, I probably sweat the most in the place by a mile. I don't like that much - for mess and towelling off frequently - but there was pride in it.

Have at me for using that e-crutch some more, I guess. Peace out.

~ Wheat