Mindfully engaging with technology - "Things I must do every day to stay healthy"

[D_Cozy]

Hello everyone, I'm back after a long hiatus, ready to committing for a whole digital detox this time.

I've been feeling pretty down about how I perform at work, and how I've been feeling detached and out of the moment. Have been looking for advice and resources. Reading through this forum and the r/StopGaming sub has helped me a lot, I can relate to how it feels not being able to stop despite knowing the negative consequences that abusing my internet time is causing me.

Short background about me, I have ADHD, which has caused me to have low self-esteem, and makes me second guess starting tasks (procrastinate). While I have developed a lot of strategies to help that, it's still not at where I'd like to be, and I'm inconsistent. When I get at my worst, I turn to things that are easy and give me quick pleasures. A few years ago it was mobile games, which I did manage to cut out thankfully, but in retrospect I think I transferred a lot of bad habits to internet use; wasting large amounts of time watching youtube, scrolling through Discord convos, feeds on Reddit and Twitter (X), reading Wikipedia and the news, engaging in online conversations, and so on.

I want that to stop. It's just so easy to avoid the hard and challenging task I have at work, and instead waste several hours away distracted. I'm sick of losing precious work hours, I'm sick of staring at my phone and feeling this craving to get Reddit karma or check my notifications on wiki articles I'm watching. So sick of feeling hopeless because I can't start a work task that was assigned to me and waiting a week to get my shit together. So sick of feeling like I'm slow.

Note - this journal of mine went through some transformations. I've redefined my goals in posts that follow. In summary, I want to detox myself from compulsive social media behaviors, compulsive research behaviors, and specific types of games (mobile, social media games, and online competitive with randoms). You can read about my bottom lines and middle lines in more detail, from in my October 1st 2024 post (I am aware it is a mess, and I will format this at some point to make it more readable).

The format I am using is as follows, and it's what has helped me keep myself accountable. I'll post it here too, mainly to help me write my entries faster:

Quote

<day mm.dd>

<summary_of_prior_day_up_to_current_day>

Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy

• Sleep around 8h - <yes_or_if_not_plan_to_do_it_later_or_why_not>
• Stretch - </>
• Go for walks / Exercise - </>
• Drink Water - </>
• Wash face + body - </>
• Nutrition:
  • breakfast - </>
  • lunch - </>
  • dinner - </>
• Talk to my partner - </>
• Talk with my kids + play with them - </>
• Read a book - </>
• Meditate + deep breaths - </>
• Practice French - </>
• Journal (gratitude and reflection) - </>

<7_Habits>

I am reading Stephen R. Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and doing exercises with the companion workbook. This is the best book I've ever read on self-improvement. Even once I am done reading it, I will keep practicing and posting about my 7 Habits practice here.

Original post continues below.

My goal is to abstain from using passive screen time to not conflict with my workdays, Sunday evenings to Friday afternoons, so that I can be more present and aware, and reach my full productive potential.

What that includes:
* no social media at all during weekdays; including this forum. I will check only on weekends (Friday evenings to Sunday afternoons).
* no entertainment videos, except while working out on a treadmill
* no video games, except casual ones like Mario Party with family (kids, wife) & irl friends after work, and stop before 10pm (Fridays and Saturdays; before 11pm ideally)
* limit TV and movies to watching with kids and wife, and stop before 10pm (Fridays and Saturdays; before 11pm ideally)

And yeah, I know it's ironic that I'm posting this on a web forum. To be frank, this forum was also a source of abuse for me back when I tried to detox. Not the forums fault necessarily, I need to do better. But I also need to post this somewhere, so I can hold myself accountable. That said, I'm not going to be posting every day here again. But I will make sure I come back on weekends to post an update and engage for a bit.

I also know that this isn't exactly a game quitting post, but I don't know of any other communities that I can share this with. So hope it's okay that I detail my journey here. Or let me know if there's a similar support group for my case.

I am filling my time with a journey of self improvement, with things that include meditation, reading and journaling. I'm planning on talking about this with an ADHD coach that I've been seeing every Friday too. I think a good way to keep me accountable is to also post here on this forum; I know that it's not exactly a game quitting case I'm on here, more a digital one overall. So hope that is ok. I'm also going to be conscious of not overdoing it during weekends either, so I have an app in StayFree and extension in StayFocusd installed to help with managing that on my computer and desktop browsers respectively.

Posting this on a Monday, so I guess my journey officially starts now. I'm logging out and will check back in closer to the weekend.

Edited 6 hours ago by D_Cozy
change title to match my goal (ITAA), adding template and link to sobriety worksheet

[D_Cozy]

Hello all, I am back, clearly not a week later... I felt a bit nervous coming back, afraid that I may spiral on a posting spree again.

So since I made this topic, I've done a few things differently:

1. Remember how I asked about other communities that could fit my purpose better? Well...
   • I reached out to Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous; a support group for technology and internet addicts.
     • From their website:
     • Because technology is a part of our everyday lives, sobriety in ITAA is a process of discovery that looks different for each of us. As part of this process, we identify and abstain from the specific behaviors which trigger our addiction.
   • I also joined the r/internetaddiction sub on Reddit.
     • I fully believe now that admitting I have a problem is an amazing first step. I knew for a while but it helped me make a post there to fully cement it.
     • Felt ironic to join an internet support group to deal with internet addiction lol... but it is working at keeping me accountable. 
2. Still using StayFree, but instead
   • I've put firm 30min daily limits on all social media and youtube
     • I like that StayFree can also track my time spent on both the smartphone app and the website, and group them together. It further disuades me from "cheating" which I've done in the past
   • I've also set up a "productivity" goal; I must use Duolingo (educational app) at least 1h a day. Also really like that feature because I can remain intentional about how I use my phone, as a tool to better myself rather than as a way to get quick highs.
3. Redefined my goal a bit
   • Having thought about this more through the past few weeks, I think my goal is to mindfully engage with the internet. As such, I've rethought things like; time and place, what interactions bring me true fulfillment vs a quick doomscrolling or notification check high, and seeking to stay connected and supported.
   • Thus, I feel more comfortable logging on this forum now, as I am doing it with the intention to seek and provide support back.
4. My passive screen goals
   • They remain mostly the same with the exception of letting myself still feel connected by having that 40min limit I mentioned on social media. It's enough time to use those with intention, rather than for getting a quick dopamine hit.

Finally, rather than making a commitment to come back here every weekend... I'm going to just leave that in the air instead. I'll come back when I know I can and it won't affect my productivity, such as today.

[D_Cozy]

I've been having a pretty distracting week.

I had some DR appointments that I were scheduled during my workday, so had to take half days to deal with them. I don't really work that great with half days honestly, it's hard to focus on getting what I wanted to get done this sprint.

One of my kids has also been sick from daycare, so having him home was pretty distracting.

This week I really need to get a deployment for work done, along with some diagrams completed. I am not hopeful on getting some requests passed though, but maybe at least one can go through. I am also meeting with my ADHD coach this morning.

Today is Friday, so I'm gonna make it count.

[D_Cozy]

Saturday is here.

I have mixed feelings about yesterday (Friday). On the one hand:

• I made really good progress getting some code changes deployed at work
• I had good talks with my ADHD coach and my manager about me getting better, being more productive and staying on top of communicating with them
• For ITAA, they reached back with some helpful resources to get me started. They recommended specifically:
  • Join 6 meetings in a short period to see if ITAA is right for me, and to look for the ones labeled for beginners in their calendar
  • Links to three pages: "Tools for Recovery", "A guide for newcomers", and "Discovering sobriety worksheet"

On the other hand... I did try to fit some of these meetings during my workday, which I admit I overthought quite a bit and it led to me wasting some work time. I am taking this advice seriously, but I recognize that I have to do some reflecting here too.

The reason I probably overthought it is because I didn't really discuss the meetings with my wife. And well, hindsight is 20/20; obviously I should do that first, before I even think of scheduling online meetings, however helpful they are. We have 3 kids, that's just the reality of my life, and I cannot just schedule things for myself without coordinating taking care of children. I think part of my hesitancy to bring this up is that I feel embarrassed about needing help, and I know that I shouldn't feel this way now. I know that it takes strength to admit you need help.

So instead of jumping right into the schedule things, I will talk with her first. That, and I'm also going to read over those links in more detail as well. In particular, the sobriety worksheet; that one looks like it will be really helpful for me to lay down a foundation.

When I complete it - which may be tomorrow - I'll post it here too. I am going to work on it with pen and paper first, so that I unplug myself from the computer.

[D_Cozy]

Saturday summarized - the books I read and that I'm reading

I didn't go into a lot of detail on what I did Saturday, so may as well go for it here. Whole family (wife + kids + myself) went to pick up some breakfast and then to the park; we ate it there, then the kids all played. After that it was chores, mostly laundry. Which I have fun with; I know that sounds strange, but it's just how I'm wired lol. I like the way a clean space looks once it is clean. I made some sandwiches for lunch, which everyone except my picky oldest + the baby had one of.

In the evening, I read some more Don Quixote, which is the book I'm currently reading now. I'm almost done Part I (this is like 1k pages). For those who may have followed my other journal, last year I finished Bram Stroker's Dracula, William Gibson's Burning Chrome (short stories by William Gibson) and Neuromancer (his magnum opus which I make a habit to re-read every 5 years), and Jeff Whistler's The Maxims of Manhood (satirical book on "real men" - simultaneously funny and insightful!).

This year I finished Herman Mellville's Moby Dick, which was a real slog but I personally enjoyed it. It's not for everyone, the graphic descriptions of whale hunting can be stomach churning and there is certainly a lot of dated thoughts. But it is told from a very personal angle, which gives it authenticity and an insight into what the whaling fishery was like at the time.

Sadly I have not read many books aside that one, that is because I also spiraled into negative scrolling habits, which I'm attempting to correct with this journal. I am currently reading through Miguel De Cervante's Don Quixote, and Ernest Hemmingway's Short Stories.

Sunday - what I'm reading continued + ITAA steps

Oh and yes, I still have to finish Simon Parkin's Death by Video game; I picked it up just this morning again actually.

Regarding ITAA, I talked with my wife earlier today about it... and she is fully supportive. So yeah, I was afraid for nothing. That said, she also shared her concerns over the schedule, as I do have to work and we also have 3 kids to take care off. Fair enough, we will be talking maybe later today about how we can make a plan; it may just have to be better for me to attend 1 meeting this week instead, and go from there, rather than scheduling 6 at a time. I have signed up for one tomorrow only so far.

I also realize that in the ITAA website, they want people to attend as many meetings as possible, particularly in the first 90 days... and that is when it clicked. 90 days detox, of course! It's because these are the hardest, and they encourage that so that people have support systems. With that said, I do feel that I personally have a very strong personal support system right at my home; my wife, my kids, my in-laws (who live very close to me), and a few of my close friends that live here (which I make an effort to talk with once a week at least). This is not me dismissing that I have a problem with my problematic internet use, rather it's acknowledging that my situation may not necessarily be as isolating as other members there.

I started working on reading some of those links too, the sobriety sheet. I am not yet done with that to post it here. But I did work on something else that I did finish, and which I think will also be helpful; I made a short list of "Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy."

I worked on this first because these are non-negotiable activities that I must do, before I consider any screen time, entertainment, pleasures, etc. So it acts as a foundation. It's something which I think I needed to define first, have it written down. I think it will also help me work on my sobriety sheet without resorting to any rationalization or justification, which I caught myself doing before I did that list. Now I feel a lot more confident to do my sobriety worksheet with this list:

Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy

• Stretch
• Drink Water
• Breakfast, lunch, dinner
• Talk to my partner
• Talk with my kids  + play with them
• Read a book
• Meditate + deep breaths
• Practice French
• Wash face + body
• Go for walks / Excercise
• Sleep around 8h
• Gratitude and reflection

Edited September 29 by D_Cozy

[D_Cozy]

Monday 9.30

I spent much of the early morning reflecting on the meeting I was supposed to have later, when I realized just at the time that it was actually on Tuesday that the meeting is for, and not today. Well, whoops...

Mistakes happen, that's okay. I spent some time journaling my thoughts on this, and re-establishing my Circle of Influence. This is something I've talked about in this forum before, and I think it's been really helpful at grounding me and getting me to visualize what really requires my attention.

So anyways, that is what I spent doing this morning. I will admit I should've been working instead, but I was a bit sad with myself for mistyping the date of the meeting to be today, instead of tomorrow. With that comes self-doubt, and I had to de-stress productively by redrawing my circle of influence.

The Circle of Influence

For those not familiar with it, it's a mental exercise that I learned from Stephen Covey's 7 "Habits of Highly Effective People"; a great book I recommend reading. The exercise is as follows:

1. Grab a large piece of paper or whiteboard. Draw a large circle, and label it as "Influence."
2. Grab some sticky notes, and in each one write a stressor. So for e.g. how you act and behave, your education and skills, how you may be perceived by others, fear of being excluded, political concerns, your boss at work, your performance at work, and so on.
3. Review your stressors and see if you can think of others (repeat step 2).
4. Any stressors which you have control over (or at least some say in), move them to the Circle of Influence.
5. Any which you are not within our control, put them outside the Influence circle; this area is called "Concern"

By putting the things that we can take action and have influence over on the center circle, it visualizes and draws attention to them. These are the actions which we can start to take. The ones which sit outside the circle in the Concern area are things that we do not have much control or influence over; these are things we should not spend much mental energy worrying about.

That isn't to say we are choosing to ignore the area of Concern either. In fact, it's the opposite; it's about being realistic over what we can focus on. Ironically, it is actually when we focus on the Concerns that we are more likely to relapse. If we continually focus on things like what other people think of us, the state of the world at war, rising housing or economical costs, etcetera... We will feel powerless and victimized, feeling the impulse to retreat and hide.

Stress... that has been the main reason for why I've relapsed into doomscrolling. Binges which can last as long as the entire workday. It's obviously very unhealthy, as it sucks and wastes a lot of my potential and productivity. And the things I tend to be stressed about are also things that I really can't control much; rising costs, external factors, fear of rejection, etcetera. What I can control on my end though is how I present myself, what I choose to do with my time, how I can be a better listener and helper, and so on. This is why the Circle of Influence works so well for me; it reminds me that I do have control and am able to make a difference. I'm grateful to be practicing this.

Habit 1 - Be Proactive

Later tonight, I will actually re-read 7 Habits as well, and engage in the exercises. The first habit is to be Proactive. The exercises:

Quote

1. For a full day, listen to your language and to the language of the people around you. How often do you use and hear reactive phrases such as "If only," "I can't," or "I have to"
2. Identify an experience you might encounter in the near future where, based on past experience, you would probably behave reactively. Review the situation in the context of your Circle of Influence. How could you respond proactively? Take several moments and create the experience vividly in your mind, picturing yourself responding in a proactive manner. Remind yourself of the gap between stimulus and response. Make a commitment to yourself to exercise your freedom to choose.
3. Select a problem from your work or personal life that is frustrating to you. Determine whether it is a direct, indirect, or no control problem. Identify the first step you can take in your Circle of Influence to solve it and then take that step.
4. For the next 30 days, make small commitments and keep them. Be a model, not a critic; be a listener, not a judge; be a part of the solution, not part of the problem. Don't argue for your or others weaknesses; reflect and admit mistakes, and learn from them. Don't blame or accuse; work on things you can control, on you. 

I'll use this journal to note down the results. And I really recommend 7 Habits of Highly Effective People to anyone reading here!

Daily Health

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I'm also going to commit to recording my daily goals to stay healthy. This will help keep me accountable with looking out for myself, which will also help me reduce my screen time. That way I can catch myself when / if I'm not keeping myself healthy.

• Stretch; yes, this morning
• Drink water; yes, and will continue throughout the day
• Food
  • Breakfast; yes, toast
  • lunch; yes, quesadillas
  • dinner; will have that later, air-fried hot dogs
• Movement
  • Exercise; yes, worked out with my wife after kids were in school. Focused on bicep curls, tricep extensions, and abs with "Russian twists"
  • Walk outside; yes, with my dogs for 10min this morning and 15min in the afternoon
• Personal Hygiene
  • Wash face; will be done tonight
  • Body; yes, had a shower after working out
• Sleep ~8h; last night it was closer to 7.5h, due to a kid waking up, but it's around what I'd like. As long as it's not less than 7h.
• Talk to partner; yes, between work-outs, and plan to continue talking with her during dinner and after kids are in bed.
• Talk with kids / play with them; will be done after school and during dinner
• Read a book; I will be re-starting Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" in this self-improvement journey I am on
• Meditate + Deep Breaths; oops forgot this morning... I'll make sure to meditate and take deep breaths during a short 10min work break, in about 20min from now.
• Practice French; did 10min before work this morning. I'm committing to doing more later tonight after work.
• Gratitude and Reflection; journal entries here are part of my gratitude and reflection process for the last 24h. So yes.

I'll keep myself honest and update if I stray from any of these, as that will be a red flag for me that I need to get my priorities in order.

Edited September 30 by D_Cozy
Daily Healthy Goals

[D_Cozy]

Tuesday 10.1 (part 1 - Sobriety Worksheet)

It has been a really insightful day. I'm very glad to have attended the ITAA meeting today.

Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy

• Stretch; yes, this morning and before working out
• Go for walks / Excercise; yes, cardio today, did an incline walk up treadmill with my wife
• Drink Water; yes, while working out and throughout the day
• Nutrition:
  • Breakfast; yes
  • lunch; yes
  • dinner; tbd, I will make it tonight (quesadillas and beans)
• Talk to my partner; yes, about ITAA and the meeting, + I'm sure other things tonight
• Talk with my kids  + play with them; will be doing that tonight
• Read a book; still reading the first part of 7 Habits, which is sorta like an intro that lays out paradigms
• Meditate + deep breaths; yes, during work break
• Practice French; still have to do this, will get done before bed
• Wash face + body; yes, after working out
• Sleep around 8h; yes, last night was again 7.5 but felt better rested today
• Gratitude and reflection; long journal entry with sobriety worksheet!

The next part is gonna be very long, but it's a transcript of that worksheet I did on pen and paper. So feel free to stop reading here if you don't think you'll have the time.

My Sobriety Worksheet - last updated on October 9th, 2024

I still need to get this reviewed by another ITAA member, but I want to record it here for accountability. It is not super well formatted, but I don't want to spend a lot of time doing that either. Obviously because I'm trying to not overspend all my time with technology.

1. My most compulsive internet and technology behaviors. (Bottom Lines)

The following apps, content and websites are particularly bad for me. One "quick" session tends to lead to wanting more, a binge, and eventually a large loss of time:

• Social Media: majority of Reddit communities and online message boards, Facebook feed, Instagram, Snapchat, Pinterest, Twitter, Discord, Imgur, Line, TikTok
• All mobile (smartphone) games: specially those with social chatting features
• All social media games: e.g. Words with Friends
• Compulsive research: self-help content, researching / googling in response to anxiety and stress, wikipedia and fandoms
• Editing Wikis: wikipedia articles, and fandoms for movies, films and games

These are called Bottom Lines; behaviors, websites and apps which I heavily struggle with regulating. They are compulsive and destructive for me. Once I start them, I cannot stop; and when I do stop, I cannot stay stopped. I will abstain from these apps, games and behaviors.

2. Occasionally compulsive internet and technology behaviors. (Middle Lines; part 1)

These are behaviors and tech which I've compulsively used when I have a free moment, and have sometimes lead to abuse or a binge.

• Video game streaming content from Twitch, lets plays, watching video game speed runs
• Checking my phone notifications during a quick break or spell of boredom
• Erotic content: porn videos and images
• News sites: New York Times, CBC, The Post, AP News, Ars Technica
• Compulsively checking work and personal email (non-planned blocks of time)
• Online competitive video games with "randoms" (i.e. people I don't know)
• Social media: updating profile privacy settings, LinkedIn (i.e. job hunting)

What helped me think of these was thinking if I've ever used technology at inappropriate times as a habit, without a specific purpose in mind. Specific times when I think it's inappropriate to use technology are as follows:

• Any personal tech and internet use at work (excluding family emergencies, as a necessary example)
• Right before bedtime (e-reader excluded, to read before bed, as a purposeful use example)
• Right after waking up (meditation app excluded, to practice mindfulness and deep breathing, as a purposeful example)
• Using technology when I'm IRL with my family and friends (unless planned; e.g. a party video game or movie night, as a purposeful and positive example)

3. Other non tech-related compulsive behaviors I struggle with. (Middle Lines; part 2)

• Procrastination and work avoidance
• Overworking myself as a result of the above
• Overspending or taking on debt
• Smoking weed
• Compulsive masturbation
• Daydreaming

4. The needs that I seek to meet with the behaviors listed in questions 1–3.

For personal and tech use while working:
A lot of the needs that I'm looking to meet are due to feelings of redundancy and inadequacy. The needs I tend to seek are acceptance, a sense of meaning, of belonging, validation and support. This falls under my own procrastination, which I tend to do particularly when the task is open ended.

Social media, editing wikis, compulsive researching, news sites, compulsively checking emails:
all these are about my want to feel included, a sense of belonging. Validation and support play a part here too; it's a feeling of wanting "to leave a mark" or "to see and be seen." I really enjoy when I feel like I am part of something bigger, and online I can find many communities which I am interested in. A lot of groups which I can connect with and feel part of that "something bigger." Finally it's also to fulfill the need to learn, to evolve myself.

With mobile and social media games, smoking weed, video streaming content + speedruns:
the needs are I want to have fun, a "quick" feeling of excitement and stimulation through play or watching someone else play, to retreat to something familiar that has its own set of rules and closed environment. It has been a while since I touched mobile and social media games, as well as weed. But I do recognize that I still have cravings for them even now. So I'm noting them too, along with other issues that I'm recognizing are also bad for me now.

Erotic content and compulsive masturbation:
my need is wanting to feel connected and intimate from these. I haven't done these in a long time, but I am still noting them down as I recognize they can be problems for me too.

I recognize that there is nothing wrong with wanting and seeking these needs; it's how we seek them and when we seek them that matters. So I also recognize that to meet these needs, it should be done mindfully and with intention; not reactively and through submitting to impulses and urges.

5. Challenging situations and emotions that can bring up the urge to use. (Middle lines: part 3)

My triggers are:

• feeling stressed from ADHD symptoms, work, family relationships, and friends
• engaging in any of my middle line behavoirs and situations, without a plan or block of time
• big/breaking news, which make me want to engage with checking them constantly
• being bored, even if for a bit, makes me want to pull out my phone and check it; such as in a waiting room, during an elevator ride, or while waiting in a parking lot to pick up kids and wife

Questions 2, 3 and 5 are called Middle Lines; behaviors, situations, websites and apps which make me urge to act out. When possible and realistic, I will be abstaining from these, and will reach out for support when I have to engage in necessary middle line behavior or if in a middle line situation. They are basically my "slippery slopes" - maybe I won't slip down to addiction all the time, but one day I might. As such, they aren't safe or acceptable either, and are not alternatives to bottom lines.

6. Positive or necessary internet and technology use.

My goal is to mindfully and purposefully use technology. I recognize that some technology and internet use is necessary to work and be productive. I also recognize that, when I have planned and used my time appropriately, I am able to have a healthy and fulfilling life with some technology incorporated to connect with my friends and to recenter myself.

• Doing my job from home; working on my computer, using Pomodoro to focus and schedule breaks
• Doctor calls, refill prescriptions online, anything related to health and wellbeing
• Taxes, finances and homebanking
• Online volunteering with a Civic Tech club in my area
• Messaging my wife, friends and coworkers during appropriate times
• Checking work and personal emails, in scheduled blocks of time at appropriate hours
• Reading digital books using my e-reader
• Listening to music when doing work and doing chores
• Listening to podcasts or music when doing muscle work outs
•  When on the treadmill; listening to music or a podcast, or watching a show or movie, or playing a simple touch-screen game on a non-smartphone device (if doing an incline walk for this last one)
• Logging my daily journal entries online in GQ forums, to keep me accountable
• Reviewing my screen time dashboards
• Guided Meditation through apps
• Online ITAA meetings, seeking outreach and sponsorship
• Connecting with support groups during appropriate hours
• Learning French + other new languages in the future using learning apps
• Planned time to watch shows and movies, or play video games (those not identified in bottom and middle lines) with my family and friends

7. Healthy, non-compulsive activities and strategies to meet my needs and live fulfilling lives. (Top lines)

• Take regular off-screen breaks, respect breaktime as a way to unplug from tech
• Spend time with friends IRL
• Go to the gym; build muscle with weights, cardio with treadmill
• Practice deep breathing and mediation
• Talk to my partner and spend time with her daily
• Talk to my kids, play with them and spend time with them daily
• Wash my face, take a shower, groom my beard
• Go for walks with dogs + kids
• Go to the park with kids and family
• Connect with nature (sit outside as a family, camp, etc)
• Practice journaling, reflection and gratitude daily
• Drink water regularly
• Stretch regularly
• Read a book
• Make and eat regular meals (breakfast, lunch and dinner)
• Build jigsaw puzzles and lego projects
• Adult coloring books
• Organize home and mantain regular chores
• Working on the 12 steps to recovery
• Practicing the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
• Volunteering with Civic Tech club, + other
• Planning the week and weekend with my family and friends

These answers in question 7 are my top lines. They are positive activities, which enhance my self esteem, and help me maintain sobriety, while meeting my needs in a healthy and functional way. The positive and necessary use from question 6 can also be referenced to include the healthy or aspirational activities (such as the online volunteering, meditation, language learning, socializing and destressing).

-------------

So in general, as long as the use of technology is not in my bottom or middle lines, and is planned and done when appropriate, it is a positive and healthy experience for me.

And sorry for the long post! This won't be a usual thing either 😄 

Edited 3 hours ago by D_Cozy
formatting. I'll resume editing it another point, because it's a long post and I don't want to spend too much time doing that right now

[D_Cozy]

Wed 10.2

I had a moment of weakness yesterday night where I scrolled through Reddit "quickly" while I was cooking dinner. In reality it took me like 10min which delayed me finishing dinner. I was frustrated afterwards as well, I recognized that and had some reflecting to do.

I've reduced my timer down for social media, from 30min to 15min now. Specifically on my phone. I will keep it that way moving for now, but I think I'm going to have to just... stop using social media in general. I will keep my exception to this forum so I can journal and put my thoughts here, but still only to a few min a day.

Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy

Sleep around 8h - I feel well rested, it's still closer to 7.5h because a kid wakes us up. But I actually woke up before my alarm today.

Stretch - yes, right after my alarm was shut off, and before my workout

Go for walks / Exercise - yes, with my wife this morning. Squats, Chest Press and Fly.

Drink Water - yes, during workout and plan to keep this up throughout the day

Wash face + body - yes to body, will do my face later tonight

Nutrition:

• breakfast - egg sandwich + cup of coffee
• lunch - later
• dinner - later

Talk to my partner - yes, during our morning workout and after that. I also reflected with her last night about what our favorite thing that day was (which is also a form of gratitude). So this is something I'll keep doing with her later in the day, every day.

Talk with my kids  + play with them - talked with them this morning, not much time to play before school though. Last night played with some action figures, it was fun also getting my 7mo to crawl after his older brothers. The middle one still feels like he is "invading his space" haha, he is adjusting. My oldest one is very gentle with the baby. Overall yesterday was pretty fun and I hope tonight is similar.

Read a book - not yet today. I did complete the first part of 7 Habits last night, which is about paradigms; the way in which we see the world first needs to go through change before we can start altering what being a good person looks like. It's very insightful and it did make me think about this; maybe I'm putting a lot of pressure on what the idea of productivity for myself. I tend to overestimate my abilities frequently, and while there is nothing wrong with aiming for growth, I do think that I am being unrealistic about the pace of it for myself. So it's given me room to be kinder and more forgiving to myself.

I do plan to start part 2 tonight, which kicks off Habit 1. Habit 1 is being Proactive.

Meditate + deep breaths - not yet today. I did some guided meditation with Headspace (app) yesterday during a work break, deep breathing followed by a meditation of being in the moment. I am planning to do some during a workbreak.

Practice French - technically not through Duolingo, but I did drop off my middle child at daycare this morning and spoke to his educator; for context, c'est une garderie français en Ontario (a francophone daycare in Ontario). But I still plan to practice with Duolingo later today.

BTW, I know Duolingo can be a bit controversial due to its gamified elements. That said, the reason it's positive for me is because it's not the only thing I use to learn French; I have other francophone people around me, my wife included, which I can practice speaking with. I think that is the key that has helped me get to A2 French, the combination of both an app I can do in my own time in addition to having people to practice with. I still have a long way to go to get more fluent, and I know I'm gonna need an alternative for when I get to C1 French and beyond (Duolingo does not get that far at the time of writing, just to B2 French).

Gratitude and reflection - I plan to do some of that privately with my wife. For today, I want to express some gratefulness on me finding ITAA. I realize now that it's not just video games, but tech as a whole which I am capable of procrastinating with. Onward on this journey to sobering up and mindfully using tech.

Edited October 2 by D_Cozy
grammar

[D_Cozy]

Wed 10.2 (continued)

My Screen time summary

Tracking my screen time is something I've become very conscious of doing while embarking on this journey to mindfully use technology (rather than compulsively). So for today, I'm going to be posting my monthly stats of September 2024.

Stay Free - covers my phone, my work computer, and my browsers (both on computer and mobile).

I would love to be able to calculate the average time, but doing that manually (like manually recording each day, and then doing the calculation) isn't something I can afford the time to do. I did look for a way to download from a spreadsheet or something, but nothing of the sort is around. So I submitted a request to the developer, to consider implementing one of  those features.

This is still helpful though. And here's some thing I wanna do based of them;
1. Eliminate using Reddit - it's really not good for me, even just a few min a day. At the very least, it needs to go much lower in usage.
2. Facebook use is okay as long as it's JUST messenger, as I do use that to communicate with friends and family. I also make calls with it.
3. Notepad++ - this one is tricky, because I use it for both work (coding) and for personal journaling. I recognize that I am using it during work hours even to journal. Now, I don't necessarily want to eliminate journaling, but I do have to do it at better timeframes, or when necessary to "braindump" (just not too much)
4. New York Times I do have to minimize, though not as bad as Reddit I still need to. The time spent looking at Cooking is okay, that's where I get some new recipee ideas; and I'm okay doing like the daily Wordle. But I know also that's not all I do with it. I overbrowse the news section some days. So that needs to also stop.

P.S. we do own a personal computer too, but I have not used it at all in the past month; my wife is the one who uses it all. That said, you bet that if I start using my personal computer again, StayFree is the first thing I'm installing on it.

Also I just started using StayFree, so September 2024 is all I got.

Switch - this is the time I spend playing video games on my free time, which I keep to the Switch only now. I no longer play games on my phone, and don't plan to ever again. In my case, keeping gaming in a console (a dedicated device) is enough for me to recognize time and place, and keep gaming only for appropriate times.

| Month | Average time per day | Days played | Days over 2h |
|--------|:-------|-------:|:------:|
| September 2024  | 1h 35m  | 20  | 6  |

These stats are for my account only, and are pretty consistent with what I'm used to seeing. My average time is always consistently under 2h. The amount of days I play a month is usually around 19 days give or take. I do still go in and manually check how many days I went over 2h, a stat I find helpful to track in case I find myself spiraling in the future.

My takeaways are:

1. I did just start last month to my commitment of not playing in workdays, unless with specific cases stated above. I stuck to it for a full week (last week when I started journaling regularly here again) and plan on continuing that.

2. All my days over 2h are on weekends, none during weekdays. I'll keep that up for sure.

Oh and by the way, my Switch time is something I have been tracking for years. Here are my stats for the past 12 months, which is as far back as I can go in the app:

| Month | Average time per day | Days played | Days over 2h |
|--------|:-------|-------:|:------:|
| September 2023  | 1h 20m  | 21  | 4  |
| October 2023  | 1h 30m  | 19  | 5  |
| November 2023 | 1h 30m  | 11  | 2  |
| December 2023  | 1h 35m  | 15  | 3  |
| January 2024  | 1h 5m  | 8  | 1  |
| February 2024  | 1h 55m  | 24  | 11  |
| March 2024  | 1h 50m  | 23  | 8  |
| April 2024  | 1h 40m  | 13  | 5  |
| May 2024  | 1h 25m  | 23  | 5  |
| June 2024  | 1h  | 20  | 1  |
| July 2024  | 1h 35m  | 27  | 9  |
| August 2024  | 1h 50m  | 27  | 10  |

P.S. I track and post my stats for my own accountability, and for no other reason. This practice has helped me recognize that my problem wasn't specifically with all video games; it was behaviors specific to types of devices and technology. Reflecting over them has also helped me correct those bad habits over time. So I'm going to continue posting these, for both StayFree + my Switch, aiming to continue using it mindfully and at appropriate times, for my sake.

Edited October 2 by D_Cozy

[BooksandTrees]

What is the digital consumption time for your kids now? My wife and I were not sure when to introduce tech to our son. Some family avoided tv and games til 2. We let him watch very slow videos, like asmr lawn mowing, for 30 minutes sometimes and it calms him. 

[D_Cozy]

 

13 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

What is the digital consumption time for your kids now? My wife and I were not sure when to introduce tech to our son. Some family avoided tv and games til 2. We let him watch very slow videos, like asmr lawn mowing, for 30 minutes sometimes and it calms him. 

The 7mo baby gets limited tech exposure; viewing pictures or video calls while one of us is also doing that. Sometimes he'll also watch a show his older brothers are watching on the TV (like Bluey), but it's never for more than a few min. Throughout the day, I will use my standing desk while he is in the carrier with me, but I put him facing me, so he can't see the screens. I will do that in 30min intervals, more-so to not injure my back. Also when I work, I'm also talking out loud as I do things, so he gets to also hear my voice + my thought process.

The 3 and 4yo get 1 hour screen-time on weekdays, 2 hours of screen-time on weekends. For the weekends, I get them outside in the mornings first-thing before they start with screens, usually with a trip to the park; outside time first, then inside time, basically is the idea. We try to co-watch or co-play whenever possible too, because that turns an isolated screen experience into family time; so they won't associate it as an activity they can use to escape us when they are older, is our thought process.

For shows and games, I agree to hold off until 2yo personally, that's what we did as well with all our kids. We have screen time limits set on the devices they use. Both of them actually got quite upset the first few months when the timers went off; but now, they are used to them. So it is worth putting up with those first tantrums when that happens. They know now that once the timer goes off, whether it's the iPad or the Switch, it means it's time to take a break. Habits I wish I would've formed when I was their age too... instead I had to learn them as an adult, still learning them now for myself.

Edited October 3 by D_Cozy

[D_Cozy]

Thu 10.3

Later today, I have a civic tech volunteering online meeting. I get to use my computer programming skills to volunteer my time into creating a solution that can help our community stay informed in local politics. I was not able to do that last week, due to a parent teacher night at my oldest sons school. But it's been very fulfilling for me to do this each Thursday night when I can, so I'm looking forward to that.

Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy

Sleep around 8h - Yes, again more like 7.5h because I got woken up again... this time by my dog who learned to open the sliding door for the closet, and went into the dirty laundry. She can be mischievious like that.

Stretch - Yes, right after shutting my alarm and checking the weather. Something I've found what works well to both get me out of bed and not check my phone right after waking up; charge my phone away from bed, in a plug on the other side of the room. I'm going to keep doing that.

Go for walks / Excercise - Yes, at home with my wife playing Just Dance for 20min, which made me sweat when we got to Bangarang by Skrillex. Technically a video game, but one where I have to physically move my body and thus actually exercise. So this is a positive experience for me.

Drink Water - yes, in-between songs. Will stay on top of this throughout the workday.

Wash face + body - yes to body, after dancing was done. I will do my face later today.

Nutrition:

• breakfast - oh yeah... I had a yogurt this morning but that's not even close to enough food. I'm gonna get on this on my soonest work break. Man am I glad I am journaling regularly again haha
• lunch - tbd, but probably a sandwhich again. It's what I had yesterday as well
• dinner - tbd, my wife says she'll make it today, so I get some time to spend with my kids after work

Talk to my partner - yes, we brought my middle kid to daycare together today. Last night I also reflected on an incident (keep reading) with her, as well as our favorite moments of the day. I did tell her I felt a bit distant from my oldest kid, so hence why she offered to make dinner tonight instead (I made it yesterday + night before), so I get to spend time with him after work.

Talk with my kids + play with them - this morning I talked to both the older ones during breakfast, and bottle fed the 7mo afterwards. Planning on doing more of that tonight.

Read a book - yesterday I said Habit 1 would start. Well actually there's a 20min intro to get through for what each habit covers, so my mistake. I read it fairly quickly last night though, and as per the story below, I am being mindful of being a better listener and being more patient, even in stressful situations. I started a bit of "Habit 1; be Proactive" this morning, and will continue reading later today.

Meditate + deep breaths - deep breaths this morning. I will continue to do so in a morning work break.

Practice French - I'll get to this in the evening after work.

Gratitude and reflection - well see below 🙂 I'll keep doing this regularly. I am grateful to also start journaling, I may have skipped breakfast otherwise.

---------

Yesterday's reflection

I had a massage yesterday, which helped with my stress quite a bit. Also to get some blood flowing to my legs after some pretty intense squats haha, at least that is what my massage therapist said. And I did some reflection on my screen time, which I posted above.

While making dinner, my middle kid (who is 3yo) pulled up a stool next to me while I was moving the pasta for dinner off the hot element of the stovetop. I was in the middle of draining the pasta and warned him multiple times to not touch the stove top... of course he did it anyways, because he is 3yo. Once he did I promptly put his hand in cold running water, then my wife helped by getting some medicine to ease the pain and to put on the wounds.

Normally I would've gotten mad and blamed my wife for not being around. Which would've been immature and hyper-dependent of me. But I'm glad to say I didn't do that. I recognized that she was busy with my other 2 kids. And I also recognized what I could've done to prevent that; instead of continuing to drain the pasta, I could put it down and move him away from the stove. So it is a learning experience for me, my wife and I talked together about this as well and overall I came feeling like I grew out of that experience.

All this to say, I think the 7 Habits book is already having a small impact on me. I am going to keep working on being a better listener, reflecting on myself and challenging my perspectives. Only by changing the way I see the world can I truly grow as a person.

[Ikar]

On 10/2/2024 at 3:53 PM, D_Cozy said:

Practice French - technically not through Duolingo, but I did drop off my middle child at daycare this morning and spoke to his educator; for context, c'est une garderie français en Ontario (a francophone daycare in Ontario). But I still plan to practice with Duolingo later today.

BTW, I know Duolingo can be a bit controversial due to its gamified elements. That said, the reason it's positive for me is because it's not the only thing I use to learn French; I have other francophone people around me, my wife included, which I can practice speaking with. I think that is the key that has helped me get to A2 French, the combination of both an app I can do in my own time in addition to having people to practice with. I still have a long way to go to get more fluent, and I know I'm gonna need an alternative for when I get to C1 French and beyond (Duolingo does not get that far at the time of writing, just to B2 French).

I'm happy to read that you don't have Duolingo as your only way to learn the language. The key is to really have many different sources and to put in at least half an hour a day on average. I've been trying to point out to my students that Duolingo and lessons with me (normally once a week) are probably not enough to learn English (in your case French) well enough. The main benefit of it is that it's 'free' - they just pay by watching the ads. Some of my students really like it, possibly because it's quite well gamified and that works for their personality.

I tried learning Russian using Duo several years ago, but I finished after a year or two, because I got bored of the app. It still throws rather out-of-context vocabulary/sentences at students, because it tries to be an app for everybody. Duo also doesn't train the thing most people actually want - to be able to understand and say something on the spot. Yes, it can help you prepare some phrases to use, but if the reaction of the other person is not simple, it's game over. And ultimately, speaking can be only improved by (surprise, surprise!) speaking 😄

[D_Cozy]

20 hours ago, Ikar said:

I'm happy to read that you don't have Duolingo as your only way to learn the language. The key is to really have many different sources and to put in at least half an hour a day on average. I've been trying to point out to my students that Duolingo and lessons with me (normally once a week) are probably not enough to learn English (in your case French) well enough. The main benefit of it is that it's 'free' - they just pay by watching the ads. Some of my students really like it, possibly because it's quite well gamified and that works for their personality.

I tried learning Russian using Duo several years ago, but I finished after a year or two, because I got bored of the app. It still throws rather out-of-context vocabulary/sentences at students, because it tries to be an app for everybody. Duo also doesn't train the thing most people actually want - to be able to understand and say something on the spot. Yes, it can help you prepare some phrases to use, but if the reaction of the other person is not simple, it's game over. And ultimately, speaking can be only improved by (surprise, surprise!) speaking 😄

I have heard about how Duolingo just wants your attention, and to an extent that is definitely true with its 15min experience boosts. I've been mindful of practicing with it and with my wife + kids daily though. I definitely agree that it's talking with other people who know the language that is helping me with saying simple phrases on the spot.

[D_Cozy]

Fri 10.4

If you are short on time but want to read any part of my journal today, I really recommend that you read the last part of it: "7 Habits - Paradigms and Principles"

Yesterday I attended a meeting for the Civic Tech Club. That is one activity which has been bringing a lot of joy and meaning to my life. I wrote a Python script to parse through all the links of a specific government website, and had it record all the links that were budget PDF files (which they make public). This will let us feed them to a dashboard, the idea is to bring this info to the public in a more readable manner so that we can hold local government accountable on the areas where they spend their budget.

Really good way to keep working at my programming skillset, using tech in an intentional way, and give something back to my community! Hits a lot of checkboxes.

Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy

Sleep around 8h - My sleep last night was really wacky. My wife and I went to bed slightly before 10pm, which is very early for us; guess we were just really tired. But I woke up around 11:30pm not able to go back to sleep, so I just read the 7 Habits until I got tired; which ended up being close to 12:30am. I woke up at 6:30am. If my math is correct, that is about 1.5h before waking up, then after that about 6h additionally. So technically I got somewhere between 7.5h ~ 8h of sleep, just in two sessions. I feel well rested, though, so maybe that is what counts 😛

Stretch - Yes, after waking up and before working out.

Go for walks / Exercise - Walked my dogs for about 10min this morning, then went for a weights work out with my wife at the gym; bicep curls, tricep extensions, Russian ab twists, and planks. I hit a new milestone with tricep extensions, managed to do 80lbs (40lbs per hand). My wife also hit a new milestone, managed to hold her plank for 1min. Progress for both of us!

Drink Water - while working out and will continue with my full water bottle throughout the day.

Wash face + body - yes to both this morning

Nutrition:

• breakfast - shoot, I gotta eat lol. I had apple sauce this morning but that is not nearly enough. I'm on my 2nd cup of coffee, so that will probably be the last one for today. I'll make myself a quick breakfast soon.
• lunch - oh yeah, I ran out of cold cuts yesterday. Glad I remembered now with my journal, I sent a text to my wife to get some (she is going grocery shopping today).
• dinner - will be later, sounds like my wife has a plan that I'll be helping with later today.

Talk to my partner - yes, during our morning routine and our workout. Some really good chats about living a fulfilling life. I talked to her again about how I'm greatly limiting all of my social media to only direct messages, and about the 7 Habits. 

Talk with my kids + play with them - yes, a bit this morning. Last night I enjoyed being able to spend some time talking with my oldest who I had felt a bit distant. We did some simple math games on the iPad together. I also got to play with all of them in their room (the two older ones, baby has his own room). Although cleanup time was a bit difficult. My oldest enjoys cleaning up but sometimes I need to "bribe" him, which I don't think is necessarily what I want to keep doing. And my middle child needs a lot of encouragement, he just does not like cleaning up. I want to instill all my kids with the morals and base values to do it, because it's the right thing to do, and I am recognizing that resorting to taking things away isn't a good long term solution (it works temporarily, but it's not teaching them the why they should).

This actually crosses over with the 7 Habits, and is what I also talked with my wife about last night. She suggested instead some things that she has noticed work well for them:

1. Break the problem down; so ask each kid to clean up one thing only, and guide them with doing that. This works really well with my oldest kid from what I noted.
2. use a timer; apparently this works really well for my middle child at home and at daycare, because it makes cleaning up like a race or a game (this is news to me!). Definitely trying that in the future.

Read a book - I read Stephen R. Covey'sThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People last night before going to bed and also after waking up for that hour, and will continue reading it later today. See below for my summary of the books first part, "Paradigms and Principles", and what I took away from it.

Meditate + deep breaths - Yes, throughout my breaks.

Practice French - yes, quite a bit this morning before and after working out.

Gratitude and reflection - Journal entry complete, my gratitude and reflection here!

---------

7 Habits - Paradigms and Principles

Before I start sharing anything about The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, I have to share what I learned in the first short part of this book; "Paradigms and Principles"

This is the opening intro to the 7 Habits, and guides you through how to apply the material and what you can expect. The part that sticks out to me the most from here is Aesop's fable of "The Goose and the Golden Egg" to illustrate the concept of P/PC balance. First, let's talk about the fable in summary:

• A poor farmer wakes up one day to discover that his pet goose has laid a glittering golden egg
• He takes the egg with him to town, gets it appraised, and discovers that the egg is pure gold!
• The next day, he wakes up and becomes incredulous when he finds another golden egg!
• Day after day, he awakens to rush to the nest and keeps finding another golden egg.
• ...But with this increasing wealth comes greed and impatience.
• Eventually the farmer is unable to wait another day for the golden eggs.
• So the farmer decides he will kill his goose and get all the golden eggs at once.
• But when he opens up the goose, it's empty
• There are no golden eggs, and there will be no other way to get more. The farmer has destroyed the goose that produced them.

This story shows that true effectiveness must be in balance with two things; production of desired results (P) and the production capability of the asset (PC). In this fable, the golden eggs are the P, and the producing capability comes from the goose (PC). That is what P/PC balance is all about. Because the farmer neglected the goose (the PC) and eventually got rid of it, he also lost all production (P). Rushing results, submitting to greed and neglecting your assets may get some short term gains, but it will destroy any future potential and growth.

Remember how I talked about my kids, how they have a hard time cleaning up? This fable can be applied to them too! My kids are little, very dependent and vulnerable. It is so easy for me as a parent to neglect the PC work - the training, communicating with them, relating to them, and listening to them. I realized that I have been choosing to threaten them by taking away pleasures if they didn't do what I asked them to do. It works, temporarily, but it won't be enough long term. So a better alternative here is to communicate with them, to observe them so that we can find ways which they enjoy cleaning up. Then when I apply them, I also show them that I am relating to them and that I do pay attention.

The things my wife brought up (break the problem down and gamify the activity itself) are exactly what I was looking for, and I'll continue to pay attention so that I can keep finding those structures that work for them. That is how they will learn a sense of responsibility, develop self-discipline, and grow their confidence to make good choices and achieve important goals as they get older.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People also recommends that I share the material I read about in the next 48 hours after learning it. That is the reason for why I discussed it with my wife, and it produced excellent results because I listened to her, showed interest in her ideas, and also managed to understand how much more effective they would be; better compared to my current approach of threatening to take benefits away from my kids if they don't do what I tell them to. That is also the reason for why I am journaling about it here on this forum; not only for my own benefit, but if anybody here reading takes anything away from my journal, I really want it to be about the 7 Habits. I'm going to keep sharing what I learn here every day!

Edited Friday at 04:37 PM by D_Cozy
Adding Civic Tech Club

[D_Cozy]

Sat 10.5

It's late, and I'm submitting this one late because it has been a busy day overall.

Oh and BTW, today is officially day 3 of no social media for me, since I had that moment of weakness on October 2nd. I dunno if I'll be keeping a counter and posting here every day necessarily, but I'm recognizing it now because my cravings hit me pretty hard today while under stress taking care of all 3 kids, whilst my wife was running an errand. I did not cave, which I'm glad about, but see my reflection below.

Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy

Sleep around 8h - Yes; I went to bed after 11:30pm last night, later than usual, but woke up after 7am, which is also later than usual. So that is still about 7.5h hours of sleep. I stayed up late cuz my wife and I were catching up with some friends online, they are a couple who live far away from us that we met while we were in postsecondary. They are both in the middle of some upward career moves, so it was motivating for me to hear that as I am working on bettering myself too (I felt no jealousy, something I normally I would have... and I'm attributing that to being off social media). So because it's a weekend, it's not like I'll be repeating going to bed late frequently.

Stretch - Yes, in the morning after waking up.

Go for walks / Exercise - Brought dogs for walk with middle kid, which is exercise enough lol. All of the family also went to the farmers market in the morning; I greatly recommend checking them out near you as well, we got a lot of produce for waaay cheaper than grocery stores; no joke, I got like 30 cayenne peppers for just 2 bucks from a couple that just wanted to sell them all. I froze most of them.

Drink Water - yes, not so much throughout the morning, but I did drink like 3 tall glasses between lunch and dinner.

Wash face + body - yes, just finished that.

Nutrition:
* breakfast - yes, breakfast tacos and burritos from the market
* lunch - yes, a brisket sandwhich and coleslaw from the market
* dinner - yes, air-fried hot dogs

Talk to my partner - yes, actually had a very nice conversation with her just recently. We talked about my moment of stress, and I opened up to her about how my journey here quitting social media has been difficult. There have been cravings to doomscroll, and I did tell her how the times I tend to just "pull my phone out" are when I have brief boredom spells like waiting for the elevator. She also opened up to me about some private things she is also dealing with around her anxiety and phone habits she is also working on (this is as much as I'll post as the rest is private for her). Overall a very good talk, one of the best we've had in a while (she said this herself).

Talk with my kids + play with them - Yes, at the park with all of them. In the afternoon, the baby and my middle kid were playing with action figures in their room. My oldest was playing by himself then, but he joined us halfway in the playtime, although the two older ones eventually got bored and started getting physical with each other. My wife showed up a few min later but I had started to get a tad stressed here, which is when the cravings came.

Read a book - Yes, 7 Habits again. See below.

Meditate + deep breaths - Yes, this morning and after I had reacted poorly to the above. I took deep breaths to calm myself down which worked well. Making a note of that so I don't react poorly next time.

Practice French - Yes, this morning before the market trip.

Gratitude and reflection - Entry complete, even if it's 10:40pm at night (it's still the weekend)

---------

7 Habits - Habit 1; Be Proactive

I am about halfway through the chapter. The best thing I got right now is in regards to what the author said about proactivity; how it is the foundation for all other habits. Proactivity is not about being pushy or arrogant, it's about taking action but also listening and being attentive to others needs.

There are three classical ways of thinking from old Psych which we can be defined as people; from our genetics, from our circumstances, and from our current environments. But the author also noted that it is not these things that necessarily must define us; it's our responses to them.

So in regards to quitting for e.g., that is a choice we are making (in my case, social media). I could just as easily blame my retreat to my phone on my work stress (environmental), or my parents and the trauma they raised with me, or my ADHD (I could say it is genetic). But I have a chocie to act differently, to respond differently. It's something I got more aware about tonight, as I was quite reactive under pressure (environmental) when I was with 3 kids while my wife was out running an errand. Usually what I do to deal with that stress is retreat to my phone and scroll, something I'm cutting out. I reflected on that, and I recognize I can do better; not just do actually, but choose a different response too.

Change won't happen overnight either, so this isn't me being hard on myself. I know the way to get better here is to keep practicing listening and reflection.

I'll be back with more of what I've learned tomorrow 🙂

[D_Cozy]

Sun 10.6

I had a great day and night. Got very busy carving a pumpkin with my family; roasted the seeds with spices to have them as a snack, and mashed the guts to make a pumpkin puree (which will be useful to make a soup later in the week). The carving itself was just two holes in the bottom, which is where the babies legs stick out of, and a big hole at the top to put the baby on. It was a cute and funny picture.

My wife and I have made some intricate pumpkin carvings each year, so this won't be the only one in preparation for Halloween; Scooby Doo, Charlie Brown, anything from nerd culture really. My wife and are currently debating which characters and designs we should do. And we always eat the entire insides of the pumpkin (guts and seeds), while composting the rest of it; but that said, I'm open to cooking ideas on using the skin and pulp too.

Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy

Sleep around 8h - Yes, although 7.5h seems to be the average for me. I wouldn't mind this being a bit higher but I can't be too upset given that we have 3 kids.

Stretch - Yes, in the morning after waking up and right before going to the park.

Go for walks / Exercise - I brought all 3 of my kids to the park, baby included. Obviously was on top of the baby when in playground, he just enjoyed crawling and exploring. The other two were pretend playing while using the swings, slides and monkey bars. Later in the day I brought my dogs out for a walk + the two older kids. Oh yeah, and I got busy lowering the crib mattress, since the baby is learning to pull himself up now. All that combined is basically a workout.

By the way; on weekends, I don't have the goal to do the gym necessarily. If I can do it, I will, but the 3 kids are enough to keep me busy throughout Saturday and Sunday. I do make it a point on weekdays to go to the gym though, or at the very least do a workout at home like on Thursday the 3rd.

Drink Water - I caught up later in the afternoon today, but again I forgot during the morning. So it is looking like on weekends I need a reminder early on to get me drinking water.

Wash face + body - Oh yeah... I should do that. I will after posting this journal entry.

Nutrition:

• breakfast - yes, I actually used some of the cayenne peppers to make omelets
• lunch - yes, fruit salad. Not super filling though, so I'm making a note of that to add something more to it (at least on the side or in addition to).
• dinner - yes, my wife made some burgers in the air-frier... which reminds me, I need to wash the inside of it. Okay, that will be a tomorrow task for me.

Talk to my partner - yes, we had a pretty good night together. I'm taking the lessons from 7 Habits to heart and practicing them. Including the part of the book that talks about love being a verb, something you do, not just something you feel.

Talk with my kids + play with them - Yep, the park outside with all 3, then later in the day with the other 2. I did try to get my older kids involved in the pumpkin carving, although none of them had any interest with helping get the guts and seeds out of it (obviously no knife carving for them at their current age).

Read a book - Yes, 7 Habits. Not a lot of time to read, with everything I had to do; park trips, helping with chores, adjusting the crib, and carving the pumpkin pretty much filled up my day.

Meditate + deep breaths - Yes, after getting back from the park. I will do another meditation to wind down soon after my shower.

Practice French - Yes, this morning and after dinner as well.

Gratitude and reflection - Yes, my act of reflection and gratitude is basically my entry in this online journal. I'm wondering if I should just rename this to "journal" moving forward... well it doesn't matter much as long as the idea is clear.

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7 Habits - Habit 1; Be Proactive (Circle of Influence)

I've posted a lot about the circle of influence around here and in r/StopGaming (back when I used to go on Reddit anyways). You can see a more detailed explanation in the 9.30 entry, so I'll just be quick with what I add here:

Stephen Covey argues that the problems we face fall into three areas:

• direct control; problems involving our own behavior
• indirect control; problems involving other peoples behaviors
• no control; problems we truly can't do anything about, like our past or situational realities

Direct control problems are solved by working on our habits; these are obviously within our Circle of Influence. We solve these with our own "Private Victories" achieved through practicing habits 1, 2, and 3 (in the book).

Indirect control problems are solved by changing our methods of influence; and they can fall within our Circle of Influence too if we're willing to work on what he calls "Public Victories," which are habits 4, 5, and 6.

Finally the No Control Problems involve genuinely and peacefully accepting that some things, we just have to learn to live with them. This isn't being pessimistic; this is being realistic, and saying we won't let these problems to control us.

Most of all, the Circle of Influence reminds me of how ITAA also approaches the spirit of their prayer; "Give me the courage to change the things which can and ought to be changed, the serenity to accept the things which cannot be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference"

Already, I'm noting overlap between what I read in this book and what the ITAA prayer embodies (which is borrowed from the Alcoholics Anonymous with permission, in case it looked familiar to others reading).

Habit 7 btw is called "sharpening the saw" which is the continuous improvement of all 6 other habits. So that is why it didn't get listed in the Circle of Influence.

[D_Cozy]

Mon 10.7

Not as late of a submission today, so that is good. I'm getting into a better routine doing my journal now.

Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy

Sleep around 8h - yes~ish, I went to bed a bit early last night, then woke up before midnight cuz of the baby, then I realized I forgot to write my entry so I went ahead and posted it late yesterday. I estimate I got closer to 7h of sleep instead of the 8h I'm aiming for, I'll take that but I would prefer to sleep closer to 8h. Right now it's 8:30pm as I'm writing this my time, so I think I'll be good tonight.

Stretch - yes, as soon as I woke up cuz I really needed it; both kids joined us in our bed and I slept like a contortionist haha. I also stretched before workout, did a few burpees to get the blood flowing.

Go for walks / Exercise - yes, with my wife; bicep curls, tricep extensions, Russian ab twists, one 1min plank. Later in the day, I did handstand pushups with a wall assist, 3 sets total. I started from a headstand and then pushed myself up, but had to use the wall to keep myself upright. It will take me a while to be able to do them without a wall, for support; that is the goal, but like... damn a lot of balance is needed to just hold the handstand!

Drink Water - Yes, throughout the workout and regularly throughout the workday

Wash face + body - yes, right after workout to both

Nutrition:
* breakfast - yes~ish, I had some roasted pumpkin seeds and a yogurt. I am recognizing I could've had a bit more to eat though.
* lunch - yes, I made myself a sandwich and scarfed it down, I was definitely hungrier by this time.
* dinner - yes, broccoli cauliflower casserole with oven baked chicken. That definitely hit the spot.

Talk to my partner - a little bit, but she was occupied trying to do some shopping for her brother, whose birthday is coming up. I understood it was important, so I'm looking forward to talking to her more later tonight after I submit this.

Talk with my kids + play with them - yes, although I had to cut play short during dinner; both my kids didn't really want to eat their supper. I usually let them eat and play a bit with a toy, but tonight I had to be firm because they weren't touching their food. I took the toys away from the table, and then they ate supper.

Read a book - yes, 7 Habits. I finished "Be Proactive" and also started reading the workbook; well, a sample of it rather. The first questions are on the Paradigms part. I will post more about this tomorrow, because I still have to work through all the questions; I'll be doing that in my lunch break I'm thinking, and will post the ones I finish here.

Meditate + deep breaths - yes, this morning. Also during a moment where I found myself getting reactive. It helped me not play the blame game with my wife, and I recognize deep breathing is a good habit to build awareness and not react poorly.

Practice French - Yes, this morning. Unsure if I will do more tonight.

Gratitude and reflection - Yes, here is the entry with my reflection. I'm already seeing improvements with my mood, my relationship with my wife, and my interactions with my kids by practicing the 1st habit of being proactive; listening, being more loving, working on my influence.

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Tomorrow, I'll be posting the following for the 7 Habits:

• Workbook for the Paradigms (part 1) questions

After that, what follows will be:

• The action items for the first Habit; Be Proactive. I alluded to them in one of my first entries in this journal.

[D_Cozy]

Tue 10.8

I had an ITAA meeting this morning, a 2-way prayer one, where we meditate and ask a question to our Higher Power (I am not religious, but I think of my HP as being my conscience). I personally brought up how I have been working on my reactivity to be more proactive; on being a better listener, a better role model, and a more dedicated worker.

I think these guidelines will be helpful for me, and they fall in with The 7 Habits too; specifically the proactivity one, which challenges us to practice actively listening and keeping small commitments to ourselves. More to follow below from the workbook exercises.

Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy

Sleep around 8h - I jinxed myself a bit haha. I did go to bed at a good time, but all my kids woke up through the night (I did get learnings about my reactivity though, which I typed in the section below). I got closer to 7h of sleep again, I don't necessarily feel super tired, although that may just be the coffee talking. I'm still taking this as a win (as long as it's above 7h) but I need better sleep moving forward. Not an excuse for my reactivity, but it sure does help being better rested to deal with it and be more aware.

I will say though, that ever since I stopped scrolling and gaming at night, I have not felt like a zombie. Stopping screen use around 1h before going to sleep has had positive benefits.

Stretch - Yes, after waking up. Again, the two older kids joined us. Also before and after exercise.

Go for walks / Exercise - walked my dogs this morning, then after both older kids got to school, went to the gym with my wife. We did bicep curls, tricep extensions, and lateral flys (chest and deltoids, if I recall correctly, is what this exercise works out).

Drink Water - yes, during the workout and throughout the day.

Wash face + body - not yet, but will do so later. Normally I would've had a shower right after working out, but I was not super sweaty after weighted exercises (though I still felt them!)

Nutrition:

• breakfast - yes, omelet and toast with peanut butter after workout. Much more filling than yesterdays
• lunch - yes, went to run an errand during my work break, we just picked up some A&W for lunch
• dinner - later

Talk to my partner - yes, this morning and while running that errand + getting lunch. Will continue reflecting with her.

Talk with my kids + play with them - A bit this morning, will do more of that tonight. We got some literacy resources from my oldest kids teacher today, exercises in French to do with him at home, so that is something my wife wants to do while I take care of the baby and the middle kid after work today.

Read a book - I will be doing more 7 Habits later tonight; I have notes on the book that I'll be posting.

Meditate + deep breaths - Yes, during my ITAA meeting actually, there is a step to do this together for 3min.

Practice French - Not yet, will do tonight.

Gratitude and reflection - see above for reflection

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7 Habits Workbook - Paradigms and Principles (part 1)

Paradigms

Have you ever had an experience where you made an assumption, only to find that you had jumped to a conclusion too quickly? Describe the experience below.

I struggled last night with my assumptions of what my partner; I felt like I was incompetent at the time. I know that is not what she had meant and she was upset her to hear that.

What was the assumption you made?

I had assumed she was upset at me while I was trying to get the baby to sleep, and I got frustrated at that assumption.

Think about some other assumptions you have made. What will you do this week to work on one of them?

Here are some things that I brainstormed, so that I can do to ground myself when I feel myself becoming reactive:

• Take deep breaths
• Drink water
• Remove myself from the situation (if with a kid, obviously make sure they are safe first)
• Meditate

Once I've done all or some of those things, I can be better grounded to do the following:

• Actively listen to my partners perspective
• Acknowledge the things said by my partner
• Check-in with how I feel
• If not reactive, calmly explain my perspective, using an "I" voice

We actually talked about this last night, as well as about other times this comes up. It's specific situations where I am tired or when I am with the kids. I'm realizing that the thing that hurts me is not what she says, it's my response to it. And a lot of my reactivity comes from it being a bad habit I've formed over my entire life up to this point. So it will be hard to break that habit, but I am going to keep working on it, and am hoping those strategies will help me be a better listener.

Have you ever been to a different country or even to a different region in your country? What was strange to you?

This question made me laugh, because I have lived in Mexico before moving to Canada. The strangest initial thing that I remember when I came here to Canada is that people don't wear shoes inside; they just walk around inside their house with socks. We don't do that in Mexico, and I'm pretty sure not in the USA either haha.

Did people act the way you expected them to? What did you think about their actions?

No, I thought people would be more stereotypical Canadian but really everyone acts very differently. Although I think the general idea of people being more private is true here in Canada; in Mexico, people tend to be a lot more open and blunt. Not that either one is better or worse though, just different.

Looking back on your travel experiences now, what do you think people thought about you? Do you believe their thoughts about you were probably similar to your thoughts about them?

Yeah I did get stereotyped growing up, although at the time I had chalked it up to teenagers being teens. But to an extent I think it's a similar idea to what I was doing when I first immigrated.

If you had the opportunity to get to know people in your travels, how did that change your assumptions about them?

Well now I know that there are all kinds of personalities. I remember meeting an American tourist on a trip once at a resort in Mexico; and at first I thought that he was very aggressive due to a language barrier, since he could only speak English. But I did take the time to talk to him, initially thinking because I speak both languages fluent to help him, because in general I like helping people. But my assumptions were wrong; he didn't understand the cultural gap, and he knew that, but he was not trying to be insensitive and was actually quite aware that he needed help. I listened to his language further and realized his "I" voice was just coming off quite strong, so that is what had seemed like aggressive behavior to me at first. Turns out this man wasn't ignorant or dumb, and he was fine with asking me to help him, then he asked me to explain the queues he had missed.

Still one of the most pleasant experience I've had in a trip

Think about the different routes you can take to your home or work. Are some ways more complex than others? Is one way sometimes more convenient than another? Why or why not?

Well I work from home, so it's a bit unfair to say "I can take the kitchen and living room path sometimes" lol. But joking aside. In terms of going back and forth between picking my kids up; yes, I could drop them off in front of the school instead of taking the back parking lot, now that I think about it. That would take long r though, but it would be more convenient if I just wanted to have a shorter walk to the entrance during winter snow.

Have you ever found a new way home that you didn't know existed? What were the unexpected feelings of traveling different routes?

Yes, back when I worked at a gym chain for their IT. I remember feeling a sense of discovery driving behind the neighborhoods instead of sticking to the main streets, which were often traffic jammed. It still probably took about the same even with traffic, but I felt more at peace.

Now think about the way you interact with people. Are there several ways to approach them? What new ways might you try?

I tend to be very reserved, and avoid eye contact with people that I don't know. One thing I'm really trying to work on, which is why I'm committing to this technology detox; I'm not opening or unlocking my phone in front of strangers just because I feel awkward, it's impulsive behavior without a specific purpose for the device, and I don't want to keep feeding that.

I do tend to open up conversations with strangers using very predictable topics like the weather, I have noticed. Some others in my building whom I don't talk with often do that too. So maybe I will try to switch it up, and show genuine interest in these building regulars I tend to run into; I know some of them have preferred activities and hobbies.

---

I worked on some of those answers last night, when baby woke up; typed some notes on my Kindle, the only screen which doesn't hurt my eyes at night. Finished the rest of the answers during my break.

I thought those were all the questions, but there is another section afterwards on Principles. So I will read that next section later tonight of the workbook, and then work on the questions either tonight or tomorrow morning.

That's it for my entry today. Happy Tuesday everybody!

 

Edited 7 hours ago by D_Cozy

[D_Cozy]

Wed 10.9

I have edited this journals title again, additionally the main post to include my format. I think I've found something that works well here with "Things I must do to stay healthy." It's actually really helpful because the list of things I have to do every day covers these four key areas of self-renewal and self-improvement (which is also Habit 7 btw, "sharpening the saw"). Some of them even overlap with multiple areas, as follows:

• Physical; sleep around 8h, stretch, go for walks / exercise, drink water, nutrition (breakfast, lunch and dinner), wash face + body
• Spritual; walk outside in nature (with dogs), read a book, meditate + deep breaths, journal (gratitude and reflection)
• Mental; sleep around 8h, go for walks / exercise, meditate + deep breaths, read a book, practice French
• Social/emotional; time with my partner, time with my kids, practice French with other speakers, journaling here on this forum

Now to be clear, this list doesn't cover everything I can do to fulfill these areas of my life. As an example, my job is very important, and it fulfills me both mentally and socially/emotionally; but I certainly don't have to do my job every day, nor do I want to work every day either (respecting my breaks and weekends is something I'm also working on).

So yes, there are more than just these activities I can do to fulfill me in these areas, but this is a list of the ones I set a as a goal for myself to do daily.

Things that I must do everyday to stay healthy

Sleep around 8h - yes, finally 8h of sleep. Finally! All kids slept through, no dogs being mischevious, no interruptions! Been a while since I had that kind of night. Went to bed before 10:30pm and woke up at 6:30am. As a parent, I will take that.

Stretch - yes, after waking up and before the workout. I'll keep stretching regularly as I take standing breaks from my desk.

Go for walks / Exercise - Squats with my wife, then an incline treadmill walk for about 30min. We played the digital version of Wingspan together while we were both on the treadmill. Personally, playing a game while on the treadmill helps us both with doing the exercise and sweating without wanting to give up. So this is an example of a top line behavior with tech for me.

Wingspan is an engine building board game about birds. It is one of the best board games I've played. And being a board game, there is a physical version of the game; so for others reading who want to try it safely, I greatly recommend the physical board game (assuming board games aren't bottom or middle lines for you). The game actions are based around things which birds do IRL; flocking, laying eggs, collecting and caching food, preying on other animals, and so on. It's very clever, and has a fair amount of strategy and decision making you have to take into account.

Drink Water - yes, during the workout and throughout the day. It has worked well for me to drink water as well when I find myself getting jumpy, fidgety and stressed.

Wash face + body - yes, after the workout. Cardio is by far the best way to get me sweating.

Nutrition:
* breakfast - yes, leftovers from the Monday dinner.
* lunch - yes, eggs and toast. A reverse lunch for breakfast and breakfast for lunch situation today 😄
* dinner - to do later

Talk to my partner - yes, while we were doing squats and after our workout.

Talk with my kids + play with them - helped get my older kids ready for school, bottle fed the baby this morning, and dropped off my middle kid at daycare. Looking forward to spending more time with all of them later.

Read a book - I will do the 7 Habits again tonight.

Meditate + deep breaths - Yes, and just like drinking water, deep breaths help me a lot with grounding myself.

Practice French - Yes, this morning after showering. Will do more tonight.

Gratitude and reflection - Here is the journal entry!

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7 Habits - Practice

Yesterday after dinner, I listened attentively to my partner about how her mom (my MiL) got my kids and their cousins (on my wife's side) new tablets for Christmas. She bought them now because of some big sale going on. My wife said she went through a lot of emotions, but eventually agreed that it was okay to buy these for them.

I am okay with this now, although initially I was not. I had my doubts about it because I think technology should be used as a tool more than for entertainment; that and also, we already got both of our kids big tech gifts for that time of year, one which overlaps for the one we were gonna give the middle kid (a smaller kid-friendly tablet). So due to those things I felt like I was excluded at the time.

But instead of reacting about that, I remained a listener and heard my wife's point of view first; these tablets have parental controls built in still, they can be set up for school use as they grow up (unlike the other one we had gotten my middle kid, and she will also be returning that one and get him something else instead). She also argued that it would not look good if these two tablets were returned, but their cousins still got them for Christmas; I asked her questions to make sure I did understand that this was her point of view, and communicated to her that as much as I acknowledge her perspective, it is personally one which I disagreed with. Because I think it's actually healthy for kids to feel jealousy and work through those emotions, rather than try to avoid them. There's value in learning to be happy with what you have, rather than wishing for things you don't have. I could tell she was listening too, and she also acknowledged that I made a good point.

So that was an awesome experience. True, it was a difficult conversation to navigate, but it was ultimately calm and we both felt listened to and understood. The reason I am sharing this here is because this experience is a great example for myself to refer back to. This is one of the things that the 1st Habit on Proactivity is about, being a better listener. Proactivity is critical to practice, because it also fed into the 5th Habit which I haven't even gotten to; seeking first to listen and understand, before seeking to be heard and understood.

All that said, I did not get to the workbook last night, because this was a pretty important conversation that we needed to have, and it did take time to have it and process each of our perspectives. But I'm not disappointed either, because as you can see, this conversation gave me a great opportunity to practice proactivity.

Barring any other unforeseen, I'll work on the next part of the Workbook for Paradigms and Principles, and will post about it tomorrow.
 

Edited 3 hours ago by D_Cozy

[wheatbiscuit]

1 hour ago, D_Cozy said:

But instead of reacting about that, I remained a listener and heard my wife's point of view first; these tablets have parental controls built in still, they can be set up for school use as they grow up (unlike the other one we had gotten my middle kid, and she will also be returning that one and get him something else instead). She also argued that it would not look good if these two tablets were returned, but their cousins still got them for Christmas; I asked her questions to make sure I did understand that this was her point of view, and communicated to her that as much as I acknowledge her perspective, it is personally one which I disagreed with. Because I think it's actually healthy for kids to feel jealousy and work through those emotions, rather than try to avoid them. There's value in learning to be happy with what you have, rather than wishing for things you don't have. I could tell she was listening too, and she also acknowledged that I made a good point.

That reminds me of a Christmas that my parents handed back to me re-wrapped a gaming console that I must have left out of sight for 10 minutes (IDEK) and when I opened it, my quiet first beginning utterance was 'hey, I already have..', but then I looked up and understood (because of various morals in movies/novels). I may have even smiled, though I knew it was a lesson. 😉

Edited 3 hours ago by wheatbiscuit