8 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

When I got ASD assessed 2 or 3 years ago, even that was something I did because a few people thought I should. Reading understandingly-worded media posts about it is really nice, except I've already been through many situations masking successfully, and I really did like 'scraping by' as a normal person - for awhile (but quite awhile yet again). 

Unfortunately, there are a lot of contradictions with me. I try and chill out as much as possible so as not to 'slip up', but then sometimes if I'm listening fully (but just shy of 'actively' listening), I'm asked if I care/where my enthusiasm is. Lol. It is painful to see my family grapple with themselves for me too, despite them being a lot more successful in several ways. Even getting to the stage of being able to say and share 'I think I've noticed a pattern with me/us' is/would be huge. I think there is real resistance just saying that to oneself sometimes.

Each person with ADHD that I've spent time with in groups has given me the impression of being extremely bright, yet sad as well. I might have come close to behaving like I was too, but it didn't end up becoming a debilitating problem. 

I think that we here all deserve honest motivations without too many screens. Somehow, I've consistently mistaken adequateness for mastery and only pursue interests to a certain point, even at my previous game. Much more compelling for me is conscience, and that feels so at odds with what goes on sometimes. You didn't mention medication - I wish there was an effective and agreed cycle of it that I could use to reap maximum life/health benefits and thrive all of the time - but maybe all that's needed is a shared language and understanding. 'Downtime' post, over. 😛 

It's very hard to look at yourself objectively and to make the right kind of conclusions. More often than not you need the help of others, and most importantly professionals. I never even entertained the thought of being diagnosed with something up until I reached my late 30's. But this was also because I was living in a bubble most of the time, where all I did was to sit in front of a screen all day and losing myself in entertainment. Even acknowledging those activities as problematic at the time took a lot of inward searching and effort, and today there is no hesitation at all that they were very destructive to me. But this insight also came from seeing myself outside of the bubble for the first time, and the slow realization that there was a fundamental issue that created the bubble in the first place.

Most of my family are still in their bubbles. Some of them try to break free, and when they do you can see that it takes a lot of effort to not just repeat the patterns in new problematic ways. My mother is open to the discussion of diagnoses, but she's also in a lot of denial and has perhaps the most apparent bubble of all my family members. When I visited her this summer we actually watched a program about autism and ADHD, and she recognized a lot of things in herself. She just has her own way of expressing them, like complaining about bad memory, being unable to gather her thoughts or general sensitivity to social interactions. She's just completely clueless on how to act on her knowledge, and how to start breaking the patterns. 60 years of living the same way will do that to you I suppose, seeing how hard it was for me after "only" 30 years.

Edited July 29Jul 29 by WilderDaze

I've been slowly migrating to Youtube Music these past weeks, having used Spotify for over a decade now. Partly because I wanted to try out something new (and to get rid of the damn commercials) but also because I noticed that so much of my library and history consisted of gaming soundtracks. Even though I deleted that stuff from time to time I still had to deal with the Wrapped playlists and what not. It just felt much easier to jump over to another platform and wipe the slate clean.

So far so good. Song quality is better (to my ears) than Spotify, and there's also a lot more songs to search for. I like that you can basically convert any video to a music track and put it in your YTM library. I miss some features from Spotify of course, like some of the sorting options, but it's not that it's worse, it's just different.

I'm excited to explore the app some more over time and build a new library of favourite songs. 🎵

Today I deleted the last data I had on my phone, my laptop and my stationary PC concerning gaming. It was a big relief, but also felt a bit scary. I think the hardest part was deleting the long list of games I had put together in my notes app. I really made an effort organizing it and coming up with various interesting games of different genres. To me that was half the fun of gaming; just organizing and checking off boxes. I know this is a slightly autistic thing as I do the same for various other things in life. As long as it doesn't become the main priority of engaging with stuff I don't see any harm in it. 

I also went and saw the new horror film Weapons. What a refreshing surprise that was! I can strongly recommend it to anyone with the slightest interest in the horror genre. Especially if you like creative and disturbing horror, in the likes of Hereditary and Us.

It's been a while since I last posted. I've been occupied with work and various other challenges in life. Right now I'm trying to save as much money as possible so that I can pay off some debts in the near future. I think I've decided that I'm going to move sometime within the coming two years. Having visited my family this summer it has become clear to me that my life would improve in a lot of ways if they were closer to me. They also reside in the southern part of Sweden which is a much better location to be in if you want to make use of several airports for travel. I would save a lot of money and the threshold for actually stepping onto a plane and go somewhere would be lower.

In terms of my daily struggles I've sadly started watching porn a lot these past two months. It started when I visited my family this summer as I was a bit overwhelmed (as usual) by the change of environment and all the stress surrounding it. Constant socializing, not having my usual safe space, not knowing all the locations etc. It usually starts with me breaking my food habits, and after that masturbation usually follows. Of course gaming was a part of this as well back when I gamed. Having removed gaming from the equation my other addictions of course become more alluring.

Currently I'm on the right track though, having been off my addictions for a couple of days now. I notice that it becomes easier and easier to get back on track as my decision to live more in harmony is being further reinforced. I just have to learn how to manage these feelings of stress and anxiety that come sporadically. I know it will do me good if I can power through them and just await the next day.

I've been struggling with my energy levels lately. I think my brain is trying to find homeostasis, after such an intense period of indulging myself. It almost feels like I'm having a cold, and I don't much like it. Work feels much slower and painful than usual and I mostly just want to get away and do something else. Most of all I don't want to socialize, which is very hard to achieve in my field of work since I work with a lot of people. My days off are mostly spent lying on the couch or going for simple walks. It will have to do for the moment.

I've also been continuing my philosophical journey and came across a video by Alan Watts the other day. It's about staying true to oneself and don't get carried away by too much responsibility. In the end life is supposed to be playful and lived in the moment. Being an addict this seems like more of a challenge as we work so hard to try to learn responsibility and discipline. Our reality quickly becomes rulebound and very much controlled as we try to stay clear from pitfalls. But at what cost? Like he says in the video a cat never reflects on why it is chasing a mouse, it never evaluates how it can chase it better or what the meaning of it is, it simply chases the mouse because it is a cat. I feel like all this personal journey stuff has taken a toll on my more playful side, and it hurts me to realize this. I know that I can't let go completely, because it will probably lead me down bad roads where addiction eventually follows. Though I wish I knew how to get to the core of myself sometimes without feeling like I'm afraid to make the wrong turn all the time. It feels like I'm constantly fighting against something, as opposed to welcoming that which is nurturing and good. I know that I feel the most alive when I just become one with my surroundings and let my curiousity take me somewhere unexpected; when I just forget about what I have to do and just allow myself to feel. But it is so hard to achieve that autenticity in everyday life, as so much of it is occupied by mundane responsibilities.

On 9/24/2025 at 11:03 AM, WilderDaze said:

I feel like all this personal journey stuff has taken a toll on my more playful side, and it hurts me to realize this. I know that I can't let go completely, because it will probably lead me down bad roads where addiction eventually follows. Though I wish I knew how to get to the core of myself sometimes without feeling like I'm afraid to make the wrong turn all the time. It feels like I'm constantly fighting against something, as opposed to welcoming that which is nurturing and good. I know that I feel the most alive when I just become one with my surroundings and let my curiousity take me somewhere unexpected; when I just forget about what I have to do and just allow myself to feel. But it is so hard to achieve that autenticity in everyday life, as so much of it is occupied by mundane responsibilities.

I'm on my second day of just catching up with some the interesting activities and being curious after a long time again, so I can empathize. Anyhow, when I'm struggling with some mundane activities (actively), I try to make them fun or meaningful one way or another. It's hard to brute-force all of it all the time. I may not be the best planner to e.g. nail exercise daily, but I already got myself to not think twice about whether I want to exercise or not and I try to cram it into any time window I come across.

So this week I finally got the verdict on my ADHD assessment and it resulted in a diagnosis called combined moderate ADHD. It means that I have both the inattentive and hyperactive characteristics, and that it has a substantial impact on many aspects of my life. It didn't surprise me honestly, as I've come to realize through my therapy sessions that there were many signs over the years. It's honestly a relief to have a final answer to this question now. I look forward to getting to know myself better and to find the right tools to deal with addiction, depression, exhaustion and various other related issues.

No doubt this has played a major part in my affection for video games. As I have a combination of autism and ADHD both of these have gained something from me being absorbed by the digital world. Games have been the ultimate arena for logic, structure, reward and constant wonder and exploration. These are things I seek in my everyday life and that makes me stay motivated, and it's not hard to see how video games could provide a concentrated form of this experience.

Going forward I will apply for habilitation with an initial focus on addiction, as this has become such a big part of my behavioral patterns. I truly want to learn how to do things in moderation, if there even is a chance. If not, then I will focus on making strategies for a better life in a completely different sense. I have to realize that I might have to give up things, as with video games, since the cost of trying just outweighs the point of it all. I've never discussed this with a therapist in relation to ADHD so I hope it will lead to better guidance and a greater understanding of myself. I'm staying hopeful!

Wilderdaze, well done on your continuing efforts.

In my childhood, I watched a lot western cinema that had sexually perverted themes. The films were pushed as mainstream, but many of them carried messages that I cannot even post here. These films openly ridiculed fidelity and humbleness and propagated a humorous attitude towards perversity.

I consulted psychiatry on sexual perversity and from the material i learned that children experience slight and permanent changes to their mental state from watching these things, even in the context of a school classroom. This leads to an inability to express emotions, feel confident among people, carry a certain level of embarassment. Dozens of governments let the criminals in the cinema and press to harm children in the past years.

The moment I realized that it was not all my conscious choice to watch these films, it became a lot easier to fight indecency, boycott it in all forms not just individually, but to fight on behalf of others like you. For many years i thought i am the guilty one until i learned more about the subject.

There are grass roots movements in different countries, that are working to hold corrupt statesmen responsible and accountable for their crimes.

Edited November 1Nov 1 by Amphibian220