Bagradain's Journal

[Bagradain]

Saturday, November 18.

During Friday I had so much things in my to-do list, so I was stressed out completely and couldn't resist to craving.

I had a few relapses, but still slept well during the night. 

Today I was thinking about a lot of things.

For what I'm living?

What I want to do in the future?

What dreams I have now, but forgot because of daily stress?

You know, I'm thinking about it even now.

WHY do I like gamification and games even after my wrong choice to prioritise games over studying ruined my childhood?

I don't know.

For now I just thinking to find a job as a software tester (I'm saving money for the courses and spending 1,5 hour on self-studying).

Next, I'll plan to use my money to invest in self-education and study programming on a professional level.

For my own future projects, or for better job maybe.

I haven't decided on that yet.

Well, now I at least have some goals.

For some reason I became interested in VR. 

I decided to do a break for gaming and return to it (maybe) when I'll buy myself a VR equipment.

Maybe I'll make my own VR game once.

At this rate I'll never get rid of gaming, ha ha😅

Seriously, I don't know what to do.

Few days ago I decided to continue trying to erase gaming from my life, at least from player perspective, but surprisingly developed a passion and a dream to become a VR game developer someday.

I have no idea what to do with that.

Maybe some of you know what's the difference between addiction and passion?

Anyway, I wish you a good day and stay on the road.

Deep down I know it's worth it.

 

Edited November 18 by Bagradain

[Captain_Pilz]

Good work! You got back on track, even after a few small relapses. Staying at it is what matters.

It's also nice to see that you are asking the big questions. Right now, it might feel discouraging to stare into the void that video games allowed you to ignore for so long. But eventually, finding a sense of purpose out there is going to get the momentum on your side. It can pull you away from your addiction. 

Considering the VR thing, I generally consider dipping your toes into video games a risky move. That being said, for some people here it has worked out and it is ultimately your decision. I will just cautiously interject: Interest doesn't equal passion. A passion is something that you invest a lot of time in because it gives you a sense of purpose. It adds to your quality of life, in contrast to addiction which takes away from it. Importantly, I think you only discover that you are passionate about something once you've already spent a significant amount of time on it (usually years). Interest can motivate you to spend this time but you won't become passionate about the majority of things you are interested in. Your interest in VR might be driven by the fact that you haven't discovered what else is out there, yet. It might just be your brain defaulting back to video games out of habit. Now, it's your decision whether you want to pursue that interest.

I am looking forward to reading more of your posts.

Edited November 18 by Captain_Pilz

[Bagradain]

@Captain_PilzThanks.

I'll think about it.

Have a nice day.

[BooksandTrees]

I see on the website you have multiple journals. Why not keep them in one thread so you can see your time-line?

[Bagradain]

@BooksandTreesGood evening. 

Maybe I did some kind of mistake.

I thought you need to make a new topic each day to write a diary.

Where I can see a manual for this site?

Thank you.

[Bagradain]

Ok, I guess I'll just continue my diary here.

[BooksandTrees]

Yeah just keep posting in this thread and every post can be your entry. Look at some of the others but make it work for you but don't feel like you need to have a specific type. It's good so  you and others can see your progress and learn about you. 

[Bagradain]

Monday, November 20.

Today I was quite productive.

I did a few optional tasks that needed to find a job.

Also, a day ago I found a free time-limited Testing course, so now I'm learning at night and have no time to play games.

(Despite the fact I still had a few relapses on Sunday).

And, I changed my phone wallpaper on a building related to my favourite game.

Maybe that wasn't so good idea, but every time I see it, I'm satisfied and craving to play games don't appear.

I know that I need to find some activities and hobbies to replace gaming and form a new self, but now when I have no job and no my own money, I'm too nervous about what awaits us tomorrow, so all I can think about is active learning and finding a job.

Maybe when I'll finally finish learning and get a job, I'll release myself and start seeking for things I like to do.

Maybe I should return to meditation to hold my stress level under control.

Peace.

Have a good night everyone.

Edited November 20 by Bagradain

[Bagradain]

Tuesday, November 21.

Today I had a few relapses.

Deleted every single game and accounts in which I could return to play.

Changed my phone wallpaper to "Game Over".

Everything seems to be fine, but I'm feeling lots of anger and frustration inside.

For some reason I reject all.

Real life, my family, my girlfriend, my friends, hobbies, and even studying.

I don't want all of this.

Don't need this.

I'm still can't understand why people are value life so much.

I have nothing I like in my life.

I was so aggressive yesterday, like my entire body was about to burst, and I was going to scream.

Luckily, I'll helded it back.

Maybe, I have more serious problems than I thought.

Anyway, I'm going to continue dealing with all of my addictions, no matter what happens.

I wish you a good night.

Peace.

 

 

Edited November 21 by Bagradain

[Bagradain]

Thursday, November 23.

Day without gaming streak: 1.

[Bagradain]

Friday, November 24.

Day without gaming streak: 2.

[Bagradain]

Saturday, November 25.

Day without gaming streak: 3.

1 relapse (RPG).

Wanted to see armor and weapons design.

Seeking solutions.

Edited November 25 by Bagradain

[BooksandTrees]

On 11/24/2023 at 6:00 PM, Bagradain said:

Seeking solutions.

For what?