Matt's Journal

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #6 and #7

Monday

• Met a new social group, travelling to a new place and spending 3 hours there
• Left a window open overnight to a usual strange effect on my sleep

Tuesday

• Made a morning trip straight to a further-away grocery store

To be updated; today, I may do some AFK thinking

Good luck with the week's start everyone.

Matt

Edited September 24 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #8

Wednesday

• Tried a 5am alarm to jog, but ran up a hill too early, stopping (will try again as soon as I know it won't be raining (and maybe still if))
• Saw my psychologist - I may have actually entertained them, but we still moved through a lot
• Tried gym, but what can I blame: incidental low testosterone? I thought the variables were good but didn't find much strength
• Told a frequent associate that we should stick to planned phone calls (to talk serious/sincerely) as I was starting to resent texts
• Left a message for someone regarding their social program
• Did dishes without trouble

All in all, a longer, structured and valuable day to have - yes, I spent a few hours online, but as these new posts go, it is only relevant to say that I processed some feelings in my mind whilst at play. That also occurred during the exercise attempts. I could type more, but these new social groups have given me additional faith for partaking in offline outlets - my apologies! 😅

Good luck all,

Matt

 

 

[D_Cozy]

Hey wheatbuscuit, I am glad to see you are still around here.

I took a long break off forums and social media, but it left me feeling more isolated than ever. Eventually it resulted in going back to wasting a lot of time on the internet, to the point of procrastination destroying my productivity at my work for months. Something I'm working on restoring myself now.

So in regards to spending a few hours online with technology; I think what matters is how we use technology and why. A positive use of the internet is to chat and support one another here; but it can also be very negative (at least, in my case) to hang out in this forum/reddit/etc "doomscrolling" for posts to reply or upvote just because it feels good. I made a big mistake a while back and now I'm focusing on mindfully using these forums, with tools to assist me.

Anyways, this is what I've personally gotten from Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous, which is another support group that has been helping me recover; Identify and abstain from specific behaviors which trigger addicting and compulsive loops with technology and the internet.

Cheers

Edited September 26 by D_Cozy

[wheatbiscuit]

Days #9/10/11

Thursday: I honestly don't remember much about it now, 2 days later, which I'm ashamed of - but my chores have been done all the same.

Friday: The gold; attending a coffee meet and then a life skills program, out of the house with people from 10am-5pm. By the time the day was over, I felt healthy in the interactions department. However, I have missed being driven (almost by sheer loneliness!) in exercising this week - I may have done 2 weighted hour walks so far?

Saturday: ^ A late weighted walk, after my first real studio group fitness class in the morning. I have new inspiration in the form of split squats and perhaps giving up barbell shoulder press for dumb/kettlebells/plates. I also want to warm up to and properly give burpees another try now. Both outings today boosted my mood, but I began yet another in-game goal. When I let music that isn't my taste switch on and played at the same time, I actually felt kind of unwell. 

On 9/27/2024 at 2:52 AM, D_Cozy said:

I took a long break off forums and social media, but it left me feeling more isolated than ever. Eventually it resulted in going back to wasting a lot of time on the internet, to the point of procrastination destroying my productivity at my work for months. Something I'm working on restoring myself now.

So in regards to spending a few hours online with technology; I think what matters is how we use technology and why. A positive use of the internet is to chat and support one another here; but it can also be very negative (at least, in my case) to hang out in this forum/reddit/etc "doomscrolling" for posts to reply or upvote just because it feels good. I made a big mistake a while back and now I'm focusing on mindfully using these forums, with tools to assist me.

Anyways, this is what I've personally gotten from Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous, which is another support group that has been helping me recover; Identify and abstain from specific behaviors which trigger addicting and compulsive loops with technology and the internet.

Yeah, isolation is like a root problem. People who feel strongly are a big source of motivation for me when I hang around with them. I would much rather balance emotions and logic than go to extremes with one alone, but even that is a feeling. Fact is, I'm a fan of the Midnight Oil lyric, "It's better to die on your feet (working) than to live on your knees!", which I take fairly literally too. Although, it's not like I haven't lived like that a lot already.

I was never that great at being rationally positive online beyond cheering people on in often strangely-expressed ways. I understand that it probably does help, but it takes away from my reserves of energy to support people I meet in person or know very well - authenticity too.

My main news app has been out of action on my phone the last 2 days, and I've actually found that tough for missing their particularly-worded articles, accessible at the tap of a finger. My gym reception buddy finished up today telling me that even anger (I assume he means the desperate/pleading kind - less destructive) is better than giving/offering nothing, but we both live with 'the 'tism', as he put it once. Even though I offer plenty, I am afraid to invest everything into any situation that IMO should be made to go well/receive my contributions, for potentially getting spurned or ridiculed.

As for compulsive loops, the repetition in my RPG is obvious. For example, I clicked to build a virtual dwelling - and instead of gradually improving and sharing every aspect of it (even online) with other players, I opted to repetitively 'rush' towards maximum benefit for myself alone. That may have covered the challenge of patience and also the pro of security (in a few ways). Honestly, like @Ikar said of his own ability, I know that more real and relevant achievements are very possible, I'm again just afraid of intense competition, wrongdoing and general off-sidedness between myself and others along the way. In short, I actually don't much want to be 'too good' - I want to see sufficiently good things for everyone.

Keep plugging man, and happy weekend all.

Matt

 

Edited September 28 by wheatbiscuit
grammar

[Ikar]

On 9/28/2024 at 10:05 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

As for compulsive loops, the repetition in my RPG is obvious. For example, I clicked to build a virtual dwelling - and instead of gradually improving and sharing every aspect of it (even online) with other players, I opted to repetitively 'rush' towards maximum benefit for myself alone. That may have covered the challenge of patience and also the pro of security (in a few ways). Honestly, like @Ikar said of his own ability, I know that more real and relevant achievements are very possible, I'm again just afraid of intense competition, wrongdoing and general off-sidedness between myself and others along the way. In short, I actually don't much want to be 'too good' - I want to see sufficiently good things for everyone.

I guess competition is relative, it just depends on what you want to achieve. Striving to be effective and efficient is not a bad character trait, but that involves a risk of being too narrowly focused. I think life taught most people here that lesson with (gaming) addiction. I think being able to handle repetition can be highly valued in today society, but ideally in combination with other skills 😄

As for wrongdoing, I think that depends on the field you are in. Yes, I need to find my own students as an English lecturer (or rather enable them to find me), but the advantage is that both of us can cut ties basically at any time (with no or a very small loss). No resentment can therefore even plant its seeds. I don't have any subordinates who envy me and no bosses who can push me around. I just need to listen to myself and treat myself well. As for jobs, bosses can of course suck, but it depends on individuals. But I think anything that reeks of multi-level-marketing supports (or at least skews people towards) wrongdoing.

[wheatbiscuit]

I want another 90 day detox. There are enough things worthy of my attention in the absence of my gaming habit. Day #0 - at Monday, 12 noon.

Sunday: I beat my 6am alarm by 15 minutes to prepare for a far-away event. At 8, I let myself be completely thrown by a text from my dad and called off both my adventure and his suggested one. I was trying to psych myself up for the trip out, and suddenly I felt it was irrelevant to the world. I called him instead of texting my reply, and it was poor. Once more (for a trend, perhaps) and I'll have learnt my lesson and may even stand up for myself. I walked, gave the gym an average try and showered - not many other offline successes to report.

Monday (in progress): It took me a whole month to finish Stephen King - 'Sleeping Beauties' from the library this morning. I don't regret taking that much time, but acknowledge that it disappoints me to merely imagine decent readers in my life really hearing that. I enjoyed it overall, and have another recent book from my nan of his ready to try.

________________

As with most patient/careful accomplishments - especially those I've posted about here over the months - I feel like celebrating; by gaming, typing here, or messaging distant friends. I sort of assured my job agent that my RPG 'story' will reach its conclusion soon, relative a word though that is, but all I believe is owed to her is to take her helpful suggestions and not make her role deliberately difficult. If I were to give up any one thing, it would be what doesn't require my soul's effort in its entirety. I've stood at a look-out point once and demanded, screaming at the sky, to know what is wanted from me. It's inside, not out. Some of the saddest information I've received from within is that for most of the time I've spent gaming since April/May, I haven't been able to hold strongly enough to the idea, and recall the effort of walking lunges and single-legged deadlifts holding 50kg, to carry them out - which is all my lower-body could ever need, really. 

What has cost me a lot of important things is obsession: obsession with easy recognition. Somehow, school (and being a virgin throughout) kept me brushing off praise (too, from outside and within) that I didn't deserve, but once I realised that I could psychobabble my life away to drown out real issues, post-relationship, my gaming was just something to occupy what remained of my energy. I still ended up unsatisfied, until I thought that the character I'd 'developed' was worthy - it really wasn't. I've only been growing more afraid of real work. Today, I took 10% of a bus trip out somewhere to go jogging in the still-dark to disembark and walk home, buying some milk on the way back. That was progress, but the questions remain as to why I barely felt any positive thrill and why I thought permission from friends/family/anybody was necessary to go and explore. I think, at least, it's because I can tangentially explore inside in ways family/friends don't do in the same way, precisely, and that I owe it to them to keep doing so until we are on the same wavelength. My 20+ year old RPG doesn't help me to achieve that.

I revisited another previous question, reaching the end of this last book - 'Is life just something that happens between the maternity ward and the crematorium?' Take out the 'just', and technically yes, I could accept that. But we all inherit a part of the world, don't we? I don't want to keep spending my inheritance the way I have about 30% of the last 4 months. I accept my natural/nurtured handicaps, and am committed to the lasting health of myself and others. Back soon.

Matt

Edited September 30 by wheatbiscuit
Detox

[D_Cozy]

On 9/28/2024 at 4:05 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

My gym reception buddy finished up today telling me that even anger (I assume he means the desperate/pleading kind - less destructive) is better than giving/offering nothing, but we both live with 'the 'tism', as he put it once. Even though I offer plenty, I am afraid to invest everything into any situation that IMO should be made to go well/receive my contributions, for potentially getting spurned or ridiculed.

I will probably sound like a meditation coach here, and that is because I do meditate a lot haha; but anger is an emotion, and one that is normal to feel. It doesn't have to be good or bad; it just is a type of energy.

I do get what you mean too, in terms of being spurned and ridiculed. We can't control what others think of us, but we can influence that with the way we carry and behave. I felt a bit stressed this morning due to being embarassed by incorrectly putting the wrong date for an appointment I was going to attend (it's actually tomorrow, but I was still embarassed). Usually situations like these lead me to think really low of myself, my ADHD makes things like staying on comitments hard to begin with, so I'm super self concious about it.

In the past it's situations like these where I heavily question myself that cause me to relapse into doomscrolling and undoing a lot of the good habits I've built. This morning, I turned that energy into something productive, and practiced refining my Circle of Influence. If you are curious about that, it's posted at my current journal, latest post as of today.

[wheatbiscuit]

Gaming Detox Day #1 (Edited through to evening)

I got a decent sleep, and (as detoxing before) it felt almost 2 hours longer (didn't look at the clock properly) but wasn't. The new 2nd weekly social group I went to heard me talk for a bit about my addictive play yesterday, and where we're concerned, 'winning' the next week can be finishing reading the current book I've got by next Monday afternoon, I guess. My thoughts briefly went to the sub-goals I had made on the game once or twice, but I knew I'd much rather psych myself up for gym or type here. Icky fact? I had left-over sushi cake from the group for breakfast. 😄 It feels alright digesting so far.

Edit: The rest of October 1, Day #1:

After more shameless carbing, I got to the park and its hill for an hour with 15 minutes either side for a weighted walk. Some rumination, which has been a problem since living alone, game or no game. Considered gyming too, but on top of this next Stephen King book being at its nerviest part, I don't think I'm up to a super serious workout at peak time in the evening. It's only day #1. So, I've made some tea and might aim for an earlier sleep - which'll work well if I get a regular walk in before the dentist tomorrow. Peace, guys.

Gratitude:

~ The other social group members seeming to beat their shyness to make it what it was

~ Patiently waiting ~6 hours since lunch (which came easily enough while talking and listening) to share dinner

~ Not seeing any major grief in the still-unfamiliarish suburb in the later stages of the day

~ Being able to wear my hooded jumper comfortably

Hoping we can win the day/week/month (happy 1st!),

Matt

Edited October 1 by wheatbiscuit
Evening info added

[wheatbiscuit]

Detox Day #2

Morning: Really milked it for every extra 10 minutes of rest. I dreamt almost nothing that I can remember, so I'm not up on the wrong side of the bed. Activities that will keep me from ruminating (fictional or not) look important - things that have less emotional attachment, maybe like the high school math books I bought awhile back. Maybe. Halfway through the fiction book I said I'd read already - 'no lifed' it like an RPG yesterday. That's addictive too, is what I mean.

Afternoon: First weights session without RPGing. Pretty focused, but was difficult to psych up for even with the warmup, and I had a little concentration headache or something. It was external and internal cable rotations, bicep curls, upright rows and shoulder press for like 90 minutes with stretches at the end. I'll try lower body tomorrow if I can.

Gratitude:

~ reading Stephen King is funny for me sometimes; I mostly love and sometimes dislike his phrases and jokes, but can still only guess at what my former gaming buddy didn't like about SK, as he recommended some stories to me as well. As I sort of said, it's usually a joy to talk with other people who read often and find out what their thoughts are

~ It rained while I was waking up, but then no more after my day's start

~ Dentist okayed my teeth, said to brush twice!

~ Both my dad and brother texted me at a good time this morning, and I was able to reply, wake up and engage a little. I pondered supernatural influence.

I'll be back later if pressed. GL all

Matt

Edited October 2 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Detox Day #3

Morning: Not so much of an all-reviving sleep, but far from bad. I finished reading the SK book, so I think I can tell you guys it was 'Billy Summers'. No spoilers - I almost did for my Dad because he actually never read it, even if he may have recommended it to me. I'll still say that one thing about it for me was feeling being played a bit for a fool, which I didn't notice while reading Sophie's Choice. Can't be all raw entertainment, I guess. I also tried the gym, sweating instantly from concentrating on a leg warm-up, followed by some semi-decent calf raises. Then I tried some pull-downs and got out of there within 40 minutes or so. I really don't feel much better anymore by bashing my chosen RPG repeatedly, but it is probably a lot to blame for backing off certain forms of exercise too soon/easily. It was pleasurable, but maybe I can't continue to believe that it's true happiness - like the start of a nice day without what I'm going to click on next clouding my mind. I have 1 or 2 things on each day this week except for Sunday, which is fine because I could probably force a little cardio then. I thought a couple of times about the last monster-killing task I could have aced as a maximum-levelled player with the right sword, but have remembered that it's only a series of images repeated and beginning with a click. Music though, I still need an outlet for/with, because for a moment in the gym the stuff in there almost killed me.

Peace til later,

Matt

 

[wheatbiscuit]

Detox Day #4 and #5

Friday: I went to visit my grandma with my dad and brother, and it wasn't as painful as it's been before. In the afternoon a tough meeting in the program I joined last week took place, and I may reach out to one of the more burdened members on Sunday or as needed. Then I got to the gym where I competed for the use of a squat machine, but mostly for the better as I tried to lift the even larger man's weight for a few sets. I learnt something from that.

Saturday: I slept for 9 hours but it felt like much longer again. I managed to drink cocoa and get straight into the shower, and I don't know how long it's been since doing that before eating. My dad and I went to help my brother, and then I was dropped off at the weekly men's social event. All went well, except for feeling like I was holding back all of my positive emotions despite performing, as usual it looks like. Then I came close to panicky getting home, but luckily the new member I was with didn't push me very much as we found the way to public transport/home. I've typed this to try and calm down if/before I go out to a small birthday event for someone in the new social group's 50th. I'll do what I can.

Gratitude:

~ Pleasant weather

~ Didn't let myself feel provoked

~ Drank enough water

~ General understanding, even if strained

Good luck with the continuing weekend everyone,

Matt

[wheatbiscuit]

Detox Day #6

Today the digital clocks jumped forward an hour for the next half-year, so I adjusted my analog on the wall. You could say it was lucky that I noticed, waking up after a night out - it barely registered as a thought until 20 minutes passed. Supernatural.

At the last venue yesterday, I also almost forgot where I was, but usually then looked up at the open sky from the yard to remind me of the wider world. Others there apparently had the same feeling. I left for the train home soon after my brain started powering down, telling one of the main guys that I hadn't really been on track to take my medication past 11pm before, and he did eventually say that I shouldn't push the boundaries of that. I was going to begin this post with 'whew, what a night', but this is what I really wanted to say - only a clown sometimes now. 

It's already almost 1pm, and I want to contact 3 people, clean and exercise a little. Actively prioritising is easier while I look forward to learning something, and both doing nothing or everything ASAP have their pains, so I'll have to start practising just doing it soon enough. 

Edit (1pm+): I called my mum and brother, but only texted my dad, sort of forgetting that in my hurry to get outside for a walk/hike, which was enjoyable. 

I was surprised to get a text back from a new elderly group-mate, and it turned out that they needed a trip to the hospital. I was keen to try and help talk her out of her low feeling she displayed last week, but I didn't know how confronting the shared experience would be. Luckily, the hospital is close to both of our homes and I excused myself approaching bedtime after sitting in the waiting room for awhile. I felt sure that my family would ask why on Earth I went along with that, so I'll bring it up at the associated group tonight if there's time. There has been a red flag or two to me as well.

Gratitude (some more from yesterday):

~ Good feelings almost all of the time from everyone out last night

~ Felt trusted as much as I ought to be whilst the way I am

~ Pushed only a manageable distance from my limits

~ Got to swap stories and a couple of nice moments

Good luck, all

Matt

Edited Sunday at 11:55 PM by wheatbiscuit
day's finish

[wheatbiscuit]

Detox Day #7

I knew it was 6am without looking at a clock when I first woke up, but despite everything, I felt no urgency and obviously lately that it would be almost unwise to create it, so I ended up sleeping 11-12 hours instead of eight. It was front of mind that today is a public holiday for me. Both my dad and the group-mate texted me, but I wasn't (again, 'feeling') awake/alive enough to engage them properly.

I deliberated for a relatively long period of time in my head before a nice walk to the closest gym, but unless I went power-lifting/explosive-style on even the warm-up lifts before pull-ups, that simple planned session wasn't going to work. 

Back when I played/gamed even conscious of the compulsiveness of it from Jan-May 2023, I jumped up every 3 hours, still high on the still-quicker rewards, to go for an hour walk. I usually made 3 each day, with catchy music through my earphones. I suspect there is a slowing down of my energies going on/returning to (my) normal, which wouldn't be a problem if I didn't ruminate on unmet expectations of myself and from others.

I guess I thought today would handle itself based on what was in my view adequate behaviour having earned it. I actually enjoyed myself and would have even more so if every gym member and I simply listened to and critiqued/vibed with the gym music together, perhaps doing basic core and rhythmic movements casually. No, there will probably always be more intense hunger no matter where I go to try and be healthy. I've felt like both productive and unproductive actions simultaneously today - almost exactly what MMORPG gameplay is. I just came here instead, and will now spend the next few hours before today's group meet-up trying to appreciate what already exists. May update later with gratitude.

Cheers guys,

Matt

Edited Monday at 02:07 AM by wheatbiscuit
info/grammar

[wheatbiscuit]

Detox Day #8

(Last night): I rode a bus to the social group (if it were in the morning/afternoon and cooler weather, I would walk) yesterday evening, and sort of asked myself why I was still using public transport when driving (at least, the idea of it) would lend me so much more control and maybe even satisfaction. But me being me, I don't actually see many people enjoy driving safely and considerately unless it's a good day. I also generally lack trust in our reactions in traffic as people (it's my policy to greet and farewell bus drivers even if it barely registers so they might become perkier and thus hopefully safer). Anyway, I'd like to believe that's why I felt low on the trip there. Moods didn't improve that much at the group, but at least most of us were committed to following the schedule/structure of the meet.

Today (Tuesday): 

I might have set a personal record for a regular-feeling sleep. It didn't feel too long, and yet it was. I had been away from screens since 5pm, and was asleep at 10-11pm, so maybe my system saw a chance to really rest and took it - also maybe that readiness to game has decreased, I'm not sure. When I woke up, the thing I felt like doing for myself was going for a jog in the first of a few days that will be cooler temperatures this week. There are a few priorities as well though.

EDIT: Tuesday (cont.): 

I got out to the running track park to a 200m stretch IMO made for interval training in the pedestrian lane but, surprise, I felt like nothing but the scenery and walking. It was for 90 minutes unweighted, and I managed to stay calm and present, with only some rumination. This was a strangely lonely walking experience, and again wished for talk about everything and nothing at the same time.

The only main existential event in my life came shortly before hospital, when responsibility for my life naturally shifted from a being in the sky to myself (though I still often look up for inspiration 🧐). That was after playing a since-deleted 25-minute mash-up of Alan Watts on Youtube during a midnight walk. But otherwise, my mind still often puts an existential twist on many things.

Take the 'Dune' story/movie for example, where the characters have to walk at an unpredictable pace to avoid giant worm attacks - my Dad quickly dubbed that notion as kind of 'against progress'. I'm not sure whether he'd been waiting years to say that after reading the book(s), but there it was. I might not have even wondered about that if he'd first asked if I thought that story idea was cool, or if he'd owned it as an opinion - that's not our family's style, apparently. 😄 What I thought was sometimes it's nice to be a little random/not serious without it being weird or unproductive (like meditation/yoga/stretching? -.-), if it brings lasting happiness.

Ah well, maybe I just miss the community it was possible to have on such an old (sometimes refreshingly new) RPG that has existed for so long. I've also been missing the urge to speak out at all in a way that would lighten moods or be struck by many good and practical ideas. Temporary post-gaming depressiveness? 

On the positive, even though it seems hard to acknowledge that there is as much of a good time ahead as there was in my past, the idea that I still might re-learn how to see the same world through others' eyes simultaneously to the way I see my own when connecting has been taking a hold in my mind. We'll see how that goes. Wheatbiscuit Senior once referred to my gaze as 'the eye of Sauron' in a led family talking exercise. Puh-leaze! 😄

______________

I've updated myself on most of the new journal posts you guys have made now, but a lot has already been touched on in the way of lessons, so I'll move to -

Gratitude:

~ Waking up peacefully enough

~ Thankful to have a usual fruit piece, tea and oatmeal start

~ If mild avoidance means no dangerous mania, so it shall go?

~ Alright, dishwashers and washing machines

Good luck all,

Matt

 

Edited yesterday at 05:10 AM by wheatbiscuit

[D_Cozy]

18 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

On the positive, even though it seems hard to acknowledge that there is as much of a good time ahead as there was in my past, the idea that I still might re-learn how to see the same world through others' eyes simultaneously to the way I see my own when connecting has been taking a hold in my mind. We'll see how that goes.

I liked reading this. It's what I've been practicing lately with understanding my current paradigm (how I view myself, assumptions about others and the world), and also testing that paradigm. I am still struggling with being reactive myself, most of those reactions coming out of assumptions and bad habits that I didn't even realize I had up until a few days ago.

But I have noticed progress in terms of being more attentive to my wife's perspective, and also admitting my mistakes sooner and learning from them by brainstorming what I can do to ground myself before reacting.

[wheatbiscuit]

7 hours ago, D_Cozy said:

I liked reading this. It's what I've been practicing lately with understanding my current paradigm (how I view myself, assumptions about others and the world), and also testing that paradigm. I am still struggling with being reactive myself, most of those reactions coming out of assumptions and bad habits that I didn't even realize I had up until a few days ago.

But I have noticed progress in terms of being more attentive to my wife's perspective, and also admitting my mistakes sooner and learning from them by brainstorming what I can do to ground myself before reacting.

This is a topic certain people and I have gone deeper and deeper with. On Saturday and Monday, a still-lively 60 year old gentleman in our group was projecting his voice (and kind of philosophy) well in conversation whilst still addressing each of us respectfully - the sort of manner I'd like to have but also taking in/registering information on people's faces and possibly their mental/emotional state at the same time.

It's a big ask of myself, even now as I look for new work. I know that I'll probably want to try and learn tricks of the trade again (for an easier day) so much that people will probably ask me questions instead of me finding out about them, the latter which feels better in the heart/soul if not my basic energies. The 60 year old told us a couple of things, as if confirming this, like 'you don't know how people will react to your (proactivity) attempts at relating', 'you'll understand (complex situations) when it happens/they happen to you'. Should I continue to try and have so much confidence in my mental processes to take in everything available before acting, or just make sure that I have a respectful response to basically every sentence I hear and hope for the best?

_______________

Otherwise, balancing literally watching where I and everyone else is going instead of searching full-on for any and all eye contact is still a concern. lol - I know this is a simpler issue but staying 'switched on' and gaining momentum for all of it is challenging to say the least. 

Edited 18 hours ago by wheatbiscuit
grammar

[wheatbiscuit]

Detox Day #9

(Night addition): I thought about measurable progress on my major game (even checking the home page for updates that might make it unplayable *sigh*), after re-concluding that few if any clicking activities are both intrinsically rewarding and complement each other easily. Big deal, especially if there are more low points that I'm not supported enough to climb out of. I told my Dad last week that I was detoxing, but he asked me today where in my room I'd like to be playing. Can I get a 'rotfl' up in this joint? Eventually I realised that I'm keeping progress tabs for most people in my life, and not just by how interesting they are - I've been wondering where my tabs are if not online!

After some more deliberation, I've showered, made cocoa and hope to fall into calming sleep before seeing if I can make it to a neighbouring suburb's swimming pool I've been with the old man a few times. I also became absorbed enough in ~15 pages of this strange new SK book before I got two texts from he and my brother which I just didn't know what to do with. I knew what 'faking it' would have me reply with, but this is text - I think I'm better at smiling in person with my eyes, mouth and murmurings. Anyway..

(Daytime): I couldn't make myself go upstairs to my local gym. I walked well for 45 minutes with my bag packed around town as a warm-up (which ought to be good enough, really, since last time I tried this I became panicky) and basically, I decided that the risk of anti-social outcomes exceeded the reward of the endorphin maximum of the planned workout. I'm sorry.

I'm still drinking the protein (with ice as I'm privileged to do at home) and typing instead of giving up the detox, because session or not, I technically improved on what I've been the last 4 months. I think the pain of this failure is warranted as I am always passionate about the idea of a non-anxious workout, but I hate it nonetheless. Hopefully somebody out there appreciated the maintenance of my calm at several moments.

Mostly everything at home now should yet prevail, and I purchased a few workbooks to write both reflections on the new social group's handbook, and re-learn some work with numbers, etc from textbooks. I have two novels to read too, even though I'm not sure how much escapism I really need. 

Gratitude:

~ Sushi at lunch

~ I was able to just watch most negative scenarios completely exit stage

~ Several painless job applications

~ Not doing too much harm from a very early walk and returning to bed

Over.

Matt

 

Edited 12 hours ago by wheatbiscuit
night addition

[D_Cozy]

11 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

The 60 year old told us a couple of things, as if confirming this, like 'you don't know how people will react to your (proactivity) attempts at relating', 'you'll understand (complex situations) when it happens/they happen to you'. Should I continue to try and have so much confidence in my mental processes to take in everything available before acting, or just make sure that I have a respectful response to basically every sentence I hear and hope for the best?

Nice, I like the way this 60yo gentleman thinks. Great to read that you are having these conversations with this support group you are with, it sounds like a great group to me.

Personally I think it's more realistic to keep trying; it is easier and more effective to learn through lived experience. And that's how I read what this 60yo gentleman is getting to.

The book I'm reading on 7 Habits says that proactivity is like a muscle; it will only get stronger if you train it in yourself.

The book also has something along the lines of "there is a time to teach and a time to be the student (to ask questions) and listen." The concept is straightforward to me, but it is a lot harder to actually apply it; specially with the bad habits I've built, I still slip up and interrupt or occupy my head with my thoughts mid-conversation and miss what the other person is saying. So I reflect on those experiences, admit and apologize for them, and then try to learn from them by practicing to seek understanding someone else first, before I seek to be understood (heard).

Edited 6 hours ago by D_Cozy

[wheatbiscuit]

Detox Day #10

There aren't enough words to describe how upset I am. When will my lack of indifference begin to counteract the indifference I perceive from others? When all self is forgotten and every moment is a righteous life-or-death battle? I understand that that was almost what high school etc. was like, but with the back-up of my parents/friends/schedule/schooling system. Must I now treat indifferent members of the public as though I were disciplining any of the few children in my life? 

I still prefer to move too quickly to effectively calm an adult child, and without my favourite game(s), I can't even do that. It didn't seem like I could get a medication review until next January, where there'll probably be no actual guarantee I can convince the psychiatrist and/or team that I'm unhealthy. The problem is, I cannot seem to bring myself back to my own (knowledgeable) standard of health. I don't want to have to wind up a crying/shouting mess before anyone even begins to try and lend a hand. Things are not going well enough. Will anyone please convince me otherwise?

_____________

Maybe I should mention that the one of the 60 year olds in my new social group was almost discouraging the group leader's purported vocal friendliness when he said that 'you don't know how other people will react', as he said it cautiously. Why should this ever be the case? Before I grew at odds with my mom and brother, before hospital, I was managing my other relationships rather well: friendliness and helpfulness, honesty and respect. We were also missing a man of the house, and I guess that position was being held out for above me. That was really too bad. After about a year of 'regular' medication post-hospital, I finally gave in to RPG gaming again (focusing on my own narrow interests), and my formerly very adequate social worker suggested more powerful medication because of 'low motivation'. I had learnt my 'lesson', is all. I mean, Christ.. I just don't want everything to turn completely ugly before I find my way.

So far, so abstained.

Edited 10 minutes ago by wheatbiscuit
grammar + info