Matt's Journal

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #6 and #7

Monday

• Met a new social group, travelling to a new place and spending 3 hours there
• Left a window open overnight to a usual strange effect on my sleep

Tuesday

• Made a morning trip straight to a further-away grocery store

To be updated; today, I may do some AFK thinking

Good luck with the week's start everyone.

Matt

Edited September 24 by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Day #8

Wednesday

• Tried a 5am alarm to jog, but ran up a hill too early, stopping (will try again as soon as I know it won't be raining (and maybe still if))
• Saw my psychologist - I may have actually entertained them, but we still moved through a lot
• Tried gym, but what can I blame: incidental low testosterone? I thought the variables were good but didn't find much strength
• Told a frequent associate that we should stick to planned phone calls (to talk serious/sincerely) as I was starting to resent texts
• Left a message for someone regarding their social program
• Did dishes without trouble

All in all, a longer, structured and valuable day to have - yes, I spent a few hours online, but as these new posts go, it is only relevant to say that I processed some feelings in my mind whilst at play. That also occurred during the exercise attempts. I could type more, but these new social groups have given me additional faith for partaking in offline outlets - my apologies! 😅

Good luck all,

Matt

 

 

[D_Cozy]

Hey wheatbuscuit, I am glad to see you are still around here.

I took a long break off forums and social media, but it left me feeling more isolated than ever. Eventually it resulted in going back to wasting a lot of time on the internet, to the point of procrastination destroying my productivity at my work for months. Something I'm working on restoring myself now.

So in regards to spending a few hours online with technology; I think what matters is how we use technology and why. A positive use of the internet is to chat and support one another here; but it can also be very negative (at least, in my case) to hang out in this forum/reddit/etc "doomscrolling" for posts to reply or upvote just because it feels good. I made a big mistake a while back and now I'm focusing on mindfully using these forums, with tools to assist me.

Anyways, this is what I've personally gotten from Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous, which is another support group that has been helping me recover; Identify and abstain from specific behaviors which trigger addicting and compulsive loops with technology and the internet.

Cheers

Edited September 26 by D_Cozy

[wheatbiscuit]

Days #9/10/11

Thursday: I honestly don't remember much about it now, 2 days later, which I'm ashamed of - but my chores have been done all the same.

Friday: The gold; attending a coffee meet and then a life skills program, out of the house with people from 10am-5pm. By the time the day was over, I felt healthy in the interactions department. However, I have missed being driven (almost by sheer loneliness!) in exercising this week - I may have done 2 weighted hour walks so far?

Saturday: ^ A late weighted walk, after my first real studio group fitness class in the morning. I have new inspiration in the form of split squats and perhaps giving up barbell shoulder press for dumb/kettlebells/plates. I also want to warm up to and properly give burpees another try now. Both outings today boosted my mood, but I began yet another in-game goal. When I let music that isn't my taste switch on and played at the same time, I actually felt kind of unwell. 

On 9/27/2024 at 2:52 AM, D_Cozy said:

I took a long break off forums and social media, but it left me feeling more isolated than ever. Eventually it resulted in going back to wasting a lot of time on the internet, to the point of procrastination destroying my productivity at my work for months. Something I'm working on restoring myself now.

So in regards to spending a few hours online with technology; I think what matters is how we use technology and why. A positive use of the internet is to chat and support one another here; but it can also be very negative (at least, in my case) to hang out in this forum/reddit/etc "doomscrolling" for posts to reply or upvote just because it feels good. I made a big mistake a while back and now I'm focusing on mindfully using these forums, with tools to assist me.

Anyways, this is what I've personally gotten from Internet and Technology Addicts Anonymous, which is another support group that has been helping me recover; Identify and abstain from specific behaviors which trigger addicting and compulsive loops with technology and the internet.

Yeah, isolation is like a root problem. People who feel strongly are a big source of motivation for me when I hang around with them. I would much rather balance emotions and logic than go to extremes with one alone, but even that is a feeling. Fact is, I'm a fan of the Midnight Oil lyric, "It's better to die on your feet (working) than to live on your knees!", which I take fairly literally too. Although, it's not like I haven't lived like that a lot already.

I was never that great at being rationally positive online beyond cheering people on in often strangely-expressed ways. I understand that it probably does help, but it takes away from my reserves of energy to support people I meet in person or know very well - authenticity too.

My main news app has been out of action on my phone the last 2 days, and I've actually found that tough for missing their particularly-worded articles, accessible at the tap of a finger. My gym reception buddy finished up today telling me that even anger (I assume he means the desperate/pleading kind - less destructive) is better than giving/offering nothing, but we both live with 'the 'tism', as he put it once. Even though I offer plenty, I am afraid to invest everything into any situation that IMO should be made to go well/receive my contributions, for potentially getting spurned or ridiculed.

As for compulsive loops, the repetition in my RPG is obvious. For example, I clicked to build a virtual dwelling - and instead of gradually improving and sharing every aspect of it (even online) with other players, I opted to repetitively 'rush' towards maximum benefit for myself alone. That may have covered the challenge of patience and also the pro of security (in a few ways). Honestly, like @Ikar said of his own ability, I know that more real and relevant achievements are very possible, I'm again just afraid of intense competition, wrongdoing and general off-sidedness between myself and others along the way. In short, I actually don't much want to be 'too good' - I want to see sufficiently good things for everyone.

Keep plugging man, and happy weekend all.

Matt

 

Edited Saturday at 08:08 AM by wheatbiscuit
grammar

[Ikar]

On 9/28/2024 at 10:05 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

As for compulsive loops, the repetition in my RPG is obvious. For example, I clicked to build a virtual dwelling - and instead of gradually improving and sharing every aspect of it (even online) with other players, I opted to repetitively 'rush' towards maximum benefit for myself alone. That may have covered the challenge of patience and also the pro of security (in a few ways). Honestly, like @Ikar said of his own ability, I know that more real and relevant achievements are very possible, I'm again just afraid of intense competition, wrongdoing and general off-sidedness between myself and others along the way. In short, I actually don't much want to be 'too good' - I want to see sufficiently good things for everyone.

I guess competition is relative, it just depends on what you want to achieve. Striving to be effective and efficient is not a bad character trait, but that involves a risk of being too narrowly focused. I think life taught most people here that lesson with (gaming) addiction. I think being able to handle repetition can be highly valued in today society, but ideally in combination with other skills 😄

As for wrongdoing, I think that depends on the field you are in. Yes, I need to find my own students as an English lecturer (or rather enable them to find me), but the advantage is that both of us can cut ties basically at any time (with no or a very small loss). No resentment can therefore even plant its seeds. I don't have any subordinates who envy me and no bosses who can push me around. I just need to listen to myself and treat myself well. As for jobs, bosses can of course suck, but it depends on individuals. But I think anything that reeks of multi-level-marketing supports (or at least skews people towards) wrongdoing.

[wheatbiscuit]

I want another 90 day detox. There are enough things worthy of my attention in the absence of my gaming habit. Day #0 - at Monday, 12 noon.

Sunday: I beat my 6am alarm by 15 minutes to prepare for a far-away event. At 8, I let myself be completely thrown by a text from my dad and called off both my adventure and his suggested one. I was trying to psych myself up for the trip out, and suddenly I felt it was irrelevant to the world. I called him instead of texting my reply, and it was poor. Once more (for a trend, perhaps) and I'll have learnt my lesson and may even stand up for myself. I walked, gave the gym an average try and showered - not many other offline successes to report.

Monday (in progress): It took me a whole month to finish Stephen King - 'Sleeping Beauties' from the library this morning. I don't regret taking that much time, but acknowledge that it disappoints me to merely imagine decent readers in my life really hearing that. I enjoyed it overall, and have another recent book from my nan of his ready to try.

________________

As with most patient/careful accomplishments - especially those I've posted about here over the months - I feel like celebrating; by gaming, typing here, or messaging distant friends. I sort of assured my job agent that my RPG 'story' will reach its conclusion soon, relative a word though that is, but all I believe is owed to her is to take her helpful suggestions and not make her role deliberately difficult. If I were to give up any one thing, it would be what doesn't require my soul's effort in its entirety. I've stood at a look-out point once and demanded, screaming at the sky, to know what is wanted from me. It's inside, not out. Some of the saddest information I've received from within is that for most of the time I've spent gaming since April/May, I haven't been able to hold strongly enough to the idea, and recall the effort of walking lunges and single-legged deadlifts holding 50kg, to carry them out - which is all my lower-body could ever need, really. 

What has cost me a lot of important things is obsession: obsession with easy recognition. Somehow, school (and being a virgin throughout) kept me brushing off praise (too, from outside and within) that I didn't deserve, but once I realised that I could psychobabble my life away to drown out real issues, post-relationship, my gaming was just something to occupy what remained of my energy. I still ended up unsatisfied, until I thought that the character I'd 'developed' was worthy - it really wasn't. I've only been growing more afraid of real work. Today, I took 10% of a bus trip out somewhere to go jogging in the still-dark to disembark and walk home, buying some milk on the way back. That was progress, but the questions remain as to why I barely felt any positive thrill and why I thought permission from friends/family/anybody was necessary to go and explore. I think, at least, it's because I can tangentially explore inside in ways family/friends don't do in the same way, precisely, and that I owe it to them to keep doing so until we are on the same wavelength. My 20+ year old RPG doesn't help me to achieve that.

I revisited another previous question, reaching the end of this last book - 'Is life just something that happens between the maternity ward and the crematorium?' Take out the 'just', and technically yes, I could accept that. But we all inherit a part of the world, don't we? I don't want to keep spending my inheritance the way I have about 30% of the last 4 months. I accept my natural/nurtured handicaps, and am committed to the lasting health of myself and others. Back soon.

Matt

Edited Monday at 03:24 AM by wheatbiscuit
Detox

[D_Cozy]

On 9/28/2024 at 4:05 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

My gym reception buddy finished up today telling me that even anger (I assume he means the desperate/pleading kind - less destructive) is better than giving/offering nothing, but we both live with 'the 'tism', as he put it once. Even though I offer plenty, I am afraid to invest everything into any situation that IMO should be made to go well/receive my contributions, for potentially getting spurned or ridiculed.

I will probably sound like a meditation coach here, and that is because I do meditate a lot haha; but anger is an emotion, and one that is normal to feel. It doesn't have to be good or bad; it just is a type of energy.

I do get what you mean too, in terms of being spurned and ridiculed. We can't control what others think of us, but we can influence that with the way we carry and behave. I felt a bit stressed this morning due to being embarassed by incorrectly putting the wrong date for an appointment I was going to attend (it's actually tomorrow, but I was still embarassed). Usually situations like these lead me to think really low of myself, my ADHD makes things like staying on comitments hard to begin with, so I'm super self concious about it.

In the past it's situations like these where I heavily question myself that cause me to relapse into doomscrolling and undoing a lot of the good habits I've built. This morning, I turned that energy into something productive, and practiced refining my Circle of Influence. If you are curious about that, it's posted at my current journal, latest post as of today.

[wheatbiscuit]

Gaming Detox Day #1 (Edited through to evening)

I got a decent sleep, and (as detoxing before) it felt almost 2 hours longer (didn't look at the clock properly) but wasn't. The new 2nd weekly social group I went to heard me talk for a bit about my addictive play yesterday, and where we're concerned, 'winning' the next week can be finishing reading the current book I've got by next Monday afternoon, I guess. My thoughts briefly went to the sub-goals I had made on the game once or twice, but I knew I'd much rather psych myself up for gym or type here. Icky fact? I had left-over sushi cake from the group for breakfast. 😄 It feels alright digesting so far.

Edit: The rest of October 1, Day #1:

After more shameless carbing, I got to the park and its hill for an hour with 15 minutes either side for a weighted walk. Some rumination, which has been a problem since living alone, game or no game. Considered gyming too, but on top of this next Stephen King book being at its nerviest part, I don't think I'm up to a super serious workout at peak time in the evening. It's only day #1. So, I've made some tea and might aim for an earlier sleep - which'll work well if I get a regular walk in before the dentist tomorrow. Peace, guys.

Gratitude:

~ The other social group members seeming to beat their shyness to make it what it was

~ Patiently waiting ~6 hours since lunch (which came easily enough while talking and listening) to share dinner

~ Not seeing any major grief in the still-unfamiliarish suburb in the later stages of the day

~ Being able to wear my hooded jumper comfortably

Hoping we can win the day/week/month (happy 1st!),

Matt

Edited Tuesday at 08:07 AM by wheatbiscuit
Evening info added

[wheatbiscuit]

Detox Day #2

Morning: Really milked it for every extra 10 minutes of rest. I dreamt almost nothing that I can remember, so I'm not up on the wrong side of the bed. Activities that will keep me from ruminating (fictional or not) look important - things that have less emotional attachment, maybe like the high school math books I bought awhile back. Maybe. Halfway through the fiction book I said I'd read already - 'no lifed' it like an RPG yesterday. That's addictive too, is what I mean.

Afternoon: First weights session without RPGing. Pretty focused, but was difficult to psych up for even with the warmup, and I had a little concentration headache or something. It was external and internal cable rotations, bicep curls, upright rows and shoulder press for like 90 minutes with stretches at the end. I'll try lower body tomorrow if I can.

Gratitude:

~ reading Stephen King is funny for me sometimes; I mostly love and sometimes dislike his phrases and jokes, but can still only guess at what my former gaming buddy didn't like about SK, as he recommended some stories to me as well. As I sort of said, it's usually a joy to talk with other people who read often and find out what their thoughts are

~ It rained while I was waking up, but then no more after my day's start

~ Dentist okayed my teeth, said to brush twice!

~ Both my dad and brother texted me at a good time this morning, and I was able to reply, wake up and engage a little. I pondered supernatural influence.

I'll be back later if pressed. GL all

Matt

Edited Wednesday at 06:27 AM by wheatbiscuit

[wheatbiscuit]

Detox Day #3

Morning: Not so much of an all-reviving sleep, but far from bad. I finished reading the SK book, so I think I can tell you guys it was 'Billy Summers'. No spoilers - I almost did for my Dad because he actually never read it, even if he may have recommended it to me. I'll still say that one thing about it for me was feeling being played a bit for a fool, which I didn't notice while reading Sophie's Choice. Can't be all raw entertainment, I guess. I also tried the gym, sweating instantly from concentrating on a leg warm-up, followed by some semi-decent calf raises. Then I tried some pull-downs and got out of there within 40 minutes or so. I really don't feel much better anymore by bashing my chosen RPG repeatedly, but it is probably a lot to blame for backing off certain forms of exercise too soon/easily. It was pleasurable, but maybe I can't continue to believe that it's true happiness - like the start of a nice day without what I'm going to click on next clouding my mind. I have 1 or 2 things on each day this week except for Sunday, which is fine because I could probably force a little cardio then. I thought a couple of times about the last monster-killing task I could have aced as a maximum-levelled player with the right sword, but have remembered that it's only a series of images repeated and beginning with a click. Music though, I still need an outlet for/with, because for a moment in the gym the stuff in there almost killed me.

Peace til later,

Matt