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Posted (edited)

June 24 - Day #3

Waking up today felt blessed, and I'm putting that largely down to yesterday's efforts and being with others in person - maybe also because it all happened on a Sunday. Determined not to waste it, I microwaved oats then went straight to the nice, green park to walk laps. I only stopped slightly sooner than planned because of two intimidating-looking dogs on the path; I took the fear into consideration for a good enough moment to decide. 

I've been cleaned up and settled, knowing that I could even finish reading + writing down the road rules today. But whilst driving competently would be a huge confidence boost, I also fear negative emotions that might arise behind the wheel in traffic, say, for me - you know, what with almost random tangential thinking. And focus can be a double-edged sword if I try to beat those fears away with it. Mainly though, I just want an actual license to call my own, and the returned ability to drive if urgently required. Driving in the end, when I first learnt, still felt a lot like a game to me when I was ready for it, and I didn't feel good deep down about getting 'hot under the collar' with any adequate skill. I don't see myself as a better 'walker' or public transport-taker than anyone else, but driving.. Anyway.

__________

Gratitude:

~ except for the indecision (maybe a big deal!) before getting to the park in the green and sun, playing the computer (because I have no gaming consoles) hasn't seemed important - which is good because I always truly wanted offline experiences to go OK for me first and foremost

~ the source of my stranger feelings was probably having delayed showering because we had no hot water in our building over the weekend - that also said, I appreciated it way more today

~ maybe I hope it's a phase of pleasure, but reading (or is it the re-reading part) 'IT' again has mainly been for the thought/excitement of certain parts, not the moral/overall story - I do know how it goes mostly, after all - I just know that reading is an important thing to do and want to have it as an continual option 

~ I only rediscovered that some of my medication should be taken with food - while feeling low, I was sitting on them with only a cup of tea in the morning for up to 2 hours. It's been a week, and maybe that's made a difference. I don't want to 'talk up' gaming so much if it was as well, since we're here, so we'll see after some more time

Peace,

Matt

 

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June 25 - Day #4

I think I've been 'avoiding' my more local gym in favour of one an extra kilometre away for a month now, for mainly social reasons. I think it's because I got too comfortable with the staff and the layout there to continue to complete serious workouts without distractions - in a manner of speaking. This other gym has been more of a mid-way (another, even 'better' gym is 3 kilometres extra) journey since I first went in 6-8 weeks ago.

I went and worked out this morning despite signing online and playing occurring to me because I wanted to be happier for today's job-search appointment - simple enough. I just feel it less-strongly because it wasn't a super heavy lifting session. This current streak is about doing everything productively important that I can think of before truly playing anything, online or offline, so I would have stayed put and been miserable/bored if I hadn't trained.

Yesterday left 2 short sections of 20/200 pages total to read in the road user's handbook, and I plan to be on that again to leave 1 or no sections remaining by tonight. I'm just wondering whether to do any more walking/jogging before dark, because I went out later last night after reading and I think it made me tireder this morning. 

_______________

Gratitude:

~ my brain seems mostly sure of what it is doing, and I have stuck a sheet of paper on the wall in front of me at the desk with the 5 needs gaming shouldn't be relied upon to fulfil, reminding me

~ the same loud member was training again at the gym, and with a friend too, but again no real trouble

~ the free hooded sweater I got last Xmas, if I haven't mentioned; it fits better in my sleep

~ unsaturated fats 🙃

Good luck with the week's start

Matt

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June 26 - Day #5

I saw my psychologist today, and it went pretty naturally. They finally want to record a timeline of life feelings as opposed to just events for reference, so the second half of the hour was focused narration. I know it's not like the world now desperately needs more of my 'story' out there, but in the clinic there apparently is some now. Great 🤪 But I staggered back outside feeling secure, which is unusual.

Last night I had a demotivated feeling that I just couldn't work out, and I signed in for an hour of 'ghost-busting'. The only negative that came of it was briefly the old kind of rumination. I still don't think going to bed early depressed was the better option. The feelings passed within minutes, and while I didn't study the last two chapters of the road user's handbook, I've since almost finished all ~1400 pages of IT, over 1.5 weeks. 'Kids... The magic exists.'

Today called for another weighted walk around the park for some green and sunshine. There were two ladies with 2-3 nice dogs each, and two male youths kicking the footy for a bit - a balance in the shared space, plus other less-conspicuous people on foot. Later for my part, I subscribed to a new daily job site alert email in my last predicted waking hour. It had to be something done on my own - chores too, I guess.

______________

Gratitude:

~ none of the many small 'bad omens' came to full menace-level bad

~ remembering to buy food in the quiet hours

~ everyone doing work on the true job grind, like the psychologist's

~ a painless 1-page written journal entry this morning to take to the session

No ghost-busting tonight necessary, with nothing to avoid except what I would call undue force. Good luck all,

Matt

 

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June 28 - Day #0

Two activities I've picked up in the last ~2 weeks have been listening to 'Alan Watts Chillstep' videos on Youtube, and taking my weights vest to the park instead of more streets, so that the trees, grass and sunshine could improve how I felt. Watts speaks about some pretty sincere things, and a lot of it I would say can be maddening - just like traffic and perceived-unfriendly people on the street.

There's a movie starring Johnny Depp called 'Chocolat', and the 'wrap-up' quote (of sorts) is, "Listen, here's what I think. I think that we can't go around... measuring our goodness by what we don't do. By what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think... we've got to measure goodness by what we *embrace*, what we create... and who we include." -> This could be just as disruptive and dangerous to addicts of anything, just as the two seemingly conflicting statements of: 1) "Fear makes people do terrible things", and "Do you know what keeps a person decent? Fear." Granted, they are each quotes from 2000s movies.

Those could all be 'hunky-dory' if it weren't for the purported addictive and fear-engendering design of which and whatever. I would come right out and say that "I'm sick" of operating on that 'knowledge', and start doing whatever I felt was right, but my circumstances are not representative of everybody. It's just that the things that have made the most impression on me have also not often seen in sufficient light for me to really get to discuss them properly and healthily.

____________

I finished reading 'IT', and sadly some of the most anticipated pages for me were those describing the would-be diagnosable socio/psychopathic youth character, Patrick. To try and convince everyone here, I did still read it in horror of the concepts, but mostly I just wanted to witness some honesty (I would say Stephen King does this) spoken on the subject. 

I also read and thought a bit about the 'ID, Ego and Superego'. Could that really be as simple as assigning a 'voice' to each, like remembering the needs that gaming serves and doing something like dubbing one opinion outnumbered by two, or as Alan Watts sort of implies, letting one 'run the show' at a time? This sort of thing, again, would be great if everyone were able to chat away at it openly - but maybe we're all as equally scared of the notion of evil people and being taken advantage of. That's certainly part of why I've delayed just walking outside and 'getting on with a/the day', and typed this the way I have.

______________

I was initially going to try and post a formal essay here on the topic of relapse - like something I would have submitted as an assignment or in an examination. That was to take the place of feelings of guilt for having taken what was mainly the 'easy' path of gameplay yesterday. I even dubbed the boost (dopamine or otherwise) I got from it and my favourite music alongside as 'useful'. Maybe it's not just the pain/discomfort of things like cold showers, but of what is experienced from more frequently selecting what is hard/a challenge, barring the consequences of potentially 'being disliked'. For a long time, I had made peace with being disliked until I found people online and eventually offline who accepted and appreciated my efforts. I got used to that, at the expense of continued growth.

This new streak/day count? I'm not sure - I've just had the idea of writing down how I decided what is a (healthy) challenge before undertaking it, so that I have evidence to show myself and perhaps others, but suffice it to say that I should usually be aiming for delayed gratification. I am only wary of acting overly and annoyingly surprised by others' triumphs and positive things taking place outside of my control, as I have seen. It felt good to eventually type this out - quite like meeting 'gaming needs'. 

___________

Gratitude:

~ the unweighted walk I went for last night, to finish the day positively

~ realising again yesterday, after much deliberation, how far I have to go in terms of 'community feeling', but achieving wisdom still looks scary to me

~ if it isn't the 'rest' that I earned over the years, then for rest/time allowed on its own

~ having an inner compass I can try to rely on

TGIF, I guess.

Matt

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Posted (edited)

June 29 - Day 0.5?

You know, I am sorry. I typed my last post on Friday morning, typing just to type - because I didn't really abstain from anything, except by not subjecting friends and family to what I share here. That said, I started today reading about my city/country's drug problem(s), which made me really sad - but I didn't start a conversation about it - and I went to gym for my favourite workout (RDLs), made a bit easier by waking up mostly renewed. I've just remembered that before my 2nd trip outside to the library, I went straight for erotic material once I had 'taken stock' of predictable possibilities for the rest of the day. There was a difference between today and yesterday in that I simply wanted to 'put it from my mind', which is more usual, than from addiction/dependence.

But following that, I sent an email to the friend I made at the gym to check in after my last reply sent many weeks ago. I think there is value to be shared there. Then I tidied up the apartment some, and went to the library for 1 borrowed and 1 free book to read, because I was out of books that I was interested in reading/re-reading. Together with gym, and no games yet, I'm counting half of a day. I wouldn't be acknowledging any progress here at all if I didn't still care. Even though much of last year's 5-month detox remained unhealthy, it was ultimately a 'won battle'. The library books are 'The Institute' (Stephen King again) and 'Monkey Mind' (a freebie on anxiety - Daniel Smith). I'm more likely to share about anxiety stuff than constant reviews of S.K., but whichever.

Last night, I read an article about death by one's own hand; you should all know the word. I still usually think that using it gives it power - unless as I recall overusing the word when describing a (almost any kind of 'risky') 'bad idea' as a younger kid. I mention it because I almost decided I felt it was too difficult for me to read through, but then thought that it would be better to know one's (ultimate) enemy in today's world. Maybe I should attribute my brain's reboot, as I slept, to finishing reading it. 

I also thought some more about the value of comfort in silence - either complete or the meditative kind, despite being around noise from other sources. It is for this reason, aside from raw entertainment, that's got me enthusiastic about the 2nd best but perhaps most suitable S.K. book for the time being. I also couldn't play my online game alone in silence after I relapsed for the first time after my detox (it was more of a relapse then because I said in my first post that I want to find the idea of gaming 'ludicrous', sooner or later), unless I was talking/typing to people at the same time - you know, thinking with social muscles. As I'm sure I've said to multiple people, I don't think many people on my old game are truly happy. Certainly, I was afraid I had insufficient permission to go out on my own and be myself this past week without being able to say 'Oh, it was a hard slog at work today' if the conversation(s) steered in that direction. 

Finishing up, I know that I want to work in physical education, even if all I do is make contacts and revitalise my own health whilst doing so. I just don't know where else everybody's challenging themselves is more visible and motivating to me. I value process though, and if I become known (again?) for just jumping into things, it'll be more difficult to make the real me known to people I'm involved with. I used to call my old job 'playing', but right before (and thereafter) we renovated, it was clear that much, much more driving energy was required of me, just to quickly arrange food with speedy hands. Reception and gym maintenance (as opposed to PT) positions are less common. Still, I think I witnessed one PT eating a take-out burger and soda on premises, no less, as I was leaving. When to start? Heh.

_____________

A short story for you, that I also told my Dad: "Three zen monks were passing a river, and noticed a woman trying to cross. One monk picks her up, and escorts her through it upon his shoulders. Afterward, a second monk tells him, "You shouldn't have done that, it's not the zen way" - to which he replies, "Yes, but I let her down on the other side of the river, and you're still carrying her!" -> Plus a song lyric from an old vibing favourite, "If we have chosen to live against the grain, then why are we all facing the same way?"

______________

Gratitude:

~ Waking up without sluggishness

~ Agreeable weather

~ Finding myself decisive in choosing from S.K. books at the library
~ Either it's just me, or many many other people are also 'righteously indignant' that we all don't operate on the same standards (which might benefit one person, in the moment), and are resigned to forgiveness as we pass by - something to think about

Yaws twoo-ly

Matt

 

 

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June 30 - Day #1 (should be)

It's relatively cold, wet and windy out. I woke up clear-headed enough, but as soon as breakfast was over, I went for the adult websites without thinking - but no games, considering those 5 needs. What should have scared me was how quickly I decided on that and how natural it seemed. Sure, technology served me this time, but the people who created the material have still probably gone through a lot.

I've recently thought of many things I could say to friends and family to amuse myself whilst still fostering (for me) positive kinds of relationships, but I've learnt that they haven't really worked for the two-sided strength of them yet. I texted a 'local' buddy from gaming last night, and he eventually 'took aim' at my main decisions within my/our game as opposed to outside of it, which is what I really wanted to talk about. Could I blame him after having known me for 10+ years, and maybe 5 of solid maturity? I dunno.

It's just that over the years I grew into a person who sometimes used too much force (of personality or physicality) while hardly knowing it. When just 'doing my thing', I rarely feel like 'poor little me' until I consider the pains other people are going to because of beliefs that they are necessary - walking, talking and working/operating in certain ways/manners. Then I think "I do very few of those consciously", though it was only after changing medication a couple of years ago that a lot more of my actions became mindful and thus often painful. It's still way better than I was living almost 10 years ago without meds, but couldn't it stand to reason that I could get by now without them, with a bit more control over any manic behaviour? Still, yesterday I banked on this being a quiet Sunday - the hours are just stretching somewhat further.

_____________

Gratitude:

~ The S.K. book reeled me in and put me in a good mood before sleep, but it's still at a funny introductory point and I'm not sure if I'm 'being had' or not

~ Another 'clear' start to the day, and I'd have liked almost nothing better than to meaningfully 'babble' with somebody ASAP, but this'll have to do

~ I've even read some of everyone's posts on my phone this week, but haven't located the 4 most recent posts column on it, so only saw them a half hour ago - I'm not signed in on it because phone texting usually bothers me and the temptation might hold too much sway

~ This one track from a band 'Miss May I' came on shuffle on my evening walk, and I played another 5 or 6 of them loudly without too many negative effects - could it have been obvious to passersby that I was enjoying myself? lol

Good luck all,

Matt

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July 2 - Day #1

I spent half of Sunday, and all of Monday finishing reading 'The Institute'. When I say all of Monday, I mean every concentrated part of it except for a 90 minute walk in the sun. So I've recorded a solid day off of both of my vices, to be 1.5 or 2.5 tomorrow (I could barely function this morning and wrote it off, so to speak), if I keep away from that/whether I come back here Wednesday morning or night. 

I messaged my Dad back today without maybe putting him off by sounding too whiny, and as I should have predicted (but want to receive back from him, in turn), felt pretty vulnerable before I set up here with a hot drink. I'm set to return to the library after 3 days to hopefully pick up 'Can't Hurt Me' (David Goggins), which I reserved some weeks ago, so I might understand more about certain things.

____________

Gratitude:
~ milk + cocao

~ enjoying but also critical of the novel, like I used to be, not only escaping and reading the 'good' parts/dialogue

~ picking up medication later in the day wasn't as painful

~ finding it in me to make another handful of applications - nice places though still

Good luck all,

Matt

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July 3 - Day #2

7:05pm - Taking a break from reading David Goggins; I sometimes flick to a random page ahead for a short glimpse of what's to come, and I saw it, but I dunno if I'll reach that point tonight. What with the end of chapter challenges - one being 'the cookie jar' - I've been feeling it's good to take regular breaks from self improvement books. I remember trying to get through Neil Strauss, and cringing badly. Again I dunno, but while a lot of this stuff is good, some just doesn't bear thinking about much.

Anyway, no gaming today or yesterday, but still wanted arousal off of my brain ASAP, so Day #1 at noon Tuesday became Day #2 on Wednesday night. It's not perfect, but I'm usually noting what I like offline as well. Today was another dumbbell row (high controlled reps) and bench press day, another 'old reliable '- even if not super-sets. I upped it slightly and achieved, even though I paid for my 3 or 4 days off by throwing up. But what I wanted to say was that I loved basically everybody in the gym today, probably influenced by the mood Goggins' book put me in. I wish I could feel that all of the time and stay sane and healthy. 

_____________

Gratitude:

~ I got to sweat and turn red, looking like my workout was difficult when really it was my '40%' effort (I could have done without puking, but today the cacao wasn't working with my motion)

~ I am embarrassed but kind of gleeful at the effect reading has on my expressive word choice - maybe since yesterday me and my Dad tried harder to communicate and level. There probably is a lot of wisdom for people, that I've forgone in attempt to remain sure of myself

~ Not getting very wet between several rainfalls 

~ The cold water at (one of) the gym's bubblers

Should be seeing you tomorrow, 

Matt

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July 4 - Day #3

Well, I've stayed clean today, but I slept for what felt like way too long. As usual, some weird thought got me up so I could check it against the waking world, and I've sort of waltzed through a rest day from gym (although I could have gone, it's just been my default schedule - A, B, A, B; rest on B days while A1 = lower body and A2 = upper body, generally).

After such a sleep, I got a silent weighted walk done with ease, then printed some resumes, cleaned up and eventually checked out the mall food court again to see if I could hand any out. In the end, I just looked up a few restaurants I could see on my phone and I'll apply to two locations each online in a bit.

But yeah, the last night's sleep scared me a little, and that fear's been a recurring thing to shape me up for several weeks, maybe months, before I forget about it. If I could rely on a cheerful alarm clock noise, I would set it starting tomorrow. It's just that once a hard bit of exercise is over, and having actually scheduled it, it's way too easy for me to hop online to games or erotica to fill in time when tired/hungry, until I or someone else comes up with another good challenge.

I am torn over starting to dedicate time to self-directed study (like old high school Maths) as opposed to creatively picking and choosing whatever seems interesting when I'm bored. Goggins liked repetitive learning, but even now I haven't forced myself to finish the road rules, pass the multiple choice computer test and get on the road.

I am afraid of really winning multiple days, weeks and months and then suddenly taking a mental health blow out of nowhere (not just a minor one, I mean), which might leave me and everyone in my life thunderstruck. It turned out that for some reason half of my family missed half of my texts over the last 2 months, which wouldn't have been so bad if we all felt empowered enough to literally knock on each other's doors on a Sunday morning, but... So there have been a lot of catch-up vibes and more texts this week.

Not much else to say, but maybe I'll finally speak to the old care managers at the health centre tomorrow about my meds and stuff. Last week's social group event was a movie, location and attire I didn't like and skipped, but this Saturday's is mainly just a gathering. I've maybe sensed some more 'Winter blues' for a few of us, but I'm not sure. We'll see.

_____________

Gratitude:

~ Really, seriously, not waking up dead 😄 

~ Getting around all day comfortably in my 'back up' jacket, while the first 2 are washing

~  A presented future challenge perhaps of talking one of the social group around whether to stay with it or not

~ Not letting a few jarring noises on the street rattle me too much

Good day all,

Matt

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July 5 - Day #3

I am trying to avoid counting unhatched chickens, as after my last post and the online applications, I tasted too much victory and went for some erotica. So if I can stay off of games (as I'm counting the combination of these two vices in the same day as a complete relapse) today, I'll make it 'Day #3.5'. I could apportion blame to other people if I did relapse, but really what's holding me back is not wanting to upset anyone into using obviously-available means to further mess me around, by telling my truth. Again, feeling disregarded by others' by being vocally told that I was, is what led my hospitalisation. The only real new piece of information I got is that sometime in the medium-term future I'll need to earn more to continue to solo rent. So I'll be trying not to just 'write off' days at a time in my search - though I still could use a pick-me-up right now that is a bit more than a daily cacao drink.

___________

Gratitude:

~ a mostly undisturbed walk in the bigger park

~ I finished David Goggins' book; good ending - stretch those muscles

~ that I can still write properly, in my journal and diary dates, under my own steam

~ pet dogs - OK, specifically I'm pretty sure I passed a dog-walking business in action on the way home. Gooooood doggies.

Happy Friday all,

~ Matt

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July 9 - Day #2 (without my game of choice)

I signed in and used one hour each time on Friday and Sunday. In the spirit of things, I say that I was simply lost and without enough direction those two nights. I borrowed a new book from the library - '10 Rules for Talking' by Tim Harkness. It's instructive but kind of humorous as well, and it has reminded me of someone I met who regularly used to actually ask 'What do you want to talk about?' The book's first rule recommends a clear and agreed purpose for conversations to be had.

I'm far from saying that I want every future conversation to go strictly according to these 10 rules (I have now summarised, stuck to my wall) plus others, but they sound like good ideas for when I and people like me are otherwise adequately satisfied and don't want to mess up our next prolonged interaction. Maybe. 

In the meantime, as I am applying myself more to finding suitable work and improving my general functioning, it looks as though there's some carryover from non-fiction/self-improvement books such that I do consider games to be a less-valuable use of my time/effort. I would definitely not mind getting all of the 'right' positive feelings whilst I am 'AFK'. 

___________

I just finished my ~50 A4 pages of written notes on the road rules, for which the main reason of feeling drained this afternoon is that these are rules that I specifically may have to worry a lot about in the future. I am thankful for all of the minds out there that have handled systems better than me. 😛 

Gratitude:

~ Being able to somewhat anchor my mind throughout the day from reading and routine

~ Meals tasted nice today

~ At the gym twice in two days thanks to meeting up there

~ Not feeling like complaining too much

Good luck all,

Matt

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July 11 - Day #4 (3:30pm)

I finally finished 'Monkey Mind - A Memoir of Anxiety' just now. It was what I've called indulgent reading, like Sophie's Choice without as much tragedy - as I told my dad yesterday. I am hoping that someone else will/has read this book so that we could talk about it. 'The solution' was basically paying proper attention to thoughts - making the previously subconscious -> more conscious.

But almost more importantly were the way the author's feelings were expressed and resonated. The timeline was something like ages 16 to 25 for Daniel, and thinking about the same period for me threatens overflow, but it was mostly fun, even if at many times unhealthy. He admits to his new selfishness in making beating anxiety his life's main priority, until he dreams about the girlfriend he split up with on (attempted) account of it, and goes back with the strict intention of winning/settling/hoping for simple friendship. The 3rd and 4th last sentences were: "How many of those (life's 'scourges', e.g. death and sickness) afflicted me now? None. How many were designed to afflict me personally? None." Those are not everyone's story, but I would like to think that they are a good guarding mantra against persecutory delusions.

Anyway, no games yesterday or so far today (the definition of the word I still 'play' with to either include or exclude physical exercise, for example, but will always mean the few that I grew too attached to). Game-quitting forums so they are.

___________

Gratitude:

~ Finishing reading with time to 'psych up' for a late gym visit

~ The thought of sharing another mutually-read book

~ Beverages

~ Beating away some fear and apprehension on an improvised jog

Good luck all,

Matt

 

 

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July 13 - Day #6 (3:23pm)

How do I feel about almost a week without honing in on a game? Good enough. Without a doubt, there have been enough positives. I just finished listening/occasionally watching the images in a 40-minute philosophy talk (Alan Watts again) that I've come back to like 10 times, while previously gaming - dangerous but for some small amount of closure too, I think. I had the intention of using my ears as well as my eyes to take in wordy descriptions, so that I might have the drive for a couple of solid reading hours of my current library book.

There is the seemingly strong enough chance of a reunion that I got the invite to this week, and it's had me assessing myself and how I might relate to everybody in the chat group after as much self-motivating, basic work and significant memories (both of groups and my own) I would have to speak of. It's made me want to take further care of the rest of the year (as I assume it will take place before the end of) and what relationships I believe are ongoing.

I had a good exercise session today at a sunny park with just enough energy remaining, and talked to a stranger for awhile as I left. If I skated over most of the details to summarise, it was another reminder to be appreciative of what we have. Which brings this post to ---

Gratitude:

~ warmth of weather and the creation of new memories via challenges and conscious attention

~ an ideal 2 local jobs for which I applied

~ surviving a late night and intense dreams, overcoming tiredness

~ the monthy/quarterly community club newsletter I got in the mail with a good story inside about a person I met

Good luck this weekend,

Matt

 

 

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