Hey everyone. I ended up relapsing a couple times since last writing in this public journal. A grand experiment to see if I could game moderately, which (surprise!) didn't really pan out. As I type this, I only have one sleep between the last time I gamed and now, despite the session lasting less than half an hour.

Being shoved into a steep depression after being heavily medicated for a manic episode. A lack of diligence in maintaining my spiritual condition. A longing for community and a sense of purpose, progression in life. A lack of serious consideration to the long-term repercussions to gaming. Recognizing all these things, I believe I have a rough idea of the circumstances that lead up to my relapsing.

This past week, gaming's lost a lot of its appeal and lustre. It feels like some of the ground work I've been working on with an addictions counselor has started to yield results. I've been following her suggestions to expand the daily activities in my life. Connecting with friends, going to AA meetings, and getting more physically active. When I was working with Cam, he had me do much of the same thing, as well as trying out new things to broaden my interests, get out of my shell.

When I take the time to connect with God, He's still there. I have been finding more time to do so as a result of gaming less, and making it a priority in my life. His presence provides great solace and comfort. I am glad that my relapse did not sever my awareness of my connection with Him. It's a subtle thing these days. A quiet assurance in my heart.

I have a Japan trip planned for October with some friends. I am looking forward to eating lots of delicious food and making memories with the gang. And maybe buying a new knife 😄. I have been revisiting some Pimsleur lessons to learn Japanese; I hope to have at least basic phrases for getting around when we get there.

I'm not sure how frequent I will be with these journal entries. I'd like to get it going again, and perhaps keep to it a little longer this time. I think part of why I relapsed was lack of community around recovery from gaming specifically. Hopefully as time goes on I won't lose sight of that. Glad to see some familiar users are still active on the forums.

Later days!

Day 2.

I was pretty blessed with a calm, chill day yesterday. Spent a lot of it outside just hanging out, intermittently praying, meditating, and chatting on Discord. I also wrote in my personal journal, read the daily reflection in Twenty-Four Hours a Day, and cooked a spaghetti dinner for my dad and I.

Though it is day 2 of no gaming, I did not relapse in drinking (or use any drugs) so my sobriety day for my alcoholism did not change (May 23, 2016). There's an AA Discord server that's been really good over the past few years that I like to chat on/go to meetings on. Lots of folks to talk to at most hours of the day. I spent most of the summer inside, gaming a lot, so I'm enjoying getting outside for the tail-end of the season. It's good to see @wheatbiscuit and a few others still active on the forums. Though it's less immediate than chatting on a Discord server, I think the slower pace and more thoughtful nature of writing forum posts has its merits. You can take your time to organize and express your thoughts more, I find.

I tried to reset my PC to clear off all the games a couple times, but it failed both. I ended up having to manually uninstall all the games on it. Originally I bought my PC to game and to try out a Linux distro. I might just remove Windows and make it a dedicated Linux box, likely a distro that doesn't support gaming as much. Or set it up as a dual-boot machine so I can have all three environments: MacOS, Linux, and Windows. We'll see. Maybe when I am more secure in my gaming sobriety I'll try my hand at development again. I did go to school for it back in the early part of the decade.

There's been a couple butterflies that have been hanging out in the backyard a lot yesterday and today. White in colour, floating about the weed garden we have and the proper gardens of our back fence neighbours. And the crows and magpies have been slowly picking away at the cherries in our cherry tree. A nice cool breeze while I hang out in the shade, clear skies. It's pretty nice out here at the moment.

I'll leave it there for now. Until the next one!

Day 3.

Yesterday was a good one. I got a workout in at my friend's place before we went out for Korean food for his wife's birthday. I spent a lot of time just hanging out and having fun with friends! I'm feeling a bit tired today, though. Socializing usually takes a lot out of me.

Same as usual, journaling out in the backyard. The butterflies did a little dance earlier which was cool to see, spinning really fast flying beside each other. It was neat to witness. All the little bits of life I get to see when I'm paying attention and being outside. I'm grateful to have the company of my dad's dog too. She's a bit spunky sometimes, but generally she's pretty content just chilling with me. A good companion for sure.

I've been making an effort to go to some voice meetings on the AA Discord server as well. It's been nice getting back into the swing of things. I'm spending a fair bit of time chatting on Discord on non-gaming servers. Seems to be an easy way to spend some time.

Signing off. 🙂 

Day 4.

I slept in today. 12 hours of sleep 😅. I think I needed it though. It's been good so far; same routine in the morning of journaling, reading the morning meditation, prayer etc. The butterflies flew up really high and dive bombed today! It was hard to keep track of them because they flew up really high.

Lots of chatter for the Japan trip this morning too. The group chat was coordinating renting cars for a road trip while we're there. The plan is to visit the inspiration/real world locations of the Initial D anime. I can't recall if I mentioned, but most of the people I'm going on the trip with are big car enthusiasts. I think it'll be fun to ride along; I still don't have my license back. I'm personally looking forward to eating a lot of good food, visiting temples, and just generally exploring Japan.

I went to a couple voice meetings yesterday. Lots of experience, strength, and hope shared, good stuff. I also read some of the AA history book I got for Christmas last year. Lots of interesting stuff about the early parts of the fellowship, and one of the founding members. I'm hoping to get back into reading again.

And, of course, spending a fair bit of time chatting away on Discord. It seems to be the 'screen time' of choice for me at the moment. I think it's good, a mix of that and in-person socializing is a healthy way of going about things I think.

See you later.  じゃあ、また

Hey Daniel, I just finished reading through a few entries in your journal and I’ve got to say — the way you describe your days has this calm, grounded quality to it. Even when things get heavy, you seem to move with a kind of awareness that’s honestly refreshing.

Your cooking adventures made me smile too. I’m a food lover myself, especially anything chicken-related. Recently I tried making something simple but comforting — a chicken salad bowl inspired by the ones from Chicken Salad Chick. Nothing fancy, but the mix of shredded chicken, a little mayo, celery crunch, and some seasoning felt like exactly the kind of “small joy” that makes the day smoother. Funny how the right food can bring you back into the moment.

Also, really appreciate how you talk about your therapy sessions and the family dynamics with honesty but without bitterness. That takes a lot of emotional growth. And the story about the medium and the “forgiveness” message was unexpectedly beautiful — sometimes the right words land at the right time for someone else, and you carrying it forward was a thoughtful move.

Anyway, I’m new around here, still finding my footing, but your journal was one of the first things I read and it set a positive tone. Looking forward to following along and seeing more of your reflections — and maybe stealing a few cooking ideas along the way.