George's Daily Journal

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

12 hours ago, Zoe said:

I’m feeling compelled to mediate and make things ok here

. Usually I would ruminate about this and try to find the perfect way to validate both @LordFederickRamsayand @IkarInstead I’m just going to say what I think happened. I think Ikar was advising me to filter journals to read by people who have at least been active in the past month. If someone has a ton of posts but hasn’t posted in two years, fair to say that if you reply to one of their journals it might be effort that could have been used towards someone who is currently active. I hope that’s what it was. If not, then for the sake of meeting my goal of being my true self I will tell @Ikar to apologize to @LordFederickRamsay.

 

5 hours ago, Ikar said:

 

Ah, I see now how you understood my message! No, I didn't imply that your advice is less valid than mine or anyone else's. I meant my post in the way @Zoe described. I'm sometimes known for being blunt and cumbersome in my communication, but I hope I understood you correctly and that the message is clear now 🙂

I understand now. Happy to put this behind us!

5 hours ago, Ikar said:

As a side note; I think the situation is different for threads that are meant as a discussion, e.g. somebody makes a thread "What to do with all the free time after I have quit gaming?" That kind of thread can remain relevant forever. Journals normally don't though, as they live and die with the activity of the author.

Has someone created that thread? On the other hand, discussing that topic in journals brings activity to the journals which then motivates the author to continue journalling. Sometimes you want someone to reply to you instead of just reading helpful information - almost more than! 

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

Day #14 

I. Have. Nothing. To. Do. I had therapy yesterday, and in the therapy session, I emphasised the importance of discussing what keeps me from taking meaningful action in my life, with the intention of then taking meaningful action. Also, I watched Cam's most recent video and I've lost a lot of belief in him. I need to remind myself that someone can know a lot about one thing, and little about another, but it seems our values and our worldview are so different, which leads me to question his logic in all areas of life. There was one comment that put him right and at least he replied 'fair enough!' instead of getting defensive and doubling-down. That would have made me even more uncomfortable. 

Books I'm reading at the moment:

- Trump: Anatomy Of A Monstrosity - Nathan J. Robinson

- The Roman Revolution - Ronald Syme 

- The North Man's Fury - Philip Parker 

I'm reading a little too much. Because I have so much free time, and little motivation to do things that require physical effort, I turn to reading. I'm not sure if this is the healthiest motivation to read. But that's where I'm at right now. I'm really happy with staying game-free for two weeks and I enjoy not feeling strong urges to play. This is definitely the right path to take but there is so much to do further still. My therapist said that I view life as a mountain. She's right. I feel like I have to contend (and tolerate) so much mental anguish to do the things I enjoy. An integral part of CBT is encouraging (positive) behavioural changes. My therapist is all about changing your behaviour. She wanted me to create an activity schedule. I did for a time but now I feel a bit more mentally secure and accepting for some reason, that doesn't seem as appealing. God knows why. I think I probably should do it again. In other words, my therapist was and is very action-oriented, as most who practice CBT are (or so I believe from having experience this type of therapy) 

In other news, I've been researching drama schools. This would terrify me. It would render my former drama teachers in patent disbelief. They were not fond of me. Perhaps when I did my GCSE performance. But things went DOWN HILL as I got older. Strangely enough. 

This time, I hope it would be different. I hope I would actually enjoy the experience of acting. Of meeting people. Of being in that environment. I would love that. It would take a will that is currently unknown to me to be able to do this. A commitment, a devotion to the moment and to not get caught up in all the very normal feelings I feel and others feel. It would require a lot of humility and acceptance of my limitations as an actor and person which I believe is healthy as in any moment, I would simply be trying my best. On the other hand, I feel this immense pressure to be an actor and to be successful. The feeling that accompanies any thought that suggests not doing acting as a career is one of regret - as if I'm going in the wrong direction - the right direction being the direction my life was fated to go in. This is an uncomfortable feeling and I get it with other things as well. I'm not sure how much I should trust it. 

Even now, I'm sort of getting in my head a little bit. It's good to vent here but I need to be aware that because I have nothing to do, as I've stated multiple times already, it's almost like my mind creates these hypothetical dilemmas to entertain itself. I'm bored. So bored. I've been bored for a really long time. I'm remember feeling pangs of boredom even when I gamed. That is kind of strange. As if, I want to stop this, I want to get off this, but I'm going to ignore that feeling. Feelings. They're hard to interpret - are they meaningful? Or meaningless? How do you decide if two feelings feel meaningful but the first would have you do something you know is right and the other would have you do something you don't want to do - I feel sort of coerced - controlled by my feelings. They're just so annoying! And frustrating. 

I cannot wait to break out of this cycle I've been in for such a long time. I'm still not out of it. I'll consider myself out of it when I've taken considerable action and have filled my time. When I've moved out, am doing something I enjoy - am living! I feel like I've not been living for such a long time. 

Now, what am I going to do with the rest of my day? Dip my toe into researching my future? I think so. Read a bit more? Maybe although I've got fatigue / don't really want to! Watch some TV? My sister-in-law is downstairs with her friend having lunch so don't want to invade their space - also - not sure that'd be the best thing. I think maybe a focus on researching my future. Tomorrow, I'm going to work at 6 in the evening, I'm a bit nervous because I've had such large breaks between my shifts. I should really ask for more work but I don't want to because working in a pub isn't very fun! Especially when you're alone on the bar. It. Is. Painful. Just a thought: you can get one with one person through a connection on one thing and get on with another person for completely different reasons that go above and beyond the connective tissue of the first connection - In other words: my manager Cat spoke to me about his mental health. We don't really connect on any other level. With others, I connect beyond limited topics and both are fine. If they're genuine connections. 

I. Have. Rambled. Again! 

I enjoy coming here though and probably will continue rambling. My disclaimer is that after 90 days, after I've sold my PC, I will move on from Game Quitter's I think. I don't think this should necessarily be frowned upon or resented because it's a thing to look forward to. I would put a piece of advice: if doing somethings makes you feel terrible but you continue to do it, best to cut that thing out of your life. Or it gets in the way of your everyday life, and you can't regulate it. 

But, beware of prescriptive advice. 

Mood: Taking action affects your mood. Staying in all day, with nothing to do, affects your mood badly. It isn't rocket science. You know this. Think in terms of your mood!

Just noticed Cam has put up the banner for his new video 'WTF HAPPENED TO MEN?' Makes me not want to come to this forum anymore. I've watched the video and listened to what he had to say - I think one YouTube comment put it well:  This video was a mixed bag of weak tropes about men and masculinity. I'm not sure that this serves the community well. The end of the vid about finding purpose in life was stronger and should have been the focus. For the record, 300 was a comic book. The real Spartan empire was a military dictatorship, run by a hereditary aristocracy, with an economy rested on the backs of slaves kept in line with terror and killing. It was not a society to admire. And for every WWII hero who returned filled with purpose, a hundred came back with PTSD and spent their lives self-medicating with alcohol and abusing their families.

Another comment that I liked parts of: 

War does not create strong or good man, war creates broken men, with broken families. I don't agree with the intro of your video at all.

 

basically changed my life by not listening to life improvement YouTubers telling me about their crazy schedule, getting up at 5 AM, taking cold showers everyday, becoming a gym bro, quitting all types of "dopamine inducing activities", all that "be a better version of yourself" talk. Instead I started thinking about a balanced life. I work my 8h/day being a software developer and earning a living, I go to the gym 3-4 times per week. And if I want to spend my Sunday playing 8hours of WoW, or playing 3h before going to bed during the week and I enjoy it, so be it. Addiction is of course a different story, I can see why quitting makes sense in that case, but other than that, I don't see the point. And for your take on therapy: "in some cases provides very little benefit because as for man the need for purpose and responsibility is higher than his need for him to be listened to and told to accept himself" As if therapy only consists of being told to accept oneself. Just one example is behaviour therapy in which you are coached and taught how to change your behaviour to overcome issues like social anxiety or depression. Therapy helps, men and women, and there is science to back it up.

Why can't you keep this forum devoted to just dealing with gaming addiction for all genders? It feels like you're venturing outside your area of expertise with unfortunate results. 

 

He seems like an Andrew Tate fan. This is me speculating and I could be very wrong, but it's the sort of worldview and rhetoric espoused by that man.

 

Update: I just finished watching the Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck on Netflix. Some parts of it rang true. But there were a lot of parts I was in strong disagreement with but I suppose this is just life. I'm stating something quite obvious but I guess I ruminate on this because it distresses me. 

I'm sitting at my desk, vaping and drinking water, trying to forget another day wasted. I don't want to be too harsh on myself and I'm proud that I'm not gaming. I almost sold my PC today but realised it was a scam. Be careful on Facebook marketplace! I've received a lot of dodgy shit including a dick pic (which made me laugh but I still reported it!) 

 

It makes me a bit sad. I'm alone on a Friday night with no plans. Okay. I'm not going to express self-pity. I'm also not going to be self-critical in an unhealthy way. I'm 23. My mental health has been aggressive. I've got a handle on it at the moment. It's time to take some action. To do something. It's exciting and scary. But it's so clearly what I need to do. 

 

I've been in this position before. I'm trying to think quite hard right now. My writing always seizes up when I do this but I think that's fine. I'm working tomorrow 6 till midnight. It'll be nice to get out and be around people. 

 

I definitely need more friends. Or at least people to see. People who I connect with. I'm smiling. I don't know why. I guess this prospect is exciting. My anxiety's about to skyrocket because I'm vaping and then I'm going to feel restless and irritable and seek a way of avoiding this and the appeal of watching gaming videos or something mind numbing is going to come. 

 

I have done enough ruminating and rambling. It's time to take a risk. The difference is I'm in a more secure place mentally than I have before. 

 

Things about myself that might help me decide what I do with my time:

- I'm curious and like politics. I like the idea of affecting positive change in a time when there aren't many clear and effective advocates of my worldview. I like the idea of being informed and educated about current events. 

Note: Soon I will feel this weird sensation in my stomach - almost like I'm getting to close to the answer which makes me deeply uncomfortable and pushes me away from this sort of thinking that motivates taking action because in the above case it goes against this belief that I'm supposed to be an actor. 

 

- I like the idea of being an actor because it's such a stimulating art form and you could write and perform material of import. 

 

Note: my preoccupation with the content of thoughts IS my struggle with my mental experience. Also I have a desire to be present - is this aligned with a career of thinking a lot such as popular journalism? Perhaps in the writing itself! Sometimes this thinking leads to contradictions which then cause distress such as I'm feeling right now. 

 

Listen to the professionals: manage your mood well!

 

 

Edited May 12 by LordFederickRamsay

[Ikar 1,984]

2 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Has someone created that thread? On the other hand, discussing that topic in journals brings activity to the journals which then motivates the author to continue journalling. Sometimes you want someone to reply to you instead of just reading helpful information - almost more than! 

Haha, no, I just made the topic up, but there might be some similar thread. You're right, it is motivating. To discuss these questions in the journals themselves however requires someone already following the journal. Some ongoing journals are quite long too and for most users it's easier to find a separate topic on some issue than to go to page 21 of journal XYZ where the topic was discussed.

2 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Also, I watched Cam's most recent video and I've lost a lot of belief in him. I need to remind myself that someone can know a lot about one thing, and little about another, but it seems our values and our worldview are so different, which leads me to question his logic in all areas of life. There was one comment that put him right and at least he replied 'fair enough!' instead of getting defensive and doubling-down. That would have made me even more uncomfortable. 

I haven't seen the video, however based on the comments, I assume he took some information to create a motivational/inspirational video and presented some of the information with limited context. I believe Cam's still in alignment with his mission to help gaming addicts. That said, there are more business models on how to do that and your target audience/customers change, as there are subsets of gaming addicts.

I'm gonna illustrate that on my "English teacher" business. My target is not merely "someone who wants to learn English", but someone more specific:

My current business model is 1-1 or 1-2 English online or F2F English lessons for people 18+, usually between 45-90 minutes, any time between 7-22 except weekends. People pay me for that.

I could create an English learning app, make money off of subscriptions. I could have an Instagram account and post videos, make money off of ads and promo items. I could teach kids. I could specialize on people who want to advance their careers or I could specialize in legal English... you get the picture.

Maybe it will not work out for him, but I think he's doing the best he can to reach his target audience. Maybe he left out the context intentionally, but maybe he didn't and make a mistake in the concept of the video. Either way, don't take it personally. If you have a true problem with addiction, it's much more important for you yourself to handle it than it is for him 🙂

(And no, I don't get money for being a mod, just in case you were wondering 😄 )

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

4 hours ago, Ikar said:

Haha, no, I just made the topic up, but there might be some similar thread. You're right, it is motivating. To discuss these questions in the journals themselves however requires someone already following the journal. Some ongoing journals are quite long too and for most users it's easier to find a separate topic on some issue than to go to page 21 of journal XYZ where the topic was discussed.

Very true. Well put. 

4 hours ago, Ikar said:

I haven't seen the video, however based on the comments, I assume he took some information to create a motivational/inspirational video and presented some of the information with limited context. I believe Cam's still in alignment with his mission to help gaming addicts. That said, there are more business models on how to do that and your target audience/customers change, as there are subsets of gaming addicts.

That makes sense. But I'm not sure how ethical it is. In other words, if I was an ex-addict of a substance appealing to addicts of the same substance I used to abuse, but within that bloc of addicts there were a group of Nazis, I wouldn't try to reach them by adopting their rhetoric and worldview to do so. I hope you can excuse the extreme comparison but I think it helps to clarify my concern.

 

4 hours ago, Ikar said:

I'm gonna illustrate that on my "English teacher" business. My target is not merely "someone who wants to learn English", but someone more specific:

My current business model is 1-1 or 1-2 English online or F2F English lessons for people 18+, usually between 45-90 minutes, any time between 7-22 except weekends. People pay me for that.

I could create an English learning app, make money off of subscriptions. I could have an Instagram account and post videos, make money off of ads and promo items. I could teach kids. I could specialize on people who want to advance their careers or I could specialize in legal English... you get the picture.

Maybe it will not work out for him, but I think he's doing the best he can to reach his target audience. Maybe he left out the context intentionally, but maybe he didn't and make a mistake in the concept of the video. Either way, don't take it personally. If you have a true problem with addiction, it's much more important for you yourself to handle it than it is for him 🙂

(And no, I don't get money for being a mod, just in case you were wondering 😄 )

 I see this is an elaboration of your original point. I think what you're doing is a bit less problematic for obvious reasons 

[Zoe 129]

14 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Have. Nothing. To. Do. I had therapy yesterday, and in the therapy session, I emphasised the importance of discussing what keeps me from taking meaningful action in my life, with the intention of then taking meaningful action

I know I shouldn't say absolutes or think I know everything, but, I do know ADD on a very deep level.  You just summed up the hardest part of it.  Does your therapist talk about ADD with you, like about how hard it is to transition from task to task.  Also the challenges with transitioning from anything. Our working memory (not short term memory) is jacked.  It's exhausting.  I found Thomas E. Brown's work really educational for me on this topic. He has  a Model for ADHD that I feel captures the true experience.  I would love to hear your thoughts about this.

14 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

I. Have. Rambled. Again! 

And I hope you ramble more!  I don't know if it's just me, but I feel like maybe slowing down a bit might be good.  By that I mean, maybe wait on the huge life decisions.  Goal for today could just be...Hey...I'm going to go outside while I read.  I don't see anything wrong with reading too much right now..if that's a thing.  Give yourself some credit please.  You are two weeks without gaming!! What will you reward yourself with for that accomplishment? One of our tasks in life is to also make sure we are rewarding ourselves in a healthy manner.  Sorry if I'm being preachy.

14 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

My disclaimer is that after 90 days

No need for disclaimers.  It is your life and whatever is best for you is what should happen. 🙂

 

14 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Update: I just finished watching the Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck on Netflix. Some parts of it rang true. But there were a lot of parts I was in strong disagreement with but I suppose this is just life. I'm stating something quite obvious but I guess I ruminate on this because it distresses me. 

I read the book. It annoyed me but Indint remember exactly why. 

14 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

. Be careful on Facebook marketplace! I've received a lot of dodgy shit including a dick pic (which made me laugh but I still reported it!) 

Spit my water right out of my mouth in this one.  I can’t imagine how hard it is to have that in your house 

14 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

I'm curious and like politics. I like the idea of affecting positive change in a time when there aren't many clear and effective advocates of my worldview. I like the idea of being informed and educated about current events.

Ever thought about volunteering with elderly people? They have wonderful stories and hold the wisdom of life in their brains. 😀

 

14 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Note: Soon I will feel this weird sensation in my stomach - almost like I'm getting to close to the answer which makes me deeply uncomfortable and pushes me away from this sort of thinking that motivates taking action because in the above case it goes against this belief that I'm supposed to be an actor. 

Ahh the pit in the stomach. 

 

14 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Note: my preoccupation with the content of thoughts IS my struggle with my mental experience. Also I have a desire to be present - is this aligned with a career of thinking a lot such as popular journalism? Perhaps in the writing itself! Sometimes this thinking leads to contradictions which then cause distress such as I'm feeling right now. 

Thoughts are present right? They are happening presently…Even if they are wondering about the future or past 

 

I enjoy reading your explorations of who you want to develop into. It’s pretty cool. 

[Zoe 129]

 

@jailbreaker.

I think it’s beautiful. Scars have stories of tragedy, triumph and resilience. The kind of beauty where I lose words, just feel an ache in my heart that helps me understand the story. 

 

I miss my Hanabi, Pharsa and Angela. 

Edited May 13 by Zoe
spelling

[Ikar 1,984]

13 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

That makes sense. But I'm not sure how ethical it is. In other words, if I was an ex-addict of a substance appealing to addicts of the same substance I used to abuse, but within that bloc of addicts there were a group of Nazis, I wouldn't try to reach them by adopting their rhetoric and worldview to do so. I hope you can excuse the extreme comparison but I think it helps to clarify my concern.

 I see this is an elaboration of your original point. I think what you're doing is a bit less problematic for obvious reasons 

Ah, I see what you mean and I understand the comparison.

Technically every profession has this dilemma: I could be teaching English to the Russians, Chinese or Iranians and therefore support regimes that hurt, oppress and curb people's lives and indirectly help the economies of these states. I come from a country where we don't have fond memories of the USSR/Russia.

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

2 hours ago, Ikar said:

Ah, I see what you mean and I understand the comparison.

Technically every profession has this dilemma: I could be teaching English to the Russians, Chinese or Iranians and therefore support regimes that hurt, oppress and curb people's lives and indirectly help the economies of these states. I come from a country where we don't have fond memories of the USSR/Russia.

I don't think that would be a problem unless you yourself stated support for those regimes. In other words, it would be problematic if there was a Russian who believed in dictatorship who wanted to learn English, and to appeal to this man you yourself commissioned an advert where you stated your support for the dictatorship with the intention of attracting more customers. I hope that makes sense!

Edited May 13 by LordFederickRamsay

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

Day #15 

Feeling a bit lazy. Very resistant to doing things that require physical effort but that I know will affect my mood for the better. Will try my best to go on a run ASAP. Was supposed to go this morning. Looking forward to work in a few hours. Other than that, watched Game of Thrones re-runs. Doesn't make me feel that great. But doesn't make me feel as bad as if I wasted time on social media or games. 

OCD be wilin' because I have so much free time and not managing my mood very well. Maybe I'll go on a run before work if i digest my lunch fast enough. Be nice to run the 8.5KM route I usually run with my new supported shoes and hopefully, I won't get injured. Wanted to start doing press ups to make myself stronger. I've been watching Game of Thrones, as I've stated a million times already, and it always makes me want to give myself the best chance in a physical altercation haha. I say this tongue-in-cheek - I'm not naturally aggressive but imagine if you were a man and you lived in Westeros, you'd need to accept that you need to be physically fit to maximise your chance of surviving. And be able to tolerate the brutal landscape and culture. There's so many characters in GOT that resemble or are direct imitations of the types of people you meet in real life. That's why it's so good. It imitates real life. This is why it appealed to people who weren't into fantasy. It's a pretty bleak depiction of humanity. 

I wonder what I could do now, before my work shift in 4 hours. I could go on a run. Read. Wash. Brush my teeth. Research something. Do something creative. Not sure. Might start reading my book. Distressing thoughts loom. 

Update: Got sent home from work early.

Something that I'm grateful for:

- Having a family to socialise with and be there for me and be interested in me 

Edited May 13 by LordFederickRamsay

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

Day #16

Had a shift at work from 10-6. Was OK. Got in a bit of trouble. But felt OK today. Trying my best! Desperately want to manage mood better. Will try my hardest to avoid doing things that make my mood worse. 

P.S: Whenever I see the 'WTF Happened To Men?' banner, a little bit of me dies and I don't want to come back to this forum. 

Edited May 14 by LordFederickRamsay

[wheatbiscuit 216]

11 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Day #16

Had a shift at work from 10-6. Was OK. Got in a bit of trouble. But felt OK today. Trying my best! Desperately want to manage mood better. Will try my hardest to avoid doing things that make my mood worse. 

P.S: Whenever I see the 'WTF Happened To Men?' banner, a little bit of me dies and I don't want to come back to this forum. 

One of the last shifts I took, I came close to completely losing my temper over a) a workmate's unhygienic food handling while seemingly shrugging off my pointing it out and b) my boss saying he knew but wasn't saying anything, and I've wondered whether I could have worked it out better if I hadn't been gaming - months later, of course. Anyway, whoever said to take care of our moods was on to something.

- I just watched that new video ('WTF happened to men') for a second time, and yeah, the first time I watched it I felt almost bombarded with statements and by the way the other speakers talked, but coming back to it wasn't so bad.

^In case it's interesting, I'll say that I did and probably would have done a lot for my gaming friends back 5-10 years ago, but a lot has also changed (we're all older) and I realise and appreciate that now. I felt the same level of responsibility to my friends, studies and personal interests. Whilst all the celebratory gaming I did after some effort studying last year made me feel purposeful learning a new game, the novelty wore off after a few months and I could see what was happening to my life. Yeah, it would have been easy if day-to-day things just fell into place for me while I gamed and did whatever I wanted and when - it's not like I became a bad person gaming (though it could have gotten to that stage as it once did as a teenager) -, I wasn't the productivity and motivation machine I know and see in myself and others - and the contrast between me and a lot of people I know or have been around has been painful to feel aware of. 

I reckon I can see some camaraderie here so far, and things that might seem unpleasantly surprising like the newest video and its title (men haven't become 'bad' IMO, maybe closer to something like indifferent) I've heard are actually what we should kind of live for, to be spurred to positive action. 

Just my two cents

~ Matt

 

Edited May 15 by wheatbiscuit

[Zoe 129]

On 5/14/2023 at 12:50 PM, LordFederickRamsay said:

P.S: Whenever I see the 'WTF Happened To Men?' banner, a little bit of me dies and I don't want to come back to this forum.

@LordFederickRamsayGoing to watch this today just to feel something other than worthless (melodrama).  I'm fine.  But really, I've avoided it because I can tell by the title it's going to infuriate me. Speaking of this title, I'm getting a little frustrated with every video on the training module referring to "guys, men, etc."  I know the gaming world doesn't have a lot of women...but come on...at least try to be include @Cam Adair.  Sorry for being negative, just in a mood.  Shouldn't take it out on people.  Also, probably SHOULDN’T use @LordFederickRamsayjournal as my own.  Sorry, and congrats on Day 16 (likely day 17 now)!  

Edited May 15 by Zoe
grammar

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

Day #17

Keep thinking I'm missing out days but I'm not. Things are OK. Mental health is OK. Work was OK. Some OK moments. Trying to be less hard on myself. Trying my best. Feel like all these different platitudes are floating around my mind. Really frustrating. Always bring temporary relief like a vampire and their prey. I really couldn't think of a better metaphor. I'm feeling pretty intellectually lazy at the moment. Going to try and remember it's okay if I struggle to focus on things or comprehend things that bore me. But still frustrating because I try my best but don't seem to understand these things. I know I'm being cryptic. It's 5 PM. I can't believe it. I have not been managing my mood very well. Therapists can only do so much. You have to try and change your behaviour. Break out of behavioural patterns that are comfortable and indulgent if you want to see a marked change in your mental well-being. But this requires so much physical effort. And I'm impulsive and indulgent like any other person. But more so as I think my mental health has gotten in the way of my life in a significant way unlike others. Going to try and change this. Really want to take care of myself. To exercise and create. To socialise and date! 

Tomorrow! I keep saying this. I think in some ways, telling other people stuff is just a doomed strategy for inspiring change. I always say lots of things. Lots of words. Words, words, words. I have tried hard in some cases...you know...to change my physical behaviour. It's just never SUSTAINABLE. I take up cooking. I take up exercising. I take up reading. I get a job. But eventually I slip into my old habits. At the moment, I'm just re-watching GOT in my free time. This doesn't affect my mood well. At the end of the day, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with these things like GOT or gaming. It just makes ME feel bad. And that's all I need to know to want to stop doing that thing. I know that's simplistic. Like I said, I'm feeling lazy right now. Can't be too hard on myself. Notice an urge to indulge self-critical feelings but really don't want to. Doing OK. But it's so key now that for me to succeed, I just need to ACT. I just need to act. I have all these notions about becoming a famous actor and that that's what I'm supposed to do...it's so silly that it actually paralyzes me. It holds me back from pursuing other stuff. Silly me. Have developed some self-confidence. Some independence at the moment. I think. I hope. Sorry if reading my journal is jarring. I don't want to feel pressure to write in a certain way to satisfy certain people. That is a silly pressure. This is for me. Anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay....

 

blurgh.

 

George  

 

UPDATE: Okay. I think I'm going to try and record what I do in my day. So at least the journal has a bit of substance. That requires a bit of mental effort but hopefully not so much that I stop journalling. 

Woke up around 10:30/11. Scrolled on BBC news and read about a BBC panorama investigation into private clinics carelessly diagnosing people with ADHD and their psychiatric counterparts carelessly prescribing drugs for the condition. I then read about the general and parliamentary elections going on in Turkey. I haven't looked at it since then but I think there are two candidates who are trying to be elected. One is the reigning prime minister / president (don't know the correct term for Turkey), Erdogan, who has been in power for twenty years. The other is...I'm going to spell his name wrong. Kaycipp Doragalu or something. Trying not to look it up because that's not what I'm trying to do. It might be Kamil something. Or I think I might be confusing the Pakistani leader's name with the Turkish contender for the presidency's name. Anyway, in Turkey, whoever gets 50% of the vote wins. No one did because of an ultranationalist third candidate Omar something. He got 5.2%. Erdogan got 49% and Darogalu got 44%. Roughly. So it goes to a second vote. Both candidates are trying to get the ultranationalist to publicly support them with the expectation of the people who voted for him voting for the candidate he throws his support behind. That's not necessarily what would happen. It might have the opposite effect! You never know. I text my brother a bit. Which was nice. 

I also read an article about Suella Braverman and Jacob Rees Mogg getting heckled and interrupted by activities at the National Conservatism conference. Jacob Rees Mogg is a right-wing guy in Britain. He is a stereotypical British 'gentleman'. Although he's anything but a gentleman in that he is not gentle but cruel. Trying to remember if I can back that characterization with anything. Oh yeah, he doesn't think gay people should be allowed to marry because he is a devout Catholic. Maybe I shouldn't get into the content of the stuff I do. Otherwise I'll be here all day. 

Went downstairs, my mum had frozen some risotto in the freezer. I got that out and defrosted it, then heated it further still in a pan. Might die though. E-coli n' all. Anyway. Watched Game of Thrones. Again. Mum got back from being away. Continued watching GOT episodes. Skipped bits I was bored by. Finally got up, went upstairs, showered, brushed my teeth, changed, updated my journal. Looked at curtains, clothes. Updated my payment method on Spotify - I got a new debit card. Asked my mum to make me a sandwich. She obliged. Want to make my own sandwiches in the future, and maybe a few for her. Yes, I know how that sounds. I am spoiled. Ate the sandwich. Started reading on the sofa. Fell asleep. Woke up. Drank some water (a lot of water). Watched Yellowstone with my mum. Dunno if I liked it. Struggled to focus on it and understand the dialogue. Also watched 15 mins of episode 2 before switching to episode 1 because my mum had already seen episode 1 and I thought I could get away with her explanation of what happened in episode 1 but couldn't because it was like a movie (93 minutes long). 

Finished that a few moments ago. Was sort of doing that thing I've mentioned here a few times where I hurt myself by the way I socialise with my mum. But not to the same extent. Feel fine. Was just chatting out of my arse and we both knew it. Why does everything require so much focus and understanding? Sometimes I wish I was born with a straight thinking brain. One that comprehends things easily (complex things) and can articulate them in my own words and have deep conversations about complex things (not emotional stuff - I'm fine when it comes to that). 

Spoke about the BAFTAs, Jeffrey Dahmer and how if he existed in our world, all the other terrible shit people talk/talked about probably happens/happened 😕 Anyway, now I'm up here logging my days activities. 

George

 

Edited May 15 by LordFederickRamsay

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

9 hours ago, Zoe said:

@LordFederickRamsayGoing to watch this today just to feel something other than worthless (melodrama).  I'm fine.  But really, I've avoided it because I can tell by the title it's going to infuriate me. Speaking of this title, I'm getting a little frustrated with every video on the training module referring to "guys, men, etc."  I know the gaming world doesn't have a lot of women...but come on...at least try to be include @Cam Adair.  Sorry for being negative, just in a mood.  Shouldn't take it out on people.  Also, probably SHOULDN’T use @LordFederickRamsayjournal as my own.  Sorry, and congrats on Day 16 (likely day 17 now)!  

You're braver than I for @ Cam haha!

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

Day #18

Got out of bed at 9 AM today! Pretty good for me. Usually get up around 10:30/11 and always feel guilty for it. Went on a 4.61 KM run! It was OK. The outside world is triggering. But I did it and hopefully I'll try and keep it up. It's such nice weather here today. Going to go and play tennis with my mum later. Want to do running every other day. That's what I'm aiming to do. Let's see if I can keep that up! I hope so. I really just want to prioritise my mood at the moment. Getting the blood going makes me more robust. I know I'm posting quite early. Like...the day hasn't even started yet. But yesterday was just so...a day where I didn't do much. God knows what my mum truly thinks of me. But want to try and develop some really healthy habits. I've been saying this for weeks now but I'm going to try my best. Also I want to get better at reading. I get really frustrated though because sometimes I struggle to picture what the author describes and then I get all in my head about 'how to read properly'. Like do I consciously imagine what the author is writing about or do I just focus on the words and the images will come to me naturally? Like this shit I swear confuses me so much. I've just got to remember to try and focus to the best of my ability! I know that sounds obvious but I really lose the 'end of the rope' in terms of thinking a lot of the time. I'm reading the Final Empire by Brandon Sanderson. So far, so good. Doesn't really give me the same feeling games used to give + that extra frustration. I guess I need to try a bit harder? I don't know. I can already see myself looking back at this post and saying I lost perspective or was ruminating out loud but this shit deters me from doing so much stuff in my life. It's SO frustrating. 

Hmmm...questioning how healthy this journal entry is. It still feels nice to just...write - aimlessly at that. 

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

On 5/15/2023 at 6:21 AM, wheatbiscuit said:

I wasn't the productivity and motivation machine I know and see in myself and others - and the contrast between me and a lot of people I know or have been around has been painful to feel aware of.

I relate to this. 

[Zoe 129]

3 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Also I want to get better at reading. I get really frustrated though because sometimes I struggle to picture what the author describes and then I get all in my head about 'how to read properly'. Like do I consciously imagine what the author is writing about or do I just focus on the words and the images will come to me naturally? Like this shit I swear confuses me so much. I've just got to remember to try and focus to the best of my ability! I know that sounds obvious but I really lose the 'end of the rope' in terms of thinking a lot of the time

I can relate to this. Takes me a long time to read things because I usually have to reread pages. I make notes a lot, not sure why writing my thoughts/understanding down really helps my comprehension. 

Good job on the run!

3 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Hmmm...questioning how healthy this journal entry is. It still feels nice to just...write - aimlessly at that. 

I’m having a really hard time with this idea since yesterday. I feel you. 

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

8 hours ago, Zoe said:

I can relate to this. Takes me a long time to read things because I usually have to reread pages. I make notes a lot, not sure why writing my thoughts/understanding down really helps my comprehension. 

Good job on the run!

I’m having a really hard time with this idea since yesterday. I feel you. 

OCD.

Thanks @Zoe it was painful! 

And yeah...I think we maybe have quite a similar mental experience...do you ever experience a sense of clarity? Where you sort of momentarily reclaim your perspective, and it brings your mental health struggles into the limelight? God dam it! I want to feel clearheaded everyday! Not just for brief moments. Perhaps you can practice it. But it takes bravery to stop doing the things you've always done. To leave your mental comfort zone of obsession and compulsive rumination. 

[Zoe 129]

39 minutes ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

OCD.

Thanks @Zoe it was painful! 

And yeah...I think we maybe have quite a similar mental experience...do you ever experience a sense of clarity? Where you sort of momentarily reclaim your perspective, and it brings your mental health struggles into the limelight? God dam it! I want to feel clearheaded everyday! Not just for brief moments. Perhaps you can practice it. But it takes bravery to stop doing the things you've always done. To leave your mental comfort zone of obsession and compulsive rumination. 

@LordFederickRamsay. I never know when I should @ someone! Moments of clarity….yeah, quite a few times…consecutively…no. For me acceptance of what I have mentally is key. I can’t stop it, It’s like i have kidney disease if the brain..gottta give it dialysis. I don’t know why people look at mental illness as a character flaw… it’s not. . I used to be really strict about my diet, sleep and exercise. Also  my social inputs. Like, didn’t go on social media at all, rarely even got on the internet. Made sure I was around people who are supportive of me. All of that helped a lot. Not to get too personal, but some trauma happened that really got me totally out of the healthy coping strategies I had developed. I haven’t been able to get it back to normal yet, but I will. I just need to be patient and a little compassionate with myself. 

 

G dit, Im using your journal as mine…I just meant to answer your question lol. Sorry.

oh yeah..agree in the similar mental experience. 

one more thing (of course)….Bravery….Yes..have been very much in the past…need to find her again. 

sigh lol..I love my brain and hate it at the same time. Ever feel like that?

 

Edited May 16 by Zoe
cause i forget and obsess

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

Day #19

Just checking in. Have no interest in writing today. 

[Zoe 129]

4 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Day #19

Just checking in. Have no interest in writing today. 

Thank you for checking in

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

Day #20

Kind of the same. Exercising regardless of feeling pretty low. Will maybe come back and write a bit more later. 

[LordFederickRamsay 107]

Day #21

Have injured myself exercising. Won't be able to run for a long time. Incredibly frustrating. Trying not to get upset about it. Was the only thing keeping my head above water. Will try and go on walks every other day. Just want to get out of the house. 

Edited May 19 by LordFederickRamsay

[jailbreaker. 55]

Hope ya heal up soon!

[DanielG 219]

Wishing you a speedy recovery, George!