LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted April 29 Share Posted April 29 (edited) Hello! Day #1 Today I'm grateful for: My friend Sam who gives good advice and support me. My mum who although can be overbearing at times, is self-sacrificing and helps me with lots of different things. My therapist R, who decided to help people as a living. The house I live in. It is big and spacious and I'm very lucky to have this. I think this template wants me to do my journal at the end of the day. I also don't really know what to write for most of these prompts. So I'm just going to start here without a template. I'm considering this the first day of my 90-day detox. I want to take this as seriously as possible this time. I feel always a sense of loss when I come on to this forum and do my hour of Respawn Elite a day because it makes me feel nostalgic for the times I had when I gamed (or feeling like I'm doing something I don't really want to do and then lots of justifications/rationalizations for gaming come into my head i.e. you can game in moderation - you're not addicted). Like I'm giving something up that is fun. So I feel a bit nostalgic. I'm a bit worried of relapsing so that's on my mind. I'm writing this journal entry and I do my Respawn Elite on a £2700 gaming set up for playing Fortnite so it's triggering and makes me have an urge to play but I don't really see any way around it. I'd like to think it's not really necessary to get rid of the computer because it's so smooth and I can use it for other stuff. But I'll have to see because I really do not want to game again. I want to move on from it permanently. At the moment, I'm focused on doing things that make me feel good. I feel almost like a wobbly structure and doing stuff that I don't really want to do but makes me feel a sense of accomplishment at the end acts as a sort of scaffolding for this structure. At the moment I'm feeling cravings and urges to game. I've been struggling with this for a few weeks now. It really isn't in my best interest. Just want to add before I sign off for the day that I just watched Cam's video on making it harder to game by selling whatever device you play that game on. I'm really worried about this. This has made me feel as if I'm about to cry because the PC that I'm currently on is so beautiful. I built it and paid for it. But it was explicitly made to play Fortnite. I've been using it to do other stuff like video editing but whenever I'm on it, the urges and cravings to play are off the charts. I think I'd legit cry if I sold it because I think it represents more to me than an expensive gaming PC. What do you guys think? I want to take this seriously and follow Cam's instructions. This one will be really hard to follow and do. So that's what I'm going to do but it's going to be so hard. At the same time, I think it'd feel like taking a weight off my chest. It's easy to indulge in the negative feelings and thoughts. I'll have to avoid gaming in the interim between selling it and waiting for it to be picked up/waiting for it to be sold on eBay. That would be pretty justified but also unhelpful and I will try my best to avoid this. One amazing thing that happened/I did today: I started my daily journal and my 90-day detox from gaming. Workout/run: I didn't do any exercise today because I've got shin splints. Meditation: I used to try meditation but I always found it difficult and I had a million questions about whether I was doing it correctly which is a self-fulfilling prophecy in that you aren't focussed on your breath, but whether you're doing it correctly. Visualisation: I've never tried this. Quite sceptical of this. Daily affirmation: Reading + taking notes: Does this mean reading a non-fiction book and taking notes? Getting to bed before 9pm: I work part-time at a pub. I can't go to bed before 9PM because I am at work. Weekly Goal(s): Get through the week without gaming. Post in your daily journal every day. Do an hour of Respawn Elite every day. Monthly Goal: 3 Month Goal: Complete the 90 day detox. What went well today: I made my bed, I brushed my teeth, I cleared out the cat-lit tray, refilled their water bowls and cleaned their food bowls. Then I did an hour of Respawn Elite, a part of which involved posting this daily journal. My day isn't over yet so hopefully I can continue doing stuff that makes me feel good. What I could have done to make my day better: What I will do differently tomorrow: Edited April 29 by LordFederickRamsay 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted April 30 Author Share Posted April 30 Hello! Day #2 I think I'm going to use the templates interchangeably. I find them a bit intimidating. But I will consistently update my journal. Last night, I worked from 6 in the evening to midnight. I work at a pub. I find it quite hard and I feel a bit socially inept. I'm not sure if this is just because I don't get along with anyone there or it's something else. I'm trying not to stress out about it but I've been working there for three months now and the situation hasn't exactly gotten better. However, I'm excited because I'm doing this now and I feel like I have somewhere to go and vent. I try and remind myself that I'm at the beginning of my journey of developing healthier habits and confronting these feelings, thoughts and experiences, instead of running away from them by playing games. Recently, I've been following my therapists advice. A piece of advice that is really simple but hard to get through to people with mental health issues. That taking action when you don't want to is what influences how you feel about yourself and in turn helps solve problems you've been trying to solve in your head for years. It's almost like trusting that developing healthier habits will help you solve things that feel unsolvable. So far, so good. Sometimes I slip up. Today I got up at 11:15 which made me feel bad. Getting up late is a bad habit for me personally because it conjures up negative feelings. However, last night, when I got home from work, I made myself a nice sandwich, cleaned up after myself, and did not end up watching a Game of Thrones episode I've watch a thousand times, with a feeling of boredom, irritation, frustration...restlessness...but this is what I've been doing in the past for a very long time? Just specifically talking about the habit of re-watching TV episodes but like not even wanting to do this? Like it makes me feel negative feelings about myself and other stuff noted above. So! This time, I switched it off. Took my clothes out the drier and folded them and put them in my cupboard. I know I'm 23 but I haven't done that in a while. Usually my mum does it. I organised my entire cupboard. This made me feel good. Then I started reading North Man's Fury, a broad history about the Vikings. Then I feel asleep. I had vivid dreams last night. I sort of want to write a dream journal. But it seems to take ages because you have to sit there, and concentrate hard to remember scenes from your dream that come to you in a non-linear format which you then have to remember the order these scenes appeared to you. Every morning, I make my bed, open my window and make sure my room is generally tidy. Then I brush my teeth. Today, I did these things and then went to get a haircut and a wet shave. This experience was OK. I definitely struggle socially. If I don't connect with someone, I take it personally. For example, the barber. I wasn't giving him much and then think he's judging me which he probably is, so then make some effort but it's sort of unnatural. This is what it's like at work. I really struggle to speak fluently. When the attention is on me, I stutter, pause and stumble over my words. Other times I try to keep it short to prevent this from happening but I always end up using big words and feel a bit weird about it. I dedicate one hour a day to Game Quitters. First, I update my daily journal. Second, I read and reply to a select few other daily journals (I chose these at random). Then once I've done that, I follow Cam's instructions as outlined in the Respawn Elite program. This last part is going to be especially hard because he has instructed me to sell my Gaming PC. I'm excited because it's exciting to move on from gaming but I'm also held back by thoughts like 'what about in the future when you've developed healthy habits and are able to maintain them, maybe you can game a lil' bit?' or 'Stop following this random man's advice on the internet! You don't need to follow his instructions.' or 'I can use it for film editing or other things. It's perfect for film editing and adobe After Effects. Keep it for that.' - There are more examples of these types of thoughts but I think I do want to sell it. I think I can probably get by without it. It is very clean though. Very easy to use. It is a £2700 gaming set up for playing Fortnite. Whenever I look at it, whenever I'm around it, whenever I am on it, I get intense cravings to play. What I don't like about gaming is that it greatly reduces my interest in all other aspects and areas of life. I think it would be in my best interest to sell my gaming PC. I'm going to do this. Anyway, I've been slacking slightly today. Could have started much earlier but then again, my job messes up my sleep pattern. All in all, it's going fine. I have work tonight at 6 again until midnight. The trouble socially is that I'm strangely selective but I don't know if this is a defence. Anyway, end of journal entry for my second day on the detox. There are a lot of unpleasant feelings and thoughts I want to hide away from, but this time I'm not going to. I'm not going to do that again. My thinking isn't healthy. I have negative thinking patterns that can lead to panicky sensations that then motivate me to find ways of escape. But I'm not going to do it this time. I'm going to keep up developing healthier habits even thought I don't want to do these things. They affect my mood positively and that's what I'm going to try and keep up for the first time in my life. George Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 1 Author Share Posted May 1 (edited) Day #3 Feeling a bit confused. My shift at work went as expected. I don't know whether it's just because I don't get on with the people I work with or I struggle to be present (I feel like I'm in my head the whole time or a lot of the time worrying about what people think of me or...sometimes I think I see the world in this particular way, that I see things quite clearly but to live according to this perspective would be tiring and horrible. It's like a super moral view of the world. What's right and wrong. But then I counter myself by who am I to judge what's right and wrong? But there are things that are clearly bad. Like a guy at work making a comment about how Edinburgh is full of Chinese people, the implication being that this is a bad thing. Then I start rationalizing their comment: well, lots of Chinese students don't speak English and the cultures are very different making connection hard so not wanting to go to a university where Chinese people make up the majority of the student body is unappealing for good reason. But then when I went to Uni I remember that firstly; lots of Chinese students and people experience racial abuse. And two that I spoke to some and even though we didn't (in this case) speak each other's language very well, they were very sweet and it was a pleasant experience. You could also claim it was quite cool to have lots of Chinese people there, so you can meet and learn about a culture you're ignorant of but this maybe sounds better than it works in practice. I feel for people who are Chinese but grew up in England or America and then hear things like that. I'm sure it's a bit hurtful because it's painting anyone whose Chinese with the same brush. I guess thinking of a Chinese person as someone who doesn't speak English and is culturally different is a bit of a caricature because there are lots of Chinese people who don't meet this stereotype. Had a really shitty work shift last night. I feel like awkward for 6 hours. Honestly, I'm going to keep up this blog but I'm aware it's all over the place, and just a stream-of-consciousness. Sometimes I get really in my head about how to be. Should I focus more on the moment? I just want to find some mental peace and consistency but it feels impossible. I'll do some meditation after this. So, because my shift was shit, I came back and I'm looking for solutions. So I turn to mindfulness again. Start reading a few articles which say like mindfulness simplified is just focusing on one thing at a time. It's being attentive etc. This has always come hard to me. I have an ADD diagnosis but my brother who is a clinical psychologist once said he didn't believe in it which has influenced my own belief in it. But I think he was just thinking about how the behavior associated with it has been over pathologized, not doubting the recorded experiences of people with it. And maybe not thinking it warrants taking medication. Then I start questioning whether I'm focusing adequately. Or thinking hard enough. Like am I thinking hard enough right now while doing this? Am I focused enough? Am I representing myself truthfully? Could I think more before I type? This insecurity in my experience is so frustrating and seems to have no end and kills motivations to do anything. I don't know if I can maintain the healthy habits I've developed recently. I'm feeling pretty down right now and cynical about it all. I also can't exercise at the moment because my legs hurt so much from a run I did recently (I think I injured myself). Ever get that thing where you focus really closely and everything comes into focus and you say something very meaningful? And thoughtful? Now I'm changing between that understanding and focus and security and complete insecurity - like now I'm thinking I don't have to sell my PC. That I can play in moderation. But I don't want to do this but when I focus, and think about it, I think this is possible. Whatever happens, I'll go without playing for 90 days. I'm so confused. I've got myself in a right mess. I wish I could chill the F out. Why does feeling mentally secure demotivate me to do anything else like my healthy habits? That makes no sense! And why is it so unsustainable. Like what is wrong with me!? My friend is smart and says things sometimes that I know have value but am too lazy to concentrate on or too scared to invest meaning into because it might change something or if I did the next day I'd just lose that grip around that piece of knowledge and be back where I started. I'm not sure writing this journal is making me feel very good. My therapist says do things even when you don't want to and they'll influence how you feel about yourself/your mood. This has been sort of true lately but now I'm starting to get caught up in the debate about whether I'm being focused and present. The feelings and thoughts that lead me to this amount of distress and confusion and frustration and irritability are the reason I have gamed in the past. It's a break from this. Or maybe avoiding this stuff because it seems endless and like there's no certainty in sight. I feel inconsistent, unprincipled. Ah, I just felt some security. I was looking out my window and I realised that I'm clearly rambling here. I think this whole thing is another manifestation of my OCD. So easy to lose perspective. I should try and remember this. Be kind to myself and occupy my mind. UPDATE: Just had the thought that OCD is like a sinkhole. You become so occupied with yourself you forget there's a world out there. It's so horrible. I feel a bit of a break right now. It's almost like I rambled until I felt a bit better! I wish I could exercise at the moment. This would help a lot. Another thought: I feel like I've been sticking my head in the sand for a long time. Or at least, sticking it in, taking it out, sticking it in. Mostly sticking it in though. Another thought: Realising I'm a pretty intelligent guy! Appreciate the shift in thinking. This reflects the volatility of my mental health and brain behaviour. Although this feels a lot more connected than the stuff I was putting out before. I understand things. I have good comprehension. I see the world more clearly than others. And I'm empathetic. I can be whacky and intelligent at the same time. Not everything requires intense focus. It's also very satisfying reading something closely and understanding it. Especially concerning another person's experience. I could be a smart leftist. I have what it takes. I have a personality. I definitely get easily distracted. Still trying to work out whether gaming is as bad as Cam and others have made it out to be. Can you play in moderation? It makes me feel so guilty playing games. Does this project just contribute to those feelings? It's very prescriptive advice. But then prescriptive advice is sometimes needed, like with someone who is addicted to drugs? Another thoughts: Things are making a bit more sense right now. You don't have to be mean. It's a choice. There are lots of intelligent people who choose not to be mean because it's a choice. More thoughts: I thought because I feel a bit better right now, and more clearheaded that I should continue journaling outside my allotted 1 hour. I'm realising all of my feelings are valid experiences. In other words, I'm secure in them. Realising how much time and energy OCD has taken from me. How it has contributed to me feeling really confused about a variety of different things. Life is exciting! Right now, I'm at a loss of what to do with my free time. The gaming PC looms. It's strange that when I start to feel a bit better, it becomes more appealing. I'm feeling a sense of excitement right now. Excitement and anxiety are hard to differentiate but excitement is accompanied by positive thoughts and security. I've been very insecure for a very long time. All I want to be is secure in myself. Right now I feel like this. How do I make it last forever? I guess I could revisit this journal post. This whole journal post is reflective of what it's like to live with OCD and mood swings. I wonder if I will crash. I do feel overexcited right now. I was trying to read @jailbreaker.'s journal but couldn't focus because of feeling excited. I started vibing to Billy Joel. Does anyone else worry about posting intimate details of their personal lives on this forum? I think that is a valid concern. Another thought: I can learn something from Mr. Roberts about Psychology. Even if you don't see the world in the same way as someone else, they can still impart knowledge onto you. Another thought: Remember if you're thinking about whether you're concentrating, you're not concentrating. That's okay. Try not to get frustrated with yourself, and simply notice that you're stuck in that mental debate and return focus to whatever it is you're doing. My comprehension levels are good. Another thought: habits are things you do without thinking. Good habits like brushing your teeth every day, without thinking about it can be developed. And are good for your mood. Gaming is arguably a bad habit, when done in excess. Another thought: working at school would have been a healthy habit. Therefore, if I had the chance to do school again, I probably would work because it would have made me feel good and would have been healthy for me to do so. Another thought: Going on YouTube, TikTok etc. although lots of people can do this and be content, it makes me feel bad. It other words I'm putting it under the category 'bad habits' because I'm almost certain it is. It's not that there's anything wrong with it, but for me personally, it makes me feel bad so that's going to be greatly reduced. Basically just need to become really good at reducing stuff that makes you feel dodge and increasing stuff that makes you feel good. Edited May 1 by LordFederickRamsay 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jailbreaker. 55 Posted May 1 Share Posted May 1 (edited) Hey! As someone who struggles with bipolar, I experience some similar symptoms to ADD and OCD. So I totally feel ya. A manic episode for me is kinda like ADD, at least a little. I can't focus very well when I'm like this. I just immediately switch my priorities to whatever is most stimulating. To help work with this, instead of trying to fight it, I use the pomodoro method that @Yanmentions in their journal. Basically, I set a short timer/deadline, like 5 - 30 minutes, to do a chunk of a task. Then, I take a break for another short period. The length of the break depends on how difficult it is to concentrate on the task. The more difficult it is, the more equal the break time is to the task time. If the break is too long, I personally sometimes end up just not doing the task after it. This has helped me a lot in the past. Instead of thinking that gaming (or something else) would be more rewarding, my brain focuses intensely on the deadline that I've set for myself. I work way better under pressure, so it helps me. Just a suggestion! Hope it helps if you try it, though. On the OCD note, I was really relating to how overthinking stuff feels like a sinkhole. I've spent almost as many hours just in my head as I have gaming; trying to escape my own self-criticisms and other negative thoughts. (At one point, my therapist even suggested that I may have "Pure-O." Gets confused with anxiety a lot in clinical diagnoses, so it's possible I have that.) I've learned to try to appreciate these thoughts, though, instead of fight myself. I am my own worst enemy! A quick and easy thing to do whenever I notice myself overthinking: I try to count the thoughts. I set a minute timer and try to count every single thought that comes to mind, however trivial it may seem. After doing this a few times, I find that I can relax. I start to think about how much stuff was going through my head during that minute. It really makes me appreciate the helpful thoughts, and filter out the not-so-helpful thoughts. I like to think of them as messages from a friend trying to look out for us. The friend may not always have the best advice, though, so I have to filter the messages. Unfortunately, our brains are hard-wired to get our inboxes blown up, sometimes with irrelevant details, but we can work with it. When I receive a message/thought, it's easier to understand it. If I just tear it to shreds before "reading" the message, I just wind up feeling even less content than before. Another related analogy: Interrupting my thoughts is like if I interrupted a good friend when they were trying to tell me something important. We can all empathize with a good friend, right? When I take my thoughts just one or a few at a time (combining them into chunks helps), I learn to accept myself long- and short-term. In order to accept myself more, I try to act like I am my own best friend; not just a good friend. If my best friend saw me in pain, they'd wanna help me. If my best friend saw me feeling lonely, they'd talk to me and ask me what's wrong. I could go on forever with this analogy, but you get the point. Writing using the "known-new contract" helps me organize my thoughts, too. It's something a high school English teacher taught me. Essentially, every new sentence I write has to be tied down to the last one. It makes the thoughts flow better; more "fluently," as you might put it. Sometimes I have difficulty expressing myself verbally, like you said you do. So, writing really helps as a kind of "training ground" for expressing myself in conversation. Also, keeping a private journal, in addition to posting here, is a great way for me to just vent whatever and not have to feel bad about weighing another person down about it. It's really freeing. Anyway, hope this is helpful! You got this!! EDIT - just un-bolded some words because I realized it was a bit much XD Edited May 2 by jailbreaker. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jailbreaker. 55 Posted May 1 Share Posted May 1 (edited) Here's my most recent artwork to try to inspire you! It's a photo that I took on my phone and edited using Google Photos. I call it "Fields and Mountains": Edited May 1 by jailbreaker. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 (edited) Day #4 Last night I nearly played Fortnite again. I downloaded Logitech G Hub, Epic Games Launcher, and partially downloaded Fortnite. When it got to like 20%, I shut down my computer and went to bed which I'm happy about. I can't go on that gaming PC without ending up gaming so I think I need to sell it. It's off right now and will remain off until I need to prepare it for being sold. This is my top priority now. I'm going to put all my effort into selling my PC. This was a really helpful post and a great contribution @jailbreaker. and also unexpected! I like the sound of the "known-new contract" and the pomodoro method. I will try and try these out. I have an ADHD and OCD (Pure-O) diagnosis. But sometimes I've thought that I have really mild bipolar disorder as well. Sometimes I feel hypomanic - like I'm wired. Then I crash and feel uncertain again. Up and down, up and down (but on a mild level making it easy to mask) I have been trying to treat myself more kindly recently in my head and out. Mostly out though - doing things that make me feel good etc. A positive thought I had: A lot of the time I played Fortnite, I was burrowing into a rabbit hole that got me nowhere. In other words, I used to get OCD about Fortnite and lose perspective which would have harmed my playing ability amongst other things. I'm still conflicted over selling my PC. It's the first thing Cam tells us to do. Surely I should just do it but there's a more thoughtful part of me that believes in playing in moderation. I feel anxious and a bit ashamed today. I got up late again! Always makes me feel a bit dodge. The day goes so quickly. I also swapped my work shift tomorrow which means I'm working in the evening which isn't great! My psychology has actually got in the way of my life so much. I really hope I can find some mental stability. Gaming is a bad habit. It makes me feel bad about myself. I feel anxious, wired, excited when I play. I'm going to sell my PC. Thought: I'm easily influenced. When I thought about selling my PC before, my dad persuaded me not to. This time I need to be confident in my own decision and see it through. When someone is insecure, they are more easily influenced. There are more examples of this happening throughout my life. Thought: I don't know if anyone relates to this but does anyone feel more anxious the more they concentrate? For example, in a social situation. If I'm focusing on what the person is saying and understanding them, my anxiety builds as if I'm threatened? I spend most of my time disconnected probably because of this. Update: I went downstairs to start dismantling my gaming setup. Halfway through, I realised I need to wipe the PC to prepare it for whoever buys it. So I put it all back together and loaded it up. Then I installed Fortnite. I was probably debating whether to play for 30-45 mins. The urge was so strong. So, so strong. I'm really proud of myself for not giving into it and resetting my PC and wiping its hard drive and re-installing windows to prepare it for whoever buys it. This was really hard and I really thought I was going to give in and play. Now comes the hard part which is (after selling it) filling my time and building healthier habits which I've already been doing so far. A thought I just had was I really don't like how gaming makes me feel. I get like overexcited and anxious and lose perspective maybe. It destroys any semblance of calmness or emotional stability. Then I had this thought that was: well why not keep it switched off for 90 days and then afterwards, try gaming again? I really don't know. It's a hard one. Part of me just wants to sell it. To get it over and done with. Pull the tooth out. Rip the band aid off. Then just move on. Commit to something else. But it's so hard because I want to play so badly. I want to play Mount and Blade Warband Persistent World. But gaming corrupts my focus. Perverts my focus. I've definitely been shamed for gaming in the past. Which makes me bitter and resentful of those around me. It's almost like I've been conditioned to feel shit about myself when I game. But it just does make me feel bad. Like I'm doing something wrong or that I shouldn't be doing. I built that PC! It's so beautiful. It's so beautiful!!! I love it so much. It's so clean and powerful. I've got the right keyboard and mouse for Fortnite. I could play all manner of game on it at a high quality. But I know it's not good for me. And that it inspires negative feelings. I'm so conflicted. Thank god for this journal. If I commit to no games in my life which I've done before, I HAVE to do it differently. I need to commit to other hobbies, move out, go dating, go travelling. I've got to fill that void that gaming leaves. I'm proud of my decision to quit. It's the right thing to do for me. I can't game in moderation. I'd lose all interest in other areas of life. I always play excessively. It always consumes my thoughts and focus. I know this is the right thing for me. I'm confident in my decision to selling my gaming PC. To move on with my life. I'm only 23. Let's do it! But the thoughts!!! They're so undermining. A thought I just had...if I develop healthy habits why can't I come back to gaming in the future? And if that's the case, why would I sell my gaming PC? Think! I will need to avoid YouTube videos of Fortnite permanently if I quit. I don't want to be in that space where I don't have access to gaming but I'm just sitting on my bed watching YouTube clips of Fortnite or YouTubers. Remember the feeling gaming leaves you after you stop. It sucks. It feels like you've wasted time and then you feel shit about yourself. My record is clear. I can not game in moderation. I never have and I never will. Gaming has consumed a decade of my life. It has preserved (and exacerbated) my feelings of low self-worth, and prevented me from... Thought: I'm realising how insecure I'm sounding. How obsessive and OCD I sound!!! It sneaks up on you!!!! Remember this. If gaming inspires so much confusion and negative emotion, it's clearly not good for your mental health. I want to be calm and focused. It's almost like the prospect of gaming inspires a hypomanic episode / obsessive mental debate. Don't like this at all. Let's try and get some perspective on it. God, I've got such dramatic thought / mood swings that this journal is helping me make aware of. Reading jailbreaker's journal entries makes me think I'm just an adrenaline junky. I didn't have a lofty or sophisticated reason for playing games. Or at least I never seriously interrogated the reasons for why I enjoyed or played so much! A thought: I need to listen to my intuition. If I'm bored or irritated, that's okay. Listen to this feeling. Of irritation. Of restlessness. Of boredom. Of distractibility. For example, reading something and not selling PC. I've just started preparing my PC to be sold and feel fulfilled and good. Edited May 2 by LordFederickRamsay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 3 Author Share Posted May 3 (edited) Day #5 I've listed my gaming setup on eBay. I feel weird. I feel slightly hungover. I had two pints last night and saw my friend, J. I feel so strange selling my gaming setup. It's in my room on the floor. It's invaded my space. I don't like it. I was so close to playing. I downloaded Fortnite and everything. I just really want to move on from this and be secure in my decision to quit. But there's an ongoing debate in my mind. Whatever happens, I'm going to sell it and complete the 90 day detox. I just worry that afterwards, if I want to game again, I'm going to be like, I sold the perfect set up. What was I doing? I feel slightly anxious today. It's probably from the booze. I've been neglecting doing my good habits for some reason. It's like selling the PC feels like I'm giving up. I was doing good habits before when it was in the kitchen and I was using it for video editing. But then I got cravings and realised that I was probably going to play again. I feel kind of low. I don't want to say depressed but I don't feel like doing anything. I am not really looking forward to going to work in 4 hours but it'll probably make me feel a bit better and give me something to do. I guess anxiety leaves me feeling uncertain. The feeling of uncertainty is really uncomfortable. It's what I feel most of the time. I'm uncertain about my decisions. I'm annoyed that I didn't do this sooner. Something I haven't admitted is I haven't gamed for a while. I gamed non-stop between March 2022 and October 2022. Then had a mental breakdown and took a long time to get back to a feeling of normalcy. I was coming off a high dose of antidepressant. I didn't manage it well. I'm annoyed because I know I should be reading jailbreaker's blog. It makes me feel guilty that I haven't. I'm just not doing the things that make me feel a sense of accomplishment. I'll eat lunch and then read jailbreaker's journal. Cam suggests responding to three journals. Three! I am barely able to keep up with one. But I'm going to try and read it after lunch. I need to remind myself this is an exciting time. I'm doing something I've never done before. This is a complete detox from anything gaming-related. I just want to move on after the 90 days. I want to move on from Game Quitter's and forget about computer games. Not forget, but move on from indefinitely. I know I'm smart, and that I trust my experience. But it's hard when you're dogged by a feeling of uncertainty all the time. My journal entries have been reflective of my struggles. This entry feels good. I feel clear headed and satisfied. Sometimes when I think too hard about what I'm going to write, I don't write anything at all. I want to say something that has substance but the standard I hold myself to is unreasonable. I'm going to admit something embarrassing. I feel kind of insecure around my friend, J. She's just so intelligent. I know this sounds weird because I don't have much confidence in my own intelligence, but I'm really good at discerning whether someone is really intelligent. She's got a high IQ. She reminds me of Tony Blundetto. Minus the sociopathy. I just feel so out of it all the time. So disconnected and distracted. I'm 23, I've had a troublesome time with gaming and mental health. First comes removing gaming. Then comes dealing with what comes up. I've been doing this for a while now but hopefully, after everything is gone, I can resume Respawn Elite, and focus a lot on my therapy. I want to become focused and move on. I have no idea what I'm going to end up doing. I don't want to prescribe a career for myself. For example, I've always been told to be an actor. But I find acting quite uncomfortable. So I really don't know what I'm going to end up doing but I guess that's exciting! Like jailbreaker says, I'm very lucky to have had so much space to be misguided. Or maybe that was the problem. I'm not sure. All I can say is I have some pretty negative beliefs. One negative belief is that I'll never be able to make an intelligent contribution to society because my dad said I wasn't intelligent at a young age and I ascribed a lot of meaning to his denunciations and judgments. In other words, when someone whose considered intelligent calls you unintelligent (something unchangeable, fixed), it makes you doubt your experience. I can't confidently state something. It destroys your self-esteem. I feel awkward - sort of impostor-syndrome - if I relay a piece of information I've learnt. I feel like this must be wrong because I'm intrinsically wrong if that makes sense. Like my lack of intelligence is an unchangeable part of my identity. I've never really explored that before but I hope that makes sense. When I have a kid, I want to somehow give them a decent level of self-esteem. Of self-confidence and certainty (but also a very healthy dose of scepticism). I want them to be self-confident. Living in a pit of insecurity for so long, and understanding how it stops you from doing so much, enjoying so much, makes me want to condition them to be secure (within reason). In other words, I'm unreasonably insecure. Thought: I hurt myself so much by not trying at school. It would have done bits for my self-esteem and the negative self-belief expressed above. Getting to place of comfort where you can invest your mental energy in the world around you would be so great. I worry that my cognitive structure won't allow this, even if I try = negative belief - absolute bollocks. Completely possible to reconnect and discover a deep connection with world and knowledge! And increase your understanding. Thought: gaming is the bad habit of all bad habits. It's one bad habit I can't control or regulate. It's a bad habit that evolves into an addiction. And what do we do about bad habits? We cold turkey em'. I can't wait for someone to buy my PC. I want it out of my room! It makes it look ugly and cramped. In addition, realising it's not just gaming. Anything that leaves me feeling crap. YouTube binging especially. Watching gaming videos. Watching TikToks. Watching YouTuber boxing (?) Watching the most mindless podcasts like the Logan Paul podcast Impaulsive. Watching boxing videos (?) I am not a very violent person so I feel like this appeals to me in the same way gaming appeals to me and needs to be cut out. Things that make me feel good and don't feel like a waste of time: reading books about history - learning French - watching high quality movies that I find engaging and not just re-runs or something I'm half paying attention to. There is 1 youtube vid I want to watch about a film I watched last night by Spooky Astronaut (the YouTube vid not the film). Not to be too hard on myself if I slip up although REALLY want to avoid indulging THAT feeling (you know what I'm referring to - think YouTuber boxing videos and TikToks). If I'm not enjoying something or half-paying attention just switching it off and finding something else to do. Need to start exercising ASAP. Filling my time more with activities. Finding something to do!!! In the long-term 😄 I'm excited! I have to leave to work in 5 mins. I haven't showered or brushed my teeth (not good) - these are definitely things I should keep up! I can't wait for someone to buy my gaming bundle on eBay or Facebook marketplace. I hope that it's a local buyer so I don't have to package everything up but if it's not, so be it! I will still package each piece up individually and mail it to them! Or maybe in one MASSIVE box. You got this. Getting OUTSIDE. Being OUTSIDE and SOCIALISING are essential to enjoying your life. Think of all the times you've spent mindlessly and half-concentratedly/attentively reading CURRENT AFFAIRS!!! I don't understand life. I just went into my mum's room to socialise with her and it's like me socialising hurts me. The way in which I socialise hurts me emotionally. Like it makes me feel bad about myself in the same way playing games makes me feel bad about myself. It's so fucking strange / bizarre. If I was more considered and more careful with what I say I'd probably represent myself in a way that didn't hurt me but I don't know. It's really painful. It's almost like do I have to just force myself to do things and eventually I feel better. I'm going to work now and I'm bricking it after that. How can such a small, inconsequential interaction have such a profound affect on me? Is it reflective of how insecure I still frustratingly am? Or is it something conditioned which can't really be changed, only answered by positive feelings from doing healthy things? I really don't want to interact like that ever again. But I go back and forth, back and forth between how to present myself socially. Speaking too much? Speaking too little? Stressing about striking a balance? Becoming bored of doing it one way and seeking another way? It reminds me of when I obsess over trying to get the perfect mouse sensitivity in Fortnite. It's horrible and endless. Infinite! It's infinite. There's no answer. To do with uncertainty and doubt. Best is solution is just to do. But it's hard to socialise when it feels like it just did. It doesn't make me want to do it. Maybe I need to rethink how I socialise. Or something? It's hard though because I feel like I've got OCD and ADHD and I'm just trapped in this vicious cycle of negative thinking that's impossible to break out of. This is probably partially what I'm engaged in right now. So so fucking irritating. It spirals and then I want to hurt myself. Not in any significant way but punch myself in my head because I'm so angered by the card I've been dealt mentally. How an earth do I manage this? How an earth do I find some mental peace? Okay. Deep breath. I got this. It was just a blip. We have learned from the mistake. Be more careful and considered with what you say next time. With how you present yourself. I feel so impulsive socially. I don't think before I speak. I want to think before I speak! Surely that's a principle I can apply consistently...you'd think so but as you can tell, I really confuse myself. Alright, I'm off to work now. I'm going to try and be mindful and focused. I'm going to try and connect with my immediate environment and listen to people and do my job well but it's really hard sometimes. All I'm going to do is try my best. I'm going to try my best. That's all you can do at the end of the day. George Edited May 3 by LordFederickRamsay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jailbreaker. 55 Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 (edited) On 5/2/2023 at 3:46 AM, LordFederickRamsay said: Reading jailbreaker's journal entries makes me think I'm just an adrenaline junky. I didn't have a lofty or sophisticated reason for playing games. Or at least I never seriously interrogated the reasons for why I enjoyed or played so much! Smash Bros. was my adrenaline rush for much of my high school years and up until recently. You're not alone, my friend! By the way, I'm sorry that your dad called you unintelligent. I've had a similar experience with my dad. But he was more passive-aggressive about it, with me. With my older brothers, on the other hand, he was harsh. I'll just be honest: you remind me a lot of one of my older brothers. He struggles with ADHD and bipolar, and has been verbally abused by my dad a lot. I played Smash Bros. to avoid having to overhear my dad yelling at him, a lot of the time. The habit continued whenever I got stressed out or felt bad anytime. Such is life. From what I can gather from your journals, I believe you are intelligent, and I'm sure plenty of other people think so, too. At the end of the day, though, you can decide what you want to believe about yourself 🙂 Beating myself up over having spent thousands of hours on Smash often leads me to believe negative things about myself. Smash was ultimately just a defense mechanism; playing it was kinda like a reflex. Maybe Fortnite was the same for you? Thankfully, from therapy, I learned this way of helping myself out of that mental turmoil. I can try to ask myself, "How would I approach a friend who's dealing with addiction?" Or, "What would a good friend do/say if they saw me beating myself up?" But don't worry if you forget, or if you feel like you're not living up to your expectations. Just feel what you're feelin'. You'll find your way. It's okay, yeah? Edited May 4 by jailbreaker. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 4 Author Share Posted May 4 (edited) Day #6 Another beautiful contribution to my journal @jailbreaker. thank you! It's mean a lot to have someone reading my journal although I was also like 'yelp! I'm being so personal on the internet'! So, last night I had the best shift at work I've had so far. I was trying to be more present and listen to the people around me and it was a lot more enjoyable. I felt more connected to my work colleague, L. I've spent 3 months really not enjoying how I was socialising with the people I work with. This felt better. It also made me realise how profoundly anxious I am and that instead of escaping that feeling, I just went tolerated and accepted it. Of course, if I was regularly exercising, this feeling might not be so intense. But I realise I'm an anxious guy and I don't mind it. I think it can be a good thing in some ways. It makes me feel very alive. So yeah, socialised with L and actually had some nice moments. Got a bit quiet at the end of the shift but oh well. I think I need to be confident in who I am. I think it's OK not to get on like a house on fire with everyone although we really did have some nice moments! Last night, I dreamt vividly and strangely. One of the strongest memories of the dream is me playing Fortnite and feeling all the feelings I get when I play that game. I woke up today and strangely, when I'm feeling a bit better, or I've had a positive experience, I want to stop doing all the good habits and game again? I literally woke up and was like...'I've sorted my problems. All I have to be is more present and try my best in any given scenario and bam, that's it. Then just learning to accept the outcome. And from this I was like...let's play Fortnite!' Gaming is fine... So now I'm here venting because it's necessary to avoid gaming. I've obviously listed my gaming setup on eBay and Facebook marketplace but now...I'm like...do I need to sell it? Why don't I use it while I'm waiting to do something else? Maybe if I apply my mindfulness to playing, I'll be better? That's a load of bollocks. Although trying to be more present has put me in touch with my feelings a bit more. My god, I feel like the world is ending all the time. Or like I've got a tightrope around my neck. I feel like I could apply to do something at the moment. Like I feel brave enough to do something. I should probably capitalize on this self-confidence. Note how I have one positive social experience and my life is solved. I want to be busy and socialise. I need to remember all I can do is my best. Thought: It kind of terrifies me to be logical and serious. I feel like I have the capacity to be like this but everything comes into focus and I don't like what I feel, think or see. In other words, being emotionally secure is unappealing to me for some reason. It's scary. Update: Major urges and cravings to game. Major, major, major!!! I feel them in my hands and body. Edited May 4 by LordFederickRamsay 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 5 Author Share Posted May 5 (edited) Day #7 I'm in a rush to go out so can't write much. I've revised my listings on eBay and Facebook marketplace of my gaming setup to increase the chance it will sell. I took newer looking pictures, edited the description and title. Hopefully it will sell ASAP. I've put a lot of effort into the listings. In other news, I've been neglecting doing things that make me feel good. Eating badly, watching re-runs of Game of Thrones, watching YouTube, sleeping in, staying in all day, neglecting my very minor responsibilities... Not great. It's strange, as I get closer to selling my PC, the less I want to do other things that I know are good for me. I actually love this journal so much. It's so nice to have it so I can vent. Anyway, yeah, my urges to game have been steadily increasing. I've moved the gaming set up (it was unplugged and on my floor) from my room to my sister's. Even it's inanimate presence was affecting my spirit. I also had the WEIRDEST dream last night lest I forget. It was so emotionally charged. I wish I had written it down so I could remember the scenes. But some facts from the dream: I played Fortnite and it was during a party at my house. It was in the day. And I felt very judged. I felt very guilty for playing then had this huge argument with my sister and called her friends sociopathic narcissists and was crying aggressively and screaming at everyone even one of her male friends who I think was called Sam and he stormed out and called me an 'autist'. It was so charged and I woke up with huge cravings to play. There was this scene from the dream where my childhood friend Andy was leaving in my house's front hall and it was evening. He was with a tall Asian man and they had a small Asian boy with them who was running around. I think their fashion was like pinstripe suits and gentlemen hats. I just remember feeling like they were going somewhere and I wasn't invited and they knew something I didn't...it was all very odd. I might use this journal to write some of my dreams down in the future. I'm going out now. A bit nervous. I've been having intrusive thoughts that have been disturbing me again. They're about my therapist and are really mean. I'm trying to do what she told me about intrusive thoughts I don't like which is treat them like junk mail and return my focus to the moment. Do I see things more clearly than other people? Debatable. Sometimes my thoughts feel so true. Emotional reasoning...I treat them as true because they feel true. I don't know. Je ne sais pas! Anyway, I'm going to try and not get caught up in this! I can see the thought spiral looming. This is an opportunity to approach this differently to how I usually approach this mental event. Just bring myself back to the present and try my best. All I can do try my best at the end of the day. Definitely need to get back on good habit routine. Integral! Get outside! Exercise. Research what you're going to do. Take up a new hobby. This is an exciting time. Time to apply mental effort to something other than gaming. And this time be focused and tolerate feelings of boredom. Thought: I used to experience boredom when playing Mount and Blade: Warband and even Fortnite. Thought: Sometimes I find it hard to admit boredom talking to one of my friends. Or where I don't feel completely comfortable. Sometimes this manifests in out-of-character behaviour that is damaging to myself and mildly confusing to this around me. I want to accept things and not react impulsively to hurtful feelings. Update: Sometimes I get this feeling. This urge to just sit and do nothing. It's a feeling in my body. Of lethargy. For example, I was just watching Game of Thrones. I didn't feel anything. It wasn't making me feel great and I know there's a lot of things to do but I just don't want to do them. I need to have a shower, shave, brush my teeth, get ready to go out. I guess there's a belief when I do these things I won't enjoy them but activity is the only way to break the vicious cycle of depression. Forcing myself to do things I don't want to necessarily do. I could sit watching Game of Thrones re-runs until I die. I literally could. This 'feeling' is so strong. If it's fostered by bad habits, it remains strong and preserved. But it's so hard not to do something and then want to do nothing. I.e. do a chore then relax. But I find it hard to frame me watching Game of Thrones re-runs as relaxation. It feels like avoidance of doing things I know I need to do. The only thing that got me off the sofa was coming up here and writing on my journal and venting about the feeling I get in relation to doing stuff that I know is better / good for me. I don't feel like going out. I can't be bothered to shower or brush my teeth or fucking shave. I just don't have it in me. But if I'm applying to behavioural activation those are the things that I precisely need to do. So after this journal has helped me see that, I'm going to get up and do those things. Another thing is how I communicate or socialise over text. I feel like really unsatisfied with how present myself. Like that thing I've spoken about in earlier journal entries of harming myself by the way I socialise (like with my mum). It's so annoying and it makes me / supports that feeling that I won't enjoy going out. That it will be a repeat of this. I just hate it so much. How I interpret all these feelings to mean certain things. I guess this event (of texting) demotivated me to go out with my friends but I know it's the right thing to do because I don't really want to do it. It would be like brushing my teeth - forcing myself to do it regardless of how I feel because I know at the end it might make me feel better. Or at least, I won't feel like I'm wasting my time watching GOT re-runs or avoiding shit. Edited May 5 by LordFederickRamsay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 6 Author Share Posted May 6 (edited) Day #8 Spent a lot of time updating my listings on eBay and Facebook marketplace. I haven't seen an increase in interest though. I'm not sure why. Last night, I had a really fun night out. Probably one of the best nights out I've had in a long time. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to connect with other people. In other words, it feels sometimes like you have to force yourself to concentrate on the present but once you do, you reap the benefits of doing this: connecting with other people, learning things, having fun, being engaged etc. It's almost like I've been disconnected for so long so it's going to take some practice to reconnect. Today I've been really hungover and saw my brother Jack who came round for lunch. We hung out with my other brother, my sister-in-law and my niece and watched the coronation. It was quite nice although like I said, I am quite hungover. I've also struggled sometimes with Jack. I'm not sure why but I feel especially sensitive around him. I acknowledge this. Accept it and have a desire to grow past it. I try to remind myself that all I need to do is try my best which is true. I really want to try hard at life and not revert back to gaming as a coping mechanism for the stresses I experience. Walking to meet my friend last night through central London highlighted how triggering the outside world is for me. Thoughts, feelings, urges, guilt, shame all spring up. It's strange but like I said I'm going to treat this stuff like background noise and get on with what I want to do. I've been beholden to these types of things for far too long. Lost too much sleep and too much time. But it's not rocket science that they take you out of the moment or distract you from the present. I don't like Eckhart Tolle by the way - I'm just trying to focus on what I'm doing at any given moment and so far, it's been really rewarding although quite exhausting. I still can't exercise because of the pains I feel in my legs. I feel like work preserves the injury so I worry I won't be able to run again any time soon. This would suck though, so really hoping this isn't the case. Sometimes I find it hard to talk about politics with my brothers. Sometimes I become disengaged when politics comes up. Like my heart starts increasing, and I disassociate a little bit. It's annoying and I would rather just be present in the conversation. Not being too hard on myself about it though. I love this journal and this community so much. Two things I'm feel grateful for right now. Thought: sometimes I think that when I gamed I was in this disassociative state of mind. I don't know how else to explain it and I could be wrong but a partial focus essentially. Like the way I'm focusing now and connecting does not compare to what I used to be like when I gamed. Or maybe when it was demanded of me in game to truly focus and apply myself I was resistant because I was playing games precisely to escape having to do this. Edited May 6 by LordFederickRamsay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 7 Author Share Posted May 7 (edited) Day #9 Not much to report. Worked from 12-8. That's three shifts I've enjoyed a bit more than usual. Feeling pretty tired. Want to brush teeth and shower. Want to try and do healthy habits again. Hard to keep up. Contemplating working more. Maybe 4 shifts a week. Too much free time. Don't know what to do with it. Sort of risky because I feel a bit aimless and do things that don't make me feel good like binge YouTube. Feeling like I'm making more connections at work. Or at least having moments of connection with people. Trying to be more present in the moment has revealed my OCD to me. Sometimes it's easy to doubt you have OCD. But trying to maintain focus distinguishes it in my mind. I don't blame myself for a lot of the stuff I've done. I have clearly had a compelling reason to seek escape from my mental experience. It has also highlighted how vital aerobic fitness is for my mental health (as well as physical). I am a very anxious person and it's hard to remain in the present when feeling anxious. Thinking about what I'm going to do with my life. What I'm going to commit my time to. Update: I wanted to vent about how anxious I've been feeling lately. Just really anxious a lot of the time. It's kind of unbearable but trying to learn to tolerate it and accept it as part of me. I know you can do things to reduce the level of anxiety you feel like exercise and staying away from caffeine - two things I will hopefully commit to doing very soon. It's nice to have a place to just express how you feel. I feel a bit less anxious already although I did end up showering and brushing my teeth and drinking a lot of water. Still at a bit of a loss as to what to do in my free time. This is what scares me a little bit. I have so much free time and nothing to do. Should I ask my boss to work more days of the week? Maybe. But the urge to remove my listing on eBay and Facebook marketplace is there all the time and to play games. It's almost like I'm reconnecting with reality for a bit and am like oh this is why I gamed and wanting to go back with that reaffirmation of how intolerable the feelings I feel are and to game. But...I really want to commit to being game free from now on. I remember how shit it is REALLY playing Fortnite on my own. Or with kids half my age judging me for my life choices (such as spending time playing Fortnite with them). This is because my friend who I used to play with J, who was always defensive at the notion of gaming addiction watched Healthyggamer on YouTuber and implicitly admitted to having a bit of a problem with it and that he wanted to change it. He did. In the past, he's been more emotionally secure than me (I know using 'I' is the correct grammar but always feels really weird and I don't like it!) and I think this can be reflected in his non-negotiable change in his behaviour and relationship with gaming. He met someone he fell in love with and reduced his gaming hours a lot. He went travelling and I don't know if he still plays. I think he might play in moderation or play occasionally. Something that reflects the differences in our relationship with gaming. I'm starting to wonder though if I could game in moderation. Maybe I AM able to? I don't really want it to screw up my focus and brain chemistry though. And I don't like the mental shift to just wanting to maximise the time I play on the game. And I don't like how it's clear avoidance of feelings and mental experiences I find hard to process. Mindfulness would have made me better at Fortnite. Maybe I would've been more successful competitively. That's sort of an appealing thought. Don't really know if there's any truth to it. Realising I'm a bit of a thrill seeker. Maybe this is because my anxiety has been so high recently so hard to sit down and concentrate on something more intellectual like reading an article or book. But I'm not going to judge myself for this preference like I would have done in the near-past. The urge is strong. I don't like what gaming does to my eyes. My feelings. My energy. I don't like the feeling I'm hit with after I stop gaming. Can you maintain stable mental health and game? I should exercise. I should go on a run when I feel a craving to game. Maybe I need to engage my more 'considered' brain. It seems like this mental debate will never have any meaningful conclusion. And I'm going back and forth, back and forth. I need to maybe make more considered journal entries instead of rambling but I worry that might mean I filter myself and the prospect of writing in the journal will become less appealing because it would require more mental effort? I really don't know but my OCD is alive and well. I'm having many intrusive thoughts and moments throughout my day which are hard not to be roped into. I know this is hard to understand for someone but yeah. Maybe this is has made me want to game more. To escape from my OCD. Being present is a new experience for me. Or at least I haven't connected with my surroundings for a long, long time! I'm really quite bad at being present. That's what trying to be more present has revealed to me. And the fact that I haven't been very present for a very long time. My thoughts and feelings are profoundly distracting. Truly. Edited May 8 by LordFederickRamsay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 8 Author Share Posted May 8 (edited) Day #10 These last tens days have revealed why I've spent so much time gaming in my life. They have been emotionally tumultuous and painful. Exciting but quite scary at the same time. It feels like I'm on fire emotionally - like that's my default way of being which I have obviously found hard to process in the past and turned to things that distract me from this. I'm struggling at the moment. I have SO MUCH free time but little motivation to try new things. I'm enjoying work more for the first time in three months but I only work part-time (3 days a week). I could go up to 4...still contemplating because I do enjoy not doing anything haha. Also, that is another thing: I sleep so much. I sleep so late! I got up at midday today. Not good. I have little motivation to do basic things. I don't know what it is. I think maybe it's kind of normal. But I'd like to cook for myself, eat vegetarian, brush my teeth, wash, get changed, buy new clothes, buy some new curtains...finding these things hard AF. Update: Just got a massive urge to watch a Fortnite montage I made a few years ago. Opened YouTube. Realised I don't think I know where the video is. Closed YouTube. Close call. Really don't want to make the cravings worse by watching Fortnite content. It's just so exciting and fun. I don't have anything that comes close in real life besides maybe socialising. And I don't do as much of that as I possibly can. Update: I sort of want to deal with this feeling. Reduce it. Gaming would NOT reduce this feeling. Going outside would reduce this feeling. Exercise would reduce this feeling. Eating and sleep well would reduce this feeling. Showering, brushing your teeth might reduce this feeling. Taking care of yourself will mitigate the level of anxiety you experience to make it more tolerable. Note: Since starting this journal my dreams have been much more vivid and memorable. Update: Watched Cam's most recent video on YouTube 'How to Cure Your Screen Time' and some of the stuff he said I strongly disagree with. It's made me feel a little insecure turning to him for life advice and suggestions for what I should do with my time. I know that someone can understand a lot about one thing and not much about another but it seems a little careless to make statements about things you don't know much about - he says not going on Twitter would make you less 'toxic' and make you realise that the world isn't as bad as people on Twitter make it out to be - I've just read so much that contradicts this perspective and it seems a little close-minded / short-sighted imo. He also says that watching Netflix shows is akin to playing games because we become immersed...just realised something - I think he just wants you to use this applications like Netflix mindfully instead of not using them at all. Maybe not gaming or TikTok. I guess it was because he said that becoming immersed in the story and character's lives removes you from reality or something but lots of digital media reflects reality and life so that doesn't sit so well with me. He says watching Netflix makes you forget real life exists - but I feel like lots of digital art reflects real life and it's a great communication medium. Update: Remember how many hours it would take to get good again. How much you would have to play to reach that level of play that makes the game actually enjoyable. How many hours. How much time and effort. How sad and lonely and embarrassed and shameful you might feel (but also Game Shame is bad! And I experienced a lot of this growing up and I'm pretty sure this forum not explicitly but implicitly contributes to this) Edited May 8 by LordFederickRamsay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 9 Author Share Posted May 9 (edited) Day #11 Not much to report. In same position as before. Trying to replace bad habits with good ones. Struggling. Still feel a bit more mentally secure than before. Hopefully it stays this way. I do feel like I'm walking on a tightrope sometimes...all the time. George P.S: Gaming also really messed up my eyesight. Update: Feeling a bit weird. Went for a run. Had a shower. Brushed my teeth. Watched re-runs of Game of Thrones all day. Have work tomorrow morning. Really struggling. Have so much free time. Reluctant to fill for some reason. Everyday reminds me of why I played games in the first place. Hard not to justify playing with so much free time and so little to do. Enjoying socialising more. Have been really trying to listen to people and understand them. Could get better at expressing myself. Like be more precise and clearer. I actually find it really uncomfortable opening up sincerely. Something I've discovered in the last eleven days. I wish I was brave enough to say what I truly think. I did this recently. It felt satisfying and representative. Edited May 9 by LordFederickRamsay 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zoe 129 Posted May 9 Share Posted May 9 1 hour ago, LordFederickRamsay said: Struggling. Still feel a bit more mentally secure than before. This gives me hope. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zoe 129 Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 On 5/1/2023 at 5:04 AM, LordFederickRamsay said: Day #3 Feeling a bit confused. My shift at work went as expected. I don't know whether it's just because I don't get on with the people I work with or I struggle to be present (I feel like I'm in my head the whole time or a lot of the time worrying about what people think of me or...sometimes I think I see the world in this particular way, that I see things quite clearly but to live according to this perspective would be tiring and horrible. It's like a super moral view of the world. What's right and wrong. But then I counter myself by who am I to judge what's right and wrong? But there are things that are clearly bad. Like a guy at work making a comment about how Edinburgh is full of Chinese people, the implication being that this is a bad thing. Then I start rationalizing their comment: well, lots of Chinese students don't speak English and the cultures are very different making connection hard so not wanting to go to a university where Chinese people make up the majority of the student body is unappealing for good reason. But then when I went to Uni I remember that firstly; lots of Chinese students and people experience racial abuse. And two that I spoke to some and even though we didn't (in this case) speak each other's language very well, they were very sweet and it was a pleasant experience. You could also claim it was quite cool to have lots of Chinese people there, so you can meet and learn about a culture you're ignorant of but this maybe sounds better than it works in practice. I feel for people who are Chinese but grew up in England or America and then hear things like that. I'm sure it's a bit hurtful because it's painting anyone whose Chinese with the same brush. I guess thinking of a Chinese person as someone who doesn't speak English and is culturally different is a bit of a caricature because there are lots of Chinese people who don't meet this stereotype. Had a really shitty work shift last night. I feel like awkward for 6 hours. Honestly, I'm going to keep up this blog but I'm aware it's all over the place, and just a stream-of-consciousness. Sometimes I get really in my head about how to be. Should I focus more on the moment? I just want to find some mental peace and consistency but it feels impossible. I'll do some meditation after this. So, because my shift was shit, I came back and I'm looking for solutions. So I turn to mindfulness again. Start reading a few articles which say like mindfulness simplified is just focusing on one thing at a time. It's being attentive etc. This has always come hard to me. I have an ADD diagnosis but my brother who is a clinical psychologist once said he didn't believe in it which has influenced my own belief in it. But I think he was just thinking about how the behavior associated with it has been over pathologized, not doubting the recorded experiences of people with it. And maybe not thinking it warrants taking medication. Then I start questioning whether I'm focusing adequately. Or thinking hard enough. Like am I thinking hard enough right now while doing this? Am I focused enough? Am I representing myself truthfully? Could I think more before I type? This insecurity in my experience is so frustrating and seems to have no end and kills motivations to do anything. I don't know if I can maintain the healthy habits I've developed recently. I'm feeling pretty down right now and cynical about it all. I also can't exercise at the moment because my legs hurt so much from a run I did recently (I think I injured myself). Ever get that thing where you focus really closely and everything comes into focus and you say something very meaningful? And thoughtful? Now I'm changing between that understanding and focus and security and complete insecurity - like now I'm thinking I don't have to sell my PC. That I can play in moderation. But I don't want to do this but when I focus, and think about it, I think this is possible. Whatever happens, I'll go without playing for 90 days. I'm so confused. I've got myself in a right mess. I wish I could chill the F out. Why does feeling mentally secure demotivate me to do anything else like my healthy habits? That makes no sense! And why is it so unsustainable. Like what is wrong with me!? My friend is smart and says things sometimes that I know have value but am too lazy to concentrate on or too scared to invest meaning into because it might change something or if I did the next day I'd just lose that grip around that piece of knowledge and be back where I started. I'm not sure writing this journal is making me feel very good. My therapist says do things even when you don't want to and they'll influence how you feel about yourself/your mood. This has been sort of true lately but now I'm starting to get caught up in the debate about whether I'm being focused and present. The feelings and thoughts that lead me to this amount of distress and confusion and frustration and irritability are the reason I have gamed in the past. It's a break from this. Or maybe avoiding this stuff because it seems endless and like there's no certainty in sight. I feel inconsistent, unprincipled. Ah, I just felt some security. I was looking out my window and I realised that I'm clearly rambling here. I think this whole thing is another manifestation of my OCD. So easy to lose perspective. I should try and remember this. Be kind to myself and occupy my mind. UPDATE: Just had the thought that OCD is like a sinkhole. You become so occupied with yourself you forget there's a world out there. It's so horrible. I feel a bit of a break right now. It's almost like I rambled until I felt a bit better! I wish I could exercise at the moment. This would help a lot. Another thought: I feel like I've been sticking my head in the sand for a long time. Or at least, sticking it in, taking it out, sticking it in. Mostly sticking it in though. Another thought: Realising I'm a pretty intelligent guy! Appreciate the shift in thinking. This reflects the volatility of my mental health and brain behaviour. Although this feels a lot more connected than the stuff I was putting out before. I understand things. I have good comprehension. I see the world more clearly than others. And I'm empathetic. I can be whacky and intelligent at the same time. Not everything requires intense focus. It's also very satisfying reading something closely and understanding it. Especially concerning another person's experience. I could be a smart leftist. I have what it takes. I have a personality. I definitely get easily distracted. Still trying to work out whether gaming is as bad as Cam and others have made it out to be. Can you play in moderation? It makes me feel so guilty playing games. Does this project just contribute to those feelings? It's very prescriptive advice. But then prescriptive advice is sometimes needed, like with someone who is addicted to drugs? Another thoughts: Things are making a bit more sense right now. You don't have to be mean. It's a choice. There are lots of intelligent people who choose not to be mean because it's a choice. More thoughts: I thought because I feel a bit better right now, and more clearheaded that I should continue journaling outside my allotted 1 hour. I'm realising all of my feelings are valid experiences. In other words, I'm secure in them. Realising how much time and energy OCD has taken from me. How it has contributed to me feeling really confused about a variety of different things. Life is exciting! Right now, I'm at a loss of what to do with my free time. The gaming PC looms. It's strange that when I start to feel a bit better, it becomes more appealing. I'm feeling a sense of excitement right now. Excitement and anxiety are hard to differentiate but excitement is accompanied by positive thoughts and security. I've been very insecure for a very long time. All I want to be is secure in myself. Right now I feel like this. How do I make it last forever? I guess I could revisit this journal post. This whole journal post is reflective of what it's like to live with OCD and mood swings. I wonder if I will crash. I do feel overexcited right now. I was trying to read @jailbreaker.'s journal but couldn't focus because of feeling excited. I started vibing to Billy Joel. Does anyone else worry about posting intimate details of their personal lives on this forum? I think that is a valid concern. Another thought: I can learn something from Mr. Roberts about Psychology. Even if you don't see the world in the same way as someone else, they can still impart knowledge onto you. Another thought: Remember if you're thinking about whether you're concentrating, you're not concentrating. That's okay. Try not to get frustrated with yourself, and simply notice that you're stuck in that mental debate and return focus to whatever it is you're doing. My comprehension levels are good. Another thought: habits are things you do without thinking. Good habits like brushing your teeth every day, without thinking about it can be developed. And are good for your mood. Gaming is arguably a bad habit, when done in excess. Another thought: working at school would have been a healthy habit. Therefore, if I had the chance to do school again, I probably would work because it would have made me feel good and would have been healthy for me to do so. Another thought: Going on YouTube, TikTok etc. although lots of people can do this and be content, it makes me feel bad. It other words I'm putting it under the category 'bad habits' because I'm almost certain it is. It's not that there's anything wrong with it, but for me personally, it makes me feel bad so that's going to be greatly reduced. Basically just need to become really good at reducing stuff that makes you feel dodge and increasing stuff that makes you feel good. I have been working on reading your journal because I resonate in a somewhat visceral way. I have ADD, OCD and PTSD. I know that feeling of inadequacy when people don't think ADD is real. I'm not sure if you have read any articles/books about neurodiversity, but I think ADD is explained much better under that spectrum. It's real...so real...and SO misunderstood. Because of my brain, not able to put this in words that make sense..but, I think you'll get that. OCD...omg...when I was reading through your another thought, another thought, another thought...it gave me goose bumps...this is my brain...constantly. I'm learning how to accept those thoughts and move on from them or decide which ones I want to delve into. Thank you so much for your vulnerability with sharing these intimate details. You really strike me as a person who is an "old soul", beyond your years. It's impressive, and a gift. 🙂 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 10 Author Share Posted May 10 (edited) Day #12 Oh. My. God. I just had the most boring shift at work. It felt like I was watching paint dry on a wall. I compared it also to walking through a desert without water. It was so dull. I also was routed! by intrusive thoughts and feelings ALL day. Absolutely brutal. I get SO in my head. I don't think I can share the content of the thoughts and feelings as they're so taboo and disturbing. There's definitely a lot of truth to them but my god, it was a relentless onslaught of thoughts and feelings. Looking forward to therapy. Desperately need to fill my time with something. Have been contemplating pursuing acting AGAIN (I've tried acting like a gazillion times). I'm in an OK head space regardless of the thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing. My OCD is a powerful force. Reality feels like a rude confrontation and I find it deeply uncomfortable. I know I'm a little vague and general. But like I've said before, I use this journal for venting. It feels nice to have somewhere to come and write. @BooksandTrees @Zoe @jailbreaker. I know I'm quite responsive to your journal posts (not @BooksandTrees yet) but I just wanted to say please do not feel obliged to read my journal because I read yours. I'm an incredible rambler and it would make me feel uncomfortable if I was imposing my ramblings on people who felt they had to read them for whatever reason! I really mean this. In other news, I've bought the first book of the Mistborn series by Brandon Sanderson. Hopefully this will be a healthy activity that takes my mind of gaming and other shit that disturbs the bajeezus out of me. My mind just goes on and on in circles and circles. I am a compulsive ruminator. I am impulsive and reckless. This scares me because in the past, my thoughts and feelings have compelled me to act on them (I am in control of my actions - so it's obviously me doing these things - I acknowledge that). I just wish I didn't have this maelstrom going on inside me all the time! It's so uncomfortable. I've been trying my best to focus on the present but I find this incredibly hard. Although it has earnt me some nice moments in the recent weeks. Quitting gaming is just so hard. We've all agreed that the community suffers from its inactivity but this is a strange way is what makes me think Game Quitter's mission is a positive. It's hard. Being hard indicates its healthy. If that makes sense. In other words, there's not really an edge to Game Quitters. No hidden agenda. So yeah, I think its a good project. It's not attractive or appealing because it's hardline on games and people are probably put off by that because its hard to put into practice because it requires genuine strength and endurance. I THINK (could be wrong) I'll be posting shorter journal entries soon because I want to become aware of when I'm thought spiraling and make sure my journal entries are meaningful. Although...setting this as a condition might make journalling less appealing so need to be careful of that because it's definitely a net good for me. Note: Listening to 4 AEM by Grimes makes me want to play Fortnite and become a professional 😅 - listening to it right now. Probably not a great idea but couldn't resist! Thought: Cam says to centralise your gaming to help with excessive playing. This probably is good advice but I had my PC in the middle of my kitchen for ten years and I'd play while my whole family was having dinner next to me. It was a nightmare practically and also I felt the game-shame oozing out of them! But it did nothing to abate my gaming habits. Update: Feeling cravings right now. Update: Vaping makes me anxious! Note: The more anxious I feel, the stronger urge to find a way to avoid it or distract me from it...not rocket science. I vape. It makes me anxious. I want to game. I feel irritable and frustrated and uncomfortable. Watch out for this. Update: I'm really dissatisfied with how I express myself. For example, I think I've gotten in to the habit of expressing myself poorly or unclearly with certain people who have let me get away with it because you know...they're nice. But in actuality, it leaves me feeling a bit shit. For example, my mum and I just spoke about politics. I don't know whether it's specifically when politics comes up, but I just express myself so poorly. I don't think it is to do just with politics as this happens with my friend J, when we talk about my mental health or other stuff. I'd really like to get better at expressing myself. I've gotten better at listening to people - although today I've been not been able to focus very well. Edited May 10 by LordFederickRamsay 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 10 Author Share Posted May 10 (edited) 1 hour ago, Zoe said: I have been working on reading your journal because I resonate in a somewhat visceral way. I have ADD, OCD and PTSD. I know that feeling of inadequacy when people don't think ADD is real. I'm not sure if you have read any articles/books about neurodiversity, but I think ADD is explained much better under that spectrum. It's real...so real...and SO misunderstood. Because of my brain, not able to put this in words that make sense..but, I think you'll get that. OCD...omg...when I was reading through your another thought, another thought, another thought...it gave me goose bumps...this is my brain...constantly. I'm learning how to accept those thoughts and move on from them or decide which ones I want to delve into. Thank you so much for your vulnerability with sharing these intimate details. You really strike me as a person who is an "old soul", beyond your years. It's impressive, and a gift. 🙂 Thank you @Zoe 😅 P.S: Don't feel obliged to catch up on people's journals. I tried to do this at first but it's a lot of work. I'd recommend just sticking to their most recent post unless you really want to do this. Edited May 10 by LordFederickRamsay 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BooksandTrees 4,140 Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 1 hour ago, LordFederickRamsay said: Thank you @Zoe 😅 P.S: Don't feel obliged to catch up on people's journals. I tried to do this at first but it's a lot of work. I'd recommend just sticking to their most recent post unless you really want to do this. Yeah, I used to feel very obliged. That being said, let people read and see what they have to say @LordFederickRamsay. It's a two way street in this community I think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zoe 129 Posted May 10 Share Posted May 10 2 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said: but I just wanted to say please do not feel obliged to read my journal because I read yours. I'm an incredible rambler and it would make me feel uncomfortable if I was imposing my ramblings on people who felt they had to read them for whatever reason! I really mean this. I read journal entries particularly when I am having cravings….so hey, you’re helping a sister out. 😀 2 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said: THINK (could be wrong) I'll be posting shorter journal entries soon because I want to become aware of when I'm thought spiraling and make sure my journal entries are meaningful. Although...setting this as a condition might make journalling less appealing so need to be careful of that because it's definitely a net good for me. I hope this wasn’t triggered because you don’t want people to be obliged to read your journals. Honestly, I don’t see them as rambling. They are vulnerable and real. Do whatever helps you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordFederickRamsay 107 Posted May 11 Author Share Posted May 11 Day #13 Feel a little misunderstood by the more experienced users @Ikar and @BooksandTrees - I was just self-conscious that @Zoe felt obligated to read my ramblings over the past two weeks. Of course it's a two-way community and keeping up with the journals I've chosen to keep up with is one of the things I value a lot - but they're probably right that relying on the advice and recommendations of people who have been around a lot longer than someone who has only recently become active is prudent. Although I didn't appreciate how this was communicated by @Ikar in @Zoe's journal. I also do plan to (hopefully) sell my PC - I've now lowered the price on eBay and Facebook marketplace in hope that someone will buy it - complete my 90 day detox and maybe the whole of Respawn Elite and then move on from Game Quitter's. But I plan to complete the 90 day detox with daily updates of how it's going. Today, I played tennis with my mum. I got up quite early and we played in our local park. It was fun although I feel lethargic and it wasn't as physically rewarding as going on a run or jog. I'm planning on going on a run tomorrow morning although I've been struggling with a number of minor injuries. I got back from tennis, and I'm hit by this: What am I going to do with the rest of my day? I have so much free time. I think I need to research what I'm going to do. It's about time. I turn 24 in July! 24! This reinforces my conviction to remove gaming from my life. I need to remember that I've played in excess for ten years and missed out a lot and that it was obviously unhealthy. I really don't want to play games again. This journal helps as a way of reminding me of this. I don't really know what I'm going to do now, after I finish updating my journal and responding to the few journals I've committed to responding to. I guess I could start reading Mistborn. See if I like it. But that can't fill a whole day. Gaming leaves such a void. Like I don't even have a desire to game anymore. It's only been thirteen days but the desire to play has been greatly reduced. This fact, although at first might appear desirable, is actually uncomfortable because gaming is such a crutch for me. It's almost like I desire to desire games again. In other news, I've been thinking of buying an acoustic guitar. Doing some research. Getting a cool acoustic guitar and learning to play. My fingers would hate me for it. But it could fill that space a little. Abate my boredom some. Anyway, that's it for today. George 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zoe 129 Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 Gonna respond to this later. I want to know...but I also know I'm using that to avoid going to work...so...yeah, later. 🙂 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zoe 129 Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 12 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said: the journals I've chosen to keep up with is one of the things I value a lot - but they're probably right that relying on the advice and recommendations of people who have been around a lot longer than someone who has only recently become active is prudent. Although I didn't appreciate how this was communicated by I’m feeling compelled to mediate and make things ok here . Usually I would ruminate about this and try to find the perfect way to validate both @LordFederickRamsayand @IkarInstead I’m just going to say what I think happened. I think Ikar was advising me to filter journals to read by people who have at least been active in the past month. If someone has a ton of posts but hasn’t posted in two years, fair to say that if you reply to one of their journals it might be effort that could have been used towards someone who is currently active. I hope that’s what it was. If not, then for the sake of meeting my goal of being my true self I will tell @Ikar to apologize to @LordFederickRamsay. 12 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said: Gaming leaves such a void. Like I don't even have a desire to game anymore. It's only been thirteen days but the desire to play has been greatly reduced. This fact, although at first might appear desirable, is actually uncomfortable because gaming is such a crutch for me. It's almost like I desire to desire games again. It makes me think about the breadth of grief and loss. Grief doesn’t just happen when someone we love dies. It happens through transitions of life. You are “losing” something that was a hugeeee part of your life. It brought you comfort, joy, anger…all the feelings we need….and then it also brought you shame and guilt…which makes the grieving process really fucking complicated. I’ve been told to allow myself to go through the stages of grief with this loss even if it seems silly. I’m still bargaining. I have these insanely vivid dreams about the heroes I played. Seriously, I think Angela in mlbb was my best friend and I freaking miss her, as crazy as that is…it’s a feeling I have. 13 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said: In other news, I've been thinking of buying an acoustic guitar. Doing some research. Getting a cool acoustic guitar and learning to play Do it! Thanks for your entry. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jailbreaker. 55 Posted May 12 Share Posted May 12 (edited) 4 hours ago, Zoe said: I’ve been told to allow myself to go through the stages of grief with this loss even if it seems silly. I’m still bargaining. I have these insanely vivid dreams about the heroes I played. Seriously, I think Angela in mlbb was my best friend and I freaking miss her, as crazy as that is…it’s a feeling I have. I feel this so hard XD. I sobbed for hours when Spoiler Alert!! Akechi from Persona 5 Royal died. I got a soft spot for anti-heroes. He was brutal and deceitful, yet clever and righteous. But all he really wanted, in doing all the horrible deeds he did, was some pals, some freedom, and some validation. He fought for the truth until the bitter end, too. Sacrificed himself to help return the world back to its non-distorted state. Gah. Rest in peace, my frenemy. Anyway, I feel ya. Just goes to show how deeply videogames can convince us that we're actually immersed in a world with these characters, fighting/living alongside them. Trying my best to replace this aspect of gaming with D&D; it's more social and creative than videogames for me; doesn't leave me feeling empty long-term, either. Side note: here's a quote from a different Persona 5 character that really struck me, and felt real: Quote from Yusuke (artsy archetype character): "Even should I scar my work with doubt, hesitation, chaos... certainly, that's a beauty all its own. Your life is no worse for its own scars. Your truest beauty lies in them, and I hope you tell me their stories someday." Isn't that so deep? What are your thoughts on it? Edited May 12 by jailbreaker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ikar 1,984 Posted May 12 Share Posted May 12 19 hours ago, LordFederickRamsay said: Feel a little misunderstood by the more experienced users @Ikar and @BooksandTrees - I was just self-conscious that @Zoe felt obligated to read my ramblings over the past two weeks. Of course it's a two-way community and keeping up with the journals I've chosen to keep up with is one of the things I value a lot - but they're probably right that relying on the advice and recommendations of people who have been around a lot longer than someone who has only recently become active is prudent. Although I didn't appreciate how this was communicated by @Ikar in @Zoe's journal. I also do plan to (hopefully) sell my PC - I've now lowered the price on eBay and Facebook marketplace in hope that someone will buy it - complete my 90 day detox and maybe the whole of Respawn Elite and then move on from Game Quitter's. But I plan to complete the 90 day detox with daily updates of how it's going. 6 hours ago, Zoe said: I’m feeling compelled to mediate and make things ok here . Usually I would ruminate about this and try to find the perfect way to validate both @LordFederickRamsayand @IkarInstead I’m just going to say what I think happened. I think Ikar was advising me to filter journals to read by people who have at least been active in the past month. If someone has a ton of posts but hasn’t posted in two years, fair to say that if you reply to one of their journals it might be effort that could have been used towards someone who is currently active. I hope that’s what it was. If not, then for the sake of meeting my goal of being my true self I will tell @Ikar to apologize to @LordFederickRamsay. Ah, I see now how you understood my message! No, I didn't imply that your advice is less valid than mine or anyone else's. I meant my post in the way @Zoe described. I'm sometimes known for being blunt and cumbersome in my communication, but I hope I understood you correctly and that the message is clear now 🙂 As a side note; I think the situation is different for threads that are meant as a discussion, e.g. somebody makes a thread "What to do with all the free time after I have quit gaming?" That kind of thread can remain relevant forever. Journals normally don't though, as they live and die with the activity of the author. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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