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Zoe

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Day 6-9

Gratitude: I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with my best friends and little babies this weekend! It was sooo needed. My 2 best friends are my girls…we are similar in so many ways…Being with them is just comfort. One of them moved to Boston about 5 years ago and we have only seen each other once during that time. So, over the past 3 days there has been girl time silliness, deep conversations, late nights and no gaming!

I’m trying to keep the feeling of this weekend in my mind to keep me hopeful and motivated. It shows me how much my environment affects my emotional state. It’s made me think a lot about what is hurting my happiness the most. It is my job. It’s just toxic. So, I will start seriously taking the steps to leave. Yesterday, I took the steps to start private practice. I have a business ID and Account now. I have completed the paperwork with my consultant and I had a zoom meeting with her yesterday and feel really encouraged and supported. 

I’m looking forward to catching up on @LordFederickRamsayand @jailbreaker. journals! I’m exhausted now,  so going to have to wait until the morning. 

Goodnight all!

 

 

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3 hours ago, Zoe said:

I’m trying to keep the feeling of this weekend in my mind to keep me hopeful and motivated. It shows me how much my environment affects my emotional state. It’s made me think a lot about what is hurting my happiness the most. It is my job. It’s just toxic. So, I will start seriously taking the steps to leave. Yesterday, I took the steps to start private practice. I have a business ID and Account now. I have completed the paperwork with my consultant and I had a zoom meeting with her yesterday and feel really encouraged and supported. 

All the best in your new venture! I hope it goes well for you, as it has gone for me 😄  

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 Day 10

Graditude

1.  Grateful that I've made it to Day 10!  I relapsed at Day 7 on my first attempt, so this is 3 days longer. 🙂

2.  Grateful for the clarinet playlist that I made, making me very happy this morning.  

3.  Grateful for the cuteness of my cats.  Seriously, they are running around right now, chasing each other and it's hilarious to watch them.  In my next life, I hope I come back as a cat (specifically a ragdoll cat).  

 

How am I feeling right now?  I still have the that pit/butterflies in my stomach..anxious? worried? uneasy?  Not really sure, but it's there, not as intense now so that's a good thing.  I think it might be caused by my next goal of reducing/eliminating youtube from my life.  I feel horrible when I do it cause it just makes me want to game and quite honestly has no value in my life.  I deleted it from my bookmarks bar.  Going to work on how to block it this evening.  Also trying to work on the ADHD part of the impulsivity of mindlessly scrolling the internet for productivity apps, planners, etc.  It's just an avoidance of work/life.  I've signed up for an accountability group, not really accountability...I don't like that word, too punitive.  It's a body doubling group.  Basically hop on a zoom call with a few other members, state your goals for the time set (60-90) minutes.  Work on mute (cameras on) for the time period and then check in with everyone on their progress.  I have a 7 day free trial, so I'll see how it goes and then decide if I want to continue.  

Feeling a little guilty about not moving forward on my goals of learning to play the clarinet again.  I know this is because I have this compulsive "people pleasing" thing/gene/whatever the word for it is. I don't want to disappoint @jailbreaker.I don't need/want reassurance that I'm not, just stating how I feel. 🙂. I'm still excited to do it, just need to wait until I get paid (or maybe put it off until my next pay schedule) to buy the equipment I need.  Ah! "I got Rhythm" just came on, got me all motivated again.  

Gotta run (not literally to work) so....good day to everyone!

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8 hours ago, Zoe said:

Basically hop on a zoom call with a few other members, state your goals for the time set (60-90) minutes.  Work on mute (cameras on) for the time period and then check in with everyone on their progress.  I have a 7 day free trial, so I'll see how it goes and then decide if I want to continue. 

Good luck, I hope this works out for you!

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18 hours ago, Zoe said:

Feeling a little guilty about not moving forward on my goals of learning to play the clarinet again.  I know this is because I have this compulsive "people pleasing" thing/gene/whatever the word for it is. I don't want to disappoint @jailbreaker.I don't need/want reassurance that I'm not, just stating how I feel. 🙂. I'm still excited to do it, just need to wait until I get paid (or maybe put it off until my next pay schedule) to buy the equipment I need.  Ah! "I got Rhythm" just came on, got me all motivated again.  

Ha, I feel that whole compulsive "people pleasing" thing a lot myself. It's a habit I developed in high school. Always yearning for good grades, people's approval, etc., 'cause I was always an "outsider." Working hard was my way of trying to set a good example for the younger kids, as well as a way to make sure I was still respected by my peers and teachers, I thought. So funny how I always view others based on their inherent value as people, whereas I see myself based solely upon my efforts sometimes. Part of why my "gaming shame" was so bad. iykyk. I was respected, I would say, but I made a lot of sacrifices, including my mental and physical health, and having any ability to form close relationships with people. Gaming made it worse, too.

 

Dungeon Master research and world-building is a great example. I always find one more thing that might just make the setting/characters/themes a little more interesting, and the constant satisfaction of "aha" moments keeps me at it. Very similar to videogames in that way. The only difference with my DM research and gaming is that I'm trying to find real people's approval instead of virtual/imagined people. Can be stressful, and I'm still learning to approach it from a healthier standpoint.

 

What keeps me in check most of the time though is a sort of mantra that I recite to myself:

"It goes out fast, and comes back slow."

 

Reminds me that I expend lots of energy and lose track of time, especially when I'm doing stuff for other people. Thus, when I notice it happening/has happened, I gotta decide to take time for myself to recover, even if it doesn't feel like I need it. Could be anything as simple as taking a sip of water, eating a snack, or excusing myself for a bit. Or, something more relaxing and/or hobby-based if I'm at home/have time.

"It goes out fast, and comes back slow."

 

Oh! Jeez, see, there I go again, rambling. That's another "going out fast"/losing track of time moment. Apologies for the lengthy response! Hope it was helpful/relatable in some way. Oh, and don't worry about the clarinet stuff. I know it's expensive to get good equipment, but if you don't wanna spend a bunch of money, feel free to just get whatever's cheapest, or whatever. It's your life, my friend! Apologies if I made you feel pressured in any way. Whatever you decide, you got this👍 

 

(Quick song recommendation before I go, too: "Careless Love" performed by Dr. Michael White. It's a classic blues song that's been adapted by a lot of different artists. There are a couple versions from him, but I especially like the one with brass in it. It's got New Orleans jazz vibes! Speaking of which, New Orleans jazz is a clarinet goldmine if you wanna hear more of it.)

Edited by jailbreaker.
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12 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

The only difference with my DM research and gaming is that I'm trying to find real people's approval instead of virtual/imagined people. Can be stressful, and I'm still learning to approach it from a healthier standpoint

I think when you have been doing something so long (searching for approval) it just takes practice and more more practice doing it a different way. At least that’s what I am telling myself!

 

12 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

Oh! Jeez, see, there I go again, rambling. That's another "going out fast"/losing track of time moment. Apologies for the lengthy response! Hope it was helpful/relatable in some way. Oh, and don't worry about the clarinet stuff.

Of course it was helpful! I love a good ramble. Clarinet—-I want to get the right equipment! Kind of obsessive like that. But…you are right…I could start with what I have. Not the reeds..they hurt. lol

 

12 hours ago, jailbreaker. said:

Quick song recommendation before I go, too: "Careless Love" performed by Dr. Michael White. It's a classic blues song that's been adapted by a lot of different artists. There are a couple versions from him, but I especially like the one with brass in it. It's got New Orleans jazz vibes! Speaking of which, New Orleans jazz is a clarinet goldmine if you wanna hear more of it.)

Thank you! Looking forward to checking it out.

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Day 11

Gratitude: One particular co-worker is so supportive of me. Really appreciate that.

Grateful for the sun today. I’m sitting outside eating my lunch. Although it’s really hot….the vitamin d feels good 

Felt good yesterday and today. Feeling less brain foggy…less raw emotion. Able to cope with urges easier. Still tough, but a bit easier 

Not watching youtube as much, but still too much. It’s losing its spark though, so I know I’ll be able to do it. 

I am trying to be careful with setting big goals right now. I tend to go full force on something and then get bored with going full force and quit. Not sure if that makes sense. Anyway…slow and steady is my motto right now. 

Looking forward to seeing a nutritionist on June 6. I really believe food is medicine and I want to seek advice from the professionals. Will be fun in some sort of nerdy way. 

Ohhh I started reading The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes.  Love me some hunger games.

I think that’s all I have for now

Lying in bed feeling a bit anxious. The irrational, impending doom type anxious. I decided to journal a bit to see if it helps. Writing this makes me want to draw the doom. What would it look like irl? I think 4 gigantic walls around me, no windows, and only enough room for me to turn around. I do see  a light up above. Is that hope? Wait, did I just describe a wishing well and I’m at the bottom? I am the decider of wishes..there…much less anxiety now that I laughed at myself. 

I’m kinda worried about @LordFederickRamsay. I’m worried about saying that..hope you’re ok. 

Edited by Zoe
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16 hours ago, Zoe said:

I’m kinda worried about @LordFederickRamsay. I’m worried about saying that..hope you’re ok. 

I'm okay. Thanks for caring! Had a bit of a weird time lately. Was drinking a lot and it must've depleted my serotonin. But yeah, was definitely depressed/low mood for a while there. Still struggling to climb back out. I know this isn't my journal, just providing some reasons why I've been inactive. My job still sucks. Basically, I went for drinks with my work colleagues (all people my age - diverse) at the start of my job in January, and it sucked. I was so in my head, socially anxious, having all these horrible thoughts, and was also seriously feeling the affects/effects (never know which one is the right one) of drinking too much. Then, about a week ago, I went for drinks with my work colleagues about 4 months after this occasion, thinking times had changed, I had changed, and that it'd be really fun and I had the EXACTLY same experience and it just left me feeling bitter, frustrated and upset. So, that's partly why I've been feeling so low, and now I've basically given my job up. I made a lie and am now working one shift a week for the foreseeable future! 

Hehe, sorry for polluting your journal with what should be a contribution to my own, but there you go!

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47 minutes ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Is that the new Hunger Game's book that they've made a film adaptation of? I'd like to read it. 

I think so. It’s about Cornelius Snow.

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1 hour ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Hehe, sorry for polluting your journal with what should be a contribution to my own, but there you go!

Lol. No worries, we all do it. @LordFederickRamsay

Im really sorry about the depression and work sucking. It’s so hard to go to a job that sucks. I don’t want to give advice here. I’ve found that advice triggers some anxiety with me, like if I don’t take it then I am disappointing someone. Or it makes me feel incredibly low when I can’t muster up the strength to do said advice. Enough on that ramble…what I want to say is…Please know, you deserve happiness…I really believe you have the tools to get there. Oh, and a healthy dose of vitamin d (from the sun) never hurt anyone. Sorry, advice happened. 

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I forgot what day it is…13?

Just doing a quick check in. I have a generalized gratitude for life today…nothing specific, just overall grateful.

I have read some of your journals today @Faroe Islander @LordFederickRamsay and @jailbreaker. I want to respond in a thoughtful manner and that’s not the mood I am in. I kinda want to just play with my silly cats lol. 

All is well…can’t wait to describe my demon childhood days lollll

 

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Day 14

Gratitude..

3 day weekends.

Opportunities to improve my health

My new planner

Feeling a little on edge today. A tournament is coming up for mobile legends, so I’ve been watching youtube videos about predictions, etc. Probably why I’m on edge. Not sure why I watch them, just makes me want to game. Been thinking about this a lot. My goal is really to stop doing things that make me feel like shit about myself. @LordFederickRamsaywrote about this a little in his journal…at least it’s how I understood it. I don’t want to quit gaming…or anything out of obligation. I want to do it because it’s something that makes me healthier, mentally and physically. The unintended shaming of this program makes me cringe sometimes, but, I’m trying to take the parts that work for me, and leave things that don’t lying on the ground. I’ve read a lot about what actually helps people with addiction, whether it’s quitting completely or just developing a healthier relationship with whatever substance. My point is, social support tends to be a major factor in predicting success for these goals. That’s the part of this program that I like, the community. I like that I can come here and get the ramble out of my head and there might be others who can relate a bit. I like the fact that if I don’t journal for a few days, someone might ask If I disappeared. I think I’m trying to say…thanks guys for being a part of my social support. 😀

That’s gonna be it for tonight cause I really want to respond to some other journals. 

 

Toots..

 

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6 hours ago, Zoe said:

Day 14

Gratitude..

3 day weekends.

Opportunities to improve my health

My new planner

Feeling a little on edge today. A tournament is coming up for mobile legends, so I’ve been watching youtube videos about predictions, etc. Probably why I’m on edge. Not sure why I watch them, just makes me want to game. Been thinking about this a lot. My goal is really to stop doing things that make me feel like shit about myself. @LordFederickRamsaywrote about this a little in his journal…at least it’s how I understood it. I don’t want to quit gaming…or anything out of obligation. I want to do it because it’s something that makes me healthier, mentally and physically. The unintended shaming of this program makes me cringe sometimes, but, I’m trying to take the parts that work for me, and leave things that don’t lying on the ground. I’ve read a lot about what actually helps people with addiction, whether it’s quitting completely or just developing a healthier relationship with whatever substance. My point is, social support tends to be a major factor in predicting success for these goals. That’s the part of this program that I like, the community. I like that I can come here and get the ramble out of my head and there might be others who can relate a bit. I like the fact that if I don’t journal for a few days, someone might ask If I disappeared. I think I’m trying to say…thanks guys for being a part of my social support. 😀

That’s gonna be it for tonight cause I really want to respond to some other journals. 

 

Toots..

 

And respond you did 🙂 , at the time of this writing I can see like 4-5 posts you did in other people's journals lol

I can relate to that, quitting out of obligation, like if someone else told me to do it, doesn't really fit. It's something to better myself, try to live a better life. Sort things out, physically, mentally, and spiritually. And I feel you on the unintended shaming, it's what made me leery of Game Quitters initially. It seems like there's people here who genuinely want to live better lives, and develop a way of life that involves facing it head on, without video games as a crutch. That's good company to keep, in my opinion.

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6 hours ago, DanielG said:

can relate to that, quitting out of obligation, like if someone else told me to do it, doesn't really fit. It's something to better myself, try to live a better life

Exactly…if there isn’t intrinsic reasons for quitting…it’s not gonna stick. 

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YEAH, THIS MIGHT BE TRIGGERING.

 

Day 15

Too triggered to write about gratitude right now. Trying not to react. Also trying not to be silent and look the other way. It’s really hard to be rational with this effing brain. Screw it, I’ll say it….My heart dropped when I read the words “unless you have a tape “ in a journal here, but I don’t want to put my reaction on that journal because it wouldn’t be fair to said person’s journal….A recorded tape, really is that’s what it’s come to…cause that would just add a whole different level of trauma…Being recorded while raped….jesus. I think a point can be made without saying shit like this. Ugh…I hate this feeling. I hate that I started my day feeling fucking feral. But, on the other hand it’s good practice…for working through my emotions, accepting them as valid and then moving on. But shit that is hard. Maybe I need to go outside and walk this energy off, that would probably ne the healthier choice.  

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@Zoe I had a similar reaction to his post. There's so much wrong with that post I don't know where to begin. In truth I haven't decided whether to reply to it or not. But yeah, appreciate that it must've been a really uncomfortable read. I feel even a bit guilty about bringing up the stuff I brought up that inspired that post and maybe we should all just keep our diary entries to stuff about quitting gaming. I know this sounds selfish but I just don't really have time to be dealing with that kind of shit. In other words, if you came across someone with really racist beliefs in the workplace, would you try and meticulously disprove their beliefs or just ignore them and get on with your life? Not sure this is the most constructive approach...for society and all but yeah. 

P.S: You're being completely rational. 

P.S x 2: I wouldn't mind if you responded in my journal to it but call me problematic but is this something to focus on right now? I appreciate you might not feel as comfortable as you did in the community anymore but think about yourself. Look after your wellbeing. Perhaps expressing yourself is looking after your wellbeing. Do what feels right to you. ---> I'll give a quick example to better express what I mean because I'm saying we have quite similar reactions to things so a person in my life and me had this problem over them crossing a physical boundary and touching me in a place I didn't feel comfortable with being touched (no extreme shit just like my waist and lower back) but I asked them politely to stop and they didn't and then they said they were so used to touching me like that that they do it habitually but there was this time I asked them to stop and they did it again and I just SPIRALED and it hurt me so much more than it hurt them. Hope that makes sense 😁

P.S x 3: Maybe learn Muay Thai!? Okay I think I'm having a bit of an anxious response to this situation. 

But really, you're having a completely rational emotional reaction. It pissed me off a lot (probably not to the same extent for obvious reasons but a lot)

Edited by LordFederickRamsay
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15 minutes ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

. I feel even a bit guilty about bringing up the stuff I brought up that inspired that post and maybe we should all just keep our diary entries to stuff about quitting gaming. I

Please don’t censor yourself..part of growing is finding healthy coping strategies. 😀

 

18 minutes ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

I'll give a quick example to better express what I mean because I'm saying we have quite similar reactions to things so a person in my life and me had this problem over them crossing a physical boundary

Thank you for sharing this. 

 

19 minutes ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

P.S x 3: Maybe learn Muay Thai!? Okay I think I'm having a bit of an anxious response to this situation

This is very sweet. It’s not self-protection I am worried about. It’s the fact that we live in a world where some people think that ADDING trauma “requiring something like a physical video as evidence) is even ok to say/type. It’s just….sigh. 

 

21 minutes ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

t call me problematic

Did I take this out of context? I didn’t mean to call you problematic. I just meant that my journal is for me to work out my emotions…yours is to work out yours. For me, it would be selfish to put an emotional response in your journal. 

 

23 minutes ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

Hope that makes sense 😁

It does. 

 

24 minutes ago, LordFederickRamsay said:

But really, you're having a completely rational emotional reaction. It pissed me off a lot (probably not to the same extent for obvious reasons but a lot)

I think maybe the same reasons. 

 

Thank for your response..It was very kind. 

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Day 16

Gratitude. 

-My kitten trying to eat my pen, planner or my keyboard on my desk.  Cutest thing ever. 

-My therapist...Thank God I have an appointment with her this afternoon.  

-Coffee!

***Clarinet music!!!!! "Remember me...only remember me, you understand."  I love her voice....It reminds me of Spirited Away. @jailbreaker.I broke out my  clarinet on Saturday evening!!  For some reason I have a box of #5 reeds.  I didn't realize it and tried to play with that and nothing came out...to the point I thought something was stuck inside my clarinet.  Hahaha, so funny.  Anyway, had some 2.5 strength also, so used them.  Too airy for me, but I'll get there.  I was surprised that I still know how to play the beginning portion of Pink Panther! Actually, no I don't...I've just been listening to this playlist I made over and over for about a week and am happy to say I can still play by ear.  🙂. Gotta watch that though cause it keeps me from re-teaching myself how to read music.  I always got in trouble for that.  

Goals for today

-Complete discharge at work

-Get my travel in at work

-Take a shower

-Finish my laundry

What's in my head right now? 

 I feel surprised that I am feeling very self-reflective this morning.   I think I need to add some structure to my entries for a little while in order to get a little out of my head and emotions.  I skimmed through my entries yesterday evening looking for any patterns.  I noticed a difference between when I journal from my phone and when I journal from my desktop.  I noticed that I'm reactive when I'm journaling from my phone.  I think that might be because I'm usually not feeling very proud of the activities I've been engaging in.  It means I am in a spiral of self-loathing because I'm either on my couch watching youtube videos or watching useless TV.   However, if I journal while I'm at my computer, I'm at my desk, looking out the window at trees, random people walking by, birds, the sun, yellow tint to the sky...gross lol. It's more grounding.  

I'm thinking about using an approach of dialectical behavioral therapy to my life right now.  I scared myself yesterday because I really got overwhelmed with emotions.  To the point that it's really hard to think about it right now without tears rolling down my face.  So yeah, need to get out of that headspace before I land myself hospitalized again this summer.  This is going to be hard for me, because I really like to start my mornings out with some stream of consciousness journaling, but I have to take care of my current emotional state before I get back to that.  Already getting into my emotions while typing this.....So...gonna do some boxed breathing before I go to work.  

 

 

 

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On 5/28/2023 at 1:35 AM, Zoe said:

I have read some of your journals today @Faroe Islander @LordFederickRamsay and @jailbreaker. I want to respond in a thoughtful manner and that’s not the mood I am in. I kinda want to just play with my silly cats lol.

Don't worry this isn't a job or obligation, it is something we do out of our own volition, take it easy and hope you have a great day

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23 hours ago, Zoe said:

Days since Relapse: 17

Days since started program: 41

Gratitude: 

-My therapist-Great session yesterday

-My job-Feels weird to say this, but without it I wouldn't be stable financially

-Frankie-This cat is too cute to not include him

 

Goals for today--NOT To do list

-Exercise 15 minutes 

-Work on goals for 1 hour

-Meditate 15 minutes (Doesn't have to be in one setting)

 

What's in my head right now: I'm relatively calm right now. I say relatively because I think being totally calm is an unrealistic goal for me.  I'm an anxious person and I have ADD and OCD.  I'm always going to have too many thoughts, struggle with emotion regulation and controlling overwhelm. And....that's ok, the goal is to improve on using healthy coping strategies for these parts of me.  I think I want to focus on the coping strategies of radical acceptance right now.  

I had a good day yesterday, I'm glad to be working on DBT again, not in a perfectionist way...just remembering how useful it was in my life when I was struggling....and using the skills I learned.  I don't have to wait until I'm in a crisis to use the skills. In fact, not using them on a regular basis is destined to lead to crisis. 

I decided to keep track of the number of days since I started the program and days since I relapsed.  Only counting the days since relapse seemed a little punitive and discounted the work I had done before that.  Only counting the days since I  relapsed (slipped if we are being technical) was causing me to ruminate about failure.  I want to learn from a relapse, not drown myself in shame with it.  Shame baths are just not fun. 

That's it for now - Zoe 

 

23 hours ago, Zoe said:

 

 

 

 

 

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Days since Relapse: 

Days since started program: 42

Gratitude: 

-Session at work that made me fall in love with my job again

-5 day weekends

-Spa day gift certificate 

 

Goals for today--NOT To do list

-Ooopps..didn’t do this in the morning so…goal for today is to go sleep

What's in my head right now: I’m a little less motivated to do the DBT thing today buttttt….Radical Acceptance. It’s ok that I’m tired right now. I worked from 730 am to 730 pm…got nothing left in this brain. I did want to stop in here and journal because I want to try to keep it daily. It’s consistency for me and I think it helps others to see active members. Can’t promise it will always be daily, but, I’ll do my best. Oh! I was surprised to see a response from Cam on my post that tagged him. Appreciate it when concerns are addressed 

Bed time. I hope you everyone is ok…at least neutral😀

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