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PastTense's daily journal


PastTense

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Hello I'm not sure how this works but this is intended as being the daily journal for my video gaming habits, and or other happenings in my life. 

this journal will go for 90 days on /off. 
did I game today? yes/no?
pc?

mobile?

board game?

estimated amount of time

how many different games did I play?

 

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I gamed  on pc, browser, for roughly 30 minutes. the game was agar.io

nothing else, just the one. though I did open chess.com , but did not finish a 10 minutes game. I just moved one or two pieces. 

 

however I did rewatch tv shows and bought n audio book fro a jog. I never jog.amotivation as buying cake at a shop which was sadly closed. I arrived outside opening hours. 

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okay so today I did not game, and it marks day 2 of not gaming not even chess.com or agar.io.

however I did wake up and watch twitch streams of age of empires 2. this si due to being afairly alone on this ranch in depressingly cold weather.  and not having a job or studying. 

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Yesterday I urge surfed by imagining how it wiuld be to play temafight tactics and age of empires 2. I watched part of a stream of aoe on twitch. Then searched for study streams. They helped tremenduously, as there are boone studying on this countryside mudhole ranch

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Today I managed to stay away fromnplating videogames. I walked 10.000 steps, unpacked  some cool bedlinene and pillows. 
however I am still using twotch to watch age of empires 2z no top players were on but saw bit of the (always interesting but after treaty, less so) Nomad style. 
I didnt watch a study stream properly and didnt do poloodoro. I do not speak spanish. Also, I think part of me fell in love with the opposita even though she is kot a sex worker (like just study, no obly fans) she looks like a filmstar. 
i do not need parasocial relationships in my life.

also I did a bad thing. To an ASMR stream, I masturbated!  I looked around for some and found one with eye contact. 
i gotta say, everything video is bad because it means porn access. Be it reddig gofs or twitch “earlicking” the latter of which resembles an irl intimacy session. I miss that greatly. and sure its nice to get dopamine. But its fake. 
 

it seemed I gave some advice in that even though you should reset your days since X use, you should also track “1 day out if the past 3 months. Which makes it a percentage comfort. You are still largely doing better than previous, even though you started from scratch. I really think the padt two days have formed some interesting talks. And I should restudy all of my notes at end of q1. . They are in aplles Notes under GAA ITAA. Different kotes have the names of the meeting types. 
 

i thinkk I want to make mens, and ACAA regular things. 
 

mentors ate also being considered. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Today I made 1 move in chess online. Then Quit.

i had and continue to disable bottom lines due to gmail, looking stuff up, which meand I can’t didable safari easily. Am now lying in bed slowly beginning to masturbate. Shouldn’t I save it for tonight? Idk 
i just cut my hair, used antipimple stuff on facr, still need to shave though

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Today I managed to not catch a stream of someone video gaming. I am still "using" by watching YouTube, scrolling randomly on reddit, and taking a few too many naps. however I did manage to go for a run today. which is nice.

Itaa zoom meetings has taken time. I got a 10 day reminder to finish all overdue assignments in social studies. 

I got some advice on simply chainingg screen time code often, type in notes app, and then disabling safari altogether, but still have it available. 
also consider buying a phone box. or lockbox.
 

gov told me to get registered at shelter to get social welfare. I still live at the ranch where my father holds out. my sister pushes me to move out so he can buy a house for her. I am behind in pushing back on the already completed ill, inheritance gifts, and more.

 

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yesterday I watched some streams of video games. and yet again out of habit entered chess.com, though I did not play. 
today I have been IT scrolling fro a good 1,5 hours. 

yesterday I also expanded Lines worksheet into an A2 sized monster. for gaming, IT, overeating, fitness. etc. 

NEWS: I got an email that my LOL account has been forgotten! 

 

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So I have been sleeping all day. Last night I fell asleep with headphones pn but with battery in. I woke up but slept. Slowly mastrubated for what felt  like two hours and slept more. Got up with clothes on

than back and slept more.

Got ip folded clothes. Then slept more.

 

I didn’t even study yet at its 6:13pm

Edited by PastTense
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Still not gaming, out of habit accessing chess.com. 
watching twitch kiarakitty aoe2. Kyootbot is offline. Not studystream as such. I should stream my own studying. Masturbated twtice to youtube joi / strip compilations. Its not porn directly, rather it is “monkey see, monkey do”.

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Today I went for a two hour jog 10.18 km in 130 minites, including a brief snack break snd a fee spurs of walking to ease the knees. 
 

I atill didn’t play, though I dis watch tv series. I do not recall if I masturbated. I think not. 
i did wake up at 3 in the night and binged tv series. 
I have been eating somewhat healthily today. 
mens meeting really helps. 
and outside video gaming , I should work on tv series, random scrolling, youtube softcore porn. 

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Edit: I accessed aliexpress site and accidentally clicked games because I thought it was games for sale. turns out it as bootleg candy crush where I Mae some 3-7 moves. but I quit and closed the broweser. its. a breech of streak. but it was  honeslty unintentional.  and not like I downloaded a game or deliberately went t oa gaming site. however I do feel that aliexpress is turning poisonous for me. 

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Did call in to big book study. 
I wake up at 6. Turned on pc despite dad sleeping. And yet I still did not study. I watched andrei on twitch. 
took two naps. I am feeling sleepy. Day aftet jogging. 
 

edit I failed no porn. Youtube tiktik joi is too convincing. Monkey see monkey do

Edited by PastTense
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I was enjoying a mods trolly comments on andrei2i stream today and parodying allong and makeing own jokes. God laugh out w passive aggressiveness. Iys however still aoe2z 

and relationship with dad is utter shit. He behaves like an asshole because he only cares about his grandson. Not at all me. At all. Tgisbis what the bottom line shows. And even him hiding good or constantly only complaining makes him someone not to be desired in a room with. Him yelling provokes me yelling at him back because I am jot a farm animal and I do kot stand his abuse. Yet he portrays me as a monster to everyone in jos circle and an eccho chamber emerges. 
 

I walked to Ry today and even though my father sae me with a bag he did not wnat to give me a lift. In order kot to get arrested for car theft as I’m sure my sister has convinced him and actually pressured hom to do, I am choosing to respect his selfish boundary andwalked for a good 50 mijutes with 30ish  kilos on my injured spine. 
i am growing resrntful of gim and everything he stands for. He has not worked for the past 20 years beyond chopping lumber and when pressured to do odd temp jobs. Hes just siphoined my grandfathers wealth only this time there is jo mom to argue for me. It feels like this family is a negotiatiating; economic; basic needs; reputation; education war filled eith reconnaissance, flying monkeys, gaslighting emotional verbal and physical abuse. 
 

it is a mitacle no one is dead yet. 

Edited by PastTense
Elaboration
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Rewatched “randy is sober” while doing stuff. Listened to music while tunning to kvickly. Realized I had lost part of the text file to secure living situation. 
life is super super tough right now and requires a side of me I not only do not have energy for, but also do not have funds, training, mental fortitude to execute actions on. 
 

implementing no tv no movies bottom line. Youtube clips ,instructions and lectures are otherwise excluded. But it cannot be a random lecture remix. 
yesterday I inadversently played chess for a bit becUse I had previously deactivated screen time. 
 

I have to fucking tun everywhere. I am starting to develop a hardened bitterness and inner apathy towards my family. Seriosuly about to force change legally or with other tactics they themselves have used. Its a challenge to move forward and upward in life. 

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Got up today.3 alarms took second phone call. But only because I had been up earlier that night. And put on a youtube talk stream so had phone by bed. And it had charged first half of the night. 
made breakfast took shower etc. Then went upstairs and masturbated and slept. Had to change pants. 
got up, ate more, checked mail, packed computer. Asked him about a desktop lamp base. 
eventually masturbated once more. 
Went to half of ItAA’s meeting on midweek. Where I shared stagnation. 
also last noght I saw several episodes of sandman. 

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Last reply was never submitted. From friday. 
 

today satirday. Couldn’t sleep tonight. Went for a walk. Made rice food. 
 

have cravings for mobile game. 
In a steps meeting. Isk how I’m supposed to do anything properly anymore. 

 

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