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Lobares Journal


Lobares2

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Hey,

I started to read more and more again in the last weeks here, I often come back even when I dont have an active journal here. Im one of these guys here who can do anything in the internet to get entertained and to postpone their important tasks, that includes reading journals here. Probably I came here more frequently because i knew I had to start myself once again.

Since I made multiple Journals already, feel free to read them if you are interested, I wont tell the whole story over and over again like I used to :D. To sum it up: I got addicted to League after highschool, basically at the same time when I had my final exams and didnt go to school anymore and studied at home. Today I know why, league is a freaking addictive game but the more important thing was the fact that my tasks were overwhelming from that point on. I needed to get the best possible grades to make it into med school. In med school I literally did 0, and I mean 0 hours of work in the first year. Things got really out of hands. However I started my first detox then from league which helped. I am free from league since 4 years. Although I would love to, I dont plan to play it ever again, gaming in moderation is not possible for people who lost control before. Since 4 years I am trying to get a stable routine for med school. It never really went great, until my last detox. I could stop gaming, stop general internet usage(biggest problem), but still I would not study. In my last detox many things changed and I finally passed many big exams bit failed the very last one to finally being able to actually go back to med school, visiting classes and stuff. This was crucial since I know changing the environment is the biggest deal if yOu want to change your life to something better.
 

Now its again time, the exam is coming up again and I am already late once again. Most of my good habits are gone once again, usually wasting my time doing unproductive useless stuff in the internet. I want to start working out again properly(I am doing it already its one of those habits which remained since like 1 year, but I had a break for like a few weeks), doing a proper diet, and most importantly study properly with promodoros.

I will write in the journal everyday like I used to, since it gives kind a good pressure to do the tasks.

Edited by Lobares2
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  • Lobares2 changed the title to Lobares Journal
8 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

This was crucial since I know changing the environment is the biggest deal if yOu want to change your life to something better.

I used to visit a lot of news, tabloid, meme websites for entertainment, which wound up guiding me back to gaming. Coming to gamequitters often definitely serve as a change of environment too!

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14 hours ago, LostRiver said:

I used to visit a lot of news, tabloid, meme websites for entertainment, which wound up guiding me back to gaming. Coming to gamequitters often definitely serve as a change of environment too!

Yea, I think everyone with experience with addictions would confirm this. Its always like an escalator: Once you do the first step you will automatically go higher ans higher until you are back up their doing what you never wanted to do again. For me its often like that when I try to eat healthy, if I allow myself one tiny thing I know its already over. 

Right now I am feeling overwhelmed once again, which is the reason why I dont study at all. There is this one aubjects which is so hard to study, its not complicated at all, its just so much stuff to memorize and thats overwhleming. But I know the oral exam is actually not really hard, I know it, nearly everyone passes(of courae peer group are med students which most of then are kind a genius and/or hard working students) but this time I KNOW I can do it. I know I dont have to learn perfectly, I just need to start built a goos foundation and I will make it. In the normal exam last year I passed even tho I slacked sooo hard and didnt TOUCH like 30% of the books at all, in other exams which I was so scared for I learnt so much and I was thinking for real: Will I pass it? I got 95% score in that one. I am trying to say that you dont need to study so much to pass exams and I always made the fault to feeling overwhelmed since ‘I need to menorize everything perfectly’. So dumb. I learnt months for exams instead learning 2-4 weeks like all the others. I never gave it a chance and instead of learning everything, I started with 1 chapter and tried to study it perfectly while not touching the other 10 chapters at all. Dude... But well now I know better.

Ahh, I really want to start tomorrow. I will not study like crazy, always when I promise this to myself I fail miserably. What worked for me are 5-6 hours per day. More than enough and an amount I can do. Right now I cant think about a strategy to make sure that I start tomorrow. I failed so often but cant remember what was helping back ago :D. I guess the next step is to block my pc for the whole day(I usually have enough selfdicipline to not unblock it), then it would be easier. Right now I cant do that, thats why I will do it tomorrow for the next day, in case I dont study tomorrow already.

Plan for tomorrow: No PC until I got at least 8 Promodors(4 hours) in. 

 

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Failed miserably. Thats why I am gonna block my PC now, at the evenings it will be unblocked. In general I am sick of wasting so much time again in front of the pc, if I remember correctly last time I made a lot of progress on that part, earlier I couldnt imagine days without youtube, series and stuff but that changed completely Q1/2 and part of Q3, unfortunately I couldnt keep up those achievments after I failed the exam. 

I always thought that will power is the key, discipline is etc. and in some way it is. But after years of trying I simply know that I am not able to do my tasks properly while sitting all day in my room, dopamin rush after dopamin rush. I need that change of environment this is simply the key thing I learnt. Changing environment, meeting new people which boost you. I met new people last year which REALLY helped.

My point is: I failed to keep those good habits alive, why? Because I just doubt that I am even able to do so, I cant live like a monk when this damn pc is here. I guess if I had non of the university shit going on I would be able to manage my life, but the university stuff is so overwhleming that I tend do nothing. I am trying to say: I need to stay strong now, but since discipline is nothing I cant rely on I need safeties like good habits and make bad habits ‚hard‘(like I read somewhere here) eg pc block. My exam is in like 2-3 months, if I succeed the change of environment is safe. And I really think that will be a gamechanger.

 

But to get to there, I need to get me back into studying. I will adjust my pc now, and then I am ready to study properly again. 

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I blocked now nearly everything on my pc, especially youtube, since it was the biggest procrastination source. At the evenings I say myself ‚damn why didnt u study today‘ and at the mornings ‚I am gonna study in an hour‘ already knowing that I wont, what piece of shit you have to be to act like that? hahahah :D. I know many people here like this are here but I REALLY doubt that anyone is really like that, this is what the dopamin addiction made us in this specific point. But I know I will change it.

I checked my old journal, luckily I summed up some good points there so I would not forget about it. 

Gonna start the new routine now

Day 1

- Workout everyday 

- Study everyday (5 Hours)

- Eat healthy and never in front of the pc

- No pc usage in general until I finished the study session 

With these goals It went good last time. They affect each other, not eating unhealthy(=dopamin) leads to less relapse into mindless browsing etc, not eating in front of the pc also takes away a lot of dopamin and let me do actual breaks in between my study session(leaving room etc), both helps me in my workout too and my workout helps me to stick to my diet as well. Thats why this is not overwhelming its more like having a positiv affect.

 

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Unfortunately I am still not studying, not even a tiny bit. I successfully managed to block most of the stuff I regular do at the pc, but it seems like I am just replacing it with other stuff which doesnt give that much dopamin but still enough to keep me away from studying. And now I get in this timeframe where I REALLY have to start otherwise I am risking to throw this exam away once again. Even writing this gives me chills, but I dont know why I am running away from this.

Tomorrow I just want to start - 2 hours of studying. If I dont start I am gonna literally make a backup of my os and delete it afterwards so I have no accsess to the pc anymore. Its necessary to study with but right now Its like learning a bit less productive vs not learning at all. To be honest this feels like a very good thing to me, so if I dont study tomorrow I am gonna do this, which should help then. I am really ready to give that bullshit completely up, I just want to get that exam done. 

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Deleted my OS now. Made a backup etc of course so I dont lose crucial stuff. Of course I could just reinstall windows, but ‘make bad habits harder’, I am confident that I am gonna stay strong with this. Its only meant to be like that for 1-2 weeks since I need to do other stuff at my pc. But this time is important to go cold turkey and afterwards I dont use the pc for anything except work. 

Learnt for 1 hour today, right after deleting my os. Felt good. Much work, I cant waste more time now. I know after the pc is gone there will be many new things which will get my attention now, thats why I really have to focus on getting things actually done andnot just not going to my pc.

So tomorrow I am gonna try once again to study 5 hours and also to restart my training. Other than that I will have so much freetime, since in the last 1-2 months my screen time was 10hours+ everyday. Earlier it was less since I had no pressure with the exam, But the near I get to it, the more stressed I get and so I cope with quick dopamin.

 

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Learnt 3 hours, no training.

No urges to install Windows again. Good day overall, hopefully tomorrow I hit the 5 hours. I might use my Laptop tomorrow to use Anki. But then with an absolute 0 tolerance policy towards any non university stuff, if I cant handle that I wont touch it again. Had really much time assuming that I didnt waste 10 hours again at the pc. Actually something I never ever want to do again. Without the pc its just so much better.

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I could have foreseen it, after my PC is out of function I use the phone a lot more. Thats why I activated today a block for websurfing on certain timeframes of the day(where I will study). I hope this will help. If it doesnt I have to try other things, because I dont have any time to try to ‘stay strong the next day’, this bs leads to nothing. I need a good structure which allows myself to keep up a routine first

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I failed almost all of my studies due to things like gaming, browsing internet, watching porn etc. Usually I made a good start with excellent grades but as time went on I got less motivated and more fixated on menial tasks.  And during those times I didn't want to acknowledge that I had a problem and I always made the excuse that "lacking motivation was part of studying". At the same time I could clearly see some of my fellow students not having much problem at all and their focus was razor sharp. But of course I looked the other way and denied myself the opportunity to get on their track.

It's nice to see that you at least have started this journey of betterment while studying. Stay strong - you can do it!

 

Edited by Wildermyth
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Oh dude

I blocked everything, but instead of studying I can just lie on my bed doing freaking nothing. 

I really start to think that I have 0 problems with anything, not games, not youtube, not internet, nothing. I mean I quitted everything but I still dont study. And I am pretty sure its because I feel overwhelmed. I dont miss anything of those mentioned things, I dont care if quitting those things doesnt help in terms of studying. Its good to quit those fake dopamin sources anyway. Spent a lot more time with family etc. 

But yea I need to address this studying problem. How can I fix it, how

In one way I feel tremendously overwhelmed, in other way I feel much more confident than I was last year at this time(since Last year I actually made decent progress and succeeded in many exams). But last year I also had some strong motivation due to external influence, which I cant rely on right now. Really If anyone has experience or an idea how to actually start and stick to it, let me know. 

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8 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

How can I fix it, how

Hey! I used to be in the same boat for a long time, and still am pretty often- I might have all the time in the world to do something, but instead choose to pick a different task, oops. 

The issue here is not a lack of willpower, but a lack of habit. And, in my case, it was an improper understanding of motivation: to feel interested in doing something, I need to start doing it. Waiting for motivation to appear just doesn't cut it. Most "difficult" things the brain naturally tends to avoid, and unless I actively soothe the discomfort of the process by doing the thing, motivation will stay low.

There are a few books I've read on this that helped me ease into higher accumulation of motivation: Atomic Habits, Obstacle is the Way, and Personality isn't Permanent. 
Disclaimer: all of those books are faaar too long, are written by sexist/fatphobic/classist/... men, so I advise to read with caution as not to get some of their own inner bullshit get to you (as it did to me for some time -_-). Honestly, I would even advise reading a bit of the book to get the feel, and then reading summaries/reviews online about it- that will tell you all you need.

Additionally, what helped me was setting goals every single day, and generating a large list of things that excite me in whatever it is that I am avoidind (studying included). The task might not feel fun, but if I manage to make it feel valuable/important, it already is a bit more exciting to get it done. The more I can align it with the goals/dreams I have for my future self, the more likely I am to get it done right now.

Hope this helps! There is also tons of resources on YouTube (Cajun Koi Academy, Better Ideas, Modern Health Monk...). Also advise to tread with caution, as sometimes they talk "science" without any evidence -_-

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Yesterday I checked some discord study groups, I did that a few months ago already but back then I had other ways to get myself studying. But I think that could help now. I like the idea of sharing the cam, but I feel a bit uncomfortable to be live for so many ppl I dont know, so I might only share screen. But I think this could really help. Will try it tomorrow for sure.

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Learnt 2.5 Hours today, didnt feel hard at all. Its just so hard to start. It seems an overwhelming task but once you start and make progress, you realize if you make this progress every day for weeks, then its more than possible.

Tomorrow I just want to start earlier, even if its just 2 hours again.

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Learnt 2.5 Hours yesterday, today started a bit earlier(still way too late) and studied for 3 hours.

I have the usual - ‚will I make it‘ thoughts, and the usual ‚i need to study harder‘ etc. but usually these things lead me to feeling overwhelmed and once again not doing anything at all. So I am gonna keep going as it is, main target is to go for 5 hours again. Then when I want I can still exceed it on those specific days,  I guess thats more helpful than planning ‚tomorrow I will go for 7 hours‘ and then actually doing 0 hours because I feel too overwhelmed from even starting.

Other than that, I need to fix my diet, restart my workout routine. 

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Didnt study for two days. I am failing to built the routine, the exam is near, only like 6-8 weeks left. I need to study consistent now, I know the amount is doable. 
 

I have one goal for tomorrow: To start as early as possible, even if I only study 1 hour. I feel like this has always a big influence, I always say ‚I am studIng later, still much time left today, I will be early 100% today‘, I am underestimating the fact that these thoughts never work out and at the end its again studying in the evening/night or not learning at all. So yea. One goal for tomorrow: Start the day with the usual routine, but then start the study session ASAP

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I am gonna make a new form as well, to count days. it always helped me. I am so close to my goal man, its unbelievable. after I failed that exam, I had to wait half of a year to do it again, now its just 1-2 months until I get another chance. Its so crucial to do it. It will be such a gamechanger.
 

 

Day 0 Of Sticking To The Routine

Studying: | Workout: | Eat Healthy: | No PC Usage until daily routine is completed: 

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Day 1 Of Sticking To The Routine

Studying:  Check!(3Hours) | Workout: Check! | Eat Healthy: Check! | No PC Usage until daily routine is completed: Check!

 

Good day. Not much to improve, only need to extend the studying to 5 hours again. Other than that need just to continue. The I will make it.

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On 1/28/2023 at 5:21 PM, Pochatok said:

Disclaimer: all of those books are faaar too long, are written by sexist/fatphobic/classist/... men, so I advise to read with caution as not to get some of their own inner bullshit get to you

As a man I feel offended. Please don't be so hateful and sexist.

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I forgot to post here, I sticked to it for 3 days. Then I had some cravings on the following day due to something which pushed me out of my usual daily routine(basically what I am used to), so I wasnt at home and after I came I fall for the cravings. Thats usually the important fight you have to win - feeling freaking bad but still sticking to the routine. Thats what decides a true change of your inner attitude. 

 

Need to get back up ASAP. So I start tomorrow once again, but I want to write a Post everyday at the morning, so I can say clearly ‚Thats my goal and I will do it‘ and report at the end of the day. Because I feel like the commitments one evening before are pointless for me, I need to do it on the actual day.

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5 hours ago, Lobares2 said:

Oh yea, and I am going to reinstall my OS now. I wont use my backup, instead I will only use my browser for my tasks, so basically every page will be blocked except sites to study with/other work I need to do for RL.

You can install linux. Something like Ubuntu is easy to install. And the whole environment is different so most likely you won't have old habits kicking. Linux has a learning curve, but if you use it as a bootloader for a web browser, you don't need to know anything.

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So literally blocked all devices now. Nothing left. If I dont make it now, I am gonna lock this shit somewhere(physically). Because I just dont start somehow. But I also just waste time with family and stuff, but I hope once these big triggers are gone it works better. 

Starting again with this, I simply cant just study properly without taking care of these other things. They influence each other and my undesired behaviors are really connected too, so if I fail on one spot I usually tend to forget everything and relapse fully.

There are these moments where I get pushed out of my daily routine, and then I usually am totally not in mood to start my tasks. I need a routine for such situations as well - like resting an hour, drink a coffee, push myself a bit and then go back to the work even if feels bad. Thats the plan, once again.

 

Day 0 Of Sticking To The Routine

Studying: | Workout: | Eat Healthy: | No PC Usage until daily routine is completed: 

 

 

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Made decent progress in the last days. Finally I start to believe I can do it after I worked through a lot of subjects. I think this motivation could last for a few days at least so I can continue to make okayish gains. Thats all I am looking for tbh, because I think it will be enough at the end. Just need to keep going

Will go for 5 hours of studying again tomorrow.

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Had a few good days now again two bad ones. The exam is in 30days. I can still do it. But there is not much time to start routines I am just thinking about one day at once thats all I want right now. 
 

For Tomorrow Ill set a goal for myself: Start at 6pm and finish before 2am. 

Might try mentioned routine above once again. At leaat for the 30 days I could make it. At least aomething

 

man the next 30 days are ao unbelievable crucial for me…

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