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Brayden's Daily Journal #2 (11/13/2022)


spidey
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Dear Journal, 

The past few days have been quite rough, to be honest. I've been dealing with a lot. 

I failed you, Spidey, to be honest. I went ahead and, instead of going through with my plan to delete Steam/Mojang, I reopened both of these accounts and have been playing a ridiculous amount of Minecraft the past week. 

I'm going to get a B in one of my courses, where I previously had an A+ (98%). Why? Was it because it was a hard course, and I failed while trying my best? No. What happened was I decided I didn't care about one of my major papers for this class; and, as a result, didn't submit it. Even with academic accomodations, I don't know if my professor will even accept any kind of submission. I never even bothered to ask him. I was stressed about my classes and all of my work piling up. Instead of trying to ask the professor, who I am sure would have been happy to have given me an extension, I decided to just not say ANYTHING to him. 

I'm really angry with myself, if you couldn't tell. 

My life is spiraling out of control because of my videogaming. I don't want to repeat the legacy of addiction in my family. 

Yet, even with all these obvious signs. Even with me having to literally talk with my professor because I confessed to him I was gaming too much. Even with all of my friends noticing something's up and trying to help me. Even with all this, I am able to convince myself that those 2, 3, 4 hours (who cares at that point, anyway. I tell myself) spent gaming are "worth it." Anything to numb the pain I feel inside about my fear that I won't really be able to be as great of a person as I really want to be. 

"Am I ever going to be attractive enough to get someone to love me?" 

"No, probably not due to my genetic condition. Even still, it will be next to impossible to ever find someone who is pretty and also shares my same religious values." 

"Ok, well, I may as well quit. Let's play Minecraft for a few hours to 'wash out' the bitter sting I feel from rejection and failure." 

Ultimately, though, with all my self-loathing and self-pity and panic from realizing how screwed I am right now put aside--the main point is that I need to fix the mess I am in. This is MY responsibility and it is my responsibility to be there for the people I love. I refuse to spend another day hiding myself from my loved ones. I refuse to spend another day hiding myself from a world which NEEDS people like me. People like all of us: gamers who want to stop having that label define what we have to offer the world, and most importantly, ourselves. 

Ok, I'm done with my soap box. I need to study and hopefully get some good studying in. Tomorrow I plan to start again: I'm going to delete all my games and have my friends change the password so I can't reopen the account before the 30 days is up. Wish me luck :)

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Welcome to Game Quitters and it is Great having you here! 

Can you share more about your skills and interests at school?

Try to put down what needs playing video games serves for you.

Also, what at what times does your thinking of wanting to play activate. Please list locations, time of day and state if you can. When you identify these conditions you are better suited at reprogramming your daily schedule with healthy alternatives.

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