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Go agane.


GoAgane
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Hello. Time for some good old fashioned personal development cringe! Haven't been on these forums for ages, it's nice to see things still up and running. Changed my display name but kept the profile picture the same, for the old times sake( @karabas?)

 

So to TL;DR the last 18 months, I crashed down from my highest peak of potential down to the rock bottom. I did graduate, although taking longer than expected but hey it's still a W. Near the end of my master thesis, I really started pushing myself once again. I was set to be finally free from uni and able to do "whatever I want", which meant accomplishing some of the dreams I've had since a long time ago. So I started a business, had my dad help me set up the beurocracy because in this country it's a nightmare, and I started making the product/service. I researched and wrote, and planned, and experimented, and in the end had something workable. I started looking for trial clients and found some. I also found a business strategy/mentoring programme that I would enroll in that would help me grow and that I also believed was a good approach. I started working with clients for free, refining/iterating the service based on how it goes with them. The future that I saw unfolding for me in the next couple of months was incredible. It was what I was always dreaming about. It was my mission, to help people in a meaningful way while building income and being independent of location and employers. Plenty of potential for creativity and growth, while also not based on working 16 hours a day for 5 years. I also found a girlfriend(now ex), who was just the most wonderful person and the way we were able to communicate and grow in such a short period was great. I visited her in her country and lived together for a month while I worked on my business at her place. On top of that I was meditating every day, working out, getting up on time, eating really well, everything was by the books and I felt amazing.

I was SO close to living the dream. This is when something went wrong. Because I still had no income, it was time for me to return to my home town and make use of a room in a flat my mom owns(used to live there during highschool/early college), while I get at least a bit of income going. The other rooms in the flat are rented to random people, but at the time I came back it was all empty. I set up the room for work and the next 2 days I kept working as usual. Before, living with my ex was a bit distracting and so I wanted to go FULL focus on this venture, working all day and get things going. But that did not happen.

All I had to do is pull one final trigger, and that was enrolling in the mentioned business mentoring programme. It was very costly for my standards but I viewed it as a business expense, essentially a part of the initial investment, because I wasn't as naive as to think I could figure out everything by myself. Because of the huge investment of money and also time(as the programme involved a good deal of pushing myself further), I viewed it as the final stepping stone. After I press that button, that's it, I'm out of the matrix. I am now living my life the way I've wanted to for so long, my passion and purpose being fulfilled. It also meant no more video games and fucking around. Of course casual gaming with some story-based games would be fine, but I could no longer no-life 10 hours a day playing league or wow. I remember it feeling like in Lord of the Rings, when Sam and Frodo venture out of Shire and Sam stops for a moment in the field and says "This is it, if I take one more step, it'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been".

I couldn't take that step. I had no Frodo to grab me by the hand to go face the challenge together. I've spent most of my highschool days in this room gaming all night and the entire environment was pretty deeply ingrained in my brain to game. Coupled together with the challenge of taking that one final step, I just broke. I don't remember which game I played, but I gamed all day and deep into the night. I woke up in the afternoon, feeling like shit, and kept going. I kept in check with the clients and still did my work but it was very difficult to do and every moment I just wanted to game more, and so I did. I had no one to stop me there, no one could see my descent into madness, as I ripped my dream apart. At some point, I stopped working entirely and ditched everything, including my friends and girlfriend by ghosting everyone because of fear of confrontation. I was ashamed to show myself, to show that I did it again, after I was CONVINCED that I was finally 'fixed' and that I was on the right track. But no, the old Go Agane is back.

Man I actually tear up writing this.

It's been many months since then, and it's as if my life hasn't moved since. Literally still have no job, living off of what was essentially my fund for the business startup. I figured that this time around, I'll pick a different strategy for recovery. Instead of making a big and dramatic decision like I've done before, I will take baby steps and work my way up slowly but surely, as so many people recommend. But that apparently doesn't work for me at all and lead me into a spiral of complete lethargy and energy drain. One day I do a baby step, and then the next day I don't. It just doesn't stimulate my pitta energy, or maybe I'm doing it wrong. Either way, the life I dreamt about was literally weeks away from fully actualizing. And now, months later, I'm here sitting in the same fucking room, surrounded by trash and dust, barely having enough motivation to go outside. I'm still young, not as young as before, but still got time to fix this shit and get back on track. I don't think the dream is dead, I never believed in such finality. But it hurts. I want to be my own self again, vibrant, enthusiastic, creative, present. Not this dead slog of a body.

Fuck.

Edited by GoAgane
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Thank you for your vulnerability to share your story with us. I can’t really relate to how you must be feeling, but just know that I’ve got your back. Feel free to reach out whenever you need.

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