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Paul’s Journal


Paul A.

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Hello all!

Starting today, I’ll be logging my daily progress in this journal. Today marks my 2nd full day of being game-free. Over the past 2 days, I’ve dived headfirst into my new hobby of drawing, and it’s a whole new world. There’s so much to learn and it’s honestly pretty overwhelming, but I’m just taking it a day at a time as I attempt to figure out my next steps. I’ve taken a drawing course on Skillshare and I’m debating whether I want to invest in more courses or just plunge into the drawing itself. I’m also already looking into drawing tablets (admittedly it is a bit early for all that and I am low on funds, but I digress), with the iPad Air looking like a good fit. I’m looking forward to seeing that constant measurable growth over time the longer I stick with it (which I hope I will!).

In other news, I’m getting back into my spiritual pursuits. Spirituality is something I’ve taken great interest in over the past few months, with Buddhism and Taoism being of particular interest to me. I’ve started reading the Upanishads, which are Hindu texts famous for their spiritual wisdom and guidance. I plan to go through these as well as the Bhagavad Gita and the Dhammapada over the next few weeks. I also decided to take a break from social media to focus on spiritual growth. All in all, I’m excited for what lies ahead and I’m proud of myself for being able to get into the swing of things so quickly. I’ll be back tomorrow with updates.

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4 hours ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

You're off to a great start! Wishing you all the best, and I'm excited to hear about your progress! Drawing is an awesome activity to replace gaming with. I really enjoy drawing mandalas as a type of meditation, as well as drawing things from life as an act of visual journaling. It's good for the soul!

Thank you!

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Today's my 3rd full day of being game-free. I also happened to be off from work, which presented both a welcome respite from the drudgery of work and an opportunity to fill my time with engaging activities to replace gaming. I spent the day making progress in my drawing course, watching anime, reading, and meditating. I also went to pick up my new glasses (I still feel like glasses don't belong on my face, but it's such a relief to not have to squint all the time)! I produced two proper drawings today, one by following instructions and one by working off a real-life object. All things considered, I think they turned out pretty okay. Speaking of anime, I finished Demon Slayer Season 2 today. It was freakin' awesome! Watching anime has been an on-and-off pastime for me, but now that I'm game-free, I have the time to enjoy it again. In terms of reading, I made more progress in the Upanishads today. They all seem to cover similar material, the significance of the Atman (or the Self) - not the self in the traditional sense, but the Self as it relates to pure awareness and the pure consciousness that resides in all of us. It's super interesting stuff. Anyway, I was also able to meditate twice, once shortly after I woke up, and once during the day when I needed a break from anime. Both sessions lasted about 10 mins. I'm starting to gain a newfound appreciation for the practice of meditation, and it's not for the perceived benefits. It's for the practice itself. Something I picked up from Alan Watts (brilliant philosopher, by the way) is that one shouldn't meditate with a goal in mind, but rather simply for meditation's sake. This mindset has shifted my relationship with the practice from something of an obligation to a pleasurable pastime. I don't have to meditate, I GET to meditate! It's a lot of fun just to be still in the moment in such a fast-paced and hectic world. Anyway, that wraps up my entry for the day. I'll be back tomorrow with updates.

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Today marks my 4th full day of being game-free. Spent most of it at work, for better or worse. Otherwise, the day has been fairly uneventful. I woke up fairly late this morning, mainly because I woke up in the middle of the night. After I woke up, I took a shower, meditated for a bit, and then I made a bit of progress in my drawing course. I spent some time working on a landscape drawing before I grabbed a bowl of cereal for breakfast. Afterwards, I took a brief nap before heading off to work. The work day felt super long and was mostly uneventful apart from joking around with my coworkers. Fortunately, I'm getting paid tomorrow, which is a blessing because I'm completely broke right now. Starting tomorrow, I intend to budget every dollar. I'm in a lot of debt for my age and I'm prodigiously bad with money, which I'm trying to change. I want to get out of debt and to get my act together financially so I can support myself and my family in the future. I found a free budget template on Google Docs that I'll be using. All in all, today was a fairly uneventful day, but there's a lot of exciting stuff on the horizon. I'm looking forward to what the future holds on many fronts. I'll be back tomorrow with updates.

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Another long work day. Today marks my 5th day of being game-free and porn-free, which I haven't mentioned as much but is still something I've struggled with. Spent a majority of my waking hours at work not doing much. My job isn't very involved (I sell furniture), most of the time I'm just sitting around waiting for customers. I woke up fairly late today, around 10am, and I got in a quick breakfast and some meditation before taking my ritual power nap before work. In other news, I got paid today, and I got to put my new budget in action. So far, so good! I suppose it's hard to break a budget the first day in, but only time will tell. I logged every expense for the day, which mostly entailed paying back salary advances I had taken, in my budget spreadsheet. At work, I got to watch a couple videos on wealth building and money management, and from what I learned, the essence of building wealth is starting a scalable business. It's hard to build wealth with a job alone (at least from what I've learned), so starting some kind of business is essential. But being the lazy potato that I am, I wanted to find the easiest possible business to start with the least risk, so I looked into e-commerce. After some deliberation though, I decided I was content to just save money the old fashioned-way, at least for the time being. The way I see it, as much as e-commerce may be a viable way to make money in the 21st century, I don't want to fall victim to the get-rich-quick mentality that it may promote. With that in mind, I'll keep plugging away at my savings paycheck by paycheck. Slow but steady wins the race, after all. Tomorrow's a day off from work, which is a much-needed respite from the drudgery of my typical workday. I'll likely spend the day progressing in my drawing course mainly, but I'm also scheduled to get a haircut tomorrow as well as do some grocery shopping. I'm just looking forward to the opportunity to kick back and relax for the day. I'll be back tomorrow with updates.

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Welp.

I gave into my carnal desires once more and I hooked up with an escort. It’s a step above and beyond my typical escapades with pornography, but sadly enough it’s not the first time I’ve done it. It’s funny how I dish out sage advice that I can’t even follow myself (sorry, @GrainSiloEnthusiast). What’s even more sinister are the thought processes that my mind whips up to justify these behaviors. My brain has a funny way of convincing me that giving in isn’t so bad, when in fact the immediate regret and shame I feel afterward indicate otherwise. Yet time and time again, I always fall victim to these deceptive lines of reasoning. It gets tiring after a while.

What doesn’t help either is the nature of my sexual addiction. I identify as a straight male, but I’m attracted to transsexual women with male genitalia (and during this particular encounter and the previous, I was the bottom). It makes me question my sexuality and my “straightness”, which wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t so heavily frowned upon by my family and friends. Some of my closest friends don’t even know the nature of the beast, and I fear that they wouldn’t look at me the same if I did. Not to mention, I had to pay for the encounter as well as transport to and from. This goes without saying, but this money wasn’t money well spent. There’s just so many layers of the shame onion that I could keep peeling, but I know that really wouldn’t solve much. I know better than anyone that sitting around feeling sorry for myself won’t solve the problem. I’m prepared to do whatever it takes to kick this addiction, if for no other reason than to save money, because that’s what’s really gnawing at me right now. I just got paid yesterday and just like that, half my check is gone. It’s bothersome to say the very least. It’s a small consolation I was still able to budget for savings at all. Anyway, I’ll try not to let this ruin my day. I have a day off work, so I’ll throw myself into some fun activities to get my mind off things. It just sucks that I’m right back to square one after all my huffing and puffing.

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My wife is transgender, so in my opinion as a lesbian, you're perfectly straight if that's how you feel the most comfortable identifying! I can't blame you, best of both worlds lol. I'm biased as a queer myself but I truly don't consider that to be anything to be ashamed of. I'm sorry your friends and family would be so unsupportive tho, that's definitely a hard spot to be in.

I used to be an escort myself. It was also an outlet for my sexual addiction, and a way for me to feed my drug and alcohol addictions. I understand that feeling of shame so much more than I care to admit.

Just remember that falling down is inevitable, getting back up is mandatory.

Hugs to you, appreciate your honesty and openness so much.

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Today got off to a bit of a rough start, as my previous post indicates (TL;DR I hooked up with an escort and wasted a bunch of money). That being said, the day wasn't a complete waste. I got back into writing, which is something I've always had a talent for but never really put to use. I wrote two blog posts, one of which I've already posted to Medium. I'll link to the first one I wrote here. The article is about learning, specifically, what I've learned about the process of learning itself after devoting myself to learning new things for years. It's a good read (although as the author, I'm pretty biased). Other than that, today was fairly uneventful. I got a haircut and I did some grocery shopping, but that's about it. I slept through a good chunk of the day as well. A part of me is disappointed that I didn't make more of the day, but at least I managed to accomplish something. As the years progress, I'm learning not to be so hard on myself. Especially as I progress more in my spiritual practice, it makes less and less sense to get myself caught up in a spiral of negative, self-defeating thoughts. Because of my blossoming mindfulness practice, I rarely get caught up in spirals of negative thinking anymore. My mind isn't my enemy anymore, in a sense. That being said, there's still a lot I wish to unpack, such as my sexuality. Anyway, today wasn't an ideal day, but at the very least I'm not beating myself up for my mistakes. I'm only human, after all.

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11 minutes ago, GrainSiloEnthusiast said:

My wife is transgender, so in my opinion as a lesbian, you're perfectly straight if that's how you feel the most comfortable identifying! I can't blame you, best of both worlds lol. I'm biased as a queer myself but I truly don't consider that to be anything to be ashamed of. I'm sorry your friends and family would be so unsupportive tho, that's definitely a hard spot to be in.

I used to be an escort myself. It was also an outlet for my sexual addiction, and a way for me to feed my drug and alcohol addictions. I understand that feeling of shame so much more than I care to admit.

Just remember that falling down is inevitable, getting back up is mandatory.

Hugs to you, appreciate your honesty and openness so much.

Thank you so much for your kind words. This makes me feel a whole lot better. I'm still learning to navigate my identity as a man, let alone a potentially queer man, but your words really help me to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

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I did it again. I don’t even have the heart to get into detail about it. When it happens once, I can brush it off as a freak occurrence, a slip-up, if you will. When it happens twice in a row, then there’s a problem. I likely shouldn’t be posting about a sex addiction in a forum about quitting video games, but this forum has quickly become my all-in-one tool for personal expression. That being said, I took immediate action after the fact and found a SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) meeting to join. Fortunately there was a telemeeting I could join posthaste, which I’m currently attending at the time of this writing. I’m not sure how helpful this group will prove to be, but I figure it’s better than continuing to suffer in silence. I’ll refrain from posting about my sex addiction more than necessary, but for now it’s such a pressing concern that I couldn’t not talk about it. I’ll be back tomorrow with updates about other matters.

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So I had my first (and probably only) magic mushroom trip today. TL;DR It was TERRIFYING. So essentially I tapped into a higher plane of consciousness, everything I experienced was beyond the plane of regular thoughts, I’m talking fractal crystals and thought patterns that can’t be put into words. It was so scary because my sense of self collapsed inward. I realized that the self and everything the self constructs around it is an illusion. Essentially meditation is the safest route to that higher consciousness. It was definitely needed to escape that vicious cycle I found myself in. I wrote a private journal entry that I’ll post up here later on that goes into more detail. But I’m just happy I made it out alive on the other side.

Edited by Paul A.
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I think today marks my 8th day of being game-free. So much has happened over the span of 8 days. I'm not going to get too much into what happened because I covered it in previous entries, but I learned a lot about myself over the course of the past few days, that's for certain. I learned the true nature of some vices I struggle with, and I realized my own weakness in the face of temptation. Even now I'm struggling with cravings, but I don't have the resources to act on them, for better or worse. I tapped into a "higher" plane of consciousness, if you will, and it was terrifying. I'm questioning my sexuality and my identity as a man. There's honestly so much that's come to light since the day I decided to quit games for good, and there's even more to process. But with that being said, today was nothing special. I spent a majority of the day at work. I came clean to one of my coworkers, who happens to be a close friend, about the nature of my sexual addiction, and he helped me come up with a plan to address the financial aspect of it. I also managed to spend most of the workday with my phone off, which is an achievement for me. Fortunately, we had a busier day than usual today, so I was able to keep occupied for the most part. Other than that, I began a creative writing course on Udemy. I dropped the drawing course I was taking because I don't enjoy the act of drawing enough. Writing, on the other hand, is something I enjoy and have always had a knack for. That being said, I want to hone my creative writing skills specifically, since that doesn't come as naturally to me as, say, writing an essay. My goal is to write a novel one day, and hopefully this course provides me the framework I need to get started. Tomorrow's a working day for me, but I plan to spend the little free time I have progressing in the course. I'll be back tomorrow with another entry.

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17 hours ago, Paul A. said:

I think today marks my 8th day of being game-free. So much has happened over the span of 8 days.

This made me reminisce of my own first weeks of quitting. Thinking what would be the situation with my X and writing her, having +60 hours more to spend a week, working and quitting some shitty temp jobs before settling with English teaching... it was very discombobulating, but necessary. You'll figure it all out in time.

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9th day of being game-free. Spent most of the day working. I woke up fairly late in the morning, took a shower, made myself a quick breakfast, then I was off to work. I wasn't as engaged at work as I would like and I spent more time on my phone than I should've. That being said, I was consuming content pertaining to deepening my spiritual practice, particularly videos and an audiobook about meditation; therefore, I don't consider it a poor use of time. After work, I grabbed dinner with my coworker/friend. Just arrived home a couple minutes ago. I'm still listening to that meditation audiobook, and I'm almost done with it. I'm looking to spend a lot more time in meditation than I typically do. I'm talking at least an hour a day. I'm not sure if I'm capable of sticking to this program long-term, but with how my emotions and cravings have been bothering me lately, I think it's worth a shot. My spiritual practice brought me great peace and comfort when I first started it, but my mind-state has become overwhelming lately. I'm hoping spending more time in meditation will help me relate to my mind in a different way. I'm off work tomorrow, and I plan to spend a majority of the day in meditation, as impractical as that may seem. Any time I'm not meditating, I plan to spend reading or writing, especially pertaining to deepening my spiritual practice. In other news, I ended my trial on Udemy and thus lost access to my writing course, so I could save some money and focus on deepening my spiritual practice. I'm excited to be devoting so much of my effort to something as meaningful to me as my spiritual practice, and witness the progress that can be made over time. I'll be back tomorrow with updates about how the day went.

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10th day of being game-free. I had off from work today, which is always a relief. Today wasn't super productive, but it wasn't a complete waste either. Last night, I had written about my goal to spend a majority of the day meditating. While I wasn't able to do that, I did spend about an hour and a half cumulatively in meditation for the day - a lot longer than I've meditated on any single day. I usually meditate in short bursts of 5-10 minutes, but today I was able to meditate 3 times for about half an hour each time. It definitely tested my patience, but I did learn a good deal about my mind and confirmed for myself a universal principle. The universal principle I discovered was anicca - a Buddhist term which translates to "impermanence." Everything in the universe is impermanent, from the smallest atom to the biggest star. Things arise, and then things pass away. In a more practical sense, I learned that every little itch and scratch I had during meditation eventually passed away without interference. This can be applied to thoughts and emotions as well, which radically shifted my perspective towards them. Even the most overwhelming emotions will pass away with enough time. That's not to say I refuse to take action to mitigate negative thinking and negative emotions, I just have a new perspective on them. Aside from meditating, I napped for a few hours, I watched some spiritual videos on YouTube, and I also wrote a blog post about thinking as part of a spiritual practice. I also made myself a nice dinner - bacon fried rice with eggs, which I enjoyed. All in all, today was a relaxing day. I have work tomorrow, which I'm not looking forward to, but I'm looking forward to at least spending the morning in meditation. I'll be back tomorrow.

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Not much to report today. Spent a good chunk of the day at work. I was able to squeeze in 15 mins of meditation in the morning but that was it. Work days are always fairly uneventful. In other news, I’m planning to do a dopamine detox on Friday. I think I need a break from all the stimulation I’m subject to on a regular basis, and I think a dopamine detox will work wonders for that. It’ll give me some much needed time away from negative stimulants such as pornography and social media, and instead allow me to focus on meditation and learning to be alone with my mind. One of my goals as of late has been to conquer my mind, because I firmly believe the mind to be the root of all my problems. If I could only master my mind, I would be totally free from my recurring problems and vices. This will likely be a lifelong journey for me, but I think dopamine detoxing will give me a needed push in the right direction. My off limits activities for Friday are PMO (porn, masturbation, and orgasm), technology of any kind, reading (in a bid to consume less content as a whole), and eating. As for what I plan to spend the day doing, I’ll be writing, meditating, spending time outside, and drinking lots of water. I’m really looking forward to seeing how Friday goes. I would’ve done the detox as soon as tomorrow but I have work, and I’ll need my phone, if for nothing more than to call my dad at the end of my shift. Friday is most ideal because I have an uninterrupted stretch of time to conduct the detox. I’m gonna spend this evening learning more about what a detox entails and its potential benefits, but I have work early tomorrow morning so I can’t spend too much time doing it. I’ll be back tomorrow.

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Another workday. Not very much to report. I was able to start a new book while at work, titled F*ck Your Feelings: Master Your Mind, Accomplish Any Goal, and Become A More Significant Human by Ryan Munsey. Good read so far, I'm learning a lot about the difference between feelings and emotions, and the role they play in our decision making. I think the book will play an integral role in my journey to mind mastery. I have two more books in the queue, the original Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman and Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves. Tomorrow's my day off, and it's also the day of my dopamine detox, which I'm both dreading and looking forward to. As much as staying distracted and staying stimulated has derailed my life, I've almost gotten attached to it. It's going to be hard to spend a whole day out of the Matrix. I'm re-evaluating whether reading should be on my list of no-gos, because reading has never been a problematic activity for me, but I'll course-correct when the time comes. Of course, part of my dopamine detox involves learning to embrace boredom, but if I find myself so mind-numbingly bored that it's painful, then I may just pick up a book. Either way, this is my last entry for the next 28 hours or so. I'll be back not tomorrow, but the day after.

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I'm gonna do 2 entries tonight: one for yesterday (the day of my dopamine detox) and one for today.

Starting with yesterday, 7/22/2022.

Yesterday was an interesting day. As intended, I spent a majority of the day away from any technology, or any stimulating activities for that matter, including eating and reading. I woke up somewhat late in the morning, around 9am, and I spent about an hour outdoors before returning home for a nap. From there, I alternated between meditating, napping, going outside, and writing in my journal. It was actually a really nice change of pace from my normal days off. I felt a modicum of presence and tranquility I haven't felt in a long time. It was really quite pleasant. I ended the eating part of my detox around 6pm, with a nice greasy cheeseburger (prepared by yours truly). After that, I took another nap before I ended the detox around 9pm. I spent the remainder of the night until around midnight browsing Medium articles and reading manga. All in all, it was a very enjoyable day. I made a list of initiatives I can put in place to try and replicate the results of my detox on a regular basis, without having to do a complete detox. For one, I will try and limit my total screen time to 2 hours daily between my phone and my laptop. Second, I will not use technology for an hour upon waking up. Third, I will forego video games (which I've been doing) and social media. Fourth, I will avoid keeping my cell phone on my person where possible, in order to avoid temptation to use it. I'm very excited to put these initiatives in place, because I've found I really enjoy my experience of life when I'm away from stimulation and distractions. I also just feel more "myself", if that makes sense. Like I'm able to interact with the world as a more present, more vibrant version of myself. I'll be sure to log the results and the effectiveness of these initiatives in the coming days.

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Now for today, 7/23/22.

I spent almost the entire day at work. I'm scheduled from 9:30am-9pm. In fact, I'm still at work at the time of this writing. It's currently about 8:10pm. But today wasn't just a boring work day. Far from it, actually. I've spent a large majority of the day with my cell phone locked up in a locker, leaving me without a source of distraction. The benefits of this are huge. For one, I can actually enjoy the present moment and all the joy it brings. Second, I'm more present and vibrant in my interactions with customers and coworkers. I had a lot of fun just engaging with people throughout the day. Third, I'm able to sit and be with myself during slow moments. This allowed me the presence of mind to really think through my thoughts and feel my emotions, and to really observe them thoroughly rather than be absorbed in them. This does wonders for my mindfulness practice. And fourth, I even had the time to draft a journal entry about something that's been plaguing me regarding my spiritual practice: the need to have some kind of spiritual "experience" or "awakening moment". Ever since I discovered the spiritual path, I've been somewhat absorbed in trying to have some kind of supernatural, mystical experience to "cement" my spirituality. Well, today I came to terms with the fact that it may not happen at all, and that I'm okay with it. Ordinary experience is mystical enough when you allow yourself the room to just be. And, I also realized that there's no wrong way to "be". Just by existing in the day to day, we are already being. There is no greater accomplishment than being. Granted, the trap of ego identification can get in the way of this pure experience of "being", but I digress. Once you get beyond the ego trap, being is as simple and as innate as breathing. Every moment, we are being, and this is the pinnacle of spiritual experience. All in all, today was an ordinary day, but it was precious precisely because of how ordinary it was. There's great beauty and joy in the ordinary. Life doesn't have to be some whirlwind of extraordinary experience. If you ask me, an ordinary life is the most extraordinary life of all. I'll be back tomorrow.

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Been struggling with PMO recently. I thought my mindfulness practice was enough to overcome it, but I was mistaken. I’m gonna start attending a 12-step program for sex addicts more regularly. Just haven’t gotten around to incorporating them into my schedule. Otherwise, fairly uneventful 2 days. Just been working mostly. I started writing a novel, which is cool. I’ve always had an aptitude for writing, but I never really put it to use. I’m hoping this novel will be something to keep me busy and inspired, as well as give me something to work towards. I also read The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Fantastic book. I especially resonated with the pursuit of one’s Personal Legend as the driving purpose of life. I want writing to be my Personal Legend and a way to leave a legacy.

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On 7/23/2022 at 5:29 PM, Paul A. said:

And fourth, I even had the time to draft a journal entry about something that's been plaguing me regarding my spiritual practice: the need to have some kind of spiritual "experience" or "awakening moment". Ever since I discovered the spiritual path, I've been somewhat absorbed in trying to have some kind of supernatural, mystical experience to "cement" my spirituality.

I relate SO HARD to this omg.

I didn't read the whole book but Alan Watt's "This Is It" really puts into words what I believe about life and existence... This is it. Literally. There are no ~mystical magical experiences~ to have because... this already is one! This is it, the whole point, the whole meaning to being alive. Just be.

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I also have to add that... Spiritual awakenings might not feel the way you expect, you might not even know you've had one until you see it retrospectively. They are also not a one and done thing, I have had many and most of them seemed mundane at the time they actually occurred. It's more like opening a window and letting the breeze in than jumping out of an airplane most of the time, but I think we always expect it to feel like jumping out of an airplane!!

Edited by GrainSiloEnthusiast
typos !!! dumb phone lol
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